i hate finance!! i don't wanna take the midterm. =( anyway, i just informed pat of the blog. i thought he should just know. what's the point in not telling him. so he's reading it now. he'll comment later. i am interested to see what he has to say. anyway, nikki came by again. for lo of course. lovely! she told me that she met chris. i was like, chris who? oh holy shit. chris the one i hooked up with chris. cuz he lives in founders like a few doors down from her and she talked to him about orange:house and he said he knew me from there. i'm like, oh lovely. whatever. i haven't heard about him in so long. what torment that boy put me through. whatever. that was so long ago. it was just weird to hear about him out of the blue. hey, at least he remembers who i am and where i live. at least he's not *that* much of an ass! anyway, back to studying and awaiting pat's comments.

next orange:house party is april 26th! woo! we just figured it out tonight. we had our little conference. how fun. party. yay! dylan came while we were discussing. and u know what? i now see that i want to be more touchy and intimate. i just realized this from our lack of touching just now. i was just now thinking, yeah i want to be more touchy. i need to do that. altho i am still not keen on the public displays of affection. i feel weird and i feel like it's not me. i think that ppl will look at me weirdly because i never do that sort of stuff. but like yeah. ok. i'm gonna do this. i'm gonna get over this barrier and be more touchy! cuz i really want to. then maybe after i get over it in private, i can get over it in public! =)

the punk concert with tyler was fun. slightly stoopid was the main act. main of 5. 5 fucking acts!! we were there for awhile. it got super hot. yuck. but slightly stoopid was good. the lead singer is hot. haha they sound sorta like sublime in some songs. then others are like punk songs. and they did one hip hop one too. so they have some range. that was cool. i hated the security guard working there who constantly shined his fucking flashlight. SOOOOO fucking annoying. and this one dude on the stage was so overly concerned with stage divers and crowd surfers that just looking at him pissed me off. and then there was this guy on the side of the stage dancing and whatnot to the music and he was so into it, that it bugged me for some reason. but yeah. whatever. hanging out with tyler was cool. he came over here first and i showed him the house. he played the guitar for me for a bit. he mentioned how he likes me more now as a friend than when we were hooking up. i think that's sorta funny but i feel like it makes sense. we seem to talk more and on a better level, if u will, than before. perhaps it's cuz he's older and not in that fratboy mentality. or perhaps it's cuz when we were hooking up there was too much tension there. who knows. anyway, i like that we are friends. i think it's cool. at first i thought we might not keep in touch that well since he's off working in the LBC. but this past semester we have kept in good contact. and that's cool. yay!

on another random note. i left the blonde roots in for now. so my hair looks super funky. rick says it sorta looks like fire cuz its blonde at the roots and red below. i might leave it like that for a few days to see how people in class react. then i'll redye it all to be red. i kinda want dylan to see it just to see how weird i look! hehe

what a night last night!! first up, joe and brian came back and we made chilimac. it wasn't quite the way i expected but it was decent. brian and rick said they liked it. me and joe thought it was alright but wasn't quite right. after that, we were contemplating going dancing at a club. but it didn't pan out cuz we aren't all 21 and we couldn't decide on anything anyway. so we decided to drink at our place first, then go to this techno tribe thing at groundzero, then go to some random parties. so we did that. joe and brian got alcohol which we have yet to pay them back for it! i'll get it back to brian somehow. =) then people started coming over and drinking. dylan came and i wasn't being touchy the way i should have been. i think it's partially an insecurity and fear of my own, and also just me not liking public displays of affection. because i don't have such issues when it's just me and him in my room. anyway, so we all drank and then set out for the techno tribe. joe and dylan were bonding over cars and whatnot. joe later told me that he really liked dylan so i shouldn't let him go. hehe i was bonding with brian considering in all 4 yrs of high school i really didn't talk to him that much. he was always just sort of there with john li. but i found out that brian was a smart fucker at lowell! got 4.0's and a 1450 SAT score. holy fucking shit! brian is cool. i like him. i used to have a slight slight crush on him in high school but it was completely overpowered by my crush on john mahl and others. anyway, so we got to groundzero and it was alright. not that great. jason was dancing really well as he always does. my friend devin was there and we made lunch plans for next week. he cut his hair and i like it. i think it's cute looking. less frizz and more moppy beatles style. =) brian was dancing really well which surprised me cuz i swear he wasn't like that in high school. i feel like he is dif. but then so am i! so whatever. it's called growth jen. hehe anyway, after that we went to a party in citypark. on the way i was my most drunk. i was dancing around the streets. pretending to ski with the poles. ppl sang the national anthem. it was great! we got to citypark and it was sooooo lame. but they had alcohol so we drank. DA, walter, stupid dave, etc were there. we all chatted a bit. then we left and went to this party in troy apts. that was way more lively but not my cup of tea. really random crowd of people. i saw macy from my 302 class! it was soooo shocking cuz he's so like studious and stuff and here he was at the party drinking and dancing. it weirded me out. hehe he commented that usually i'm so quiet in class but that i did a really good job on my presentation the other day. that was nice of him to say. anyway, rick and kyla kept bugging me to touch dylan more! haha but even tho i was like really drunk and stuff, i think i just didn't like the idea of it in public. i think that's one of my hangups. touching ppl in public. i'm not sure if it's cuz i'm embarassed or what. but yeah. at one point we couldn't find joe and we were concerned. but then we left and went home and he was outside the house smoking a cig. he had gone to ian dailey's to play cards with ian and matt. weird that he left without telling us. i have to talk to him to make sure he was ok. we all chilled a bit and ate the donuts brian gaffed from the citypark place. then dylan snorted a line of crushed altoids. i later could taste that when we were kissing. very strange. after we all chilled a bit, brian went to sleep on the couch. ky and tara did their own thing in ky's room. joe was like laying outside for a bit or something and i guess came in at some point. me and dylan went to my room. and he was trying to get me past my intimacy issues by making me initiate EVERYTHING! it was weird cuz i'm totally not used to it. but it was a cute little game. dylan's fun like that. =)

this morning i woke up early cuz i had to go to get my haircut. so i set the alarm for 10am. but first i woke up cuz brian knocked on my door around 8:30am to get his clothes and towel from my room. so i went to the door with the blanket around me. hehe reminded me of the time when dominic came to my door at like 5am when i was with tyson. not the same but the blanket was thing was the same. hehe then about an hour later he and joe were about to leave so they knocked to say goodbye. so i had to get dressed for that. all the while dylan was in bed. smashed up against the wall because i apparently boxed him in like all nite. i felt bad. i thought he had more room. i didn't realize. it was more that i just wanted to be close to him and so i think i inadvertantly shoved him against the wall. poor thing. i told him to roll over so i could see what it was like. it wasn't too fun. hehe i had a weird dream last nite too. i think the guy in it was supposed to be dylan but it wasn't. so it was weird. hmm....but, i got over my morning breath issues which was good. i totally didn't want to get up tho. i just wanted to lay there with dylan. finally he threw me out of bed at like 10:30. then he left and we kissed at the door. so i think i'm now over that issue. baby steps jen. baby steps. oh and last nite i was holding his hand a bit. hehe yes, baby steps. =) then i showered and headed over to omar's apt. that was fun. he was cutting some guy's hair and so as i waited, i helped fix up his flier that he wants to send out cuz he doesn't have good english. then he cut my hair and rebleached it. i like the cut. it's cute. he left the bleach in and gave me a plastic shower cap to keep it in so i could drive home with it and rinse it when i got home. that was hilarious to me. so now i have bleached roots with red streaks. so it's really weird looking. but it's sorta cool. i'm gonna keep it like this for a day and then redo the red. it'll match well cuz i'm going to the punk concert with tyler tonight. so i'll look all punky. man, he's coming at like 7. gotta get ready! he's never seen my house so that'll be fun to give him the tour.

oh yeah. i'm listening to a really great song by a local SF band. the band is called the stratford 4 and the song is called "rebecca." download it now!

getting my haircut tomorrow by omar at his house! how funny. he used to work at vous but he left and he's going to open his own hair salon in like two weeks. in the meantime we clients can either go get our hair at his place or he can come to us. so i'm going to his place tomorrow at noon to get my hair cut and rebleached. yay! it's in dire need. it's getting to long and stuff. it needs help!

just got back from partying. yeah, first thursday nite party for me in quite some time. i was soooo fucking tired tho that i was a party pooper. i totally didn't want to be there. the only reason i went was cuz everyone else wanted to go. not to mention, without me, rick, ky, and her friend tara wouldn't have ever made it there cuz they didn't know where it was. anyway, i just wasn't having fun. too tired to mingle. no one i cared to really mingle with anyway. not to mention the fact that i would feel weird chatting up some guy and getting his digits. not that i ever do that anyway! but still. whatever. there was some skank ho there grinding with all the guys. it was gross. she felt up ky's breasts too. sent my mind into shock for a second. me and tara were like, "umm yeah, we won't get up and be near this girl. or she'll get to us next." fucking hell! whatever. anyway, i'm super fucking tired. it's time to sleep!

still evaluating what to do with this blog. i talked to dylan about it all and that bastard (it's a term of endearment really...) knew everything so he didn't have to worry about whether i liked him! =P there i was worrying about whether or not he liked me. whether or not he was gay. and all along he's just like coasting cuz he knew what i was thinking. sheesh! anyway, so i'm not sure if i should continue to write shit in this about him. it wouldn't be the same if i didn't but at the same time it can't be my crutch. decisions, decisions.

on another note. i am not sappy yet. goodness gracious emily! and she is trying to take over my position as president of the club. it's my fucking club!! haha no usurping can be done here. NONE! and hells bells, he and i aren't even really dating yet. we haven't made any sort of commitment. so really, i should still be president of the club! =P

oh, i saw jeremy today. funny thing cuz i saw him and emily saw andy. jeremy was looking scruffy and tired. but that makes sense when it's like 9 something in the morning. dear god i hate my 8am class!! at least my impromptu wasn't today. anyway, i had totally forgotten that i told jeremy i liked him like the other week. how funny. we chatted a bit. he said he went to see unwritten law with andy. good for them. then emily saw andy later on in the day and said hi to him. cuz she knows who he is and sees him a lot since they live like 3 doors down. and she said she would said hi to him next time just so she didn't feel so awkward. so she did that. she said hi to him and that she knew who he was and that she was my friend. she said he got all red. she doesn't like his voice either. just like me. it's just too surferish. i can't handle that. he may be cute but he's not *that* cute. not enough to overcome flakiness and an annoying voice. haha now jeremy....haha actually his voice is sorta funky too. sorta higher in pitch. not the best voice for a boy but not entirely grating on the nerves like andy's.

anyway, i bought a lot of cd's today. first of all, i went to the interview at universal music. that was chill. the guy in charge is like totally chill. he's an SC grad. prolly only like 25. has earrings. wears converse shoes like me. that was neat. i dunno if i'll get the internship cuz i bet shitloads of ppl apply. there are 40 or so slots tho. so who knows. i'll find out in a month when he finishes all the interviews. after that i went to amoeba and got some cds. shameful jen. i'd have bought the whole fucking store if i had the money! then i went to tower cuz it was so close to the roxy. and i bought *another* cd! local SF band called the stratford 4. they sound cool. i dig it. then i went to the roxy to get the tickets for me and tyler to see slightly stoopid/pepper on saturday. he insists it will be a good show. i hope so! after that i went to melrose to get some new earrings. like body jewelry type earrings. good stuff. then nick called me as i was driving home. so he came over when i got home. and we chatted. also ky's friend tara is visiting. so she chatted with us too. i tried to help nick out with his girl issue. then ky came home. more talking occurred. there was talk of me going with ky and tara to dinner but i didn't in the end. i called up dylan and asked if he wanted to go but he has a paper to write. and i wasn't entirely sure i wanted to go out to dinner anyway. but ky thought it would be fun. oh well. tomorrow joe and brian come back to LA. joe called me today and said that they went to mexico for one day and then decided to leave and went to vegas. did that for one nite and are now at some lake on the border of nevada, arizona, and cali. lake havisu or something. anyway, they'll stay there tonight. then tomorrow they are coming back to LA to hang out with me. i think we will try to find some club to go to or something. who knows. perhaps i should invite dylan. otherwise i'm not sure when i will see him next. cuz saturday i think i am meeting my marketing group since our presentation is next week and we haven't really done much for it. and then saturday nite is the concert with tyler. then sunday i HAVE to study for finance. so yeah. fuck! no time!!! =(

ok so i just reread/skimmed all of my old entries just to see what dylan knows. i don't care that he knows that stuff. it's funny how he knows exactly when i started thinking about him and stuff. but what sucks now are the little things. like i noticed i wrote something about if we were dating i'd want him to do the cute romantic things that pertain to me. well fuck. now he's read that. so if he does that now, how will i know if he did that cuz i wrote that i like that, or because he geniunely would have done that. fuck. this blog *is* the death of me! whatever. anyway, i REALLY need to sleep. it'll be my luck cerling picks me for the impromptu and then i can't even like speak right! holy fucking shit.

