leaving GA tomorrow. sad. sad. i'll miss kyle and courtney. seeing them was fun. we didn't do anything super special. details will come later. it's super hot here. like 94 degrees today. oh dear god! saw the laser light show at stone mountain just now. went to krispy kreme's. went to criminal records who i called from vagrant on friday to ask them stuff. saw kyle's college town for a couple days. went to his parent's house yesterday where i met his family and they were like "oh so this is jen. we finally get to meet you." that sorta weirded me out. kyle is a little dif. i'll post more when i can. back to socializing.

well i'm in GA still. got in at 10:30am on saturday morning and was really tired. first had a layover in dallas where i met up with mel. kyle and kat picked us up and we went straight to athens which is where his college is. it's a cute town. mel likens it to davis. anyway, i dont have time for details but we have been to a bar, went bowling, went to waffle house, went shopping and today went to a memorial day thing at kyle's parent's place. now i'm at kyle's bro's apt. kyle's bro, jason, dates kyle's friend courtney (a guy) who i met in europe as well. they are techie guys so i got to jump on the comp. tomorrow we'll explore atlanta. get krispy kreme's. i bought moonshine stuff to smuggle back for the boys. 190 proof. hardcore. the everclear is 190 proof as well. anyway, i should go. i miss all the LA people. =( off to NYC in a couple days.

the house is empty. i'm all alone. how fitting. michael and lo went to a concert. ky is out having dinner with david. it's just me. all alone. =( no prepartying. nothing. i think i'm gonna listen to some dashboard now cuz dan will be coming over. we'll have our talk. it'll go pretty much the way it always does and i'll be sad. then we'll go to the party. i won't be in the mood. i'll mingle for a bit. say goodbye to emily and jessica. then go to LAX with tyler. yep. i already know what the night will be like. =( this will be my last blog entry for awhile i presume cuz i don't really know when i'll be hopping on the net anytime soon. perhaps at kyle's but i'll prolly be too busy. c'est la vie. until next time...

"10 minutes to downtown, is 10 minutes too far..." la la la. vagrant is so chill and i'm waiting for something to do. i just called a bunch of record shops in atlanta asking about record sales and whatnot for the get up kids and hot rod circuit since they are touring in june. i sent out a bunch of posters and some promo cds. holy crap there is so much shit i want to take. there are some cute posters and t-shirts and of course there are shitloads of cds. i took one already. and i'm gonna ask to take two posters. most are too big and wouldn't really fit but i want this one dashboard one and this one get up kids one. they are small. anyway, i gotta talk to dan tonight. i wrote him this letter but i don't know if i'll give it to him or just talk to him on the fly. it's hard cuz it's awkward. but these talks always are. oh well.

take a chance on me
- abba

if you change your mind, i'm the first in line
honey i'm still free
take a chance on me
if you need me, let me know, gonna be around
if you've got no place to go, if you're feeling down
if you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown
honey i'm still free
take a chance on me
gonna do my very best and it ain't no lie
if you put me to the test, if you let me try

take a chance on me
(that's all i ask of you honey)
take a chance on me

we can go dancing, we can go walking, as long as we're together
listen to some music, maybe just talking, get to know you better
'cos you know i've got
so much that i wanna do, when i dream i'm alone with you
it's magic
you want me to leave it there, afraid of a love affair
but i think you know
that i can't let go

if you change your mind, i'm the first in line
honey i'm still free
take a chance on me
if you need me, let me know, gonna be around
if you've got no place to go, if you're feeling down
if you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown
honey i'm still free
take a chance on me
gonna do my very best and it ain't no lie
if you put me to the test, if you let me try

take a chance on me
(come on, give me a break will you?)
take a chance on me
oh you can take your time baby, i'm in no hurry, know i'm gonna get you
you don't wanna hurt me, baby don't worry, i ain't gonna let you
let me tell you now
my love is strong enough to last when things are rough
it's magic
you say that i waste my time but i can't get you off my mind
no i can't let go
'cos i love you so

if you change your mind, i'm the first in line
honey i'm still free
take a chance on me
if you need me, let me know, gonna be around
if you've got no place to go, if you're feeling down
if you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown
honey i'm still free
take a chance on me
gonna do my very best, baby can't you see
gotta put me to the test, take a chance on me
(take a chance, take a chance, take a chance on me)

ba ba ba ba baa, ba ba ba ba baa
honey i'm still free
take a chance on me
gonna do my very best, baby can't you see
gotta put me to the test, take a chance on me
(take a chance, take a chance, take a chance on me)

ba ba ba ba baa, ba ba ba ba baa ba-ba
honey i'm still free
take a chance on me

dan knows me too well. he didn't even go home and call me. he just came here straight from the movie. =) and now it's like a few hours later and he just left. dan and i have a way of passing the time so quickly over the most random things. it's great. we didn't discuss our issues of course. i thought we might but then we didn't. tomorrow we shall. or rather, today technically. we need to before things get really tense and strange. at least in my opinion. cuz the whole time he was here i could totally sense the tension. i'm just so scared. i don't want to fuck shit up. i know i probably never could cuz it's dan and we've had plenty of discussions on this shit. but one never knows. oh dan. what a mess.

dinner with dylan was really good and i'm super full but already i am beginning to sense the weirdness btwn us. =( i don't like it one bit. michael asked me if we kissed goodbye. no we did not. we haven't done that in ages. he asked if we hugged goodbye. no we did not. we haven't done that in ages. i don't want there to be this awkwardness btwn us. but the relations seemed strained tonight. even kyla said that. poop. and where is dan?

working from 4:45-11am sucks. at the time it wasn't so bad but then when i come home i'm just all tired and shit. oh well. and scott doesn't want to change my grade. and i dunno if i'm all gungho anymore to appeal it. cuz i'm just so tired. and i have all this other shit going on in my head. we'll see. dylan is coming over in an hour to cook dinner with me and kyla. that should be fun. i'm still trying to get my laundry done and pack. man am i a procrastinator. ugh! oh well. whatever. c'est la vie.

all i've ever wanted presents itself in a light most unpleasing. that, and i'm tired and have to work in less than 5 hours.

i'm at vagrant and it's so chill here. there are a couple cute boys here and there. i'm not sure if they are interns or not. the band "brand new" came in a little while ago. they might get signed to vagrant i guess. who knows. hey merecedes is coming out with a new EP in july i overheard. and so they will be touring in july with audio learning center. i wanna go!!! anyway, there are a lot of interns and not enough computers for all of us to do the work. i'm currently looking up indie music websites that showcase music videos so that way james (the head of marketing) can have a comprehensive list of sites that he can show vagrant bands' videos on in the future. this is a tedious process because once u get a list going, getting those ones that are hard to find, are well, hard to find! so i'm trudging on. meanwhile i am reading the newest copy of alternative press which some dude (who seems important and yells the word "fuck" a lot) gave to me. there are some anniversary/superdrag cds on the desk here that i wanna snag a copy of but prolly shouldn't. i still need to call my teacher about my grade! i'm scared. and i see that there are a lot of comments as to what my dilemma is. well folks, since i haven't come to any conclusions, i shall just let this one go unknown for now. oh and star wars was alright. better than episode I. the mann's chinese theatre is cool but not worth the 10 bucks. the restaurant that dan and i ate at was good but i had too much garlic and so i can still feel it in my today at 3pm! crazy shit. i hate it. go away garlic. go away!!!

jen officially has a dilemma.

yay. din din with dan. then star wars at mann's chinese theatre. i've never been there. should be fun. at least i hope. and i'll finally get to catch up with dan. we waited til we were gonna have a dinner to tell the stories. how fun. dylan said he'd be back in LA today but i don't know if he is. he never really calls me. so whatever. =P i'll see him thursday for dinner. oh and tomorrow i start my internship at vagrant! yay. i hope it's fun. i think it will be. noon to 6pm on wednesdays and fridays. sounds good to me!

