parties were alright tonight. one was on a rooftop. that was rad. view of city while drinking. dan's julia was there. i'm sure we both knew that we saw each other, but neither made a motion to say hi. oh well. whatever. we made some new friends -- brandon, rob, paul, scott, and eli. basically i was just standing around and then this guy taps me on my back. i turn around and he asks me my name and introduces himself as brandon. him and his roommates are having a party tomorrow night. could be fun. we'll check it out. rick complimented me on my tank top and said i should wear it to more parties. haha if i did that, then everyone would think i only had one top! =P tomorrow is shopping for an outfit for our party. i gotta wear something neat. i was thinking if i could make anything, but i can't think of anything to make. oh and emily told graig that i blocked him from AIM. but that's not true. i don't have him blocked. if i did, he wouldn't be able to see me online. and if he realized that he's seem me online, then he'd realize i couldn't have blocked him. but emily told him that and then he apparently got super pissed. oh well. i don't know what to say. tinna comes next wednesday! our party next friday. dom and tyson come on the 21st or something like that. yay! excitement. =) now it's time to sleep!

woo! i'm excited. tyson just emailed me. him and dom and 3 other boys are gonna be staying here. i'm excited! and they are coming a little sooner than expected. they are leaving on a friday. staying here saturday, sunday, and monday. leaving tuesday. i'll get to go to disneyland with them too. yay! i'm excited. =) this just made my day even better! =)

i used to want to be a "businesswoman." i didn't know what i wanted to do but i wanted to work in some large fortune 500 company doing business stuff. then i got the brilliant idea that i wanted to work in the film industry. be a producer. cuz that melded film and business. i got this idea about a year and half before i went to college. so once college apps came around, i knew what i wanted. i'd go to a school that had both film and business. learn both and go out into the industry. but about a year and half ago that idea started to wane. then i thought music and movies somehow. like mtv. but then gradually that faded to just music. but what in music? marketing! i took a marketing class and i thought that marketing music would be fun. melds business and music. but then i found out that marketing jobs don't pay much and really marketing isn't what i wanted to do. cuz i interned at universal and vagrant and realized that marketing wasn't the ticket. it's cool to a certain extent, but it doesn't excite me to think about marketing. then i somehow started this kick for web design. cuz i like working on websites. they take a lot of time and that's why i never want to update my stuff cuz it takes so long. but if it was my job, it would be cool. the seed was planted when i went to see 40 days and 40 nights with andy. yes, that silly guitar boy has something to do with my future. sad. haha anyway, in that movie josh hartnett works a web design company in san francisco. it looked really chill. small office. young people. cool environment. at the time i was still thinking marketing but when my marketing ideas started to dwindle, this web design idea came into play from that movie. and so here i am. wanting to go to the art institute and learn web design. i was searching online for web design stuff and i came across two sites that just tickle my fancy. the first is this one for digitalthread. it's lists the top web design companies all over the world. shows work by different people who have really great portfolios. not just web design but other media related things. man, i could surf this site for hours. there are so many links to really cool looking websites. it makes me so excited. i really wanna learn how to do stuff like that. it looks so cool. the other site i came across is for the company liberation media that is based out of santa barbara and chicago. they do a lot of work for small bands and such. it's cool. oh man. i wanna do this web design stuff! this is my new career goal. i hope i don't change my mind in 6 months and have no idea what to do post college. yikes! one week til our party. tinna arrives next week as well. yay!

my eyes hurt. i woke up feeling like i had a hangover even though i didn't drink anything at the party last nite! i had lunch with dan today. it went well. he seemed happy and lauhging and joking. the good ole dan i know and love. =) that whole week of not talking or basically saying nasty things via AIM is all in the past and we joked about it. all is way. yay dan! =) poor thing has so much work and school that he seems to have a very small social life. perhaps this is part of the reason i never see him anymore. sad. anyway, i want to do something tonight. there is a party but i don't know how keen i am on going to it. i think i'll nap now and then figure out what to do later. maybe my eyes won't hurt as much then.

concerts concerts concerts!! fuckin eh. too damn many that i want to see. here they are:

- ozma & locale am @ chain reaction 9/7
- rooney @ glass house 9/7
- sparta @ glass house 9/9
- sunday's best @ rozy 9/12
- sunday's best @ spaceland of dreams 9/22
- midtown & taking back sunday @ el rey 10/1
- midtown & taking back sunday @ chain reaction 10/2 & 10/4
- rooney @ chain reaction 10/12
- saves the day & ash @ palace 11/2 & 11/3
- saves the day & ash @ hob anaheim 11/4

now i have to find people who will go with me. i REALLY wanna see rooney and saves the day. those are my top two. i think i'll go to the ozma show cuz they are playing with locale am. and last year i hooked up with that chris guy. and his friend eric is in that band. i have never seem them live but i heard their cd. so i wanna check them out. but yeah. so many fucking concerts. it's great! but expensive. =(

omg. today i saw all these look-alike people on campus. i saw a guy who looked like DA soooooo much. i had to do double, triple, quadruple takes to realize that it wasn't him. it was so weird. they looked so much alike i swear. i also saw a blonde, caucasian version of blaise. that was weird. it was like they had the same face type but different color hair and complexion. i also saw someone that had the same face type as chris who i hooked up with. except that this guy had dif style and seemed to be slowly losing his hair. poor thing. that's all for the look-alikes. i saw the guitar boys from far away and jeremy looked so gay. it was just awful. they didn't see me thankfully. it's just this time from my past that i'd rather not revisit. no regrets. just not looking back. trying to look forward as much as possible. even if i do still think about dan and how we now never talk. he never calls me. why do i always have to be the one trying to save friendships it seems? i had to do it with tyler. now he's thankful for my persistance and i am too. but it's like, why is it always me being the one to call and email and shit? it makes it feel so one-sided and i HATE that. ugh! party in one week and one day. woo!

wow. i went out to bars on a wednesday night. i feel like i'm in brighton again! haha i went out with emily and her friend wai-kay. we went to the liquid kitty but it was really dark and crowded enough to where there weren't any tables left yet it wasn't so full that you couldn't see everyone. we felt out of place because it was just the three of us. we figure it would be a better place if we went in a larger group that was both male and female. so we decided to leave. we went to the beauty bar. it was cute but it too wasn't really crowded. cuz it's a wednesday. and happy hour is only friday and saturday where u can get a martini and manicure for $10. so we must go back for that. but this place was cute. we sat and chilled and had a drink. me and emily did a lot of talking about post-college life. i think i wanna move to seattle now. cuz i was talking to tweedy at vagrant today and he said that portland is alright but basically it's just a mini version of seattle. seattle is better cuz there is more to do. he has a lot of friends up there who really like it and he likes it too. and other people i have spoken to like seattle. granted it rains a lot there. but so does portland. so now i'm thinking seattle. but i have to visit first. so i really hope me and kyla go on that road trip up there for spring break. cuz if i like it, i wanna move there and go to the art institute for my web design degree. it'll be a nice change of pace. emily will probably move back to canada so i'll be like 4 hours away from her by car. rick will come visit me on occasion because he's from washington. i can see sarah who i've never even met in person but we talk via email all the time. and maybe kyla will move there with me! i doubt it though cuz i don't think they have her grad school program up there. poo. i was thinking about how i'll miss people if i leave LA. but really, i think either way i'll miss people. cuz probably about half the people i know are staying here. the core people i mean. extraneous people don't factor into this. so half the core people will stay and half will leave. of those who leave, they are all going in totally different directions. so why stay here and be hating LA? why not be just another one of the scattered folk? anyway, me and emily discussed that a lot tonight. it's sad thinking about graduation. i don't wanna have to say goodbye to people. =( it'll be heartwrenching. leaving for the UK was hard enough. this feels much more permanent. sad...

closing starbucks is a lot harder than opening it i think. more cleaning. more work in general i feel. or maybe just that the work takes more effort. who knows. some dude came in and he looked like a blonde version of tyson. it was weird. and some dude came in and asked what my favorite drink was and so i said a 4 shot white mocha. and so he said he'd get that. on my own advice. =) man my eyes hurt. and it's fucking hot in here. i don't know why. i gotta sleep now cuz my eyes are killing me.

my first day of classes is over and now i have to go to work at starbucks in about an hour. i wore the sweatband all day. i think some people were looking at me like, wtf? haha anwyay, i guess there's one good thing about being single. i can stare at boys around campus without feeling guilty and then if i actually got with one of them, there'd be no issues. not that i'd ever get the chance. but still. pipe dreams. ok, so here's the systematic rundown of my first day of school this year. so me, michael and kyla left the house together and guess who is the first person i see for this new school year. chris martins. the cute boy who i hooked up with junior year first semester. he's a year younger than me. man, he's still cute. it's his style. he was walking toward us with his bike and from far away i was like, "is that geoff's friend jay?" but then as he got a little closer i was like, "no way. it's chris!" and so when we passed we said hi and kept going. damn, he's still cute. i wonder if he's single and if he'll be at our party. he's still skinny too. =)

