yet another quiz i found. what fruit flavor am i? i'm cherry it said. cherry is good. i want to be strawberry. i wonder if that is even an option. find out what flavor you are.

trying not to procrastinate but i can't help it!! i just had some coffee to try to get me wired. and i took an online quiz to see what rock chick i am. apparently i'm qwen stefani. by the description i'm "fun-loveing, colourful, and energetic." i think that's pretty true for the most part. take the quiz and see what you are!

thank fucking god mosquitoes are slow! there was one flying around my room all day and i finally killed it. woohoo! i hate mosquitoes. i don't want bug bites. yucky. i finished that damned book and now i am going to write my paper. and then study finance. yuck. i hate school. it's almost over. thank fucking god!

i found the other half to my fave pair of socks!!!! i was washing my sheets today and i washed even the duvet cover. and i always suspected the sock might have been inside the cover when i washed it awhile back. and i finally found it today. cuz i couldn't find one of the pillow cases!! turns out both the pillow case AND sock were inside the duver cover. so yay!! my favorite pair of socks is not lost after all. they are red argyle patterned socks that are really soft and i love them! =) yay. ok back to making the bed. i HATE making the bed cuz mine is in the corner so it's always hard to get that last corner. how ppl do it so well, i'll never know.

ok so i just took thespark.com's gay test and i'm 26% gay. this is less gay than the typical straight female who is on average, 32% gay. go figure! i also took uk channel 4's gay test and it said i was 43% gay which is right around the middle and means i am "a happy and well adjusted hetero babe!" so anyway, conflicting reports are in on my gayness. haha whatever.

so i went to my starbucks interview with ky. i bet i didn't get the job. who knows if she did. i don't want the job tho. i don't want to open the store at like 4am!! or close it at like 1am. no fucking way! so i hope they don't want to hire me. cuz i don't want to work there. i went to the bookstore sale today and bought a zip up sweater. it's cute. on the way i saw jeremy! i have seen that boy around a lot lately. goodness fucking gracious. he's cute. he asked me how finance was cuz i complained about it before. but i told him i haven't taken the final yet. he said he's taking that class this summer. so that means he'll be around. i want to like do something with him to get to know him since i really don't know him at all! he seems somewhat smart actually cuz he was talking to me about the accounting final he just took and he said he thinks he did well and that in the last accounting class he got an A-. i got a B+ in that one. so hell, he must be somewhat smart! anyway, whatever. he's cute. i see him more than i see andy. ky's like "it's a sign." bollocks to that. nothing is ever a sign for me! haha but rick said i can't complain about men anymore for awhile cuz i am on a roll. so i shant complain. but i will complain about finals. thank god it's almost over!!!

so he was wearing boxers but they weren't green! haha dylan came over last nite around like 7 something which was earlier than i anticipated. hence the reason he scared the shit out of me when he woke me up in my room. i was not expecting his face to be there at all! anyway, so we waited for lawrence to finish watching the hockey game. then we went upstairs and watched almost famous. SUCH a good movie! as we were watching it i was thinking that there was no way me and dylan were hooking up cuz it just didn't feel right. i didn't feel it happening. but then once we finished watching the movie we went to my room and talked about random stuff. some of which was sexual advice. i shant go into details. and we even talked about me and the guitar boys! by the sounds of that, it didn't seem like we were hook up, yet at the same time, i was noticing typical dylan moves as well. so i wasn't sure. but in the end it happened and it was fun. and now i have a shitload of work to do. interview with starbucks at 2pm. then i'll prolly read on campus after i check out the bookstore sale. oh man, it's a late nite tonight!

well well well. the bookstore scammed us! me and ky went there today for training and apparently they wanted us to start working NOW. because they want us to work for the big fucking sale tomorrow. but no guarantees for summer work. good possibility, it no guarantees. bullshit. after i already turned down starbucks man this morning! ugh. so then i had to go back and tell the starbucks guy i'd still like to interview tomorrow. he might not hire me tho now. fuck! and i went to sell back my marketing book. of course they are coming out with a new edition! do u know how many business books i own now that i could never sell back because of that? let's see. i have statistics. cost accounting. now marketing and when i try to sell back the finance one, i bet they won't take that one either! fucking hell. not to mention a whole slew of random books that i could never sell back over the years. but the business ones piss me off the most! ugh. whatever. oh and i had this weird dream this morning that like i was in bed with dylan and then michael comes into the room talking to me about his interview and how well it went. but it wasn't really my room. it was a different room. and dylan was wearing bright green boxers like the color of his car! weird. and i just ordered a wagamama shirt. i love wagamama. it's this neat restaurant chain in england. noodle place. great. just great. =)

holy crappola! when u do a search for "brandon boyd" on google, you get my lovely brandon site listed as #4!!! it used to not even be on the top few pages of google. then it was on the second page between as like #14 or something. now it's #4!!! nice. that's probably why it has over 10,600 hits on the counter and why over 350 people have signed up to get updates via email. wow. it makes me happy! ppl are seeing my work. nice. anyway, i was upstairs rummaging through the cabinets when i realized that neither me nor ky ever used the body frosting shit that she bought. she got it before either of us had anyone to use it on. then she got brandon and i got dylan and we stupidly forgot to use it! sad. it just never dawns on me. but it could be so much fun! i want to use that shit. or just chocolate syrup in general. that would be fun i think. messy but fun. hehe do boys like that shit? cuz i'm down it. chocolate is such an aphrodisiac. i love chocolate. oh yes, indeed. =)

i was writing in my journal about how i saw jeremy today and then something sorta interesting dawned on me. he was the first boy i wanted to pursue this semester. on the VERY first day of class -- literally, the monday classes started -- i saw jeremy in my guitar class and was like "oh he'll be one to pursue. he's cute." all semester, nothing. just an awkward love triangle. and then on the VERY last day of classes -- literally, the friday classes ended -- there i am engaging in a quasi-threesome with jeremy and andy. i thought that was funny. the first and last days. weird. ok enough mental procrastination. back to work.

oh dear god. i feel like the life has been sucked out of me today. finance is just horrible. i mean just HORRIBLE! i went to the review. it was intense. i have SOOO much studying to do. =( i ran into jeremy after the review though. he was skating shirtless without andy! oh jeremy. =) we stopped and sorta shouted out to each other. i thought about going over to talk to him more but i didn't. oh he's cute. rick asked me today which i would do if i had the chance: hook up with both jeremy and andy, or just jeremy. i really wasn't sure. cuz it would be fun to be with both of them again because i would like to get better at the whole threesome thing and it would be a fun experience. but really, andy would only be there to make it a threesome. cuz really, i want to hook up with jeremy. but i have no idea if any of this is ever possible again. i might have gotten my one and only shot. =( oh well. whatever. the summer is approaching. perhaps there will be prospects at my internships. or my job. yes, me and ky are working at the bookstore on campus. holy crap i will be busy this summer. i will have 2 internships and a job! if i get it the way i want it, 44 hours of work a week. that's including 4 hours at the bookstore on saturday. and the only paid thing is the job. the rest is slave labor. i really hope i don't burn out! but i really want these internships. that's the thing. cuz i like vagrant and universal could be a real job opportunity in the future. so yeah. anyway, after thursday i'm free of schoolwork. then i begin working that book store. tomorrow me and ky are going in for training. next wednesday a whole shitload of us are going to disneyland! that's gonna be sweet. =) so happy. tomorrow i'm watching almost famous with dylan. good times. i LOVE that movie.

hang in there jen. just hang in there...i have soooo much studying to do for finance. i'm going to one of those advertised paid reviews. it better work! i also have a paper to write by wednesday. ugh. =( and i have to deal with my car shit. i have to fucking call insurance and get the police to write up a report again! ugh. fucking hell. why??? can't i just sleep? oh, i remembered something that andy said that i thought that cheesily funny the other threesome nite. oh yeah, dylan told me that he just made out with two chicks at the party last nite. no hooking up. sheesh! always trying to top me in some way. haha still doesn't really help but maybe. whatever. perhaps i can trick my mind into making it help. anyway, andy. so i was like sitting on the floor and jeremy asks me what color my underwear are. cuz i think he can sorta see them or something. i'm not sure. anyway, then for some reason i turn to andy who then shows off his boxers and says "i'm wearing packages. wanna unwrap me?" i thought that was really funny in that cute and cheesy way. i even wrote it down at the time so i wouldn't forget. but then i threw away that paper! but i just remembered now and thought i'd share that ya'll.

umm ok. dylan just messaged me. that means he didn't hook up. or else it was super fast! poo. i sorta wanted him to. just to get that over with. see him hook up and deal with it. but no! sheesh dylan. foiling my plans. haha whatever. i'll just deal with it some other nite i suppose.

so i just got back from the swimmer's party way later than i thought i would. i thought i would be there for like 15 min. but no. we stayed for so long. i talked to graig and jacinto for a long time. jacinto seems cool. he's cute. =) oh, and i found out that robert from ralphs is "ambiguous." neither gay nor straight. but u know what that means? he's gay! i mean what straight man proclaims ambiguity? ...exactly. whatever. he's still cute to look at. =) anyway, so dylan is probably hooking up with some chick from the party right now. i'm not gonna pretend that it doesn't bother me slightly, but it doesn't bother me that much. it was gonna happen sooner or later and i'm really glad that it happened sooner rather than later. gotta get that shit over with. see, i figure. he hooks up tonight. i'll ask him about it. know for sure. then deal with it for the day and it'll be cool. but hell, in all fairness, i fucking hooked up with two guys last nite. so i mean really. how can i say anything? i can't! hehe but u know, the little pangs of pain just from seeing someone u care about with someone else. i suppose it's different to hear about it rather than see it. but whatever. anyway, so i met dylan's friends from home. andrew and ashley i believe their names were. andrew and i were talking casually at first and he asks me "so how do u know dylan?" and i'm thinking that he fully knows who i am and is just probing me to make me admit to how i know dylan. but then he's like "u know. like from school or what?" and i said, yes. then we were discussing age and how 20 is the worst. so like, i said i was 21 and that i felt 20 was the worst age. he looks at me and then makes some face and then i ask "what?" and he's like "oh nothing." but then i realized that he realized who i was. so then i pressed him about this and he's like "are you jen?" and i'm like, "yes i am. and u know the whole story don't u?" and he's like "yeah." then he starts sizing me up. of course i look shitty cuz i totally didn't care about going out. i didn't do anything to my hair and was wearing a sweater. haha but whatever. it was funny that he realized who i was by my age. so then in the sort of awkward moment of realization, jacinto was right there. so i asked if he knew the story too, and he said he sorta did. so there i was. all eyes on jen for that moment as these boys knew about me and dylan. dylan later told me that andrew doesn't know the whole story. so perhaps he doesnt know about the sex. who knows. whatever. no shame. just an awkward moment. anyway, time to sleep deal with life -- finance review tomorrow and writing that fucking paper after i read the fucking book. also wondering if the guitar boys will call me back since i foned them both tonight to leave messages concerning last nite and my constant utterings of how weird it was. let's see if they return my call and if they will ever come around again. =P

