relationships are all about commitment. wholehearted commitment to the person you are with. tonight i went out to a party with kyla, emily, and jessica. it was a decent-sized party for the summer. but it was horrendously imbalanced. let's just say...sausage fest! anyway, so i looked around and found that there was this one guy who i thought was really hot. now, he's not the kind of hot that most people think is hot. the model types. the pretty boys. no no. this boy was a punky looking rocker type. he basically reminded me of dominic. shall i describe? thin and about 5'9" with dyed black hair that spiked up. approximately 0 guage earrings. tattoos on his arms and neck. baggy pants with skater shoes. hmm...doesn't that sound like dominic? why i think so. anyway, so basically this guy was hot because of his style and such. strip him down to nothing and rid him of the tattoos, and we are looking at a normal looking guy. but because he had all that shit, he was hot. now, emily was like "just go talk to him for practice. cuz you have no pressure since you have dan." but as i considered this, i realized that this was pointless. why approach someone who most likely doesn't go to our school (if he did i'd have seen him by now i'm sure) when i'm already "dating" someone? i didn't see the point in talking to someone who i thought was hot when i have no goal. granted it's one thing to talk to people at parties and get to know them, but it's useless to talk to someone you think is really hot when you can't get with them no matter what. consequently, i didn't talk to the guy at all and just looked at him a shitload of times to the point where i'm sure he realized i was looking. anyway, my point on this matter is that i can definitely see how relationships can be hard. cuz everyone has the wandering eye. but it all comes down to whether or not you actually do wander. cuz it's perfectly human to see people you think are attractive. but if you don't act on it, then it doesn't matter. right? anyway, i hope dan is feeling better because he seemed quite down and out earlier tonight. =( i hope that i had nothing to do with that. and i hope he cheers up.

CHEER UP DAN!! =)

here is a photo of my feet. i thought it was funny and cute looking. i don't know a photo of my feet would cheer you up dan, but i can only try...

i also took a bunch of photos trying to get this right and it still looks funny. but whatever. i thought it would be fun to do. appreciate the effort at least. =)

i feel bad. cuz i've been with dan so much the past couple of days that i feel like i am neglecting everyone else around me. i don't want to do that! i don't know what time ky, jason, and emily are getting back from the farmer's market, but maybe ky, jason and i can do the whole dinner thing in SD that we have been planning for awhile. if not, hopefully soon. as that has been put off for far too long. but yes. i feel bad. i mean last nite kyla was working at starbucks so it wasn't like she could really do anything anyway. but when she got off she said she would possibly go out partying and call my cell. of course i wasn't out partying tho so that didn't work. and i don't know if she even tried. emily went to the party and i bet she's upset that i didn't go with her to keep her company. i usually do. we are a tag team on this shit. but i didn't go. and i feel bad. i don't feel bad for the boys really cuz they never really care if i'm around or not. cuz i'm a girl and i'm not essential to the party mix for them. so that's not a problem. and when i talked to rick just now, he was like "so you didn't come home last nite did you?" then he gave me a big grin. see, the guys think that sort of shit is good. so again, i worry not about them. nevertheless, i worry that i will get sucked into the one thing i said i'd never do. and that is to hang out entirely too much with the one u are dating. with dylan that did not happen. we only saw each other a couple days a week tops. but with dan, at least for the moment, i see him a couple times a day! i'm not growing more attached and negating what i said yesterday, because last nite i wasn't planning on spending the nite at his place at all. he asked if i wanted to see lilo & stitch with him and so we went and it was cute. then we went to mcdonald's drive thru and we had to eat somewhere. so we chose his place. i didn't actually think i'd sleep over. but he fell asleep so fast and my car was parking like a block and half away and i didn't want to walk out there by myself in this unknown neighborhood. so i just stayed the night. and little did i know that staying the night would mean staying til like 2pm today! anyway, i don't know whether i'll see him tonight or not. if i don't it wouldn't bother me at all. as i'm starting to think that if i did see him too much it might even bother me. i know it would eventually bother him. however, i do have this little wallet thing with his cards and such in it, so i think he'll need that back. silly boy, always drops things everywhere. this time it fell in the crack of my car. anyway, i should really shower and do something productive with my day. like get the haagen dazs gelato ice cream in tiramisu flavor. i've been wanting it for a long time now and can't find it at ralphs. they have like every flavor except that one! sheesh.

well, i was potentially gonna go to newport tonight to go drinking with tyler. but he never called me. and now i read in his blog that he's off to mexico. no wonder! punk! =P

i really like dan. he's great. granted he forgets things sometimes and isn't always on time, but other than that i really like him. i saw his new apt last nite. it's cute. him and eric each have their own rooms and bathrooms. i spent the night and brought my shit over there. shit being my PJ's, toothbrush, face cloth, and face wash. cuz the other night when he spent the night here, he slept with his contacts in which is like not a good thing to do. and so then i thought about that and about how heidi used to spend the night here with michael all the time. and she had her toothbrush and all that stuff. so then i thought, well if dan and i are gonna be spending the night at each other's places more often, why the hell not have that sort of shit available. so i brought my shit over there and i think he should do the same. or at least bring a toothbrush and stuff for contacts. anyway, so i spent the night and that was nice. it was super fucking hot for some reason which sucked. and i think that we both only got like maybe 4 or 5 hours of real sleep. the heat didn't help that. but it was still nice. i realized that i am not as attached as i thought i was. which is great. cuz the other day i got really scared that i was getting so attached that i wanted to see dan like all the time. and that scared me cuz even tho dan likes seeing me a lot, after awhile he'll probably feel smothered. and i was afraid that he was already feeling that way. he said that he wasn't and i believe him. but he also said that he doesn't mind being smothered in the beginning. so i was scared that down the line i would continue to be attached and then push him away cuz he would be bothered by me. but today after i took him to campus, i went to vagrant and had a great day. and i didn't feel like i needed to see him. and i don't feel that way now either. so i think those feelings the other day were just like initial shock to the whole situation. of course i'd like to see dan, but i don't need to. and i don't even think i'd want to sleep with him all the time either. cuz then that would just complicate life. we said that we didn't want to alter our lives really for a relationship. not that we didn't want to share things with each other and commit and whatnot, but that we didn't want to have to like change our schedules a lot and stuff. and i feel like when we sleep at each other's places, we do sorta lose our schedule. cuz we don't get as great sleep and we tend to never want to get out of bed. anyway, so i feel good about my revelation today. =) i also realized that this is the first time i've ever felt like everything was really pure. what i mean is like, first of all, i'm never really in relationships anyway. dylan was the closest thing to that in so long. the random making out with boys is totally not pure because the motives are completely physical and sexual. so dylan was the closest thing that could come to purity. but even that i feel was not really pure now. at least in comparison. i hate to compare so maybe i should just stop. but all i'm saying is that the way i see this thing with dan happening compared to the way it was happening with dylan are like TOTALLY different. and i think the main reason for that is that i know dan so much better than i knew dylan. just cuz i've known dan for so long. so it makes the base level of all of this different. anyway, i won't go any further. but i really like dan and i hope this lasts longer than we all expect it to.

dude. i scored bigtime today. i just got 3 new cd's and some samplers. i got the new sinch cd. got the sparta advance cd. and i got the dashboard cd which i already have so i'll prolly sell it to amoeba or something. sometimes universal comes through. that totally makes up for my boredness. =) and only 2hr and 45min to go!

thank fucking god my period is over. at least for now it is. the damned pill was fucking with my cycle since i just got on it again. i thought for sure i'd have my period for another week or so. but it seems to be god. hallelujah! omg, i'm so fucking antsy. u have no idea. i had some pretty interesting dreams during my nap and i think they got me all riled up now. man i want out here!!! i wanna see dan's new apt if he moved in. i guess i'll find out later.

omg. michael hasn't ended his yesterday and i am starting my today! i just woke up and found him talking outside to some girl on the steps. he hasn't even come home technically and gone to sleep for yesterday and i am up to start my today. that disgusts me so much. =(

hmmm...i have a lot of issues i need to sort out. a lot of things i need to deal with. and i CANNOT let myself get too attached. or else it'll just be the end of me. i can see it now. it won't be pretty. i don't think i even want to blog about this. cuz i feel like it's pointless to tell the world all this shit. i already talked to dan about it and that's all that really matters. he's really the only one that needs to know what i'm thinking about this stuff. so yeah. moving on...i went out with lorden. went to his house in beverly hills. nice place. met his mother. we decided neither of us were that hungry so we just went to the coffee bean. i got a muffin and an ice blended. the man was so nice and gave me it all for FREE! first he wasn't gonna charge me for the drink. i'm not sure why. maybe cuz i was chatting with him about how i worked at starbucks and we were building good rapport. but then i wanted to use my ATM card to pay for the muffin and the system wasn't working. so he just didn't charge me for that either! how nice of him. =) anyway, lorden is cool. we chatted about all sorts of stuff and at the end we were talking about relationships. he is single right now. got out of a messy situation last semester. i told him that i am always single but that i was dating someone last semester and that ended. and now i am sorta dating my friend but we haven't labeled ourselves. so that coupled with my flakiness should be enough to avert any sort of potential advances on his part. =)

holy fucking shit. i just realized something. i'm dating dan. i mean we haven't labeled it but that's basically what's going on. and he was the guy that i made the proclamation, "i will break up with anyone to be with him." whoa. this just dawned on me in this light. i mean obviously i haven't been dead recently and physically know what's going on. but i just never thought of it like that. i think i realized it when i talked to jason just now who was like "so what's the deal with u and dan? are u dating?" and he congratulated me and said how huge this is. cuz it's been such a long time coming. that's when i realized all of this. so weird.