ok, so that was before i even made it to the campus! then i go to my first class. marketing 405. turns out they switched classrooms. so here we all are, sitting in the wrong room. well, at least like 20 of us are. then ian dailey who went to my high school, comes into the class and is like, "wait, this is mkt 405 right? the paper says it moved to acct 310." so we all go to the other room only to find that like half the class is there waiting for us dipshits to figure it out! and guess what, brian is in that class! i had a strong feeling he would be. and he was. yay! =) there were other people in there i knew. liv from the cinema floor. 3 people from my cinema major. ko fung from universal. and this guy who i always thought was hot who's been in some of my business classes -- robert michaels. so we did introductions and it turns out the sorta cute guy sitting next to me is from copenhagen! that's pretty rad. i ran into him on campus later when i was just killing time and we waved to each other. so at least we are on that basis. that's cool. i should invite him to our party! anyway, we got out early and so i walked with brian to the edge of campus and then he went home. i'd have gone with him but i didn't have *that* much time to kill. so i walked around and ran into row mike. turns out he's in my buad 311 class too. so we sat together in the huge lecture hall. and guess who's in that fucking class. andy. one of the guitar boys! fuckin eh. so i'm like all turning my head and shit so he won't see me. but i know he did. whatever. i got out of that class early and went and did my errands here and there. ran into lo outside the bookstore and tried to get my books but they didn't have them. ran into some other random people. then i chilled with row mike and justin. oh yeah. i saw a total of 5 people from the skatebot house. cuz brian and row mike are in my class. saw justin with row mike. then saw josh and dave randomly. neat. anyway, then i ran into adam from the substance free floor who liked my sweatband. i equally liked his random hat that he had on made of straw or something. then i ran into marc who i knew through liv, carolyn, kim and jamie from freshman year. that was weird cuz we like recognized each other yet didn't so we had to reintroduce ourselves. then i went and turned in my appeal letter for that fucking class from last semester that i hate thinking about. i doubt the guy will change my grade cuz he's not too with it. he's the head of our program but he's a former agent as well and likes scott, my teacher. whatever. ugh! then i futzed around and then went to my itp class. that class will be relatively easy i think. the teacher seems like he's an odd one. he wore a suit but it looked unnatural. and he had a hat one that seemed to cover up blonde hair with black zebra-like streaks. weird! but he had a nice looking face and nice eyes. whatever. no crushes on your teachers. haha

i should be sleeping because i have school tomorrow. oh well. i'll sleep after this entry. i just finished reading a bunch of old journal entries from brighton. jason IMed me earlier asking if i wanted to take a stroll down memory lane with him so he could fill out his brighton scrapbook with dates and such from the end of our stay. so i whipped out my journal to help him. then i started reading old entries. it's weird. like the night dominic convinced me to go to the club and he saw tyson for the first time in like a year. i remember that night really clearly and yet it's so strange to me cuz now i know those boys in a different way. and i realize now that i'm not utterly clueless cuz i wrote a lot about how i felt like i was getting vibes from tyson and jason didn't believe me. but hey, i was right! and all those late nights in pevensy doing my 8000 word dissertation. my god! and when dom slept at my place and just crawled into bed. i still think he went to the computer lab cuz he knew i'd be there and he could indirectly get me to offer my place for him to stay. sneaky bastard. hehe oh and how i was slick enough to include my fone # on some note once so tyson could use it to call me if he wanted. and the saddest night in brighton when me and jason were sitting alone eating dinner and missing lydia cuz she had just left. and me puking on the bus. so much stuff. good times. =)

man. already i feel the pressure of the classes that i have yet to attend. poo. i have decided i MUST wear the sweatband tomorrow. i've hyped it up too much not to wear it. =) i wonder how many people i will see on campus, and what will they think of the sweatband? already today i saw a few here and there. i even saw wendi walking down 29th street! ray came by to visit tonight. that was cool. we hardly ever see ray. let alone on the first day of school! i should wear a neat outfit to go well with my sweatband. if we have to do introductions, everyone is gonna think i look like a loon for wearing it. whatever. i'm one amongst the clones.

man. it's sad that summer is over. it was the last summer of college. =( it was probably my best summer. just because so much shit happened. all for the best too.

- 2 internships that taught me i don't want to really go into marketing for music
- my first real job: starbucks
- dating dan, losing him, and realizing that there is life after heartbreak (even if it sucks sometimes)
- going to oregon and finding out that i can be on my own for a little while
- learning that i don't want to live in LA after college

probably there is more. but already that is enough to make it a rad summer. school doesn't start for me until tomorrow. i'm contemplating reneging on the whole sweatband idea. we'll see. my classes this semester are all over the board. some are gonna suck major ass. and some are gonna be cool. i already can't wait for the web design class. i wish all my classes were that sorta shit. hence my wanting to go to web design school after college. i have to work on the orange:house site to revamp it for our upcoming party. it would be more fun to do that if i had extensive web design knowledge. oh well. i ran into josh on campus. we chatted for a few. i feel like he's hard to talk to cuz he's not really like welcoming with his words. it's like he'll talk to you. but he never seems like really into it. maybe it's just towards me. oh well.

i really want to find a couple cool bars where we (ie, me and all my friends) can go and hang out and get drinks and just have a good time. not a place where the music is so loud i have to scream to talk to the person next to me. not a place where i feel like every guy around me is gonna hit on me with some cheesy pick up line. not a place where you have to walk in half naked or else u are inappropriately dressed. and not a place where it's all hollywood wannabes trying to catch a glimpse of some falling star who is on his way out. a place that is just really rad. i have been looking up some bars and whatnot. there is one downtown called al's bar. but apparently it's more about the live music there. like some neat bands have played there in the past including beck and rocket from the crypt. it's more for the punk rock scene. i wanna go there. i figure it's not for everyone though. but two bars i'm pysched about trying out are the snake pit and liquid kitty. the snake pit is on melrose and is supposedly this small and unassuming neighborhood bar. it might be a cool place to check out where we can all just go and be chill. liquid kitty seems the most rad of all though. i am totally stoked on going there. it's got live music a few nights a week. it's small and dark. the drinks are supposedly really good and strong. and it just seems really cool. the website isn't that great but it gets great reviews all over. i think me, kyla, emily, her visiting friend wai-kay and maybe jessica if she wants to come, will try to go there on like wednesday night. it would be cool. if it's a good place, then we can bring more people there. try to make it our little hangout spot not around campus. cuz i really haven't been to many bars in LA and i want to find ones that aren't like on sunset. oh and of course we have to check out the beauty bar at least once. but that's for the novelty of getting a martini and manicure. that's probably gonna be a one time deal. but yeah. liquid kitty. i'm excited!

in other news. i called up nick tonight. we talked for 1 hour, 27 min, and 12 sec. that's what my cell fone said when i hung up. nick is cool. i haven't talked to him like all summer. i feel bad about it. he's all mature and shit cuz he had to grow up when his dad died and he had to deal with all the businesses and shit. it's weird how his life is so different than mine. i worry about petty shit like boys and such. he's worried about getting audited and dealing with lawsuits and crap like that. what i learned in finance class he's actually doing in real life. it's weird. but yeah. nick's cool. we gotta hang out soon. what else? the boys got high and watched some silly movie. i did not partake. sorta dropped the ball on the whole pot brownies thing once i came back from oregon. oh well. whatever. i've got major cramps and it blows cuz my tummy hurts. =( tinna is gonna come down and visit me next week and also come to our big party on the 6th! that'll be neato cheato. i'm excited. ky's friend julianna who she met in florence will be here as well. good times. i'm excited about the party. i hope it's fun and doesn't get broken up too early. that would blow.

school is coming and i'm dreading every second of it. i am almost positive i'm going to wear my sweatband on the first day of class which for me is tuesday. i know i'll look super lame but do i give a shit what sorority girls and fraternity boys think of me? hell fucking no. so whatever. it'll be fun. so if you see a girl with a red, white and blue sweatband on, with red wristbands, it's me! =)

just got back from trader joe's. went with emily and kyla. us 3 amigos. partners in crime. single for life. =) we have that bond. it's great. but sad. i bought some cheap wine that i will swig at all night for our party. it'll be great. i did that at the skatebot house, and that got me sufficiently buzzed. i actually have 2 bottles of cheap wine. so just in case i need more. tap into the reserves. haha

dan seems upset that i am concerned with whatever it is he did. the only reason i would be concerned is if he is dating someone. cuz if he hooked up with someone or had sex or whatever, i don't give a shit. it's none of my concern. we aren't dating. he has no obligations to me. but if he was dating someone else, then that would make me mad. because his whole basis for breaking up with me was because he "couldn't handle a relationship." he needed his space. me being around was too much. so if he went and jumped into another one, then that means he lied to me. and i don't like being lied to. i don't like being told one thing when it's just really a cover up for something else. at least give it to me straight. but anyway, that's totally jumping to conclusions. whatever. dan's in a shitty mood and so i shouldn't even try to be his friend right now. cuz i feel like all i'll get is the backlash of his anger. and what good will that do me? friendship is two-way. so i should just wait for him to come around and call me. or ask me to do something. although if i wait for that, who knows when i'll see him again. because he never calls me. he never asks me to do stuff with him anymore. sad but true. =(

yeah. messy. umm. dan did something that i think if i find out i will be upset about. not sure. i feel bad cuz i was being a dick to dylan. =( the rest of last night was cool. just going to random parties. being slightly drunk. good stuff. and me, kyla, and emily made a pact. we have to date for 3 months in total. so that's 1 month each. or if someone goes less than a month, then someone else has to pick up the slack. this 3 months can be made of 3 boys, or whatever it takes. as long as we all date for a combination of 3 months. that's our goal for the year. for most that seems so lame. they can get 3 months themselves, no problem. but looking at our track record, a month will be tough enough! hehe

fuckin eh. i have a lot in my head and i don't think it's coming out in this blog. at least not right now.

i feel like a dick. i told justin that i think two of his roommates are cute -- josh and brian -- only to find out that he thinks i'm attractive. eesh. i don't know what to say. and it's not like i'll ever get anywhere with his roommates. josh never drinks so he's always sober and that makes it hard to make a move. then brian is like still hung up on his ex. at least he drinks. but i can't break through that barrier. =( and i feel like a dick for the message i left on dan's machine. but then again, he said he was feeling shitty both physically and morally. and it makes me wonder what the hell he did to feel morally shitty. did he sleep with some girl? or is he dating someone new? those would be causes to feel morally shitty. whatever. my problem at hand right now is installing all the shit back onto my computer. THAT will be a pain in the ass! =(

i reformatted my hard drive and now i have to reinstall drivers and such but i don't have time cuz we are going to row mike's dinner and such. poo. my comp is all jacked looking and has like NO programs on it. poo.