DYLAN READS MY BLOG! he told me so tonight. he came over here and we were talking and he was a bit drunk. coherent but drunk. we were about to talk about my intimacy issues when he says, "so should i go first or you?" i was thinking, "what does he need to say???" then he tells me he's read my blog. the whole thing! holy fucking shit! i don't care that he has. it's just weird. i have to reread it all now to see what exactly i said. it's funny tho cuz he knows like everything about. completely everything. cuz i started this thing before i even knew him. he knows all about the boys i liked all at once. just everything. i don't have a problem with it and he doesn't seem to either. he thinks its great to be able to totally get into my head about this stuff. and whats great is that he's still here. he's still around despite this damned blog and despite my issues. and he assured me that he does like me so i don't have to worry. so i *will* get over the intimacy. cuz i am totally missing out on life. i just have to internalize all of this. when he left he kissed me on the neck/cheek which was completely fine with me cuz like i said, if someone initiates something with me, i'm cool with it. at least i think i am.

but i now have a different issue. this blog. now what do i do knowing that the boy i like is reading it? i mean, i always thought there was a chance that he or any of the other boys i liked was reading it. and i was fine with it. and even knowing that they read it wouldn't bother me. but my issue now is that if i know dylan reads this, then what if i use it as a crutch? like what if i subconsciously, or consciously, write shit in here that i want him to know and don't tell him personally cuz i know he'll just read it. i don't want that. or like me saying shit like if someone initiates stuff with me i'm ok with that. well, what if i'm not but he has read that i am? ugh! now i'm unclear on what to do about the way i structure the content of this blog. cuz this thing used to be an outlet in the way my real journal is. only ppl could read it. and that's totally fine. but now i just don't know. i'm going to have to think really hard about this and whatever i decide i'll tell dylan personally because i want him to know my reasoning for whatever the decision may be. altho he could just as easily read it! so see, already he's gonna know that. fuck. whatever. i'll deal with it later. i'm so tired and i have to wake up in like 4 fucking hours!!

phew! dylan understands me. he said he used to be like that. so i have room to change. thank god. =) i thought he would be like, "holy shit jen is weird." but he was ok with it. so we'll talk about it later. cuz i have a lot to say about it. but i didn't want to get into it over the fone just then. so yeah. and on tyler news, we are going to see some random punk band at the roxy on saturday. that'll be fun. cuz i rarely see tyler. we can try to take another photo since the other one turned out bad. and he can tell me about his gf issues. so good times. and when are joe and brian returning?? they must inform me!

ok. i have major intimacy issues. this is just no fucking good! like i realized that i have issues with being close to people even if i *do* know they like me. i used to think that i didn't want to hold guys' hands or be all touchy with them cuz i thought, "what if they don't like me and then they are like, 'why the hell are u doing that?'" but now i realize the problem extends even further. i know dylan likes me. it's not an issue. so why am i still all weird about this shit? last nite we went to see E.T. [on a quick sidenote. E.T. is not as cute and sad when you're 20 years old and tired. cuz i could see all the cheesiness and contrived emotions from the music and such.] anyway, so i went with dylan. he came over here first and the intent, i believe (i was soooo tired -- 2 hrs of sleep -- that the fone convo was a bit confusing to me) we were gonna go back to his place and watch a movie. but when he came i really wanted to see E.T. so we went to the 9:50pm showing in century city. so he hung out here first and we just talked a lot. i was so tired tho i was a bit worthless. i think i really shouldn't have pushed the E.T. thing cuz i was just so out of it. so we went. he has a nice old 1970 dark sea-foam green mustang. it felt weird to sit in cuz it's so low to the ground. anyway, we went to the movie. and already i could tell i was falling into my intimacy issues. cuz like i want to hold his hand. i want to lean on him during the movie. i want to kiss in public. etc. but i have such issues with initiating this sort of intimacy. yet of course when i'm drunk we can hook up! but like i think this initimacy fear stems from my childhood. from the fact that my parents who basically act like they aren't married and aren't attracted to each other anymore, never would hug and kiss in front of me. so i never saw that stuff. and they would rarely hug and kiss me too. we just weren't touchy feely in the slighest. so all my life i have been removed from that sort of interaction. and now it's playing out there. also, i am inherently scared of relationships. here i am lecturing walter on this when i can't do it myself! but i want one tho. so it's all fucked up. anyway, i feel really bad about last nite. and i hope dylan doesn't think i'm too weird and dismiss me. i have to talk to him about these issues of mine. and just get past them. cuz it's not like i don't want to be near him and whatnot. i just have to get past that initial barrier. i'm thinking that if i can talk to him about this and let him know what i'm thinking and feeling, i can then get over it. and literally, i'm thinking about like telling him my issues and then being like, "ok. now let me just do all the things that i feel weird about right now. get them out of the way so that i know for sure that u won't have issues with me doing this stuff." then literally like hold his hand. kiss him in public. put my arms around him. lean on him. etc. then once i *see* that he won't mind at all, my brain will finally accept it. cuz i mean, i know he won't. my brain knows that. but something is going on here from preventing me from doing it. row mike says its partially an insecurity issue. and indeed it is. insecurity of him potentially not liking what i'm doing. ludicrous as it may sound considering men love touching women. it's like a fundamental fact. so i must get over this "fear" and move on with my life. ky says to start touching ppl more in general. touch them when i talk. hug more. etc. just to get past this fear in it's entirety. this will be hard, but it is something i MUST do!

dashboard was just on KROQ!!! holy fucking shit!! at least i wasn't driving!! where is jessica to tell her??? this is no fucking good. now dashboard is gonna get big and it just won't be the same. =(

dude i'm so fucking tired. dylan is coming over soon and i'm soooo tired! i want to see E.T. but i dunno if that's gonna happen. poo. i think i aced my cinema quiz cuz it was the same as it was last yr when michael took it. hehe tyler still wants to chill. maybe this weekend. i dunno. man i'm fucking tired. i talked to walter for about 2 hrs today on the relationship matter. he's hopeless. worse than me. soooo picky! oh man i'm tired!!!

find a penny, pick it up, and all your day you'll have good luck...

i hope so! i had my presentation in 302 this morning at 8am! ugh. i got less than 2 hrs of sleep last nite (ie, this morning). but it went well. ppl said i did a good job. most importantly, cerling said i did a good job. so i'm happy. i was soooo nervous at points. my mouth got super dry. but whatever. apparently they couldn't tell! now i have this quiz for my cinema class that i must cram for since i didn't study at all. maybe it'll be like last year's cuz michael took that class and he kept his quiz. *crossing finger* and maybe the penny i found on the way to 302 will continue it's magic. it worked for my presentation. will it work for cinema?

joe and brian left before i got back from class. poo. i wanted to say goodbye. i assume they are returning on thursday or friday when they come back from mexico. we can all hang out then when i don't actually have shit to do. it sucked cuz i wanted to spend time with them yesterday but i couldn't cuz i was so freakin busy with my presentation. what goofy boys. i swear this is the most i've talked to brian ever. cuz in high school we didn't talk that much since he was always around john li and john would always talk a lot. but anyway. i called dylan last nite and we chatted a bit. he suggested we do something this week outside of the party setting. i was thinking the same but he brought it up first. i suppose that means he is interested to see this "thing" go further. so i proposed tonight we do something. we'll see how it goes. he said he might have too much work. i hope not. it would be fun. i like dylan. =) kyla did the deed of ending it with brandon last nite. good for her! she just didn't feel that brandon was who she thought he was. so it's over. and now we shall try for DA for her! =) i'm actually meeting walter today at 3pm. i'll try to sort of scout out the DA thing. it will fit in somewhat nicely cuz me and walter are gonna have our chat on fears of relationships. how cute. me and walter talking about this subject. good times. i'm super tired and sipping a cup of coffee in hopes of staying awake til at least like 4pm. eesh. is this doable? one can only hope! ok. back to cramming.

holy fucking shit. thank god i'm not lawrence and have to deal with a girl practically stalking me! this girl nikki is like constantly calling him and coming over. it's fucking ridiculous! this morning, she came over at like 7am!! then she returned around 10:30. like shit girl, get it together. don't fucking come over 20 times a day! and she just came over to get a cd from him. but he's got a paper to finish by 6pm so he gave me the cd to just give to her and not let her see him. dear god. she's insane! i bet i'll see her face at least 2 more times today!

in other news...joe and brian arrived around 9:30 this morning. we chatted a bit before i went to shower and they went out to do random stuff. i called up hillwood to get the recipe for chilimac. i talked to mr. grantz a bit who is so dif. he asked me if i was 21 yet. said when i come back to SF he'll buy me a drink! goodness gracious. NOT the mr. grantz i used to know. =) anyway, the recipe for chilimac is simple. canned chili, macaroni noodles, and chedder cheese. pretty fucking simple. me and joe can make that when he and brian come back later in the week. that'll be fun. we can spread the hillwood love. haha man, i have to finish this fucking persentation and study for my quiz. god, just shoot me now! =( and i wish i could see dylan but i have no time. i called him today and left a message on his cell fone. i was thinking about him a lot in class. i like him. i hope he doesn't just half-ass like me and want a non-commital thing. cuz that would blow.

and speaking of things that blow. i lost one half of my favorite pair of socks!!! =( i did my laundry and lost it somewhere along the way. and i also can't find one of my rings! it must be in this room somewhere but i dunno where. poo. anyway, back to work...

oscars are over. amelie didn't win for best foreign picture. poo. oh well. talked to dylan for like 40 min just now. how we manage to stay on the fone so long i still have no idea. but whatever. =) joe and brian are most likely coming tomorrow morning to stay here one day before going to mexico. then when they return from mexico on thursday or friday we will hang out. but they will crash here tomorrow which means i slightly have to entertain which sucks cuz i'm so busy! but it's ok cuz i haven't seen joe in awhile so it'll be fun. but hectic. tuesday is *the* worst day for me this week.

on another note. pat might have blocked me from his AIM list. i think things are now officially weird btwn him and my house. ky said she saw him and he didn't receive her well. and rick thinks pat is acting dif to him too! good god! if he blocked me, i'm so calling him on this shit. cuz there is no fucking need to do that. we are all rational young adults here. it's not like i pursued him further once rick told me he was indecisive. good fucking god! anyway, we'll find out. if ky or rick sees him online and he's not on my list, holy shit, hell will be had!

i'm reading another book (you just don't understand: women and men in conversation) to sort of supplement my 302 presentation. it's by the same author (deborah tannen) as my other book but this one is about the differences in conversation styles btwn men and women but not in a context specific area. like my original book is about convo difs btwn men and women in a work setting. this is about the difs in general. sort of more geared toward social and intimate relationships i guess. it talks about the asymmetry that occurs btwn men and women and how men assume the role of the protector in a relationship. i thought there was a particularly interesting part about how even when men and women lie in bed together there is this asymmetry in their physical alignments which represents how the man is the protector. tannen gives an example:

pg. 284
"when a woman and man lie down on a blanket or in bed, he typically lies on his back, flat and straight, while she lies on her side with her body curved and nestled against his. her head rests on his shoulder; his arm is around her. daily, men and women take these positions automatically, and their ritualized nature is a source of comfort; it feels right and good, partly because it is personally familiar, and partly because it mirrors a configuration we have seen countless times in pictures and in real life."

tannen then goes on to show a poem written by cheryl romney-brown about the recurrent image of a woman burying her face in the crook of a man's neck:

in the crook of the his neck
fine hairs on his shoulders gleam
like epaulets, reminding me of silk
mulberry threads penelope used
for tapestries spun waiting
for her hero to come home.
we, women, always long for men
to step out of a myth or a marlboro ad.

it begins all over again as he
caresses my back. i inhale the scent,
begin to relax. once more i become
a defenseless girl wanting only
to close my eyes, bury my head
in the crook of his neck.

how old was i the first time,
possibly three? it happened
when daddy came home. "please
hold me, protect me, werewolves
are out, their eyes burning hot.
if you don't i know i will die."
i closed my eyes, buried
my head in the crook of his neck.

when i was sixteen, ripe but pure,
down by the arbor on a hot summer night,
my first beau's lips brushed mine. "my hero,
your juliet's here." pink tulle bound
my heart. i closed my eyes, buried
my head in the crook of his neck.

i am a grown woman, mother of men.
experience fades; memory stills.
if only for a moment, i am saved.
my hero is here for maybe an hour,
willing to do battle, kill all my foes.
illusions, myths, whatever is true.
i close my eyes, bury my head
in the crook of his neck.

i liked that poem and those images. i do think it's true that men and women play these sorts of roles. the man walks on the outside of the women on the sidewalk. the man holds the women. tannen even mentions the way men and women walk down the street together. the man has his arm around the woman's shoulders and she has her arm around his waist. or the man has his hands in his pockets and she holds onto his arm. if the roles were reversed it would look so odd that the woman had her arm around the man's shoulder or that the man was clutching the woman's arm. anyway, i think this is very commen in society and u see it all the time and don't even notice really. it just seems natural because we do see it so much. ok, enough procrastination. =)

condoms are fun! me and ky just fooled around with our flavored condoms. extras that i didn't use on the outfit. they are quite tasty actually. =) we were blowing bubbles and stuff. she put it on her foot like a booty too. i took some photos of this random fun. hehe anything to avoid doing my presentation. =(

man o man this week is gonna be busy. 302 presentation and cinema 460 quiz on tuesday. also meeting walter at 3pm that day to talk about relationship fears. man, tuesday is a busy fucking day! thursday i have my interview for a universal music group summer internship. joe and brian from san francisco are coming like either thursday or friday. tyler wanted to do something. gosh, too much shit to do! and the oscars are tonight so i wanna watch that too. aaaaahhhhh!!!