whoa. ok. last nite. insanity. i won't even begin to get into the details of it all cuz that would just be crazy. but here goes *my* shortened version. ok so me and ky go to ralphs to see robert. my intent was to ask him to come with us partying. so we go to his line. i'm nervous. he has newly dyed red tips in his hair. he says to me "hey we match." i smile and agree. then i ask if he's busy tonight after work. he says he's going to party at alicia's. i told him we were going out partying around here and he says he'll prolly see us there. and he was right! anyway, so me and ky come home. round up the big ass crew of ppl and start out partying. we run into tim and his crew, including "blink chris" who i haven't seen in ages! so we all mesh into one huge crew and go over to the cinema house who is having "prom under the sea." it was cute cuz ppl were dressed in tuxes and whatnot. but alas it *is* the cinema house. so we weren't there long. then we mosey on over to providence. shitloads of ppl ended up there. that was cool. robert came after he got off work. and we are all convinced he might be gay or is questioning his sexuality. but he was really cute. it was a humanizing experience to see him outside of ralphs. cuz like at ralphs he seems to have an air of authority. but at the party he was just some kid who's cute at a party. drinking and having fun. he looked shorter. haha we learned that he goes to SMC. he's from san gabriel valley where he grew up the son of a single parent. "typical LA story" as he said. he has 2 eyebrow scars. his last name is ponce. he wants to be an anchor on tv. how cute. =) he has the animate face for it. he has a weird tongue piercing in that he doesn't have a barbell. he used to have the barbell in the middle but he took it out. now he has a weird sort of ring that goes around the tip of his tongue. intriguing. that's an alternative that i could pursue. anyway, so that's robert. next time we are having a party, we are so inviting him there. cuz we have a rapport with dear robert. going to his line at ralphs will never be the same again! haha ok so that's that. umm i was really drunk at one point and i tried to call walter but instead i called my friend victor and that was a huge mess. oops. i don't think he knew who i was tho. i could barely focus tho. dylan called me at one point and he came to the party but left not too long after. so i was like "well, not hooking up with dylan!" i ran into dan's ex-whatever, julia. we have met once before but she said to me "do u know dan?" i said yes. she's like "yeah i've seen pictures of you. dan always says 'yeah jen. i love her.' i'm so jealous." i was standing there thinking, "well he may love me,but he doesn't *love* me AND he's not fucking me." haha anyway, i met all these random ppl who saw me from the orange:house site. that was weird. cool, but weird. i called up andy at one point to begin the process of me meeting him somewhere or something to hook up. i was so drunk that it was a bit difficult. but after a bit, me and ky and stupid dave left providence and went to regal trojan. but no DA or walter. so then we went home. then i had like all these messages from andy AND jeremy. so i called andy back and he said they would come over soon. "they"?? how was that going to work? i thought i was gonna be making out with andy. sure enough, they both came like 10 min later. gatorade bottles in hand. and this is where the story gets good.

so they came in and went straight to my room and played with my guitar. after all, they *are* the guitar boys! that was fun. but then it got all weird. all these overt suggestions of me making out with andy and/or jeremy. cuz we all know that i like jeremy and that andy likes me. so there was all this awkward sexual tension btwn us. one laying here. one laying there. me being thrown around. just crazy insanity. finally andy shut the door and turned the lights off and the music on. then it got weird. first it was sorta like they were taking turns but then we were all on the bed. it didn't get too weird. it was only like a quasi-threesome. nothing hardcore. cuz nothing more than tops came off. apparently these boys shave their chest hair cuz girls like it that way. weirdness. but i was just so weird about it all cuz i've never done this before. and i don't know how it works. plus i'm the one girl trying to please two boys essentially. but the weirdest part is like doing one thing with one and another thing with another. at the same time. it's just weird. jeremy seemed more into the touching and stuff and andy more the kissing. but that's also cuz jeremy proclaimed a no kissing policy. he broke it though but still. anyway, jeremy left around 5 something and then me and andy went at it. fell asleep/passed out. then around like 6:45 or something, when the sun was rising and the birds were chirping, we woke up and he left. so it was just some random craziness. and i have no idea if that will happen again. i'd like it to, but who knows. i'd like to do it again only cuz i want to be better at it. not that this is something i'd do all the time. so being "better" is sorta useless. but whatever. it would be fun. i think i could totally get into it now that i have a better grasp of it all. last nite it was just weirdness due to shock and confusion. but hey, all these firsts for me. this week a quasi-threesome. last week sex. what will be next. goodness gracious! i swear it's all due to dylan. so thank god for him coming into my life. =) i retook the slut test and purity one. i used to be 29% slut and am now 35%. shot up 6% just due to the past two weeks. i used to be 64% pure and now i am 63%. so that didn't really change.

drunk. robert was at the party. we think he's gay. sad =( i might be tag teaming it tonight. whatever that means.

i was just in a fucking car accident again!

have you ever seen someone wearing an insulated pizza bag on their arms? well i have! i got back from the pop disaster tour less than an hour ago. i went with emily. it was at the coors amphitheatre in chula vista which is near san diego. so yes, over 250 miles roundtrip of driving. NOT fun! i'm super tired right now. i was actually supposed to call andy when i got home so we could essentially makeout. but it was nearly 3am and i am too tired and he's prolly asleep. so whatever. anyway, the concert was good. despite the fact that we got there late and missed all but two songs from jimmy eat world's set! =( the traffic sucked balls and so we got there late. we didn't get to eat before we got there too so we were starving. we got our bracelets and proceeded to the pit area where we saw the JEW play the last two songs. the last of which was "in the middle." there were LOTS of young ppl there. kids starting at age 10 or so. there were some hot guys there. two we gave names to. pizza boy and bloody hacky sac boy. pizza boy was cute in my opinion. i think he might have been with this one girl. whatever. he was cute. but he was wearing a pizza bag on his arms. seriously! but i think it was cuz he didn't have a wristband so he was hiding that. he was cute tho. really skinny. lip ring. alternative style. round table pizza hat. haha i must have looked at him a zillion times. but he looked back at me sometimes too. so i didn't feel so bad about my near staring. emily didn't think he was cute but she understood why i did. then there was bloody hacky sac boy. basically he was with his friend and they were goofing off around us in btwn green day and blink's sets. hacky sac boy had this white shirt on with an undershirt but he had blood on his back. i think he was moshing and someone's nose blead on his shirt or something. anyway, he was around us. and he had this bag of popcorn which he and his friend were playing hacky sac with. then some girls tried to join them cuz i think they thought he was cute. cuz he was. emily thought so too. he then hit me in the head with the bag of popcorn but it didn't hurt so it was ok. but he came over and sorta hugged me and sad he was sorry. i should have said, "well can u make it up to me with a kiss?" haha something lame like that which a boy would say. anyway, during that in btwn time, i called andy to get him to bring my guitar book back tonight since friday is just not the best timing. he wasn't there but he left a message. and when i left the concert i called him back. but like i said, i'm so tired now it ain't happening. green day's set was good. they aren't as popular as they used to be. billie joe or whatever his name is, is still cute. i dug his tie. they got audience members to come up and play their instruments. that was rad. blink's set was good too. the best part was when they had travis on his drums on this platform which then lifted into the air, came closer to the audience, and spun around. meanwhile travis was strapped to his chair and his equipment was bolted to the platform so he could play while it spun all the way around, forwards and backwards. that was so cool i thought. anyway, the experience was good. the venue is large but if u are on the floor it's cool. and it's outdoors so it doesn't get super hot. in fact it was a little cold. the parking sitch is a bitch. it's free but u just park out on the grass outside which is what it's designated for. however it took like at least 30 min to exit the fucking lot!! ugh. whatever. ok i'm super tired. time to sleep.

jimmy eat world, green day, and blink-182 tonight at the coors amphitheatre! going with emily. we gotta leave at like 4pm to get our asses down there in time. i don't want to miss ANY of the opening acts. i want to see them all! oh shit. there is potential to spend a lot of money merch there. cuz i like all 3 bands. fuck! oh well. whatever. anyway, i'm super tired. 8am class does that to ya. i got a B+ in the class. it was a pleasure having cerling as my teacher again tho. and B+ is fine with me. i don't really care that much. i'm so whatever about grades provided they are B+ or higher. i'm such the B+/A - student. but i think more often than not i get shafted and get the B+. whatever. it's ok. i know i'll get no less than B+'s in the rest of my classes EXCEPT, and this is a BIG except, finance. i fucking HATE that class. we did evals today and i wrote at the bottom how much i hate that class. not the professor but the class. cuz it's true. he's not that bad of a prof. it's just the material. i hate it so much. anyway, this weekend is partying and cracking the fucking finance books. yuck! ok nap time. =)

why do i do this to myself?? sheesh! i am so silly. it's nearly 4am and i'm still awake cuz i wanted to make this ad for my marketing class. it's for the case study we have due on friday about the VW beetle. my TA said that we could do a write-up instead which consisted of making a print ad for the new beetle incorporating our ideas about who the target audience should be, price, dealership, etc. then do a 1/2 page thing just explaining the ad which should explain itself. anyway, so i spent prolly way to long on this shit but i find it fun. i just made my ad. it's not super great cuz i don't have much to work with. plus i write shitty ad copy. but whatever. here is the ad. i'll do the 1/2 thing later.

