i'm sick of chocolate and i feel fat. but at least my eyebrows look good. i just plucked and trimmed them! and i'm listening to the album your majesty by the anniversary. i love it. i'm hooked. the siren sings and never die young are great songs! anyone wanna see them with me in november? i'm sure i'll go with or without a partner. and i just discovered the flaming lips thanks to rick. i love their yoshimi album. and i see that they have a lot more. boy o boy, lots of listening to clips to do! good god. i should get back to work. lots of posts today due to my cosmic boredom.

i want a bf! i'm sitting here trying to do my work and michael is in his room with apolka and rick is in his loft with jessica. and lo is in his room with dee. i don't know if lo and dee are doing anything necessarily, but still. whatever! and kyla isn't here so i'm the lone soldier in the house who has no one! =( i was thinking about how i was happy when i was with dan and he'd just randomly come over and stuff. and it was nice talking and stuff. now that we aren't together i never even see him anymore. it makes me sad. =( i tried to look at it from the other perspective for a second and it was a little hard. cuz i don't know what he's thinking. i tried to put myself in his position by referencing something from my life. but all i really have to go on would be dylan. it's not really the same cuz with dylan he broke up with me. but i thought about it from the perspective of how i feel about dylan so many months later. cuz lately whenever i see dylan i'm just like whatever. perhaps it's the backlash of anger coming from the fact that he was the one who ended it all. who knows. but i don't make efforts to see him or talk to him anymore. and this is sorta how it is with dan. altho dan is a lazy ass admittedly and therefore this isn't a perfect analogy by any means. but i thought about it. perhaps dan just doesn't want to see me cuz he feels the way i feel about dylan. but then that thought made me sad. so i hope that's not true. oh woe is me. i am lonely. not really cuz i have lots of friends and a lot of shit going on in my life. but i really want a bf. i have decided this. of course there is always the mess of what happens when we graduate. but hells bells. i figure it won't even last that long since with my track record, even if i met this mysterious new bf tomorrow, i wouldn't even have to worry about what to do over xmas break cuz it'd be over by then. if history repeats itself that is to say. hell, i wouldn't even have to be concerned with whether i'd be going home with him for thanksgiving and such. good god this is sad. will me, emily, and kyla ever fulfill our 3 month pact of dating? of course we will! we must! but do i see it happening for any of us anytime soon? no! cuz everyone we have crushes on won't pan out i'm sure. sad, ever so sad. =(

oh god. i didn't do anything today thusfar except make *something* and read blogs. i have decided i shall add links to blogjam and minor 9th on the side because i want to read them and i want others to read them too. i found this link on minor 9th to a site that has a one minute short film made of legos mocking 2001: a space odyssey. it's really cute and funny. check it out!

actually, i might start reading blogjam as well. his posts are short and somewhat interesting. he posted this site that i just have to wonder, is this shit for real?? i suppose so. some people out there are real sickos.

i will do just about anything to avoid being productive i swear! i woke up rather late today and of course did the daily morning ritual of checking my email, seeing who was online, and seeing if i got any comments on my blog. then if i feel like it, i tend to blog about something. today i was gonna make an entry about my weird dream but now i think i'll just let that go. because in the process, i saw on the blogger site that the guardian, which is a newspaper in the UK, has finally chosen the best british blog of 2002. they also listed 29 runner's up. so i took a quick browse of those other 29 and i found two that i liked a lot. i liked blogjam: always the bridesmaid, never the bride because of it's layout and design, and i liked minor 9th because it's about a british guy named simon who likes to take photos and is studying music in the UK. plus his layout is nice too. i might start reading his blog regularly. we shall see.

me and ky just had a greek moment! =) she has this song called "zorba the greek" by the gypsy kings. and it's greek sounding and so it starts to build up tempo and we both start clapping in our rooms and then we go out into the hall and clap and laugh and dance and snap our fingers til we can't breath cuz we are laughing so hard. it's so hilariously great. i love it! =)

wow. i just had an hour long conversation with brandon's roommate rob. he's interesting. he's an art student. he was stoned so that's probably why he put up with me. but i talked to him about brandon and what the deal was there. and also mikey. he said mike is a hardass that a lot of chicks think is cute. so he understood my thinking mike was cute. he apparently had no tattoos freshman year and a 6 inch long goatee. he then "cleaned himself up" because he realized chicks wouldn't like that. he's from new jersey and gets in fights a lot. and he's an engineer! and he's smart cuz he's here on a scholarship. altho he lost his scholarship so now he's currently not enrolled. anyway, i explained the whole brandon situation and how i was totally wishy washy about brandon and how i didn't understand anything about anything because i am so bad at this shit since i never date and am always single. after explaining how i met brandon and such and everything that's gone on, including tonight, rob concluded that we are both not giving 100% to this and are both probably wishy washy. so now i think i'm just gonna totally leave everything to be the way it is. i don't think i will call brandon anymore because it's pointless. i don't really like him in that way. he's a nice guy but like rob said, he's really chill and passive. basically he's a 35 yr old in a 20 yr old body. i don't want that. i want someone who's cool and outgoing and funny and such. and brandon just isn't that person. he's just nice. i mean as it is, rob was more interesting on the phone than brandon. why was i talking to rob? because i was calling to see if brandon was there to say something about how i felt bad for leaving so soon. cuz i did. anyway, i don't think me and brandon gel right. so it's useless to make anymore efforts. we've seen each other a few times and nothing happened. tonight something could have happened i felt because he told me i could come over later when i was out. and he told me about the party. and i went to the party and he came too. and when he got me up from my chair to show me who lived in the apt, he sorta had his hand on my back. so i think if i had taken this further something could have happened. but i didn't. basically because i was unsure. and i guess when u are unsure about shit, u shouldn't do it. so this is all for the best. and yes i think his friend mikey is cute. but he's too much of a hardass if he gets into fights. and apparently lots of girls like mike too. so i mean, this is really silly. i think i'll just disassociate myself from these boys. ie, not call brandon and such. cuz i mean i could be friends with him, but what's the point? i have so many friends as it is. i mean, i am just now meeting the skatebot boys finally. so that's a whole bunch more boys. and cute boys at that. oh wakerly! see, now he's more my type. cuz he's funny and outgoing and such. he's a nice guy who has some spark to him. brandon is just a nice guy. and wakerly is smart too. those engineers! =) man, i have liked my share of engineers in the past. asian nick used to be an engineering major. dan is one. dominic from oregon is one. wakerly is one. josh is one. even this mikey guy is one! good god. i dig the engineers! the quirky ones that is. i don't dig the boring, foreign engineers. no sir. anyway, i am rambling. much the way i was with that rob guy. but man, that was a decent conversation we had. i liked it. i told him that i bet i talked to him more than brandon. haha =P i need to stop and sleep. i'm tired and the intoxication is wearing thin.

i always want what i can't have!! =(

we beat the beavers. 22-0!!! woo!!! time to get drunk tonight. =)

i don't need to be awake. there really is no reason. i got back from a night of boring parties. there were a bunch that me and emily hopped around from but nothing too exciting. we weren't drunk either. perhaps this had something to do with it. who knows. i saw caleb and jason skating down the street and i remembered that they are the boys who order short americanos at starbucks. and i ran into abe who i met before at parties and he always orders a tall latte. yes it's true, i can remember people's drinks! anyway, tomorrow is the football game. i hope it's good and not too hot. i think it starts late so we should be ok with the heat. i'm listening to "your majesty" by the anniversary. good album. they are going to be playing at the troubadour in november. i think i'll go if vagrant gives me a ticket. it shouldn't be a big show so it should be fine. i love the troubadour. i bet no one will go with me so i'll have to go alone. if it's free i'll fly solo and just watch the anniversary. then leave. we'll see.

we finally secured the vietnamese sandwiches!! banh mi they are called. me, ky, and emily went all the way to rosemead to get them. that's like 15 miles away. but we got them! it was this totally vietnamese place. it reminded me of when i was in vietnam when i was like 11 years old. it was all smokey and there were these sketchy vietnamese old men there looking at me and emily. that reminded me of when this old man in vietnam thought i was cute when i was 11!!! oh god. anyway, we got the sandwiches and they were yummy. yay! =)

woohoo! cheeseman's class was cancelled!! the 311 quiz was easy. i hope i aced it. i expect nothing less than that. as i was walking home i ran into brandon. that was awkward. cuz i don't know what he's thinking. we went out on one date. should i hug him? he sorta came and stood next to me rather than in front of me which made me think we should have hugged. but i didn't hug him. oh well. he's a nice guy but i'm just not really into him. hopefully he thought i looked really unattractive just now because i was totally in sweatshirt, didn't do the hair mode. whatever. if he calls i'll figure something out to show that i'm not interested. i'm not good at that shit tho because frankly, it's usually me who's calling wanting the date. not the other way around!

my big fat greek wedding was funny but not as good as i thought it would be, probably because it was hyped up so much. u know how that goes? me, kyla, michael, wakerly, and brian went. wakerly drove the MV. weee! it was fun. we parked well the hell far away from the theater and on the way back we got harrassed by at least 4 panhandlers. oh well. the theater was shitty and the seats were majorly uncomfortable. when i left, my pelvic rotator hurt and i was hobbling. poor me. hehe we sat boy girl boy girl boy because wakerly wanted that pattern. i didn't get to sit next to kyla and gab with her throughout the film. but that's ok because in the end we were walking back laughing in our own little world. i think the skatebot boys think we were a little crazy. oh well. c'est la vie! next week is wakerly's birthday. me and ky shall come up with a concoction of sorts. oh wakerly! what a funny boy. =)

i wonder. if u make that puking motion over and over for a decent amount of time, can u make yourself puke? me and kyla were thinking about this after we ate dinner and didn't find it too appetizing. i think i might be able to make myself puke that way. but kyla didn't think she could. who knows. man i'm tired. i took a nap earlier but it wasn't that great. i have to study for a quiz now. boring! i have no motivation for anything.