i talked to dylan last nite. for like 2 hours or something. i don't even know how the time flies when we are talking. it's insane. cool, but insane. he called me cuz his roommate told him i called and left a message about the cake. so he called on his way back from seeing y tu mama tambien. he said it was good. it's about relationships and love triangles and shit like that. i can relate. so i wanna see it. i think ky and rick will come with me. anyway, i talked to dylan about relationships and hookups and stuff like that. we didn't discuss what we are or anything cuz really we have no idea. there is nothing to discuss yet. he apologized for not kissing me in the morning cuz he had bad morning breath and i assured him there was no way i was gonna kiss him either because of that very same thing. so it was just cute and funny in the end. =) dylan's cool. i like him. it's funny to think that like one week ago he was just some random guy who came to our party and sent me this random poem. now look. if this works out btwn us, i hope he's one of those cutely romantic ppl who like remembers shit that you say about yourself so that way he can do random stuff that's very specific to me. like he knows i like squares and mini cars and shit like that. so instead of bringing flowers or something, he makes something that pertains to what i like. or writes me another poem. u know, shit like that. i hate chocolates and flowers and teddy bears. such standard shit that ppl give. i'm not down with that. i like when there's thought involved. not money. anyway, that's totally jumping the gun. but oh, my birthday is coming up in less than a month! hehe if anything happens and if it even lasts that long! whatever. i won't even worry about shit like that now. anyway, i should work on this fucker of a presentation. i am gonna be SOOOOO nervous and red and shit. ugh. i want this semester to end!!!

hmmm...the ky and brandon situation is not as we all thought it would be. i shant get into the details as that is her own personal issue, but i will just say that brandon is not what we thought he was. he was either not be upfront and real to begin with, or he changed his mind somewhere down the line and purposely decided not to include kyla in the discussion. in any case, we are not pleased with this behavior and i personally am now doubting a lot more boys at this moment. i mean dylan, what if he is like brandon? i dunno where this is going with him anyway. but let's say we start dating. i mean, what if this is a brandon situation and he isn't upfront? or what if he changes his mind and doesn't tell me? are all boys like this? surely they all aren't, but now i question whether more boys are like this than i think! cuz i didn't expect this from brandon at all. he was the prince who did no wrong at first. good lord were we mistaken! ky says to tell dylan the entire story now and see how he reacts. cuz that will clue me into his thinking. at least a little. so yeah. i called him and left a message. i dunno where he is. god, what is he doesn't really like me that much and doesn't want a relationship like all other boys? what is he is just using me? what if i was just a hookup? i guess i won't be totally crushed cuz i mean, i've heard that line a lot of times. i won't like it at all since i'm definitely starting to like him. but fuck. whatever. it's so routine in my life that i expect nothing more. and if something more happens, then it's a plus. so yeah. who the hell knows. i'll just wait and see.

in the meantime, i will be trying to help out emily and kyla. god, look at this. we can't all ever be up! freakin eh! i'll help emily once she finds a prospect. ky is moving onto DA and i promised to help her. it's easier when we are friends and whatnot. and also that she has an actual specific perspective. i just feel bad for her now cuz i can tell that she's being strong about this brandon thing but really i see that she's completely disappointed by it all. i mean granted she knew it wasn't all it was cracked up to be at first and that it would end when summer came. i mean she was already setting her sights on DA. but she seems definitely disappointed by his actions and inability to tell what he's really thinking and feeling. and that sucks. it's never fun to see that someone has just sort of decided to not care as much. or just never did in the first place. but she's strong and she'll get through this. and i'll help her with DA and hopefully all will be well. she lamented the same words that emily did not long ago which was, "oh no. you're not gonna go partying anymore." but i assured her as i did emily that i will continue to do so. this is all assuming that dylan and i start dating anyway. but if we do, he likes to party anyway. so we can just go party together. that'll be fun. so yeah. no worries to emily and ky. i'll still be out there partying with the best of ya! and if dylan and i don't start dating, then look out world, jen's on the prowl once more! =)

i like dylan. he's great. last nite was super fun! tim's bar party was loaded with people. the night started off all funky cuz my outfit didn't totally work out. it was a top and skirt made of condoms, much like the beer dress. but the skirt wouldn't stay that well at first and the top was hitting my underarms. all these ppl were over and it was a mess. anyway, finally we got it working decently, altho i knew at some point the skirt would fall off. but i had a black skirt underneath so it wasn't that bad. there was also some tension btwn kyla and brandon and deanu. but we finally got to the party around 11. i spotted dylan right away! he looked as i remembered except taller. =) we hugged. meanwhile i ran into a bunch of ppl i knew who loved my outfit including DA and walter. oh such cute boys. =) and kari had this neat outfit on with caution tape so i took a foto with her. anyway, so i saw dylan and then told him i needed alcohol. so i went inside and followed ky and emily who had made their way in already. on the way all these random ppl made comments on my outfit and how much they liked it. that was awesome. there were some cute boys there and they liked it and i was like, hmmm... hehe but then i was like, no no jen. dylan. dylan. dylan! =) so i got to the bar and got a shot from tim. this would not be enough alcohol tho. so i chatted with some ppl and then dylan came by. basically i spent most of the nite with him. we went and got me a mixed drink. then there was a lot of random walking around and chatting. emily was avoiding jim and trying to find a guy but to no success. she still had issues with jim which sucked. kyla was having issues with brandon cuz he was being sort of a party pooper and also DA was there and she likes him and that was a mess. she was with DA and walter a lot last nite. they are fun boys. they were also with this kid brian who lives below them and he's got like lots of piercings and dyed hair. i used to think he was cute but whatever. i think he's too over the top with his shit. he does have a tongue ring tho! ooh la la. anyway, as the nite progressed, i got more and more drunk off of random shots. and so did kyla. at one point, all of us were in this one room with dancing music on and ppl were getting their groove on. grinding away. some of it was just plain nasty. but i was super drunk at that point so whatever. i was in the corner with dylan just sitting there with my eyes closed cuz the room was spinning! kyla kept trying to get me to dance but it was hard. i was standing but i couldn't do it. at one point it was weird cuz i was standing there and dylan was on one side and walter on the other and walter was being sorta touchy i felt. and he mentioned something about me being hot. and earlier we had talked about how we still have to have our talk on relationships to get over our fears of it. and so i just felt it was sorta weird. i was thinking, "shit man. why wasn't walter like this when i liked him??" sheesh! oh well. we are supposed to have our talk on like tuesday. haha eventually, kyla left with DA, walter, brian and some others. i didn't know where they went but i didn't care cuz i was with dylan at that point. i didn't know where emily was either cuz she had left by then. so i was sitting with dylan and then we decided to leave. we walked back to my place and on the way these two guys came up to us and asked if we lived around here. they wanted eggs and milk to make a cake! how random is that? me in my drunken state, took them back to my place and gave them 3 eggs which i think they placed in their pockets, and some milk which they poured into their beer bottle! goodness gracious. they said they would make the cake and bring it back in a few hours. and their names were ben and nick and they live at 2666 1/2 orchard. this morning there was no cake and i was like, "wtf? they lied!" but then about an hour ago they came by with some cake!! how cute. the cake sucked but it was the thought that counted.

ok, so to break up that long paragraph...after ben and nick left, i took dylan downstairs to my bedroom to show it to him. i had the lights on to show him all the stuff on the walls, one by one. it took a long time. then i turned off the light to show him the red light i had in my star thingy. that was good of me. got the fucking lights off! i was standing around explaining shit and he had his arms around me and stuff. so this was no pat situation. he was proactive and this was gonna work out! =) so then he sat down on my bed and i looked at him and kissed him. and then it began. it was fun. good times. i remember at one point i had to pee so i went outside in my blanket and there was michael asking me if i wanted del taco and i'm like, "umm no. that's ok. i gotta pee." haha then i went back to the room with dylan. i slept well last nite which was good because we didn't really tangle up much so we could actually get real sleep. that was a good thing. we woke up at like 9am and just talked in bed for like 3 hours! man, it's great just talking. we do that a lot. he's cute. he's not really my type physically cuz usually i like boys who are like super skinny and more of the skater variety or something more alternative. and dylan is like thin but not super skinny and he dresses a bit more on the nicer side. like deisel clothes and whatnot which is cool i guess. we don't exactly match in that world but whatever. i don't mind the way he dresses and i guess he doesn't mind me either. so it's cool. yeah, dylan. i like him. i hope this amounts to something for a least a little while. it was cute cuz when he was getting ready to leave, we were standing in my room talking and then kyla comes to the door and is like "hey guys, want breakfast in bed?" that was cute. we said, "nah that's ok. we are actually out of bed." and opened the door and started talking to her for a bit. ky and dylan have some similar interests including cooking and 80's music. so i think they should cook together at some point. =) anyway, then he left and we hugged goodbye. no kiss. i had such cotton mouth and morning breath that it totally wasn't happening for me. i said, "cya later" and he said, "yes." and that was it. so yeah. dylan. =)

one weird thing tho was that when i woke up this morning i realized that i had a dream about tyler! oh good lord. no good. make out with dylan. dream about tyler. wake up with dylan next to me. no good jen. but whatever. that was just a dream. no biggie. i wanna go see the princess bride next, next friday and i hope dylan will come with me. i told him about it but i didn't like ask him to come really. but i want him to. that would be fun. we'll see how this all pans out. oh and andy wasn't at the party. so no worries there. phew!

fuck! andy called. i didn't give him the speech tho cuz it wasn't in my capacity since i didn't even think he'd call again. so i wasn't ready for this shit at all!! fucking hell. he told me about his ex-gf and how he dated one girl for like 2 yrs and then she cheated on him and then he dated her roommate. what a fucking mess. so now the most current ex (i think) might come out partying with him tonight. weird! if she does and he goes to tim's it should be fine cuz the ex is there. if she doesn't go out with him and he goes to tim's, fuck! but then he also might not go to tim's. so there is more hope than not. more chances for it to be ok than not. but if he comes and dylan is there, oh dear. then the shit hits the fan prolly. ok, take it in stride jen. all will be well. =)

tim's bar party tonight! woohoo! my outfit is weird as expected. i hope it turns out better than the beer dress and gets more positive than negative response. dylan said something cute to me on AIM about it:

[Letrich: Well folks, we're coming to live outside of Tim's Bar... the crowd of spectators has grown steadily throughout the day with the anticipation over tonight's event... Everyone is so anxious to see the fashion's particularly that of the ever lovely jen _______.]

how cute? hehe i wonder what will happen tonight btwn him and me. it's totally make or break tonight. i'm a bit nervous but a bit excited. it's nervous excitement. the last party tim had it was basically the same thing for kyla and brandon. she went. expected him to come. he came. they had to find each other. all went well. i hope the same occurs for me and dylan. =)

on another boy note. andy hasn't called so i assume jeremy told him and it's all weird. whatever. i'll call him again one day cuz he has my guitar book. but yeah. whatever. i saw tyler online not too long ago and so i messaged him saying hi. he replied back saying he couldn't talk but that he wanted to go out with me next week. interesting. i assume that he and his gf are continuing to go through their issues and that he wants to talk. but who knows. whatever. i just hope all is well. =) oh, and my friends from high school, joe and brian, are coming to visit next week! how fun. man next week will be busy. big presentation on tuesday. joe coming shortly after that. and going out with tyler. then studying for my finance midterm which is the following week. poo

i think that i'm beginning to put the block in my mind about dylan. because i see myself thinking, "do i really like him? could i see myself dating him? i feel like when we talk it's great but do i only really like his as a friend?" and then i think, perhaps i am thinking this because i want to find some sort of *thing* to stop me from pursuing a relationship that could potentially work. and/or i'm circumventing the upset i will feel from the possibility that he doesn't like me. i think this is what i have been doing over the past few hours. but who knows. i'm a confused soul with relationship fears up the wazoo!

anyway, i bought some random books today at the book sale on campus. 80% off is damn good! i bought this random shot comedic play only because the back said that it was supposedly really funny. it won a pulitzer prize in 1998. so it must be decent. it's called how i learned to drive by paula vogel. i hope it's good! i also bought a book on roy lichtenstein. and a book about famous marketing people and how they marketed and branded some of the most famous products, services, and people in the recent history. i thought that would be a good read since i want to go into marketing for my career. and on that note, i shall listen to the "only in dreams" cover by mock orange. good stuff. i might run on over to melrose today and get some new earring jewelry. i have an urge. we'll see. i'm tired right now. poo. 8am class blows man.

rick got a concussion by falling when he was playing ultimate frisbee. so me and kyla took him to the ER downtown at like 1am. but after waiting about an hour and realizing that we would be waiting for several more hours, rick decided he felt good enough to come home. so it's good that he's feeling better. =)

i talked to dylan for like 2 hours. time just seems to fly when we talk. i called him on the way home from my agenting class which was actually really good today. scott was nice to us and the head marketing guys from the WB came in and talked to us. that was really interesting. just made me want to do marketing even more! but yeah, i called dylan on my way home and talked to him for like 2 hours about random stuff. i really enjoy talking to him. it's so easy and comfortable. i'll be seeing him at tim's party on friday. he's excited for my outfit. i am too. provided it works out the way i want. =) i figure tim's party will be the make or break with dylan. it'll let me know whether he likes me or not.

today is a GREAT day! nothing in particular has occurred but i just feel like today is great. i woke up a bit tired, but then i went to class and the sun was shining and it was just so nice. i just made a decent tasting banana and peanut butter milkshake. i'm getting these shake things down a bit better. =) and i secured all the necessary goods to make my outfit for friday. i just hope it works. =) i'm currently listening to a fabulous remake of "only in dreams" originally by weezer. while i do like the original, this remake by mock orange is great. i recommend downloading it. it's only like 4 and 1/2 min instead of like 7 and a 1/2 for the original. but this one is just a bit more fast paced and doesn't drag on at the end. it's great! i love it.