i had a dream about school. but it was like i was in high school. with lockers and shit. but it was supposed to be college. and i was supposed to be taking classes for summer school. some science class that was just god awful. and then my cinema marketing class. but when i got to the class, the teacher was the biggest asshole in the world, and the subject matter changed. it was a comparative lit class and it was about sorority life! fuckin eh!?! i think it's combining all the shit i hate. it's taking me back to the class i had with the asshole agent teacher. and it's also combining my hate for all the sorority girls that will be in my classes this coming semester. oh man. i DON'T want school to begin. poo =( but for tonight, row mike's dinner and then party at skatebot house. yay! =)

me and ky went back to skatebot house to give row mike a cake for his bday. all this roomies were outside on the porch. so we all enjoyed some good ole cake. me and ky really like those boys. it would be so cute if we dated two of them. the orange:house girls dating the skatebot house boys! =) it'll never happen. but still. it would be cute.

oh. josh is so cute. i think i have a little crush on him again. =) it'll never amount to anything more than this. he asked me where dan was and why he wasn't there. i was like "well, dan's in a bad mood. but we aren't together anymore. so he's off doing his own thing anyway. but i can tell him about your party tomorrow if u want." poo. no me and dan. =( not everyone is aware yet.

dylan just called. so now that's all the boys calling in consecutive days. weird. whatever. i'm frustrated. been thinking about tyson a lot tonight. bad jen. bad. he's 900 miles away! and an awkward boy to boot. =P and dan seemed to be in a bad bad mood when i called him. poo. =( off to skatebot house now! yay!

the summer is rapidly coming to an end. today, me, ky, and michael went to campus to get books. of course they still don't have the fucking books i need. i have been there like 3 times and still no books. it's driving me crazy. but there were shitload of people on campus. it was weird. because all summer it's been relatively quiet around here. now it's all back to the hustle and bustle. i don't really like it. i realized that my classes will not be outlets for excitement. business law and ops management will be HUGE fucking classes that are both boring and full of greek life people. i bet i'll sit alone everyday. advertising and promotion could be interesting, but once again. all greek life people. i'll probably get teamed up with some of them too. lovely... cinema marketing could be interesting except that i don't want to be in cinema anymore. and the people i already know because they are in my specific major. so at least there is that comfort factor of knowing everyone. the one shot of meeting some new cool people in my web design class. they will be of varying ages and majors i presume. but then again, it's web design. there could just be a bunch of computer nerds. who knows. i already have a lot of friends so i don't really need more. i wouldn't have much room for more. but i really hate sitting alone in class too. and not having a study partner or just someone to even call if i missed class or something. oh well. c'est la vie.

got my photos back. lots of dan. sad. i had a dream about dan last night too. same ole same ole. us making out and sorta getting back together. it's just all wishful thinking. anyway, the rest of the photos are like row mike's party. oregon. etc. some are decent. some are just plain awful!!

going to the skatebot/robot house tonight. i prefer the name skatebot. but they are calling it robot. poo. anyway, going over there tonight to see the place and get brian's tub thing for the keg for our party. converse a bit. maybe watch a dvd tonight. or scope out a cute little bar if i can find one.

pat came by to visit tonight! all the boys from the past. if dylan calls me tomorrow like he said he might, then that would be 4 boys from my past all in a row. weird! anyway, tonight was a good night. me and ky were on. pat was here. then row mike came just as we were about to leave for ice cream. so he came too. and me and ky were just on in the car. no stopping us! hehe good times. tomorrow we'll visit the robot house. yay. and friday is row mike's thing. =) good times before the summer ends. woo!

ugh. guess who just called me. the guitar boys!! fuckin eh. i thought they were out of my life. but apparently they aren't. the school year is here and they are back. fucking hell. i told them i don't want to play anymore. i wanted to delete them from my life if possible. not that i hate them, but just that i have moved on. that part of my life is over. i think they might have gotten the hint. i'm not sure. anyway, that was a fuckin trip to hear from them. ugh!

i went to dinner with dan as well. that was fun. i wore my sweatbands. oh yea! hehe the debut of the sweatbands. =) he was laughing at me. i would be too. we went to this great thai food restaurant. i was so stuffed afterward. i was concerned that dinner might be awkward. but it wasn't. it was fun. it pained me slightly because it sucks to be with him and not be "with him." but the more i do it, the more i'll get used to it. right? i hope so.

my parents are almost gone. just a couple more days. today was the one i was dreading. me taking them in my car to get my car alarm fixed. this was basically the only time they would see the inside of my car and potentially see the mileage i have on it. then they might realize i went somewhere far since the mileage is so high. but thankfully they didn't see the mileage. so i think i'm home free. cuz if they knew i went to oregon they'd have a fucking cow. swear to god. anyway, i got this really funky stoplight thing to put outside my room. my dad mounted it for me. u can push the lights to make them light up one at a time. so i can have it on green when it's ok for people to enter. yellow when people can come in but i might be moody or something. and red when i'm naked or making out with someone and people *cannot* come in. but that rarely happens! =P anyway, i'm waiting to see if dan wants to have dinner with me tonight since robin from england said she'd be visiting one of these days and if so, then i can't have dinner with dan on thursday like i had originally planned. so we'll see. he hasn't called back yet.

oh man. i've been really "antsy" lately. =(

my last day opening at starbucks! i am so tired. starting next week i'll be closing the store. see how that goes. already it's getting busy with students. yucko. i just reread some of my journal entries from england. the parts where tyson came to visit dominic. made me feel sorta bad. cuz i wasn't the nicest to tyson. i mean, i was nice but sort of a dick in that i knew i didn't really want anything from him cuz of dominic. and there is more. but yeah. just rereading it all made me think back to it all and makes me sad. i don't miss brighton per se, but the experience there was so great and can never be repeated. even if i were to go back there, the feelings i had would not be the same. i mean as it is, just the way i feel about dominic and tyson now is totally dif than it was back then. i was like in love with dominic yet not. and now i just think he's cool and i like that we are friends. and as for tyson. well i suppose i pretty much feel the same. i mean back then i liked hooking up with him but never wanted anything more. and i think i basically feel the same way. cuz i know we couldn't work right on any other level than that. we could be friends. but even that would be a little off just cuz he's a little off. oh journals. they are so great for this stuff. i love rereading them. it's like i'm right back there in the moment. so great. i think i'll reread more later when i'm not so tired.

shoot me now! my parents are already bugging the fuck out of me. they didn't bug me too much about my hair or my earring. thank god. but ugh. them just being here so long and talking so much. my god. i want to just scream. they leave thursday morning. only 3 more days. and i work some of them too. thank god!! time to go to ian's place to say goodbye to betsy who is leaving to study in spain on tuesday or something.

i don't react well to compliments or silly little pickup lines. i'm on my lunch break right now and right before i left, this older man said to me "i have a question for you. are you old enough to be that beautiful?" my god. what do u say to things like that? i don't do well with this shit. haha anyway, tony lied to me and said if i take his shift, i'd be off at like 10:15am. bollocks! 12:15! so that means i have to take a lunch break. poo on him. it put me in SUCH a bad mood earlier. but now i'm ok cuz it's just me and the girls at starbucks today and we are having fun. so it's all good. but yeah. whatever. this sorta fucks up my plans with the 'rents. either they'll have to come later to the house, or i'll see them all grumpy and tired. whatever. back to work in 10 min.

so the rave looked way too sketchy from the outside. me and lo drove by and were a little scared. the people didn't look so raverish. so i didn't want to go. not to mention, tony from starbucks called me and asked if i could cover his shift today. opening shift! i couldn't say no cuz i'm nice and i like tony. so i agreed. he owes me big time! so i wouldn't have gotten much sleep if i went to the rave. it all worked out in the end i suppose. countdown to seeing the 'rents. t-minus 7 hours. yikes.

so the 'rents have officially arrive in LA. they haven't come by my house because i was supposed to go down to tyler's tonight but i totally forgot about the rave that james asked all of us to go to. so i'm going to that tonight. it's only 5 bucks and even tho i'm not a raver at all, it'll be interesting. plus it's really close to where we live so it's accessible. lo and i will go. talked to dan today which was a silly convo cuz he was playing a video game against eric. i feel like our interaction on the fone the last two days has been odd. not good. not bad. just different. like we laugh at different things or something. i dunno. but i sense something different. but whatever. i'm in a different place than i was last week this time. if i look at my blog i bet i was like "i miss dan. etc. etc." this week i feel like i've cleared my head. oregon was so refreshing and now i am only trying to look forward. of course i look back. but not the same way. i don't feel so helpless and always wanting dan. of course i'd love to get back with him. i mean, it's dan! =) but i felt like before i was constantly thinking about it and constantly becoming upset with everything as a result. now i feel better. and i am happier for having rid that burden from my mind. the burden of always thinking about dan and wishing we could get back together. anyway, i'll see the 'rents tomorrow for the first time since january. they will most likely comment on my barbell earring and my hair even though they've seen it in photos. whatever. i'll deal. i'm 21 years old. time for them to let me grow up.

this is so rad.