wow. i missed another day. but that's cuz it's technically tuesday morning but for me it's still monday. i have had a long day! went to work at 7am. it was actually really fun. i got to work the till the entire time. i was so nervous at first cuz i thought i would screw up ppl's orders and not make the right change, but for the most part i got it right. i had to ask some questions here and there but i basically got it right. there was one cute guy that came in. his name was jason. i don't think he's a regular though. some people were but i was unaware cuz i'm new. the man that made my day was named christopher. he was an older british man. he came in when it wasn't busy. he walked up to my till, stuck out his hand, said "hello my love. my name is christopher. what is yours?" i told him my name. he said "nice to meet you jennifer. are you new here? i've been coming here for 2 years now. i don't recognize you." i told him i just started a little over a week ago. he then explained to me that he just wanted to meet me and introduce himself since i was new. then he ordered a tall, breve, double latte. i shall try my hardest to remember him for when he comes in next time to greet him with his name and know his drink. anyway, so that was fun. but i was tired when i came home so i took a nap. and ever since i woke up, i have been tired! i went to the gym with ky. came back and took a shower. then i made the call... the call to my agent teacher. oh dear. i was scared. i just knew he was gonna yell and be mean. but i had to call. so i did. and at first i explained to him how i didn't think he was graded it fairly. explaining my position. he then replied "well i appreciate your thoughts on that." and said nothing more. so then i said "well....i'd like for you to reconsider my grade." then he went on about something and said finally said he would reread it. i then said something that totally pissed him off. i said "well, if you choose not to change my grade, i'm going to appeal it." and then he was like "well you know what? just go ahead and do that. just appeal it." cuz then he was pissed. and he went on about how i didn't participate in class. and i said "well no one did really! i answered your questions when you asked them of me. some people didn't even do that! and when you asked questions to the class as a whole, i answered them a few times." so we sort of argued about that for a bit. but then he started saying how the point of the class was to learn about how business worked. and he asked if i learned anything in the class. i told him how it was a good class if u were interested in that stuff. and blah blah. then he asked if i learned anything about how business works in general. even if i don't want to go into the tv industry. and i said "well one thing i learned from u was to never stop at the first try. if u believe in something then you shouldn't back down in the beginning. if you were in this position you wouldn't let it go after one try. and that's why i'm calling you back now and talking with you about this." and he was like "yes, i completely commend you for your efforts here. i wish you had been like this in class the whole time." and then he laughed hysterically for a minute which i didn't know how to respond to! but at least he was in a good mood. he then asked me something like "well, what can i do for you jennifer?" and i didn't understand what he meant. but he literally meant like if there was someone in the music industry i wanted him to call or something. i told him how i didn't even know totally what i wanted to do and that i was interning. so then we talked about that. then he asked me where i went to high school and why i picked SC. and i explained why. and he asked how hard it was to get in and i said how it's gotten harder and how the avg GPA and SAT's have gone up. and so since his son got in for the fall this year, that means he was in a smarter class than my class cuz it's harder now. sorta like trying to be all complimentary and stuff. anyway, so we chatted about that. then in the end he said he would reread the paper and asked me how would he go about changing my grade anyway. i said i didn't know cuz i've never done that, but that i could find out for him. he said to do that. and then i just ended by saying that i'm honestly not asking for some great grade. i would settle for a B- just because it looks better than a C+. and i think he understood that and so i think he will change it for me. at least i'm hoping so. i have hope. we ended on a good note. so yeah. that was SUCH a relief. so then after that i went with dan to target and some various other places. that was fun. i enjoy dan immensely. he's great. it's weird that he's back now. cuz i'm not used to having him here to do stuff with me. and we haven't caught up yet but it feels like he never left. it's weird. tomorrow (or today rather) we shall be having dinner and then going to see star wars at the mann's chinese theatre. we shall catch up then. he will learn of all the boy shananagins from this past semester. how fun. so anyway, after going out with dan. then i came home and left immediately with kyla to get walter and DA and go to dinner. we went to this korean tofu place. it was good. that was fun times. they are silly boys. DA smelled so fresh and clean! haha then i came home and immediately left with michael to get dan and go see y tu mama tambien. finally! i couldn't wait any longer cuz i was scared that it wouldn't be in theaters after i returned from NYC. so yeah. i went. ky didn't go cuz she didn't feel like leaving the house, so that's good cuz rick hasn't seen it and they can go together. i was so tired i nodded off for random 2 minute spurts during the second half of the film. but i know what happened. it was just so hard for me to stay awake reading the subtitles. it was a pretty sexual movie. and even though dylan said i should totally see if now cuz i had that whole guitar boys fiasco, it wasn't really like the boys in the film. but whatever. it was a decent movie. and it made me sort of ansty for sex. like considering the first scene of the film was tenoch having sex with his girlfriend, it made me a bit antsy. oh dear... anyway, now i'm home and finally not on the go. and i'm dead tired! oh man am i tired. no work tomorrow. woohoo. time to sleep in late!! =)

i'm tired. last nite we went to maloney's but i didn't really like it cuz it wasn't that great of an atmosphere. all the guys there weren't my type. it was too loud with music that there was no room to dance to. oh well. an experience. my first bar experience in america. it was fun to just hang out with dan. today i had to work at starbucks at 8am. that was sorta fun. i hated waking up so early but once i got working, it was fun. i was making the fraps for a long time. making ingredients here and there. cleaning up. then when this guy tony came, he taught me some hot drinks. he's a cool guy. we were just chillin and making the latte's and mocha's and learning about each other. he thought i was like a freshman. he also inquired about my ethnicity and where i'm from and the type of music i like and such. he's only 20. so hell, i'm older than him! he goes to SMC. he's into like metal and ska and some hardcore music. not my style. so we playfully bickered about that. i almost get a slight vibe from him but who knows. whatever. he's not my type. but he's a nice guy. there is a guy there that would be my type except that 1) he seems gay and 2) he's hispanic and i generally like white guys. but he's got the dyed red hair, stretched piercings, tongue ring, studded belt and wristband. his name is peter. he's also really nice. it was a good day at work. then i came home and was really tired. but i ended up laying on the couch for hours and hours with dan just watching tv. it was fun. then michael's friend invited us all to dinner at her place. so we did that and it was a great dinner. i'm still full! now i gotta sleep cuz i have to work at 7am. poo. i didn't shower which is so gross but i'm too tired! oh well. whatever. i think i might work the register tomorrow. how fun and exciting and scary. =) then dinner with ky and walter. then prolly dinner and movie with dan on tuesday. we'll see. all this stuff to do before i leave for GA and NYC late friday night.

dan is back!!! =) there are no words to express my joy...

i just came back from my starbucks class. it was supposed to be 5 hours long but we were such a small group that it was only 3.5 hrs. but we'll get paid for 4 cuz the guy is gonna fudge it. woo! it was boring. we tasted a bunch of different coffees. nothing too exciting. i talked to my parents about my grade and how that fucking asshole failed my final paper. they want to appeal the grade. cuz at the time i didn't think about it that much, but really, my grade can't get any lower. if i failed the final paper then i can go no lower. so why not appeal it? even if nothing changes, he'll have shit to deal with and it'll fuck up his life for a bit. and fuck him. i don't care if this fucks up his work schedule. and i'll never see him again. so fuck it. let's appeal! he's an asshole. he deserves this. already there were 3 complaints filed against him about how he was a tyrant and an asshole to us. so maybe they won't hire him again. and maybe that fact will help my case. whatever. i won't let this die! fuck scott!

i feel lonely. it's lonely here. just me and michael. =( and i miss dylan. i haven't talked to him in so long it seems. i miss him. or at least talking to him! =( this summer might turn out to be really sad if it doesn't pick up soon. altho there is always that down period but still. right now it's just sad and depressing. nevermind my fucking teacher. i miss my friends. and i miss dylan. this sucks.

