oh man am i tired. but the concert was fucking great. i was on the list so tweedy didn't fuck up. yay! all the vagrant people were there which was cool. ryan of course teased me and laura about being connected all the time. =P koufax did a great job. audio learning center was alright. piebald kicked ass. i think i liked them best. i love the lead singer's voice. hey mercedes was good too. man, it was a good concert. my ears are still ringing. i always forget the plugs. shame shame. i'm super tired now tho. emily didn't go cuz she was too tired. so rick took her ticket. it was almost like a double date with rick and jessica and me and dan. ha. i wish dan wasn't so tired and left right away. i really just want to like lay down with him in bed for a bit. that would be nice. =) oh well. i'm tired too. and my computer is really jacked. i think i'll reformat it soon.

today is a much better day although it's really hot. poo. just had lunch with dan where i was being a complete goofball. =) now i'm looking at my desktop with the big photo of aberdeen on it. see the one of his face down below. imagine that as my full desktop photo. larger than life aberdeen. looking like he's trying to squeeze through the window. aww, how cute. yay aberdeen! anyway, off to ralphs with kyla then amoeba with rick. provided there is enough time. i'm scared of being stuck in really bad traffic and not making it to and back in time for the concert tonight. hey mercedes!!! woo!! i'm excited. if something goes wrong and i'm not on the vagrant list and there aren't any tickets left, i'm gonna be really upset and sad. and that would totally ruin my good day.

i just got back from visiting the westwood college of technology. those tech schools man. i dunno. i wasn't thoroughly impressed. but it's way cheaper than the art institute and i bet i could transfer in a shitload of credit and even swing a bachelors degree at this place for less than an associates at the art institute. i'll have to look into it. i mean as long as i learn the programs that's what matters right? more investigation into this is necessary. and talking with my parents. anyway, time to have lunch with dan.

i think my birth control pills are fucking with my hormones too much and making me have irratic mood swings. today has been just awful. i want it to end. and it just won't seem too. i'm lonely and listening to radiohead. maybe tomorrow will be better...

yeah...it's one of those days. sometimes photos are better than words. maybe i'll start a photoblog. that could be interesting.

i need a hug.

help
- the beatles

help, i need somebody,
help, not just anybody,
help, you know i need someone, help.

when i was younger, so much younger than today,
i never needed anybody's help in any way.
but now these days are gone, i'm not so self assured,
now i find i've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

help me if you can, i'm feeling down
and i do appreciate you being round.
help me, get my feet back on the ground,
won't you please, please help me.

and now my life has changed in oh so many ways,
my independence seems to vanish in the haze.
but every now and then i feel so insecure,
i know that i just need you like i've never done before.

help me if you can, i'm feeling down
and i do appreciate you being round.
help me, get my feet back on the ground,
won't you please, please help me.

when i was younger, so much younger than today,
i never needed anybody's help in any way.
but now these days are gone, i'm not so self assured,
now i find i've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

help me if you can, i'm feeling down
and i do appreciate you being round.
help me, get my feet back on the ground,
won't you please, please help me, help me, help me, oh.

i'm frustrated...in more ways than one. =(

poo. i still don't really have any photos of me and dan that are recent! and oh man it's so early. i'm so tired. =( i can't even think what else i wanted to say. my mind is blank! oh yeah. i had this weird dream that i was on trial for killing someone or something. it was bad. i knew i didn't do it but i was scared they'd find me guilty and i'd be in jail forever!! but then i woke up before it ended. phew!

the photos are up on the orange:house site. i think they are cute. i sacrificed 30 more minutes of sleep just to put those up. now i'll be tired at starbucks. oh well. c'est la vie. n'est-ce pas? i talked to robert who remembers my name. we now are on a first name basis. i've come a long way since being totally shy and scared around him last year. anyway, he said he enjoyed our party. so perhaps he'll come to the next one and maybe people won't swoon so much. who knows. i stopped off at dan's before that and watched eric beat grand theft auto III for PS2. i like that video game. it reminds of a movie. and their loveseat is coming along nicely. =) i wish i could have spent more time there but i had to continue with my night's errands and sleep for work. oh dan. i think i like him too much more than he likes me which sucks cuz that means i'll be the one hurt in the end of it all. =( that's me. always the one getting hurt. poo. i won't think about that now. that's being really pessimistic. i should revel in the moment. not destroy it with my pessimism. right jen? right!

i just formatted the photos from the party and i have selected my 4 favorite. here they are:

robert from ralphs was there. and i have a photo with him. he's cute. and i really like the photo of me and DA cuz DA is just such an adorable guy. awww...and speaking of adorable. i think dan looks cute here:

awww dan. i really like him. and i think he looks cute. even if he thinks his ears stick out. it looks cute. =)

ok. now i'm finally awake. i got the story on what happened last night at my house. shame shame on those kids. it was like the mom and dad weren't home and the babysitter lost control! as it turned out, walter did knock on my door at like 2:30am but he didn't know i was sleeping and that i had to work. kyla felt bad for me so she was yelling at them to leave me alone. then she went to her room. but then the antics ensued with her, rick, jessica, and DA hoping into michael's bed right after they had knocked on my door at like 4:30am. that was what all the snickering was about. they were trying to surprise michael who was upstairs talking to apolka. when i his DA's wallet and keys, it was a hunt for them to find the stuff. what i did was i first was gonna just hide them in the bathroom and lock it. but i thought that was too easy cuz all they'd have to do was unlock the door with a paperclip since i took the real key. and that would be too simple. so i locked the door as a diversion. i stuck the wallet in a cereal box and the keys in a cupboard behind a couple of jars. i think they were searching for quite some time. they heard me typing so they knew to check the blog but of course i didn't divulge where i hid it in the blog! i'm not dumb! anyway, my little game with them actually helped them out with their nights and made for some fun for them. all it did was aggrevate me. but i'm fine now that i've gotten some sleep and my day with the bitches at work is over. now i gotta shower and perhaps do something. we'll see. maybe amoeba. i love that place!

i'm tired and i've had a bad day at work. ugh! =(

i believe i missed a swell impromptu party at our house tonight. lovely. i was kept up by kyla and jason's dance music. but only for a brief few minutes. then others came home and made a bunch of chattering noise. that woke me up. but what i think did it was when someone, walter i believe, just flat out knocked on my door around 2:30am. so why am i up right now? because someone else knocked about 10 minutes ago and whispered my name. they are all snickering about their good fun. but guess what. DA of the lot is gonna pay. i personally hid his wallet and keys. they have to find it. i doubt they will. good luck guys. ill be sleeping. unlike u, i have to wake up for work in 2.5 hours!

i'm all alone!! =( my roommates all went partying and they aren't back. dan came over and we got ice cream and then had a little talk. the talk was quite open-ended which was fine. i talked to rick before dan came over and we both agreed that if it got too intense then it would become a "talk" and i always wanted to avoid those. it didn't become a "talk" thankfully. and i feel more at ease now. things are basically the way they have always been. so we'll see what happens. i hope all works out for the best because i really like dan. i hate when he makes references to me being able to like such and such person or something like that because i don't want to like such and such person. i don't want to be with such and such person. i want to be with him. i like him. period. perhaps he doesn't realize just how much i like him and how much i want this to work. =) i need to get a lot better at showing this to him physically. because mentally i am there. but physically, i am not. =(

last night was just a bit intense. too intense for me. the party seemed successful considering it's the summer and it was BYOB. we had a good turnout. there are lots of photos of the night. but i can't deal with that right now. robert from ralphs came because me and kyla invited him earlier that night. it made me happy that he came and i smoked out with him and his friends. that was funny. he was like a fucking celebrity with all these ppl around him like the whole night. poor guy. but i was happy he came. devin came which was cool cuz i haven't seen him in ages. graig came which creeped me out, especially when he kissed my head. mario from starbucks came but william and tony didn't. and i even bought william doritos!! poo on him. i'll bug him about that later. there was all sorts of drama on different fronts too though. i really don't wanna get into it, but i wanna thank kyla and tyler for trying to help me out separately in the bathroom. i'm glad that tyler and i are friends and can talk about these things now. it's great! but yeah. there was a lot of drunkeness that made for a lot of emotional moments with dan. and it was a bit messy. but now i can't remember half of it. i am unclear on what's totally going on. so we need to talk more. because at the time i wasn't in a clear mind and felt sick. and i guess it's better anyway cuz i don't remember a lot of what we said. ugh. why is life so complicated???

ugh!!!! why is this so fucking difficult?? all i want are my damned pills!! the details are unimportant cuz they are boring, but basically my pharmacist doesn't speak good english and i fucking need my pills. i don't have the paper anymore because of a previous fuck up. now it's all complicated and i DON'T want to have to drive out to santa monica just to get the damn paper perscription! ugh. i only have one more week left of the pills. so this NEEDS to get done asap. and i foresee more problems that will take me into next week. fucking hell! and i wanna see dan!! =( oh but i just got a nice email from this girl at universal who i thought was cool. she was like one of like 5 people i liked there. that brightened my day a smidge.