it's a slow night. slow day actually. i called dan to have dinner but i disrupted his nap and he was moody. so i didn't bother to call him back. but then he was wondering what happened to the dinner idea. oops. by the time he actually got a hold of me it was too late. i had eaten something. my appetite isn't up to par these days either. ever since the road trip. he commended me for driving so far. he didn't even realize i had left LA! i commend myself for driving so far. fuckin hell. hehe oh, due to seeing tyson and his roommates with all their soy products i decided to try out some soy yogurt. interesting stuff. if i had to switch to soy i could deal with it and eat it, but i prefer regular yogurt. altho i prefer this soy yogurt to fat free regular yogurt cuz that aspartame stuff tastes like shit. oh and i got some soy milk. vanilla soy. no nonfat this time. cuz i tried nonfat vanilla soy a couple weeks ago and it sucked. so i tried regular vanilla soy. oh man. i think i wanna drink that shit when i *drink* milk. cuz i like the taste of it. i wanted to try soy ice cream but they only had vanilla flavor. i want something with more pizazz. i should have tried some of the soy ice cream they had at tyson's. it had chocolate flavor or something. oh well. i'll go to whole foods and find some i'm sure. anyway, i'm too tired to go out. so i'm thinking of watching one of my dvd's that came in the mail. the collection has begun. i figure i can go upstairs. watch the dvd and write in my journal all at once. cuz i have to finish up my trip entry. write about that photo tyson took. man. everytime i think about that moment, it makes me giggle. cuz it was so fucking random what he asked me to do. i wonder how long he thought about it before he got the nerve to ask me. cuz seriously, i would probably never do that. but tyson is weird like that. actually, since he is weird like that. i bet he didn't even think. i bet he just asked. ha. silly boy. oh man. i'm tired. i bet i'll fall asleep watching this movie. oh well. c'est la vie!

u know. everytime i leave LA and come back, i hate it. is this a sign? maybe i really shouldn't live here after college. cuz like i got back from oregon last night and i was just thrilled to be home only because that is where my bed is. but having woke up this morning to an overcast LA, i realized how much i hate it here. i always hate LA. it's just to what degree i hate it. u know? ugh. whatever. maybe i will move after college. there are art institutes everywhere. hell, i saw the one in downtown portland! i wonder if they have my web design program there. there's an art institute in san fran but i don't wanna live with my parents! hmm....

yes, i am back. where did i go? why did i go? alright, here's the deal. sunday was my last post. and it was sunday when i became completely and utterly fed up with my life as we know it. ALL my roommates were gone and the house was totally empty. there were a few other people around in their respective places, but even they couldn't get me out of the rut i had gotten into. so i wanted to leave. i wanted to go somewhere but i didn't know where. first i thought about going somewhere south. but i had just been to irvine and san diego for shows a few days before that. so south didn't sound to appealing. north? well i live north. but i didn't want to go home cuz my parents annoy me. not to mention they are coming to visit me for like a week starting tomorrow. so that was out. but i REALLY wanted to get out of here. clear my head. come back feeling fresh. then i got this brilliant idea. visit dom and tyson in oregon! so i mapquested it to see about how far it was. 900 miles to corvallis. another 80 to portland. could it be done? i didn't put too much thought into it because first i had to see if they would respond to my email. because with it being the summer and all, i didn't know where they were. i knew dom was in portland working and tyson was in corvallis going to summer school. but i needed to get in touch with them. and it HAD to be before midday monday. because i would need to leave then in order to make it back by the time my parents come down. so i emailed dom and tyson. sure enough. sunday night, tyson emails me back with his fone numbers and says i can stay with him. so i called him. he gave me dom's number. called him. and by like 11pm sunday night, i knew i was off to oregon. one more kink to work out. i had to get someone to cover my shift at starbucks on thursday. so...

monday.
i went to work at 6am. got the other jen to cover my thursday shift. i was all set. came home around 11am. napped a bit. it was hard because i think i was slightly nervous about this drive. i have never driven so far alone. i've never driven so far period. i knew i couldn't do it in one straight shot so i had to stop somewhere. now, sunday, i had decided to tell a few people where i was going. first i told my friend sarah up in washington. she was supportive of my spontaneity. then i told marisa at vagrant because i wouldn't be going into the office. then i told kyla. i figured i should tell one person from LA where i went. and when i told kyla, she offered me her house to stay out in cameron park (outside sacramento). this worked out really well. her parents let me stay there even tho they themselves weren't there. i just had to find the hidden key. sac is about 400 miles north of LA and 500 miles south of corvallis. so it was about the halfway mark. anyway, i got all my shit in gear, and i left LA around 3pm. the drive to sac wasn't too bad because it's really flat and it was daylight most of the way. i have driven that stretch of land before with other people going to and from LA and san fran. got to ky's place. found the hidden key. spent the night there.

tuesday.
woke up at like 5:30am to get an early start. showered and shit and prepared myself for the LONG and never-before-done drive to corvallis. cuz i thought i could get to corvallis and see tyson for like a little bit. then go up to portland and spend the night there with dom. then go back down to corvallis on wednesday and spend the night with tyson. this did not work out quite right tho. because the 500 miles from sac to corvallis is not the same as the 400 miles from LA to sac. those 400 miles are pretty damn straight and monotanous the whole way. but from sac to even just the oregon border, it's all curvy and woodsy and such. going through mt. shasta was beautiful but time consuming. u can't really whip around mountainous corners at 80-90 mph. my fone lost reception up there and once i got to oregon i was no longer using my fone because it would incur roaming charges which would appear on my statement which my parents would then see and know for sure that i had taken this trip that they would most likely not approve of. anyway, it was so fucking hot that day as well. sweating like a pig. turns out that portland reached 106 degrees on tues. the hottest day in portland since 1998! for me, pure hell! i stopped in this little town called roseburg around like 2:30pm to get gas. i was amazed that in oregon it's full service gas stations everywhere! how nice. =) the man was super nice. i called dom and tyson to let them know my plan had gone askew. i was no longer gonna see tyson on the way to portland cuz i had no time. and i was going straight through to portland. i had another 3 hours to go. so i pushed on. but of course then i got all punchy in the car due to the heat. stopped a couple extraneous times. once i called michael to leave a message letting people know that i was ok. i didn't say where i was though because i figured that was irrelevant. continued on til i FINALLY got to portland around 5:30. had trouble finding dom's place because he had transposed the address. got there. he was waiting outside. he looked the same. more tats but basically the same cute ole dom. came and gave me a big hug. and i brought my shit into his place. he lives with his gf, crystal, in the basement of crystal's grandma's house. it's a cute little setup. put my shit down. reapplied the deodorant. then me and dom went downtown. he showed me around a bit. portland is a really cute city. i think i could live there. it's not too big. the people seem cool. it's rad. we went to urban outfitters where crystal works. i met her. she's cool. then we waited for her to get off work. me and dom walked around the area and chatted. good times. then went back to get crystal and meet his two friends, leah and tay. they seemed cool. tay is cute! we got dinner at this random mexican place. then got ice cream. sat. talked. then watched a beautiful mind at tay's place. long movie. not deserving of best picture. went to this random supermarket at like midnight to get dom some popsicles. he's a fiend for that shit. hehe saw some random people in the store that were being just plain silly. good stuff. then went back to his place and went to bed. he had to get up early to go to work and so did crystal. i was just tired. but also i had to get to corvallis.

wednesday.
i told dom to wake me when he left so i could say goodbye. this was not a problem considering i had trouble sleeping. not sure why. the couch was comfortable. so that was not it. but when he left for work, we hugged and said goodbye. i took a photo with him in the dark. dunno how that will go. then crystal got up. i stayed awake and chatted with her while she got ready for work. she's cool. i dig her. too bad dom's thinking about ending it with her. she's a photography major. i really dig that. around like 8:30am, dom calls crystal to tell her that he's coming home cuz he did in fact lose his job. long story. not worth telling. so crystal leaves for work. i shower and such. dom comes back. we go and get breakfast. then he takes me downtown to really show me around. we walk around there. it's cool. i really like it. chat a lot. good stuff. around 12:30 i figure i should get off to corvallis to see tyson. so i say goodbye to dom once more and i'm on my way. drive to corvallis. get there around 2. go to tyson's place. now, tyson is not quite like dom. people may think so, but really, he's not. tyson has a funky past that i won't divulge, but lets just say, he's a bit awkward. when i meet him at the door of his place, no hug. way dif from dom who gives me this great big hug. now, i remember in brighton this one incident where me and tyson were chilling. this was after we had hooked up. and we had like nothing to say to each other. so i was worried that my stay with him could be weird. would be have shit to talk about? cuz with dom, there's always convo. it's great. with tyson, not sure. so i get there. chill for a bit. his roommates aren't home. he had just finished his finals and was totally free. we decided to go to the beach. it was an hour drive. but, it went fast and we did in fact have lots to talk about. so it was all good. got to the beach which was cold and windy but that was just what we needed since it was so fucking hot. we walked around for about half an hour. then left. searched for taffy. couldn't find it. went back home. his roommates came home shortly after. by then it was about 5:30-6pm. his roommates are this couple who have like 5 cats and a dog. the cats are alright cuz they don't do much but walk around. but that fucking dog is super small and apparently hates guests. i had to like be still and never touch tyson or his roommates or else the dog, scooter, would attack me thinking i'm trying to hurt someone. so i sorta just sat there quietly and still. we were chillin until we went to tyson's friend, camille's place for dinner at like 7:30. cuz every week camille makes dinner for her friends. so we got there. i met a bunch of people. felt a little awkward. but got the taste of a vegan meal. oh yeah, tyson is now vegan. straightedge and vegan. dom is still straightedge but only vegetarian. anyway, so the meal was good. and camille tried to make soy ice cream but it came out funky. but the end result was tasty in itself. everyone sat and talked. around 10 or so, people started to leave. we went over to tyson's friend's house for a short while. but then we left to go back to his place. chilled there. sat and talked some more. then it was time to sleep around like 11:30 or something. the sleeping situation was a little fiasco in itself which i don't think i care to share the details of. let's just say that the cats are allowed to roam around at night. i started out on the couch and ended up in tyson's little twin bed with him in the morning. and he sleeps with a stuffed dog. =)