awww. asa just came over to drop off a check for rick along with his yearbook. it was sad. he, doug, and adam are moving to virginia tomorrow. sad. he looked so sad. =( it made me sad. especially since it's lonely here tonight with just me and michael. aww. i took a foto to commemorate asa's last day here. =(

i want dan to come back soon. cuz i'm sad. it's lonely and boring right now. i have a feeling that even though we say we'll go out tonight, we won't. so whatever. i'm not banking on it. and kyla is back home. dylan is back home. emily and jessica are out right now. i want dan to come back really soon. that'll make me super happy since nothing else is happy right now. the world *is* indeed shitting on me! =(

i just went running. helped to take my mind off my C+ in cinema. i still can't fucking believe it. a C+. i might as well have not even read the final book or written the final paper. cuz apparently i "failed" it. how the fuck can i fail it? i wrote the paper. it made sense. just cuz i didn't see any differences between lew and geffen i failed?!?! who the fuck fails a paper? i'm a good student. i got an A- in WRIT 340 and you're telling me i failed a cinema paper??? i had an A in the class before the final. ugh! this fucking pisses me off.

i just got my fucking grades. my fucking agenting teacher gave me a C+ !!! he said that he hated my final paper and so he gave me a C+. there is nothing i can do to argue with him. he was a fucking asshole the whole semester and that's it. whatever. my GPA is just horrendous now. just horrendous. what a fucking asshole! i wonder what my overall GPA is now. it's probably just shit. whatever. i can't do anything about it now. it's too late. i told him i wasn't going to argue with him cuz what the fuck would i do? he's horrible. he yells at people and i just can't take that. so be it as it may, my back is to the wall and there will be much drinking tonight i'm sure.

woo! dan called me from kansas. he's coming back to LA either tomorrow night or sunday morning. i'm SUPER excited. yay dan! he's doing well it sounds like. altho a bit melancoly from the abrupt return from vienna. that's expected. i can't wait to hang out with him and catch up on the past 6 months. he's gonna sleep here til he gets the keys to his summer apt on monday. how fun. dan is back!! he called me right after i got out of my gyno appt. that appt went well i thought. the lady was very nice. she's asian and from SF as well. she was like "did u grow up there? what high school did you go to?" i looked at her and thought, she must have gone to lowell. cuz he's asian and a doctor. and sure enough, she did! and she's married to a white man and has two kids. how funny. she was really nice to me and tried to be gentle. but that shit just isn't pleasant in the slightest. i'll be going on the pill to regulate myself. a dif pill than the one i had before. whatever. anyway, so that was that. went to santa monica mall. got a pair of girl's style "boys" underwear. finally! got it at hot topic. much cheaper than the ones on melrose. yay! that's fun. also got a lonely planet for NYC to plan my trip. i leave next saturday. how crazy is that??

what the fuck was i thinking? i fucking hate myself. and my fucking keyboard isn't working which made this very fucking hard! =(

wow. i didn't blog yesterday. my first missed day. i actually had blogged something but then my comp froze and i said fuck it. so here i am. back today. still feeling sick. but i worked at 4:45am. that was boring cuz i was training on the computer. nearly put me to sleep! oh well. then i was productive. i didn't go back to sleep. i went out and got my oil changed finally! the people there was nice and didn't try to get me to do other shit to my car that i didn't want to. so that was good. i also took in a shitload of my old cd's that i didn't want to amoeba. i got $50 for them. they are most of my R&B stuff and random compilations that i NEVER listen to anymore. i figured i'd trade them in for store credit and then get shit i want. and so i did. i bought a ton of cd's today. it's great. now i have to listen to them all. i also bought the tickets for me, lo, and jessica to see the get up kids on june 4th. that's exciting. the opening band is also another vagrant band -- hot rod circuit. they are good too. i have their cd. and i begin working at vagrant next wednesday. that's cool. woo! and tonight, a group of us are going to maloney's in westwood. it's a bar that a lot of UCLA kids frequent. so i hope that's cool. i feel a bit sluggish right now cuz i just woke up from my nap. and i think my agent teacher for my cinema class called me. but i'm not sure cuz i was half asleep. so i guess i'll call back tomorrow. i feel so dumb that i hung up on what i think was his assistant or receptionist. i have no idea! i was too tired. =( oh well...

for some reason i was super pissed today. i got all upset and just went on a rant. maybe it's the heat getting to me. or maybe it's life shitting on me. my mp3 player came in the mail today and it doesn't seem to work that well. there seems to be something wrong. i dunno. ugh! my room is a fucking mess. it's hot. i have all this shit to do. i was pissed about something from last nite. i have to pick up jason from the airport so i will prolly be late to walter and DA's wonderful dinner. fuck. whatever. anyway, sorry to anyone i lashed out at. i hope i get it under control. oh and i had this dream last nite about jeremy and it weirded me out and made me start thinking about him once again. ugh! no good. i told him i wouldn't talk to him again and stuff. and now i have these urges. fucking hell!. whatever. oh i went to goodwill to turn in some old clothes i didn't want and i ended up buying this random shit to make something. i hope it works out. it's like halfway there. and if it works, it'll be neat. it'll be for dylan's birthday.

i'm tired, bloated, and hot. =( me and ky just got back from walter and DA's. we were over there chillin for a bit. we accompanied them and some other people to miyagi's on sunset where we had all you can eat sushi. it was expensive and we are stuffed to the max. oh my god that was a lot of sushi. holy crap! it was good tho. anyway, at least i don't have to work tomorrow. but i am picking up jason from the airport and there is also a party tomorrow. so there will be some good times. and me and ky should probably go running since we didn't do that today. and i have all these other random things i need to do as well. ugh. poo. whatever. i need sleep. oh and the new neighbors started to move in. they are these girls who are probably sorority chicks. the one mother wanted me to move my car today cuz it was in their way and then later she came by and gave me a bottle of red wine! that was nice of her. so me, ky, and dylan will drink it with the dinner we are going to have next thursday. and maybe we'll do vodka shots with the sugar lemons. ky and i thought of that while at dinner tonight. oh and her, walter and i are going to have korean food on monday too. how fun! all this food. ugh. sounds horrible right now cuz i'm so fucking full.

just got back from working the earliest fucking shift of my life quite possibly. 4:45-9am! i almost overslept cuz my alarm didn't go off. gonna have to set two alarms now. ugh! ky and i didn't do that much today. we helped set shit up and then did a lot of reading. i wrote down how to make every single drink there is -- hot and cold. now i will memorize them with flashcards. thursday i'll learn the register. woo! then saturday is the starbucks class. that'll be long and uninteresting i think. but there will probably be lots of samples to learn what things taste like and what foods go with what pastries. now it's time to nap and then start a new day!

oh god. the heat is getting to me. JR twice in one night. goodness gracious jen! if today is a microcosm of the rest of the summer, oh dear! work in 5 hours. =(

it's too fucking hot to move! ugh. poo. i worked today. it wasn't too bad. learning this starbucks shit isn't so bad. at least i'm making some money. tomorrow me and ky open the store at 4:45am! holy crappola that's early. but we end our shift at 9am. so that's not bad. come back and sleep. then start a new day. haha weird. i gotta plan my NYC trip. fuck. i'm such a slacker. i don't want to do anything. man. horrible. dan comes back soon. yay! i'm excited. i wanna go mini golfing with him or something fun like that. actually, i just wanna go mini golfing with anyone. so any takers?

farewell BZO kids. the cinema house is no more. doug, asa, adam, and crew are off into the unknown waters of the film industry. =( sad. the party was fun for what it was. a BZO party. i wish i wasn't sick so that i could have drank and partook in the craziness. alas, i did not have the energy. and now i must sleep and wake up bright and early for work. poo.

ugh. i'm sick. i hate being sick. my throat hurts. =( i wonder where i got sick. disneyland? who knows. i hope this goes away soon. cuz it sucks. i have to work today too. poo! guess who called me at like 2:30am last nite. the guitar boys. i was half asleep and i think they were really drunk and in anaheim at this club. i'm not totally sure. i think they needed a way to get back cuz they were drunk. who knows. i couldn't help them. i was half asleep. jeremy did all the talking while andy just shouted random shit in the background. prolly cuz they know that of the two, i will receive jeremy better than andy. whatever. those boys. so silly.