whee! i haven't been productive today at all. shameful jen. shameful. had a good little chat online with dylan. aww dylan. he's cool. i dig him. he'll be at tim's party this friday. that will be interesting. i think that will totally pin down how we feel about each other. one way or another. and since he lives far away, if we are into each other, he can stay here with me. =) the theme of tim's party is "sex" and so ppl are doing some random shit to be "sexy" or portray sex. tim gave me an interesting idea that i will try to do for my outfit. it's along the lines of my beer dress. we'll see if it works. i shant reveal the details. already my whole house knows as well as tim. and dylan too. he guessed. but i'm not telling anyone else cuz i want it to be a surprise. oh, pat knows too. but that's cuz he won't be at the party. he's a party pooper! but it's just as well. cuz that would be a real big fucking mess if he was there AND dylan. eeesh. so yeah. but pat. i was talking to him a bit tonight online and i realized something. it's not monumental but it's just true. he's a freshman. and he's not some like frat boy freshman who's all outgoing and think he's the shit and all. pat is a normal guy like all the people i know. which is totally cool. but i'm a "normal" person too and when i was a freshman, i rarely went partying, didn't drink that much, and was just in general more clueless and lame. it's the nature of being acclimated into college life for most "normal" people. anyway, if some junior guy liked me and all, i bet i would feel totally out of my element and not know what the hell to do. so i can see where pat is at. i'm this older girl (which is even weirder cuz usually it's older guy with younger girl, not vice versa) who likes him and it's like probably a bit weird for him. and putting myself in his place, i can totally see that now. and it makes sense. so i fault pat in no way here. i understand and it's fine. pat's cool. i still dig him. and i'm trying hard to get this cube right for him cuz he would think it was neat. and maybe one day i'll give him the cd too. i mean he already could tell i was into him. so why the hell be ashamed of the cd? it took a lot of work. and he can at least appreciate it! so yeah.

on another note, i'm gonna add a comments section to this blog. so that way people can post reactions to this stuff if they want. and if i don't see great response to it, then i'll just remove it. =)

ok so i'm not doing anything productive. i decided to take some thespark.com tests. i am only 64% pure these days. just about every year i take that test and my purity level goes down every time. haha and then i took the slut test since i saw that emily and jessica had taken it. i'm only 29% slutty. oh yeah! the average for women is 46%. why don't you find out how slutty you are?

finance (pronounced, fih-nance, not fie-nance) will be the death of me. actually, make that my business degree in general. i just took my fucking finance quiz and did not do so well. from the oohs and aahs around me, i gather people in general did not do as well on this quiz as the first. i guess it's ok cuz apparently the prof drops the lower of the two and i did alright on the last one. so it's not soooo bad. but whatever. my 302 class today, cerling handed back the grades for the last speech we gave. i got a 75. fucking hell! i know i didn't do spectacular but whatever. i fucking hate my degree. but that's not some like great revelation here. i have known that for a little while now. it's just too late to change it. i do like marketing tho. and my marketing prof is like a really nice man who seems quite fatherly. the way he smiles at us is just so pleasant. u never need to be afraid of him berating you and you always feel like what he's saying isn't too taxing on your mind. he usually starts class with little anecdotes too. i like that. very comfortable. and he rarely keeps us the full class period. anyway, so that's my life in the academia realm. in related topics, my stomach is uneasy due to my coffee intact last nite. i only had like 2 cups yet this morning i was so jittery i felt sort of nauseous. i seriously had to lay down to get over it. and i'm still slightly feeling the affects. no good. i'm going to try to continue searching for a way to make this origami rubick's cube because i think it would be the cutest thing to give to pat regardless of whether or not he likes me. that damn cube is so pivotal to our relationship it's not even funny. =)

i think that whenever something seems to be *anything* i start to freak. cuz inherently i'm scared of relationships. and so i always try to cop out if possible. cuz it's a slightly subconscious thing. perhaps i did that with andy. dismissed him quickly because i knew that he liked me and so i'm like, "shit, this could work." i don't think so with him really cuz yeah his surfer thing is sorta not my style. but now with dylan. i talked to him again tonight. not as long. maybe less than an hour. i found out that he really likes food a lot and 80's music. like ky! they are on the same level there. haha anyway, he's still really cool and i like him. but like michael was mentioning that he sees dylan around campus and pointed out that he's a sharp dresser. nice faded diesel type jeans. nice shirts. black shoes. just nice style. and i realized that's not me. so not me. i'm little punky girl here with red in my hair. so then it started to make me question our compatibility. but now i realize i might just be doing this as a reaction. cuz it's a way to push him away. find the bad thing and exploit it to avoid any sort of possible relationship. i shouldn't do that and i won't do that. but i see myself slipping while my mind is vulnerable right now. i'm trying to focus on finance and it's not working. i think i need to change my music too. first it was get up kids. now it's saves the day. perhaps some lenny or some more ambient music would be good. daft punk. avalanches. ian pooley. something like that.

ok so my plan to be healthy and satisfy my urges went slightly awry. i woke up this morning and wasn't very hungry. probably due to the food i ate right before i went to bed last nite. anyway, so i thought, "i like smoothies/shakes. what if i just got the ingredients to make them and then made them! they are healthy and filling. that would be good for me." so i went to ralphs and got the stuff. but then i came home and made a smoothie and what sits before me is only something that slightly resembles a smoothie. lets just say, i'm using a spoon most of the time. but at least it's healthy. so that's good. is it as tasty as i'd hoped it would be? not exactly. but whatever. c'est la vie!

anyway, i promised i'd add more photos to this blog to break up the heavy amount of text that has been surfacing lately. so i thought i'd display some photographers and artists i like. but i'll also tie it into my life as well. dual purpose. =) so here goes. when i was talking to dylan last nite, i expressed to him my odd obession with squares and rectangles. more precisely, i seem to like when they have borders around them. and i pointed to one of my favorite photographer/artists, david hockney. hockney does both paintings and photography. but his photography creates sort of paintings in themselves. below are some of his works that i like that i could find images of online. i really like his polaroid work where he captures the same image in different frames and sticks them together to form one large photo. and notice the white borders around the images. i love it! and then he also does photo collage work which i find to be quite interesting.

anyway, so then dylan asked me if i like works by piet mondrian because he is famous for his paintings with basic colors and right angles. i said that i wasn't a big fan of his stuff but some is alright. below are two mondrian paintings. i like the one of the left but not the one on the right. i think i like the one on the left before the borders around the colors are so well-defined whereas the one of the right they are not. if u look closely, u'll see that the black lines don't end at each other. they sort of overlap and cross each other. not as defined as the painting on the left.

so then after i told him about my obession with squares and rectangles, i told him about how i have issues with dots placed closely together. but that there is no pattern to how the dots are placed when they bother me. it's more of an individual basis. most dot formations are fine. i recall the first time i realized this bothered me. i was watching a tv show and there was a man who was getting a hair transplant. it was a sitcom. and so the man had all these dots on his forehead and it totally bugged me. got under my skin like crazy. and from then i realized that dots placed closely together bother me. but again, no specific pattern. i also recall a time when i went to santa monica and parked in the lot and saw two grates overlapping and the holes in the grates were all crazily placed due to the overlapping. that bugged me a lot as well. yet paintings by roy lichtenstein have lots of dots placed closely together and that doesn't but me at all. below, the first painting/mural on the top has some dot formations which are all placed nicely together to form a neat looking picture. the second painting doesn't really have any dot formations (except in the painting of the pyramid above the bed) that u can see, but i wanted to display it because it's cool and i have that postcard on my door. =)

and so dylan reasoned that perhaps since i am such an anal, organized person and like things with right angles, maybe the dots thing is bad for me because it represents chaos and i don't like chaos. lichtenstein's paintings have dots but they are all organized. so perhaps that doesn't bother me because it is done all orderly the way i like things. anyway, this is all sort of fluffy blog writing in relation to my usual boy rantings and whatnot. but i wanted to put up some images to break up the text so this was my way of doing so. i'll stick up more photos later, of whatever i find interesting. but this is enough for now. time to do finance! ugh.

so today is gonna be really shitty. oh yes, just a moment. blogs take the literal time of midnight to change over to a new day. which makes sense. that's correct. but my day goes from when i wake up til when i sleep. and i practically NEVER sleep before midnight. so often times my posts are like 2am are about shit that happened the day before technically. so it might be confusing. but i'm sure most people get it. but i just thought i'd mention it. like this post right here is for today, the 18th. but the one i posted at 2:58am is for yesterday the 17th.

anyway, so today will be shitty cuz i have sooooo much studying to do for finance. i don't want to fail. yes, it really is that bad. so i shall do that hardcore tonight. and try to call dylan as well cuz i want to show some interest here. but we can't chat for hours on end cuz i have work to do! on the pat note. i feel as tho i was a bit harsh with my words last nite. that was my sort of, knee-jerk reaction to the situation. it's still mostly true, but i just worded it poorly. essentially i will go on maintaining the relations that i have with him now which are basically online exclusive since he never calls me and i have only called a couple times, of which the convo did not go so well. i am not going to end the friendship but i'm not trying to make it one that is of the caliber of my other friends who i see more regularly. i'll still try to make that origami rubick's cube altho i know it's not gonna work cuz i can already see that. but i'll try my best and it'll be a pseudo-rubick's cube. and he won't be getting the cd i worked so hard on. oh well. i'll keep it as a memory of my hard work but put a big label on it that says "never delivered" or something like that.

wow! i talked to dylan for a loooooong time tonight. and he was really cool. i really like him. basically he was online and i thought, "hmmm should i message him?" but i didn't cuz i didn't legitimately know his screen name since he never told it to me. it's just that he uses aol as his internet so his email is his aol name. so i didn't message him but then after a bit he messaged me and so we began chatting. and it was going well. then the fone rings and it's him! he just decided that typing wasn't good enough. so we chatted and i think we were on the fone for like over 2 hours. and i haven't had a long fone convo in a really long time. it was nice. we both are really big talkers and so the convo never went dry. and we have similar interests and i feel like we are on the same level. he's an only child like me. anyway, we talked a lot and it was just really nice. however i can't get a handle on whether or not he likes me. cuz typically if a guy talked to me that long i'd be like, "ok yeah he must like me. guys don't talk this long." but he's like me. we talk a LOT. and we like to go into detail on stories and leave long fone messages. so it's hard to tell. but yeah. i could see myself liking this boy. i mean i already do. but yeah. i will be proactive about this and like ask him out or something. of course i have a fucking shitload of finance shit to study now for my quiz on tuesday. that sucks. but the convo was so good i didn't want it to stop! goodness gracious. hmm, yeah dylan. he's my only shot left anyway. cuz andy i don't want. jeremy is a no go. and pat. good ole pat. rick talked to him. apparently the one everyone is so in favor of is indecisive about me. rick wouldn't go into details and break the confidentiality of his friendship with pat which i respect, but he said that essentially pat is unsure. and so whatever. at this point i really can't be bothered. sad but true. cuz i mean, i really like pat and he's cool. but if he's not sure, then i'm not gonna put on a show and dance and be like "yeah pick me pick me. i'm a good catch!" i just won't do that. i don't like him *that* much. so, as sad as it may be, he's prolly just gonna fall to the wayside. cuz see my theory on boys that i like is that if they are cool and all, then if they don't like me, i'll at least try to be their friend. but like, i have so many guy friends who are ppl i used to like, that i'm starting to get sick of that. and in reality, a friendship btwn me and pat would take some work here since he doesn't live close to me, doesn't like partying that much, doesn't drink, and has no car. and he's not big on the fone talking. so really, it'd be hard. and i can't be bothered with that. so it seems like he'll just be resigned to one of my friends who i talk to online and see on occasion, but nothing more. i know it sounds harsh, but hey, if he isn't sure about me, well fuck it. i'm not taking the plunge here. i only take the plunge and be bold when i don't know how the guy feels and so the only way to get shit accomplished is to take action and just be straightforward. but when i know that he's not totally interested, why the fuck put myself out there on the line?? why hurt myself? no one likes rejection! and that would be completely setting myself up for it. fuck that shit! so anyway, i'm gonna pursue dylan right now. cuz he seems really cool. we're on the same level. we connect. and if it doesn't work out, he will be one for the friends book. even tho he doesn't live around here, we connect so well that at least we could talk on the fone a lot. cuz we're good at that. so yeah, it's all about dylan right now. and whenever andy calls, i'll deliver that speech. and if he doesn't call, then whatever. no worries. that means he doesn't care or jeremy told him. and if it takes him a long time to call, again, whatever. take it in stride. and if dylan doesn't work out, then emily u need to make room for me down there. and turn up the dashboard loud so we can listen to it together. =)

i reversed the way my posts are listed within the days so that the most recent post is on top. that way u don't have to scroll through the endless amounts of text! i know, i know. how kind of me. thank you. thank you. no really, your applause is really not necessary. =)

as jessica and i were saying, this blog stuff will be the death of us! goodness gracious. i'm sprewing out my life from all orifices on this thing. it's no holds barred since i'm using names too! i really have no idea who reads this other than my friends, but there are others because the IPs addresses don't look too familiar. not that i'm an expert on IPs, but emily taught me a thing or two. regardless of the matter, blogs are addictive to the reader and the writer. i am addicted to writing random shit on here, and people seem to be addicted to reading it. not necessarily mine, but blogs in general. especially when someone you like or have some sort of attachment to has a blog. it's like pandora's box being opened. because u may read things u don't want to read. anyway, that's just some random babble about blogs.