no dan again. poo. i miss him. =(

i was so groggy not long ago. but now i'm energized. woo! yet i'm still at this computer as usual. i think this photo of the wraparound cover of the first ever diesel sweeties book just about sums it up.

how all college students waste their thursday nights. sitting in front of our computer screens chatting and such. =)

i went to universal and took back my keys. it was a little awkward but whatever. i'll pretty much never see those people again. unless i see the ones that go to SC. that's fine. whatever. i said goodbye to the security people. it was sad cuz the one girl could never remember my name and *finally* today she remembered. then i told her it was my last day and that was sad. and this one security man was always all smiles when i'd see him. sad to say goodbye to him as well. he wished me well with my life. he's a nice man. i think when he was younger he was probably handsome too. cuz he's old now with lots of white hair and such but i venture he was handsome. he has that look about him. after universal i went to meet michael in santa monica to get him some jeans. but the traffic there was HORRENDOUS!! there is no clear cut way to get from universal city to santa monica. so i took the route of going further north on the 101 and then south on the 405. i was gonna then take the 10 west but i didn't even make it to the 10 because the 405 was SOOOO jam packed that it look me like 20+ min to go like 3 miles. so i excited and took surface streets. i was like 30 min late to meet him too. i felt bad. but we got his jeans and they look nice. then we got blizzards at dairy queen. now i'm home and poor dan is still plugging away at his project. sad. he's not all happy and smiles because the hell isn't over yet. i feel bad for him. i hope he finishes soon and gets happy again. =)

i'm super frustrated right now!!! last night i thought my computer was totally fucked up cuz i couldn't hear the sound and no sound programs would work. my corel program wasn't opening either. now it opens but has no borders! what the fuck is that shit? at least my sound works. i started backing shit up last night and i'm trying to burn these mp3s for my parents to make cds and twice now there have been errors. ugh!!! i can't find the phone # of the troubadour to speak to a person and ask what time the hey mercedes show starts. cuz koufax is going on first and i really wanna see them. so i need to know what time to get there so i won't miss them. plus if for some reason tweedy fucks up and doesn't put me on the list, i have to buy a ticket before they sellout. ugh. today at starbucks was hellish cuz i dropped shit. i was miss clutsy today. so awful. sal makes me nervous too. i invited william and tony to come. they said they would. how cute. starbucks ppl at our party. what else? oh yeah. forgot to mention this yesterday. aside from making the goodie bags at vagrant yesterday, i got to see the dashboard video that i went to the shoot for. i got there and maureen (one of the directors) saw me and pulled me aside to show me the final cut. turns out they took the last take. so us standing around was not in vain. it was in fact one long shot. there was no cutting like some dimwits at the show thought there would be. that would totally defeat the purpose of one long shot in the first place! sheesh. these people who think they know about film. give me a break! =P anyway, so the video has a nice coloring to it. that was all they were really waiting for. color correction and the new mix of the song. the color is more saturated i'd say. the yellows and reds are really played up. anyway, i'm in the video! that's why she specifically wanted to show me. you can see me for a second. i didn't realize how much action was going on in the video. like on the other side of the room i had no idea. but that's cuz i couldn't look that way since then i'd be looking at the camera. anyway, i like the video. it's not really like a concert video cuz it shows the band a little but really what it is, is what goes on at a concert when you're not looking around. seeing the couple kissing. the sound guys quickly doing their thing. people buying merch. kids crowd surfing. backstage snafus. stage equipment being dealt with. all that stuff. meanwhile a concert is going on! anyway, it looks nice. i don't know when it will be aired on mtv. today i go into universal to turn in my parking pass. then i'm going to santa monica to help michael find some jeans. then maybe i can do something with dan if he's not busy. or at least see him for a bit. since it's been since sunday when i gave him his keys that i've seen him. but his project is done so he shouldn't be super busy now. yay. =)

woo. today has been a good day. no real reason other than i'm in a good mood right now. today i went to vagrant and filled the goodie bags all day. that was tedious work. we put a bunch of stickers and fliers in them. that was fun-ish. we did 1000 bags. good god my eyes were fried. yet u know what? it was still more fun than working at universal. u know why? because i like the people i work with at vagrant. they are fun and nice. and i like the environment. and if u don't like that stuff then work can be hell no matter what u are doing. i left work and went straight to starbucks to visit kyla who is working there right now. i also got my tips and my coffee. i am up to $96 in tips for the summer. yay. i still don't know what i'll do with it all once the summer ends. we'll see. sal didn't schedule me to work next sunday. yay! i think he got my note about not wanting to work more than two days a week because i am too tired. yay! and he scheduled me to work at 7am next thursday instead of 4:45am. but in reality i think i prefer to open and just get it over with. oh well. whatever. anyway, i'm sorta antsy cuz i feel like i have all this free time now and i don't know what to do with it! i work tomorrow morning though so i can't really do much. dan is frantically trying to finish up his project that's due tonight. once that's over he's done with all his projects. yay dan! i wish i could visit him but that would just be disruptive. so no go on that. i forgot to call lydia again. i'll call her tonight. shame on me! oh and dom and tyson are coming to LA in sept. yay. i hope i get to see them. it's been over a year now. i want to take a photo of them together to show people that they really don't look anything alike. it's just the style that's all. last night i dreamt that they were down here visiting and it was awkward as all hell. i can't remember why but i know it had to do with other people like my dad or something. it was like there was more than just them here visiting and it was all weird and complicated. whatever. if i get to see them that would be cool. and if i can somehow visit lydia in santa fe that would be cool too. we'll see. depends how long she is there.

i just figured out my outfit for our party on friday. yay! it all spawned from kyla telling me i should wear this short red skirt i bought a long time ago but have yet to wear. i was always self-conscious about wearing it because it is quite short. but since the party is at my own house, i don't need to worry so much about being cold or sitting awkwardly and such. so then i was thinking about my new shoes that i bought. here is a photo of them:

i figured i should play up the red skirt and the red in the shoes. so then i looked and i have a tank top that is about the blue color of my shoes. voila! a totally matching outfit. and even the red in my hair matches. so yeah. i'm all set. yay. i hate when i have to try on a zillion things to find the right outfit and then i have a huge pile of clothes on my bed that i have to clean up. now i'm all set. =)

i totally crashed last night. i was so tired. i'm always tired. but no more of that shit. this morning i woke up tired and my hair was sooooo crazy. here, look:

crazy huh? anyway, so as i was driving the the art institute of california, i got stuck in some major traffic. this is where i decided i wasn't gonna work at universal anymore. i've toyed with the idea over and over because some days i go there and i just hate it. i'm bored or don't like what i'm doing or something. and i don't know lots of people really well there. so why stay? but then i always rationalize that it will look good on my resume and don't sever ties and all that crap. but when it comes down to it, this is my LAST summer in college. my LAST chance to be irresponsible and such. why squander it on this internship that will get me nowhere? because i realize that where i work is just the distribution part of the label. and i don't want to work in that part. and the amount of networking i'd have to do to find someone that works in the web design dept of one of the specific labels would be more than i'm cut out for. so anyway, there's no point in literally losing sleep over this thing and being grumpy. right? so from here on out, jen only has two jobs now. yay! starbucks and vagrant.

anyway, so i went to the art institute and talked to the woman at admissions. she was really nice and showed me the whole place and talked to me for about an hour. it was fun. i liked it there and i think i'd consider going there for an associate's degree in multimedia and web design if my parents are willing to let me do that when i graduate from usc. then i could get a job making graphics-driven webpages. that would be cool. ultimately i'd like to make webpages for bands. so yeah. anyway, then after that i went to the santa monica mall where i got these super soft and comfortable underwear. oh my god. if they weren't so expensive, i'd have bought a million pairs. oh well. i have 3 in different colors. they are calvin klein. i really like his underwear collection. it's nice. too bad it's all so expensive!

today my task at universal is to chat with people about the who's new greatest hits cd. yay. i get to chat all day. i hope this is fun. should be more entertaining than looking at websites and writing email templates. today at starbucks i talked to william a lot. he's really cool. i like him. he's only 19! me and kyla thought he was older. he's such a thug but he's nice and funny. he had to go to jail for like grand theft auto or something for like 30 days and now he's on probation. he had to leave early today to go to court! anyway, i invited him to our party on friday cuz kyla invited mario. so maybe we can get a little starbucks crew going on. i should invite tony. he's a nice guy too. have a little starbucks pow-wow. hehe

i impulsively bought new pumas today. baby blue with red puma stripe and red laces. or blue laces. whichever i prefer. i like them. i think they are pretty rad. i saw them while shopping with kyla yesterday and they didn't have my size so i impulsively went out and got them today at another store. i decided to throw away a few old shirts and some old shoes. well not throw away. give to goodwill. but yeah. get rid of them. and my hoodie was missing but i just figured out where it is. it's at starbucks!!! sheesh. i'm so silly. at least i figured out where it is!! man, starbucks was hell today. christy came in late so ami opened alone and we were so backed up for so long til people came in extra to help. and i stayed late too. dan came in and i felt bad about being so abrupt with him cuz he came to get his keys. if he had come like 15 min sooner i'd have been on my 10 min break. oh well. i just sorta went up to him and gave him his keys really quickly. i was gonna like give him a quick hug and kiss but i felt like i didn't even have time for that because the line was so fucking long. anyway, i have to work there tomorrow morning and i'm soooo tired right now cuz i didn't get a nap. so i'm gonna crash and then wake up early and start another week of hellish work. boo hoo. i'm getting my turbinates injected on wednesday so i can breathe better. i hope it works. that would relieve some discomfort in my life. and maybe i can finally smell the intense vanilla smell everyone says is in my room. haha oh i went to dinner with jason tonight. we hung out. that was cool cuz i hardly see him anymore. good to catch up. but now begins a week of not seeing people once more due to work. i work late monday, tuesday and thursday. wednesday isn't too bad and friday is our party so i'll see people then. so yeah. working late sucks. working sucks period. c'est la vie!