I'M SAD!!! =(

sitting around the house with ky feeling sad. there is this wave of sadness that has come over us. the loneliness that goes along with everyone graduating. granted most of our friends aren't graduating, but still. it's really sad. we went shopping to today. got our black polos for starbucks. i got my emo glasses. i hope this little getup works out. we shall see. i wanna stitch something funky into my polo. gotta read the guidelines for what i'm allowed to wear. speaking of dress codes, me and rick wanna be wacky for OUR graduation. i wanna do something that pushes the envelope. mocks the fucking business school. we have a year to think about it. i feel slightly sick right now. im not sure why. how did i get sick? who knows. anyway, there is nothing to do and it's sad. so we are at home being mopey. =(

happiness and sadness all at once. i just got back from graduation. i went to jessica's with rick. it was cute. it's sad to see people graduating. but it's happy too. it brings me back to high school graduation. rick and i even went over to the shrine to see the business school one. and that TOTALLY reminded me of high school. graduating in this big auditorium and then coming out with the masses of people outside. it was weird. anyway, enough reminiscing. it's a very nice day! me and ky are going shopping for our polos for starbucks. and my emo glasses. how fun. oh and i was talking to rick about his upcoming trip to england. we were recounting the names of the people and i realized something. the guy laura was dating at the end, richard, reminds me a LOT of dylan. that's strange. the way they dress and look and act. very dylan. and i remember having a slight attraction toward that guy too. so i guess it's fitting. haha "fitting." meningitis poster. no one would get that joke. oh well. anyway, yeah. dylan. i haven't seen him in a day and already i feel better again. i think it was just seeing him for such an extended period of time was making me sad. but now i'm ok again. oh and graig brought over a "thank you" card for helping with his moving. how nice of graig. =)

i think i'm in one of the worst moods i've been in, in awhile. u know why? the guitar boys. they fucking stress me out. they are always "just kidding." but u know what? i don't fucking care anymore. it was like pulling fucking teeth to get my damn guitar book back from andy. then both him and jeremy were chatting with me online. being their dickish selves. so i'm like, fuck it. i don't give a shit anymore. their novelty has worn out. they don't seem to see that. so i'm trying to make it very clear. i told them, this is it. summer is here. clean break. give me my book back. u won't hear from me again. jeremy then goes on about how he is sorry he stresses me out. bullshit like that. i'm not sure if he even really meant that. whatever. i don't care. i told him that he won't hear from me again. granted i did like him. but now i just don't care. i have no more energy. i don't care if they are fucking around. i went to get the book from andy. he was alone drunk. lovely. so he's all asking me a million fucking times why i'm all quiet and why i don't care and all this shit. i have no words. i just told him that i just don't care anymore. it's not that they aren't nice. it's not that i don't want to be their friend per se. i just have no more tolerance for their shit. no more energy to deal with them. so fuck it. i left his place finally and hugged him goodbye. and that was that. until i was driving home and then jeremy called me cuz andy called him with my fone. so i just told him that andy called him with my fone and that like i said, i just don't care anymore. cuz really i don't. it's like basically andy annoys me. and jeremy just isn't worth it. he's not worth the effort. it's totally pointless. the novelty of the two of them together is totally gone. so what's the point? so i won't be making any sorts of strides to talk to them. if for some reason they message me or call me. then whatever. i'll deal with it then. otherwise, fuck it. andy asked me i like jeremy. why jeremy gets all the chicks that he likes. i had no answer. cuz really i don't have a good reason to like jeremy. he's cute but that's about it. i barely know him and he's so silly about shit. whatever. the guitar boy saga is over. the summer is here. clean break. no more. now if only it were so simple with dylan....

hmm...i find this very fucking weird that there is this girl megan (i'll refrain from saying her last name even tho that's really the only way i hear of her. "meagan _______ ") knows who i am and so much about me. granted i run the orange:house site. but still. i thought my roommates knew who her. now i find out that they too don't know her and only know of her. i know of her through them. anyway, apparently she knows row mike and so i guess that's how she's read my blog. which i don't care about at all. i don't care who reads my blog. it's out there. anyone can read it. except my parents. THAT would be insanely bad. anyway, so she reads my blog. how do i know? cuz jeremy calls me up saying that my friend megan messaged him and stuff and he was confused about all of this. and i then later talked to him online and told him i don't know a megan. but then we got it sorted out and i realized it was this megan girl i always hear about but don't know! now, how the hell did she figure out that there jeremy i had been speaking of this whole time in my blog is the same jeremy that she's been hunting down? that's fucking weird. he thinks it's weird too. i went and read her blog. her entries are long like mine but i read a few posts. apparently she got his digits and thinks he's hot and stuff. she's right. he's cute. but how the fuck did she connect the two? cuz like i never used jeremy's last name. i only ever made references to him with andy. so unless she just assumed he was the same one, i don't get it. anyway, i told my roommates this and lo was like, "yeah she knows a lot about everyone. a lot about us. she must have this place bugged!" haha anyway, it's just fucking weird. but i refuse to keep shit annonymous on here cuz it's lame. surely it helps to literally deny things later, but really. who are we kidding? if u know me then you're gonna know who the hell i'm talking about whether i use names or not!

i've been listening to david gray sooo much lately. he's just so soothing. i sorta get like this. i get into ruts with cds and i listen to them over and over and over. currently it's all about david gray. it's playing right now. anyway, i think i wanna just say some stuff about how i feel. i think i've seen dylan too much lately. i mean hell, he's been here since tuesday evening! i just took him home a couple hours ago. i think i need a break. he's going home to riverside today. so that's good. but just overall, i think i need a break. cuz seeing him a lot sorta upsets me. i mean when we were semi-dating and then it ended, i was hurt. it hurt me. but then the week after that we had sex and all of a sudden i was totally cool. everything was fine. then the whole guitar boy mess came and that was just insane. mixed in with me and dylan hooking up again. then i felt just horrible that i had let my life get so out of hand like that. i hated that fact that i was beginning to think so irrationally. and so i got a grip on it all and now i think i'm fine. the whole crazy, go wild period is over. so i think i know what dylan meant when he said that happened to him for a few weeks. cuz it happened to me for about that much time too. anyway, at the same time as that, i began to have issues with just the protocol of my relationship with dylan. cuz we were supposed to be "friends." but friends don't usually fuck. and we did. so everytime he came with us partying, i had no idea what was going to happen. usually i thought he would hook up with some girl. but then there he was. coming back to my house. so then i'd think that we were gonna hook up. but we didn't. and it wasn't just me who thought that. it was my whole house. they would ask me the next day what was going on. some weren't even aware that dylan had slept on the couch. and those that were aware were like "what the hell jen?" i could only reply with "well, we are just friends." but i think they figured it was just more than that. and i guess in a way i thought that too. not always, but in those situations. and so it brings me back to the whole protocol issue. i never knew, and still don't really know, what to do about dylan. i mean, tuesday night, he came back with us. slept on the couch. last nite we went out partying (man did i get drunk fast and easily!) and he came back here and again, slept on the couch. now, i have one thought about this which is that perhaps he's sorta like physically distancing himself from me since in a couple weeks he won't even be in LA anymore. and that makes sense. or he just doesn't want to hook up anymore! however, he's still around. and don't get me wrong. dylan is great. i love having him around. he's a fun guy. but it's sorta making me sad again. and i'm not sure how i really like that. once june hits he'll rarely be here which i guess is good. that way i can really get him out of my mind in that way. i mean, the way i finally got over dan was to literally stop talking to him for 2 weeks straight. that was hard as all hell, but it really helped. so maybe i need something like that with dylan. i hate doing that sort of shit cuz it's so weird and harsh. but like i dunno if i can handle this. i mean seeing him so often hurts. i dunno. i have to figure out everything. it's all so mucky in my brain right now. all i know is that i'm confused. "please forgive me if i act a little strange, for i know not what i do."