oh yeah. totally unrelated. the fucking USC server has decided that they will stick this UGLY ASS DISCLAIMER at the bottom of EVERY fucking webpage on the server:
USC does not control the content herein and takes no responsibility for any inaccurate, offensive, indecent or objectionable content, which is the sole responsibility of the individual student author.
so guess what that means? all my webpages that i made with frames have this shit in EVERY frame and it's hideously disgusting looking. so i followed in row mike's tracks and decided to hell with the USC server. i'm buying my own damn webspace. so i purchased webhosting from data packet networks for a limited time offer of just $10/year. that's super fucking cheap. and then i had to get a domain name registered as well. i did that for $8.95/year from go daddy. my domain name will be www.lipglossfantasy.com. it was hard to think of anything different so i thought, well that sounds good to me. i like it. fuck. i'll just do that! so that is what my personal site will be and everything else will spawn from it in subdirectories. i just have to wait like 2 days for it to get set up. i can't fucking wait!! =) ok sleepy time. only 3 hours til i have to wake up. =(

ugh! i got all worked up to ask robert out. asked all my friends what would be best to say, only to go there at like 11:35 with kyla and have him NOT be there. =( he prolly got off work early, took his break at the end of his shift, or was in the back. in any case, he wasn't there. now i dunno what to do. i could go tomorrow before like 4pm when i'm supposed to leave for san diego with emily for the concert. or i could go friday night. either before rick's movie screening, or after while i'm drunk and ask him to party with me. or go out the next day. ugh, i dunno what to do! maybe it wasn't meant to be. no trophy for me. =(

dashboard confessional is opening for weezer in july/august according to the weezer site. oh dear. first KROQ. then MTV. now this. the commercialism is already beginning! =( sooner or later i won't be able to see dashboard in anything smaller than a seated venue with floor option. sad. the intimacy will be all gone. =(

weird! i just interviewed with halfie josh's mom! she runs the LA caregiver resource center which is what i was applying for. they are located in the gerontology school. anyway, so i walked into the building and i felt weird cuz i've never been there before. i went to the office and i sat down to wait cuz i was like 10 min early. i knew right then i was totally NOT gonna get the job cuz i felt so out of place. finally the woman comes out. victoria hsieh is her name. but she's white! so right away i knew she was married to an asian man. there was also another girl there who was younger by the name of geraldine. anyway, so they proceed to tell me about the different jobs available and i feel like they really care about getting ppl jobs cuz if they can't accomodate everyone, then they have other ideas and stuff. so yeah. after that then they ask me questions. nothing to tough. we seemed to have good rapport. so i wasn't feeling so out of place. then about halfway through, i looked over at the computer screen and there is a photo of halfie josh! so i asked her if that was her son since she said her kids go here. and sure enough, it was! it was so weird. so i explained how i knew him and stuff. that couldn't have hurt. i also seemed to impress them with my graphics and web design skills. and the fact that i am punctual, dependable, and have good grammar and attention to detail. so anyway, they said they'll call back on friday for second round interviews. we'll see what happens! if i got that job it'd be about 10-12 hours a week since thats about all i could handle with two internships (vagrant and universal) as well. oh, and i got my message from hotbraille.com which is totally in braille. i don't even quite remember what the message was that i sent to myself! haha oh well. time to do some work now. yuck!

awww...sad. marketing class is over. i mean we have a class discussion on friday for a case study, but the class itself is basically over. we turned in our final case write-up and rex gave his parting words. i felt like he might even cry cuz he was first talking about careers and stuff. then he gave us some parting advice about careers and life in general, and then played this tape that had all these sort of inspirational messages with enya music in the background. then he said goodbye and left. it was sad. one thing he said in relation to careers was measuring success and how there are lots of different ways you can measure success. and how you can overcome failures to get to great success. and he gave all these examples of famous people who are really successful today and failed at classes in high school and college. failed to do this and that. he also put up this comic by ted goff that showed a person tallying on one board, all the "learning experiences" (ie. failures) and then tallying all the "successes" on another board and how there were like at least 5 times as many failures as successes. he also said you should think about happiness in your life, and know that there is a difference between happiness and fun. and then he said this cute little thing which was "you can go out to a party on friday night and have a lot of fun and not be happy when you wake up saturday morning." i thought that was cute. anyway, so marketing is over. he said that most ppl who visit his office hours are usually former students rather than current ones. i think i'll be one of those who visits him next year as a former student. he doesn't even know my name cuz i never see him in his office. but he recognizes my face cuz i sit front and center every day. and i've only missed one class lecture this semester. so yeah. marketing is over. it's a bit sad. the semester is winding down. thankfully. 302 is essentially over as well. just one more fluff class period to discuss what grade we think we should get. i have my last agenting class tonight although i haven't written the final paper for it so i'll have to go to the teacher's office on sunset to turn it in. i have til next wednesday. and then there's finance. horrible, yucky, minding-numbing, finance. i have my final next thursday and i have some SERIOUS studying to do for that class. i NEED to pass it. i HATE that class. and HATE is a strong word. anyway, today it's rainy so it's all glum. i'm waiting to meet emily at 2pm to give her back her sunglasses. then i'm off to an interview at 2:30 at the gerontology school for some data entry job for the summer. whatever. i got the internship at universal music. the guy called today. so that's rad. and i'll be interning at vagrant as well. so that's two unpaid internships. i also want a job. i'll be super busy. but that's ok. that way i won't become sluggish in the summer and then return to school with no brain. haha wow, there is this guy in the computer lab who looks so much like my friend joel back in DC. like they have the same hands, face, teeth, and lanky body. it's soooooooo weird. i mean the resemblence is like so striking. my god! i must email joel about this right now!

whoa freaky. my alarm just went off at 11:59pm! is this some sort of weird twisted sign??

i forgot to post this. i got a fortune cookie today at lunch with devin. the fortune said "you will soon be awarded in public." what do you think that means? what award will i get??? i wonder! oh and i just realized that friday will now be a mess. rick's film screening is that nite. so i want to go to that. and then andy. and also going out with the usual crew. this might be a mess. i think i'll have to have andy come some other time. he doesn't take precedence over my friends. no sir.

boys, boys, boys! sexual tension. oh dear. andy and jeremy. haven't talked to them in ages. but i wanted to get my book back from andy and so i called him. and jeremy was there. and then i was like talking to both of them. and it was insane the sexual tension on the fone. andy still digs me and wants to makeout with no strings attached. i could go for that. he's cute and i don't like him. but we could makeout. he wanted to bring by the guitar book tonight but i don't have time to be making out and shit. i have a case write-up to do that i haven't even started!!! fuck me! oh boys. what a mess. it's like march all over. gotta go back to ralphs tomorrow and ask robert. out. wow. i don't know what's come over me! but i really think dylan had something to do with it. thank you dylan for setting me free! =) and as for walter, we are totally cool. he knows i like him. it's all good. this is my second round of it anyway. kyla tried to call him and talk to him about the note i gave him and it was so funny. she was so silly. so then i called him right back and said i could facilitate this talk much better cuz i'm a pro at the "i like you, u don't like me" talk. so we chatted a bit. it was fun times. walter is so cute. he'll be over as usual on friday for the typical going out to parties routine. altho andy is bringing the book by. so who the hell knows what's going on!

ugh. my nap just now sucked all the happiness out of me. i'm sluggish and tired. =( i have a case write up due tomorrow that i have yet to start. poo. gotta wake up. get it together. and damnit, there are no miniature golfing places in LA!! i think the closest is sherman oaks which is up near burbank. poo. i wanna go mini golfing. speaking of mini, i wanna test drive a mini!!! oh i gotta get rick on that shit too. =)

i am happy! [12:53 pm]
words rarely uttered by me in that exact sequence. i was walking to my cinema class when it struck me that i am happy. rarely do i say i am happy. i'm usually just ok or alright. never happy. but i was happy. the sun was shining. i just had lunch with devin. ran into row mike. 302 speech went alright except that my multimedia didn't work the way i wanted. =( the day was good. and still is good. cinema class is over. i got an A on my final paper. my almost famous bootleg edition dvd came. =) i'm a bit tired and have a lot of work to do but that's ok. it's all almost over. i'm just happy.

wow. i just had a really long chat with dylan. it's strange how something so personal and something i valued so much and thought would fuck shit up between us, actually liberated me and made me feel a thousand times better. so weird. i am like totally cool with dylan now and don't care what happens between us which is basically nothing. we chatted about the whole situation and us and everything. basically he can't see it working right. first of all cuz we aren't best friends and he tends to only see relationships working when two ppl are like really close friends. granted we both realized early on that we are quite similar and i think we both thought that was like a total plus and a good thing. and it is, for friends. but does it work for a relationship? he doesn't think so. i frankly don't know. i'm so inexperienced in that world. but alas, i am so happy that we are like chill with each other. and we are just totally going with the flow. if we end up in the same bed one nite, eh, whatever. if it happens it happens. no planning, just going with the flow. i think that's great. if u said this to me like last week, i would not have felt this way at all. i mean, i was all upset over the dinner we had! but now i'm like glad that we are on the same level finally. and i'm so indifferent to everything actually. all boys in general. i love this. not worrying about anything in the boy world for a nice change of pace. i'm typically ALWAYS worried. not now. thank god! =) emo speech in less than 6 hours. lovely! i have the emo glasses from devin and some of the emo clothes. and the multimedia looks good. but do i have my speech ready? haha

ROBERT from RALPHS!!
i asked him out! i was sooo fucking nervous. but i did it. i went to his line. had my 4 milks, vodka and some other products. we smiled at each other cuz he totally recognizes me from going there so often. when it was my turn, he took my ralphs club card, looked at my items and said "why so much milk?" my heart was beating fast and i said "cuz my roommates drink a lot of milk." then i leaned in and said to him, "so what would u say if i asked you out?" and he smiles at me in his robert way and says "well...i'm seeing someone right now. (pause) but i'll take you up on your invitation anytime. i get off at midnight every night. and my next free day is saturday." i didn't really know what to say after that. i hadn't planned for a response of any kind -- yes or no. so i smiled and said something like "midnight every night?" and then he said yes. i then said something about how my roommate saw him at a party this weekend. we discussed that for a smidge as by this time he was bagging my items and i was paying and totally out of it. i don't even remember like getting my change back and stuff. whatever. i did it. it's over. robert is seeing someone. my roommates tell me i should go there on like wednesday and ask him to do something saturday. ky said i should have like done more today like confirmed the saturday or whatever but rick felt for my confusion and said he would have been the way i was and not have been in the right mind to process all the info. everyone commended me for my efforts. i can't believe i did that. that was like a whole school year in the making right there! haha anyway, so that's it. i'll figure this shit out later. gotta finish my 302 speech on "why you should listen to emo music." here is a screen shot of the multimedia thing i made. essentially it's an offline webpage with a 1 min 13 sec mpeg video comprised of still shots of emo bands and little clips of emo music. i think it's rad.