i hate my classes. they are so boring. all i want to do is web design. but of course i can't. not yet. i have a quiz tomorrow which i think i am prepared for. midterms are coming up which i am NOT prepared for. blah. i just want this semester to end academically. i'm so turned off by school right now. and seeing the career day shit and how everyone is all dressed up in business suits and crap makes me think how much i don't want to work for any of the companies that were on campus. i don't want to work for a consulting agency. or a pharmaceuticals company. or an accounting firm. none of them. not even in their webmaster section. if they even have one! ugh. i need to get out of here! away from this boring business monotany that is my life. i will not sell out for the big bucks and the DKNY suits. no! fuck that. on another note, me, ky, wakerly, and maybe some others are gonna see my big fat greek wedding tonight. yay! and i saw a preview for this movie called rules of attraction and i want to see that too. but that doesn't come out til october.

i just made fudge! if you want some, come and get it before it goes. =)

oh man. i am totally cracking up over the photos of the photos from last night of dom and tyson and the teddy bear heist! yes, i forgot to mention how they took aberdeen and hid him in the bathroom. jason captured the event on photo. i think it's funny seeing aberdeen in the bag with the turnovers. then on the toilet seat. however unsanitary it may be. we shant think of that! anyway, i decided after getting out of my web design class, that i would in fact try to merge my existing website with this blog. i was tired of the old site and the way it looked and such. so i thought i'd cut some of the useless crap out and just tack on the good stuff to this blog. so i revamped the about me section to include a better bio. i added a section for my poetry. and a section for photos. the photos, of course, were the most difficult part. i have so many old ones that i don't know which to include. so far it's all the digital photos i've taken. plus brighton, and two sets of photos from parties last semester. i might tack on more later. we shall see. and they are only in directory form because i can't be bothered to create thumbnails and such. in the process of doing all of this, i decided to look at the photos from last night again and that's why my stomach hurts. the pain from laughing so much at the few really funny ones. so below are two of aberdeen being captured, and two of dom and tyson looking really silly/bad.

aww. i'm glad. people liked my friends. =) emily said she really liked them. and kyla and michael as well. yay! that makes me happy. cuz i thought it would be all weird. but no. aww. see. non socal people rock!

aww. yeah i do miss the boys. i didn't think i would but stupid me forgot how i get attached easily. this will pass. give it a few days to a week. it wasn't a hardcore attachment. my room still smells like tyson because he chose to hop into my bed this morning after kyla turned on the coffee bean grinder. i was already awake. i don't know if he would have done that if i was still in bed. perhaps considering i did that to him when i visited him to get away from his cats. who knows. anyway, they left this morning and went off to venice beach and TJ. like i said, i'm sure i'll see them again within a year. either when i go to one of dom's band's shows or when me and ky go up to seattle and i try to stop by for a quickie visit. here are my boys. aww...tyson on the left. dom on the right. and they don't look alike! =P

good times. i'm about to sleep but i had a really good time tonight. just chillin with the boys. jason and emily came over. they chilled with us as everyone just sorta sat around and talked and ate and such. it was quite fun. dom and tyson got the idea to rearrange shit in my room because i am so anal. and once i came in i noticed all the stuff that was wrong. every single thing. and so of course i fixed it. good god i am anal! anyway, some of the boys watched to die for and so i joined in on that. then i found tyson and dom in my room messing around with shit. playing on the net and such. that was fine. i came in and joined them. dom played some random stuff on my guitar. that's probably the most use it's ever gotten. btwn dom, tyson, and brian fiddling with it. i dunno. we didn't really do all that much but i just really enjoyed their company. more so than any of the other days they were here. of course now my bed smells like tyson and my room in general smells like boys. but hey. what can ya do? tomorrow they said they want to see our campus so i'll take them with me to campus and say goodbye. sad. i'll miss them in a way. i know i'll see them again. i said that before when i left brighton and i'll say it again now. perhaps when ky and i go on our road trip to seattle we can stop on by to say hi in corvallis or portland or wherever they are. i'll probably go to one of dom's band's shows in december because ryan was telling me they are playing some dates in norcal and socal. so i'll catch one of them. tomorrow they are all off to TJ. i hope they don't die! or get stuck in prison. haha rick stayed home tonight while they were here. we sorta had an argument about him being ridiculous and i don't know if he stayed because of that or what. but i was happy nonetheless that he did. i feel like all is well and tonight was a nice ending to the boys being here. now i have to sleep and wake up early just to make sure everything goes right and no one is late for anything.

since it was so hot today i thought i would do my hair totally in knots. normally i just do the top of my head but today i decided to do the whole thing to get my hair totally off my skin. but now my head hurts a bit from the tension. i thought i'd take photos of the front and back to preserve the image because i doubt i'll do my hair like this again. it's too much effort and too much pain!

foiled again! i have been searching for damned vietnamese sandwiches all day it seems. i tried this one place and couldn't find it. it was in this sketch area downtown. then later on me and ky tried two more places. the first place wasn't there and the second place was closed! sad. she's never had a vietnamese sandwich. they are good and i want her to try one. i haven't had one in years. but we struck out. so then we got sushi at this one place and it was good. so we were happy.

day part II. i woke up at 8:30 to my alarm ringing because i had to take dominic to get the tickets on campus. but i shut off the alarm and figured one of them would come wake me up. but then i woke up again and it was 8:58 so i assumed none of them were up. so i got up. put some clothes on. and went upstairs with the camera. and this is what i captured:

so then i wasn't sure if i should wake them. i knew they would want me to but i wasn't sure how. i figured i'd just wake dominic since he was the one coming with me. so i first went back downstairs with the camera and then when i came back up, dom woke up! so that was perfect. so we walked to campus and he looked around a bit. it was dead of course because it was so early. but we got the tickets. then went to the UV to get him a disposable camera. we came back and the boys finished getting ready and then left for disneyland. i thought about going with them but tyson is annoying me too much and spending all those hours with them could be a little insane. plus is so fucking hot today. but just like he did yesterday, brian asked if i was coming. so that always makes me happy and feel good. cuz he at least cares to know whether i will be accompanying them. anyway, so then i went back to sleep and i had some weird dreams. i wonder if they mean anything. here is the first one:

so i'm in some big, tall corporate building. it's at least like 30-40 stories high. and i'm with these girls. they want to try and cheat the system. the frequent flier miles for some airline. they get this idea about calling the airline and saying something that will be cheating. but they need to call on the top of the roof of the building. we were on like the 3rd floor of the building and so they climbed up this ladder on the side of the building, ALL the way to the top! i got to the top but didn't have to do that. i'm not sure why. but then they are like "jen we need your cell phone." and so basically they wanted me to go down the ladder to get it and come back up. but i was too scared. but then it didn't matter cuz these enforcement type people (possibly the police) came and busted us for the scheme. the rest is a blur. i don't understand the whole cheating the system thing and why i dreamt about that. i know that the whole tall building thing is because when i went out with brandon we passed by universal city and i said how i worked in that tall building but that i was on like the 3rd floor. so that's where that came from. but the whole needing to use my cell phone on the roof. i don't get it. and why air miles?

next dream: it's all about dom and tyson leaving. it's time for them to go and so we are all carrying out their shit to the car. and it's this huge production. because even though they are parked only one block away, we have to go up these narrow stairs, down some other stairs, up some more, down some more. etc. and i'm having trouble because i have all this shit in my hand. and it's late and dark. finally we get to the car and everyone is crowded around. it's like the 5 of them plus me and jason and other random people. so then jason says he has something for dominic. a little gift. and he pulls it out and it's a silver key with the number 5 on the top part of the key. and it's some "vector key" for a video game or something. but whatever it is, dominic is really happy. and so they hug and give a little peck on the lips! right at that moment, rick comes home via that weir way. and he sees them kiss and he yells out, "oh god. i didn't need to see that!!" and i say "hey rick! you're home!" and then the rest is a blur. so now, i understand that i'm thinking about them leaving because when i was walking with dominic i was talking to him about when they are gonna leave and such. but why such a big production? and what's this #5 key about? my fave # isn't 5. dom's fave # isn't 5. is jason's? i doubt it. kyla said perhaps because there are 5 of them. perhaps. but i dunno. and the kiss? what's that all about? i know jason fancies them and all but still. anyway, those are my dreams. i had them during my little 2 hour nap that felt like a 5 hour nap. it's fucking hot today. i'm gonna do my work and then when they come back i'll chill with them for the rest of the night. get jason over here. good times. they leave tomorrow for TJ and will just stay in a hotel in san diego rather than come back here at like 4am and wake us all up.