please forgive me (half a mind)
- david gray

please forgive me
if i act a little strange
for i know not what i do.
feels like lightning running through my veins
every time i look at you
every time i look at you

help me out here
all my words are falling short
and there's so much i want to say
want to tell you just how good it feels
when you look at me that way
when you look at me that way

throw a stone and watch the ripples flow
moving out across the bay
like a stone i fall into your eyes
deep into some mystery
deep into that mystery

i got half a mind to scream out loud
i got half a mind to die
so i won't ever have to lose you girl
won't ever have to say goodbye
i won't ever have to lie
won't ever have to say goodbye

yeah na na na na
yeah na na na na

please forgive me
if i act a little strange
for i know not what i do
it's like my head is filled with lightning girl
every time i look at you
every time i look at you
every time i look at you
every time i look at you

the happiest place on earth! that's where i just came from. but before i can talk about my disneyland trip today, i gotta talk about last nite. oh boy was i drunk! and i broke out the good ole "dickhunter" shirt. didn't find any dick tho. haha anyway, we had a bunch of ppl come over here and pre-party. and i drank enough to get bright fucking red! oh man was it bad. i was so drunk. we all first went to providence. and on the way andy called my cell fone. he was asking where i was going and i told him but it was really vague. and then ky took the fone from me and hung up on him cuz she thought he could be bad news. whatever. i don't want to hook up with him so it doesn't matter. so we went to providence and it was a decent party. we saw drew there. and he is friends with carr wheat who lives down the hall from emily. carr is sorta cute but he's a drama kid. whatever. both carr and drew really liked my shirt and said i should market it. haha there were a lot of recognizable faces there but not too many people i cared to talk with. but we were there a while. drinking. i was getting even more drunk. god! then we rounded up a huge crew and went over to the party on 29th. that was a big party too. apparently it was lambda chi ppl. i don't really know. there were some cute boys there. andy and jeremy showed up but i only spoke to them for a brief moment. i think andy knows i don't want to hook up with him cuz the way he's been talking to me on AIM has been dif. and since i told jeremy everything, i bet jeremy told him. that's cool. i don't have to do the work! anyway, hotboy was there. he said hi and commented on my shirt. lots of people did actually. there was this cute boy standing around who reminded me of david from brighton. david being the "bridge" between james and dominic. the one i met on the twister board. anyway, this boy was named joshua. he was standing near me at first and i didn't say anything to him. i wasn't sure if he was that cute. he was an indie kid. wearing a tie and cardigan. skinny boy. anyway, he later comes up to me and reintroduces himself. i was so drunk i was like "joshua? like joshua tree!" how lame. anyway, we chatted for a bit. and he seemed quite cool. he's 22 and from portland. those portland kids. it's such the scene there. all the indie kids. straightedge. he's in a band. lived in NY for a bit. he seemed cool. but of course he doesn't go here. he was visiting his friend. and when his friend wanted to bail, he had to go. =( so no more convo with joshua. so then i mingled with ppl. i went with dylan outside to break bottles in the street. that was fun. then we were leaning on some random car and marissa was standing there commenting on how dylan's roommate mike is in her 290 class. then there was an awkward moment. cuz she said something like "jen is a very attractive girl isn't she?" and dylan agreed. and i was just standing there thinking "umm....ok. i'll just not respond to that."

now, i wanna go on a tangent for a moment with this. cuz i was thinking about this. first of all, i don't think i'm attractive. but even if i did, does it really matter? i suppose it would if i wanted to go my whole life hooking up with random people. but i don't. i want a relationship. and being attractive doesn't even seem to matter. cuz when i look at all the boys i've really liked. i mean the ones i honestly wanted to date. they all thought i was attractive. they all even thought i was a fun and nice person. but apparently being attractive and nice isn't enough. so since that doesn't seem to matter, who the fuck cares? and today at disneyland, walter said that he had read my poetry online and it was really depressing. he said that i shouldn't be so negative and rag on myself so much. but i snapped back at him by saying "well walter. i'm still single aren't i?" and it's true. i mean, everyone says this, that, and the other. but really, when we boil down to the cold hard facts, i'm single. plain and simple. so who cares if people do actually think i'm attractive. or fun. or nice. it's all pointless anyway. ok that's my tangent. back to the nite.

so after that awkward moment, i went back to the party. i had to pee at some point i recall, and decided to just walk home since it was so close and there would be no line for the bathroom at home. i called jeremy cuz he called me at some point, i don't remember when, and kyla hung up on him. so i called him back and left him a message of apology but i think it was long and convoluted. who knows. i was so shitfaced by then. so then after the 29th street party was getting broken up, we started rounding up the crew to go elsewhere. but the crew got split. ky had harrison and his black friends. i had dylan, jessica, blink chris and some others. so we all got separated for a bit and were linked by cell fones. then we were wandering the streets. converging and diverging it seemed. cuz we went into troy for the party there but that got broken up. row mike was being a bitch about something or other and me and ky didn't wanna deal with that. meanwhile, dylan called me cuz he got separated and was over at chez ronnee with rick and stuff. and then rick starts talking to me and is being a bitch cuz he thinks i don't know the fucking difference between my ass and where i am. he wants to talk to ky cuz i'm "too drunk." bollocks to that! i knew better where we were than ky. i have a much better sense of direction for the area around the school than she does. fucking hell! anyway, so we meet up with dylan and rick and then we take everyone back to orange:house. "everyone" isn't many ppl cuz we keep losing people. when we get home we all chill and watch tv. we watched this funny ass standup comedy by eddie izzard. oh man is that guy funny. i gotta watch that shit again. then we watched some soft-core porn. that was lame. it wasn't even interesting. then we all hit the hay. once again, the protocol thing occurred so i just straight up asked dylan if he wanted to sleep in my bed. he said no cuz it was already like 4am and we needed to get up early to go to disneyland. which brings us to today!

so disneyland is supposed to be the happiest place on earth. it would be much happier if it was open later and the rides weren't being renovated. splash mountain, big thunder mountain railroad, and it's a small world were all being renovated. poo! the day started with me waking up around 9 something totally hungover. i woke up dylan and let him shower first. then i showered. graig came over around 10:30. lo decided he couldn't afford to go which was sad. stupid dave, DA, walter, and their friend mike came over at 11 and we all got on the road. got to disneyland and the fun began. some highlights: we road indiana jones twice (first and last ride of the day), matterhorn twice, teacups twice, and space mountain 3 times in a row! now with the teacups, i thought i was gonna puke the second time cuz mike spinned that shit sooo fucking fast. oh my god! but it was fun. just had to take an aspirin afterward and drink a lot of water. with space mountain, the first time i sat next to walter and he held my hand the whole way. what a cute boy. awww walter. walter and DA are so cute. the "untouchables" kyla and i like to say. cuz we will never have them. anyway, i went the first time and was scared. closed my eyes a lot. ky did too. but then we went on it again. this time, me and ky in the same seat. holding hands. screaming. i had my eyes open the whole time. she still closed hers part way. then the last time we went, i sat next to dylan. i didn't hold his hand and i didn't close my eyes. good for me!! so we got better at it. the day was really fun. just so silly. i think i have great photos of it. on the ride home ky was sleeping. and when i got home i got my wagamama shirt in the mail. woohoo!! now we might go to a party. we'll see.