i'm such a silly girl. i'm wearing the new pants i got today from abercrombie and i laced up my cons with the star laces i got at hot topic. yes, i got the ones with the red stars. i got jeans from abercrombie because they were on sale. this is the first thing i have ever bought from that store. i felt weird. the girl that rung up my purchase looked like barbie, and my shopping bag had ken on it! sheesh. anyway, i like the jeans. once i wear them in a bit, they will be fabulous. i also got this cute little plastic kiddie wallet from sanrio. a completely impulsive purchase. i haven't bought anything from sanrio is ages! this wallet is totally impractical cuz it doesn't fit half my shit. but i can use it whenever i wanna just take money and my ID places. i'm currently doing a shitload of laundry. i still have more to do but i just did my sheets and some towels and such. haven't even gotten to the regular clothes yet! that's for tomorrow. i HATE doing laundry and i hate having to make my bed. it's such a pain in the ass. dan left his keys here today by accident and he didn't realize it til i took him home. so he's gonna swing by starbucks tomorrow while i'm working to get them. silly boy. always leaving shit here and there. =)

there are just too many words for what happened last night. better left unblogged i think. but i will say i am sorry to all of you that i let down.

let down
- radiohead

transport, motorways and tramlines,
starting and then stopping,
taking off and landing,
the emptiest of feelings,
disappointed people, clinging on to bottles,
and when it comes it's so, so, disappointing.

let down and hanging around,
crushed like a bug in the ground.
let down and hanging around.

shell smashed, juices flowing
wings twitch, legs are going,
don't get sentimental, it always ends up drivel.
one day, i'm gonna grow wings,
a chemical reaction,
hysterical and useless
hysterical and

let down and hanging around,
crushed like a bug in the ground.
let down and hanging around.

let down,
let down,
let down.

you know, you know where you are with,
you know where you are with,
floor collapsing, falling, bouncing back
and one day, i'm gonna grow wings,
a chemical reaction, [you know where you are,]
hysterical and useless [you know where you are,]
hysterical and [you know where you are,]

let down and hanging around,
crushed like a bug in the ground.
let down and hanging around.

will this day be any better than the rest of this past week? i certainly hope so. altho i just found a zit on the back of my head under my hair. yuck. i hate when you get zits in weird places. but i've had worse. anyway, i think today will be better. tyler is gonna have a party tonight and i think everyone is going to make the trek down there. last week was the 45 min drive to row mike's. today is the 45 min drive to tyler's. how funny. it's like a pack of moving party animals just roaming around southern california. i really want to see dan today no matter what tho because if i don't, i won't see him for awhile it will seem, and that just won't be good.

austin powers was really funny but i'm upset once again. maybe it's because i'm tired. or maybe it's because i'm feeling the way i felt last night. maybe i'm not wrong. maybe there is something wrong.

unless i somehow get a burst of energy or someone does something to really cheer me up, i'm most likely gotta fall asleep at austin powers and not be able to make it to beauty bar. i'm so fucking tired it's brought down my whole day. i mean seriously, i'm not in a good mood and my eyes will barely stay open. oh yeah, i'm hungry too and i'm sure i'll run into some massively horrible traffic. lovely. aren't i a ray of sunshine?

i'm tired. the people here are annoying the fuck out of me today with their dumb comments. and my canker sores hurt still. today is NOT a good day.

life is ironic. i'm super tired because i went to work early today. came home. took a 1.5 hour nap in order to go to work early to see the movie tonight. normally i nap for like 3 hours because it's less of a nap and more of a continuation in the sleep i didn't get the night before. but because i didn't get a long nap, i'm really tired and will probably fall asleep during the movie tonight. thusly negating the whole deal. i will have lost sleep and need to make up hours at work so that i could fall asleep during a movie. lovely! just fucking lovely. anyway, i was thinking while driving today. i was listening to david gray and radiohead. made me think of last night. i realized that i am such an insecure and pessimistic person. that combo is just awful. everytime i think there is something wrong, no matter what it is, i totally blow it out of proportion in my mind until the point where i usually get upset. i did this last night. and i hate when i do that because more than half the time, there is nothing wrong. it's all fabricated in my feeble, insecure brain. i wish i could change this about myself, but unless i boost my self-esteem somehow and become less insecure, i think it'll just persist. listening to sad and depressing music doesn't make it any better yet i like listening to that kind of music when i'm upset. it's weird. all it does it is make me feel more sad and cry more. but i do this all in the privacy of my own room because i don't like people to see me like that.

how did i manage to waste an entire night and not even eat a real dinner? i'm pathetic. and now it's time to sleep and wake up for work in 4.5 hours. god fucking hell. just make this day end. ugh and i want to go to amoeba tomorrow but i can't cuz we are going to the austin powers screening at 7pm. maybe after? or are we still going to the beauty bar? ugh. i have no idea. whatever. i don't give a shit about anything right now. i've let my emotions get the best of me once again. i'm so stupid.

i think it's time for some radiohead. i think it's time for some radiohead, on repeat. =(

daily horoscope for taurus - 07/16/02
it's easy to be optimistic when you're living in a fantasy world, taurus! anticipation builds today toward something that might not even be real. try to get your head out of the clouds before you run across an unexpected obstacle. wherever and whenever possible, stay grounded in the world of your senses. if you expect nothing, you won't be disappointed, and you may even be pleasantly surprised. take things as they are right now, not as you'd like them to be.

hmm...it's telling me what i've known all along. be a pessimist!! but really, what is it trying to tell me? is something bad gonna happen that i should brace myself for? i really hope not. i'm not so sure i could deal with that. i talked to my parents tonight about appealing my grade from that asshole teacher from my class last semester. i got so worked up over it that i wanted to talk to dan afterward but eric told me he was going to sleep so i didn't call him. i would have talked to rick or kyla but they aren't home. =( i didn't know what to do cuz i got so worked up as i always do whenever i think about that class, my grade, and my god awful teacher. ugh! now i'm getting worked up again!!! =(

i want some cute shoelaces for my converse. cuz mine are all dirty anyway so might as well change them to something cute. or at least funky. but what to get??? hot topic seems to have a lot of choices. i think i'll have to go there. from the choices online, here are the ones i like the most. which do u guys like best? maybe i'll get more than one. oh yeah, if you didn't know, my shoes are black.
1 | 2 | 3 | 4

ok so maybe i won't be going to amoeba tonight. apparently the flaming lips are doing a free concert there at 6pm. it will be too busy i think. no good.

i got my photos back today and ran into jessica who was also getting her photos too. they are off the bonfire and her party basically. oh and california adventure as well. good photos. i like them. then i went to visit dan for a few minutes and he seemed not the happiest. i hope he feels better as the day goes on. =) i hope today is fun for me too cuz there seems to be nothing to do here for us since we can't start our project. my team that is. oh well. whatever. gonna go to amoeba after work and sell my cds that i got for free. see how much i can get for them. yay!

i just got back from dumb and dumber. it was funny but not as funny as i remember it. oh well. we finally watched it all together so that was good. i kept thinking about dan while i was watching it. bad jen. bad. can't be thinking about dan all the time. anyway, my parents have once again encouraged me to appeal my grade for that fucking class. i swear to god. EVERY time i think about it, i get angry and physically ill. i hate it. i never want to see that man again. i hate him. luckily i won't have to because the way this appeals process works, i wouldn't have to see him. so i guess i'll do it. my dad talked to the woman that deals with this stuff and she was encouraging him to encourage me because she thinks i have a good case. my grade cannot me lowered and i'll never have to meet my teacher. the dean maybe, but never the teacher. so fuck it. i guess i'll do it. i just really hate this. i don't like thinking about it. it upsets me greatly. ugh!! and i IMed dylan earlier and he never messaged me back. i asked if he was coming to our party. does he not want to talk to me? and if so, why not? sheesh! anyway, whatever. i gotta go to amoeba tomorrow. i have all these cds to sell!! =)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ERIC! =)

my eyes are shot but i just got like 10 free cds. it's shit like that which keeps me here i guess. papa roach, trust co, the starting line, off by one, meat loaf, fear factory, etc. if i don't like them, i'm selling them to amoeba. yes, this is why i stay here. haha. i'm, out in 8 min. woohoo!