i have decided i am going to give my persuasive speech on "why you should listen to emo music." i LOVE music and to persuade ppl to listen to music is dumb cuz everyone already does that. and to persuade them to listen to alternative music is also lame cuz a lot of ppl do that already too. but not many ppl listen to emo music. so i made this little mpeg of flashing still shots of emo bands and a mix of emo music clips. it was fun to make but took many many hours because i had to download some conversion programs and such. ugh! anyway, so i hope it works out well. i haven't written the entire speech yet. but i expect it will be fun. i doubt i'll really persuade anyone to make the switch but whatever. i'll have fun giving the presentation. i'm debating whether or not to wear emo clothing for the speech. we'll see. anyway, that's my task today. i'm thinking of making it even better than just the video clip. maybe making an interactive webpage or something. oooh the possibilities! =)

my brain is fried! holy crap. my birthday was definitely one to remember. for so many reasons. altho it's a bit hard to remember cuz i was so high. i woke up today at like 2pm and was soooooo out of it! and then i laid around for like another 4 hours! what a LONG weekend. friday was a good nite. yesterday i didn't get out of bed til past noon. dylan stayed over. hmmm....that's a big confusion right there. but i'm just going with the flow on that. =) i got lots of birthday wishes. even some while i was in bed. that was weird. ky went over to DA and walter's and made me a tiramisu cake and then brought back all the boys and we had cake and stuff. that was cute. then i made the special brownies for the concert. then we all went to the concert. oh man. em and i ate the brownies on the way and we began to feel it around 7pm. we didn't get there til 8 but by then i was sooooo out of it. so was em. we went to jack in the box cuz rick was hungry. then em felt sick and puked. i held it together but was really out of it. we went to the concert which was awesome. i really liked it. we missed hoobastank but the concert was great. i remember that much! brandon's hair is getting really long. he wore a tie at first too. how cute. they used good lights and they had a screen in the background that projected abstract images at times. other times it was shots of the stage. it was neat. i felt like i was watching it live and on tv at the same time. they ended with "a certain shade of green" and then did 2 songs in the encore. the last song was "aqueous transmission" which i thought was just fabulous. it's such a beautiful song. =) after the concert i fell asleep in the car. then we got back to LA around 1 something and i called walter and found where he and DA were. then me, rick and ky went over to regal trojan where they were. and that was a haze. but i remember rick and DA were playing with walkie talkies and they did that all the way back home. and tried to wake up michael. but were unsuccessful. that was funny. then they left. walter and DA that is. but they left their cell fones here. cuz all of a sudden i'm passed out in my bed and a fone is ringing in my room but it sounds funny. it's walter's fone! so he said that he and DA would come by today to get the fones. so they did. but i was totally like in my bed and shit. so ky had to hand it to them. oh man. i was so out of it today. i'm finally getting with it. finally....now i have a shitload of work to do!! yuck. but man this weekend was great. so fucking great. what an awesome 21st. thanks to all that made it great. =) basically everyone i saw this weekend. as well as lo who went back home but made me this cute picture of aberdeen. thanx lo! =)

last nite was just a bit too much to blog about....INCUBUS tonight!!! woohoo! gotta go break some stems and let the oil simmer. brownies are on there way. =)

it's my birthday
by the vandals

it's my brithday and i'll do what i want to
fuck you it's my birthday
special holiday only for me
so do what i say
it's my party and i can cry if i want to
fuck you, it's not your birthday
so do what i say ok
for 24 hours your wishing me well
364 days i'm in hell
oh well
happy birthday to me
happy birthday to me

leave me alone on my birthday
i'm gonna dance 10 times on my birthday
no tip, it's my birthday so do what i say

thanks mom didn't have an abortion,
or my birthday wouldn't be today
but i guess it's my good fortune
my birthday's today ok
for 24 hours your wishing me well
364 days i'm in hell, oh well
happy birthday to me
happy birthday to me

(spank me, spank me, spank me, spank me, spank me, spank me)

oh well, happy birthday to me
happy birthday to--
can't believe you forgot my birthday
it's my birthday and you're wreckin it
no it's just like any other day ya didn't do what i say
how could you forget my birthday
that's really immature
fuck you, for forgettin' my birthday
ya didn't do what i say today
24 hours of no wishin well
now 365 days i'm in hell oh well
happy birthday to me
happy happy birthday to me,
happy birthday to me!

the oddest things happen when u least expect. ok so i just got back from ralphs with walter and DA. how random. i was over at emily's to give her some stuff and pick up some ingredients for our brownies tomorrow. i'll say no more there. hehe anyway, so i saw walter and DA walking by as i was waiting. so i went over to talk to them. and then we ended up going to ralphs together. i needed to get mixers for the everclear tonight. woohoo! and tyler just called and he's gonna come over here later with some fun stuff. =) yay. good times tonight. "lights out friday!" it's gonna be insane. i'm gonna see all the boys tonight. well i think so. good times. good times. and the clock will strike midnight and i'll be 21! yay! anyway, so the ENT. what a story. man that place is just full of stories. ok so i got there 5 minutes late. very bad. i wanted to get there early and ask the receptionist (i found out his name is ted) for some cookies and milk. haha but i was late and emily called me right as i was frantically parallel parking. so i couldn't talk. so i went inside and ted knew who i was. so i just sat down and waited. this guy was sitting there with all these papers. he was kinda cute. he turns to me and asks me "how do u spell 'ancestors'?" so i spelled it. then he tells me he's writing a paper on the gettysberg address. i was just about to start chatting with him about that and where he goes to school and such, but they fucking called me into the office. so i saw the doc who gave me some nose spray. then as i was leaving i had to go to the desk to pay and make a new appt. they called in the guy from the waiting room so i couldn't talk to him! =( but i talked to ted about his piercings and tattoos. didn't ask for any cookies altho i almost did. then i left and called emily on my cell fone and talked to her for a long time with the hope that perhaps the guy would come out. but he never did. sad. so here i am, trying to move on with my life and it's still not working! poo. i also thought about *finally* asking robert out from ralphs. but i didn't cuz he wasn't there. i don't even know if he's single! but whatever. i made this funny little ralphs card thing with a barcode with my fone #. whether or not i'll ever give it to him, i don't know. i think he'd be fun to go out on just one date with. one nite of fun. whatever. tonight is gonna be a blast, i hope. intoxication is fabulous!! =) "LIGHTS OUT FRIDAY!"

damn. i kicked ass on the marketing midterm. got a 96! sweet! the mean was like 84.7 with a standard deviation of like 8.2 or something. which means the grades were a bit dispersed. and my group got an 89 on the presentation. BUT, the mean was 84.9 with a standard deviation of only 3.7. so that means the grades were all bunched up. the highest grade was a 90. so we totally kicked ass on that too. sweet! i'm off to the ENT now. i hope to get some cookies and milk from the goofy receptionist. =) tonight is remy zero and drinking everclear to get totally shitfaced. that'll take me right into the morning when i become officially 21!! nice. next week the cinema house is hosting "prom under the sea." now i need to find a prom date...any takers? =)

why can't i just be happy? i'm discussing this with emily. she is upset that jim doesn't want to be friends with her. i'm thankful that dylan does. but why aren't we ever happy? happy about boys that is. why? why can't we ever get a break? we just don't have what it takes. we are doomed to be single. i've been single for like 4 yrs now or something. i lost count. but it's been forever. i shouldn't be single in college. what's wrong with me? next year it'll be more of the same. more guys who don't want relationships. then once they leave college and realize it's hard to find girls at work, they'll want relationships but it'll be too late. and i'll still be single. forever single. getting the house and dog with ky and emily at 28. goodness fucking gracious. wallow in self-pity jen. since no one else will give it to ya. even if they say words of encouragement, they basically have no idea what they are talking about cuz they haven't had as much failure as i have with boys. only emily understands. but she also never sugarcoats the pill. at least i have a partner in crime on this stuff. if i didn't, i'd feel even more lonely than i do right now...

oh i'm hot! i just played dance, dance revolution over at DA and walter's. that shit isn't easy. me and ky aren't too good. she's better than me tho. i suck. =( oh well. walter has this really really cute stuffed dog animal thing and i just love it to death. i suggested he name it stanley and he did. woohoo! i'm all about naming the doggies. i named the dog next door murray and later found out it was a girl doggie! haha and now it's not around anymore. i think it's dead. =( anyway, that dancing stuff cheered me up to some extent. but in reality i'm still sad. it wasn't awkward around dylan but it was sad. perhaps it is good that he won't really be around this summer. i think it'd just make it harder to get over him if he was around. time and distance are always the best ways to heal the heart. at least for me. =(

i'm sitting here listening to that david gray song. it's making me sad. why did dylan have to do this to me? i don't wanna say that i wish he never even emailed me. cuz that's not true. but if he hadn't, i wouldn't be sad right now. i'd probably just be frustrated. no, probably nothing. cuz i'm so used to being single. i don't wish that he didn't email me cuz then that means he wouldn't even be in my life at all. and i really like dylan. i want him in my life. it just sorta hurts right now. it's hard. he was fun to be with. now it's over and it makes me sad. the only way i'll get over this is to start liking someone else. so dylan, since i know you're reading this. if you wanna get yourself off the hook here and ensure that i don't like you anymore, find me someone else to like! it's the only way. either that or if dylan does something so fucking assholish that i just hate him forever. but that's unlikely. very unlikely. i need to think back to what i always used to tell myself. you can't make someone like you. it's really true. i can't make dylan like me. i don't think i'd even know how to make someone like me. all i know is that it sucks when u like someone and they don't like u back. or when u like someone more than they like u. and i feel like i'm constantly in that position of liking someone who just doesn't like me back. =( why? it's the "certain something" that i'm missing. isn't it? what is that certain something? how come someone can't pinpoint it for me?!?! why do i never fit the bill? i'm sad. i'm just sorta stream of conscious typing out my pain. =( oh dear, "everybody hurts" just came on rotation. that's another sad some. =(

everybody hurts
by r.e.m.