i am currently avoiding my work like the plague by trying to create a non-functional rubick's cube out of origami for pat. i don't think it's gonna work out right tho. and i really need to get to my work. i had nightmares about it! that's serious shit. it's quite cold here by LA standards and i habitually sit in this room of mine with my blanket around me. yes, looking like and old lady. only old ladies don't listen to emo music. that's for damned sure. me, emily, and jessica have been listening to dashboard lately it seems. it's like the epitomy of emo music. lots of lamenting and wailing about failed relationships. not the best thing to listen to when you are feeling down about boys and life, but yet it seems to soothe the soul in some way. i'm not completely down about life. emily and i are currently riding the see-saw as she puts it. it seems that when i am up, she is down, and vice versa. most of the time we are about right in the middle. the balanced point on the fulcrum, waiting for one or the other to tip the scales. even in my "up" state tho, i am not entirely happy with life. the only reason i am up is because i apparently have choices. choices that don't seem to really be choices anymore. andy is no longer a choice as i have decided he is not my type. and even if he was, he wouldn't want a relationship anyway! jeremy is not a choice because once this whole love triangle thing dies out, even if andy doesn't care if jeremy and i did something, jeremy doesn't want a relationship either. so at most we fool around. not hardly a choice. dylan could be a choice except that he's not even responding to my email. altho i won't jump to conclusions yet, because i have done that so many times with boys i liked and then found that there was a very valid reason why they didn't call or whatnot. so perhaps there is a bit of hope there. however, i'm not even sure i would like this guy cuz i don't even know him! and then there's pat. good ole pat. the one that everyone loves and wants me to be with. that's all fine and dandy except that he's so shy i can't even tell if he does like me! regardless of that, does he, or dylan, want a relationship? i mean, most of the boys i know don't! it's understandable to just want to be free and reckless in your college youth. to some extent i want that too. cuz really, i don't want a long-term relationship. i'm not ready for that at all! but i am looking for some sort of commitment. and i don't like how boys are so narrowed-minded about it. like jessica said, she wasn't looking for a commitment but she was open to the idea if it presented itself and seemed right. and i think that's a good way to look at it. don't shut off the option of a relationship before u even get into anything. cuz if u start off by saying u don't want one, then u just close off a whole world it seems. what if some guy liked me and i was just like, "no i'm not looking for a relationship." and so he thought, "well fuck that. it won't go anywhere. what's the point?" and then we part ways not knowing that if we had gotten together we would have really hit it off and been happy together in some semblance of a relationship. that would just be a shame. but yet, most guys seems to have that mindset of "no relationship. period." from the start. and that definitely pushes away people like me who want at least something along those lines. just some thoughts...perhaps now it's time to do some work. oh yeah, happy st. patrick's day!

so rick came home around midnight with his new little jetta. yay for rick! he has a car now. =) i caught him up to speed on the boy situation and he at first didn't think telling andy everything was a good idea. but then he reconsidered and thought that yeah, it really doesn't matter. might as well get it out there. so i shall. rick is one for good advice on such matters. i like discussing these issues with him. he applauded me for being so bold with jeremy. he loves how i can be so straightforward with boys about such matters. i figure it's just easier that way than beating about the bush and wasting time. i'm a girl on the prowl. i have no time to waste! i need the answers right away. no pussyfooting. why, u ask, am i taking so long with pat then? he's been one of my recent exceptions. i feel as tho he gets a slight benefit of the doubt since we made out once. and also, he might be clueless in the girl realm. so he gets some leeway. also, rick has agreed to "talk" with him. so i'm banking on that for some info. so anyway, glad to have rick back. ky returns tomorrow. lo on monday. then orange:house is back to it's full capacity. yay!

note: i shall try to include more photos and less text in later posts cuz i know this heavy amount of text is a bit straining on the eyes.

hmm...in a quandry of sorts. i couldn't get a hold of andy so i called jeremy. and he was home thankfully. so i asked if he knew where andy was and he didn't. so then i asked him plain and simple. "do i have a shot with u? i hate playing 'the game' and it's pointless since u know i like u." he said "well, we'll have to see what happens. i'm not trying to play any games here." and i said "well it sounds like u are. typically i'm not so bold and forward about this sort of stuff but i figure since u already know it's silly to play games. u can tell me the truth. i won't mind." and he said "well i can tell u that i don't want a girlfriend." and i said "ok fine. that's good to know." and left it at that. basically it sounds like to me if anything were to occur btwn us it would be purely fun and physical which can be fun, but not totally. and i don't really want that. so at this point i think i'm gonna forget about the jeremy situation unless nothing else works out and i feel compelled to have some fun. as for andy, it's not as pressing now that i talk to him immediately. so i think i'll try again later but i won't worry about it really. eventually he'll call me back and i'll deliver the goods and then all will be well. hopefully. i'm sure he won't really care cuz he's not looking for a relationship. so big deal, one less girl to make out with. i'm sure he's got many others he's after anyway. and he's cute so he can get some. no worries. but i didn't break the system. the system being the one where one friend likes u but u like the other friend. time and time again this happens to people and typically in the end, no one gets with anyone. i thought i might be able to break the system. mike was rooting for me. alas, it didn't work. the love triangle is broken and the system remains in tact.

i do, however, feel relieved of that burden! but i can't help but continue to ask myself the question that continually plagues me, "why do boys not want relationships?" moreover, both andy and jeremy, in the same nite, mentioned their ex-gf's. now, if they don't want relationships, why did they have ex-gf's?? this seems to make no sense. i understand that boys at this age, (yes boys, not men) are looking to have lots of silly college fun. and hell, some girls are too. but more girls than boys want relationships which creates an imbalance in this structure. so why do movies show guys wanting relationships at this age? i think it's ludicrous! what's more complicated is that guys in general are expected to initiate things with girls. so the girl inititally has all the power to say yes or no. but then when the girl concedes, the boy has all the power cuz he's the one that gets to decide whether he wants to further this relationship or not. and typically they don't want to. at most they will continue with a "fuck friends" thing. i dunno how i feel about this. personally i am not a fan of the fuck friends thing because i get easily attached. i would prefer a casual relationship that is monogamous but not necessarily longlasting. i'm not looking for my husband here. but i want some sort of commitment. so anyway, to bring this back to andy and jeremy, neither of them seem to want commitment. or at least according to jeremy he doesn't want it and he says andy doesn't either. so ultimately, neither of them will work into my scheme of things because i want a relationship. so now, do i even tell andy about liking jeremy? cuz it could be a moot point now. i could just say, well i don't think we click and also u don't want a relationship and i do. altho that could pigeonhole me so perhaps just say we don't click and leave it at that. altho, i could just come totally clean about it all and leave nothing to chance and weirdness which might be preferable. fuck. hmm...well in the course of writing this babble i will say that i have decided i'm waiting for him to call me back. that's for sure! and what about that unwritten law concert he and jeremy were alluding to? is that still on? i wonder if he still wants me to go. hmmm....bad jen. bad.

now to move onto other boys, where is dylan? how come he never called? do i give up? perhaps i'll email him again. we'll see. and when does pat return and do i give him the cd??? ugh. what a mess! it's all gonna come crashing to a hault really soon. i can see it right now. it all started with today. yes, the downward spiral begins. emily, look out. i'm heading straight for ya. it'll be dashboard all the way in, i predict, about 2 weeks.

ugh! i tried calling andy a few times now. his home here and his cell. no answer! fucking hell! ok, i'll try a few more times throughout the nite and then i give up. i'll call jeremy and ask if he knows where andy is and then ask if i have a shot with him and then maybe leave a message on andy's machine or something. ugh! anyway, i'm nearly done reading this book for 302 class. it's called talking from 9 to 5 - women and men in the workplace: language, sex, and power by deborah tannen. there is a quote here that makes it hopeful that i will one day find a man.

pg. 269
"individuals who in the past might have expected to meet prospective partners through extended family and religious organizations are now far more likely to find them where they work."

see, there is still hope! emily and i always talk about how when we go to work we won't find anyone. but maybe we will. we don't have statistics on this shit, but maybe, just maybe, there is hope.

poo. andy's still not home. i wonder if he knows and he's avoiding me. i think that's my own paranoia. but if he doesn't pick up soon, i might be forced to leave it all on the answering machine. cuz i can't wait days and days and days on this shit u know. i want to be free and clear of the mess. free and clear i tell ya!! boo hoo. how come my life is always a boy mess? always!

on another note, i got my accutane today. woohoo! fuck insurance and the bureaucracy!

and on yet another random note. i have decided i'm gonna try waxing. yes, the painful act of ripping one's hairs out of one's skin. i bought this sugar wax stuff yesterday and once the hair on my legs is long enough, i'm waxing that shit. see how it goes. i wonder just how much it will hurt. i gather a lot. but whatever. see if the hair regrowth is a slower process afterward and see if the hair grows back less thick. i hope i hope!

ok. so i've been discussing this andy/jeremy issue with some people online. i have decided to just take the plunge with it. go for broke. basically i'll talk to andy. tell him my little speech. then call up jeremy and just be like "ok. do i have a shot with u? plain and simple. cuz there's no point in me beating around the bush with this since you know i like u anyway." and if he says there's a shot, ok fine. if not, i'm out nothing. right? so i should just do that. get this shit over with. i'm sick of pussyfooting around.

so i just got back from seeing this documentary with jason called chop suey. it's about this photographer named bruce weber and how he find's this young wrestler named peter johnson and photographs him over a 4 year period to make this book called chop suey. the film is an autobiography of sorts about weber and his life meeting all these different people and working with different models and photographers. it's shot very awkwardly with lots of camera movement that could make you sort of sick at times. and there are a lot of jarring cuts. it was interesting but all over the place. but there was one moment that stuck out in my mind. bruce was talking about this photographer, donald sterzin, who died of aids a little while back. sterzin found this athlete, jeff aquilon, who he photographed like crazy. donald got sterzin on the cover of GQ which was a quite a feat back in the day. anyway, when donald died, bruce continued to photograph jeff and one day, bruce and this woman jan (not sure how she factors in) were having dinner with jeff and his family. and jan gave a toast to donald and bruce turned to jeff and said, "no one ever loved you more." that one line right there really stuck out to me. i'm not really sure why but it did. it just seemed so genuine. i wish that there was someone out there that loved me that much. even if it was like that sort of relationship between donald and jeff where donald, i'm sure, was gay and loved jeff but of course couldn't have him cuz jeff was straight. but it was sort of a love from afar type thing. he loved to photograph him and probably be around him. and that just seems so genuine. i dunno, it really stuck with me. maybe i was in a sappy love mood. who knows. nah, not really. altho i'm very much thinking about boys these days. why hasn't dylan called? should i give pat the cd i made for him? when will andy be home so i can have the "talk"? and would jeremy date me? eeessh....

i hate dealing with insurance. what a fucking mess to get my last 3 wks of accutane! freakin eh! anyway, my doctor just called and said it will all be processed today so i should be able to get the pills tomorrow. thank god. woo! anyway so i should call andy tonight and tell him everything. on the advice of jeremy that is. so i guess i'll do that. i came up with my little "speech" that i shall deliver. i hope i have the guts. here it is. i'm sure it won't come out this way when i say it, but this is the plan:

so i've been thinking and i figured i'd just tell you this now so that way it's not messy down the line. ok, so i don't think you and i are compatible. you're nice and i am attracted to you, but i feel like we just don't click. and also, yes, i do like jeremy as you alluded to last nite. you probably didn't need or want to hear that, but i thought i should be honest and just get it out there. now, i presume this won't be all that bad cuz jeremy told that even though you're attracted to me, you weren't looking for a real relationship anyway. so this shouldn't be that big of a deal. plus, on my side of it, a sort of fling type thing is alright but i'd prefer a relationship. so yeah. i'm sorry. i'd still love to hang out with ya cuz you're cool and all. i just don't think we click. but i understand if u don't wanna hang out. so yeah, i just thought i'd tell you this sooner rather than later.

ok so that's it. that's my little thing. i hope i have the guts to say this. i've never done this before but whatever. i've heard this sort of shit from other ppl so i guess it's time i am the one saying it!

omg! fucking hell. what a mess. ok here's the deal. so i picked up andy and we went to get gas. while i'm getting the gas, either he calls jeremy or jeremy calls him. anyhow, he gives me the fone. so i'm chatting with jeremy for like a long ass time. i'm like cruising down the 10 chatting with him. he's asking me about andy and what i think of him. he tells me that andy thinks i'm cute. i'm flattered. i already got that impression from andy but now it's confirmed. but then he's asking me if i think andy is cute. i tell him that's a loaded question cuz i'm thinking that if i say yes, he'll take that to mean that i actually like andy. so i tell jeremy that it's a loaded question and he proceeds to ask me if i just purely think andy is attractive. so i say yes. now what i could have said was "yes he is. but so are u." cuz really, jeremy was the one i liked first out of the two. the only thing was that i wasn't getting anywhere with jeremy and i was getting vibes from andy so i just figured that even if i had any shot at jeremy, andy prolly already told him that he likes me and so it wouldn't work so might as well at least check out andy. so anyway, i'm chatting with jeremy for like 10-15 min it seems. basically the whole ride to santa monica. all the while, poor andy's just sitting there. i found out that jeremy is actually a junior like me and he's 22!! even more appealing now. =) anyway, so we hang up with him basically encouraging me to like make the moves on andy or something. so me and andy go to the movie. it's whatever. typical teenage flick. dumb. whatever. not my type of movie but i selected it on the basis that i thought it was a decent date movie. now, honestly, before i picked up andy, i was thinking that if the date went decently, i could ask andy back to my place and we could make out. it would be sorta superficial but whatever. but as the movie was playing i just really didn't wanna do that. i was pretty sure i could, since jeremy told me andy was attracted to me. but i just wasn't feeling it. like andy is nice and all, but he seems flaky or spacey or something. and i was dominating the conversation most of the time too so i didn't even get to hear him speak that much. altho he did say that he met weird tim once at the surf club cuz i was telling him my tim story. how random is that?!? but anyway, i just wasn't feeling it. and i resolved in my head that i would just drive right now and drop him off and let it be at that. maybe if i was drunk i would have wanted to make out with andy. who knows. so i'm approaching his place when his fone rings. it's jeremy! perfect timing. how ridiculous. so he talks to andy for like a minute and then andy hands me the fone! so here i am chatting with jeremy again. for like another 15 min. weird. he asks me why i'm not making out with andy yet. and tells me to at least give him a kiss. i told him this was so ridiculous! he asks if i'm shy. and to some extent i am with boys. but whatever. that wasn't the issue. the issue at hand was that i wasn't feeling it with andy regardless if it was just a hookup or not. and i was once again remembering how i initially liked jeremy of the two. i told jeremy that i have issues and he asked what they were but i said i couldn't tell him right then cuz i mean andy was right there!! so jeremy tells me how he was all hung up on his ex gf and whatnot but now that's over and then says, "ok i told u my issues. u tell me urs now." but i told him that i just couldn't tell him! i would have told him right then and there that i was into him, but andy was there so i couldn't. so after a bit, he talked to andy again and then hung up. i looked over at andy and was like, "whoa this was all just too weird. whoa. ok yeah. i'm sorry. i'm just gonna have to say goodbye right now." so he said i should call him again or something. so whatever. i left and went home and called jeremy cuz i wanted to tell him how it was all weird but also tell him that i like him too. so....