thursday.
woke up slightly uncomfortable due to the smallness of the bed. tyson took a shower first. then me. got ready and wasn't sure what time to leave or if i was gonna drive back to LA in one long shot. tyson had to be to class at 11am to fill out teacher evals and get extra credit for it. so at like 10:30, i'm getting ready to leave. tyson offers me some food. so i ask for toast. oh yeah. he works at a bakery making bread. and it's really good bread. so i asked for some of that with jam. when i come back downstairs from getting all ready, tyson asks me probably the weirdest thing anyone has ever asked me to do. now remember. he's awkward. especially with girls. this is the boy who asked me one night in brighton, "can i sleep in your bed tonight?" after i had met him like a few days prior! anyway, there is a long backstory to what i'm about to say. and it's not worth detailing. but basically, two minutes later, there i was stripped down to my just undies holding a basketball while tyson took a polaroid of me. yes, bizarre. there is a backstory to this of course. and considering we've both seen each other naked in the past, i figured this was not a big deal. but still, tyson is awkward. =) so i eat my toast and take him to class and leave. that was awkward as well. no great big hug from him. altho he did have to just jump out of the car because i was at a green light. but he just patted me on the shoulder and said "it was really cool of you to come here. i'll see ya in a month and a half." cuz he and dom and some of their friends are coming to LA the last week of september and they are gonna stay with me i think. tyson really wanted to come with me back to LA now that his finals are over, but he had no way of getting back to corvallis and also he has to work. or else i would come back with tyson. how random would that have been? leave LA randomly for 4 days and come back with a boy! anyway, i then began the long and tedious drive home. i decided i'd go the whole way and my goal was to get home in 15 hours. and i did! the last 100 miles were pure hell. because of the grapevine and the darkness and my tired, tired, tired eyes. i had to take a break like 40 miles outside of LA. i couldn't go any further without a rest on my eyes. but i made it home in one piece.

so there u have it. where i went. why i went. and what i did while i was gone. my car is now really dirty. it needs an oil change and a washing. i'm really glad i went on this trip because i feel a lot better. at first i started to doubt if this trip would make me feel better. but once i actually got to see dom and tyson, i realized it was well worth it. got to see a new state. and i got to see my two oregon boys who i hadn't seen in like a year. i feel refreshed. glad to be back in LA where my friends are, altho i miss the boys since i only got to see them for like a day each. but they'll be here in like a month. this time on my turf. it'll be good times. =)

oh and this trip only cost me like $200 total. $110 for gas and about $90 in cash for food and such. not bad.

900 miles in 15 hours. my bed never looked so good.

went out looking for something. anything. didn't find it. passed by dan's. found a really great parking space really easily. then decided it was pointless to visit him because he would probably be the way he was to me on the phone this morning -- unattentive. so what's the point right? so i gave up my choice spot and drove off...

disenchanted with life.

friendship's overrated sometimes. this is one of those times.

BORED, SAD, LONELY =(

i ordered a bunch of samples of tyvek wristbands. u know, the kind they use at concerts that are made of that odd material that is water resistent and doesn't break. tyvek. anyway, i ordered a bunch of free samples so that way i can have them in multiple colors and perhaps use them to get better seats at concerts and such if need be. anyway, that's just something to occupy my brain considering it's pretty much clouded with sadness and nothingness on this boring, lonely weekend.

i just took the datable test and here is a screenshot of my results. no wonder i'm always single, and no wonder dan broke up with me. =( take the test and tell me how datable you are.

loneliness. sadness. oh boy am i feeling needy right now. =(

eh. life never goes the way u want. bitch bitch bitch. whine whine whine. upset. discontent. i feel a poem coming on.

fuckin eh! alright, so i know i'm not the world's best driver, but i know when not to pull forward in a parking lot. alright, so i was in the lot of the verizon amphitheatre, eagerly awaiting to leave the godforsaken hell of a place. me and all the vagrant people i was leaving with had been waiting for like 45min or so. haven't even moved from our parking space. this dude who is in front of me in his nice new mustang, won't let me into the parking lane at all. so i'm just chillin my spot. waiting. impatiently. but waiting. eventually he gets fed up and wants to move. so he pulls back and then says to me, "can you move back?" but i tell him no because what the hell is that gonna do? and in the first place, this bastard wouldn't even let me in! so he proceeds to pull back a bit. then pull foward at an angle. like he's gonna curve around the car in front of him or something. but he has to again pull back. he fucking hits my car. at a slow speed. so now i'm pissed. did he do damage? i get out of the car. he gets out of his. no damage to my car. oh wait. poor baby. his car has paint scratches. but u know what. i didn't fuckin do it. so u know what. i'm not fucking paying. he proceeds to blame me for it. says that i didn't pull back like he asked me to. well that's right. i didn't. but that doesn't mean u have to hit my fucking car. then he says that i pulled forward and hit his car. bullshit! and i had like a parking lot full of witnesses!! the people in my car saw it wasn't my fault. laura saw it. then this man comes from nowhere and says to the guy. "look. i saw you back there. she didn't move her car. u hit hers. and you think u can blame her with all these witnesses?" and so i got the nice man's card in case this foolish bastard who hit me tries to pull any funny business with insurance or the cops. turns out the nice man works at mean street magazine and they are good friends with vagrant. so it's all good. anyway, other than that, verizon sucks ass. the venue is horrible. there is no pit area. so that means i definitely won't be seeing incubus there in october. because it's just an awful place to see a band that u want to jump around and scream to. rooney on the side stage was good. i dig their stuff. sparta was good live. i don't care for their recorded stuff. but they are awesome live. dashboard wasn't as good as last night. their set was too short. their sound wasn't loud enough. and chris didn't sing any really emo stuff. weezer's set was alright. it was all about the encore. they did "only in dreams" and it was so beautiful. i loved it. i had my own silent moment. *tear* hehe laura (intern at vagrant) told me that two of her friends have that tattooed on their bodies. i told her that two of my friends do too -- tyson and dominic. how random is that? why do people love that song so much? i don't understand! i mean it's great, but not great enough to tattoo on my body!! anyway, i didn't care for weezer's set decoration or anything. it seemed bland. we had lawn seats and the bastards at the show wouldn't let anyone bring blankets in. or studded belts. or chains. or even fucking pins. no buttons?? i had to frantically pull them off my purse. fucking hell! verizon blows man. anyway, all of the vagrant crew got down there early cuz we left the office early. it was like some crazy surreal trip to see dashboard in some strange, huge venue. i didn't like that. cuz it wasn't intimate in the slightest. anyway, it was yet another long concert night. lots of driving as well. driving to the concert itself was an ordeal. the whole car situation. who would ride with who. finally i had jeremy riding with me. jared riding with laura. and brandon and the other laura riding with rob. jeremy told me all this shit about vagrant's past and whatnot. and he was in the very first band signed to vagrant -- boxer. they are no longer around. jeremy is so silly and weird it's great. on the way back i took jared, laura and brandon in my car. jared is so chill. so go with the flow. perhaps a little too go with the flow. anyway, i have to go to a mandatory meeting at starbucks in 9 hours. lovely. =( then the rest of my weekend is blah. i wonder what dan is doing anyway? when i called him briefly from the concert, he seemed turned off by the fact that i called. sad. very sad. goodnight world. everything will be perfect, only in dreams...

another long day ahead. going to see weezer and dashboard tonight in irvine. got my blankets and such. i'm ready to go! i think i'll go and try to see the merch guy again. cuz he's cool and he'll for sure recognize me. it'll be fun seeing all the vagrant people there. sitting together. how cute. haha actually, i bet the whole office will all leave at once basically. that will be interesting. the rest of the weekend is shaping up to be boring i think. tomorrow i have a meeting at starbucks at 11am. whoop dee doo. then that's it. nothing on tap. i'd ask dan to do something but i'm sure he's busy. perhaps me and emily will get new earrings on melrose since i broke one of mine. anyway, off to vagrant i go!

the dashboard show was really awesome. small venue. lots of people who were at the video shoot were at the show. i recognized them. it was funny. the merch guy recognized me from the shoot too. cuz it's ALWAYS this one merch guy that tours with dashboard. i remember he was there when i saw dashboard in san francisco. anyway, he remembered me. i gave him a tip when i bought my shirt just cuz he's cool. and it was because of him that i'm in the video. cuz i was standing near him. the show great. afterward, me and laura talked to the sound guy cuz she met him before. he said if he can, he'll try to hook us up with better tickets for the weezer show. so we shall see. that would rock but i'm not counting on it. the guy was rad tho. and then we went to talk to vagrant people. ryan, aka vern, was there along with rich, marisa, and trish. so we chatted with them for a bit. saw chris from dashboard come out. he's so small and cute. =) the drive there wasn't so bad but the drive back i was dying cuz i was so tired. i *am* so tired. i must sleep now! long day ahead of me tomorrow as well.

just had lunch with dan. that was good. at first he seemed a bit moody. but i think it's cuz he's tired from waking up at like 6am. so that's understandable. i was complaining like a mutherfucker anyway because i was tired and really hot. but we had lunch. good times. chatted about random shit. i told him what was going on with my house. some issues hit a little close to home which made it sort of this funny, awkwardness. like jessica and rick getting back together and how he wasn't aware of that until now. and how she's gungho for rick. it was just too close to me being gungho for dan and he knew it. that's why we had this funny laugh about it. =) anyway, it still sucks about dan but the pain is going away. my liking for him isn't of course, but at least the pain is going away. slowly...