anyway, today was a good day. =) first of all, dan was over here last nite. that was nice. and then i went to vagrant today and it was cool. me and laura picked up rob at the airport. rob being one of the members of the band koufax. that was cool. then we went and got in and out. came back and made a few calls and sent some posters off. then that was about it. the fact that i didn't get tickets to see weezer bums me out, but i'll go see dashboard in san diego in august so that'll be sweet. small little bar and restaurant venue place. that'll rock. i might get on the guest list but i'm not sure. so i'll just buy a ticket to make sure. they aren't that expensive. dashboard is also filimg their next video this sunday at the el rey theatre. so i think i'll go to that. apparently he'll do a show for the fans after the shoot is over, time permitting. also, since we picked up rob from koufax, i found out that the hey mercedes tour will be doing an LA date. cuz koufax is touring with them and he was on the fone with one of the members of hey mercedes and he told us that they will probably be playing at the troubadour on july 29th. so i'll go to that show. i'm stoked. today was just great. all this good news and just good stuff. oh, i also got my incubus morning view sessions dvd in the mail today too!

i miss dan. this is no good. attachment is definitely beginning. =(

i'm gonna be late to vagrant. oh well. at least they don't really know exactly what time i should get there. and it's all slave labor anyway. dan is making me late cuz he is coming over to get his keys which he left here this morning. but i guess it's all about the same really. cuz i made him late to work. well, i didn't FORCE him to be late. that was technically his own doing. but whatever. i had a part in that. =) minority report was good but not as good as i expected. it didn't seem like spielberg film at all. oh well. today i'm supposed to have dinner with lorden or something. whatever. let's just get this over with. haha

someone shoot me now. or do something to wake me from this boredom!! soon enough i'll get pizza to eat and then listen to some speaker who will be half interesting and half putting me to sleep i'm sure. then i'll be heckled for not going to the kareoke thing which will make me feel guilty. but ultimately i just really don't like kareoking. if they were going elsewhere i'd probably go. but i just hate kareoking. and then they will want me to sing and before u know it, i'll be miserable. i can see it now. so might as well avert all of that to begin with and just see minority report with dan.

i'm once again tired. i woke up early to go to cypress to the olympus repair center. i found out that it was just my battery. how dumb am i. apparently i left the camera slightly on. so it died. then when i tried to use AA batteries it didn't work. that's cuz regular AA's aren't strong enough. so yeah. the woman gave me two new batteries but i need to get some rechargable AA's. the kind that work. the stronger kind. after i went there, i had extra time before going to universal. so i went to amoeba music. it's always the death of me. =( i got dashboard's first full length cd, swiss army romance. jimmy eat world's clarity, furtehr seems forever's the moon is down, the new amsterdam's para toda vida, and a random cd. cuz i always buy at least one random cheap cd. just in case you didn't know, further seems forever is chris carraba's (from dashboard) first band. it's basically dashboard type music but with more instruments. so the way dashboard will be in the future now that it's a band! haha and the new amsterdam's is a mellow sounding band with matt pryor (from the get up kids) doing the vocals. anyway, i'm not sure i want to kareoke tonight. i feel the pressure to go but i can't drink cuz i gotta drive home and i don't like to sing. so i dunno. we'll see. i'm tired too. so yeah. i might miss out on the universal intern bonding. haha but do i care? i'm not sure. there are some cool ppl here, but some just seem like dicks. there is one cool chick named gaby. she's a graphic design major at pepperdine. she's cool. and there are a couple cool guys. most ppl i don't know and don't care to know. so is it worth it to go? what do you guys think. i have til 6:30 pm to decide.

hmm...first of all. we need to get in sync. it's not horrible but i can tell that there are differences in style. it shouldn't be a problem. his lips are funny feeling. like they are really smooth or round or something. i cannot figure out what i mean, but i noticed it right away. it's strange. not bad strange. just different. =) and i'm not used to guys who are so big. cuz most people i have made out with in my life haven't been that tall. they've all been pretty thin, just not tall. and dan is like REALLY tall! so it's totally different for me. but eh. i don't care. =) he has a midterm today which really sucks for him. i hope i didn't disrupt his studying too much. i have to go to cypress today to get my digital camera repaired. poop. i hope there isn't much traffic. oh, and the lady from the westwood college called me about my inquiry into the graphics design/web design degree there. how exciting. she was really nice. said she'll send out some info for me to look at. then i'll go in to talk to her. who knows, next year i might be going there for a year to get an associate's degree.

uh oh. i think the attachment is beginning already....

omg i'm sooo tired. i swear i won't make it through this day. my nap sucked this afternoon and staying up so late kicked my ass. bad jen. bad. dan apologized for keeping me up so late with the movie but really it was all me cuz i totally could have said no. but i wanted him to come over. so yeah. oh dear me. dan. i feel like i might start liking him too much. i already like him a lot and this could just get worse. i mean it could be a good thing. but if he decides this dating thing is no good, i can see lots of potential heartbreak for me. =( but i guess i won't think about that now and just go with the flow. i can't wait to see his new apt. and his queen sized bed! =)

alright. so despite the fact that nancy didn't show up on time, the day is going well. i'm super tired from last nite but it's been a good day so far. basically i got home and changed and went to bed only to be called about 10 min later by nancy asking me to come back in. so i got changed again and got to starbucks around 6am. i'm gonna get paid for the hours that i was supposed to be working. so i did my pastry case which looked damn good cuz i got more pastries in today since i paid closer attn to the way james does it. anyway, it was a good day cuz all my favorites came in today. well, most of them. brenda came in and got her grande, sugar free vanilla, extra hot, latte. shon came in and got her grande white chocolate mocha; no butter croisant. brad came in and got his grande iced americano in a venti cup. the man who i see all the time that gets a venti drip and then later gets a refill came in. i saw him on campus the other day so i asked him if he works there and sure enough he's a tech guy for the chemistry dept. the woman who always gets a tall mild coffee came in. john came in and got his 6 shot iced espresso. damn that's strong! the heavy set man who always get the LA times and a coffee and pastry came in. the first man to ever introduce himself to me eons ago -- christopher -- came in. he's got that cute british accent and calls me love. we chatted. he got his grande breve latte. and we don't charge him for the breve cuz he's such a good customer. then the slew of people that always get coffee of the day's came in. i don't know their names cuz they don't tell them to me, but i know they get COD's. like the man who's there at 5:30 every morning to get two venti drips. oh and pae came in and got his 2 grande coffees and a grande hot chocolate. emily from my business/cinema major came in as usual and got whatever she gets. i can't remember actually. lindsey came in and i think she's barry's girlfriend. and then my hot dental frat neighbor came in. and he came right when emily came in. so i asked him if he lived in the dental frat and he said he did. i said that i live next door and see him playing basketball with the other guys sometimes. he said he hoped he wasn't bothering us. but then emily and kristy (who works at starbucks and is cool to talk to) teased me about watching my neighbor and such and then it was just all cute. oh and an old man asked if i would marry him! haha that was cute. so yeah. good day. not too too busy. called lorden just now. having dinner with him on wednesday. we finally set a date. no place and no specific time. just when i get off work. so that's good. so today is looking up and now i shall nap and then wake up for universal.

oh my fucking god. i knew this would happen to me one day. i went to starbucks at 4:45am and no one showed up. i stayed til like 5:20 and then went to denny's to get pen and paper and leave a note. cuz i'll be damned if they think i wasn't there! but now they'll prolly call me in a couple hours wanting me to come in. fuck me i don't want to. they inconvenienced me. i was there. ready to work. well not really, cuz i was super tired from going to bed at like 12:30. but still!! ugh. i'm pissed. i could have kept sleeping!!! or i could have stayed up longer or something. dan could have stayed here. something. sheesh. not this! to boot, when i woke up, i poured a bowl of cereal only to find there was no fucking milk!! today does not look like it's gonna be a good day. =(

i can't help but think that life is just a bit weird and unpredictable. today is dylan's birthday and if u asked me a month or so ago, i'd have told u that i was definitely gonna see dylan for his birthday, no matter where he was -- LA or riverside. because i felt like i cared that much to actually go and find him and give him his gift and wish him a happy birthday in person. but the reality of the situation is, i'm here at home, typing about this on my blog. i haven't seen dylan is god knows how long. haven't spoken to him on the fone in at least a few weeks. and i called him at midnight to wish him a happy birthday....to his voicemail. yes indeed, life is not what you always think it will be. if you have been paying at least half attention to all my blog entries, AIM away messages, and profile changes in the past month or so, u'd see that i have definitely gone through a lot of mood swings. happiness to sadness, back to happiness again. and if u were to ask me or dan what the hell is going on btwn us, i bet neither of us could give u a straight answer. this is because it's always changing. just last sunday, i was talking to dan about us once again and he gave me a definitive answer that we will never date. yet here it is, just one week later, and now we are gonna see what happens and try this out. how unpredictable is that? i'm not saying it's a bad thing at all, but it definitely throws you for a loop, life it does. i mean, i haven't really really spoken to dan in a few days. i've called him here and there and we have chatted for a few, but he's been really busy with his project. so i don't even know what he's thinking. he always sounds happy that i called, but who knows. maybe he's given all of this more thought and has decided that his first response sounds better and we will in fact never date. or maybe not. who knows. i really want to do something with him today. but as the hours pass on, i become less and less hopeful that we will do anything. who knows. life is fuckin weird. that's all i have to say.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DYLAN! =)

if you're reading this at all today that is. i hope you liked our happy birthday song for u at the stroke of midnight. anyway, i just got back from starbucks. it was hard to wake up at like 8am on a sunday. that sucked. i was gonna visit dan last nite after we went partying but then i fell asleep mid AIM chat and when i awoke i was super tired and he was about to sleep. perhaps i can see him today altho i think he's busy shopping for stuff for his new apt. last night was funny cuz i came home after the first party (which was at creepy gabe's!! eewww....) to get a can of corn. i brought it with me to the next party and ppl were totally looking at me funny cuz i wasn't drinking but i was eating a can of corn! i didn't give a shit. i wanted corn. =P