...to break it up since the paragraph was getting long. i came home. called jeremy on both his cell and at home and got machines. so i left a message and i really wasn't sure if he'd call back. so in the meantime i called kyla. we talked for a few minute when my fone rang. it was jeremy. so i talked to him. i told him everything. we talked for like 20 min about this. i told him that i really just wasn't feeling it with andy. he's nice and all but just too spacey or something. and then i dropped the bomb. i told him that basically of the two, i liked jeremy more and from the start. he was like, "whoa. i can't tell that to andy. whoa." and it was all weird but we were laughing a lot about it. it was funny but weird. he's like "jen, you started a love triangle!!" and i was like "yeah i know. i'm sorry. this is all fucked up. but i thought i'd just get the truth out there." he mentioned a couple times, "well, u have my number. u can call me and we can kick it." he asked me what exactly was the deal? like was it that i was just more attracted to him than andy. and he said it was ironic how he didn't do anything about me and andy did and yet i like him. i told him everything and how like when i first went to class i spotted him and so then the next week i sat over by andy cuz i knew that jeremy would come and sit there too. and how jeremy just seems more with it and level headed and andy seems spacey and surferish. and i'm just not really down with that. and i told him that once i felt like i was getting vibes from andy i knew that even if i had any shot at him it wouldn't work cuz andy prolly would tell him that he liked me and then jeremy wouldn't be able to do anything anyway. so i figured i'd give andy a shot. but i did and i just wasn't feeling it. jeremy said that andy's not looking for some sort of like real relationship and all but he did tell jeremy that he thought i was cute and jeremy thinks that the more he was around me the more i grew on him. eeesh....jeremy said that andy was like "yeah it's just something about her...." oh dear! so in the end i was like, "so what should i do?" jeremy said i should just be totally honest and get it all out there before it gets sticky. i think i might do that cuz that way andy will know everything. he'll know that i like jeremy and then if i have any shot with jeremy, it's in the clear. i don't lose much there. and if he's cool with it, then hell, maybe i can date jeremy! so yeah. who knows. but fucking hell. the thick plottens! what a boy mess. and this isn't even pat or dylan either. altho, in all fairness, jeremy was the first one i liked out of everything this semester. i remember coming home from guitar class on the very first day of the semester thinking, i want to pursue that boy. and now look at this fucking mess i've gotten into! it's like tyson and dominic all over. only tyson never found out, to my knowledge, that i liked dominic. so it's not quite the same cuz i'm gonna tell andy. also, tyson was aggressive enough and attractive enough to get me to make out with him whereas andy isn't. so yeah. whatever. what a mess! but hell, it's better than me moping around wishing my life was interesting. at least now it is. and even if everything fails and i'm still single as all hell, at least i had fun!

oh oh. i just remembered something. i remember while i was driving in the car, before i got to andy's, he asked me in the car something about him or jeremy or something. and then he casually slips in something like "do u like jeremy?" or "u like jeremy don't u?" something like that. and like i just replied by saying that i don't know jeremy really just like i don't know him really. i sorta just clump the two of them together cuz they are good friends. and i sorta left it at that. but hmm....could he tell? this is odd. whatever. it's true tho. i do like jeremy. oh fuck. what a mess!

well, andy just called. we're gonna go to the promenade to see 40 days and 40 nights. funny how exactly one week ago today i was at the promenade with pat! well, this whole andy thing might not be anything cuz he mentioned inviting jeremy along since he lives like right there. fucking hell! jeremy has a studio apt in santa monica. like $1000/month rent! he must be loaded!! anyway, so i dunno how this will go but it's going the way i wanted in that andy called before dylan. woo! the rest of the night remains to be seen...

ok so i'm still reading my fucking book for 302. and i will not be going to the ozma concert tonight. i just don't feel like it. i feel like being a recluse and homebody today. so yeah. whatever. blogger has been down today. maintenance has slowed my quest to get this layout the way i want it. it's about there. i got rid of the ad thing. i decided to fork over the 12 bucks to do so. i rationalized it because it's basically $1 a month. and that's like nothing. that's like one apple fritter less. which is good cuz i shouldn't be eating so much junk food anyway! gonna get fat. poo.

hmm...will i get my work done today the way i need to? i hope so! freakin eh. yes, i spell it "freakin eh" and not "freakin A." i don't care what other people say. =P

wow. i really like dashboard confessional i realized. and chris is really cute. i would totally want to date him. i mean i don't know him. but from an aesthetic and musical standpoint i would. cuz he's hot and he plays good music. good enough for me. and he's fairly young as well. ooh la la. watch out brandon boyd! anyway, i watched the "screaming infidelities" video on mtv.com. good stream. good video. downloaded the .mov file of it. i like the color. i mean its good for what it is. an emo band video. practically unheard of in my opinion! i think its great that dashboard is getting more exposure. maybe they're do another tour and i can go see it this time since i missed this last one due to the fact that i couldn't think of anyone who would go with me since it's spring break. not to mention a lot of ppl don't like emo! anyway, next time man. next time!! hopefully the venue won't be too big. cuz if it was, that would suck. it wouldn't be the same at all. not intimate where we can all just sing along and feel good about the music.

on a note about boys. i'm eagerly awaiting for someone to call me. andy or dylan. whichever. and of course i am waiting for pat to come back too. cuz i need to give him the cd i made for him. and hopefully rick can talk to him and see what's up. take him under this wing. teach him the tricks of the trade. be his mentor! hehe

new layout. i'm not totally happy with it, but i'm sick of doing this stuff right now! i'll tweak it more later. i want it to look sorta artsy fartsy. u know? anyway, tim is gone. hallelujah! thank god!!! i think because i was talking to him so much last nite and because we talked about sex, that is why i had a dream about him. and we were making out. eeesh! dear lord. whatever. anyway, today i have done nothing productive other than pick out what classes to take for next semester. if i get the ones i want, my schedule won't be *too* bad. i'll have friday classes tho just so i can get the good law teacher. so i guess it's worth it. no class on monday. one on wednesday at nite. and then 3 on tues/thurs. not so bad. that's if i get the ones i want. so i'm crossing my fingers on that one. oh, and no class before noon! anyway, i should start being productive today. i'll start with a shower. since i feel nasty. then get down to work. real work that is.

oh my fucking god! i just talked to tim for like 3 fucking hours. holy shit. i'm spent. we didn't get too weird and philosophical thankfully but still. fucking hell! i can't handle him. and it's now like midnight and i still have lots of shit to do! ugh. whatever. anyway, he's sleeping over here cuz the guy he was gonna bum a couch off of can't meet with him til tomorrow or something. lovely! tim will be here when i awake. poo. poo poo poo!

ok so apparently i'm worth exactly $1,579,050.00. at least according to humanforsale.com. how much are u worth?? oh, and on a link i found on the humanforsale.com site, u can face the jury and see how attractive u are or something like that. it appears as though ppl submit their fotos and blurbs about themselves and ppl rate them. ludicrous. almost like that hot or not site. hours of ridiculous fun! ok, time to save michael from tim upstairs. and eat some food. =)

fucking hell! weird tim is back in our lives. i remember about a month ago i saw him on campus when i was having lunch with brian. i earnestly tried to avoid eye contact but to no avail. so we chitchatted and he flaunted his well-read brain to brian with some random quotes here and there. usual tim style. anyway, i figured i wouldn't see much of him cuz he was socially loafing off of alison. anyway, today he came to our house around 3pm or something and me and michael entertained his ridiculous banter for about 5 min. he said he would be going to mexico soon to discover the "suchness of his being" or something insane like that. anyway, so me and michael were just about to leave the house to get his car out of the repair shop when the doorbell rings. fucking hell, it's tim! he wants to chill here for a few hours til he meets up with his friend. lovely! just lovely! we now have to entertain him. altho we seriously don't want to. whatever. he's upstairs watching a movie or something. i'll tend to my reading and whatnot. i just hope and pray he doesn't come down here and want to talk. cuz talking with tim is like listening to billy graham in person! only weirder...

hmm...just when i thought andy was out of my life. he calls me up! goodness gracious. he's been at home it seems. and he's going camping tonight. but he said when he returns we shall go out. probably to see a movie. 40 days and 40 nights. a decent "date" movie. interesting how this all transpires. he said he might be seeing unwritten law next week and if he does, i'm invited. interesting. the thick plottens! whatever. i don't think this andy thing will work out cuz he's not really my type as i see it. but whatever. it could be fun for a little bit. but i'm still holding out for pat or dylan. ky's pro dylan at this point and rick is pro pat. go figure. but what am i pro about??

good ole blog. i jumped on the bangwagon! first jessica made one and that got me to do it. now emily has one. and tyler as well. i picked him up from the airport today. what a cute boy. altho he's hardly a boy at age 23 and working as a financial analyst! he has a cute laugh tho. it was funny. i was playing third eye blind's original album in the car cuz i remember i used to play that when i'd drive to his house in newport. so i thought it was fitting. when he got in the car he said he hadn't listened to that cd in awhile. i remember we made out to that cd once. oh the memories...anyway, perhaps i'll go do something with him this week since he's off. that would be fun. maybe wednesday or thursday. i can't wait til i turn 21 and go drink with him somewhere. that'll be good times. 2 years in the waiting! anyway, me and michael were watching trainspotting on dvd which we borrowed from deanu, but michael's on the fone with heidi right now, so the dvd is on hold. so i figured, what the hell, write in my blog. like jessica said, i feel like when something happens, i think, "oh this would be good to write in my blog!" this thing IS quite addictive. =)

well. i still hate costco. that's for sure. BUT, today was good because 1) i got some colored lightbulbs for my star lamp thingymabob. red and blue. i'm happy about that! 2) old navy had the shirt i've been wanting for a long time! it's this linen top with a v-neck. white. they had it at gap but not in my size. i thought i'd never see it again. but then there it was! so i'm REALLY excited about that. gonna wear it tonight i'm sure. once i get into the shower. man do i feel gross! 3) on spin magazine's top 40 list, incubus was 20 something. but whatever. dashboard confessional was number 40!!! holy shit. dashboard is making it. yay! i'm excited. altho this means not so small venues now. =( but still. i'm happy for him. he's great. i love dashboard. got me through some rough times. anyway, one more trip to LAX tonight. last one. woo! picking up tyler. maybe he will help me get air in my tires. cuz i don't know how!

done! woohoo! done with pat's cd. done with the cd. done with the lyric's insert. done with the back insert. all done! and i'm tired. gotta get a lot of shit done tomorrow. poo. but on a great bright note. i have no zits! this is like the first time i over 7 years or so since i haven't had a zit!! hallelujah. the accutane has done the trick. it just better stay this way!!

ok so apparently when writing emails, if you send links to books, say the name of the book and author and then put the link. cuz it makes it harder for the email reader if you don't supply the info before they have to click the fucking link! goodness fucking gracious. i'm just pissed cuz my 302 teacher made so many fucking comments about the email i sent to him. cuz it's a business communication class and so he's supposed to comment on any sort of correspondence i give if he sees errors. omg! and using "asap" is a cardinal sin. all be aware of that. fucking hell! whatever. i just had to rant.

blah. i'm super bored. i'm reluctantly reading my catch up marketing reading. this will be followed by catch up cinema reading. then tomorrow i'll prolly tackle catch up finance reading and work. as well as reading for my 302 presentation. what sort of vacation is this?? on top of that, its boring as all hell around here. everyone is gone except michael. he's a great guy but still. tomorrow i also get to go to costco and buy toilet paper and towels. yippee! *gag me now* and go to ralphs and the pharmacy and borders. oh and the library too. how fun. ugh. whatever. anyway, i needed some sort of break from the monotany for a few minutes. now it's back to reading. =(

man. i'm tired. i just passed out earlier and now i'm awake. but not for long. i'm going to sleep for the nite in a minute. i don't know why i'm so tired. i got enough sleep last nite. granted i didn't get to take a nap today but still. oh well. anyway, i made pat a mixed cd which i will give to him for his birthday. it'll be after the fact cuz his birthday is next week, but still. it's the thought that counts. here is the tracklist on it:

1. New Kids On the Block - Happy Birthday
2. Bill Withers - Lovely Day
3. Incubus - Stellar
4. Gran Torino - Moments With You
5. Jeremy Toback - You Make Me Feel
6. Romantics - What I Like About You
7. The Kinks - You Really Got Me
8. Weezer - Falling For You
9. Savage Garden - I Want You
10. The Beatles - I Want To Hold Your Hand
11. Diesel Boy - Literary Love Song
12. Less Than Jake - You're the One That I Want (cover)
13. Blink 182 - First Date
14. Daft Punk - Digital Love
15. Bob Marley - Is This Love
16. Lenny Kravitz - Heaven Help
17. Incubus - Summer Romance (Anti-Gravity Love Song)
18. Daft Punk - Something About Us
19. MXPX - Here With Me
20. The Drowners - Deflowered
21. Marvin Gaye - Let's Get It On
22. Sin with Sebastian - Shut Up & Sleep With Me
23. The Beatles - Happy Birthday

good cd eh? it's decent i think. has a good theme to it. no particular genre. it'll never be as good at the mixed cd i made for tyler. that shit was the best i could ever do i think. it told the whole story of how i felt about him. from start to end. and it was all punk songs too! which was hard for me cuz i don't know that much punk music. but yes, this cd for pat is decent i think. i wonder what he'll think of it. especially the last couple of tracks. that shut up and sleep with me song i downloaded by accident because i thought i was getting a belle & sebastian song. but nope. and then i thought, ha, what the hell? stick it on! it's a funny song. so yeah. oh! i checked out the counter on my brandon boyd site that i made. it's up to like 4600 hits! not too shabby for a site that's only been up since the beginning of this year. i did a great job promoting it and now i have all these people looking at it. man, that makes me happy that people are seeing my hard work. and liking it too. yay! anyway, i'm super tired. it's time to retire to sleep for good.

my nose is plugged. i can barely breath! i've been on a huge lenny kravitz kick lately. the greatest hits album is fabulous. i love it! everyone should own a copy. hehe or at least have a burned one! anyway, i just finished my LAX rounds for the day. man, i've been there 3 times in 24 hours. insane. i know it like the back of my hand! and that's a terrible thing to admit to. i finally got a hold of tyler and we went out to a pseudo-lunch in manhattan beach. then i took him to LAX. i felt weird picking him up cuz he was saying goodbye to his girlfriend and i felt like i was interrupting a moment. but whatever. it's weird. she lives like 5 houses down from me! and last year apparently she lived just a few doors down from me in troy east. so strange. both of us living so close to each other. never knowing each other. entangled by one boy. only she got much more of out it than me. which is fine. but tyler said that if he dies on the plane, wendi gets $80,000 and i get $2,000 of that. so not bad. haha anyway, we had a nice lunch. i haven't seen tyler sober is ages! it's insane. he's a nice boy. out in the working world. good stuff. when i finally turn 21 next month, we'll go drinking. he pesters me over and over about not being 21 yet. but soon enough! on another boy note. dylan emailed me back. he said he'll be in san diego for a few days but will prolly be back in LA at the end of the week. so we can do something then. that sounds fun. we'll see how this all runs its course. kyla is already pro dylan right now just cuz he used the word "bitchin" to describe me. haha good stuff.

hmm...ok. i don't think i can even proclaim anything more with boys. cuz i'm seriously a mess. a huge mess. so like pat. i wanna give that another shot. but that could take time. rick needs to coach him. meanwhile, andy never returned my call. but u know what? that's ok actually. cuz i realize that he and i wouldn't even go well. he's very socal surfer. and i'm not that at all. so yeah. no worries there. tyler. where the fuck is tyler?? i'm supposed to take him to the airport after we get lunch! sheesh. whatever. he's cool. boy from the past. won't get entangled in emotions of that sort again. that would just be bad jen. bad. but now, one more boy thrown into this smörgåsbord! his name is dylan. he's orange:house's biggest fan. hehe anyway, i met him at a party once really briefly. well, we didn't actually even exchange names. just a few words. but then at our party he came up to me and ky, as i recall, and said how he was such a big fan of our house and such. that made me happy so we captured him on camera and then when i put the fotos on the site, i put a caption that says, "dylan, our biggest fan!" all i know about him is that he's a soph from riverside majoring in philosophy and used to live on the cinema floor last year. sounds cool to me. anyway, so early early this morning. at like 4am, he sends me this email saying how he saw my website and liked it. he said he read my poetry and it inspired him to write a poem for me. that was soooo awesome! no one has ever written me a poem. that made my day right there. anyway, i dunno what's up with this boy, but i think we should go do something. cuz i don't know anything about him! so i offered up that suggestion in a reply email. see what he says. but yeah. wow. a poem. first for me. yay! anyway, the mess of boys gets messier. but hell, this is more fun and interesting than being depressed about boys. so that's good.

i realize that i was being irrational earlier. lashing out at poor pat when he came on AIM. i shouldn't have done that. i feel bad now. i sent him an apology email. i really like him and i want this to work out. it's just hard and frustrating. i hope that he likes me too. i mean, if he doesn't then i guess this doesnt matter. but i should at least try to make this work. not dismiss it so easily. rick agrees. he's very pro pat. =)

i'm angry and sad all at once. i was alright earlier and then all of a sudden i became angry. pat came online and i snapped at him. he just made me so frustrated. i won't be taking him to the airport tomorrow. he got a shuttle ride. whatever. good thing i didn't make any sort of birthday card. cuz i won't be seeing him! fucking hell. whatever. goddamnit. i showered for nothing! i'm not seeing andy. we aren't going to el cholo. why the fuck did i even wake up today? oh yeah, that's right. cuz i thought it'd be a good day. oh sadly mistaken jen. sadly. whatever. i'm just in a bitter mood right now. it'll pass. seeing tyler tomorrow will make me happy. i haven't seen him in so long it'll be nice. after i fight the fucking traffic back from LAX the first time around. fucking hell!

the page is finally done. the orange:house one that is. the photos are up. so everyone can stop hounding me!! it's a boring task of renaming and resizing 87 photos. then uploading them and writing the code. u try doing it!! fucking hell! anyway, andy hasn't called back so i bet i'm not doing anything with him tonight. i like i said, it's all gonna gave in. like a bridge, collapsing under my feet. and i have no life preserver! sad. anyway, maybe i'll go to el cholo with my roommates, sans ky. poop. i miss her around the house. no one to really rant the random boy shit to. oh well. time to shower!

LAX!!! god. i fucking hate LAX but yet i am nice enough to my friends to take them. goodness fucking gracious. one down, two to go. took emily and that wasn't bad actually. cuz there was like zero traffic on the way. coming back there was a little. but it wasn't too bad. tomorrow i'm taking pat and rick. well i think i'm taking pat. i'm sure i'm taking rick. so that's the morning haul. (oh yeah. pat is the freshman boy. might as well just say his name. it's not like anyone that doesn't know me doesn't already know who the hell i'm talking about when they read this!!) then, i'm taking tyler later. goodness gracious. tyler, tyler, tyler. he has crept back into my life recently. is this healthy for me?? dear me. i'm excited to see him tho. we're gonna get lunch and chill til i take him to the airport at 3pm. that should be fun. then on monday i'm doing something i swore i wouldn't do for a long time -- picking up tyler from LAX. the last time i picked up rick i nearly had a hemmorage i was so angry! i swore i wouldn't pick anyone up from LAX for a LOOOOOOONG time. but here i am, picking up tyler. but i feel alright about it cuz i haven't seen him in ages. it'd be like if dan wanted me to pcik him up from the airport when he returns from vienna. i'd gladly do it. so yeah. anyway, tyler. eeesh. as lawrence says, "the thick plottens." indeed it does. with the pat situation. then there's andy from guitar. might be seeing a movie with him tonight or something. he hasn't called me back yet. so who the hell knows. then lunch with tyler. too much stress. hehe i mean, idealy, i wouldn't have to deal with this shit. and i probably won't. cuz really, i think it's all gonna cave under my feet. pat won't like me and neither will andy. and tyler, well that's water under the bridge anyway. he's got girlfriend issues and stuff. so he's not really in the mix, but because i'm meeting with him right in the middle of this boy mess, it's fun to clump him in there. hehe anyway, here's my custom configured mini. it was a hard choice for the color. marroon or blue? i went with blue. i also went with the white roof. i didn't pick lots of extraneous shit either. this is my optimal mini if i were to buy one. not if it was my "dream car."

so i just bought an apple fritter at spudnuts and now i can't eat it all. not even half of it! oh well. the lady only charged me $.60 instead of $.90 cuz i think she made a mistake. whatever. so as i was walking back home eating part of the fritter i was reflecting more on last nite. i came up with some more random thoughts. first of all, he seemed to like not really be into the whole thing. i think it was cuz he was so tired from his midterms. but like, he didn't even change his clothes. and like, that's ok. but he wears this "ugly shirt" as he calls it, for when he has hellish exam days. and like he, he didn't change out of it. he left it on. man is it ugly! i wonder if he showered too. cuz he said he only got like 45 min sleep. i'm thinking no shower. perhaps it was not a wise decision on my part to ask him out after his midterms. i thought it would be more celebratory than anything. but i think in the end it was just a mess! ugh. whatever. on another random note. i saw the uglist car i've seen in awhile. the cadillac escalade ext. soooo ugly. here's a photo of it:

man, isn's that shit UGLY?? it's worse in person! u know what a cute car is that i want? the mini cooper. i like the older versions of it, but they are coming out with a new one and it will be sold in america this time! cuz typically it's only in the UK and some parts of europe, but now they are trying to revamp it and make it have wider appeal. so starting this spring they will be selling the new 2002 mini cooper and mini cooper s at dealers near u! how exciting. i wish i could get one. they are so cute! i don't care if ppl say they look like shoes on wheels. they are cute damnit! see...below are some photos of the new 2002 mini:

later after i take my nap and take emily to the airport (die LAX! die!), i'm gonna configure my "perfect" mini and then put that up here too. a screen shot of it. oh it'll be cute. i love the mini. =)

BREAK!!! ok so fucking hell, no vibes. no sparks. nothing! what the fuck man? like i really like this boy but i can't make any moves if i don't get any signals. ugh!!! this is just ridiculous. we had a fun time and all, but it was so fucking platonic! we went to lacma first for his class thing. then we got thai food. no dishes with peanut sauce!!! ugh. anyway, after that we had to decide what to do next. it was like pulling teeth. he was super tired from his 3 midterms this week so i can't blame him there. but still! we decided to go to santa monica since he had never been. that was a good idea. until we got there and no one was really there cuz it was late thursday nite. not to mention it was cold and windy! we took those strip pictures from the booth at my request. they turned out funky due to me being lame. i shant scan them for the world to see. after that i wanted to go to ditty riece in westwood. he was tired but we went anyway. that was yummy. got a parking spot right away and there was no line! then we went home. rick phoned me while i was driving asking how it was going and telling me things like "touch him more" and "invite him back for tea." neither of these things occured. he had no idea the level of platonicness (i think i made up a word there) going on. i asked if he wanted to come back to my place or just go home. he opted for the latter, most likely because he was tired. so i dropped him off. he thanked me for the nite. thanked? u dont than ppl for dates. u give them a kiss goodnight. but no...the awkwardness of that last moment was shear pain for me. he said "have a good break" which implies he didn't plan to see my before he left saturday. whatever. i asked if he still wanted a ride to the airport with me and rick and he said if the timing works out with him and rick's flights that would be nice. so i dunno. maybe i'll give him a ride. maybe not. his birthday is next monday and i was gonna like make him a card or a mixed cd or something that takes a bit of effort, but now i say fuck it. rick agrees. he said he's gonna talk to this boy. see what the deal is. is he just shy? does he have no moves? maybe he doesn't like me? whatever. i'm just so frustrated by all of this! ugh! i could go on for much longer about this but it would probably be circular talking so what's the point anyway??

today is the MAKE or BREAK day with the freshman boy. at least that's what i'm saying as of now. if nothing happens today, ie. no sparks and whatnot, then i might have to just move on. spring break will be a nice interference for me to do that. rick will be super upset tho cuz he likes the idea of me being with this boy. but yeah. whatever. we'll see. and i might have to scratch the indian food idea since i can't seem to pick a place i like. so maybe thai?? gotta love the peanut sauce and thai tea! ok, off to the dermie...

so i'm looking for a good indian restaurant. this is an ongoing search. ever since i came back from the UK last year i have been searching for a good tasting, affoardable indian restaurant. it's hard when most people here don't eat indian food and don't have any recommendations. so alas i continue my search online. perhaps i will go to one tomorrow with the freshman guy after we go to LACMA. provided he likes indian food or is willing to try it. anyway, so i got back from class tonight. the class i fucking hate cuz my teacher is so fucking mean. his name is scott and he used to be a criminal lawyer before he entered the entertainment business and is now an agent with his own company. he's quite successful and has some cool stories to tell, but he can be sooooo mean and abrasive. it's awful sometimes. anyway, apparently 3 students in the class went and complained to our advisor in the business school about scott's temperament in class. see, i'm in this joint program thing btwn the business school and the cinema school. the guy in charge of our program is in the cinema school but we do most of our studies in the business school. anyway, some people complained to kazi in the business school and then the guy in charge of our program, larry, came in to our class tonight to speak about this "issue." it was bad i thought cuz no one was gonna admit to it in front of scott! anyway, scott was all nice and shit tonight. fucking hell! whatever. i'm glad i have a week off from that class. woo!

in the words of my friend, dominic henning, "eat my shit!!!" that's right, i'm done with the fucking essays. fuck david geffen. now i gotta get my ass off to class and turn that shit in. i just took a quickie nap and i'm still tired. oh well. i'll stick the photos up from the party tonight i think. first i gotta do some other reading for class and make some props for my marketing class but i think i'll have time to get the photos up. everyone is biting my ear off about it so i guess i should huh?