when the day is long and the night
the night is yours alone
when you're sure you've had enough
of this life
well hang on
don't let yourself go
cause everybody cries
everybody hurts sometimes

sometimes everything is wrong
now it's time to sing along
when your day is night alone
hold on, hold on
if you feel like letting go
when you think you've had too much
of this life
well hang on

cause everybody hurts
take comfort in your friends
everybody hurts
don't throw your hand
oh no
don't throw your hand
if you feel like you're alone
no, you are not alone

if you're on your own in this life
the days and nights are long
when you think you've had too much
of this life to hang on

well, everybody hurts sometimes
everybody cries
and everybody hurts sometimes
so hold on, hold on
hold on

i never knew you, you never knew me
say hello goodbye
say hello and wave goodbye
say hello and wave goodbye
say hello and wave goodbye

that's from the song "say hello, wave goodbye" by daivd gray. great song. sad song. =( i just got back from ethiopian food with dylan. it was good. he paid since my bday is on saturday and he hasn't thought of anything neat for me. nothing specialized. like how we like giving specific gifts to people. he hasn't thought of anything for me. whatever. i drove home listening to this david gray song. it's a long song. i felt good about my dinner with dylan altho it made me sorta sad. it was nice to see him and not have awkwardness really, but at the same time it was sad to see him and to know that there are no feelings there. =( but at least it was alright. graig just asked me how my "date" went. i didn't even think of it as a date. dylan mentioned that word in the context that the restaurant was a good choice for a date cuz you have to fool around with the way you eat the food. that was fun. or maybe just funny. haha anyway, now i'm back here. home. alone-ish. i feel alone. and i guess that's all that really matters. my day was good tho. 302 class was only 45 min. skipped finance. went to the dermie who said my skin looked good and i don't need to go back unless i have a problem. so that's good. then i went to the ENT and this is a funny story.

ok so at the ENT the receptionist is this guy. not too old. maybe like 27 or so. he looks sorta like norm macdonald cuz he's skinny and has curly hair. he has BIG geeky thick-rimmed glasses. prolly for style. has a tattoo on his neck of some round design. tattoo earrings. and a tragus piercing in each ear. very interesting looking. anyway, so i handed back the forms to fill out and we touched hands and got an electric shock! that was funny. then i waited for a bit only to realize that my doc was super late. this other man goes and asks how much longer it'll be and the receptionist says that the doc is running really late due to a surgery and it'll be about 45 min. so then he says he'll give us milk and cookies. and he offers it a couple times. so then i said, "ok i'll take some." and he's like "really? ok" but then i asked if my doc was the same one running late and he said yes. so i ended up rescheduling for tomorrow. so no cookies for me. maybe tomorrow. if the funny receptionist is there. so that was that. then i came home and me and ky took a cake over to jason for his bday. but he got food poisoning last nite so he couldn't eat any of the cake. sad. =(

i think kyla can attest to this. JR is my new best friend! whoa nelly! =)

oh baby!! james came over with everclear. it'll be "lights out friday." we'll all be drunk as all fucking hell. yeah! 151 proof. one shot and i'll be done for. nice...remy zero will be so good! friday will be fucking awesome!! now we just need to round up the calvary...

"closer"
by NIN

you let me violate you, you let me desecrate you
you let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you
help me i broke apart my insides, help me i've got no soul to sell
help me the only thing that works for me, help me get away from myself

i want to fuck you like an animal
i want to feel you from the inside
i want to fuck you like an animal
my whole existence is flawed
you get me closer to god

you can have my isolation, you can have the hate that it brings
you can have my absence of faith, you can have my everything
help me tear down my reason, help me its' your sex i can smell
help me you make me perfect, help me become somebody else

i want to fuck you like an animal
i want to feel you from the inside
i want to fuck you like an animal
my whole existence is flawed
you get me closer to god

through every forest, above the trees
within my stomach, scraped off my knees
i drink the honey inside your hive
you are the reason i stay alive

oh baby! this was playing in the car right as we left ralphs. and robert from ralphs was looking HOT. =O and he has the same seatbelt belt as me. me and ky got totally hot and bothered. oh baby! now i'm all riled up with no one to see and no place to go. aaaaaaahhhhhhh!

a little sad. moderately antsy/riled up. a lot hungry. this means the following:
- making a cd of random songs that i listen to a lot lately that will mostly be of the more subdued, mellow nature
- playing with some toys
- going to ralphs asap

me and ky's toys came in the mail today. how fun. gap.com is having a big sale. the nylon panties look cute. might get some of those. and the jeans are pretty cheap too. and the best part is that if they don't fit u can always return them instore. so u don't have to hassle with shipping them back. good deal. i am about to begin reading this big ass book on lew wasserman, former MCA head and music mogul. i hope it's a better read than the geffen book. or rather, i hope his life is a better read. cuz the geffen book was well-written and interesting. i just hated geffen and what he stood for, or didn't stand for perhaps. and i currently rediscovered the david gray "white ladder" cd. it's really fucking good. very mellow. very nice. i highly recommend it. =) oh and i saw wendi today walking down the street. that's the first time i've ever seen her walk down the street. i always thought that i would see her more once i knew what she looked like just cuz we live like 4 houses away from each other. but this was the first time. i'm not sure if she saw me and chose not to flinch at all or what. i certainly recognized her but didn't make any sort of acknowledgment cuz i wasn't sure if she would just look at me weirdly. oh well. whatever.

oh dear god. my mouth still has the garlicy taste of the indian food we had last nite. all those spices are still with me! sheesh. it's awful. it needs to go away!! ky said coffee did the trick for her. but i'm not in the mood for coffee. oh well. i'm waiting for the red dye to be ready so i can take a shower. i had to redo my hair cuz it was getting funky colored. i did a quickie job with the painting tho so who know how good it'll look. i'm tired and debating skipping my marketing class since we basically don't need to learn any of today's material. we'll see. i also have this sense that i had a dream about dylan. u know how that is when u wake up and have a sense that u dreamt about a person, place, or thing but don't know how it played out in the dream. well that's me. maybe something will trigger it and i'll remember. i love when that happens. when you're randomly doing something and then all of a sudden like a bolt of lightning, you remember. it's great!

so apparently dylan is very chaste and has lots of morals. which means that all he said really was true. =) the idea that he is an old-fashioned guy who really wants to get to know the girl before getting into any sort of relationship. i was speculative of it all cuz most guys aren't like that. but graig confirmed this for me. wow. i actually think that's very respectful. very odd. but respectful. makes me like him even more. a guy with some morals. rare. 99% of the guys i encounter would love to just get it on with a girl at no risk. no cost. no commitment. i typically find that behaviour sort of icky. however, as long as both parties agree to it, then i think it's fine. provided both are aware of that and know the consequences. it's like a little contract being made. we can do this and this and this. but not that. etc. sign on the X. anyway, this makes me feel a whole hell of a lot better about it all. cuz he said that as it went on, he started to question if what he was doing was morally right. us making out with him unsure of how he felt about me. so i guess at first he thought it might work out and that's why allusions to the future came into play, but then he realized that maybe it wouldn't. that he didn't know me that well. and so then morals stepped in and overtook it all. and so then he called it all off. the physical aspect that is. very respectful yes. but sad as well cuz making out is fun. =( oh well. at least i'm more at peace with all of this. so that's a good thing. and i realize that dylan is super busy with his papers so he doesn't have much time to talk. so it's nothing personal against me. now if after the crunch is over he still isn't talking that much, then i know that this friendship thing just won't be working out. and then that's when i get angry cuz it was his idea. and i hate when guys say shit to girls to appease them when they really don't mean it. i'd rather here the honest truth and get the hate starting right away. it's just easier that way.

too much flavor! too spicy. too full....the indian food was good. ky and i had a great time! and now we are all wacky. there was something mighty fishy in that stuff. =P haha 4 more days til i'm the "burfdey bebe." haha that's me and ky's silly talk just now. "burfdey bebe." too good. i was productive earlier and emailed my resume to a bunch of places that had ads in the DT. see what comes of that. prolly nothing. i need a job for the summer. i already secured an internship at vagrant which i'm totally stoked about. the dude was like, "yeah it's unpaid...monetarily. but we'll make up for it though." so yeah. that would rock! my hope is to have 2 internships and a job. keep myself busy. yes sir. poor emily is still at her 302 meeting. thank god i don't have to do the group project for that class. our teacher cancelled it. he cancelled so much shit. cerling is great! =) it's cuz it's a peusdo honors class so he can do whatever he wants. and he doesn't have to set a curve either. thank god. i did my impromptu today. it was really easy actually cuz the topic was so broad. woohoo! that's out of the way. so one more speech to go and i'm done with 302. yay! =)

brian's gonna play my request for "bitter pill" by dashboard on KSCR soon. neat. =) the previous DJ's called him "emo boy" when he walked into the studio so i requested the dashboard song that i thought was *the* most emo. plus, what the hell? i'm still sorta sad about dylan at times. so why not hear the emo stuff? it's got a different feel when i hear it on KSCR versus in my own room on my own cd player.