541! that's how many licks it takes to get the center of a tootsie roll pop. i found out with my tootsie roll lick-o-meter. it's a silly contraption that counts how many licks it takes by pressing with ur tongue. anyway, time to party. it won't be that fun. i wish dan could come but he's still working on his project. poop. maybe i can visit him when i'm out and about. but i'm sure i shouldn't.

i'm home all alone! =( it's too hot to go running. maybe i'll redye my hair if i figure out what i want to do with it. poop. i hate being home alone. it's sad to think that everyone else is out having fun and i'm here alone.

i'm becoming a little fightened of the way i feel...

i just changed my desktop! everyone always says how i never change my desktop. so i finally did. it used to be the doisneau photo on the left but now it's the cover art (minus the band name and album title) for the new hey mercedes EP. i like it. the colors are really nice. and it's just like two ambiguous people sitting on folding chairs looking at some randomness. i like it.

i went to dinner with kyla and had a great salad! we went to sante la brea which is the place i took dan not that long ago. then we went to the coffee shop i saw when i was driving with dan that nite. the coffee place was cute and they have live music. so that was cool. it seemed very community-oriented. that was cool but made us feel like we didn't really belong there. hehe dan messaged me not too long ago saying sorry for not being available to do anything tonight. i totally understand cuz he has that project he NEEDS to finish. it sucks that we couldn't do something cuz i really wanted to either go mini golfing or see minority report. or both. maybe tomorrow we can do something. i feel like right now i can deal with my issues and get past them. but alas he is not here. oh well. c'est la vie, n'est-ce pas?

so now what? i thought about this off and on today. now what goes on btwn me and dan? i was thinking that we should do something tonight since it's like after we had yet another "talk." but he's busy so we prolly won't. i figure if we are gonna start anything up, what needs to be done is me getting over my intimacy issues and also pushing aside my risk factor fears. we need to do something like we always do. see what happens. make out. and deal with it. and then if it's all ok, then just go from there. and if that isn't ok, then it's never gonna work. that's my take on all of this. cuz essentially how we are now is how we'd be if we were dating anyway, except that we don't have a physical relationship and we have no commitment. and for us to be dating, those two things need to occur. other than that, it'd all be the same in my mind. so whatever. i'm not worried about this at all and i don't think dan is either. we've overanalyzed this thing to death and now it's time to just run on autopilot and see where it takes us.

on other notes. dylan's birthday is this sunday. will i see him? i need to give him his gift. i'm working on sunday so it might not work out too well. whatever. also, tyler's parents are going to catalina island for the summer next week. so he'll be partying in newport all summer and of course i am invited. i think it'll be fun. kyla will prolly come with me and i'm sure jessica will be there. so it should be good times.

the last song on my playlist is now playing and dan has just left my house...i don't particularly want to expose me or dan to the world on this thing. but i will say that there is no longer blame to place on either of us. uncertainty steps in and i am faced with decisions i never actually thought i'd have to face. what lies ahead is anyone's guess. but i'm ready for the ride, wherever it takes me. =)

at universal. can i first just make the comment that dan said he wouldn't read blogs anymore yet he's been reading mine! =P i don't care but i'm just pointing that out. ha! anyway, i won a give away thing today. i got the new fatboy slim cd -- "live on brighton beach." it's decent. i think it comes out next tuesday or something. i can't wait to leave here. it's been a long day. =( i'm tired.

guess who just called me? andy. dear fucking me. he's in town for the weekend. had to come back to do some shit to his car. he's working out in AZ for the summer but he's back and he just called me. i have a feeling i'll be hearing from him and jeremy this weekend. dear me. i can't visit tyler now cuz i am working too early sunday morning. and if i were to visit we'd go drinking and then i'd have to spend the night and i wouldn't make it back here in time to work. poop. oh well. some other time i suppose. dylan's birthday is sunday as well. will i see him so he can get his gift? who knows. maybe i can go mini golfing this weekend since last weekend was a bust. who knows. everything is who knows. it's all up in the air. now it's time to take a nap. i'm super tired.

so apparently next tuesday after work and the guest speaker night session at universal, a bunch of people are going to the citywalk to kareoke. we are all invited and i have a feeling it'll be crazy drunken kareoke. i recall once, gino asked how old we all were. so perhaps he was thinking ahead of this. and who can drink and whatnot. anyway, i'm not sure i'll go. depends on how i feel and who else goes. could be fun times and could be awkward times. we'll see. my back hurts and i need to sleep. and i need to stop eating. i think i'm getting fat. ugh, i hate having my period. when will this shit end!?!

i had a GREAT day today! first of all, i didn't have to wake up early. that's always a plus. then i took some brownies over to dan that i had made the night before. he's struggling with this project and so i thought he'd like some brownies. so i gave him some and he seemed to really enjoy them. then i went to work at vagrant and that was fun. i did various things including getting ppl's lunches which isn't really fun but breaks up the monotany of anything that i am doing. i talked a lot with the one girl laura. she's cool. we are both trying to figure out how we can get ourselves into the next dashboard video. or at least go to the shoot. this one guy jeremy that works there came over to us and chatted with us for a long time cuz he was bored and had nothing to do. that was fun. he's only 24. from boston. it was so hot in the office today cuz the AC wasn't working and so everyone was just dying. at one point, both rob and jeremy poured water over their heads. that was funny. i had to leave a bit early to get my ass over to SMC to go to the fucking orientation for the internship class. such bullshit. i was there sooo long! then i called dan on the way out of there and he was like "that's so weird cuz i just messaged you online." he just wanted to get some food with me when i got home. but i wasn't going straight home cuz i had to go to target and get tampons. yes, tampons. i *finally* broke down and tried one. cuz like kyla always raves about how much better they are than pads. but i was so anti-tampons cuz i was like "what if the string breaks?" or shit like that. and also i wasn't keen on the concept. but i didn't have to worry about it for like 6 months because of my irratic period schedule. but now that i have my period i decided to break down and try it. so i did. and she was right. they are great. so i had to go get some. so i went to target and there were so fucking many people there. i couldn't believe it. but then i came back and called dan and we went to chauno's. that was fun. i'm so fucking full tho. it's digusting. =( on our walk back he commented that he likes my hair, even when it's pulled back and even when i say how much i hate the way my hair looks. that made me happy. and he said he'd talk to me tomorrow which is sorta weird cuz he usually doesn't set a time frame of when we'll speak next. but whatever. we definitely have a weird friendship that's quite blurry. and i know it doesn't help me get over anything but wtf. it's fun. anyway, i was gonna go visit kyla at work tonight, but it's already like 10pm and i gotta sleep soon. i didn't expect to be at SMC so long! ugh. aside from SMC today was great! i hope i have another great day tomorrow even tho i have to wake up at 4am! i have yet to figure out what to do with my hair. i want to redye it somehow and cut it. but i'm in a quandry. poop.

there's this PM that works here named dale and he's gonna be a senior majoring in business at SC. so basically like me. and he likes the same type of music i like. everytime he hears me playing a vagrant band he's like "is that __________? yes? good job." it's so funny. i should tell him i intern at vagrant. he would be "proud." and no, no interest in him. 1) he's not my type. 2) he's got a gf anyway.

i don't give universal enough credit. i actually like it here. the people are nice and it's relatively chill. not like vagrant but what do i expect? this is a corporate place. but they give us stuff a lot actually. like they just gave out a VIP pass to see papa roach in store at best buy tonight. i'm not into that but you know, people that are into it, that's cool. the one security woman downstairs thinks i'm cool and unique. prolly cuz most ppl that come in don't have dyed red hair and buttons all over their bags. i'm done with the nascar campaign (i think) and am now working on a new one for the band atticus fault. they aren't bad. sorta like vertical horizon, 3eb, wallflowers, verve, zero 7, moby, radiohead, etc. sorta poppy at times. radio friendly. mellow. slight brit sound. it's a mix. i will like marketing this band. cuz i like the music. my job is to listen to the cd today and compile websites for bands related to them. ones that sound like their type of music. fans that would like atticus fault because they like stuff like them.

man do i have trouble sleeping in these days. i woke up a little before 8am today and i was so pissed. i think waking up at 4am two times a week strains my sleeping patterns. now i can't ever seem to sleep in straight. i wake up early and then have to make myself go back to sleep. ugh! anyway, last night with dan was fun. i thought about it some more and i realized that i had a great time just hanging out with him in my room. of course i wish there was more but at least i have what i have with him. =)

oh and my 128mb smart media card just came for my camera. woohoo! now i can go crazy with my camera! good stuff. oh, and i didn't go to the smc orientation for the internship class today. i was too tired. i'll go another day. that, plus i didn't meet up with lorden cuz he said that he had to go to berkeley today and won't be back til saturday or sunday. so we'll hang out then. so there was no reason for me to get up super early and go to the orientation.