1.5 hours to go and i'm keeping my sanity by chatting with a 20 year old guy named preston who lives in brighton and is in a band called the ordinary boys who are touring with saves the day. he's drunk so it's amusing. and i've sent out nearly 300 emails so far. ugh!!!

no one here ever notices anything about me excet jason. he noticed i redyed my hair. no one else even says anything. sheesh. whatever. i don't have the best rapport with people here. we are just all acquaintances u know? at vagrant it's much better. why am i here? if i quit i'd have so much more free time to do what i want. why do i stay?

kill me now. my brain is dead. i am and will be doing the same thing until i leave here at 8:30pm.

excel > ctrl-c > ctrl-v > outlook > ctrl-n > ctrl-v > notepad > ctrl-c > outlook > ctrl-v > send [repeat!]

fucking hell. i want to die.

ok so i didn't get my photos today. i decided to redye my hair instead. i'll get them tomorrow. tonight is the dumb and dumber screening at harrison's that we have been talking about for at least a month or so. finally! i'm not sure who all is gonna be there. it should be good times. lately i have been realizing how hard it is to juggle everything in my life. work takes up so much of my time that it's hard to portion out my free time. as it is, my schedules conflict so much with kyla's that i barely see her. when she's at work i'm at home and vice versa it seems. it sucks. now that i'm dating dan, i spend more time with him too which takes away from time with the rest of my friends. i feel bad yet at the same time, i wouldn't want to see dan any less because then what sort of relationship would that be? when i was dating daniel in high school, the reason why it didn't work was because i put school and my friends before him and we didn't get to do much together. and that was bad. so i don't want to do that again. anyway, it's tough. but i'm trying to make it work out. everyone bear with me. i'm really trying!! =)

all is well with starbucks. they didn't say anything to me and the person did in fact write down that i was "sick." good good. michelle came in today tho and almost blew my cover. i had to make eye signals for her to not talk about it. she got my drift. brad came in who i hadn't seen in awhile. i found out why both me and kyla see him when i open and she closes. it's cuz he works at the chem lab on campus and does research and whatnot so he comes in before he works and after. and he works a long day cuz it's not really work work. sorta like how dan can go into the lab whenever and work weird hours. same with brad. anyway, my old photos are finally ready. yay! i'm excited.

boy am i beat. i fell asleep earlier and just woke up and showered. now i feel a bit more refreshed. i think the combo of sleeping on a hard floor and then being in the sun so much made me really tired. i hate that. i hate feeling sluggish from the heat. anyway, i gotta work at starbucks tomorrow morning. i hope all is ok there cuz i'd be pissed if whoever i talked to didn't tell anyone i was "sick." then i'd have to explain it all again and such. dont wanna do that. ugh! need to eat dinner still. crazy man. eat dinner and then basically go to bed!

"i don't know what our relationship status it, but i'm *not* taking the red vines." -- dan

so this is something dan said to me while drunk at row mike's party last night. and those are the two things i want to talk about. row mike's party, and my relationship with dan. one thing at a time tho. ok so yesterday i was in a hurry with my last post. but all i really wanted to talk about that i didn't get to was my situation with dan. so i'll get to that in a bit. first, row mike's party. it was great. i had a great time and i'm glad i skipped out on starbucks. basically a lot of people i knew were under one roof. and that was cool. too bad jessica couldn't go cuz it was a lot of fun. we all arrived in various cars at various times, but around like 9pm, i'd say everyone that mattered was there. except rick. he came later. we all ate there. it was BYOB and BYOfood. =) me and dan ran over to ralphs to get food to eat. we decided to do skish kababs (however you spell that). the ralphs had these cute little kid's carts. they were small and lower to the ground with a big pole on the side that said "customer in training." people were looking at me oddly but i didn't care. it was fun. dan was embarrased to be with me. pfft. whatever. i was having fun! =P anyway, so we got food and alcohol and went back to row mike's. his house is nice. it's way the fuck out there in the inland empire. but as a stand alone house, it was nice. heated pool. hot tub. good stuff. and he has a super cute dog named fred who i just couldn't get enough of. except when he wouldn't stop licking me in the pool! but he's so cute. =) anyway, first everyone ate and then got in the pool and/or hot tub. it was nice. people slowly got drunk. there was some drama. some people decided not to stay the night. like kevin, josh, and brian. poop on them. =P so we all went to sleep in our respective spots. me and dan slept near the door next to emily. poor dan was so drunk that he couldn't seem to get it totally together. i finally got him to change into his boxers under the blanket and take off his contacts. sometime in the middle of the early morning i woke up and he had his hand on his head as if he had a headache. =( we all got up around 10am or so. cleaned up and ate breakfast together. michelle made pancakes and biscuits and such. good stuff. we lazed around for a bit. some got back in the pool. then we left around 2pm. the traffic on the way back was HELL and it was 108 degrees outside apparently. needless to say, we were all dying in the car. now i'm home and i haven't showered yet. deciding whether or not to redye my hair. starbucks never called me and left any messages which is good i guess. i called them last nite and pretended to be sick. the guy who answered the fone said it was too busy to give the fone to the shift supervisor so i told him i was sick and told him to tell that person. dunno if he did. i hope so. i don't want flack tomorrow morning!

now, me and dan. first of all, kyla thinks we work well as a couple in the way we operate. meaning, when we are at parties, we like go and talk to various ppl separately and then like come back together here and there for a bit. i think we work well in that respect because for the most part, we have a lot of the same friends in common. that's cuz we've known each other since the beginning of college and sophomore year i really tried to integrate him into my world of friends. but yeah, i think we work well like that. anyway, i don't know what the status of our relationship is either. and i never intend to really ask cuz as i said before, having "the talk" only fucks shit up usually. jinxes it. and i don't wanna do that. if he brings it up, i'll talk. but i'm not gonna bring it up. i feel like whatever it is we have is cool, and it doesn't really need a label. certainly not now at least. it's been like 3+ wks i think since we started dating and so far so good. it's crazy to think that after 3 wks with dylan it was over! it feels like it hasn't nearly been as long with dan. but as i told kyla, i think with me and dan the time goes slower in that we already know each other and so every little thing we do together doesn't seem earth shattering. cuz like with dylan, we didn't know each other so everything we did was a getting to know you process and a step forward in our relationship. but with me and dan, we already know each other so we don't need to get to know each other. everytime we go places and to parties it's a normal occurance the way it was when we weren't dating. that's why i like this too. cuz it's comfortable. no really great changes have been made in our lives. granted we see each other more than we used to, but that's about it. that and sleeping over and such things related. i thought it was cute how at one point last night, rick was saying to dan how he likes when dan is drunk cuz he's more dynamic and sociable than when he's sober. cuz when he's sober he sorta is apathetic rick said. and dan was like "yeah but everytime u see me, i'm usually just getting off a long day at work and i just came by to see jen cuz i feel like i should just come and see her for a bit before i crash at home." i thought that was cute that he comes to see me just because. yay dan! =) i feel like after this weekend, i'm more comfortable with dan physically. because u know me and my intimacy issues. well i feel like they aren't so bad now. i think it's just because i'm becoming more comfortable with the idea that we are "a couple." i feel more at ease to touch him and such. and last night he would just come up to me randomly and hug me and give me a kiss and stuff. and i like that. and i feel like that's something that people in relationships normally do and i can get used to that the more i "practice" at it so to speak. those random public displays of affection. heaven forbid! haha nothing hardcore of course. that's just wrong. and like when we went shopping for random shit. that was fun. i think it would be fun to go shopping for clothes together. well, maybe just cuz i like shopping in general. but i dunno. i could see that being fun. he always says he needs more clothes. in particular, shirts. i love shirts. so i'd love to shop with him for that. i hope that he isn't sick of me right now just cuz we've seen each other so much this weekend and he might feel like he needs a breather. actually, i almost feel that way too. i mean, don't get me wrong. i enjoy spending time with dan and if he came by right now, i wouldn't be upset at all. but i can definitely understand if right now he's just like "oh man. saw a lot of jen this weekend. need a little break." sometimes i wonder if i'm being too presumptuous with us. meaning, like when we were going to row mike's party, i was saying things like "ok. so what time are we going?" "bring your blanket for us to sleep with." just like presuming all these "coupley" things. eh. whatever. i'm not too worried really. it's just odd for me. that's all.

man. not much time to write this. went out with dan last nite. actually we ran a bunch of errands and then called like 10 blockbusters til we found one that had the special edition memento dvd to rent. we watched the movie in chrono order cuz that's a special function of it. it was cool. then i cut his hair and i did a bad job. =( spent the night. that was fun. came home today. going to the gap soon. then going to a big party at row mike's place in etiwanda. it's a bbq and party and we're all spending the night. i'm skipping out on starbucks tomorrow. telling them i have food poisoning. bad jen. bad! anyway, more to write but don't have time. i'll do it later.