no dinner with dylan after all. i sorta expected that actually. he called me at like 3:20 and was like "umm jen. i don't think i can do the dinner tonight. i just woke up and i haven't even finished that other paper and still have the two others due tomorrow." i told him i knew that was coming. and then it was all awkward cuz what the fuck was i supposed to say? but then i asked if he still wanted to have lunch some other time or dinner or whatever. he said sure, once his papers are done which most likely won't be on time. i then went into my rant about how non-business majors get away with so much bullshit and turning shit in late. and how it boggles my mind that they can do that. cuz in the business school it's either on time, or u might as well not even turn it in. no one turns shit in late. cuz it's either not accepted, or it's severely marked down and you'll definitely suffer from the curve. also, when we have like presentations and speeches, you can't be late with them. u have your day to do it and that's it. firm. no if's, and's, or but's about it. anyway, so i ranted about that. and since DA and ky are going out to dinner on thursday, basically me and dylan can't scope out the restaurant now, so whatever. i got all excited about this place and now we aren't going. what a let down. i should post the lyrics to radiohead's song "let down." just like when tyler fucked up and didn't come with me to get my skateboard. i sent him those lyrics and he was like "jen, do u have any idea what they say? they are weird." haha whatever. me and ky are gonna search for indian food tonight since i was all excited about going out. =) and maybe i can go play the dance, dance, revolution game over at walter and DA's. i wanna do that. anyway, so i dunno when i'll see dylan next in our platonic setting. it might just end up being friday when he puts air in kyla's and my tires. who knows. whatever. thank god me and dylan didn't have lunch today cuz he wouldn't have even made it and OMG i would have been pissed. cuz i HATE when ppl don't show. i would have been like "what the fuck is this bullshit? he didn't show. fucker doesn't care. etc." and then would have found out the truth and got worked up for nothing. so yeah, good thing that didn't happen. anyway, back to being unproductive!

i decided i'd write a poem since i was rearranging my wall and i had to move my poems. i saw mine and dylan's on the wall and i decided it was time for a new one. only took about an hour too. not bad. ok, here goes nothing:

the ongoing battle

so i tried it out,
just let things go,
didn't look around,
just went with the flow.

all of a sudden,
an inflow of men,
a bit overwhelming
and foreign to this jen.

andy was a dud,
pat was a mess,
they both didn't work out,
just caused me great stress.

meanwhile there was dylan,
the one who said not to fret,
he seemed really cool,
us dating was anybody's bet.

we met at tim's party,
things went quite well,
and before i knew it,
i was out of "boy hell."

i started to get attached,
which was no great shock,
then i felt weirdness,
so i wanted to have "the talk."

after three short weeks,
and some great making out,
dylan crushed me with the fact
that he was having some doubt.

i'm cool, i'm fun, i'm cute,
and great to be around,
but lacking that "certain something,"
which he just hadn't found.

so now we try to be friends,
and see where that leads,
most likely nowhere,
since i don't fit his needs.

i never fit the bill,
i never have it all,
what the hell is wrong with me?
my back's against the wall!

i trudge on in the battle,
this never ending game,
a quest to find a guy,
not money, fortune, or fame.

so the moral of this story,
"not trying" doesn't work,
i'm doomed to be single,
every guy is a jerk!

sad that the USC server is down so that you can't see any sort of images on my blog. or any of my other websites. =( anyway, i decided to rearrange some shit on the walls. not much. basically i redid my door and moved that stuff inside. cuz i stuck up this pack of postcards i bought that i thought looked rad. so those are now on the door. the poems and such that were on the door are now inside. having a bit of trouble figuring out exactly where to put them inside but for now they are up in random spots. kyla is feeling down today with good reason. i shant get into that. but, she is concerned about where to take DA for dinner. so we went searching online for restaurants. we looked for places that looked interesting yet not too expensive. i found this ethiopian place called nyala which looked cool. at least by the description. she agreed but was a bit unsure. i was like, "this place looks neat. i would want to take someone here." then i thought of dylan cuz we are supposed to have lunch and so i thought, well we could just have dinner here instead. so i asked him and he agreed. so we are now gonna go there and i can scope out the place for ky. so that'll be neat. i wanna order something totally random cuz the names of the shit are so weird. this should be fun. i liken it to the time dan and i went out to eat brazillian food. we have actually gone back to that place again and we like it there. i think i'll take him there when he returns from austria next month. ooooh dan! he's coming back soon. =) i'm so excited.

today has been a great day so far! the weekend is behind me and all is well. at least so far. i had my doubts about going to my marketing class cuz on the schedule it said we were having a guest speaker. but he turned out to be somewhat interesting. it was this guy from universal mccann advertising agency. one of the biggest in the world. he gave a presentation on interactive advertising. the first thing he started with was this age old "think outside the box" quiz. i will now spew some random shit i learned and thought was interesting/funny from the presentation:

- i am a "mouse potato" which is the internet equivalent of a couch potato
- the 1995 "bobby award" for the most useless website went to this site: iowa state university's tasty insect recipes
- san francisco is the top U.S. wired city
- a site that seemingly makes no sense hotbraille.com...braille online? how the hell does that work out??
- there is actually a website for this: the leonard nimoy should eat more salsa foundation...and it's in english, dutch, french, spanish, swedish, and is 30% complete in finnish. you've got to be kidding me!
- according to thespark.com gender test which the speaker told us about in class, i am definitely a woman with 86% confidence.
- eyeblasters and shoshkeles are new forms of rich media on the net that are pretty neat looking.

and one more thing completely unrelated to my marketing class. after i left class, i was walking over to the bookstore with michael to get an application for a job for the summer and someone called out my name. it was graig! i see him more than i see dylan....anyway he was like "jen! friends forever!" or something like that. i thought that was cute. yay graig. =)

something i forgot to do yesterday. thank GRAIG for ragging on dylan about the poem/email he sent me and how it wasn't just a simple poem of advice but had elements of wooing in it. THANK YOU GRAIG! =) i'd thank you in some other more discreet way (ie. AIM or email), but i don't know how else to reach you. so this will just have to do. =) on another front. i almost lost ANOTHER ring! but i didn't. i found it. then that would have meant 2 index finger rings lost. i still never found the other one. =( oh well. i'll replace it one of these days i guess. if i find anything worth replacing it with. my rings have no meaning anyway. well, all but one. blah.

wait a fucking minute! i just realized something else while brushing my teeth. why did dylan and i have the sex talk? what the hell was that for? why discuss sex and issues surrounding that and make allusions to us learning from each other? this was the thursday that i began to really like him too. the day i spent like 7 hours at his apt. he brought up the fact that when two people are dating they get the benefit of learning from each other in terms of making out and sex and whatnot. then when we were doing something he said how he liked that. i took that as an extension of his earlier comment about people dating. why mention these things and totally get me into thinking there was some sort of future in this when there wasn't? how fucking misleading is that. and saying how i'll meet his mom at one point and shit. whatever. we never even told each other our fucked up family stories. oh well. whatever...yep, jen is once more cynical about life and love and men.

oooh, i just realized another good quote that i can relate to. i'm all about finding song lyrics and movie quotes that i can relate my life tp. i just recalled one from the film i am sam. what a tearjerker film. so good tho. dylan and i almost saw that together when we thought E.T. was sold out. but we didn't and i had seen it before with lo and michael anyway. here's the line from it by sean penn's character, sam:

"you don't know what it's like to try, and try and try and you don't get there."

that's me and guys. i try and try and try and i don't get anywhere. maybe i should stop trying u say. been there, done that. his name is dylan. didn't really try, didn't really work. and here are some random cheesy pick-up lines i came across just now. some of them are so silly. it's great!

- the human body is 90% water, and i'm real thirsty.
- do you have a mirror in your pants? because i can see myself in them.
- if i said you had a lovely body, would you hold it against me?
- do you believe in love at first sight or do i have to walk by you again?
- if i could rearrange the alphabet, i'd but u and i together.
- do you have any raisins? no? how about a date?
- my bed is broken. can i sleep in yours?
- can i buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
- nice shoes. wanna fuck?
- that shirt is quite becoming on you. and if i were on you, i'd be coming too.

i think i know why the whole talk with dylan shocked me so much. cuz right before we had the talk, i was actually pissed at him for not having called me or whatnot. i knew there was something fishy even if he was super busy with his paper. so i got all angered and whatnot. and up until friday nite when i finally brokedown and called him, i was pissed. then we chatted and he said he'd come out with us and i thought that it seemed alright. but all the while i knew that the "talk" was imminent. so the days before that i thought about what i wanted out of the talk. cuz that's what tyler said to do. make sure i go in with a goal. so my goal was to establish the level of commitment. so i thought about it for a long time. and i came to the conclusion that of course the optimal thing would be for dylan to want to commit. but knowing that things felt fishy, i was actually expecting him to say that he didn't want a commitment. but i figured that meant we'd still be fooling around. cuz most guys seem to want that. so i actually sorta geared myself up for that and thought about whether i could handle that. and i thought that if i knew that it would be like that. a relationship on the same level of kari and lo where basically they hook up a lot and hang out as friends but aren't commited, i could deal with it. cuz hooking up is fun and the whole commitment thing doesn't become an issue unless one person suddenly finds this like other love of their life or something. so i actually thought he was gonna say that. and then when he busted out with the whole, "platonic, let's be friends thing." i was like in shock. cuz i wasn't expecting us to just totally cut off the physical realm and be just friends. in my mind i guess that wasn't even an option i considered. it was either the long shot of being commited or the more realistic shot of being people who hook up with no commitment. i just realized this as i thought about why this bothers me so much. oh well. c'est la vie n'est-ce pas? time to wrap tyler's little gift thingymabob that i found while shopping for mel's gift. then maybe i'll actually do some work for once in the past like 5 days or whatever it's been. boy have i procrastinated the shit out of my life lately.