dan just left. he came by earlier and we went to look at his new apt. but then his copy of the key didn't work and so he couldn't show it to me. sad. i'll just have to see it some other time. he knew that i wanted to talk to him so he asked if he should come over. so he did. and i attempted to explain myself and how i wanted our friendship to be the same as it was. that i didn't want him to stop being around me and stop staying here late and talking and stuff. it didn't come out very articulately, but he got the idea i think. but then we went into further discussion of how to get over this mess. we came to no solid conclusions of course. he said he'd help with whatever i needed to do. but we all know that what i'd like wouldn't help the situation. and if i pressured him enough he just might do it. at least in the past. now apparently he has his guard up to ensure these things don't happen. i told him how rick's advice was to just jump dan. and dan said that it probably would have worked since that's how he got into all those other fucked up relationships. the girl would just jump him. but i'd never do that cuz i'm too insecure. i told him that and about my intimacy issues and whatnot. my goodnight kiss problems. PDA's. etc. he agreed on that stuff. then we just started talking about random shit for a long time. that was followed by taking a couple photos that didn't come out very well. that was fun and silly. but then dan asked me if i knew what he had been thinking for the past 30 min or so. i didn't feel like answering that since i didn't want to sound dumb with my honest response. so i left that one in the air. after all, if i said what i thought and it was wrong, that would not help the situation in the slightest. so we let that all go and then i proceeded to ramble on about shit and keep him here for about another 30 min. i'm good at that it seems. then he finally left to go home and sleep. but as usual, he was here late. so at least that hasn't changed. the comfort level to allow that to occur. this won't be easy to get over him but at least i still have my good friend. cuz i was scared i had pushed him away last nite. and *that* made me sad. really sad. but in comparison to tyler's issues, i feel like my life is piddly. i mean, i complain about this shit when really it's not *that* big of a deal. he has greater issues at hand. he called me tonight and we chatted. it was nice. i hadn't talked to tyler in awhile. we need to hang out. sometime soon. perhaps this weekend or next or something. hopefully he'll be better since he's all sick right now. that sucks. i was sick not long ago and i HATED it. now i'm better but have other issues. so whatever. it's all never peachy keen.

the guy next to me, jason, smells good. turns out he's not mixed like i thought. he's totally asian. we are discussing music and he's listening to my cds. my vagrant ones! yay! spread the word about vagrant bands.

man an i out of it. super tired. i got off work at 9:30am and then went over to dan's cuz i had this grand plan to tell him more of how i feel. more reactions to our talk last nite. but then when i got there i felt weird about it since it was so early in the day and still light out. it seemed wrong to discuss such issues so early. so after about 10 min or more i left his place and came back here to sleep. at some point in the middle of my nap graig called me. i was so out of it i had no idea who it was or anything. he asked me a question which i remember not knowing the answer to. i was too tired. i still am. but i gotta shower and such and get my ass off to universal. maybe graig wanted to come over? he sounded mad or something. i have no idea. whatever. anyway, i'm not sure if i'll attempt to talk to dan tonight. i guess we'll see how i feel when i get home. it shouldn't wait too long and should be in person the way he gave me that curtesy last nite.

time to go to work after about 3 hours of sleep. last nite was not what i was expecting. dan called me to get dinner with him. i should have known he wanted to "talk." now i of course feel like shit. who wouldn't after getting only 3 hours of sleep and once again discussing the sensitive issues with the one u like. he asked me how it would be different to date one of your friends. aside from the physical realm. i said it really wouldn't be that different. and i think that if he and i ever dated it wouldn't be that different. basically it would be the same thing with a physical element added to it. i guess the key ingredient is commitment. there would be commitment involved. and that's one thing he isn't willing to provide. we cycled through the same things as i laid on my bed and he paced my room for about an hour. if i wasn't his friend he'd have rid of me long ago. or would have caved and dated me knowing it wouldn't work out. because he respects and cares about me he doesn't want to do that. i appreciate that but yet as i always say, it hurts. and he said that my feelings for him affect his for me. because him knowing that i like him so much makes him think about this issue. he wants me to stop liking him. he wants us both to move on. this is not as easy as flipping a flight switch and saying ok the lights are out. the engine's off. but i guess i must try to do that since he gave me a definite statement that we will never date. that was harsh. definite's are harsh. and he seemed to say at the end that he wouldn't be around that much anymore. and *that* hurt me. i don't want him to not be around. i like him being around. he said he wouldn't stay here til 2am anymore. things like that. i guess things that make the line blurry btwn us. but i liked how we had that sort of friendship. and now it's gone. and i fucked it up. it's easy for me to put the blame for all of this solely on him, but we all know that's not true. i am to blame as well. and now that it appears as tho i have more control of the situation than i thought, yes there definitely is part of me to blame. i HATE this so much. and i wish i could easily stop liking him. but it's not that simple and now i may have pushed away the one guy i've really really cared about in a long time.

so i went out alone driving hoping it would give me some space. clear my head. but it didn't. it didn't really do much other than help me get my errands done. i now no longer need conditioner or a camera case for my new camera. so that's good. but i'm still cloudy in the brain and have no idea how to get rid of this. i sound like a fucking moron who can't get her shit together. someone who is too damned pessimistic for her own good. but like i just don't know how to cheer myself up. and the idea of liking other boys doesn't seem to work cuz 1) what other boys? and 2) i still like dan. if there was another boy to like perhaps i could get over this dan thing for a bit. but i'm sure it'd ultimately come back to haunt me as it always does. so really, what's the use? where's the permanent fix? not the temporary one. cuz that one doesn't seem to work.

the world is out to get me. =(

so i just took those quizzes to see how similar i am to emily and jessica. for emily it said i am 78% similar and 69% complementary. for jessica i am 70% similar and 61% complementary. i guess that pessimistic nature makes me and emily more similar than me and jessica. but who the hell knows. these are those online quizzes after all. i'm curious to see if if would say the same thing if either one of them took "my quiz." would it have the same similarity percent? anyway, if you want, see how similar you are to me!

so i've been fucking around with my new digital camera lately. i really like it. it's so small and compact. it seems to be able to do a lot but i haven't figured it all out yet. bit i've been fiddling. walter, DA, and brian came over earlier. they fiddled with my camera as well. they took some really silly photos. this one on the right i thought was the silliest.

tonight was very boring for a saturday night. lorden called me but i didn't answer cuz of the caller ID. i didn't know how i'd say no to doing something with him tonight so i just figured there was no point in answering. we'll hang out on tuesday. much better for me. dan and i were gonna go miniature golfing tonight but then he fell asleep and it got to be too late. poo. we'll go tomorrow hopefully. man it's hot. i had to open a window. i hate the heat. and i hate the cold. basically i can't deal with extreme temperatures. i like everything to stay in the box of 50-75 F. that's a nice comfortable window. thats basically what san francisco is like most of the year. btwn those temps. damn LA and it's heat!! walter got me some pens from korea the way i asked him too. that made me happy. i hope tinna remembers to get me those cool two in one pen combos. those were neat. damn those asian pens. i just love them so! i fell asleep on the couch for a bit tonight. woke up to lethal weapon. i seem to fall asleep like that a lot these days. i'm always so damned tired. it's horrible. 2 internships and a job is hard on the body. that and boy stress...

ugh! i can't sleep right. i was having weird dreams last nite and i woke up several times this morning. i think i first woke up around 7am and then like every hour i just kept waking up. i hate that. ugh! now i feel tired yet its 11:30am! what should i do today? i wonder what other ppl are doing? i feel weird when i actually have free time. it's like foreign to me! ooooh, i wanna go miniature golfing soon. yes! that's what i want to do. oooh, gotta get on that shit. hehe

i think i'm becoming too emo. i just got back from seeing about a boy and it was a good movie and all. and i was feeling fine the whole time. but then when we were in the car, i just wanted to be somewhere totally different. i couldn't handle anyone in the car. rick especially. he was just not in the same place as me. he was too happy and just going on about things i couldn't give two shits about. eric wasn't talking so i didn't mind. there was the occasional snicker from james and dan was basically silent seeing as how he was the driver. i just didn't want to deal with people. but being that i gave up the front seat and opted to sit bitch because i was the smallest, i was inherently trapped in the car. and this i could not stand. not to mention i was just looking over at dan and thinking about how unhappy i was about it all. i started to become emotional actually but held it together because i was not about to cry in front of people. not randomly like that. sometimes i get these moments that i need to entertain with a nice good cry. but not in public. no sir. but now i am thankfully home and in the comforts of my own room where i may weep as i please.

my camera is here!!! yay! the olympus D-40. it's so cute and small. here is a photo of it.

so i was wrong. they weren't making margaritas. they were making daquiris. basically the same thing. they looked good. when i got back from the post office everyone was sorta drunk. it was great. i would have had some but then i was leaving so i couldn't be drinking and then going home that soon. if i had some sooner then it would have been cool. whatever. i love vagrant. i went to starbucks and they didn't make me pay cuz she knew i was a partner. that was rad. now i'm fiddling with my camera. might see about a boy tonight or something. we'll see. gotta call lorden too. altho i don't want to do anything with him. so if i already have plans then that will postpone us meeting til tuesday.

dude, they're making margarita's in the office! and hot rod is searching for ppl to smoke out with. and telling stories about random shit. it's great. i love vagrant!

oh man does my breath stink. onions! me and one other intern, laura (there are two laura's) went to in and out. we waited FOREVER! but it was worth it. i didn't have to go to starbucks today. yay! and no post office so far. who knows tho. there is still 1.5 hrs to go! back to the fone calls.

hot rod circuit is here today and the guitarist was sitting next to me talking about how he has these same chairs from target. they are here to film their new video and the drummer's drums are lost. it's a huge mess floating around the office now. sad. i;m hungry. need food. going to starbucks soon i think to get a muffin or something. gotta love the 30% discount!

i fell asleep on the couch. silly me. when i awoke, my roommates were watching the end of road trip. it looked silly. whatever. we went to el cholo when i got home from universal. they got margaritas and i got dinner. it was yummy and i was super full. gotta love that usc 50% discount. i have leftovers galore! and all for $7 with tax and tip. sweet! alison has her own blog now so i linked it on my about me page. good ole alison. she's quite a character. he and that pez. man o man. i think my digital camera shall come soon. i did a tracking on it and it's at the LA shipping center thingymabob. so it's only a matter of time. woohoo! u know what i'll be playing with this weekend. oh yes indeed. i talked to dan and if kyla doesn't get her act in gear to see about a boy, then dan and i will see it. yay! i called lorden and i think we might do something this weekend or have lunch on tuesday. we'll see. i need to figure out what to do with my hair too. i want to have it cut and redyed since it's getting all yucky. i just gotta figure out a style first. kyla is going to the vidal sassoon academy to get her hair done. i'll see how it looks and then act accordingly. man i'm tired. time to sleep.