i failed. there is no hope for the sacher torte. it was a monstrosity and even the chocolate glaze didn't work out. whatever. never trying that again unless someone else is making it and i'm helping them. 2 hours of my life wasted with nothing to show for. =(

i am attempting to make a sacher torte. of course it's not like the original one because that recipe is a heavily guarded secret at the hotel sacher in vienna. but i'm trying to make my own version. i don't think it's gonna work out so well because already i had problems with the pan and had to switch so now there is less batter and also it won't be round. nevermind what it tastes like, aesthetically it's not right! and who knows what it'll taste like. we shall see soon enough. i hope it's good. it's a really rich chocolate cake with apricot lining and rich chocolate glaze. if it turns out well, it will be excellent and you can all try some. if it turns out bad, oh well. u can still have some! =)

i got to see dan tonight! not for as long as i'd like to have seen him. but i suppose if i could i'd want to see him like all the time. so whatever. he came when we decided to have our impromptu house meeting. i was like, "fuck. we are having the meeting now? dan's gonna come soon." and sure enough he did and poor thing had to wait for our meeting to be over with. it just kept going too! oh well. i gave him the stuff i made which was a bouquet of a dozen origami roses and a boxes of putty chocolates. here is a photo of the stuff. it's cute but totally useless. =)

anyway, i'll see him tomorrow. dunno when but at some point. i'm not going to vagrant so i have a whole day free. yay! i just painted my nails black. i wanted to see what it would look like. it's intense. i have to remove it by sunday morning cuz i work at starbucks and u can't wear nail polish there. might get in the food or drinks i guess. and i bet black would freak people out too. oh well. whatever. i guess i'll go to bed soon since i have nothing better to do! hehe might as well sleep. =)

universal actually is fun today. the hours aren't droning on as usual. it's probably attributed to 3 things. first of all, i got here and had to wait for a computer. so i decided to go back to the lunch room and check if there were any cool free cd's. in the process i met mannuel (is that how u spell that name? i don't think so) who works here at universal in the latin sales dept. we had a good chat about life and what to do with it and such. that was fun. he liked my hair. he is into astrology it seems cuz he mentioned it a lot and he said he used to date a girl who was a taurus. after my chat with him i came here and got a computer next to jason. jason is cool. we have a good rapport. it's sorta strange. i know he's got a gf but sometimes i feel like he's flirting with me. whatever. we both have someone but we have good rapport. no harm in that. he was the only one who noticed my haircut the other day. he liked it. he likes my casio film watch too. so that's another reason this day is going well. the last thing i guess is just that i'm working on these email templates and it's fun cuz it's for artists i like and so i'm totally personalizing each one. it's fun. 3 more hours to go actually. wow. hmm...will the fun last? i hope! i want to see dan tonight since his project is over. i hope i can. =)

here's my starbucks story for the day. ok so i get there at 4:45am. i'm super tired. as usual. i'm thinking about whether or not i'll see dan tonight. as usual. i put the pastries in the pastry case. as usual. we open the store at 5:30am. as usual. so the first few regulars come in on time. brenda gets her sugar free vanilla, extra hot, % latte. the man who usually gets 2 venti drips comes in with his co-worker -- the man he gets the otherventi drip for! it was like meeting the long lost brother or something. haha then john comes in and gets his usual 6 shots of espresso on ice. john is a nice man. i actually had a dream about him the day after i dreamt about brad. so that's two dreams in two days about starbucks customers. john is older than brad tho. but he's really cool. knows all the ppl at starbucks. knows our names. he's cool. a few other regulars came in too. like pae, the older chinese man who always gets 2 grande drips and a grande hot chocolate. shon didn't come in today and get her grande sopy white mocha. oh but the guy who gets the short drip came in. and he was just one of a few who enquired about why we didn't open on time on tuesday. of course they all thought it was monday. my day to work. fuck no man! i was there!! it was tuesday!!! anyway, brad didn't come in but loretta did and sheri did. and the other day i called sheri loretta by accident. but it turns out that loretta is sheri's personal trainer! so i was close. oh the woman with heavy perfume who orders a white chocolate mocha came in. her name is sandra. i shall remember. the man who works on campus and gets a venti drip all the time came in. he asked me how my day was going and such. he's a nice man. the police man who always gets a venti chai came in. i will remember his name too. ian. emily from my cinema class came in as usual. she always gets a grande drip for her boss but her drink changes so i can never guess. kit came in and got her grande americano. she's this chick who's short and like really tough looking with tattoos and such. creeps me out a bit. oh and diane came in and got her venti mocha frappucino with power added. she's a big girl too. some other regulars can in that i can't remember. but that was cool. they make my day. of course the flipside to all of that today was how fucking busy it was! omg. i dropped over $600 in the money vault thing today. and that's not counting all the stuff i sold to people who paid with credit card. i bet i sold like $800 today! it was sooooo fucking busy. and consistently. partially because 3 people had large orders. one woman named cynthia called in an order of a box of coffee to go. so poor ami had to pour that box of coffee which she spilled because it's hard to do. the woman showed up over 15 min late for her coffee too. and it only costs $12! it's so not worth the hassle. cuz not only do we have to pack the damn box which is hard, but it disrupts the flow of the coffee for the customers. which is bad when it's busy. a man came in and ordered 10 grande drips. ok, that was a fucking hassle. cuz like we had to brew more coffee. and while i was getting that coffee, the other ppl seemed to be doing other shit so no one was expediting the line and it got to be super fucking long. ugh! so then after that man got his shit, another girl came in ordering like 6 or 7 drinks that needed to be made. that was a fucking hassle. and she was a partner too. when i did that once for vagrant, the ppl bitched me out saying "you came in with this huge order and you're a partner?? don't u know better to call ahead?" now i do, and everyone else should. and she looked pissed cuz it took so long to get her drinks. hmm....i wonder why! meanwhile, the expediting was not going smoothly and this poor guy and girl got shafted and skipped over. so i took their orders and they wanted like 3 drinks. i felt bad about it so i didn't charge them for one drink. the guy was cute. his name was george. that's prolly why i had sympathy. if you're cute, you tend to get better service from me. that's just the way it goes. you are pleasant to look at which is a nice change of pace from my monotanous morning. so you get better treatment. it's not fair but it's the way it goes! anyway, the line basically never stopped and when i left it was still really long. what a mess. i got to see james today cuz normally i don't see him since he opens on the days i don't. but i saw him today and that was cool. i like james. he's jolly cuz he's this big black man. =) i didn't get my tips from last week cuz it was too busy. i guess i'll get them on sunday. i only got $11 this week. the tips were low. only $1.02 per hour worked. oh well. time to take a nap and then go to universal.

poor dan. he just called me and told me that his program for his project that is due right now was working just fine not long ago, and now it's all fucked up. =( so he has to run to campus and debug it really fast. i hope it works for him. =) he said he was really sorry he didn't come by tonight but that's fine. he had to do his project and that's more important than anything right now. i know if i was in his position and had something really pressing due by midnight, i probably wouldn't even declare that i was gonna see him. cuz when i have something really important due, i am a real bitch and just say fuck everything else. haha anyway, i'll see him tomorrow and give him the thing i made for him. it's cute i think. i took a photo of it but i don't want to post the photo til after i've given it to him. otherwise it would ruin the surprise. it took way longer than it looks like it would. and cost a bit more than you'd expect but whatever. it's cute. maybe i can make that sacher torte tomorrow. i didn't get the ingredients yet. i have to work late tho. poop. oh well. i just took a quiz to find out what sort of kiss i am. i am the "soft kiss." i think that sounds about right for me.

vagrant was so dead today. marisa wasn't there so me and laura didn't have much to do. we went to tweedy and he sent us off to get koufax's master cd that was just pressed. we did that and then had nothing to do. they ordered pizza in the office so we ate some but we were still hungry. so we debated what to do. then finally we just went to jack in the box. that was the most fucked up thing. cuz in LA they have this stupid ass plexi glass shit everywhere in case ppl try to shoot or something in like post offices and whatnot. it's hard to explain if u don't know what i'm talking about. but anyway, i've never seen it *inside* a fast food place. i've seen it for the drive thru. but this was fucking ridiculous. we walked in and there is a plastic glass case covering the whole counter. u talk through the glass to give ur order. u slip the money in the little money tray. you pick up your food in the 2 way door container thing. fucking insane. we knew we were in ghettoland. then this hispanic woman comes in wanting to sell us shit. but the best part about it as that she was wearing this bright colored lipstick and there was a line of is BELOW her bottom lip. as is somehow it got imprinted from her lip. fucking hilarious. oh my god. haha anyway, after that, laura and i decided to just not return to vagrant cuz there was nothing to do. half the office was at the warped tour to see alkaline trio perform. we also decided we wouldn't come in on friday cuz there would still be nothing to do. so alas this week is winding down already. perhaps i can do something with dan tonight. who knows. i work at starbucks tomorrow tho. poop.

after being online for 3 days, 9 hours, 15 minutes, i need to restart my computer because it's on the fritz. and i should probably turn it off tonight too.