they stole my fan! those fuckers. haha it's hot up there and they couldn't handle it. last night it was ok cuz we had the AC on for some reason. but tonight they are really hot. so i gave them my fan. damn the man tyson bugs me sometimes. he's just like annoying with what he says. whatever. i like him. he's just annoying sometimes. i always said he was cute but i could NEVER date someone like him. i just talked to wakerly online. oh wakerly. he's so cute. i enjoy chatting with him. i told him the abridged version of the dom & tyson saga in brighton. why i told him this i do not know? isn't that like breaking some sort of rule? u don't tell your crushes about other people that u like or have liked or whatever. right? eh. whatever. i'm so behind on my physical journal. perhaps i shall play catch up tonight. then sleep. wake up early to get them the disneyland tickets. then come back. take a nap. then be productive and do hw. this is the plan. let's see how much of it really gets done.

the oregonians have finished dinner and are now going to shower. rick was home when they came back and so they finally met him. they all exchanged a few words and rick promptly left. later on during dinner, they were like "yeah. rick seems nice. he seems like a cool guy." so there u have it. even tho rick hates them for no fucking good reason, they still think he seems nice. they don't let this bias that rick has toward them, bias their feelings for him.

i enjoy these boys but tyson always annoys me. he talks too much. or says lame things. or something. he's a nice guy but his whole insecurity issues deep down, resurface through his words and such. oh well. i don't think he even realizes it. oh well. i don't think i will go to disneyland with them tomorrow. i don't have it in me to spend that long in the heat with them. i think they are staying tomorrow night. then tuesday going to TJ and possibly staying here tuesday night before driving up to oakland on wednesday. i hope they shower tonight cuz they are all stinky! =)

i called up brandon earlier today and apologized for last night and not seeing him and such. then i asked what he was doing and asked if he wanted to go mini golfing. so he picked me up and we went mini golfing in sherman oaks. it was sooooo fucking hot i couldn't handle it. we played the round of golf really fast and left because we couldn't bear the heat any longer. it was a really bad call on my part to go there. oh well. we got icees. he drove me home and i showed him my room. then he left. he said he had a good time and he'd call me. we hugged. that was it. my thoughts are just that he's a nice person. i wouldn't pursue him further but if he does, i'll just roll with it. i'd much rather date a skatebot boy or meet this patrick guy at the blue house. they all just seem more interesting. and with the skatebot boys they are more familiar and we are already friends. and they are cuter. with brandon i don't know his friends and vice versa. so it's like having to deal with worlds colliding and such. much more difficult. plus he doesn't talk much. oh well. whatever.

damn this is a fucking great song:

days go by
-- dirty vegas

you
you

you are still a whisper on my lips
a feeling at my fingertips
that's pulling at my skin

you leave me when i'm at my worst
feeling as if i've been cursed
bitter cold within

days go by and still i think of you
days when i couldn't live my life without you
days go by and still i think of you
days when i couldn't live my life without you
without you
without you

you are still a whisper on my lips
a feeling at my fingertips
that's pulling at my skin

you leave me when i'm at my worst
feeling as if i've been cursed
bitter cold within

days go by and still i think of you
days when i couldn't live my life without you
without you
without you

days go by and still i think of you
days when i couldn't live my life without you
days go by and still i think of you
days when i couldn't live my life without you
without you
without you
without you
without you
without you

well. last night worked out marginally well. i can't really say for certain because i got so fuckin drunk that i puked at the blue house and kyla and brian had to take me home. thank god for friends. =) but dom and tyson and crew came around 9:30 right before our guests arrived. their friends are nice. i like them. when they came i was already a bit drunk and dom gave me this really big hug and said "looks like someone is happy it's saturday." they all meshed decently well with my friends. no weirdness. that was cool. i took them to ralphs to get alcohol. they got to see robert! i was like, "robert i'm a little drunk already." and he smiled and said "yeah, you're a little red." =) then we came back here and by then more people had arrived. everyone was getting sufficiently sober. i remember vaguely, hugging dan and kyla and then me and kyla had a moment and she was getting teary eyed. i do not recall what for, but i do recall. it was a bit odd having dan and dylan there along with dom and tyson. it's like all these boys i've liked together. i wonder if dan and dylan met. i forgot to introduce them. i know dan met tyson. eh. whatever. hehe around 10:30 or so we left for the blue house. i never did see patrick there. i was too drunk. i wasn't even there that long before i was in the bathroom puking. kyla and brian helped me. and i just now remember that on my way out i saw parker i think and i asked him if pat had a gf. he will know i like pat! ha. i left dom and tyson there because they seemed to be doing alright and kyla told them she would come back for them. i passed out here and when i awoke i had messages on both of my fones. oh yeah. when dom first arrived and i was in my room with him, the fone rang. it was brandon. fuckin eh! he called me finally. i told him he was an asshole. he said he'd meet me at the blue house. but of course i never saw him. so he was one of the people who left me messages. he left a few. i feel bad. i'll call him later and ask if he wants to do something today. as long as we return before like 8pm when dom and tyson and friends return from magic mountain. i'm still debating on whether or not to go to disneyland. it's a good thing i didn't go to magic mountain because i would probably puke from last night's intoxication. how much did i drink? well, basically a whole bottle of wine that was 13.5% alcohol. a shot of 40% vodka. and a shot of 49.5% apple schnapps. i think the schnapps did me in. anyway, i'm happy to see my boys again. =)

oh dear god those boys drive slow! they are 90 miles away. fucking hell. but they will arrive at the right time. right in the middle of the pre-party fun.

ETA: 9-10pm. dominic just called me from the road. they are taking the longer, more scenic route. ie, the 101 vs. the 5. this means they will be arriving around the time when the rest of the people arrive. good stuff. it will work well i hope. i can already see this is gonna be a bit intense for me. all these cute boys. the skatebot boys. dom & tyson. patrick at the blue house. dear me. my brain might explode!

*take a deep breath* the boys from oregon are coming tonight. dear me. this will be quite interesting. we have invited a bunch of our friends over to pre-party tonight and then go out as one huge group. and with my boys here as well, this will be quite a crazy crowd. i hope everything meshes well. jason will be here to help this along. thankfully. =) not that i don't like dom and tyson. it's just that them plus their friends is a bit much for me to handle and entertain whilst dealing with all my other friends here. and i know that they won't fit in quite well so it will be a bit odd. but i hope it works. and this patrick kid. apparently he works with emily too and she thinks he's cute. so jessica said that me and em should battle it out for pat. i'm not much for fighting tho. haha whatever. i'll just see what happens.

fun night. me, ky, and lo went out to this random party at the palisades complex. we talked to some familiar faces including parker from the blue house. by the end of the night we were sitting around chatting with him and some of his roommates. one in particular i find attractive. patrick is his name. some people call him pate. he was quite drunk but cute nonetheless. the blue house is having another party this coming saturday. my boys are rolling in that night but they are gonna have to come with me. cuz i wanna talk to this pat boy some more. cuz we all know i need a distraction in my life.

men blow. i have no faith whatsoever. i am not looking forward to dom and tyson coming. altho tyson is bringing me this really good bread. but i really don't give a shit if they ever get here and when they get here. brandon never called so that means i officially think he's total asshole. and i'm tempted to tell him that in the next couple of days. i went to get the drill for jessica from dan's place and in the process i got the shit that i never took from there -- my toothbrush and other various toiletries. this of course saddened me and now that i no longer have a preoccupation, i am once again sad about dan. life sucks. oh yeah, did i fail to mention i'll be menstruating soon. yeah. that might have something to do with all of this.

u know what i finally really realized. i talk a lot. i talk to my teddy bear when i'm lonely. i talk to myself when i'm walking. i talk in my head. and i talk on this blog. they are all extensions of each other. i think it's cuz i am an only child and so i get lonely and need to talk.

dude. my butt cheek fell asleep!

random thought: would you have sex with the lights on?

ugh. i feel gross. i can't wait for this day to end. i just feel disgusting. i can't get a hold of tyson or dan. sheesh! and brandon hasn't called. i have no faith in boys. haha

today has been supremely shitty. first i couldn't wake up. i have forgotten how to live on 5 hours of sleep and wake up early. so i didn't shower and i went to the ENT. i got there right on time only to sit and wait for another hour!! the doctor was fucking doing another procedure. i almost just got up and left. i talked to him for like 2 sec and paid $15 for my copayment. highway robbery. then i slept in my car. went to starbucks to get coffee. went to vagrant only to find that everyone there was in a shitty mood. and their hired this new girl to be the HR girl. so now we have to sign in and out everytime we leave the office. and i mean EVERYTIME. including the 5 times i leave to run errands. the good thing is that i now will get reimbursed for my mileage. but whatever. i can't fucking believe how hellish today has been. it's just been one bad mood to the next. prolly cuz i'm getting my period soon. and now i have class at 6pm. lovely. i hate my classes.

i feel like i'm wasting my life away with these classes. it's just painful. fucking painful. anyway, talked to dom online. apparently 10 people in total are coming to LA. 5 per car. his car is ALL guys. good god. they are the ones staying here. they arrive saturday. leave either monday or tuesday. who knows. it's a quickie thing. i have to decide whether or not to go with them to disneyland. cuz i know dom and tyson. no worries. but then with all their friends. i have met 4 of the friends before -- tay, emily, leah and katie. but the rest are all new to me. and i might be slightly intimidated. so we'll see. if jason came with me, i'd go for sure. but i bet he won't go. oh whatever. who knows and who cares. i'm so apathetic these days.