you're looking at a brand new "partner" of the starbucks coffee company. i got the hat and apron today. me and ky. we're gonna be working at the one over in the UV. i hope it'll be fun. they seem very nice and friendly there. i start on friday. the training begins. learning all the grande, non-fat, no whip cream, mocha latte lingo. oh man. anyway, partying tonight. good shit. i can't wait. i think we'll round up the crew and all get shit-faced. that sounds like fun. then tomorrow is disneyland. woo! let the good times begin...

i think my guitar boy worries are over. i chatted with jeremy online who was actually not acting immature. probably cuz he wasn't with andy! anyway, i explained to him why i don't want to have sex with andy and how they totally overwhelmed me and whatnot. altho i forgot to ask why he was always there when me and andy made out. that i didn't understand. i'll ask next time. anyway, he said that andy would in fact honestly have sex with me. he wasn't joking about that. whereas jeremy was. cuz he's only had sex with 3 girls and they were all girls he knew fairly well. he doesn't sleep around. so maybe all that bullshit about sex and no kissing and stuff was in fact all bullshit, joking around. cuz i certainly thought he was seriously about it all. he seemed to not be kidding. i told him how at first the novelty of it all seemed cool but then that wore off and i was left with myself going "what the fuck are you thinking jen? get a grip on life!" cuz it's true. i was totally like out of control in my brain. but now i've calmed it down. realized what's going on with my life. and all is well. i wonder if i could even be friends with jeremy. i wonder what he's actually like...without andy around. oh who knows. i have more random shit that i could blog. like about movies i wanna see and this music i'm listening to and whatnot. but whatever. i can't be bothered!

i'm sore. we worked out AND ran today. so that's two days in a row. i think my body might break. i'm not used to this. it was me, ky, and row mike. then we came home and ky made this awesome salad. sooo good! went to the ENT today. he told me my options of better breathing. for now i'm sticking to the nasal spray. might go ahead and get my nasal passage whatever-they-are-called's injected to shrink them. no surgery tho. that was an option but i don't want to do that. i couldn't go to the gyno today cuz the woman was doing surgery so they had to reschedule me. poo. i'll never get there!!

the tiramisu train has come to it's end! omg, me and ky were seriously insane. we were so on tonight. so in sync. so high and crazy. we worked out and ran today. and i bet that had something to do with it. and yes, i haven't run in so long but it felt great. let the workout summer begin!! =) anyway, then we made this tiramisu and decided to take it to our friends. so we made a sign that said "the tiramisu train" and we began our journey. the idea was to bring the tiramisu to our friends and have fun and be happy. they would then sign the sign and we'd take a foto of them with the tiramisu and my thumb in it. like the gnome in amelie! so we first went to DA, walter, and stupid dave's. turns out they were having a bunch of ppl over for cinco de mayo. making dinner at like 10:30 pm!! so we got a bunch of ppl in the foto and we gave them a slab of tiramisu and we were on our way. next stop, graig's. he was pleasantly surprised. that's where we picked up speed. we began to get really hyper and go really fast then. after him, we went to brandon's. that was a riot. we were going so fast for him. then we went to deanu's and james'. but james wasn't there. deanu was so chill for us. it was funny. then we went to harrison's and scared off his roommate. he made great facials tho. oh harrison! then we went to dylan's and woke him up. and i think i totally scared off his roommate mike. he must be thinking "no wonder dylan dumped her. she's a fucking loon!" haha cuz by that point we had this shit down to a tee. we were in and out so fast. well we had to be. cuz we woke him up and felt bad. but i think he appreciated our spontaneity and craziness. cuz it's dylan. and he is crazy sometimes too! =) then we went to emily's but she was sleeping. and then row mike's but he wasn't there. so last stop on the tiramisu train was jason's. he was a bit high but he liked our craziness. he got the last big piece of the tiramisu. then we came home. took one last photo with our sign and the fun is now over. man was it insane. so fun tho. it was like being santa claus and spreading the love one by one or something. if only i felt this high all the time. man would i get shit done. while we were driving we were dancing in our seats to the music. it was great. going down the 10 at like 90 miles an hour blasting "star guitar." good times! and just being totally in sync. man we had so much energy. look what running does to ya. i need to run more often. and we shall. we are getting on a regiment. it's great. this summer is gonna be insane. parties and fun. man. good shit! =)

i just used this funky machine at the gym called the abductor/adductor. it's so funny. it works out the groin area. it's in the corner of the gym. with good reason. it's sort of embarassing. ky and emily were making fun of me and how it's such good practice for sex! it's also like being in the stirups at the gyno. which reminds me, i'm going there tomorrow. lovely. maybe the lady can tell me why i don't get my period! it's been months now. i'm falling back into that horrible cycle. maybe it's time for some birth control again. regulate my system. who knows. me, row mike, ky and maybe emily will be running later tonight too. it's just all around working out! jason didn't come with us to the gym tho. he flaked. i like how we have this little workout crew going on. it's funny. =) keeps us occupied. maybe i'll try to start interning at vagrant now cuz i will be so bored otherwise. i think i'll email the guy tomorrow. man are my thoughts scattered!

dreams are weird. i think that they are just extensions of your real life. like you take what's going on in real life. garble it up with what u'd like to see happen in real life, or what you fear might happen in real life. and then you have a dream. anyway, i dreamt about bobby last nite. and joe. both were moving out here to LA. i think i dreamt that because i was chatting with this random guy who's moving to LA this month. he's just packing up and moving out here to try and work in the movie biz. and so i think that got all twisted in my brain to be that joe was moving here and that bobby had already moved here. now why those two boys i don't know. perhaps joe because i got my photos back recently of when he visited. and perhaps bobby because i'm going to visit kyle in GA this month and bobby lives there and i thought about him as well. or maybe cuz i was looking at photos yesterday with dylan and bobby was in them. who knows. anyway, basically the dream was two parts. first it was joe. he was driving down here. and he needed to find a place to live. and the only place he could find right away was 100 miles south on the I-5. that's like halfway to san diego. i think i dreamt that cuz i was writing an email to sarah about how i went to pop disaster in san diego and the I-5 traffic was bad. anyway, so joe was living down there and he had to commute everyday! then i was at school and ran into this girl in my cinema class named heather. i rarely talk to this girl but somehow we got to talking about boys and what she did last nite. and she told me that she's got the hots for this southern boy. and he's friends with craig. now i think i thought of the whole craig thing cuz "graig" sounds and is spelled so closely to "craig." anyway, so bobby walks by and heather points him out. and i'm like "holy shit. bobby buisson!" and she's like "u know him?" and so i go over to craig and he's like "oh my god, jen!" and we hug. and then i see bobby and i give him a hug and he's sorta shocked to see me. it's almost like a nervous shock. maybe he was scared i still like him. who knows. i find out that he's going to school out here now. grad school for film. the way he said he would when i met him. anyway, i can't remember the rest. but it was just weird to dream about him! today will be another lazy day. altho, me, ky, jason and emily are going to the gym at some point. other than that, lazy day. might get started on redesigning my website or something. who knows!

sitting in the dark. lights out. red light on. listening to david gray. writing in my real journal. recounting the guitar boy situation and my disenchantment. also noting how i need to talk to dylan about it all and just life in general and how i'm so glad we are friends. remembering something from last nite. right before he was going to pass out. we were standing in the living room and he said to me "jen. thanks for making my sophomore year so great." or something to that effect. then we hugged. i totally forgot he said that til now. and i'm so glad i remembered. cuz that really touches me. i feel the same way. i'm so glad that dylan is in my life. and he really has made my junior year great too. =) surely there was that bit of tension and sadness, but past that it's been great. i just had to blog that. cuz it meant something to me. i seriously turned on the computer to do this. and now i shall turn it off and sleep. this is one tired little girl.