fuckin eh. my earring broke and i think i might have a cavity. the world is shitting on me! =(

i'm tired and i have all this shit to do. gotta go to campus to the credit union. redye my hair. take rick somewhere. not sure where. and i need to nap first. and i wanted to have lunch with dan but now i don't think there is really time. and the maid comes today so i have to do this while she does her stuff. poop. work this morning was fun at first. cuz william keeps me going. he's funny and he does shit to me. keeps me on my toes to get him back. it's great. if not for him, the mornings would blow. but then during the middle of my shift, this group of women come in and order like 12 fucking drinks. oh god. now we have a long ass long due to the backup with this order. then like 2 people later, this woman fucking spills coffee all over the counter and such so now i gotta clean that and take orders. me and william are thinking, shit, when do we get our 10 min break? then sal came in which always makes me tense cuz he's our manager and looks at everything. but more so, he likes to expedite which is alright but i feel like it just makes the line worse. whatever. and then james came in. and i like james. he's funny. and tony came in at the end of my shift and he's fun too but i was leaving when he arrived. oh well. anyway, i gotta get all this shit done. but i need sleep cuz if i'm driving to fucking san diego today for dashboard, i gotta be alert!

poo. no fair. i had another dream about dan last night. i bet he's not dreaming about me. why do i have to suffer? it's nice to dream about him until i wake up to reality. =(

i should be in bed. i work tomorrow at 4:45am. why am i awake? i have ABSOLUTELY no reason to be awake. i'm not talking to dan like i always tried to do before he'd tell me he had to go to bed. i'm not over at his place bugging him. my roommates are all gone. why the fuck am i awake?? out of habit i guess.

oh oh. jeremy at vagrant is trying to get a party going at the office. that would be rad. a warehouse at night. dark. with us silly youngin's about. i'm not all sure who would be at this party. but i asked jeremy today "so what's the deal with this party u were talking about last week?" and he didn't think me or laura would go for it. but we did. so now he's all planning and shit. he came up to me and whispered that he'd talk more to me about it later. it might happen next friday. who knows. that would be funny. party at vagrant. good times. cheap thrills. goodnight...

"werd to big bird."

haha. that's what dominic said. he's such a strange one. apparently he's going to thailand for 2 months next year around this time. man o man i'd love to go with him. not only have i never been to thailand. but everyday with that boy is an adventure i swear. i would have the most exhilerating 2 months of my life i'm sure. but i wouldn't be very clean. or awake. cuz he doesn't bathe or sleep that much when he travels. i'm not sure i could keep up with him! but boy would it be fun. and i just realized something. he's an engineer. not the same kind as dan but still. an engineer nonetheless. what's with me and the engineers? =P

wow. i just realized that is was just about this time last year when lindsey stayed with dan and i decided not to talk to him to get over him. now this year, alicia is staying with dan and i'm not trying to avoid talking to him, but it seems like i just can't talk to him. cuz he's unavailable. it's eerie how it's practically the same time one year later. just different circumstances. =(

blah. whatever. dan was unavailable for chat. =( and whenever i listen to ok computer i sigh a silent sigh, for it still makes me sad.

but...i am going to the dashboard show tomorrow with emily and laura from vagrant. i arranged so that i will pick up laura on the way and we will all go together. i also got a ticket to the weezer show on friday at verizon. it's a lawn seat but hell, it was free. so i'm gonna go to that. probably straight from vagrant with everyone else. so lots of driving in the next 2 days for me. yucko. i hate driving. today there was a bit of irony because i had to pick up the master of the rocket from the crypt cd for tweedy and i had to drive out to universal city. right where i used to work basically. it was odd. long drive. i already forgot how shitty it is to go out there. but it got me away from the phones. cuz i hate calling people from vagrant.

aww. i just woke up and dreamt that i was with dan. well, we were still broken up, but we were out together doing something. watching something it seemed. perhaps a movie. i don't know. and we were like together yet not. we were becoming more than friends again. awww. sad. =(

this is the latest strip of the diesel sweeties comics. i get it delivered to my email every night to enjoy before it's posted the next day. this one reminded me of dan because of the hoodie thing. aww. dan. =( rick just came home so now we are talking. cuz he's good with these talks. too bad he wasn't here on saturday when i really needed him.

earlier on i decided that i would save all my tips from starbucks from the summer and see how much i got. then at the end of the summer i would use them to buy something grand. well, the summer is coming to an end soon (read: *tear*) and i have to figure out what to buy. the other day i decided i'd get a cuff watch. u know, those cool "rocker" type watches that are trendy now and have like a really thick strap. they range in price from like $60-120 or so. so i thought i'd get one of those and then maybe buy the hello kitty vibrator with the leftovers for shits and giggles to display in my room. but now i realize that i think i'd like to start my dvd collection. because i have all these movies that i really like and would want to have on dvd for easy access if i was bored or just wanted to escape my own mind. (read: right now when i'm trying to get over dan) there are about 30 dvds i'd like to get since i have a couple already. this will however, be quite expensive. so i've scoured the net for the past hour or so researching the prices of these dvds. and this would most certainly cost me more than the money i have from my tips. so now the dilemma. get the cuff watch and say fuck the dvd collection? or begin to build the collection and fuck the cuff watch? i'm at this point, inclined to say fuck the watch and build the collection. and i got the idea that i would use the tip money i have right now to get some of the dvds. then whenever i get more tip money, continually purchase the rest of the dvds one by one til i get all the ones i want. fortunately, dvds are not like cds for me where i want to own so fucking many. with movies there are only select ones i want to own forever. and besides, currently i haven't found the *right* cuff watch for me. cuz i was searching the net for that today as well. (read: i'm really, really trying to keep my brain occupied with thoughts other than dan) i didn't find any watches that completely suit me. so i'll search some more. and just might buy it one of these random days with money other than my actual "tip" money. and the hello kitty vibrator. not really necessary. so yeah. i think i'm about to begin building my dvd collection. and u know what that means? people need to come over and watch this stuff with me. cuz it's sad to watch movies alone. and i'll have a bunch to watch! as for that funky thing i wanted to do and needed to get shit for. i've toned it down. cuz it started to balloon too much. i only need a couple things and i can get them online. so that's what i'm gonna do.

why didn't i think of this song sooner? this one is the most appropriate!

breaking up is hard to do
- the carpenters

don't take your love
away from me
don't you leave my heart
in misery
if you go
then i'll be blue
cause breakin' up is hard to do

remember when
you held me tight
and you kissed me
all through the night
think of all
that we been through
breakin' up is hard to do

they say that breakin' up
is hard to do
now i know, i know
that it's true
don't say that this is the end
instead of breakin' up
i wish that we were makin' up again

i beg of you
don't say good-bye
can't we give our love
another try
come on baby
lets start a new
breakin' up is hard to do

i beg of you
don't say good-bye
can't we give our love
another try
come on baby
lets start a new
breakin' up is hard to do
breakin' up is hard to do

hello kitty vibrator? crotchless panyhose? what's going on here with this world? haha ok so i didn't go out to get the shit i need. cuz i will order most of it online since it's easier to find that way. good ole ebay. =) i talked to justin today about dan. just because i knew he would listen and give me a different perspective since i don't know him that well but he does know both me and dan. he said that perhaps i need a rest from dan. that i have built him up too much in my head. perhaps. who knows. i suppose this time where he is entertaining alicia will be my time away. altho i inevitably see myself talking to him during that timeframe but yeah.

i just got back from campus with kyla. took care of some shit. it was sad cuz i thought about dan and visiting him. but i couldn't. we went to visit row mike and that was fun. of course he works in the engineering school. so that reminded me of dan. =( poo. but i thought of this hiliarious thing that i want to do. so now this will take my mind off of dan for a bit as i go out and buy the necessary items. and i gotta start thinking about halloween too. and what i'll do for that. gotta do better than the beer can dress and the condom outfit. any suggestions?

"i'm never as good as when you're there..."

-- russell hammond from almost famous

my heart hurts. =( like u know when u have physical pain right there where your heart is. it's like that. i have to go to campus today to take care of some shit and normally i'd call dan to go visit him at work. but now i feel like i shouldn't do that. =(

i felt compelled to sleep on the couch last night. i fell asleep up there and then when i realized i should really go to bed i said, fuck it. it's actually comfortable here. i'm not moving. so i slept on the couch all night. i just got up. i'll retire to my bed for a few more hours of sleep i suppose. i had some weird dream about taking the buses for grade school. weird. i hate dreaming about my grade school because it was so long ago and it wasn't the best time of my life. after i wrote that long blog entry, i wrote dan a 17k email. 1235 words according to word count. actually it's really only like 15k because my signature has html and that takes up more memory. anyway, the email was therapeutic. just kind of a ramble after we had our talk. i know that we will be friends so i'm not worried. it's just sad. like i said, i'll get over the pain but i doubt i'll get over him. yes, eventually down the line i'll get over him. cuz as emily said, what 40 year old still pines for their college ex? and this is true. but i can see myself not getting over him for at least the rest of senior year. =(

the talk basically went how i expected. he doesn't want to work it out. he doesn't think it will work out. he thinks this is for the best and i will get over him. i don't know if that is ever possible quite frankly. i feel like i'll always compare guys to him. and i don't know if i can move on. he said that i have been moving fast recently and i will get over this and move on easily. but the only reason i moved fast was because it was him. it wasn't like i was just gonna get over dylan like that. and i used the guitar boys to diffuse my pain. but really, it was me seeing dan as an option and once again wanting him. the way i always do. he says he feels so much better now that we have broken up. and once we go back to being friends for real, all of the problems he has with the resentment and such will just disappear as they slowly are as we speak. he sees my pain but of course he's not going to sacrifice his own happiness for my own. and i understand that. i mean, i can't expect him to be like "well jen's hurt. i'll just subject myself to this pain for her." that's insane. and me wanting to work it out doesn't work because my own presence in the situation means that the problem is there. i don't see how that would be resolved and i really wish it would but it won't. so i once again don't have dan. it's just so hard for me to let go because this is something i've wanted for so long. i feel like when i try to even think about someone else, it doesn't even work. all i'll want is dan. this could be an indefinite rut. he insists that i will move on. but did i ever move on in the past? not really. i only did because he made me. but then i came right back. and right now he's made me move on. but i feel like i'll just come right back. diana ross said it best in that lovely song "reflections" which i now have on repeat.