poop. i still haven't totally reinstalled everything on my comp. i'll do it slowly but surely. i'm lazy. and what if my comp fucks up again? then it will be all in vain! chris didn't come into starbucks tonight. woo. emily thinks he'll call towards the end of the week. if he does, i'll be busy for sure cuz dom and tyson are coming. it'll sound like a cop out tho. oh well. whatever. it's the truth! and brandon didn't call me. or at least if he did, he didn't leave a message. i don't think he'll call me til the end of the week as well. in which case i'm gonna have to try to squeeze him in somewhere. actually, duh. i could go out thursday or friday night. ok. well whatever. first he has to call. if he doesn't. no bigs. i won't be calling him.

dear fucking god. it's too damn late. i just reformatted my hard drive. still have much more to restore onto my comp but the basics are back. fuckin eh. i fucking hate my compter!!! goodnight world. or should i say, good morning?

so it's been 3 days since i met chris and brandon. and so by the 3 day rule of the game, either they should have called me or i should have called them. now, me and brandon have already broken that rule and spoken a few times. so no worries. but chris. oh brother. ok, so i was thinking earlier that chris hadn't called and was therefore breaking the 3 day rule and maybe he wasn't gonna call. but then i got to work and within 5 minutes of being there, he comes in. fucking hell. the line was sooo long and he came in with his friend. and i was at the till. so i took his order which i remembered was a grande mocha. and he was like "i didn't know you worked tonight. i just came in to see if you were here." or something like that. so i did his order fast and moved onto the next customer. kyla made his drink really fast and skipped a shitload of customers just to get him out of the store. but he stayed. he sat down with his friend for a bit. and then when he was about to leave he came to the side and sorta yelled out my name and said "it was nice seeing you jen." and i just sorta waved and left. fucking hell. don't call me. just stalk me til i arrive and work and then come in and see me. dear fucking god. maybe he'll be there tomorrow! ugh. whatever. if he calls or something i'll just tell him i'm too busy to do anything. or maybe i'll tell him that i'm still hung up on my ex. which is true anyway. or maybe i'll tell him i'm dating someone which could end up being true if brandon and i start dating. who knows. i'll cross that bridge when i come to it.

listening to "the scientist" by coldplay. looking at aberdeen. thinking about his swing. looking at the wire heart made from the scraps of the swing. feeling sad. =(

i feel like the pressure is on. now that there is this brandon kid showing potential interest, both emily and kyla are saying how i need to get the clock started on the one month deal. can i do it? can i sustain a one month relationship? let's not jump the gun here kids. first i have to go out on a first date with the guy. i keep forgetting what he looks like but they both tell me he's like tall, thin, has glasses, blondish-brown hair, normal clothes, etc. so basically he looks normal. non-descript. cuz i feel like that could be anyone. whatever. this whole date thing might not even work out. cuz it'll have to be after class sometime. and if we can't seem to coordinate it, then we'll have to wait a while cuz this weekend and the beginning of next week are tied up with dom and tyson. so yeah. whatever. where would we go? what would we do? i'm so bad at dating. it's horrible. i hope he has a car. i don't wanna drive. i hope he offers up suggestions of where to go cuz i have no ideas right now. unless he wants to go mini-golfing. cuz i like that and i have been wanting to go for ages. dan never went with me and so the wait continues.

ok. so i was wrong. pardon me. my pessimistic paranoia sometimes gets the best of me. brandon called back. and when he said fire in his apt, he really meant a fire. his roommate left some towels in the oven and they caught on fire. so he and his roommates got the fire out but then the smoke alarms went off and so they had to call the fire dept and everyone had to get out of the complex and such. so that's why it took so long for him to call back. so ok. all is understood. but now, capatibility issues. alright. first of all, he's a junior. and guess what his major is...philosophy! dear god. he's just like dylan. they are both juniors majoring in philosophy. how random is that. i doubt they know each other. anyway, we had those icky awkward pauses in our convo. they were never more than like 10-15 sec but still. i hate them nonetheless. he seems like a nice person but i just don't know if we are on the same level. perhaps it was just the fone. perhaps its cuz we don't know a thing about each other. who knows. anyway, tonight he's hanging out with his friend sarah but he wanted to do something with me on tuesday. so he said he'd call me later on in the week. so whatever. i'll just wait for him to call. i'm not about to call him again. emily believes that he will call me again. i only half believe it. if the way we talked on the phone transcends into real life conversation, i will be none too pleased. and also, emily brought up a good point. he probably has a lot of girl friends. sort of the way i have a lot of guy friends. now, if it turns out that he's one of those guys that just wants to be friends with me. i'm sorry to sound like a dick, but i just don't have to the time for that. as it is, i have a lot of friends and i'm trying to acquire a few more at the skatebot house. i have no time for this junior majoring in philosophy who i barely know. so, we'll just play it by ear. wait til he calls. see what he wants to do. go from there.

right now i'm totally turned off by this brandon character. i called him like an hour ago and some girl answered the phone. i asked for brandon and she gave him the phone. then i told him it was me and he was like "oh...ok...can i call you back? our apt is on fire." and so i said yes. i heard the smoke dectector going on so i believe him. but he hasn't called back yet. so i'm like, wtf is that all about? if u are gonna call back. fucking call back. don't say u will and then not call. and if u meant u'd call back like a lot later, don't make it sound like u meant u'd call back relatively soon. i don't wanna sit around waiting for your ass to call back. granted i basically just fell asleep and took a little nap, but still. don't fucking waste my time. and don't fucking make me think u care that i'm calling u last night and then not give a shit today and not call back. i have no tolerance for this sort of shit. this is probably why i hate the "game" and also why i'm forever single. already i want to like call him back and bitch him out and i don't even know the guy and don't even know if he has a valid reason. whatever. blah.

SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!!! my computer is totally fucked up. =(

whoa. yeah. drunken night last night. really good times. there were shitloads of parties and we went to 4 of them. first the dental frat which was sorta lame. then our neighbors which was nice and small. then the greek house on 30th. then chez ronnee. the chez ronnee one was best cuz we knew people there. by then, the skatebot boys had caught up with us. so that was cool. brian was really drunk. and yes i do think he likes kyla. will it work out? i doubt it cuz he's not proactive enough and she's too whatever about the situation. sad. but that dominic kid man. he's hilarious. and kyla thought he looked like he was from idaho so she started calling him spuds. haha =) he's cool. i dig him. if this thing with brandon doesn't work out, i might go for dominic. but i thought it was cool that a large amount of the skatebot house was out with us. yay! they are becoming our friends. how exciting.

anyway, so at chez ronnee i met these two guys name caleb and jason. they were at the other parties we were at last night and apparently jason has wanted to meet me for a while now. interesting. i've never seen him before! and caleb recognized me from starbucks so we talked a lot about that. he orders a short americano. i don't recognize that order or him but he was a nice guy. both of them were. it was cool talking to them. maybe i'll see caleb at starbucks and talk to him more. he was cool. he's small and skinny. i said he looked pseudo-european because he's small and skinny and orders americanos. after talking to them for awhile, they had to go back to our neighbors house. sad. so i didn't get to talk anymore. robert from ralphs was there. i didn't really get to talk to him that much cuz i was too drunk and out of it and talking to other people. also i was thinking about calling that brandon guy since he also lives in chez ronnee. oh and i met this guy named calvin who i see EVERYWHERE it seems and he's sorta cute. he spilled some drink on me. oh well. i started talking with the skatebot boys again and i was at one point laying on the floor of someone's room. it was good times. nevine was there. the little indian boy that knows nick. he's so cute. so small and skinny and just a cute little boy. aww. hehe anyway, then i tried calling brandon a couple times. the first two times i got his friend BJ who told me that brandon wasn't home. so he took a message for me. he said he was in apt #29. but then later i tried to go there but couldn't find it. on the way i hit my cheek on the door. now i have a slight bruise but u can't tell. it's just sore when i touch it. anyway, so then i called back and brandon was there! but then we got disconnected so we didn't get to talk. finally when we all left the party, i was stumbling around outside with the group and i called back and i talked to mike. i think that's gutter boy! haha i told him it was jen and so then brandon got on the fone and asked me where i was. i told him i was near his place but i couldn't find it and so i was going home with my friends. he asked if i'd come back but then said that i should just go home with my friends cuz it would be better that way. he said that when they told him i called, his heart skipped a beat. awww. =) and then we said something about calling each other. i don't know who would call who but whatever. i'll prolly just call cuz i really hate this "game" bullshit. so then we hung up and i went home. then i got this message from him which was probably after i had called and we got disconnected. and he just said something about how he couldn't get my cell fone # fast enough and to call back cuz he wanted to see me. oh well. whatever. good drunken times. i'm glad that both of us were drunk or else i'd have felt so stupid if he was sober listening to me make no sense. i guess i'll call him today or tomorrow. we can joke about the stupid fone tag and conversation we had. i sorta remember what he looks like and sorta don't but emily says he's ok looking and kyla says "he looks like you're type." so we'll see. he's from modesto which means norcal! woo! and he's really tall. prolly like as tall as dan. cuz when he hugged me the other night, i remember thinking, this is what it's like when i hug dan. my head is nowhere near his head. anyway, at least my life isn't so boring now. woo!

blurry. had lunch with ellen today. went out drinking and got really drunk. went to lots of parties. dental frat was cool. neighors was cool amd had alcohol. brian was at some fart with his roommates but we caught up with him at chez ronne. oh man. i love those boys. dominic is hiliarous. i would date him. spuds! haha i think brian likes kyla. that's cool. yay! it wont work cuz ky is too withdrawn about it. mike is coool. he cuz his hair recently. i calle dbrandon cuz he lives there and i didnt get ahold of him at first. i got BJ. and then i finally got brandon but i was gone from chez ronnee. we chatted breifly. he said that whne he heard i called his heart skipped a beat. how cute. ill call again or wait for him to call. when i got home there was a message from him. it was cute. he said he was the tall angular funny looking guy i met on two occasions. how funny. anyway im really tired and drunk as all hell. times ot sleep.