my boredness has turned me to food. first i got off the fone with dan and laid on my bed thinking of what to do. that turned into me falling asleep for about 30 min and drooling on my pillow. lovely! i woke up and decided to go to spudnuts to get an apple fritter. this made me think about baking. and that made me think of those little cookbooks i got in england and austria. so i pulled them out now and i found stuff i want to make. i want to make a sachertorte. of course it is not the original recipe because that is a secret guarded at the hotel sacher in vienna. but i'd like to take a stab at this cake. however, it seems a slight bit complicated. for example, i have never successfully separated the egg yolk from the egg white to bake with. maybe i can convince dan to help me make this. sometimes i feel like i pester him entirely too much. like i want to make this cake with him. and i want him to help me make my new dickhunter shirt since he helped me last time. and i asked him to take me to the ENT when i get my turnbinates injected. he never really asks me for such things. i feel bad. =(

still bored as hell and i think i pissed dan off slightly by calling him back. i'm disrupting his efforts to get on a sleeping schedule. but i'm BORED!!! =(

I'M SO FUCKING BORED AND ANTSY!!! AAAHHHHHHHH!!!

dude, gino -- the guy in charge who interviewed me -- graduated from SC just last, last may. and he's already where he is. that's awesome. he was mentioning just now how we saw each other at that party after he interviewed me. that was funny.

i LOVE the song fake plastic trees. =)

it's so fucking hot today!! i hate it. i realized that i never really walk around outside in the heat. cuz everyday i work in a place that is air conditioned. and my car has AC too. so i never really feel the heat. but today i went to campus to take care of some errands and boy was i feeling the heat. =( i then called dan's work to see if he was there to surprise visit him. but the man who answered the fone then gave dan the fone. so no surprise. poop. but i got to see him so that's all that matters really. =) tonight will be a long night at universal cuz we have a guest speaker tonight. it's the guitarist from something corporate i believe. could be interesting. and of course they feed us. so that's good. i dunno what i'll do when i get home. prolly see what dan is up to. he'll prolly be working on his project. maybe i'll watch my incubus dvd or rent the special edition memento dvd and watch it forward. i really wanna do that. see how it is.

i'm just full of posts today aren't i? this is what happens when you don't want to do your work. i slack off at universal and just fuck around with the computer and the internet. take random quizzes online. find song lyrics. all sorts of shit. i just got back from eating with dan. we decided to meet and eat dinner cuz we both hadn't eaten. oh dan. i like him a lot. i think seeing him for that brief amount of time made me want to see him more. i feel so lame tho cuz i'm like the most awkward girl ever. i want to hold hands but i'm too nervous. i want to kiss him goodbye, but i'm too scared. why am i nervous? why am i scared? it's all this insecurity. but what for? ugh. i'm so lame. if i could just get past the fear once i would overcome it i think. but it's getting past that first hurdle. poop. i hate myself. i walked home the rest of the block just thinking about how lame i am. and then i passed the fence i always pass and i saw this box and it reminded me of an animal. a dog or a lion or something. i can see it going "woof!" i went and got my digital camera to document it. it didn't come out quite true to life but u get the picture. i passed by rick and lawrence and rick was like "oh jen. are you becoming an artist now?" hehe

i just heard another song from my r&b past that i really liked at the time and has good lyrics. "all my life" by k-ci & jo jo. daniel who i dated in high school used to love this song and the album it is on. man that was sooooo long ago. here are the lyrics:

all my life
- k-ci & jo jo

i will never find another lover sweeter than you,
sweeter than you
and i will never find another lover more precious than you
more precious than you
girl you are close to me you're like my mother,
close to me you're like my father,
close to me you're like my sister,
close to me you're like my brother
you are the only one my everything and for you this song i sing

and all my life i've prayed for someone like you
and i thank god that i, that i finally found you
all my life i've prayed for someone like you
and i hope that you feel the same way too
yes, i pray that you do love me too

i said you're all that i'm thinking of.....baby

said, i promise to never fall in love with a stranger,
you're all i'm thinking of, i praise the lord above,
for sending me your love, i cherish every hug,
i really love you

and all my life, baby, baby, i've prayed for someone like you,
and i thank god that i, that i finally found you, baby
all my life i've prayed for someone like you
and i hope that you feel the same way too
yes, i pray that you do, love me

you're all that i ever known, when you smile, on my face, all i see is a glow.
you turned my life around, you picked me up when i was down,
you're all that i ever known, when you smile on your face all i see is a glow,
you picked me up when i was down
you're all that i ever known, when you smile on your face all i see is a glow,
you picked me up when i was down and i hope that you feel the same way too,
yes i pray that you do love me too

all my life, i've prayed for someone like you,
and i thank god that i, that i finally found you
all my life i've prayed for someone like you
yes, i pray that you do love me too
all my life i've prayed for someone like you
and i thank god that i, that i finally found you
all my life i've prayed for someone like you
yes, i pray that you do love me too

still at universal. itching to go home. i have another hour and 10 min. poop. only one person has noticed that i cut my hair -- jason. yay jason! =) i've been listening to a lot of radiohead and u2 lately. steering myself away from the emo for a bit. i love radiohead. at least during the bend and ok computer era. now they are a bit too experimental for me. "fake plastic trees" is the best man. love that fucking song. hehe dan said he'd come visit me later tonight. yay dan! ok, back to work.

wow. blast from the past. someone was playing mary j. blige. old school stuff. the song "be happy" off the my life album released in 1994. how do i know this? cuz i used to own the album. back when i was into r&b. anyway, i liked the lyrics to the song so i have decided to post them below:

be happy
- mary j. blige

how can i love somebody else
if i can't love myself enough to know
when it's time,
time to let go
sing

(chorus)
all i really want
is to be happy
and to find a love that's mine
it would be so sweet
(repeat)

i ask for the sign
from the sweet lord above
i know the answer is in front of me
but when you think you're in love
you only see what you wanna see
and all i see is me for you
and you for me

oh i cannot hide the way i feel inside
(no i don't know why)
i don't know why but every day i wanna cry
(every day i wanna cry)
if i give you one more try
to there rules, will you abide
and if i mean anything to you
would it make everything all right

(chorus)

i just wanna be so, so, happy
but the answer lies in me
i do believe
that we can be happy
i said i wanna be happy, yeah

life is too short
to be tryin to play some games
now take some time and think about
if it's really worth losing me
why must it be this way
why do you have to play with my mind
all the time
help me sing it

all i really want is for me to be happy
ohhh, just help me sing it
all i really want is for me to be happy
yeahhhhhhh
all i really want is for me to be happy
oh, you know i wanna be happy, yeah, yeah
~repeat through chorus~

i don't wanna have to worry about nothin no more
said i wanna be, said i wanna be, said i wanna be
(chorus)

i want to go to the beauty bar! they have $10 martini & manicure happy hour. that sounds fun. i must go sometime soon! kyla wants to go too. anyone else? let me know. we'll round up a crew and go. it could be cute and fun. =)

talk about inconsistencies in life. i woke up at 4am this morning and went to work at starbucks til 9:30am. then i came home and took a nap. i woke up at 1pm and got ready for universal. i left at 2:15pm and michael was still asleep. u know what this means? this means that i started my day twice and went to two different jobs and he was still sleeping!! how fucking crazy is that?

i had this dream while i was napping that one of the regular customers who comes in had a conversation with me for a long time. his name is brad and he's gonna be a senior at SC majoring in like chemistry or something. everyday he gets a grande iced americano in a venti cup and some sort of pastry. usually a rice krispie treat. anyway, so in my dream i was leaving my shift and then started talking to him somehow and we had this long conversation and there was that awkward moment at the end where i could tell he wanted to ask me for my number but then was too chicken shit to do it so we said goodbye and that he'd see me on thursday when i came in next. i thought that was a funny dream. now i'm dreaming about starbucks!! good lord. dewy-eyed brad was in my dream. kyla and i always tease about him at home cuz he looks sorta cracked out cuz his eyes are usually watery or something. anyway, time to shower and get to universal.

just about every monday and thursday i wake my ass up at 4am after having gone to bed around midnight. i'm usually tired as hell but i push forward and get out the door around 4:30. i walk alone in the dark to starbucks and sit down on this one big rock. while i'm walking i think about how long it will take for nancy or ami to arrive and open the door. without fail i am always there before they are. i go and sit on my rock and then i close my eyes and wait. if it's nancy, it usually means waiting about 10 min. if it's ami then i only wait about 3. while i wait i think about dan it seems. how much i like him and how i want to see him later on in the day. i never really realized that this is a common theme but it's true. cuz i was walking to work today and i was thinking of dan and then i was like "hmm...i seem to do this everytime i walk here and wait." and then i realized that basically it's true. i do that just about every monday and thursday. anyway, this little entry is rather pointless but whatever. it's how i feel. so be it! now it's time for me to take a nap because i am tired and have to go to universal at 3pm. oh joy of joys.

i feel a bit lonely. i'm not sure why. perhaps cuz i've been in my room for a good portion of the day. =( i cleaned my room so that i don't have so much shit on the floor. that's good. and i tried to make a fan that emily and i bought stuff for. it didn't work out. it looks lame and doesn't open far enough to write a message on it like i wanted it to. poop. oh well. i was gonna give it to dan but now it's just pointless cuz it looks so lame. =( oh well.