thanx to everyone that has been nice and supportive. =) i know that whatever you say is sorta fluffy and just there to make me feel better. but i appreciate it nonetheless. it just sucks and u can't do much about it. so u have to move on. time heals wounds as i have learned over and over. it's just that this wound is fresh and the scab hasn't sealed over. there's no neosporin around to help it either. so it's gonna have to heal on it's own. but soon enough. hopefully i don't pick at it. cuz i have a tendency to pick at scabs. no good. on a different note. kyla called D.A. and they are having lunch for dinner on thursday since their lunch schedules don't coincide. good luck to her. i can't present much hope to her with the way i am looking at guys right now, but best of luck to her. i called walter like right after to get the scoop. he didn't know anything tho cuz he was napping. silly D.A. answered the fone and then gave it to walter who was napping. i didn't need to talk to walter *that* badly. but i helped him wake up which was good. he doesn't know about the dylan situation in it's entirety but as i was getting off the fone with him he said "well i hope you feel better." i asked him if i had said anything was wrong and he said "no but you don't sound completely happy. you could be happier." and he was right. he made me feel better in an indirect way. so that was cool. anyway, then lo made us his special family recipe pancakes and we ate those. they were good. then chilled upstairs. i stretched out some more cuz my legs are all tight for some reason. still are a bit. oh well. more stretching will ensue. me and ky also went online and made a silly purchase just now. oh such good times at orange:house. =)

rick says to not even be friends with dylan. fuck dylan. move on. i want to try to be friends. i dunno if it will work. we'll see on tuesday. it might hurt too much. whatever. i'm talking in circles cuz really all i feel is pain. hearing that someone doesn't like u the way u like them hurts. who the fuck can dispute that? i mean it's funny how i wasn't *that* attached to dylan at first. but then i became attached. it was that damned thursday when went to lunch. if i hadn't stayed there so long i wouldn't have gotten so attached. but whatever. move the fuck on jen. just move the fuck on. u've been dicked over before and it'll happen a shitload more times. so just build up a thick skin and say "fuck it." of course it's not that easy. but whatever. i have to. cuz i can't fucking sit here and wallow in self-pity. i can't sit here and be like "what is wrong with me? what am i missing?" cuz there are never answers to that. NEVER. it's just dumb to fabricate shit. and there's no reason to ever change yourself for someone. that's just lame. i just see this "missing something" as a recurring theme and i can't help but wonder what the fuck it is. i'm just doomed. doomed to be single. i've been single for years now. why the hell should life give me a break now? there's no reason. i haven't paid my dues long enough. i have to get beat up at least 5 or 6 more times before i get a break. yep. that's it jen. fuck. whatever. saracsm is biting sometimes. and i'm now having a moment. so i can't write anymore...

the "talk part II" is now over. whoa. ok. i'd have to say it was a bit difficult. there were times when i just wanted to lash out at dylan but i knew that would do no good. solve nothing. because in the end that isn't really how i feel. it's just the irrational thought coming out. essentially tho, he was sugarcoating the pill. in more than so many words (cuz dylan is verbose just like me!), he essentially said "jen. i like you. you're cool to hang out with. i'm attracted to you. but dating isn't going to work. it's not going to happen now, and probably not ever. you're just lacking that certain something." how the fuck many times have i heard that before? omg. i hate that. i HATE hearing that. where does this certain something exist? where can i buy it, and why does everyone else seem to have it but me? whatever. we're gonna try to be friends. he says that if i call him to do something it won't be weird and he won't misconstrue it as trying to woo him back or whatever. it'll be awkward at first to see him. so i said we should have lunch first since a party would just be too weird. so we are having lunch on tuesday. to make all the awkwardness hopefully go away. and if it doesn't then i guess i won't be able to be friends with him. like if it hurts too much. i did this for dan and tyler. altho it was a bit dif in those situations. dan and i never hooked up so there was never that element. and tyler and i did, but then there were a huge time factor that helped out. so i suppose this can work with dylan. he said he was trying to not dick me over by doing this before it got messy. i can see his point in that. but basically it just sucks. so i'm back to being cynical about life. cuz i really have no reason to be optimistic. i once again lose out in the battle. but hey, what else is new? i'm good at losing. i'm a good loser. cuz i've done it so much. so yeah. back to the drawing board. altho i can't draw and i can't find my pencil either! =(

sitting around the round table with the roommates...rick asked me just now, "so what happened with dylan?" and i said, "he wants to get to know me as a platonic friend before seeing if we could date." and michael said, "yeah that's such a line. you've been hooking up for what now, a month? the moment you bring up a talk he says that. that's such a line." so once again i am thinking that it was a cop out response. cuz honestly, michael is pretty good at this shit. cuz he gives lines all the fucking time. i hear him. i know. so even tho tyler was making me all hopeful, now i'm back to believing the masses. so unless dylan proves to me otherwise, i have just been dicked over by one more guy in this world and the idea of having hope like dylan preached to me in his poem, is a load of shyte. and sorry rick, but if that is true, yes you won't be seeing dylan anymore.

"i let my music take me where my heart wants to go"
-- the wind (cat stevens)

man i love that song. it's off the almost famous soundtrack. good stuff. anyway, i think that line from the song is true. music to soothe the soul. music to help the mood i'm in. sometimes i want to wallow in self-pity so i listen to dashboard. other times i just want to get out of my mood and totally like rock out to some loud shit. regardless, i love music. without music i dunno what i'd do. i play music like almost all day. i just love it. =) anyway, so i went to liv's place for a pot luck lunch with her, kim, jamie, and emily. basically it was like all the roommates from freshman year that lived next to each other, minus carolyn. cuz it was kim and jamie in 1369. me and emily in 1371. and liv and carolyn in 1373. carolyn didn't want to come because that was all the past and she has moved on she said. i think it's cuz of the jamie situation weirding her out. whatever. so we had a nice little lunch. i made cookies that turned out funky. oh well. then i came home and talked to dad about flights to NY and GA for me and mel for next month. i can't wait to go!! i'm so excited. i get to see kyle again and finally see NY properly. woohoo! i also IMed dylan last nite and he said he was going to call today. so that will be good i guess. tyler says why fuck shit up with an awkward talk. i see his point but whatever. i dunno. poo. i'm feeling better about all of this today anyway so yeah. yesterday was just the reflex emotions coming out. today is rationalization. much better. and i've got my almost famous soundtrack to keep me company. damn this shit is good! =)

i'm sad now. i feel like i've just been broken up with when we weren't even going out! i miss dylan already even when it's like the same day and before i wouldn't have even seen him in this span of time anyway! so i'm just basically running out the different emotions. typical. anyway, i talked to jessica about this as well. she said that i should just be weary cuz this is what happened to her and rick and then she got hurt in the end. i don't want to get hurt, but i do want to be dylan's friend and see if this does actually go anywhere. and if not, i hope that i can be friends. emily doesn't want this turning into a dan situation. neither do i. dan was a special case. but there can be no more of that. speaking of dan, he comes back really soon! in less than a month i think. cuz he's going to summer school. i'm so excited. i miss dan now that i realize he's coming back so soon. dan's the greatest. =) a real winner. but yeah anyway, dylan. as i sit and think about this more, i think i realize that i took his words at first as a personal offense. i think i sort of jumped to some conclusions. cuz if he really just does want to get to know me better to see what i am like on that friends level and see if there is a chance for any sort of relationship, i can see what he's talking about. but i think when he said that, i was more taking it to mean, "he doesn't like me. he doesn't want to be with me. he's pawning this off as a 'let's just be friends' thing. etc. etc." but i mean, it's a fair thing to say that you want to get to know a person better before choosing commitment. that makes sense. i just think cutting out the physical aspect is not as fun. oh well. so we have to do platonic stuff. like what tho? just hang out. get lunch and stuff. what do platonic ppl do? i mean, what do i do with my platonic guy friends? we just talk. sometimes have lunch. party together with no hooking up. i mean, that's about it really. so is that what dylan and i are gonna do? i don't quite understand. i think i need to talk to him more about this now that i am not in the bitter state. i'm in the sad yet rational state. wanting to figure out how this can work.

i love tyler. he's great. he made me feel so much better. whether or not he's right, at least he made me feel better. he said that i should just continue doing what i was doing with dylan before. cuz he thinks that essentially dylan is saying that he wants to just get to know me better before really deciding anything of any sort. it's way too soon to consider any sort of commitment is what tyler said. and so i need to just continue seeing dylan the way i have been. and see what happens. now, tyler could be right about this. or he could be wrong and dylan was just saying all that stuff as a cop out. who knows. lawrence also agreed that what tyler said could be true. who knows. so i'll just continue with the way it is except no making out i guess since that's what dylan wants. either way, tyler made me feel better and now i'm not all bitter and upset. at least for the meantime. THANK YOU TYLER!! =)

so i've been thinking more. first of all, the whole idea that this "getting to know each other better and be friends to see if it naturally progressses" thing. it could be true. or it could be a cop out. kyla likened it to a passage from dumb and dumber where jim carrey (lloyd) asks lauren holly (mary) a question:

LLOYD i'm gonna ask you something flat out and I want you to answer me honestly: what do you think the chances are of a girl like you and a guy like me ending up together?
MARY lloyd, that's difficult to say. i mean we hardly --
LLOYD --i asked you to be honest, mary.
MARY but lloyd, i really can't --
LLOYD --come on, give it to me straight. i drove a long way to see you, the least you can do is level with me. what are my chances?
MARY not good.
LLOYD you mean not good, like one out of a hundred?
MARY i'd say more like one out of a million.
LLOYD so...you're telling me there is a chance!!!

essentially mary avoids the direct statement of "no you have no chance with me." she bullshits lloyd. i fucking hate bullshit. i have no way of knowing if dylan is bullshitting me other than if we continue to be friends and it does progress. then i would know he wasn't kidding. but is he really gonna try to be friends with me? or is it gonna be all me to carry this friendship? i guess time will tell. earlier i was bitter and stuff. now i'm just sorta sad. cuz i think dylan is really cool and so do all my friends. they actually had hope for me. they thought this would work. EVERYONE thought this would work. that dylan was bf material. i guess they were all WRONG! and now they are all disappointed cuz they liked him so much. he thinks my whole house will be against him now. well i talked to my housemates. they still like him. but what are they gonna do? i'm the link. so yeah. i mean, if he likes hanging out with us *that* much, then he needs to call me up sometime. i mean i'll call sometime, but really i can't like always be the one. that's just too fucking lopsided. and i once again feel very insecure. he said he likes me and all. perhaps he does. but not enough to want to be with me. sounds like the fucking story of my life. whatever. now i'm just sad and bitter. =( me and kyla discussed how basically, anytime one of us or our friends hooks up with someone after a party, it's doomed right there. we pointed first to all the one-time hookups we've had that went nowhere. that's a handful right there btwn me, ky, and emily. then there's pat, brandon, dylan, and jim. all of them were guys we hooked up with after a party and it didn't work out. sad. we're just doomed. fucking doomed. so gosh. it all comes back full circle. dylan first contacted me via email a little over a month ago. he wrote me a poem saying not to be so down and out about boys. i'll paste in the poem and some random excerpts from the email that went with it. i think it's sorta ironic that he told me to not worry so much and now here i am hurt over the boy that told me that in the first place! how can i not worry now??

dead end?
by dylan letrich

"exhausted all the options,"
you're afraid of running out of time.
round and round you look about,
discouraged by all you see.