I'VE BEEN REPLACED!!! =(

good god. andy's in my 311 discussion!! he probably won't got that much tho. whatever. damn there are a lot of parties tonight. i think we know of like 5 parties or something. woohoo! good shit. good times.

my bored life just got a tad bit more exciting. here i was sitting around all day not doing anything really fun or interesting and now i have 2 numbers for the board. let me explain. alright so all day i was backing up files and such in preparation to reformat my hard drive. a huge bummer. once everyone started coming home from class i was getting all antsy cuz i was really bored. i called up brian because i told him that i'd call him and tell him about parties going on for friday. so i called but he wasn't home. i left a message. then kyla wanted to go somewhere but nothing sounded interesting. i considered diddy reice but it was too far to drive. so she went to ralphs to get a little snack. meanwhile brian calls me back. i told him i was so bored and he's like "wanna go to diddy reice with us?" cuz apparently josh had just asked him. so when kyla returned from ralphs, she and i hoped into mike wakerley's mini-van along with brian, josh and dominic, and we rolled on over to westwood. we went to diddy reice and ate our delicious treats outside. then we stood around chatting. all of a sudden i see someone i hadn't seen since brighton -- greg! greg is this really nice guy who's gay and i met in england. he's from LA but went to uc berkeley. his brother is in linkin park. so greg was in westwood with his brother and some other guy. greg graduated so he's living in LA once more. so we chatted a bit. that was so weird tho! running into greg who i hadn't seen in so long. anyway, then we all rolled on back home in the mini-van and right when we get home, lawrence is about to phone walter who knows of parties going on. so now all of a sudden this dull thursday turns into a party night! so i called up emily and her, me, and kyla go to the first party we know of -- the blue apts on menlo.

so the 3 of us arrive at this party and we see lawrence immediately. i look around and realize that aside from lo, walter, steve, and brandon, i don't really know anyone there. but then me and emily move into the crowd and i see doug from my 302 class. so i talk to him a bit and then move back to talking emily. then we find kyla and chat. while standing there, guess who comes on in. the guitar boys! oh my god. andy is really drunk! so i say hi to them. jeremy gives me one those silly boy handshakes. andy gives me a side hug and proceeds to say some stupid shit. i humor him with some nods and smiles and he moves on his way. so me, emily and kyla continue to stand there. then all of a sudden 3 guys appear. and one seems to be peering into our little semi-circle. i can tell he wants to talk to one or all of us. so he says something silly which i could only half hear, and then he sorta hones in and now i realize that i'm the target. now, being that i'm sober and he's probably not, i have the upper hand in this situation because there is no way i'm letting my guard down in the slightest. but he seems nice enough so we chat. his name is chris and he's from petaluma. norcal. woo! he's a comm major. junior. wants to be a producer. we talk a lot about movies, music, etc. i felt like he was too intense tho. like when there were pauses in the convo, he'd be staring at me. meanwhile i would be trying to look away. and sooner or later i was like up against the wall. but i had it under control. meanwhile the guitar boys are off in the distance being stupid as i can see from the corner of my eye. andy has some chick hanging off him which may or may not be his gf. that word is taken very lightly with those boys. somewhere in the middle of talking with this chris kid, andy comes over and totally like ruins the situation. i thought it was quite comical. i didn't give a shit cuz i wasn't trying to get anywhere with this chris kid, but i think all along andy and jeremy were snickering over in there corner just waiting for when andy should pop his little head in. cuz as it was, he'd pass by behind chris a lot and say hi to me. and i'd wave and say hi. but this time he actually came up to me, stood right next to me and was like "hey jen, what's up?" i didn't know what to do so i introduced andy and chris! but then andy left and chris was like "is he your friend?" how do i answer that really? so i just said "yeah sorta." the real explanation is both too long and totally unnecessary. anyway, chris's friends were waiting i could tell, and finally they wanted to leave. so i said to chris, "are you gonna roll with them?" and he said yeah and then immediately asked for my number. so i gave it to him and got his. phone number, #1 for the board! i won't be calling chris. if he wants to call me, he can. but i'm certainly not making the effort.

ok, so chris leaves and i retreat back to my friends. get props for getting a number and all is well. then i see off in the near distance that mikey, aka "gutter boy" is at the party with his friend brandon. now, as u might recall, i used to find gutter boy attractive and still do to a certain degree. so of course i proceed to sorta look over there. and i see that guy brandon who i have met a couple times before. he was the guy who came up to me and tapped me on the shoulder at the rooftop party and introduced himself and told me about his party the next day. i went to that party the next day but barely said two words to brandon. i thought he had forgotten me. anyway, so after a couple minutes of standing with my friends and looking over at gutter boy and seeing brandon looking over, he comes over to me. he stands right next to me and says "hey, you're jen right? do you remember me?" and i was like "hey brandon." and we sorta shook hands and then because i remembered him he proceeds to "reward" me with a hug. i hadn't realized just how tall he was til we hugged and my head was somewhere in the middle of his chest. so then i scold him for not coming to our party and he explains why and wished he had gone. but as this is all happening, the police are there. and they are breaking up the party. also, helicopters are hovering over the area with bright lights. so it's a bit chaotic. the manager of the apt complex is trying to get us all out and so brandon's like "ok. i'm gonna give you my number." so he pulls out his wallet and looks for a scrap piece of paper. he says he has our business card for the house but that's not good enough or something like that. so he pulls out this coupon that's bend in half. so i tell him, "here, rip the paper in half. you give me your number, and i'll give you mine." so we exchange numbers as we are being basically pushed out of the complex. the woman even said to him "you can get her number outside." and so we go outside and he's like "what are you doing tonight jen?" and i'm thinking "shit man. it's late. i'm sleeping. i have class tomorrow." so i say something to that effect and he wishes me a good night and good dreams and we sorta do this weird shaking hands, yet holding on thing. and then he leaves. so 2 numbers in one night when i didn't even think i'd party. and i didn't have to do anything for them either. reminds me of last year when i hooked up with chris on a night when i didn't even intend to party. same deal. only no hooking up. that would never have happened cuz i was not in that mindset in the slightest. now, do i call brandon? chris i know for sure i won't call cuz i'm leaving that up to him. he came up to me, he'll call if he wants. i don't even know if i'm interested. he was mildly attractive but seemed too intense and not fun enough for me. who knows. as for brandon though, he's also mildly attractive but seems more fun and easy going. so i would be inclined to call but i dunno. we'll see. i'll just sorta let it go. the thing is, i could call tomorrow and be like "there's lots of parties. wanna come with?" but i dunno. he's got his boys that he goes out with and such. eh. we'll see. but man, my boring day turned into something not so boring and definitely unexpected.

i'm bored with my life right now. =(

my computer is fucked up again!!! =( i have to reformat, AGAIN!!! =( sometime around when i made that cd for dan is when it gave out. basically everything works except that i can't look inside my computer. windows explorer, control panel, my computer and internet explorer don't work. ugh!!! i don't want to reformat again!!! =( what happened?? now i have to back up shit all over again. call dell. get them to help me reformat my hard drive. then reinstall EVERYTHING once more. i'm sad. i really will be in my own little cave. =(

i'm about to do something i've never done before. copy verbatim from my latest journal entry in my read tangible journal. ok, here goes!

i miss dan. i'm not over him. at first i thought that i was but really i'm not. =( i made him a CD trying to tell the story of how i've felt about him. i don't know if i did a good job or not. i went to his apt, and in one of those rare moments, i got a parking space right away and i followed a man into the building right away. it was all so simple. i forgot my tape so i couldn't tape the CD to the door. nor the photos i've been meaning to give to dan. so i just get them outside the door, rang the doorbell, and left. did he get them? i don't know. why i left? i don't know. am i ashamed of my feelings? i think to a certain extent i am. i'm sick of myself always being the lame, attached one. i hate that i just can't move on the way he has. it makes me sad. i really need to get over him but yet i can't. so what do i do? i make a compilation CD of songs to show how i've felt throughout all of this and i give it a lame title called "sounds of silence." i thought about accompanying it with a poem but i didn't for 2 reasons. 1) i thought that might be too much. 2) i lost the will to write a poem last night. my computer is fucked and i have to reinstall windows. so i might lose some of my files apparently. so i had to once again save my emails. i randomly clicked on one i sent to sarah up in washington. in the email i talked about how dan once again was frustrating me because he was acting sorta more than friends-like and it was making me like him again. and this email was from LAST summer! why can't i ever get over him? here's the tracklisting of the cd i made:

1. gran torino - moments with you
2. sixpence none the richer - kiss me
3. the kinks - you really got me
4. big mountain - baby i love your way
5. incubus - summer romance (anti-gravity love song)
6. gabrielle ? dreams
7. brian mcknight - back at one
8. bob marley - is this love?
9. david gray - please forgive me
10. bananarama - cruel summer
11. oasis - don't go away
12. dido - here with me
13. incubus - i miss you
14. the get up kids - wish you were here
15. rem - everybody hurts
16. diana ross & the supremes ? reflections
17. gabrielle - out of reach
18. incubus - wish you were here
19. coldplay - the scientist

i hope dan got the cd and that he listens to it and can hear the flow and the store i tried to tell with it. i didn't print out the lyrics which makes it a tad bit harder. oh well. i'm lame anyway. i'll just go crawl into my stupid hole now. maybe i'll come out next week when dom and tyson arrive.