i can't decide how i feel about this lollipop angela (the boss) gave me and the other people here. it's a mexican lollipop. it's cucumber with pepper. weird taste. it has a bit of kick to it and it does taste like cucumber. it's weird. it's an acquired taste i think. the more it sits in my mouth, the weirder it becomes. and now she just gave us big tymers bandanas. i dunno what i'll do with that either but i took one. a black one. i dunno how much longer i can deal with this lollipop. i think i might have to toss it soon. i'm really bored cuz i did over 400 emails and that's all my PM expects of me so i just want to do nothing but i still have another hour here!! =( yeah this lollipop's gotta go. it's giving me heartburn it seems. =P

gino came around and asked us all what cd we'd want right now from the universal collection. lots of ppl wanted boxcar racer. i already have that! and i got the new found glory cd for free the other day from here. so i looked at the wall and saw this band called rival schools. they have a cool logo. and this dude dale here raves about them. so i asked for that cd. i wonder if i'll get it. the ppl that wanted boxcar got theirs easily cuz it's new. i dunno about me and my rival schools. oh well. i'm gonna buy a shirt of them cuz it's cool looking. looks all old school. good stuff. comes in multiple colors. woohoo! there is this dude here who is sorta cute named jason. but he goes to SD state or something. so whatever. after the summer he's gone. and lorden called my cell before i got here. went to voicemail. oh dear. i have a feeling he thinks i might like him. i could be wrong but i dunno. oh dear. see, why can't this be dan? sheesh! but no, that's all complicated. my life is never simple. never.

i fucking HATE and i mean HATE when those telemarketers want to sell me shit. i furthermore hate when existing services such as credit cards and phone companies call me asking if i want other services. i got one of my credit card bills and saw that i had a "credit protector fee" of $1.19 on it. so i called the company and asked what that was all about and that i wanted that removed cuz i don't want credit protection shit. so i was transferred to that dept where a miss lindsey then tried to sell me on all the reasons i need to credit protection. in case i get married, divorced, have a child, go to college, lose my job, get hospitalized, relocate, etc, they will defer my bills for up to 3 months or something. all this BULLSHIT that i don't need. basically none of that shit applies to me. i won't be getting married, divorced, or having a child anytime soon. i don't own a home so relocation doesn't matter. if i lose my job it's not like that's what supports me anyway. cuz it's my parents still. i'm already in college so that is no life-changing thing. and if i get hospitalized, my insurance covers that. furthermore, if something actually happens to me where i can't seem to pay my bills cuz i'm incapacitated or whatever, my parents will just take care of it. i'm still a dependent! so basically i tell her this shit over and over and she says she'll send me a brochure on it and then if i don't want it i can call the toll-free #. but that's exactly what i don't want. cuz when this shit comes i don't read it. i just rip it up. cuz i don't have the time to read shit about new credit card functions. when they call me. i say no. cased closed. don't send me shit about it that i have to read and then cancel. that's prolly how i got this shit in the first place. so finally she said she wouldn't send the shit and she'd cancel me. next time those people call i'm not gonna be nice at all. i'm gonna make sure they fucking know i DO NOT want their service and i DO NOT want them sending me shit to look over. i'm sure i said no to them and they sent it anyway or something. ugh. i fucking hate that. and they supposedly monitor the calls sometimes for quality assurance. quality assurance my ass. if they did then they would see that i said NO to their shit so don't send it to me. ugh. i fucking hate that. gets me all angry!

i spilled coffee on my hand like 3 times today. it hurt like all fucking hell! =( i got my tips today. i think we get them every monday. i'm not sure. anyway, i got $15 this week. not bad considering i work like 10 hours a week and it is starbucks. dan gave me the idea that i should save my tips in a jar so that way by the end of the summer i can see how much i have accumulated and it will be a nice surprise. so i shall do that. see how much i get in tax-free money after one summer. walter and DA came in today which was cute. cuz the line was like super long and had i no idea they were there. then i looked up and there they were. right in front of my till. that made me happy. DA doesn't drink coffee so he didn't get anything. walter didn't know what to get so i told him to get a caramel macchiato since everyone gets those and they are probably the sweetest drink we have. unless you start creating your own. anyway, i have to go to universal at 3pm. oh joy of joys! i talked to that lorden guy last nite. i think we'll go to lunch next week or something. who knows. i don't want to give him the wrong impression. eeesh. but he's a nice guy. so i'd like to get to know him. i wish i was going to vagrant today instead of universal cuz i like vagrant so much more and it's so much closer. oh well. c'est la vie. time to take a nap. but first, an excerpt from the song saints and sailors by dashboard confessional:

this is where i say i've had enough
and no one should ever feel the way that i feel now.
a walking open wound,
a trophy display of bruises
and i don't believe that i'm getting any better.

i woke up at 2:02 am to the sound of kyla and rick having fun upstairs. i wanted to join in but knew i couldn't cuz i had to sleep to get up at 4 am. =( i still feel like shit from last nite. surprise, surprise. but my tiredness is overwhelming me at this moment. all i want to do is go back to sleep but i can't for another 5 hours. sad. i await dan's next reply but he will probably need time to consult his panel once more. so i wait in silence.

i don't feel like exposing myself or dan to the world. at least not dan. but he replied to my email i wrote a little while back. basically my pain will never go away. i want to say to myself "jen, what the fuck were you thinking? why did you start liking him again?" but i feel like that would be beating myself up too much. since even tho i could see the tendencies creeping back before he came back from vienna, it wasn't like i was really hardcore into liking him. not until HE started dropping the hints and things. that's what did it. so i blame him. yes, i blame him. and what sucks is that i am the one suffering. i mean, i'm the one here who is asking for answers. i'm the one who can't deal with this. he seems to be ok with it all. i mean not fine, but dealing with it better than me. probably because i want him so much and he is the one pushing away. i'm not sure how to deal with this. i guess time will be the only way to make the pain go away. or at least subdue it. but how much time? and the more i let this linger in my head, the more it takes to make it go away. i don't even know what i'm saying anymore. my brain is clogged up with emotions and all i want is for things to work out right. but i know they won't so my words are all in vain. it's like blowing smoke up your ass. pointless. screaming when there is no oxygen. hell, does that even make sense? i have no idea. i'm a pile of shit right now.

i'm at dan's right now. his computer is funky. anyway, my eyes are tired and dan is talking on the fone with his parents. so i can't leave til he gets off the fone but yet i was getting bored sitting alone in the living room. i got this long ass email from lorden. dear me. i hope i haven't given him the wrong idea. he seems cool and i want to get to know him but i have no intentions of dating him. whatever. he's calling me tonight. so we shall talk. dan gave me part of his grilled cheese sandwich. he wanted me to eat the whole thing cuz apparently he's getting pudgy. wtf? he's totally not fat. but whatever. i can't wait to get home and cook food since i haven't done that in sooooo long. been going out to eat or just not having enough time cuz i work so late. so this is exciting for me to make some food. anyway, all is the same with dan. why the hell would is change? only if there was some sort of miracle. which there never is for me. =( i went to starbucks with ryan at vagrant and we got a shitload of stuff. ryan seems sorta angry. like he has a lot of anger in him that he needs to get out. whatever. i like vagrant. they are so chill. tomorrow i work at starbucks at 4:45am. blah. and then universal from 3-8:30pm. man i get so tired these days. all this work. i can't wait for my digital camera to come. that will be super exciting. u know me and the fotos. i'm a loon!

i've called so many stores and said the same thing so many times that my brain is like on auto-pilot and i can't even think straight. it's like mush!

at vagrant. i love it here so much more than universal. so much more chill. there is a new intern that came in today and her name laura. so now there are two laura's who are interns. anyway, still doing my calling of stores in SD for stock checks. then gonna send off some promos. went to starbucks on my way here and got my markout coffee cuz they had verona there and that's the kind i really like. it's sweeter than the other coffees. still want to see about a boy sometime soon. if ky doesn't want to go, then perhaps i'll ask dan. or that lorden kid since i said we would hang out. man, there's this super cute kid here at vagrant. i'm not sure who's kid he is, but he's really cute. aww... i've also taken to drawing on my converse while i wait on the fones. dear me.

today will be the same as all the rest. go to work. be tired. think about dan. nothing will have changed. sad. hell, it already started off bad. there was no milk for the cereal. i hate when that happens!

i fell asleep really early and then i woke up at like 5am. now i'm listening to ringtones for my fone and looking up lunch boxes online. how random is that shit. i had to stay at universal late tonight cuz we had the first of our nite sessions where speakers from the company talk to us about stuff. i also found out that the guy i met at smc-- lorden -- who goes to SC and used to be in my major, can't intern at universal anymore cuz his summer school classes take too much time. how much does that blow? so i emailed him so we can keep in touch. he said he has been to a party at our house. how funny. we are known everywhere. it's great. i'm trying to make this thing that emily and i got the supplies for a little while back. i can't quite seem to understand the mechanics of it. i would ask dan except that i think i might give it to him when i'm finished. so that's a no go. dylan said he wants to take his altoid boxes back which is good cuz i dont want them around here anymore. and then he can get his bday gift too. it's not entirely done, but whatever. i can't be bothered with it anymore. he can do the rest dan said. haha anyway, i'm lame cuz it's 5:30am and i'm still awake. altho, so is rick. but it's rick...haha

at universal still. here tl 6:30. then we eat pizza and have a guest speaker til like 8:30. gino (the guy in charge) slightly changed my hours so i wouldn't have to wait for a computer. instead of coming in at 1 on tuesdays, i come in at 1:30. but then on thursdays i stay til 8:30 instead of 8. but for it, i got to pick any cd from the universal library -- which is HUGE! so i picked the newest saves the day cd -- "stay what you are." it used to be on vagrant but since interscope (which is under universal) owns about 50% of vagrant now, the cd is in universal's catalog. anyway, i also scored the new new found glory cd -- "sticks and stones." it's a promo copy. it's good. i just listened to it. been listening to a lot of dashboard and prolly depressing the fuck out of the ppl around me. ky and rick say i shouldn't listen to emo music cuz it's too sad. but mostly cuz they don't like it. haha whatever. it fits my mood.