oh man. what a great night last night! =) it was super long tho. first we went to el cholo at like 7pm. rick drove lawrence, michael, dan and jason. i drove emily, jessica and tyler. tyler bought our car a round of margueritas. that was nice of him. i couldn't finish mine tho cuz i was starting to feel it and i was driving. so he and jessica finished the rest. the dinner was good but i should have gotten the green corn tamale instead of the one i had. poop. oh well. it was fun. a bit awkward for me sitting in between tyler and dan. actually the whole night was weird just cuz tyler has never really met all my friends and they know all about him but they have all never met. but everyone thought tyler was cool so that was good. me and rick brought up the fact that half the table had hooked up with each other. i said it would have been classic if we sat in this order: rick, next to jessica, next to tyler, next to me, next to dan. that would have been great. anyway, so after dinner, we went to the bonaventure hotel and tried to find the bar we were gonna go to. we couldn't find it tho. so we went to the top and went to the lounge where the room rotates. that was trippy. some people got some drinks and then we decided to leave. we tried to go to mccormick's but it was closed. then we went to the standard downtown and that was a long line and we weren't feelin it. so lawrence suggested this party that harrison told him about out on wilshire. so we went there. i let tyler drive my car cuz he was basically sober and wanted to see how my car handled. he drove really fast and freaked us all out. but we got to the place in one piece. so that was good. the party turned out to be at this really nice house with all the black ppl from track! so we didn't know anyone but lawrence which was awkward. we met some of the people there including this weird guy todd who was gay and seemed into michael a lot. he was sweating too and really drunk i think. weird. people starting drinking from our group and then all was well cuz they were drunk! we stayed there for awhile. tyler said something that i thought was funny. he was referring to a man who was heavy but not heavy in the arms cuz he wasn't heavy all his life. he was fat from "obtained weight" since he was like 30. i thought that sounded funny. so i wrote it down to remember it. silly me. anyway, right before we were leaving, dan had his arm around me which was nice but a bit weird for me cuz u know, i have my intimacy/PDA issues. i shall get over this eventually!! anyway, so this one girl asks "so are you guys a couple?" and it was like this awkwardness. i sorta looked around as if someone was gonna say something which of course they weren't. and so i was like, "umm yeah. sorta." and then the girl knew that she had hit a strange nerve since we weren't really official and so it was diffused i guess. it was just funny. but really. me and dan never actually said what the hell we were. so saying we're a couple. is that right? hell. i have no idea. having "the talk" just fucks shit up anyway. so i'm not even gonna bring it up unless he does.

anyway, to break up the paragraph that will never end. haha after the party we went back here. we decided we'd just get jessica's alcohol and then come here and drink and have fun. so that's what we did. and it was fun. i got drunk and stoned a bit. everyone was a bit stoned actually. good times. we broke out the twister and that was chaos. haha playing with a skirt is not a good idea. at one point i had to stretch my leg over everyone on the board and i was in the funkiest position ever. dan was under me which was just so funny. i think someone took a photo for me. at least i hope so. we played a couple rounds of that before people got tired. then everyone departed and we ended the night around 3:30am. dan didn't stay over entirely cuz he said that sleeping with someone two nights in a row is too hard cuz u don't get good sleep. i agree. so he left around 6am. when he left he picked me up and carried me to the door. that was cute. we had some interesting conversations before that tho and we argued over who was more happy that my period was over finally. i still insist it should be me because i'm the one that had to deal with that crap for like a whole month! i'm so glad i'm back on track now. woohoo! anyway, the night was good and it worked out in the end. tyler said he might have a party at some point since his parents are gone. that would be good times. all of us heading down to newport to drink til our heart's content. =)

ok lawrence said he won't drink to prove to me that it's not about drinking. that makes me happy. not that i was sad. but it's all about principle. that's all it is.

i can't believe those fuckers won't drive. they didn't even respond to my email. i should stick them in my car all cramped up. that would be good. at least they will be uncomfortable the entire car ride. that was such bullshit about not having to drink to have a good time. whatever. fuck them. lawrence's birthday will almost certainly involve drinking. fuck me if i have to drive. i will refuse to no end. i won't forget this for sure. just like i'll never forget "waistbanding." oh yes. waistbanding...

woohoo! i think my period is *finally* over!!! u have no idea how much joy this brings me. the month of hell is over. =)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESSICA!!!

tonight is jessica's little birthday shindig at el cholo followed by the flower bar downtown. this will be fun. i am excited. even if i do end up driving. i just sent out an email to everyone stating how i feel about this driving cars situation. because i am fucking pissed about michael and lawrence saying you don't need to drink to have a good time and then not offering to drive at all. that's fucking bullshit in my opinion. i hope this doesn't start a horrible war in this house but hell, i have to stand my ground on this one. because i think it's very hypocritical of them. ugh! i hold grudges. it's not one of my better points. anyway, half the day has gone by and i haven't done anything productive. shameful jen. shameful. time to do something with the next 3.5 hours before we go to jessica's thing.

the 4th of july is always a letdown. either there's too much fog and you can't see the fireworks. as it always was in san francisco. or it's too crowded where you're at. or you just can't plan properly. that was the case last nite. poor planning. or should i say, no planning. so first i woke up from my nap all angry because i had this dream that i talked to dan and he basically told me to piss off and do my own thing for the 4th cuz he was doing his own thing. that made me soooooo angry that when i woke up i was still pissed! but then he called me and said he'd come over. so that was fun. he came and we went to josh's bbq first which was a cute little thing but 1) i don't know those boys *that* well and 2) i had to go to jason's bbq cuz i know them better. so i left josh's rather quickly and dan said he'd call me later to find where i was. so i went to jason's and my roommates arrived just when i did. so we ate food and took fotos. that was fun. but then no one knew what to do for seeing fireworks. my roommates went home and made a plan while i waited at jason's for jessica, emily. and dan to arrive. because by then they had called and said they were coming there and we'd all walk back to my place together. so we did that. got home. the boys decided on mahattan beach. so we went in my car and rick's. my car got there way faster so we had to wait for rick's. the fireworks were lame. they were too far away and with too low cloud cover. figures. we met up with this group of people that i don't really know but lawrence knows them -- jill, kim, jessica, and this guy. they aren't 21 so bars were out of the question. not that i could drink anyway since i was driving. and michael and lawrence pissed me off saying that u don't need to drink to have a good time. fucking hell. drive then. fucking drive the fucking car and dont drink. how about that? but they were already drunk so it wouldn't work. we all stood around for like an hour trying to decide what to do. my patience was zero to none and i wanted to just go home. i didn't fucking care if the girls weren't 21 and couldn't go to bars. i didn't fucking want to stand there in the cold. we ended up getting a free pizza out of it but other than that, it blew. we finally decided to all come back here which was what i wanted to do in the first place. ugh! but when we came back, all we did was watch tv. bad tv too! for a long time. poor jessica fell asleep! finally she and emily left. then me and dan left. dan couldn't stay over cuz he had to work today and he doesn't have a container for his contacts. so that was my 4th of july. never goes the way you want it. sad.

i got off work early by and half an hour cuz it was super slow today. figures. it's a holiday. who the hell is gonna wake up at 5:30 to get coffee? only those who are working. but most ppl have today off. a few regulars came in including john who got his 6 shots of espresso on ice. he seems like a cool guy. anyway, it was super slow and me and nancy were basically just cleaning things and stuff cuz there were no customers. i only sold like $150 worth of stuff. normally i sell at least $300-400. sometimes $500. so today was definitely slow. no lines at all. i got time and half for my 4 hours of work tho. so that's cool. now i need to take a nap and then figure out what i'm doing today. sal was nice and fatherly and when i left he was like "now you be careful today jennifer. there will be a lot of crazies out tonight. just be safe in whatever you do." i thought that was cute. =) perhaps i will redye my hair today and wash my shoes. cuz my cons are getting mighty dirty and my hair is fading fast. i went to the store and the man told me to first put the red in my hair, then put a cap over it, then heat it up for 30 min with a blow dryer. that'll make the color last longer. so i shall try that. i hope it works. or else i'm gonna have to go with some more permanent hair dye that is darker red or something.

so we didn't go to the 9-0. we stopped by our neighbors party and the boys thought it was decent so they decided to stay. so no 9-0. i escaped again. woo! now i need to sleep. i open starbucks in about 5 hours. =( tomorrow is gonna be chaos i think cuz there seem to be too many choices of things to do. too many friends to please. i definitely want to see dan tomorrow tho. so i'm not sure what that means. but yeah. anyway. sleep time.

so working at starbucks for those 2 hours went by super fast. i got there and it was really busy cuz everyone wanted frappucinos. old and new kinds. at one point we seriously had like 15 fraps to make and they just kept coming. ami went in the back to make more mix cuz we ran out of that. and whipped cream. it was insane. then it died down a bit. it was fun working with ami, tony, and mario. mario is so cute cuz he's like this young 19 year old boy who speaks spanish and just looks really young and bright-eyed. i'm not sure i'm describing this right. he thinks i look completely hispanic. we all chatted about random shit including how i'm not hispanic and what countries we've all been to. tony and i talk a lot about music. cuz he's into metal and stuff but some of our musical tastes overlap and he asks about working at vagrant and such cuz he's into some of the bands. so it's fun times working with those people. but i prefer the morning i think. less fraps, more coffee. altho nancy and the other jen aren't as friendly to me. they are friendly people but they tend to talk to themselves more. mario and tony interact with me more and ask me questions. and ami is just all over the place talking to everyone and chatting with the customers and all. she's really cool. anyway, so that was my day. my dreading working there for the 2 hours was rectified so to speak by the joy it brought me. altho it sorta put a damper on the day cuz all day i thought about how i had to work at night. oh well. dan came over and that honestly made me really happy. cuz i like random stop bys. they're totally unexpected and that makes me happy. =) now i'm off to the 9-0 with emily and my roommates cuz they go every wednesday and i told them that i would go this week for just like 30 min. i have to work tomorrow morning so i can't drink at all and i can't stay late cuz i need sleep. so i must leave no later than 11:45 so i can be in bed by midnight. altho i'm getting rather tired right now so i might leave sooner. we'll see.