the solution for you without a doubt
is to change your frame of mind.
you need not have such pressure on yourself,
you need not have such worry in your head.

every second, a new experience.
every step, another new change.
every corner hides a new person.
just be willing to take the chance.

your life is possibilities.
you just need to explore.
have true confidence in yourself.
you really need no more.

no, this is not a PSA,
not a message from a barney episode.

this is advice from experience,
to let yourself go.
you control only your life and your love.
don't fret the reaction from your date or mate.

feel the joy in every little thing.
don't wait to feel wonderfully happy
until the perfect guy, perfect time, perfect place.
every day is perfect; every day you're great.

you can't control anyone or anything else.
so, ride life like a rolling wave.
make the most of what life gives you;
only in that respect, you control your fate.

it's all a matter of mindset.
let a new perspective spice up your life.
open the door; take the leap.
opportunity is just waiting for your turn of the key.

ok. here are some random excerpts from his email:
<< i wrote this because i have and do share a lot of your sentiments and concerns about love and life. the poem doesn't exactly express the full extent of what i mean, so it sounds a bit cheesy. i just didn't feel like subjecting you to something toooo horrendously long. :) please don't take anything as criticism; its just that i see you as a very talented, attractive, loveable girl. i don't think you should be as down as your poems make you sound. i hope you enjoy it. i really just want you to know that even if you think that you can't find someone to care for you and that no one is interested in you, you're wrong. you seem to be a very interesting, cool, wonderful person; don't underestimate yourself. don't underestimate the amount of people, including guys, who think you're bitchin'. :) don't let your dreams of love keep you from actually getting it. let love happen. you can't make it happen. >>

so yeah. basically he told me to not fret so much and just let love happen. so what did i do? i sorta just went with it. i didn't know him yet i just let it happen and it seemed to go well. and then i turned out to be wrong. and so how can i even believe his advice? what irony for ya. not that trying to make it happen works either, cuz it doesn't. basically i *am* doomed. whatever. oh and dylan took a bunch of photos of me and my friends and us last nite. i want copies of those!! i'll have to talk to him about that. anyway, i'll close this blog entry with a song. it's from dashboard confessional. surprise, surprise.

standard lines
- dashboard confessional

which of the bold faced lies will we use?
i hope that you're happy, you really deserve it,
this will be the best for us both in the end.

but your taste still lingers on my lips like i just placed them upon yours
and i starve for you.
but this new diet's liquid
and dulling to the senses.
and it's crude but it will do.

which of the standard lines will we use?
i've been meaning to call you. i've just been so busy.
we'll catch up soon.
let's make it a point to.

oh this is hard. i mean. fuck. ok. conflicting thoughts. take a breath and let it spew jen. ok so first of all. we had the "talk." yes. dylan came over last nite and we all went out as a huge fucking group partying. it was seriously like me and ky and then like 10 guys. ridiculous cockfest. anyway, so we went to a few parties. got pretty drunk. came back here around 2am. he wanted to have the "talk" right then when we were in my room and drunk. i didn't want to do that for 2 reasons. 1) i was too drunk to be coherant and prolly wouldn't get all my thoughts out. not that i did that well this morning. but whatever. 2) i really wanted to make out with him and if the talk went badly we might not get to do that. cuz that shit's fun. i'm not gonna lie. last nite was good. anyway, so we did that and then slept and all. i woke up around like 9 something but he was still totally asleep snoring. so i just made myself go back to sleep. then his alarm on his fone went off around like 10. then jason called around like noon. then my dad shortly after. that was weird. there's dylan right there next to me. both half naked and i'm talking to my dad. weird shit. we didn't talk that long. then dylan went to the bathroom and i knew i should probably facilitate the "talk." so when he came back i began. i tried to at least. i can't remember verbatim what he said. but basically it was me asking what sort of commitment he wanted. and him saying that he likes me and we have fun together and he really likes my friends and such, but that he takes a long time to like someone and so we don't know each other that well so we should get to know each other more. hang out more. be friends and platonic for now. so basically no more fooling around. he still wants to hang out here with me and my friends and i think that's cool except that part of me thinks that basically he just said what he said to gel shit over. perhaps i should have asked but at the time i didn't think to do that. anyway so i'm all torn cuz if we hang out, perhaps it could become something more. but most likely not cuz he's not even gonna be here for the summer. he'll be in riverside which isn't all that far but whatever. and like it could be weird to just be friends and hang out. it could be fine too. but see i can see what will happen. i'll call him to do shit in a platonic matter and he'll think i'm trying to cling on. fuck that. i don't want to look needy. and at the same time, even tho he proposed to be platonic and get to know each other without making out, i can almost bet he will NOT call me to do shit. i KNOW men. essentially he really IS just like my guy roommates. i know how their brains work. it's sad cuz everyone in my house really likes him and i do too. but like fuck. what am i supposed to do? fuck. i knew this would happen. everyone was all happy for me. told me this shit would work out. emily was really hopeful. i was the only one that knew it just wasn't gonna work out. i could tell. last saturday when he left. i knew. i could feel it. it was instinctual. and this whole past week. i could just tell. my one and only ex bf did this sort of thing. the whole taper off and not talk as much shit. i see how it works. granted dylan and i weren't together together, but i guess we were like dating sorta. and so that sorta just tapered off. whatever. why did he want to have lunch with me last week? to get to know me better? i have no idea. whatever. these words are sorta like bitter right now. cuz i'm a little hurt. not too much cuz i saw it coming. i was prepared. but u know what. i'm back to thinking that it's just never gonna work out for me. cuz it never does. emily, i'm back on the other side. i know you said it's no fun there and it's still the same, but i'm there with ya! dashboard isn't playing yet tho. we'll see. you were right emily, the "talk" does fuck shit up. who the hell successfully pulls off the "talk"? not many people really. emily and jim? nope. rick and jessica? nope. ky and brandon? nope. kari and lo did sorta altho that's cuz she is ok with a no commitment thing. i suppose i could be ok with that shit cuz making out is fun but whatever. anyway, so where am i going with all of this? i have no idea. all i know is that for me to make huge efforts to be dylan's friend could hurt me cuz it could be false hope. and also, he could perceive it as working too hard at this. and then i look like the fool. and i have too much pride for that. fuck. whatever. and who the fuck was i really trying to fool? like rick said to me just yesterday, "people like us just don't get boyfriends and girlfriends. there is something wrong with us that prevents us from getting them. we're good people but we just aren't cut out for it." he said something to that effect. it's true. we just don't make the grade.

the importance of locking your door...just a minute ago, the front door opened. i peeped my head out of the bathroom wondering who the hell it could be. kyla is asleep. so is michael. rick is upstairs eating cereal. it could have been lo, but he doesn't have class today so why would he be up so early? it turned out to be a middle-aged man. why the hell was he coming in our house? he looked non-threatening. that was some sort of comfort for my shock. he then says "is this ryan haden's place?" bingo! he must be ryan's dad. ryan being one of our fratboy neighbors. the nicest of them all. i told him that they live nextdoor and he apologized for the mixup. i thought that was really bizarre. whatever. no harm no foul. but yes, the importance of locking the door always. on a totally different note, tyler messaged me saying things went well last nite. so i shall probe him later. i turn 21 in a week and a day. i am super excited about being able to drink legally. me and ty gotta go somewhere after i turn 21 since we have basically been waiting for me to be legal for like 2 years now. so yeah ty. pick some neat place and we'll go drinking. not on my actual bday cuz i'll be in san diego seeing incubus. but sometime shortly after. oooh, how fun. =)

i woke up about half an hour ago really hot. i don't think i'm sick. i think i was just feeling the effects of the alcohol i consumed last nite. i wasn't super drunk altho at the end my vision was a bit blurred and i was red in the face. so i was btwn buzzed and drunk. anyway, i woke up and got some water and went to the bathroom and such. now i am sitting here reading people's blogs and links to other blogs. basically wasting time. i should be sleeping but i'm not all that tired. i wanna know how tyler is doing. how his dinner party thing went last nite. i bet it was super fun. =) he'll give me details later today i'm sure. man, my room is a mess. i have to put some shit away that i bought yesterday. oh oh. i'm looking at my floor and what do i see? wax. today i'm FINALLY gonna try waxing my legs. not all the hairs are long enough cuz i think my hair grows at two rates. so the long ones are ok, but the short one are like really short. oh well. i can't wait any longer. the hair is just looking naaaaaasty. anyway, in 2 hrs i will have to get ready for class. perhaps i should try to sleep for a bit and then wake up. but man it's hot in here. maybe i'll crack the windo open just a smidge.

oh who the fuck am i kidding? i'm addicted to this blogging shit. besides, today was just too good not to blog. =) so like i slept through my only two classes today. basically i set my alarm and turned it off by accident without resetting it or anything. so at 7:30, michael knocks on my door and i realized that i overslept. i thought he was getting me to go to class. but no. he was in his boxers and not going to class either! so we both didn't go. then i forgot to set my alarm for my next class and just skipped that too. so basically i took a day off from academic life. then i went to the periodontist which was whatever. then i went to santa monica to get some birthday gifts and shit. and this woman stopped me to do a market research thing. omg. it was like i ran into middle america in the middle of the santa monica mall. holy crap. the ppl there were like...i don't even know how to describe it. there was this young couple. maybe like 17 or 18 years old. really cute. sorta alternative style. the guy was just trying to be cute to his gf and the man that worked there got all pissed and shit. it was ridiculous. he also made the woman who was surveying me do all this shit just so. it was ludicrous. i was thinking how much i didn't care how she performed the survey but just that i got the shit done and got my 5 bucks! after that i went to urban outfitters and some other places. bought some random gifts and some cute underwear. they had girl's style boys undies but they were still really large. so that just wasn't gonna work! then on the way home i stopped at ralphs. oh boy. i bought a frecnh baguette and went to robert's line. holy shit he was soooooo cute. he was all smiley and just super fucking cute. he was like "so this is it for ya? u know, i eat this for my break all the time. that's all i get. some bread. well, sometimes bread and a cigarette." i was like "oh how sad. only bread?" he was like "yeah, it's only a 15 min break." then i paid and as i walked off he leaned over to hand me the bread and was like "here's your bread!" and was all smiley. holy crap. he'