wow. i was super hungry just now. but then i ate lunch and i'm semi-rejuvenated to continue with this fucking geffen paper. god, i cannot wait til i don't have to think about david geffen anymore! and my marketing class was SOOOO boring today. probably one of the most boring marketing lectures to date. sad. i really like that class. but today man. oh boy. REALLY boring! but good ole lenny soothes the soul. lenny kravitz that is. i've got his greatest hits album on right now. so good. so good. =)

well, well, well. i'm in the computer lab in BRI and i just completed this LONG ASS market research thing for my class. i swear if i ever fill out another survey it'll be too soon! i think i filled out like 50 pages worth of surveys. good god! oh well. it's over. and now i gotta finish up my geffen paper due at 6pm. eeesh. i'm like almost half done. ugh! i swear it'd just be easier to make it a longer paper cuz i'm having trouble truncating geffen's life into 5 pgs double-spaced. that fucker just has too much to write about! anyway, i'm excited about spring break cuz that means some semblence of relaxation. mind u have a lot of catch up work to do, but basically it's a chill week. it'll mostly just be me and michael at home since ky's off to DC and rick is going home. lo is going home for part of the week. so it'll be relatively quiet around orange:house.

tomorrow i'm going to LACMA with the freshman boy i mentioned below. then something after that. who knows what. i hope it's fun though! he has no idea what to do but i'll think of something. i hope...friday i'm going to classes and then later that nite, taking emily to the airport. then saturday i think i'm taking said freshman and rick to the airport. fun fun. i heart LAX!!! *gag me right NOW*

one down, one to go! goodness gracious. i totally didn't think my paper on james tweedy [head of marketing at vagrant records] would be so long. i wrote 7 double-spaced pages on him! pretty impressive. i think i did a an admirable job in talking about him. he's a cool guy. he's only 24! i felt so comfortable talking to him cuz in some respects we are peers. granted he's working in a job i'd like to be doing, but in terms of age, we aren't far off. i could just as soon be dating the guy! hehe anyway, like any good business student, i sent off a "thank you" card last week. only it wasn't a card. cuz see, i was sitting in finance class, nearly falling asleep when i realized, shit i gotta send james a thank you card. but then i got the idea that i'd make it. that way it'd be cooler. but *then* i got an even cooler idea. i'll send him a cd case and make an insert in the front that says thank you and put the vagrant logo. then on the back i'll list all 17 artists on their label. inside, i'll take a clear cd (like the ones that come at the bottom of a spindle of 50 cd-r's....the clear cd that keep the bottom one from scratching against the container) and write on it as if it were the card. so that's what i did. i thought it was a novel idea. something different. then today (well technically yesterday) i emailed him cuz i had one last question before i wrote my paper. he thanked me for the "card" and said it was a really cool idea. he said he would totally hook me up with an internship this summer. i'm stoked about that! but anyway, now back to my second paper. this one is on geffen. yuck! it only has to be 5 pages. here i go! oh but first some parting, palindromic words: "go hang a salami. i'm a lasagna hog."

DONE!!! eat that! i finished that fucker of a book. thank god! now i have to write two papers. lovely. at least the damned book is done. man, geffen was a real ass. he was nice a couple times in his life helping his friends in need and whatnot. but basically he was a real ass. one of his greatest mentors was being honored and geffen spoke on stage about him. but right after he was done he didn't even stick around for the rest of the ceremony! he just got up and left. completely ungrateful. how sad...

anyway, din din time. woohoo! i'm starving. eat dinner. then work on papers. then, and only then, will i stick the photos up from the last orange:house party. so i don't want people hounding me about it anymore!!! anyway, i think that this blog thing is pretty neat. i dig it. i like sticking photos on it when i can. i think i'll try to do that more often. there are some other photos i feel like displaying. from photographers i like and such. but no time for that. it's time to eat! =)

shame on me. i skipped finance class. my rationale was to get more sleep cuz i will be up late tonight writing my paper on david geffen. ugh! i didn't have 302 class today so i got to sleep in from that too. i am currently looking up some last minute shit for my cinema class presentation on spike jonze and david fincher -- two film directors who started out making music videos and commercials. i'm comparing how they direct music videos to films. but my teacher also wanted more business stuff so i started looking up some budget figures and whatnot. didn't get too far with the music video side of it all since that info isn't readily available. along the way i ran into info on one of my favorite music videos of all time -- "fake plastic trees" by radiohead. the color in that video is utterly amazing in my opinion. that's why i love it so much. plus i love the song too. if you don't know what i'm talking about, check this shit out. good stuff right there. and if you're too lazy to actually click the link, here are some photo clips from the video. now if that color doesn't strike ya, i don't know what will!

could anything be more soothing to me right now than "tiny dancer" by elton john? man he's great. i'm listening to the almost famous soundtrack. damn good soundtrack. damn good movie. one of my all-time faves. one of 3 dvd's i own. that movie never gets old to me. i love it so much. =) i'm debating whether to continue reading the rest of the geffen book right now or move onto some other homework. i don't have my 8am BUAD 302 class tomorrow so i get to sleep in 2 more hours. yay! that's a relief. perhaps a break from geffen would be good. less than 100 pages to go. i can easily finish that tomorrow and then write my paper. perhaps that is the way to go. oh man i love this song. if you haven't heard "tiny dancer" then u better fucking download it now. cuz it's an awesome song. case closed.

hmm...interesting. nearing just 100 pages left in the geffen book! i just read an interesting thing...well, interesting to me! in my marketing class my prof mentioned how calvin klein doesn't manufacture their products and merely lets others make the products and pay a licensing fee for the CK logo. i never knew that til i took this class. but i'm reading about this very same thing in the geffen book. cuz geffen is a good friend of calvin klein and back 1991, CK was nearly going bankrupt. geffen wanted to help klein so he looked at CK's books only to find that they basically sucked at making their products. geffen advised that their turn their company into one that comes up with the designs and does the marketing. geffen helped turn the company around by purchasing $62 mil worth of junk-bond debt. [oooh, a finance term! man this is bringing together all the classes!!] so yeah, essentially geffen was the driving force in keeping CK alive. interesting. he is also the one who spotted mark wahlberg and thought to hire him for the ad campaign. good job geffen! maybe he's not the root of all evil after all...

well, apparently i wasn't logged in or my login timed out! fucking hell! gotta redo this entry. poo. ok so i took a nap and just ate dinner and am about to read more about geffen. but i thought i'd share some quotes from the book that really explain that evil that is david geffen:

the operator by tom king [pg 375]
"what brickman did not realize at the time was that geffen was simply molding risky business in his own image. geffen the millionaire had been a pure capitalist for more of his life, and for him capitalism was about winning. with the new ending, risky business became a mirror of geffen's own story: if you maneuver enough, you can get away with anything, and winning is easy. it does not matter if you tell the truth, cheat on a test, or step on people on your way to the top. it only matters if you win."
[this is in reference to the fact that geffen was working with brickman, the director of risky business and brickman didn't want to change the ending of the film to have tom cruise's character get into princeton cuz he needed to be punished. but geffen wanted him to get in and be a winner.]

[pg. 385]
"in pulling off the deal, he [geffen] showed himself to be a shrewd, remarkably focused strategist. he had an uncanny ability to understand people, recognize their weaknesses, and capitalize on them."

see that shit?? geffen is horrible! to make sure a deal went through he purposely picked a fight with mo ostin and his wife.

"i'm going to pick a fight with mo so that i can refuse to speak with him." -- geffen
"i'm going to take evelyn [ostin's wife] to lunch and say something really shitty to her." -- geffen

pure evil!!! altho, i will add that there is one good quote in here so far from geffen's mother on her deathbed. she had been suffering from strokes and the last one had affected her ability to speak and move her right hand. but she was determined to regain full abilities and she did. geffen asked her what she attributed to this miracle and she replied, "i have no envy. i have no jealousy. and i have no hate." i think that is a great. something uplifting and positive. geffen should listen to his own mother!

well. it's done. i officially dropped my guitar class. i feel like such a quitter cuz i am! but realistically, i don't have the time or energy to practice. being a business major takes too much effort as it is. i *hope* to practice the guitar in the summer when i basically have nothing to do. but one never knows. so yeah. the deed is done. and about 1/2 an hour after i dropped it, who should come up from behind me and tap me on the shoulder, but andy himself. he called me a quitter and whatnot. said jeremy, who's also in the class, would be just as disappointed as well. sad...

on another note, i am a little over halfway through the fucking geffen book. its interesting in some respects altho i just really don't want to read it. ppl are also nagging me to get the photos from our last party up on the web. i swear i'll do it asap. i just have to get through more of this book first! so maybe i should stop with this entry for now huh?

whoa nelly! mr. pinky has served me well just now. u know, when urges strike u gotta just run with it!
anyway, still awake and reading the geffen book. and no i'm not lame...this book is 600 pages! it's gonna take awhile to finish! unfortunately my paper on it is due on wednesday. so it's serious crunch time with the reading. currently listening to this mix of trance, dance, and chillout music on my computer. good to read to cuz there are few to no words to distract me. some personal faves of the bunch would be:

chemical brothers - star guitar
groove armada - at the river
lo fidelity allstars - battleflag
moby - porcelain
modjo - lady
paul oakenfold - el nino
roger sanchez - another chance
spiller & groovejet - why does it feel so good?
us3 - cantaloop

so go ahead and download all of those songs NOW! =)

oh yeah, i just found out i'm 51% addicted to AIM. how about you?

omg warren beatty was hot in his hayday. they mention him in this geffen book a few times since he and geffen were friends and so i decided to look him up cuz i knew he was hot. indeed he was. check this shit out! he was quite the looker. indeed. anyway, i feel as though my blog probably is way more stream of consciousness than most people's. and i probably update it way more than most people. but hell, that makes life interesting. right? ok, now here are a few photos of warren i'd like to share with the world. one he looks hot in. one he looks like an artsy caveman. and one he just looks weird. sweatsuit and clarinet?

i fucking hate it when your computer freezes!! ugh! i wrote some shit and now i gotta redo it. anyway, so my daily rantings are gonna come out in this blog and i'm gonna start right now with some random shit. oh btw, i swear a lot too. bad jen. bad.

so i just ate dinner and it was yummy. it's this dish that jason taught me to make while we were studying in the UK. here are the ingredients:
1 chopped tomato
1 eggs
onions
some ground turkey
sugar
hot sauce
served w/a side of rice. lovely indeed.

anyway, so now that i'm done with dinner i gotta read my geffen book. poo...at least it takes my mind off the more interesting, yet complicated issues in my life -- boys! always confusing. i mean, it was only like three weeks ago that i was fretting over one boy, ryan, only to find that even tho he likes me and is attracted to me, he doesn't like me enough to date me. i'm apparently, not nerdy enough. but anyway, i'm over that. cuz then i went to this party and met this boy who's a freshman. (his name shall remain anonymous until we either start dating or the whole thing is over with.) at first i didn't really think much of it all cuz he's 2 years younger than me. and the idea of younger boys has always bothered me. but then i got to talking to him, and he's really cool. he can do the rubick's cube in 1min 30 sec and part of that is behind his back! that really got me. i thought that was super cool even if it is nerdy. hey, what can i say? i go for nerds! if u knew about my hardcore crush from last year, you'd see the track record. anyway, so this freshman boy...i am not 100% sure what he thinks of me cuz he seems shy. and i'm shy too. altho i'm somewhat proactive about boys. but not totally. anyway, so this is yet to be determined what's going on here. meanwhile, i think i'm getting vibes from a boy in my guitar class, andy. but whatever. i'm dropping the class.

one more topic to discuss. our party from friday nite. man was that stellar. DJ andy and his crew came and spun for free for us. we heart andy. =) he's a winner! shitloads of ppl showed up. some of which i wanted to avoid like the plague. some guys are just too touchy feely. this one cute boy from santa cruz kept catching my eye and i smiled at him a few times. i then thought back to this article i read in the LA times that said that men think that when women smile it's more than just a passing gesture. they think the girl is interested. so then i thought, uh oh. no good. but he introed himself to me. we spoke for like a minute before i went and did something and then he wasn't there. but it didn't matter. i just thought i could get his # so i could stick it on our #s board. cuz the girls hardly have any boys #s up there yet the boys have shitloads. and these are girls they don't even call back! so i thought, hell, same thing. i won't be calling back this guy but i could at least get his #. but whatever. he was gone. no biggie. but yes. the party kicked ass. DPS came but no cops this time. we had fun. our frat boy neighbors commended us for the large turnout we had. and at that moment, ky didn't hate them! haha ok enough rambling. time to read...

wow. my very first post on my very own blog. i've always seen people with blogs but i've never made one myself. it's sorta cool. i'm gonna have to tinker with the colors and background and all that jazz. but i don't have time right now cuz i have to read this david geffen book that doesn't interest me in the slightest. he's the slimiest bastard i've ever heard about i swear. one reason i don't wanna be in the film business. i'd hate to work with people like him. he's just awful!
so why the name *lip*gloss*fantasy* you might ask? well, the other day i was in the shower and i thought of the 3 words "lip balm fantasy." in that order. and i thought, wow, i'd like to have that as the name of a band if i was in one right now. of course i'm not in a band. i can't even get through fuckin guitar class. i'm officially taking a fat W in that class as of tomorrow. i feel like such a quitter but honestly, i don't have the time to practice the stuff. so yeah. W for me. sad. but i digress...as i often do. so yeah, last nite i was chatting with rick and ky and they said they preferred the name "lip gloss fantasy." i thought about it, and really that sounds better. sounds sexier. if lip gloss can be deemed sexy in the first place. so yeah. here it is. my blog. i'm sure i'll rant and rave on this damned thing. i can't decide how much to reveal on it cuz i can't decide how public it will be. the more public it is, the less personal it is. or rather, the more ambiguous. less real names used and such. anyway, more tinkering to do with this thing. but here is the first official post!