ender will save us all
- dashboard confessional

it's just like you to contest
you wear it like a label on your breast
don't you see what this takes of me?
a certain callousness complies
with your charm and in your pride
a hopeful look draped in despise.

i want to give you
whatever you need.
what is it you need?
is it what i need?
i want to give you
whatever you need.
what is it you need?
is it within me?

it's hard to explain how i am getting by
on so little from you.
it's hard to believe that i would let myself
get so wrapped in you.
there's got to be something that would
be worthwhile for me to give to you.
we need a connection but you
seem to push me far away from you.

the harder i push the further i fall.
well you don't mind me being headstrong.
but you don't want to sing along.
maybe it's trite but i can always be wrong
try not to be wrong.

everyday i wake up and wish that today somehow, dan would change his mind. somehow there were be something that would go off in his head so he wouldn't be so indecisive about me. and everyday i realize that it's not gonna happen. it's just awful. i like call dan just about everyday too cuz i can't help it. i wanna talk to him and see him. i hope he isn't annoyed with my calling. i don't think he is, but who knows. this unrequited love shit is terrible. i've been through it before, but this has to be the worst case yet. i can't even foresee myself getting over dan until i find someone new to like. but that's hard when all i think about is dan. i don't even really look at other guys. ugh! it's just not fair. i am sick of having the same problems year in and year out. why can't i be with the guy i want for a change and have the problems that non-single people have. like bad sex or something. i dunno. just not the problem of getting the man. i've exhausted that. i know how that works. can't i move on to phase 2?

until i get more answers, i will be frustrated. but it's ok. i don't want to rush it. i am still sad but the sadness isn't overwhelming me since it's the weekday and i have lots of work to do everyday. but once the weekend rolls around i will be sad. i just wish the world would be good to me for once about this stuff. cuz it never is. never. i have momentary bits of fun and then it's just all bad. why can't for once in my life, i get the one boy i really really like? if i ever do get out of this rut, it's gonna take me forever! =(

i talked to my dad today for a bit. we talked about the digtal camera i am gonna get. i had a fuck up with my old order. getting the run around about it being on back order and shit. i finally just cancelled that order and ordered a dif olympus camera from a dif store. i am getting on that is smaller. it's really good but smaller. and i think i'm gonna change my cell fone plan so that i have more day minutes. then later on i might consider changing my cell fone. we'll see. i want that small nokia. my dad made a comment that i have been hanging out with dan a lot lately. i guess he could tell. he said it as if me and dan might be an "item." haha i wish! i told him i didn't want to get into it cuz it's a huge mess. ugh. dan. i wish he would reply to my email. but i shall give him time. it's just not fair. everyone's rooting for me here. how come he can't be doing the same too?? man, my eating schedule is so fucked up. btwn getting up early for starbucks and staying late at universal, i'm fucked. i'm gonna eat so unhealthily i think. i eat all these crackers at work. starbucks didn't open til i got there at like 7am today. i think someone didn't come in the morning to help open or something. who knows. it wasn't my fault tho! i actually had a fun time at work today. and this time here at universal is going relatively fast. i just want to get home and eat a real meal if i can. i'll prolly be too full of fucking crackers! i took some skin off my wrist today when i hit the wall at home. i was so stupid. and now it sorta hurts. oh well. dylan said he would call me today. cuz i called him last nite at like 10:30 pm when i got back from the california adventure place. he said to call him when i got back in case he was still in LA. the fucker was asleep! so he said he'd call me today when he was more coherant. he hasn't tried to call me yet! poop on him. ok, back to work.

well, the california adventure place is not that cool. disneyland is way better. the rides are too short and just not that interesting. there is one cool ride called soaring over california. that's probably the coolest ride there. well worth the wait. the rest are whatever. the rollercoaster is freaky at first but the second time i went on it, it wasn't that bad. the day as whole was fun and i am thankful that jessica asked me to come since the ticket was free. that was very kind of her. my mind was preoccupied with the dan situation which has become a situation to say the least. i emailed him a very heavy email that in retrospect was quite demanding for answers. i feel bad about it, but at the same time i hope it made him think and perhaps he will have some answers for me when he is ready. it just saddens me to think that there could be something there yet he won't let there be. this whole business about us not working out doesn't ever make sense to me when we always have fun together. we like each other. we were like so on that last nite before i went to georgia. how come it can't always be that way? is he scared? i started to wonder if this whole "it won't work between us" bit translated into some sort of actual fear for what could really happen. because i know before i used to scared shitless of a relationship. and while i'm still totally clueless on how one works out right, i at least want to try it out. i even remember dan mentioning that before. the whole thing that sparked this was his mentioning of how we could try it out for a month. is he just as scared of a relationship as me? he said he always wants one. but does he really? and why not with me? all these questions and no answers. so frustrating. and makes me sad too. =( i'm willing to try so hard to make this work. how come he isn't? is it because i care that much more? it just doesn't make sense to me. if you have these feelings, why not act? why be indecisive? there has to be something he's not telling me. a reason for indecision. and us not working doesn't seem valid to me. i used to take that to be the truth but now i don't buy it. it seems to much like a cop out answer. because in my opinion, when have we never been right? there is a corner piece missing in this puzzle. and we all know how vital corner pieces are. until i find it, this situation will continue to be like an open wound. one that forms a scab but then gets picked over and over and never heals right.

my life is a series of unfair events momentarily interrupted by glimmers of hope that are dashed in seconds. i'm like the groundhog who is stuck in that fucking hole most of it's life. it comes out for a few minutes every year and hopes and prays there will be no more winter so it can stay outside. usually it just crawls back into it's hole tho. i'll go crawl back into my hole now. maybe when there's a glimmer of hope i'll come out. altho whenever that happens i just get hurt anyway. so what's the point really? i am supposed to be going to the california adventure in like 6.5 hrs with emily, jessica, and blink chris. they have free tickets for some reason and so kindly asked me to go. at the time i wanted to go. now i just feel ill and not so ready. but it would be rude of me to decline at the last minute and waste the ticket because they won't have time to invite someone else. so i'll just probably be miserable at the park. pay ludicrous amounts of money for the food that i won't want to eat. ride some silly rides. then come home and hope that i haven't fucked up someone else's life as much as mine is. for a mess of a mess is no better than just a plain mess.

now playing: dashboard confessional -- the places you have come to fear the most (on repeat forever)

i usually don't write what i'm listening to like that, but i felt that it was so important to how i feel that i should put it. i think i'll play dashboard 24/7 for the rest of my life. i know it's cliche to say that life isn't fair. but this time it really isn't. the one guy i have liked more than any other guy in my life doesn't want to commit to me. now you all say "oh jen, we've heard that before. that's nothing new. get over it. get over him." and to all of i say, "but i can't." i can't get over him. i don't know if i ever will. until he is out of my life. usually it's the same ole thing. we have our "talk" and he tells me how he doesn't think we would work. and i let it be at that and after a bit of heartache i am ok. i have done this time and time again. for the past 3 yrs i guess it's been now. but this time, it's really unfair. this time i got the full story. and as it turns out, there were times when he did want to start something. like the nite i went to GA. i could have totally had him. i knew it. i fucking knew it. but of course, my life is unfair and i left and he's gone into one of this 5 min windows where he doesn't want to commit. there have been other times he said as well. hell, while he was in europe there were times where he wanted to be back here. because of me. even i wasn't thinking of him while he was away. at least not in that way. why did he want me those times and not now? life is so unfair. so why do i still like him? he asked me why i like him. to that i replied "i don't know." i never answer that question. i don't think u can simply laundry list a bunch of adjectives and say voila, that's why i like you. that's unfair to yourself and to the person you like. sure he's nice. he's funny. he's smart. the list goes on. but that's lame. my roommates are nice, funny and smart too. so for me to say why i like him is not that easy to describe. how do you describe in words the way you feel when you are around that person? the tingly feeling you get when they are happy to see you. the happy feeling you get when you know 3 wks in advance that they are coming back to america. the complete and shear elation of when they unexpectedly call you from some random state as you are about to hop in your car and drive away. these things cannot be described in words but they are the reasons you like the people you do. how do i forget these things? how do i get over him? and most importantly, how do i get over him when he's not over me? when he throws out little signals left and right that keep me interested? it's one thing for me to forget for awhile as i have done in the past. but the only reason it ever comes back is because he makes it come back. the little gestures here and there that make me think he's interested. it's hard to forget those things. i know i'm doing not myself any good by dwelling in this. but i can't help it. i like him so much. i once made the proclamation that i would break up with anyone for him. i think that might honestly be true. because there isn't anyone i'd rather be with more so than him. whenever i'm with him i'm happy. except moments like this. and now my heart hurts. and i am sad. altho these words don't really describe the true capacity of what i am really feeling. i never understand what is wrong with me. why the boys i always like don't want to be with me. why do i look around and find all these people in relationships? are they just being frivolous? are they playing it half ass? i suppose. he said to me "jen. if you didn't like me so much, we could have a half ass relationship." i don't understand. why don't people want to try? i want to try. his indecisiveness on the matter is making me suffer. because he floats in and out of wanting to be with me, and it shows, and that makes me unable to stop liking him. so i get the bum end of the deal. and now my heart is truly broken and i'll be stuck in this rut for who knows how long. it's not fucking fair!!! why doesn't he want me??? =(

well, feeling a bit better due to deflection of the feelings. but it shall hopefully be solved. i'm taking dan out to dinner to repay him for borrowing his car and then we'll get milkshakes at mel's diner and then have the talk. so hopefully this will go well. we shall see. if not, it will be sad jen for tomorrow at california adventure. =( anyway, graig is weirding me out man. me and ky saw him at ralphs today. oh dear. he's nice and all but weirding me out. dylan doesn't think i have anything to worry about but kyla see its. she would be weirded out too she said.