through the mirror of my mind
through these tears that i'm crying
reflects a hurt i can't control
'cause although you're gone
i keep holding on
to the happy times
oh, when you were mine

dan has brought me to tears. and it is a hurt i can't control. and even though he is gone, all i think about is how i used to be so happy with him. and even today when me and kyla were driving around silverlake, i was thinking about the time when dan and i did that. we drove around the hilly part at night. and when kyla and i were driving up vermont i thought about all the times i drove over to dan's place. =( god this is hard. i think i'll be single now for a long time. and not because i'm gunshy about this happening again. only because i won't be over dan. i'll always wish that i could get back with him if i ever could. and that mentality will stop me from moving on. not because i hate men and never want to be with them again. it's just that the one guy i want to be with, doesn't want to be with me anymore. i always told dan over and over that if there was ever a chance i could be with him, i would jump at it. and finally that chance came and now it's over. and if there ever was a chance again, i bet i'd do it all over again. because i feel like he's one of those people that you just never forget. u know how u always have the one crush that u'll never let go of and if u could ever be with them u would. i used to think it was jon mahl in high school. but i have since moved on from that. now i think it's dan. and now actually having been with him, it's even harder. it pains me to think that he is once again happy because we broke up. because now he doesn't have the burden of a relationship. it pains me because not only does that make me feel like i am unwanted, but it also makes me sad thinking that i was causing him pain. why does he have this issue?? he said he tried to work through it the entire time we were together and it just got to the point where it wasn't working out this past week. but he tried to give it some time and then finally on friday he just figured this was for the best. =( i have to try and move on from this so we can be friends again. i will make it work because i don't want to lose his friendship. but surely it will pain me to not be able to be with him. dad always told me that once u sleep with someone then it brings the relationship to a whole new level that makes it that much harder to end. i'm not sure if that's entirely true but maybe in the subconscious it is. cuz i with dylan that happened after we "broke up" and so it had no bearing really on the whole situation. but with dan that was not the case. it was while we were together. and i don't regret it and i don't really think that in my mind it makes it any worse. but maybe subconsciously it does. i'm talking in circles. but i don't care. people don't need to read this. i'm just basically speaking out loud only with typing. i always said that the way to get over dan was for him to date someone. but really, if that happened anytime soon, i would just probably feel worse. because not only would it pain me to see him with someone else, but also i'd think he was just spouting bullshit to me because he is once again doing the whole relationship thing that he just told me wasn't working for us because of the actual relationship itself. not because of me as a person. the other solution i once tried to get over dan was to not talk to him for awhile. but that's not gonna work for me this time because it's only been like 30 minutes since he left my house and already i want to talk to him again. about what, i do not know. but i just want him to be there. but that's because i've become so used to talking to him all the time. and now he probably won't be willing to do that. =( poo. this is probably the single most heartaching thing i've experienced this year. i remember earlier this year i really really upset one weekend and i deemed it the worst weekend ever. but now i think this tops it. friday/saturday were two of the worst days ever. i told my parents via email that dan broke up with me and my dad was sympathetic to me but said that if someone doesn't want to be in a relationship, they won't be. plain and simple. and that's what it really boils down to. sure dan still likes me. but he doesn't want to be in this relationship because of what it was causing. i always hope that there will be one of those cinematic moments where sometime in the future we get back together because we wanna try it again. and i have seen that happen before with my friends. but i am such a pessimist that i don't foresee it. i wish it with all my wishes, but i just don't see it. does this mean i should take dan off the "positive" list? hell, do i even need this fucking positive list? it does me no good. hell, when i look at it, the 5 most recent entries are dan, quasi-threesome, "white rabbits," dylan, and the boy mess of march. those aren't all really positive things anymore so really this list needs to be modified. no actually, i think i'm just gonna get rid of it. there, i just did. goodbye positive list. this doesn't mean i wont ever be positive again. it just means that damned list wasn't doing me any good. so fuck it. i just talked to jessica a bit. i asked her how she got over rick. she said it just took a lot of time. it was a lot of pain that didn't go away easily. i feel this will be the same thing for me. dan seems all happy and such and i am happy for him to not have to go through the pain that i am going through. but still. he always compares this situation to his past situation with one of his exes from long ago. he seems to think that i would be him in the situation and he would be his ex and it would end up with me hating him because he would make me hate him so that we would never speak again. i don't think that would happen but considering i don't have that to speak from, i can't say for sure. all i know is that if he has this issue that he has, how will he ever get over it if he gets into relationships and then ends them? that doesn't make sense to me. nevertheless, there is nothing more i can do. i tried to talk to him about it and see if he would work it out. he wouldn't. so now i get the right to mope. because i tried. i took an active role here and it didn't work. much like everything else surrounding boys in my life. never works. i can't even sustain something for more than like a month. how will this ever work out for me? i have no idea. ok i think i've rambled enough. time to stop.

so fucking random! =P i have this horrible feeling in my stomach right now. i want to have this talk with dan but at the same time, i just know it's not gonna go well and it makes me sad and makes my stomach get all in knots. i tried some retail therapy with kyla today. we walked around silverlake a bit and down vermont in the los feliz area. i bought this random tape measure bracelet and a sweatband watch. cute cheap stuff. i almost bought the hello kitty vibrator for kicks. it would be a funny display in my room. but alas i opted out but remembered where i saw it in case i ever want to get it.

i can tell that today is shaping up to be a bad day. already i went to work and had horrible cramps even though my period is over. consequently it made me work slower and on top of that, i was super tired. so it was just an awful day at work. if it weren't for the fact that william was there to constantly pick on me in a joking way, i don't even think i'd have made it through my shift. and i had to leave later cuz i had to wait for someone to take over the tills. then once i left, i called dan to see if he would have dinner with me and talk. he said he has to get ready for alicia to come so he can't have dinner but he will talk. which i completely understand. however, his tone of voice did not sound so great. so i already can tell that he's not gonna be willing to work this out and basically my talk with him later on is gonna be futile in it's outcome. so today does not look promising to be a good day. sad. =(

ok. i think i'm finally of a rational mindset. i talked more with my roommates. tyler even called me to see if i was ok. that was cool of him. and so now i've given it some rational thought. i feel like i'm over the really emotional stage and now i want to talk to dan and see if there is a way to make it work. because if he still likes me and i like him and there are just issues that need to be dealt with, why can't we try and work through them? the way i see it, it's not like someone cheated or someone doesn't like the other anymore. so why not be willing to work with this? he said he was "running away" which means he's running from the problem. but if he still likes me, then why not try to work out the problem? unless he doesn't like me enough to try and work through it all. i know i am willing to do whatever it takes to work this out. so now i really want to talk to dan before he gets tied up with his guest. because then there will really be no time to talk. he'll be too busy. so if he cares enough about me, then we should try to work this out. if not, then i guess it's doomed. cuz ultimately, if he went into this thinking it wouldn't work and all along thought that in a month or so things would fall apart, then that's exactly what's going to happen. self-fulfilling prophecy. i know there is more to it than that. i know that he is afraid of relationships fundamentally and that probably ties in with everything else. aaaahhhhh....the frustration of the situation. of me not really being able to do anything about it!! =( but i have to at least try. i have to at least attempt to discuss this and try to work it out. cuz if i don't then how can i sit around and really mope if i haven't even given it a shot? it's like voting. if u don't vote and try to make a difference, then u have no right to sit around and complain. because u didn't even try. so here i am. finally thinking rationally. wanting to try and make this work. now if he doesn't want to try and doesn't want to talk, then i have the right to sit around and mope because at least i gave it a shot. ugh. like i said, the frustration of the situation. me being on the lower end of this, trying to gain footing. =( all worthwhile relationships have ups and downs and things that need to be talked about and worked through. and if the people are willing, it will work out. if not, then i guess the relationship wasn't worthwhile enough and just wasn't meant to be. no matter what, i'll always be friends with dan because we have such a good basis for that. so i won't be losing a friend. it may have seemed like it at first because i was so emotional and whatnot, but really, he'll at least be here as my good friend. and i care about that most of all.

feeling a bit better. i went out to a party last night to get away from my thoughts but it didn't help that much. not when everyone is like "jen, what's wrong with you? are you sick?" i didn't feel like shouting out my pain to the world. it was ok if they knew, but i didn't want to be like "no i'm not ok. dan just broke up with me and i'm sad as all hell." then receive a bunch of sympathy pity that wouldn't even make me feel better anyway. but at least i got out of the house and got some fresh air. i smashed one of dylan's altoid tins which made me feel a bit better. granted dylan didn't have anything to do with this, but considering it was so tempting and they were right there, i went for it. stabbed at that sucker. it was the "big tin." i felt a little bad since he only has one big tin. but then kyla was like "do u really care?" and i thought for a second and was like, "no, not really. he broke up with me. fuck it. let's smash this sucker." so i did. here is a photo of me plucking away at it.