lots of thoughts running through my head today. how i feel about dan. how i feel about life in general. just everything. i'm sort of a mess yet not. if that makes any sense at all. right now my classes are so wishy washy. i have no motivation to work when i know that what i'm learning has nothing to do with what i want to do after i graduate. then on top of that i have classes that give me no hardfast direction. i pretty much have no homework except in my ITP class and that's the one i'm auditing. so here i am, sitting around wondering what to do with myself. should i read for marketing when i know that no one else is reading for the class? what should i really be doing in 311? the lack of motivation coupled with the lack of direction and focus from the classes makes for a very confused jen. one that just wants to say fuck it to the world. ugh. anyway, i have officially changed my cell fone # and those of you who know me well enough should have received an email with that new #. no classes for me tomorrow or thursday. see what i mean. no motivation or focus!

aww. how cute is this? as me and kyla were closing the store with william and jorge, we saw that william had this walkie-talkie. so we asked what it was for and he said it was cuz he lives like 3 blocks from his gf and when he gets home he's gonna say goodnight to her on the walkie-talkie. awwww. =) that's so cute. me and kyla thought that was just the cutest thing. i want a guy like that. this makes me like william even more. i mean i don't like him, like him. but aww. how cute. but as i was walking to work today, i was thinking a little bit like i always used to do when i'd wake up at 4am and work the opening shift. i used to always think about dan and how much i liked him and such. and so i was walking to work and i fell back into that mode. i started to think about dan. and i realize how i still do really like him. and perhaps this is why i can't seem to move on. i mean i have my temporary crushes to tide me over. first it was tyson when i visited. then it was brian and josh (altho that's sorta ever-present). then it was chris. and whenever i work it's william. sad. i need to get out of this mindset somehow and i don't really know how. poo!!! =( i know he's moved on completely cuz he doesn't call me to do random stuff like he used to when he was at least somewhat interested in me. and we don't have our nice little late night chats in my room anymore. =(

i just got a new cell fone plan. i am now with AT&T. i still have cingular for about a month or whenever my payment date is up. so i'll have two fones and two numbers. so it's not pressing that i inform everyone of my new number. anyway, i have work tonight. me, kyla, and william close the store. should be fun. i had lunch with ellen today which was fun. i got to see her photos of francois and hear the story. and what a story it was! we're gonna have lunch again on friday and then i'll tell her my story for the past semester. she already knows some of it but i'll flesh it out better for her. i hope this week goes by fast. i don't want to deal with school. at least two of my classes are cancelled. that's always nice. =)

the new coldplay album is fucking amazing. i love it. my favorite song is probably "the scientist." it's such a beautiful song. here are the lyrics to it:

the scientist
- coldplay

come up to meet you, tell you i'm sorry
you don't know how lovely you are
i had to find you, tell you i need you
tell you i set you apart
tell me your secrets and ask me your questions
oh lets get back to the start
running in circles, coming in tails
heads on a silence apart

nobody said it was easy
oh it's such a shame for us to part
nobody said it was easy
no one ever said it would be this hard
oh, take me back to the start

i was just guessing at numbers and figures
pulling your puzzles apart
questions of science, science and progress
do not speak as loud as my heart
tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
oh, and i rush to the start
running in circles, chasing our tails
coming back as we are

nobody said it was easy
oh it's such a shame for us to part
nobody said it was easy
no one ever said it would be so hard
i'm going back to the start

oh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
x4

fyi. kyla broke the internet. haha she reset the server thingy and now our dsl is down. poopy. i had to dial up but first i had to reinstall my modem driver which meant downloading the driver from rick's computer then putting it on my own and such. anyway, here i am. blogging my heart out. i worked tonight. closed with william, jorge, and this new girl jessica. i love working with william. me and ky have little crushes on him. it's funny cuz i remember the first day i went to work i thought he was a dick. but it was just his sense of humor that i wasn't used to. anyway, william says i look really innocent but he likes it and thinks i'm cute. dear god. i feel like i'm 3 years old! =( hehe he drew this picture of me ready to markout the pastries. it was the "plan" and it looks ridiculous. haha maybe i'll display it somewhere. anyway, i'm having lunch with ellen tomorrow and then going to the store and potentially changing my fone plan to AT&T because they get better service than cingular. we shall see. i'll end with a song that will now be linked in my brain with william because he always plays 2 pac and i like this 2 pac song.

life goes on
- 2 pac

chorus: repeat 2x

how many brothas fell victim to tha streetz
rest in peace young nigga, there's a heaven for a 'g'
be a lie, if i told ya that i never thought of death
my niggas, we tha last ones left
but life goes on.....

verse one:

as i bail through tha empty halls
breath stinkin'
in my draws
ring, ring, ring
quiet y'all
incoming call
plus this my homie from high school
he's getting bye
it's time to bury another brotha nobody cry
life as a baller
alchol and booty calls
we usta do them as adolecents
do you recall?
raised as g's
loc'ed out and blazed the weed
get on tha roof
let's get smoked out
and blaze with me
2 in tha morning
and we still high assed out
screamin' 'thug till i die'
before i passed out
but now that your gone
i'm in tha zone
thinkin'
'i don't wanna die all alone'
but now ya gone
and all i got left are stinkin' memories
i love them niggas to death
i'm drinkin' hennessy
while tryin' ta make it last
i drank a 5th for that ass
when you passed....
cause life goes on

chorus

verse two:

yeah nigga
i got tha word as hell
blew trial and tha judge gave you
25 with an l
time to prepare to do fed time
won't see parole
imagine life as a convict
that's getten' old
plus with tha drama
we're lookin out for your babies mama
taken risks, while keepin' cheap tricks from beatin on her...
life in tha hood...
is all good for nobody
remember gamin' on dumb hotties at your party
me and you
no true a two
while scheming on hits
and gettin tricks
that maybe we can slide into
but now you burried
rest nigga
cause i ain't worried
eyes blurry
sayin' goodbye at the cemetary
tho' memories fade
i got your name tated on my arm
so we both roll till' my dying days
before i say goodbye
kato, we're meant to rest in peace
thug till i die

chorus

verse three:

bury me smilin'
with g's in my pocket
have a party at my funeral
let every rapper rock it
let tha hoes that i usta know
from way before
kiss me from my head to my toe
give me a paper and a pen
so i can write about my life of sin
a couple bottles of gin
incase i don't get in
tell all my people i'm a ridah
nobody cries when we die
we outlaws
let me ride
until i get free
i live my life in tha fast lane
got police chasen me
to my niggas from old blocks
from old crews
niggas that guided me through
back in tha old school
pour out some liquor
have a toast for tha homies
see we both gotta die
but ya chose to go before me
and brothas miss ya while your gone
you left your nigga on his own
how long we mourn
life goes on...

chorus *repeats to end*
(sung overtop repeating chorus)

life goes on homie
gone on, cause they passed away
niggas doin' life
niggas doin' 50 and 60 years and shit
i feel ya nigga, trust me
i feel ya
you know what i mean
last year
we poured out liquor for ya
this year nigga, life goes on
we're gonna clock now
get money
evade bitches
evade tricks
give players plenty space
and basicaly just represent for you baby
next time you see your niggas
your gonna be on top nigga
your gonna be like,
'goddamn, them niggas came up'
that's right baby
life goes on....
and we up out this bitch
hey kato, mental
y'all niggas make sure it's popin' when we get up there
don't front.

i'm tired. went to the ozma show. rode with lo and michael and met up with brian, josh and joe at the show. cool guys. i like the idea that i am friends with the skatebot house now. yay! =) when we got to the show, i saw locale am getting their shit out of the van. and i saw chris immediately. but i just walked right by as if i didn't see him. but then he yelled out my name so i turned around and said hi. why does he have to be so hot? wait, let me backtrack. he's actually not hot. cuz it's all about his style, clothes, skininess, etc. if he was stripped down naked. so that he had no style whatsoever. he would not be nearly as cute. honestly, i know this. i do like his skinny body. but it's really the image that attracts me. he's a cool guy tho. i felt like when i had lunch with him eons ago, we had similar interests. and if we had common friends, we would definitely be friends cuz we like the same stuff. but alas we are of different ages and different circles of friends so it shall never be. oh well. whatever. i've been thinking a lot about him lately only because i've seen him a lot recently and saw his friend's band twice. but give me a week and he'll be out of my brain. it was like when i went to visit dom and tyson and when i got back all i could think about was them again. now they are not nearly as prominent in my brain. of course they are visiting me in a few weeks so then they'll creep back in. but whatever. c'est la vie. anyway, the show was good. locale am did a good job. arlo was alright but their songs all sounded too similar. ozma was good but not too inspiring. i felt their set lacked any real emotion or connection with the crowd. after the show we went home to then try and go to parties. brian, josh and joe went to in 'n out first. me and the roomies went to the blue house which was having a party. it was so so. a lot of people were talking about our party. apparently everyone loved it. that makes me happy. even if i didn't find it to be a fantastic party. some people were like "yeah, people are saying it's the best party ever" and shit like that. anyway, that shit is always good food for the ego. brian, josh and joe finally showed up to the party but i was thinking about leaving since my roomies were occupied. so i left with the boys and walked home. but then i saw a party on 29th so i walked over there by myself. it was lame. all these track people and such. not my bag. so i went home. and here i am. hungry and tired. bad combo.

how does one measure success? last night we had the most people here we've ever had. it was intense. i think we told soooo people about this party sooooo far in advance that everyone and their mother came. and then some... so if u want to measure success by the shear numbers, i think we were a huge success. someone told me they thought about 600 people came to our party in total. that's insane. we have sort of established oursveles as *the* non-greek party place. so on one hand, we were a success. but let's look at some of the downfalls to this so-called, "success."