my horoscope for today:

despite your suspicions to the contrary, things are moving rather well in various areas of your life. the important thing is that you don't let the illusion of gloom get you down. of course nothing is perfect, but there is plenty of good stuff flowing beneath the surface. you need to accept the unexpected twists and turns as miniature adventures rather than untimely delays. even if you're feeling unsettled about certain emotional issues, you do have the ability to get to the next level.

whatever. it's a load of shyte.

some selections from saves the day. oh good ole emo...

the choke

don't leave yet
it's still early and i haven't even said a word
and i'm hoping that i might upset you by saying what i want to
'cause it's not like you don't know i've fallen for you
but it's in my head and that's where you can't see it
and i thought that maybe if i had to bite the tips of my fingers
i could stumble over words
and tell you just how far before i hit the ground
and i'm the type to think of all the wrong things to say
and i will shut myself up and i'll never come out-
i'll close all my doors and only show you the black spots
where my eyes once were-
i can say this-
i can collect myself deep down and then come out punching
and i'll scream out loud.

see you

my gut is burning. won't you find me some water?
hey, just forget it can you bring me gasoline
and collect a couple forks, hold them three feet apart
and wait for lightning to strike to burn me up?
cause i don't think that i've got the stomach to
stomach calling you today.
my head is swirling. it's been carried off in the sky
and where it lands is where is lands.
so i guess that i will get another head and then get on with my life
and leave you somewhere beneath the waves of time.
and i'll wear glass shoes and plastic wrap.
no, i'll just wear my insides.
you want to know who i really am?
yeah so do i, yeah so do i.
cause i don't think that i've got the stomach to
stomach calling you today.
right now i am turning off the lights
cause i don't think that i've got the stomach to
stomach calling you today.

jukebox breakdown

if you've got a quarter you can stick in my neck
and i'll sing whatever song you want for whatever mood you're in.
isn't that what you expect? i can sing you to sleep.
i've got a mouth full of blood.
well i'll carry this casket if it's what i have to do.
so bring on the dark sky and let it cover me entirely.
isn't that what you expect? i can sing you to sleep.
and all you want from me is a broken heart.
and i'll run down to the river and grab five buckets of water.
wait right where you are and i will serve you at your table.
i hope you like my restaurant and the lighting is right.
the jukebox is in the corner. my mouth is the speaker.
it plays your favorite songs and you know where the coin slot is.
isn't that what you expect? i can sing you to sleep.
and all you want from me is a broken heart.

i don't even know what to say. where to begin. where to go. i'm lost. confused. sad. why do i want what i can't have? it's always this way. always the same. but is it? i do not know. it infects my dreams. my thoughts. awake and asleep. it hurts. my heart hurts. why can't i just let it all go?

oh and i guess i should speak about the bonfire and party last nite since you probably care to know about that more than my nagging thoughts. well let's see. the bonfire was fun. short but fun. the party was weird and i didn't even see all of it. dylan didn't come like he said he would. so whatever. i was too drunk to really comprehend a lot of things. one random guy named ian told me he once approached me before and said how he had seen my site and then later he read my blog and i wrote about how he had approached me. i told him i'd do that again. "scott" who used to work at the nuart and i always see at parties now was here, and i was having a really good convo with him but then i broke it in the middle to go to the bathroom and then retired to my room. i felt bad about that but i went to my room to fone dan. and the rest of the nite is a noisy blur only to be retold by my roommates who witnessed it. i was on the fone with dan, who had already gone home. both of us were shitfaced and nothing was accomplished. i nearly puked but then held it back and passed out on the fone only to wake up a few minutes later feeling much better than before and realizing that dan was not on the line anymore. then random drunken AIM chatting ensued. then i went to sleep. how exciting huh? whatever. i'm sad. life is one big shithole. and i was wrong. things are NOT looking up.

i think i might be sad

nothing for me to do at vagrant right now so i'm just chillin. waiting til rob gets back to do a stock check of what is low. when i first got here there was this random band here that rich manages. it's not a vagrant band and i have no idea who they are. they were young and punky looking. rich is co-owner of vagrant. anyway, so this band was here and all of a sudden they decided to get stuff from starbucks and the other intern, laura, had left before she took the large order with her. so since i have a car they got me to do it. but man was it a lot of shit. bagels and drinks and all this stuff. and rich wanted el pollo loco. so they sent me off with like 50 bucks and i had to do it fast. i told them i work at starbucks so i could get them a 30% discount and they were saying how they drink so much starbucks house blend coffee. so i guess when they need it, i'll be making the runs over there. anyway, so i went there and ordered like 7 drinks, none of which were too complicated. then i got the bagels next door at noahs cuz starbucks was out. then i ran over to el pollo loco. came back and had so much shit i couldn't carry it all. but they were all thankful and so was the band. and it was actually fun. then i called some stores in VA for tour support and now i'm just chillin and waiting. i'm excited for the bonfire and party tonight. it will be fun i think. omg, my dreams last nite. fucking insane. i had so many and they all had all these people in them. one was really fucking creepy and dealt with all these people dying cuz like there were holes in the ground and all this really weird shit that u'd see in like a horror flick. and then i had a dream with daniel from high school. that was totally random. and then one with people from SC but the names didn't match the faces and it was set partially at hillwood. and i had this "moment" with a guy who went unnamed and sorta faceless. but it was all weird and i wonder what the hell it all means.

my car is finally in my possession and i am happy girl. =) things are starting to look up! i am looking forward to the bonfire and after-party. it should be good times with great friends. man, i was talking to kyla about post-college life. it scares me. there is a potential to miss so many people. =( how sad. i don't even want to think about it. once the boys left to go to a party, i made my alcohol mix of orange juice and 190 proof golden grain. so it's all set for tomorrow. i will not be drinking it. i think i'd pass out. it smells yucky and i took just a small taste and was not thoroughly pleased. oh well. it's for the boys anyway. dylan told me he will be coming to our party. yay! i haven't seen him in awhile it seems. perhaps i'll have him take back his altoids. i'm not entirely sure what to do with them so yeah. maybe i should give him his bday gift. it's not really ready tho. will i see him for his actual bday? who knows. will he be staying here tomorrow if he can't drive home? will graig be here? this could get interesting. dan can finally meet dylan. i wonder how they will get along. i suppose everyone gets along when they are drunk! haha i get sleepy early these days. i think it's cuz i'm always working somewhere or another. i shall sleep now to the kings of convenience cd. it's super mellow and just what i need to sleep to. i will end with some lyrics from one of their songs:

the weight of my words
- kings of convenience

there are very many things
i would like to say to you,
but i've lost my way
and i've lost my words.
there are very many places
i would like to go
but i can't find the key
to open my door.
the weight of my words --
you can't feel it anymore.
the weight of my words --
you can't feel it anymore.
there are very many ways
i would like to break the spell
you've cast upon me.
because all the time
i sacrificed myself
to make you want me,
has made you haunt me.
the weight of my words
you can't feel it anymore...

a music disparity in upon us. i am situated in essentially the middle of the room. on my left we have warren g's "gin and juice" blasting." on the other side we have some unknown to me, country song playing somewhat loudly. my poor ears!! i have less than half an hour left and i have sent out over 200 emails to promote this nascar cd compilation for the campaign i am working on. it's got hardcore music on. not my style. slipknot, rob zombie, etc. anyway, i was just listening to one of the PM's (project managers) named rory, talk to this guy jeff who goes to SC and used to live down the hall from the cinema floor freshman year. rory told him that sometimes lesser known artists come in on friday mornings at 9am cuz they do product pitches then. also, in general it's pretty hard for any of us lower people to score any new cd's or tickets to shows unless the stuff in lesser known bands. poop. they do give away cds everyday for trivia questions. but usually it's hiphop or something that i know nothing about and don't care about. whatever. anyway, i gotta get out of here promptly so i can rush home and get my car before the shop closes. ooh, i just got some popcorn. normally i don't like it but i'm hungry!

oh man. i had to post this. there is a guy here that looks so funny. he wears a cowboy hat and sags and walks duckfooted. and he's asian. he's prolly really nice but still. fashion no no!

relaxing my eyes from the monotonous universal music work. here is what my horoscope said on yahoo:

your heart may be fluttering off in many different directions today, dear taurus, while your brain seems to be in another dimension entirely. try to keep hold of the reins and not let yourself get paralyzed by overwhelming emotions. today is a good day to communicate your feelings with others and let your emotions out on the table. tonight would be a good night to move towards the object of your desire.

hmm...