i finished reading the archives of diesel sweeties. so now i'm totally ready for the daily comics that they will deliver all nicely to my outlook inbox. =) it's such a cute cartoon yet not. there are a lot of references to sex and there are like these two girls who are bi and stuff. and there is sex with robots. it's sorta odd. but i like it. anyway, me and ky went out to diddy riese. it was my idea. i just sorta wanted to get out. and at the same time i was craving something sweet. i talked to her about how i am digusted with my life. it's hard for me to explain it well but basically it's like recently i've been sorta acting without thinking. it's like when i saw that i could have two boys at the same time i totally went for it cuz it was there. and it seemed fun and like the right thing to do. and yet it's just ridiculous. like, just cuz it's there doesn't mean i have to go for it. and what's worse is that they aren't even what i want. i mean like, at first i thought i could just deal with making out with andy cuz there would be no commitment. and there isn't. which is great. but fuck, i can't handle him. he's too immature and annoying. i only really realized this today and yesterday. basically cuz i have been talking to him and seeing him too much. and jeremy isn't much different either. at least not when he's around andy. perhaps alone he's alright. who knows. whatever. i can't really handle this right now. thankfully jeremy is off at some rave and so andy is like alone. and even tho andy keeps messaging me, at least he's sorta helpless and i can just shine it off for now. what have i done? my god. i really want to talk to dylan about this. like what he did when he went apeshit and how he dealt with it. cuz i feel like this is all just a mess. and i'd rather clean the slate than be satisfied with random hookups with these boys. even tho lots of ppl do this sort of shit all the time, do i want to be one of those ppl? not really. i mean it seemed all fun at first. but like i dunno. i don't want to become this crazy girl addicted to sex and making out. and i don't want to be going after something just because it's easy and there. what's the point? why do that? to satisfy some silly urges? i mean we all have urges at times. but fuck, is it worth it? i dunno. i think i'm beginning to ramble now. and it's starting to become circular, nonsensical talk. i need to reevaluate my thoughts and see how i feel about all of this tomorrow. and also talk to dylan. although i don't want to call now cuz i think it's too late.

still haven't done a damned thing today! i took a slight nap earlier. i'm reading all the archives of this comic strip online called diesel sweeties. i think it's funny in it's own way. here are the cast of characters. i love how they are drawn all pixelated!

anyway, i feel sort of disgusted with my life right now. not everything but basically just the boy situation. dylan sort of like kick-started me into this life of corruption. haha and i talked to him about that. he said that it sort of happened to him like that too. he was corrupted and when totally apeshit and then calmed down. and i almost feel like i've been corrupted and gone totally apeshit in the past few weeks. how did i let my life go astray? goodness fucking gracious. i totally love dylan for like helping me grow and open my eyes and whatnot. but man have i gone nuts lately. it may not totally seem that way, but u don't know what goes on inside my head. eeesh....the guitar boys called me today. i sort of assumed they would. i realize that they are just so immature. andy in particular. he's younger too. so i guess that makes sense. but jeremy i like 22. so he's just stooping down to andy's level! regardless, i don't know if i can hook up with them anymore. cuz it's just become ridiculous. like at first it was fun. two boys at the same time. but when u can't even stand one of them talking because his voice annoys the fuck out of u, then really, is this working out? not really. anyway, they said they would call me later. i don't even know how i will deal with this. i'll just play it by ear.

on a different note. i want to redesign my websites now that i have nothing to do. i have to first think of new layouts. then get cracking on the code. it's so tedious but my sites need revamping. they are too dull now i think.

i haven't done a damned thing all day. i showered and that's about it. i'm still sitting here in my robe. hours later! man o man the laziness is setting in. row mike showed kyla the fotos from one of the parties we went to last nite. they had a digicam and took fotos. i checked them out. here are a select few i liked. the one of me and jason is funny cuz we look like we are in love or something. and row mike. what the hell is he making that face for???

anyway, i was thinking more about last nite and how i think i want to discuss protocal with dylan more. not that we can really do anything about it. cuz everything is typically go with the flow and whatever happens happens. but like for example, should i have offered for him to sleep in my bed? i mean i would gladly have done so, but then would he have thought that i wanted to hook up with him. again, gladly would have done that too. but i'm just always so unsure of what to do. i mean i never know what he's thinking. he only knows what i'm thinking if it's in this blog. haha but like when it comes to party situations i just never know. i mean like the day he came over to watch almost famous. i didn't know if he wanted to hook up. i never know. i mean he might not know either. and that's part of the problem with ever trying to have any sort of system to clue each other in. but i think i just want to tell him what i'm thinking. just that i realize there is this uncertainty that i wish wasn't there but really probably can't be helped. c'est la vie! =)

a real night's rest for once. i don't know when the last time it was that i got that. cuz let's see. dylan was here monday night. tuesday i was up late writing my paper. wednesday i didn't really sleep because of my final on thursday. thursday the guitar boys were here. so yes, last nite. a real night's sleep. it was weird. i slept naked though just for the hell of it! it's really like free and liberating. i am getting used to it. i might do it more often. =) last nite was insane. we went to this party on catalina street. it was actually a good party. it was just SOOOO far away. up past ralphs! we had a HUGE crowd with us too. dylan came out with us and i thought he was gonna hook up with this chick that i recognized from the orange:house photos. but he came back here. whatever. he slept upstairs. this morning i took a foto of him. so now the first two fotos on this roll are of jeremy on our couch and dylan on our couch. lawrence was like "jen. that's dylan right? why is he sleeping up here? did u guys have a fight?" and i told him, "no we didn't have a fight. we are just friends. remember?" he then thought that perhaps the guitar boys were here last night and that dylan had to sleep upstairs. no no. that would have been a mess tho. they were on the beach somewhere and wanted me to drive out there. like i can drive when i'm drunk. please! anyway, dylan chilled here for a bit once he woke up. that was odd. it was cool tho. it was just weird cuz i'm used to him like waking up with me. and then just like leaving right away. but this time he chilled. watched tv. i wonder what we're all doing tonight. it's so great to have no school. we can just fuck around and do whatever. i love it! =)

so i have done nothing terribly productive today. i just got back from emily's. i'm redying my hair and then we are going to mccormicks to have food and stuff. i ran into brian, josh, and pat on campus earlier and chilled with them a bit. then as i walked home, i saw andy skating. so i went and talked to him. he was with jeremy's neighbor, mortiva or whatever his name is. so i chilled with them a bit. then went to emily's. then andy and the guy came to emily's since andy and emily are neighbors. that was weird. andy is a weird boy. and so is jeremy. they are both weird. if they weren't cute i would have no part in this at all. cuz i can't stand andy's voice first of all. ugh! and i thought that making out meant not too much talking. i was wrong. i just wanted him to shut up! oh well. whatever. anyway, i can't wait to make vanilla milkshakes tonight with alcohol. cuz i bought this really yummy vanilla shake stuff from costco. and i'm gonna add some alcohol to it. yummy!!