- stolen tap
- stolen mailbox
- michael's glasses are missing
- puke in the kitchen sink
- puke in the cooler
- puke on the floor outside my room
- clogged toilet
- sticky/wet floors
- cups & bottles ALL over the driveway and alley

so basically a lot of shit was taken and there is all this shit that needs to be cleaned. not to mention the fact that it was soooo crowded that i couldn't hardly move around. so here it is. my party. all my friends were here. and i couldn't even tell! i wanted to make sure i saw everyone and that was so hard to do. i hated that. i hated how i could barely move. barely talk to my friends. barely do anything. if i wasn't running the party, i'd probably not care to see everyone. but since i'm one of the hostesses, i feel the need to see everyone. the party started so early too. people came before 10pm! my god. that was intense. i had my little whiteboard taped to my back and i let people write on it. but as it got more crowded, i totally lost the thing. sad. the skatebot boys came relatively early and that was rad. a lot of them came too. josh had never been here before so i showed him around. dominic is fucking crazy. what a silly guy. mike's hair is just too good. anyway, lots of people came. nick came with garth! that was cool. i was so happy to see him here. i hung out with him for a decent amount of time. more so than others it seemed, just cuz i haven't seen him in like 4 months! only tony and mario came from starbucks. no william and chris. sad. no william. i barely got to talk to the starbucks boys. that made me upset. i barely got to talk to jason. we said like two words to each other. i didn't get to talk to jessica or emily really either. i mean i see them all the time so it didn't matter as much i guess, but still! jacinto was there and i said hi to him and that was about it. i saw dylan a few times and he was trying to get me to smile and be happy about all the people. then he gave me a hug. that made me happy. =) i remember at one point i had to pee really badly so i went to the bushes behind the house with kyla and juliana and they blocked me. =) i should have just went to rick's room. duh! cuz i took josh there twice when he needed to pee. i should have done the same. stupid, drunk me. i wasn't with tinna most of the night cuz i could never find her. it was just too fucking crowded. but she made do. *wink wink* altho she was totally being harrassed by lo's friends' friend, katie. cuz lo's friends, ned and zach, were here last night. that was cool. zach's a good guy and ned is cute. =) anyway, they brought this girl, katie, who is not cute and very slutty. someone ate her out at the party and we have these nasty photos of it!! oh god!! =O anyway, katie is bi and she was always looking for tinna. and i would just not tell her where tinna was altho most of the time i honestly didn't know. too many fucking people!! at one point i found pablo from my old business comm class and i was sooo happy he came! cuz he's this slightly older guy. prolly like 30. balding. he's really really nice and stuff. and i wanted to make sure michael got to see him cuz michael likes pablo too. so once i saw pablo, i gave him a hug and then i made it my mission to find michael. and i did. rather quickly. so that was cool. then i ran into this guy who knew who i was and told me that robert from ralphs was looking for me but that he left for a party on ellendale. that bummed me out. but then like 5 minutes later i found robert. and we hugged. he said he came and couldn't find me and stayed for about an hour just chilling and looking for me. that made me really happy. then he said he had to go to the other party and we hugged again and made his way out. but he wanted to say hi to kyla as well. so i tried to find kyla for him. but i couldn't. and i got sidetracked talking to this danish guy, who i think was named jan. cuz i recognized the guy in my marketing class named michael who is danish and then i started talking to his friend about random stuff. that was fun. then i ran into doug and dmitri from my 302 and 250b classes respectively. turns out they know each other really well and are roommates. so i chatted with them for a bit. that was fun. i saw the guitar boys from afar and i think they saw me but now we don't even say hi cuz i told them i wanted them out of my life. haha as it started to get later, the cops were there just sorta standing waiting to break up the party. finally around like 2am they were telling people to go inside the house. but then someone that turned into everyone having to leave immediately. like they literally kicked EVERYONE out. that sucked so much cuz we couldn't even let our good friends stay and chat. cuz like i only ran into ellen like near the end of the party. and we barely got to talk! same with DA and walter. barely got to talk to them too!! just too many fucking people. =(

the end of the night was fucked up and went as follows: so the cops came and kicked everyone out. tinna was hanging onto dan's roommate eric. oh yeah, i met alicia. she seemed cool too. but we only talked for like 10 or 15 minutes. and i felt really drunk at that point so i didn't think i was making enough sense and i felt bad. so i got out of the conversation. anyway, so tinna was hanging on eric and i didn't know what to do. so i ran up to dan and was like "dan. what do i do? tinna has to go to the airport tomorrow." he said i'd get her back in like 30 sec. but then i walked behind the group and thought, "what the fuck. she doesn't have to go to the airport right away. let her go back with them. have fun." so i ran really fast in the other direction. i ran past emily and trying to be silly and tap her on the shoulder. then i fell down. hardcore. bruised knees. scrapped knees. scrapped shoulder and arm. it didn't really hurt at the time. cuz i was drunk. then i latched onto kyla and brian and we walked back home. then kyla put alcohol on my wounds and that hurt like a mutherfucker! then we all went upstairs and chilled. the floor was all wet and nasty tho. gross! we had toast with mayo which brian thought was nasty. kevin came back. then some random dude came in and laid down on our couch. we got rid of him. we offered brian a couch to sleep on but he declined. tinna slept on lo's cot. lo's friends slept on bean bags i think. the girl katie got a couch. kyla slept in bed with me. and juliana slept in kyla's bed. what a crazy situation. even if i had wanted to hook up with a boy, i doubt it would have been possible! for one, there were too many people to talk to that i couldn't comprehend. second of all, with the sleeping situation as fucked as it was, where would the guy have slept really? third, i was completely impaired by dan being there as well as the skatebot boys. cuz i have crushes of the skatebot boys and i know it'll never work out, yet i like to talk to them. so i don't talk to new boys. then of course ultimately i want to hook up with dan cuz i still like him like that. especially when i'm drunk. so it sucks. poo poo. anyway, today has been long yet short. the mess is slowly being tackled by us. altho we are all going to concerts today so it makes it hard. lo, me and michael are going to ozma. maybe i'll see chris there! i bet i will. and rick and ky are going to street scene in SD. so we are all out and the mess still lingers. slowly but surely we'll be back to normal. good god. the next party we throw, i hope it's not this big.

tonight is ozma and locale am at chain reaction. do i ride with my roommates or the skatebot boys? will i see chris there? should i buy the locale am cd or shirt? haha decisions decisions. and do i go out partying afterward? we shall see.

shit. 3 hours til party time. i'm not dressed. my hair isn't ready. should i redye it? i have no idea. it doesn't look like it's gonna rain. so that's good. people are expecting me to wear something weird and interesting but i couldn't come up with a really rad gimmick. i made this top out of capri sun's but then i thought it was too irrelevant to the whole "welcome back" theme. so i thought of something for that but it's nothing spectacular. but it is kind of a cool gimmick. we shall see if i can pull it off.

man o man. about 21 hours til our party. whoa! i hope it doesn't rain. a lot of our close friends will still come. so that's cool. but it would just blow if it rained. no rain. no rain. no rain! the preparations are still in the works. we are always so last minute. shame on us. anyway, went to groundzero tonight. locale am played. they are an interesting band because they all look really young and they all seem to be of different races. it's cool and oddly cute. the lead singer of the band, eric, passed by me once when i was standing outside and then on the second pass he decided to say something to me. cuz i knew he was giving me a strange look the first time. and so he was like "hey. i've met u before huh? u know chris right?" and i was like "yeah i know chris. i remember u. eric right? hi, i'm jen." something along those lines. then he told me that his band was playing and asked if i was sticking around. and i was like yeah. but what i was really thinking was, "duh i'm staying here. u guys are the reason i came to the show. do u think i know or care who diary and limitpoint are?" then i went inside and saw chris from afar but didn't say anything. but then he came up to me from behind and we exchanged a few words. he also told me eric's band was playing. and i again was thinking, "duh. his band is the reason i am here!" i told him i'd be at chain reaction on saturday to see locale am and ozma and he said he'd be there too. man o man. chris is still cute. not as cute tho with his dyed brown hair. he has blonde roots!! emily noticed. i just thought he was going bald!! haha anyway, he's still cute. we told eric's band about the party. maybe they will all come after they play their gig at the key club. who knows. rick gave them one of our silly "business cards." anyway, the party holds much potential for everyone who attends. if we have a shitload of people like we expect and it doesn't rain, there is much potential for everyone. yay! good times, get stories. =)

will it be another hot day? who knows. 5.5 hours of class today and then i'm going to see locale am perform at groundzero. should be fun. yet another wonderful kscr event. =)

woohoo! random violent microwave smashing has occurred. not much damage was done. the perpetrators were not caught. all is well. tinna is here too! yay!