that was actually early in the night. the party sorta sucked which didn't matter to me because no matter how good of a party it was, i knew i wouldn't have any fun. sad but true. we all came back to orange:house after the party was broken up by DPS. i thought that soon i could just fall asleep and sleep away my pain. but no. first this girl debbie, who i had met at our party last week, came here and was like "i know you. you are dan's girlfriend right?" that nearly brought me to tears. but because there were so many people in the room, i held them back. i then proceeded to just fall asleep right there on the couch to make the pain go away. woke up around 3am or so and just hopped into bed. when i woke up this morning i felt slightly better. tried to call dan but he wasn't picking up. so then i wrote him this long letter and was gonna go to his apt and knock on his door and if he wouldn't answer the door i was gonna leave the note. i sorta thought he wouldn't answer and so i had the whole thing written out. but then i called before i actually got my ass in gear and he answered the fone. our conversation was sorta sterile i felt. but i mean, were we really gonna dig up the mess that i just tried to bury with my own tears and sleep? not really. at least not right now. he actually just came over right now for a brief moment to pick up something. again, our interaction was awkward and contrived which i wasn't so thrilled about but he had to leave right away because eric was outside waiting. otherwise i'd probably have wanted to talk a bit more. he probably knew that and had eric drive him so he wouldn't be able to stay. i gave him the letter that i was gonna leave early. it's long and convoluted and basically a rambling mess. but whatever. he can read it and think what he wishes. his friend alicia is moving out to LA on tuesday i believe and therefore i probably won't even get to see him or talk to him for awhile because he will be busy entertaining her as she gets settled into her new life. so consequently i'll probably continue in my sadness and wish that everyday would just end from the moment i wake up. it's horrible to feel that way. me and kyla have been sorta down and out lately and we have discussed our pain. there are lots of times when all we want to do is make the day end. go to sleep and start over. and when u think about that, it's almost like we are wishing for death. because sleep is so close to that. and i hate to think that i am just wishing my life would go away, yet it happens. when i'm sad, i just want the day to end and start over better and brighter. and then when i wake up again and it's still shitty, i want that day to end and the vicious cycle repeats. so what is there to do? yesterday all i did was sit and cry and then cry some more. today i sit and think and wish and hope and cry a little. tomorrow i have to go to work which will suck cuz i have to be all nice and shit to the customers. ugh. whatever. maybe i can talk to dan. or maybe not. most likely not. and then i'll have to wait forever and a day. in the meantime i listen to songs that i think relate to me. here is a few on the playlist:

"reflections" -- the supremes
"back for good" -- take that
"at this moment" -- billy vera and the beaters
"silly" -- deniece williams
"out of reach" -- gabrielle

i miss dan. =(

is most of my life spent unhappy? at least recently i feel like i've been sad. if we were to graph the past 4 months or so, i think we'd have one rollercoaster-like image. up down up down. why can't it be up? it seems like so many people in this world are always up? how come i'm not one of them? maybe it's because i rely on others too much for my happiness. i realized this a long time ago when i was travelling with my parents. i had just left my tour group and was spending the last day or so alone with my parents in some foreign land. i was walking around a mall or something with lots of people and i felt so incredibly lonely. why? my parents were there and there were people around me. yet i felt like no one was there. it was because i missed all the people i had just met on the tour and become completely attached to. now that they were gone and i was in limbo, i was totally sad and lonely. my greatest fear in life is being alone. right now i feel completely alone. i look at my list of phone numbers thinking of who i could call to talk to and cheer me up and i just don't feel like talking to a single soul on that list. except dan. i depend on him too much. at least right now. i'm going nuts right now because he's the only person i want to talk to and yet i can't talk to him. so i feel completely alone. and like i said, my greatest fear in life being alone. consequently i feel even more pain than just the pain from us breaking up. it's this horrible, horrible monster that is snowballing into some great ball of pain and hurt. perhaps tomorrow will be better. who knows. last night dan was like "i think when u wake up u will feel better." but i knew i wouldn't. because i could tell that i wasn't going to even sleep well, much less sleep away some of my pain. will i sleep well tonight? alone. sad. will i wake up feeling better? who knows. will i be able to talk to dan? that's up to him to answer his phone. he said that he is scared to come over here for fear that my roommates will hate him. does that mean i won't see him here anymore? i told him that it meant he was gonna disappear from my life. he said that wasn't true. i hope so. because if he was totally out of my life, i wouldn't know what to do. and then and only then would i completely and utterly regret everything that happened.

i took a little nap to get away from life and when i awoke i felt alright. but now i'm sad again. it's just a fluctuating mess. i tried calling dan a bunch of times and have determined that he's probably screening his calls and just doesn't want to talk to me. see, that's what i'm talking about losing my friend. i can't even call him now. it's awful. i miss him so much. it hurts. =( i miss everything about him. and i know i can't go back to that. i'm going crazy in this little room of mine. i leave it and it doesn't get any better. i don't know what to do! it's like, how do u make the pain go away when it stems from your own thoughts and your heart and your brain. supposedly things like this make you stronger. and perhaps they do. but right now i feel as weak as ever. i'm sure i will have worse heartache in my life because my dad says you know when it's love when the pain hurts so much it feels like someone physically ripped out your heart and stabbed it. i don't quite feel that way but i am in a lot of pain. i reread an email that dan sent to me before we started dating. the really long one that explained why we shouldn't date. in there he talks about these very things. the whole resentment in a month thing when he'll hurt me 10 times more than i was hurting back then. i guess he was right. and i don't blame him for anything because i told him i was glutten for punishment. i don't regret a single thing it just hurts now. that's all. i do blame him for the pain because he is the one who ended it all. as it always is. i'm always the one receiving the pain in just about every guy situation. why do i fall prey to this? i think it's because i am weak and give too much of myself into it all. i let myself get wrapped up into the guy much more so than he is into me. and that ultimately means i'm gonna get hurt. i'll never win because i'm not a winner.

talked to kyla. feeling slightly better. still very upset. i want to see dan and talk to him so badly yet i feel like it might hurt too much. cuz last night and this morning i tried so hard to pull it together but when i'd look at him, i'd just continue to cry. i don't feel like recounting the situation because i did that once in my journal and all it did was bring me to tears. i want to stop crying so my eyes won't be all swollen like they were a little while ago. the pain is so great and i wish i could make it go away. right now i don't think anything would work except dan saying he wanted to try and work things out. work out his issues and mine. but i don't see him saying that, so i don't see the pain going away anytime soon. i feel like such a helpless mess for not being able to control my emotions and for letting them get the best of me. it's just that i like dan so much that i would do anything to make this work. and he knows that. perhaps he is doing what is best for us both by ending it. saving us from more pain down the road. but it's hard for me to see it that way when i'm really emotional and hurt. looking back on all the guys i've ever liked, i feel like he's the only one i ever really truly liked through and through. he's the closest to love i've ever come. everyone else was a passing crush soon to be forgotten with the next hookup or what have you. but dan has lasted through them all. man does this hurt. i knew it would. and i wish the pain would end so i could get back to some sort of normalcy. =(

it's over. the depression has already begun.

reflections
- the supremes

through the mirror of my mind
time after time
i see reflections of you and me

reflections of
the way life used to be
reflections of
the love you took from me

oh, i'm all alone now
no love to shield me
trapped in a world
that's a distorted reality

hapiness you took from me
and left me alone
with only memories

through the mirror of my mind
through these tears that i'm crying
reflects a hurt i can't control
'cause although you're gone
i keep holding on
to the happy times
oh, when you were mine

as i peer through the window
of lost time
looking over my yesterdays
and all the love i gave all in vain
(all the love) all the love
that i've wasted
(all the tears) all the tears
that i've tasted
all in vain

through the hollow of my tears
i see a dream that's lost
from the hurt
that you have caused

everywhere i turn
seems like everything i see
reflects the love that used to be

in you i put
all my faith and trust
right before my eyes
my world has turned to dust

after all the nights
i sat alone and wept
just a handful of promisses
are all that's left of loving you

reflections of
the way life used to be
reflections of
the love you took from me

in you i put
all my faith and trust
right before my eyes
my world has turned to dust...

been listening to the cds i bought last night. some good stuff i got there. here are some great lyrics to a great song. enjoy!

why you'd want to live here
- deathcab for cutie

i'm in los angeles today: it smells like an airport runway. jet fuel stenches in the cabin and lights flickering at random.

i'm in los angeles today: garbage cans comprise the medians of freeways always creaping even when the population's sleeping.

and i can't see why you'd want to live here.

i'm in los angeles today: asked a gas station employee if he ever had trouble breathing and he said "it varies from season to season, kid."

it's where our best are on display: motion picture actors' houses maps are never ever current so save your film and $15.

and i can't see why you'd want to live here.
billboards reach past the tallest buildings,
"we are not perfect but we sure try."
as UV rays "degradate" our youth with time.

the vessel keeps pumping us through this entropic place in the belly of the beast that is californ-i-a, i drank from a faucet and i kept my receipts for when the weigh me on my way out (here nothing is free).
the greyhounds keep coming dumping locusts into the street until the gutters overflow and los angeles thinks, "i might explode someday soon."

it's a lovely summer's day and i can almost see a skyline through a thickening shroud of egos. (is this the city of angeles or demons?)
here the names are what remain: stars encapsulate the gold lame and they need constant cleaning for when the tourists begin salivating.

you can't swim in a town this shallow - you will most assuredly drown tomorrow.

i went to amoeba and finally sold all my cds that i procured from universal over the course of the time i was there. all the crappy ones that is. cuz i did get a few decent cds. anyway, i got $60 in store credit for them. not too shabby considering they were all really shitty cds. nothing i wanted in the slightest. i got $10 for some meatloaf double disc. whatever. haha anyway, i spent the credit immediately on cds. i got 2 deathcab for cutie, 2 piebald, and 1 anniversary. 5 quality cds for all those shitty ones. and i do mean shitty. anyway, after that i went to dan's place cuz i wanted to talk to him and i had called him before going to amoeba. i basically told him i was going to amoeba because he knew i wanted to talk and i figured he'd invite me over if he knew i was going in his direction. so i went over there and chilled with him and eric for a long time. as it drew closer to 11pm, they both had to get ready for bed. yes, these boys do in fact sleep at 11pm. or at least try to. dan and i actually didn't talk. and at this point i'm not sure we will. if u think we do a lot of "talking." well we do. it's cuz i'm so fucked up and need to have talks and reassurances all the time. ugh. i need to get my act together. anyway, i left his place around midnight after having sorta kept him from his sleep for about an hour. shame on me. my nose is horribly plugged up from the procedure. it will be this way for about 10-14 days they say. and it hurts a bit too. sorta like sinus pressure. horrible. just horrible.