i just did my sheets and made my bed and now it's a fucking mess. it probably smells of both the guitar boys. goodness fucking gracious! last nite andy called and basically said if i wanted to hook up to call him. but i wasn't sure if i wanted to. then i suggested to ky that we take shots to celebrate finals being over for us. so we did that. 3 shots of vodka. and we were wasted. then i called andy and he was with jeremy of course! he said he would call me later. so then me and ky laid around the house with rick and watched eyes wide shut. that sorta creeped me out while i was drunk. i passed out for a bit and then rick and i woke up and went to our respective rooms. i was all ready to go to bed. retainers and all. and then my fone rings. it's andy! he's with jeremy and some other character named dan. they come over here. all 3 of them. and i'm thinking, "what the fuck? THREE boys!" but this dan character isn't too cute. they all come to my room immediately. andy and jeremy are drunk. jeremy plops down on my bed and andy goes right for me. that's how i can tell he's drunk. cuz i don't think he would be so physically forward. then they are telling me to kiss this dan character because he hasn't been kissed in like 2 years or something. but i don't want to kiss him. he's not cute and i don't know him! he gives me a quicky massage tho. =) then jeremy and dan leave my room to try to find my other girl roommate -- ie. kyla. but of course that is an unwise decision AND they don't know which room she's in. i hear footsteps up the stairs. then like 10 min later the front door closes. meanwhile i'm with andy in my room. we're making out but he wants to have sex and i'm sorta like not sure i want to. anyway, a little while after that, i realize that i'm missing 2 pillows. i immediately assume jeremy took them with him. but then i thought that perhaps he might have put them upstairs. so i put my blanket around me and i go up there. only to find that jeremy is passed out upstairs. so i go and get my camera and take a foto of him. then i tell andy that jeremy is up there and we go up there and fuck with him. and then he comes back down to my room. and so they are both in my room. nothing happens with jeremy tho cuz he's basically passed out cuz he's drunk and high. after a bit, i realize that this is going to be an uncomfortable night because of the way that we are all positioned on the bed. so i get them all to lay properly. jeremy on the inside. andy on the outside. me in the middle. it was so weird. andy was good about it all and sorta kept to himself after we made out a bit. but jeremy. holy crap does that boy move in his sleep! he kept like half laying on me all night. i was so trapped in the middle. it was odd. whatever. they finally got up around 11am or so. that was totally random. but man, those boys. i have no idea about them.

i think dylan made me a little sick. my body aches ALL over. =( i wish i could get a full body massage. that would be heavenly. =) anyway, i just finished being lazy on the couch. watched random tv. the old batman series, ER, and the last half of forrest gump. man that is a good movie. tom hanks is great in it. i would marry tom hanks. he's just so cool and such marriage material. =)

so i'm chatting with andy's roommate now cuz he was on andy's AIM screenname. he knows all about me. he has a no kissing policy as well. weirdos! anyway, we are discussing the threesome and the guitar boys' sexual orientation. he believes that they could be gay. how funny. and andy's buddy icon is a fucking carebear!!! that screams gay as well. or intense nostalgia for the kiddie cartoons. the girlie ones! goodness fucking gracious.

I'M DONE!!!

thank fucking god. finals are OVER! of course now i need everyone to pray for a miracle for me that i passed finance. cuz i'm sooooo scared that i didn't. but it's over and i can't do a damned think about it. so i'm gonna go shopping now! woohoo! i think i'm gonna break down and buy a pair of diesel jeans. as long as they are no more than like $80. i bought my ticket to disneyland. yay! i can't wait to go. =) oh and this morning i got a call from my AT&T credit card. typically they want to sell me shit. but this time they were calling to make sure that someone didn't steal my card and use it. cuz they got my charge to wagamama which is out of the country and so they got scared that maybe someone stole my card and went off to europe or something. i was very pleased with that service. the fact that they called to ensure that i made that "random" purchase. very good AT&T. cheers to u! ok time to go shopping. yay!

i dreamt that dan as back and we were playing some ridiculously funy computer game. it made no sense. oh dan. i can't wait for him to return! finance in 4 hrs. =(

the importance of pre-rinsing....you don't realize it until the dishes have completely piled up in the sink. there is no room in the dish washer. and there is no dish detergent! this is exactly what happened here at orange:house. we literally used up all the dishes, silverware, cups, etc we had because we had no more dish detergent. the sink piled up with dirty dishes to the point where you could barely wash your hands. i should have taken a photo. that shit was classic! lo said he'd buy some dish detergent for the washer since we were out. but he said that the other day and yet there was still none. so michael went out and bought some on the condition that i would do the dishes throughout the nite as i was studying. so that's what i'm doing. i'm on the second round of them and the kitchen still stinks and there are still more dishes to be done. and people need to learn the importance of pre-rinsing. because there is some nasty shit stuck on the plates that would have come off so easily had the people just rinsed it beforehand. now it involves scraping and whatnot to get it off. but no one cares and my cries are in vain! i think i might officially be up for the rest of the nite/morning to study for finance. i took a "nap" a little earlier. sad to think that i won't get to sleep til potentially like 1pm or so. =( i got an IM from someone that i'm going to venture is andy. i bet jeremy told him how i messaged him randomly and then gave him my AIM name. who knows. like i said, those boys are weird. anyway, my exam is in 7 hours. sad but true. i NEED to pass.

who the hell fucks with NO fourplay at all? jeremy! pssst....he's weird. pass it on...

ok let's examine the facts here:
- he calls andy all the time
- they both hang out a lot
- he has dyed bits in his hair
- his voice isn't very deep
- he doesn't like any fourplay
- he has no girlfriend
- doesn't like when girls like him
- doesn't want girls to call him
- doesn't call girls back

i mean really. we can make a decent argument here that he's gay/bi/ambiguous. and what boy wants to have a threesome with another guy??? this is all highly suspicious if u ask me! =P

"free ice cream night" at baskin robbins!! woohoo. me and ky went. i had a discussion with her about hooking up and whatnot. i am quite pleased with the situation between me and dylan. i feel very comfortable with him and he really wants to help me grow and learn and i just think that's great. yay dylan! =) on the sutdying note, the finance is coming along really slowly. =( i'll be up all night. i HATE finance. someone just shoot me now...

i think there is some weird gay love thing going on with these guitar boys. andy called me back and he told me how he's gonna meet jeremy at denny's. and how jeremy calls him all the time. maybe jeremy is secretly gay or bi! and he loves andy or something. weird! haha it's such a bizarre relationship i have with those boys. andy fully knows i dig jeremy and is egging me on to call him and shit. but he also wants me too. saying next time i need to be naked when he comes over. bullshit! haha oh man these boys are strange. very strange.

it's such a coincidence that i got in my car when i did. not only did i see wendi walking down the alley (i didn't say anything though cuz it would have been weird), but i heard this really good song on KROQ. and so i listened for who it was. jack johnson! the guy that jeremy and andy kept telling me about and i was always like "who the fuck is jack johnson?" he has this song called "flake" and i think it's really good. he sounds a lot like anthony keidis from RHCP. so now i'm gonna download it, and next time i talk to either of the guitar boys i'll eat my words on that one. ok, nap is over. time to study.

someone shoot me now! i have less than 23 hours to learn all this finance. all i need to do is pass. PLEASE let me pass. PLEASE!!! i just went to my teacher's agency to turn in the paper. his office isn't as nice as i was expecting. but still nice considering it's HIS! anyway, did that. saw some ppl from my class on my way out. now i'm back here and not ready to work. =( currently printing out sample exams. fun fun. *gag me* listening to kruer & dorfmeister. good shit. very soothing. the house is a huge mess right now. we are all under finals stress i suppose. the kitchen is chaos. so nasty. we signed our lease for the following year. i called andy and jeremy about getting my guitar book back and trying to sell my finance one. they weren't home. ok sample exams are all printed. time to get cracking! =(

done with the damned paper. it's not very good but i ow that in part to the fact that our teacher didn't make us read the whole book and so we missed out on a lot of lew wasserman's life. and if i had more time i'd have read more of the book to know more things to write about. but now that's come down to the wire like this, i have no time!! it's so late as it is. and i have yet to study for finance! for now it's time to take a little nap and then read some diesel sweeties: love and pixels comics to free my mind for a few minutes. =) then study for finance. go sign my lease for the house at 9:15am. then drive my ass over to my teacher's agency on sunset to turn in this paper. then continue studying for finance. slip in a shower somewhere. drink more coffee. study finance some more. call jeremy about trying to sell him my finance book. study finance some more. take some sort of nap at some point. and then finally take my finance exam at 11am on thursday, may 2nd. then scream "hallelujah!" and take a nap. =)

WHITE RABBITS!