i had a dream just now that me and melissa were leaving somewhere for good and we had to pack ALL this shit into these tiny bags and there was no way it was all gonna fit. but more importantly, i was sooooo sad about leaving. it was hard to pack when all i could think about was being so sad. and then i wanted to talk to dan again and he didn't call me. and i got sad. and then the phone rang and i thought it might be him but then i woke up from the dream. and that was it. man. that's depressing. the dreams of moving away are coming already. =(

isn't life craptastic?!?! brian just said that to me on aim. the word craptastic. so i thought i would use it in my blog since that's how i feel. like shit. my feet hurt from working at starbucks. i cannot begin to complain more about work tonight. me and kyla were just so fucking pissed off cuz shane was being his usually self. completely useless. totally fucking lame. not doing anything. fucking hell! what's the point of him being there??? and then william came in to visit or something and that was cool cuz we love william. he's great. i really hope he comes to our party. him, mario, chris, and tony. and maybe peter. yes, all guys. what can i say? we have lots of guy friends. so yeah. if they come that will make me and kyla happy. but omg. tonight was hell. so many frappucinos. shane not doing anything. susana not pre-closing properly. i'm surprised we got out of there by about 1:05am. i thought for sure we wouldn't leave til like 1:30-2:00am. oh and guess who came in tonight? row mike with julia. that was just a little weird for me. i wonder if they were on a date cuz she seemed slightly dressed up, and i believe he paid for both the drinks. who knows. whatever. that was nothing compared to the shear lack of productivity i witnessed tonight at the store. ugh!! some people. totally useless i swear.

the heatwave continues. =( classes were boring as all hell today. actually what it boils down to is that since i now want to go into web design, every class i am taking, except my web design class, is pretty useless. sure they have some value here and there. but really they are useless. so my motivation to learn this useless material is very small. it sucks. even advertising is boring cuz it's all rehash from my marketing class that i took last year. it's just a different teacher in a smaller room. and now i get to make silly comments with brian instead of michael. that's the difference. oh well. one more year to go. one more year of yucky, pointless classes. sad. i went to talk to the man about appealing my grade. he said the best he could do was change it from a C+ to a B-. so i guess that's what i'll get. whatever. i HATE thinking about it. cuz it makes me angry and upset. just talking with him i almost started to cry cuz that's how emotional i get about this subject. anyway, i'm off to work soon. i really need to change my work schedule cuz working after like 6 hours of class just sucks. i'd rather work on monday night. it's better that way. so i think i'll change it to close the store sunday and monday. i prefer it that way. less rushing around. as it is, i come home from class. eat dinner. sit for a few minutes, then leave to go to work. no time for homework til AFTER my night class tomorrow. sucks. this must change. tinna is coming tomorrow. yay! i'll pick her up from the airport at night. we're getting the alcohol for the party tomorrow as well. oh man. the party. it's gonna be good i hope. i anticipate all my friends to be there. i'm excited. =) this will be good times.

living life in an impromptu nature is great. very fitting for this last year of college. tear* i was gonna go to the football game today but it was so fucking hot that i was really reluctant. kyla wasn't gungho either so we both couldn't egg each other on. so i was sititng at my computer fucking around when brian messaged me. he was like "are u coming to our labor day bbq?" i didn't even know they were having one! i should have guessed tho because they usually bbq on major bbq-ing holidays. and dan had asked me earlier if they were having one. but anyway, since brian asked me right before i was gonna decide whether or not to go to the football game, i decided to go to the bbq. after all, then i wouldn't have to be in the heat so much and those boys over there are cool. i feel sorta awkward around them so as brian said, the more times i go over there, the less awkward it will be. so i got emily to come with me and we went over there. i phoned dan to inform him of the bbq and he came later on. it was a nice chill bbq. it was also josh's birthday so we wished him a happy birthday and we had cupcakes. that was fun. i did a lot of sitting and talking to emily or listening to people talk about random shit. devin showed up which was out of the blue. apparently he met that crew at some shows. makes sense. that's awesome. the circles get smaller once more and the worlds collide. more incest. lovely! haha dan got a bit drunk so he couldn't drive home and went to the lab when he left the house. i came home with emily and then called dan and asked if he wanted to go to starbucks with me since i was gonna go visit kyla anyway. so he came over here. we went to starbucks. that was fun. kyla and dan hadn't seen each other in a bit just cuz dan doesn't come here as much anymore. =( so they were talking. but when i first walked in there, shane right away asks me if dan is my boyfriend. it's like that guy has no shame. he just flat out asks. and right in front of shane, william, and mario, i was like, "umm no. he's my ex." and they were all looking at dan. and then shane asked why we were still hanging out, and i said it was cuz we are still friends. we were friends before we started dating and we still are. what a nosy boy! sheesh. but yeah, it was nice to sit and talk to dan. he'll always hold a special place in my heart. some people will come and go and fade into the sunset. but dan will always be there. awww dan. =) it sucks cuz now that we aren't dating, i have these urges to do things that would be inappropriate since we are just friends. before i was all hung up on intimacy things, and i still am. but now i have these urges that i can't act on even if i wanted to. it sucks. and i realize also that when he's around, it's like i gravitate toward him. like once he showed up at the skatebot house, it was like i had no more little crushes on brian and josh. cuz dan was there and so i was thinking more about him than the other boys. poo. it sucks. anyway, after chatting at starbucks for about an hour or so, me and dan came back here. watched some random music videos on our new/used big screen tv that lawrence picked up from kyla's house today. then i took dan to his car and came home. so it was truly a night of impromptu nature and i really enjoyed that. this is my last year here. i need to make sure that i spend the time wisely and do what i want to do. cuz this time next year, i'll most likely be living in some other city, if not state, and not see most of these people for a very long time. sad, sad thought. =(

it was sooo fucking hot today. over 100 degrees!! good god. when i went to starbucks, we ran out of ice because the machine broke from overuse today!! so we couldn't make anymore cold drinks so we lost a lot of customers. it was so slow we closed early. i worked with william and chris at first. chris is cool. it was my first time working with him. and william should have left but jorge quit!! he just all of a sudden quit today. so william pulled a double shift. later on when chris left, his gf karla came in and worked. cuz she works at a starbucks downtown. she's cool. she gave me a ride home. mario came in to work kyla's shift and he is really nice. i see why she likes him. he was talking to me about random stuff. he said he liked dan when he met him at our last party. he's coming to our next party. so is chris and tony. tony came in tonight and he was drunk apparently. sheesh! hehe oh and dan's ex, vicki came in and she looked super familiar to me. i thought she might be vicki. then when she ordered her drink, i found out her name was vicki and then i knew for sure. she has soooo many piercings and a tongue ring. and big boobs! i see why row mike liked her. haha she was surprised i spelled her name right. but that's only cuz dan's spelled it for me before. so yeah. anyway, graig came in as well. and i had to dispell the whole mess that emily made about blocking him. explain to him that it doesn't even make sense that i'm blocking him when he can see my name online!! sheesh. so i hope all is well. we had soooo many extra pastries tonight that i brought them all home. and there are a shitload of them! i mean, a fucking shitload. 4.5 bags full. it was intense. i had rick come with his car and get them for me. i want to have a pastry party but i'm sure no one will come. =( but if u are reading this and you want pastry. please come here and get some. k? u can have whatever u want. we were just gonna throw it away. so i figured i'd take it home and see if anyone wanted it. if not, maybe the bums will.

i had such trouble sleeping last night. probably why i'm even awake right now. i just kept tossing and turning. it was like i was hot and uncomfortable but i didn't know how to amend that. and now i'm all sleepy because of it. poor me. haha still no outfit for the party THIS friday! fuckin eh it's soon. we are not really ready yet. but we will be soon. no worries. i hope the party is good. cuz we're shelling out a lot of dough for this bad boy.

jesus christ. this school is just too fucking small. it's like eventually, everything comes full circle. tonight we went to two parties. actually, everyone else is still out. i decided to come home. i felt like it was useless to walk any further. anyway, the first party we went to was the chez ronnez one. these guys we met last night invited us to the party. turns out it was a birthday party for this guy named mike who was turning 20. and it turns our that mike was this guy i found attractive the day i helped move in emily junior year. he was deemed "gutter boy" by emily and kyla one night when we saw him sitting on a curb drinking. anyway, so here i am. one year later. at his birthday party. he's not so cute anymore but hey, i was there. then harrison came. and he brought "hotboy" who was this guy me and emily thought was hot freshman year and we basically hunted him down and talked to him and such. it was a weird story. anyway, he was there. once again, full circle. i mean granted we have seen him plenty of times since freshman year. but i'm just making a point. then dan's ex julia walked in. i see her at parties all the time now it seems. this time we said hi. she was talking a lot with row mike. and as we left the second party, they were still talking. maybe they will hook up. i'll ask mike tomorrow. anyway, that again is full circle and incestuous. there were other people who have hooked up with other people at the party as well. basically i feel like everywhere we go these days, there are all these people we know through other people and such. the circles are getting smaller. the worlds are colliding. everything is incestuous. it's sorta gross and weird. oh yeah, the second party we went to was utterly lame. it was a track party. and if u've ever been to a swimmer's party then u know exactly what this one was like. cuz it felt like the same fucking boring thing. kyla called me on my cell and i told her that i'd go home and see her cuz the track party was fucking lame. when i hung up, walter was like "jen. u said that sort of loud." and i was like "yeah i don't give a shit. i don't care if these people know what i think of them. they don't care about me. fuck it." and really, that was my mentality. yes i think your party is lame, and yes i am not afraid to say it. anyway, now i'm home and ready to sleep. cuz i'm tired.