when will the hell end??? i'm hoping tomorrow. cuz today isn't doing it. i woke up at 4am to go to starbucks and actually didn't feel that tired. i think my body is getting used to it. but i walked out the door and got halfway down the block when i realized that i left my new partner # at home. so i had to run back so that i wouldn't be late. i got to starbucks on time. at 4:45am on the dot. but no one was there! nancy (the other girl who typically opens when i do) came like 10 min late. so not only did i have to sit there and wait for her in the cold and dark morning, but it looks like i arrived 10 min late on my timecard AND that's 10 less min to set up for the store. and then there was other sorts of hell at starbucks that i won't get into. stuff concerning the bathroom there. anyway, my car is STILL NOT READY! they said they would try to get it done for me by 2pm. BULLSHIT! it won't be ready til like 5pm he said. so now i have to borrow michael's car to go to work. i don't like borrowing ppl's cars. cuz it makes me nervous when i drive them, and it's just an inconvenience all around. ugh. whatever. hopefully i'll get back here in time to pick up my car. if not i have to go tomorrow morning. poop. and i had some weird and fucked up dreams while i was napping today. i can't really explain them cuz i don't really understand them myself, but they were freaky and fucked up and i kept half waking up in btwn them and thinking how fucked up they were then going back to sleep and continue dreaming them. what the hell does that mean? and last nite graig called me randomly. it was a weird conversation. i'll say no more on that front.

i'm starting to finally feel a little bit better. i can't wait til i'm well again. it's been so long since i wasn't sick! the world has been shitting on me these past few days. it's like the moment i returned from my trip, shit happens. rick wasn't entirely prompt with picking me up. i was always soooooo congested from the flight and i couldn't hear out of my left ear. so i really just wanted to go home and sleep but i had to wait. then once he arrived, all was well. but then i just felt so sick. dan came over later that nite cuz we were supposed to "talk" but then that didn't happen. it seems as tho in the past our "talks" have always come so easily. but now it just hasn't. we've tried so many times to "talk" and it never works out. *i* think it's cuz we know the talk isn't going to be the same as it usually is. perhaps i am wrong. anyway, so that nite i only got 4 hours of sleep cuz i had to wake up monday morning to work at starbucks. THAT was pure hell! first off, i'm sick. and waking up at 4am doesn't help. secondly, the pastries arrived like 2 hrs late. third, the manager came in like 2.5 hrs late and we were SOOOO busy that the line was nearly out the door! i didn't get my break and i left like 10 min late. but once i left i was like, "ok, well at least it's over." but then i called to see if my car was done with it's repairs from when that women hit my bumper. so i called only to find out that it won't be ready til wednesday!!! i wanted to shit my pants. cuz i NEED my car to get to work. so i was frantic. so what did i do? i called dan. =) and he was sooooo generous to lend me his car for monday and tuesday so that i could go to work. so i went home and took a long nap. when i woke up i didn't feel good but not TOO bad. so i got ready and drove off to universal city to start my first day at universal music. i got there and sat in the small room with all the computers clustered together and began working on random internet stuff that they had me do. i was supposed to work from 3-8:30pm. but at like 7pm i was get the shivers and my fingers were turning blue. cuz u see, i had a massive fever. so i asked the woman if i could go home early. she said i could. so i drove off and went to ralphs on the way home to get soup, crackers, and medicine. then i came home. i parked dan's car on the street since there really wasn't room in out lot and i didn't want to make everyone move their cars since it was only temporary. so i got a long and decent nite's rest. but i had to wake up early to go to SMC and register for the internship class. so i get outside only to find that there are NO cars on the side of the street i parked dan's car on, except his car. so u know what that means. jen just got her first ticket. $40 for violating the street cleaning thing. so sad. it was cuz i was soooo sick and really tired and didn't see any signs for street cleaning. cuz there isn't a sign on the block for over half the block. so i paid the ticket promptly just in case dan had like a bunch of unpaid tickets and was gonna get booted sometime soon. but that sucked ass. so then i went to SMC which wasn't that bad cuz so many of us kids from universal were there. i met this guy named lorden who goes to SC and works at universal some of the days that i do. he was cool. he's a soph who used to be majoring in what i'm majoring in, but now switched to music industry. good call on his part. i hate my major. anyway, so then i went to universal and it was a better day. cuz i didn't feel nearly as sick and i conversed with some of the ppl there. turns out andrea interns there! and i met this girl lucy who goes to UCLA. and i talked to this guy dale who's a business major at SC as well. so it was good. and gino (our boss) gave us shitloads of free posters. so that was cool too. and i got a record for rick. so then i came home and rushed off to see the get up kids with jessica and lo at the house of blues on sunset. we missed hot rod circuit cuz they were supposed to go on second but i think they switched the lineup. that sucked. but the GUK were decent. they did 3 shows there -- sunday, monday, and tuesday. i heard from 2 dif ppl at universal that sunday they played mostly new stuff and the crowd didn't like it. monday they played a bit more older stuff. but last nite they played lots of old stuff. i think cuz they knew ppl like the old stuff better. so that was cool. but i felt really tired and ill from standing so long. when i got home, our whole house was gonna go out at midnight to celebrate ky's 21st bday since she's working at starbucks til closing tonight and can't go out drinking. but lo was really tired and i just felt plain sick. so we skipped out and ky went out with rick and michael and jason and row mike. they said they had a good time so that's good. too bad i couldn't go.

so that brings me to today. today i decided i wouldn't go to my internship at vagrant and try to get better. so i took medicine last nite and woke up today feeling much better. still sick but not nearly as bad. for those of u who might think i'm a wuss, u have no idea. these last fews days have been pure hell. i don't have a thermometer to tell my temperature but i'm guessing at it's worst i was at like 102 or something. cuz i was burning up and sweating in my sleep. it was gross. anyway, so today hasn't been so bad. i woke up early cuz i can't seem to sleep that much. i finally sorta cleaned my room. actually i need to vacuum still. i went out and got the tuna to make kyla's sushi. returned dan's car to him. then about an hour later he asked me to come with him and navigate as he looked for apts around the city. so we did that. then we went to canter's deli on fairfax to get lunch. he insisted on paying cuz i came with him but that's unfair cuz i still owe him for borrowing his car. i'll figure out a way to repay him! so then i came home and tried to sleep while dan went back to work. then i went to campus to get my fotos from the trip. that was fun. then got dan from work and went to his place to make ky's sushi for her bday. we had to hurry cuz she had to leave for work at like 8pm. so we rushed the sushi and i got it back here around 7:30pm. we all ate the sushi except rick cuz we have no idea where he is. she liked it tho. then we busted out the cake and sang the bday song. then she jetted off to work. and that my friends is what i have been up to lately. =) other than that, i have just been pondering the whole dan situation. cuz i want us to talk but we just haven't done it yet. it was really frustrating me while i was gone but now that i am back and i see him a lot, it doesn't bug me as much. i just want to know like once and for all (or at least for now) what his thoughts are.

i feel like death... =(

at universal. i feel SOOOO sick it's awful. i wonder if i can leave early. cuz i'm super sick. i hate this. i'm supposed to leave at 8:30pm! =( thank you dan for letting me borrow your car. i owe you BIGTIME! =)

well, i'm back in LA and i'm sick. it's awful. all of that humidity and air conditioning totally got to me and made me sick. =( and i have to work at 4:45am tomorrow. and i also have to hope and pray my car is ready from the shop or else i have no fucking clue how i'll get to my internship at universal. anyway, my trip was good. i won't got into major details cuz that would be too long. lemme first highlight all the famous ppl i saw. 1) steve buscemi -- saw him in chinatown/little italy in NYC when a store above the one i was in had a small kitchen fire and the NYFD had to come. steve when and talked to them for a bit, prolly cuz it was the same day groundzero was closed. 2) tom delonge (blink 182) -- saw him in dean & deluca in soho. that was a trip cuz i would never expect him in some fancy schmancy food store. got a foto with him. 3) michael moore -- the man from the film roger and me who is always around exposing stuff. saw him walking down times square and no one seemed to know who he was! 4) bill pullman -- saw him coming out of his play on broadway. mel got a foto with him. 5) luke perry -- my teen heartthrob!! saw him in the OH airport. he was on my flight. it was funny cuz he went straight to the gate to board like he didn't want to be disturbed. he had dark glasses and a hat on. but then he got pulled over for the random security check and they had to search EVERYTHING so it was sorta funny. so that's it. saw 5 famous ppl. only with mel i swear. she makes all the random shit happen it seems when i travel with her.

GA was lots of fun. good to see kyle and courtney. even tho i had to sleep on their floors on pullouts and be cold every night, it was still fun. it was relaxing yet hot. everyone was really nice to me and mel and very hospitable. it was sad to leave GA on wednesday but i know in my heart that i'll see kyle again someday. it's just a matter of time. it took 3 yrs before. it could be another 3. who knows. but we'll meet again. =)

NYC was cool but i now know i don't want to move there. before it was a thought but now it's not. it's too humid there. there are too many ppl. the traffic is insane. and i don't want to have to take taxis or the subway all the time. nor do i want all my salary going to pay my rent for some shitty ass apt! NYC was fun and mel and i saw lots of shit in the few days we had. they were long days. we saw rent and noises off. i didn't care for rent cuz i'm not big on musicals. but noises off was hilarious! NYC is a cool place cuz there is so much shit packed into a small area and i like the way it's on a grid so it's easy to navigate. i never got to meet up with lydia cuz it didn't seem to work out. that sucked. but i met up with my friend colin and that was cool. altho by then i was sick so i wasn't up to par. i was sick before i left for the trip and then the combo of the humidity and the air conditioning just got to me. going back and forth was no good. and one day in NYC it was soooooo humid that i felt so sticky by the end of the day. it was cuz it was going to rain that night and so the air was humid. and then around dinner time mel and i got stuck outside in the middle of a thunderstorm. downpour along with thunder and lightning equals prolonged illness. that sucked hardcore. but now i'm back in LA. not much has changed since i left. and dan is coming over in about 45 min. yay!