aww. dan just randomly showed up. i actually was just thinking about that earlier before i took a psuedo nap. wouldn't it be nice if dan came over randomly? cuz i'm totally doing nothing. and then he came! right when the cable man came to fix our box. yay dan. =)

i decided to make my own storTrooper after i saw what jessica did. it looked like fun. it was hard to be totally creative since the skin tones are restrictive and there are only so many types of hairstyles and clothes. but i tried my best. it was also hard not to ignore how jessica created some of the people. for example, when i saw that she used the cane with rick, that just totally seemed to make sense. or the funky shirt for tyler. and for me, hell, she basically nailed me down. i think i chose the same things she did. anyway, here is my crack at creating some people. i think michael looks the best out of all of them. sadly they don't have a skin tone that is right for asians so me, emily, and melissa look sorta weird. oh well. and there is no difference in height so lawrence and dan are just the same height as me and emily. go figure!

holy fucking shit. someone just walked into our house. some high school age kid. prolly trying to steal shit. our door was unlocked and he walked in and kyla noticed it afterward and came to me. but i didn't know what to do cuz i'm just as weak as she is. so we got michael to get the guy out. thankfully he didn't have a weapon or anything. holy fucking shit tho. that's creepy. very creepy. no more unlocked doors.

on a totally different note. i'm getting my hair cut on friday at 2pm at the vidal sassoon academy. i hope they don't fuck up my hair. i wanted to go somewhere else to get it cut, but at $35 i couldn't afford it. i'm also working at starbucks tonight for 2 hours to cover half of kyla's shift so she could go home today. so i'm working from 7:30-9:30pm. that blows. cuz it's the first day of the new drinks too. then i gotta work tomorrow morning at 4:45am. poop.

i feel sad. i am sad. =(

why am i awake? it's 7 in the fucking morning and here i am blogging. i woke up not too long ago probably because my body was telling me i need to go to the bathroom and tend to my ever present period that never goes away!!! sometimes i wonder just how the hell i'm still standing with this much loss of blood. maybe i should eat something with a lot of iron. make sure my blood count isn't too low. ugh! it should all be over in less than a week when my body adjusts finally to the pill. anyway, i decided to re-read dan's email that he sent to me a few weeks ago telling me why we wouldn't work out. it was a response to an email i sent him after we had "talked." i think i might have mentioned this before when i received the email. anyway, i decided to re-read it. and now i am scared and concerned that in about 3 wks i could be in some serious pain. cuz he'll start to feel trapped and push me away and then it'll just be sadness before i know it. he said in the email that he understood my pain and that he wanted more than anything to fix it but that taking the easy way out and just going into a relationship would be a bad idea. yet here we are. i mean, granted he did say a week after the email that he had rethought all of this. but i'm still scared. i mean, i feel like things are ok right now. but i suppose he could feel the same way. and then a little down the line, boom. not ok. i told my dad the other day that dan and i were sorta dating and whatnot, and he was happy for me and warned not to think about the future at all. but just to enjoy the moment and get whatever you can out of the relationship for experience. and whatever happens in the end will be a learning experience. so i suppose that's the way to look at it. also, i remember saying to myself that i didn't think it was fair that dan was unwilling to even try this out and that i'm a glutten for punishment. i'd rather try it out and have it not work and me be sad and deal with that, then be stressed out because he wouldn't try and i'd never know if would work or not. anyway, i think i'm totally overanalyzing everything again. i need to just slip back into cruise control again. perhaps reading that email was not such a good idea. i'm not sure why i did it. i remember thinking about it yesterday at work and how i wanted to read it again. but now having done so, was it really necessary? probably not.

on a completely different note, i need to start running again. running is the one good way to lose weight. going to the gym is alright and all, but that's more for building muscle and toning up. and while that is good and all, i just want to lose some weight. yes, everyone thinks i'm so thin. and i guess i am thin. but if i lost like 5 lbs i'd probably happier with myself and feel healthier. yes, i am insecure. i really hate running and that's probably half the reason it's so hard for me to go and do it. but the other half is that i'm always tired. with a job and two internships, it's hard to find time to run. whenever i come home it's always late and i'm always tired. =( maybe i'll go run right after i come home. i just hate having to take two showers as well. that always sucks. ugh. whatever. i'll figure it out.i should go back to sleep now. it's been like 30 min since i started this post.

shoot me now. i'm so fucking antsy. ugh. 1.5 hours to go. i can't wait to get out of here. ugh. my brain slowly slips into the gutter....what is the best song to makeout to? i used to think it was "porcelain" by moby until i actually tried it out and realized it's only good if you makeout the way people do in the movies. and of course no one looks that good making out. anyway, so now i don't know what's the best song. and what's the best album? someone slower i would think. but what? ugh. thinking of anything besides my work here...

holy shitballs. my brandon boyd site is now the #1 site on google when you search for "brandon boyd." that's fuckin rad. i haven't updated the site in a long time and yet it's got over 48,000 hits since january. wow! i always wonder whether i should continue with the site or not. if knew better html i would do so. we'll see. but it's #1!!! woohoo! =)

yesterday was LOOOOOONG day. oh my god...so first up. me, emily, and jessica went to the dashboard video shoot for the song "saints and sailors." i think i can officially recite the lyrics by heart without any hesitation. this is where i say i've had enough. no one should ever feel the way that i feel now. a walking open wound. a trophy disply of bruises. and i don't think i'm getting any better. any better....waiting here with hopes the phone will ring. and i'm thinking awful things. pretty sure that few will notice. and this apt is starving for an argument. anything at all to break the silence...." ok that's enough of that. anyway, the video was shot at the el rey theater and was supposed to be one of those concert videos. there were lots of emo-ish kids there. and some people were "featured." that meant that they will for sure be seen in the video because they have a "role." ie, the girl that crowd surfs. or the guy that gets the t-shit thrown to him. or the girls that enter the building. there were some real bitchy girls who were pretty and cared soooo fucking much about being featured. made me want to vomit. the t-shit guy apparently knows either rich or john -- the owners of vagrant. or maybe he's related to them. not sure. but that's how he got the "role." his action appears right behind where i was standing. so i bet in the video u'll be able to see some portion of me as well as emily and jessica. and t-shirt guy oddly enough, reminded me a lot of dominic. like if dominic took away all his piercings, dyed hair and tattoos, i feel like he would look a hell of a lot like this guy. it was weird. they had the same face structure. if he didn't look like such a dick, i'd have asked to take a photo of him. anyway, after about 6 hours of shooting the fucking video over and over, we wrapped around 6:30 pm. by then so many people had left cuz they couldn't take it anymore. i stayed because dashboard was gonna perform a little set for us at the end. that was really cool. they played some new songs. if i had stood over by the vagrant crew -- marisa, jesse, rich, etc, i prolly could have gone backstage afterward. cuz laura stood over there and i think she went backstage. oh well. whatever. i'm not that big of a fan. i mean i love the music but i'm not like a HUGE fan of chris carabba the way some people are. anyway, after that we went to ralphs to get my haagen daz tiramisu gelato ice cream. finally found it! =) then i came home. i was supposed to do my laundry but then i talked to dan and he basically got me to convince myself to go over there and help him make a cake and hear his gossip. so i went over there around 9 something and i was supposed to leave at like 11. but of course i didn't. i HAD to leave tho cuz i had to work today at starbucks. he said i could stay but i couldn't even tho i was so fucking tired. i almost fell asleep on his bed but he made me get up cuz he knew i had to leave. he made reference to my blog entry about the guy the other night that was hot with the tattoos and such. he said that if that should ever happen again i shouldn't feel bound to him and should be free to explore my options. but see, i don't want to do that. cuz first of all, the tattoo guy would be merely a hookup. cuz he's totally not relationship material. i mean come on. look at him. he's got tattoos and piercings! he looks like a dick. people like that don't want relationships and you shouldn't want a relationship with them anyway. second of all, i really like dan. i like being with him. i don't want to be with anyone else. lots of people you come across are hot and nice to look at, but that doesn't mean you want to be with them. altho, this does concern me slightly because if i am free to just do whatever, that means he is too. and this could severely hurt me in the end. so i'm not so sure how i feel about *that.* ugh. anyway, doing my laundry now since i didn't last nite. wednesday the new creme frappucino's at starbucks come out. we tried them. they are quite yummy. i think a lot of people will be getting them this summer.