so the new year's eve plans are in effect. as of now the plan is: kyla comes into san fran around 1pm via bart. i pick her up and we mill around for a bit. get boba perhaps. then pick up tinna from SFO at like 3pm. either drop her off at home or take her with us to mountainview to chill with wakerly for a bit. have dinner out there. then come back into the city at night for the stroke of midnight celebrations with joe and his crew. altho we don't know what they are doing. throw mel and matt into the mix as well if they wish to accompany us. on another note. speaking to emily just now. i have hooked up with 7 boys this year! good god. 7!! pat, dylan, jeremy, andy, dan, josh, and brett. some were just kissing but still. whatever. 7!! sheesh! what has happened to me? it's 2002. the palendrome year. that's what it is! haha

lab results are back! the doc said that technically i just have a little bacteria infection and if i wasn't having any irritation there would be no need for treatment. but i am. so she gave me some antibiotic suppositories. take them for 3 nights. i hope it works. i also got some yogurt cuz that has "good" bacteria in it called acidophilus or something like that. so hopefully by the time i get back to LA i'll be fine and dandy. i hope i hope. everyone cross your fingers. at least it's not something horrible like chlamydia. if it was, not only is that just bad. but then i'd have to tell like dan i had it and stuff like that. and plus i know my dad would be really upset and stressed. so let's just be thankful it wasn't that. phew!

wow. missed a day of blogging. typically when that happens it means i have been so busy doing shit that when i do finally blog, there will be a story or two to tell, and the entry will be long. this case is no different. therefore i shall break it up into multiple paragraphs. ok so where i left off.

friday morning. went to the gyno. she was late. and almost didnt get to see me cuz she had to deliver twins! and so basically i got into the room and then right after me she was gonna have to leave. let me tell u. it was painful. she's slow and she got the test tube vials AFTER she put on the goddamned clamps. yes folks, they were on for at least like 3-4 minutes. omg! pain. anyway, lab results will be back tomorrow. i'm still thinking bacteria infection. who knows. so after that i went to kyla's home in cameron park. took prolly like 2 hours. there was rain and traffic. got there and we went to this coffee shop to get a drink and chat and also to get me some tiramisu flavored coffee beans. of course they were out so we had to go to another one. but we sat and chatted about lots of post-college stuff. it was good times. went to the outlets to shop a bit. i got a sweater at this store where the boys that worked there were totally sassy with me. it was good times. fun to be sassy back. haha joe called us up and said he was coming out that way to have dinner with his aunt. so me and ky got dinner at this sushi place which was quite yummy. then we went to this restaurant/bar and met with her friends tarrah and amara and then later joe and his cousin joined us. that was fun. stayed til about 11 something. then i went back to ky's to get my car to drive home. i'd have just spent the night except that i had to be at the art institute open house at 10am the next morning. so yeah. got home around 2am. went to bed.

yesterday morning. got up to go to the art institute open house with my parents. it was a bit odd. the school is super small. like 500 students total. cuz it's so new. only like 4-5 yrs old. so i did that and realized i don't know what major to choose. graphic design or multimedia and web design. ugh! yet another decision i have to make. that and where to live. altho i feel like seattle's program is better. so i dunno. ugh! anyway after that i went to the mac store with my parents to look at computers for when i graduate. then we went shopping for a bit. came home and got my plans solidifed for the night. basically it was supposed to be kyla meeting up with me and going to mel's place to get mel and matt. then the 4 of us going to this bar to meet joe and crew. but that didn't happen. matt didn't want to go. so mel was gonna go with us. but then they had a fight and poor mel had a right to be mad i think. so she didn't go either. so then ky met with me and we drove to joe's house. there were some boys there already. high school "friends." i put the quotemarks cuz some of them i knew well and some i didn't really know at all. just by association. it was weird to see them again. mark, brian and joe are cool. fazio i haven't seen in forever. his first name is tom. he got a bit heavier. sad. nice face still. mo looked the same. jamaal is still a talkative bastard but i have inner animosity towards him cuz he talked shit about me after me and daniel broke up back in fucking junior year of high school! dennis i never really knew so whatever. and matt, sean, and chris i didn't really talk to. so yeah. we were there hanging out and i figured the nite would be ok cuz i knew everyone, basically. and so nothing would happen with old high school folks. its just not like that. but then....joe had one friend come who i didnt know. cuz he didn't go to our high school. and his name is brett. he's 22. in the fucking army. bleh. haha not my type. too normal looking. anyway, so some ppl are drinking. eventutally we all get into cars and go to this bar. immediately when we walk in, some guy comes up to me and ky and like talks to us and says some stupid thing about the bathroom. this is probably why i dont like bars. then he's like "yeah i didnt mean what i said about the bathroom. i just wanted to meet you girls." then he goes back to his group. whatever. so ppl are there chilling and drinking. joe's talking to ky a lot. then brett asks me if i want to go play air hockey next door at the other bar. so i agree. and then he grabs my hand and right then i was like, fuck. do i have to turn into the bitch now? haha

ok so we play one game of air hockey. and i HATE when boys all of a sudden try to play shit all half ass so that the girl can win. i HATE that. anyway so then i didnt want to play another game cuz i thought we could just go back to the other bar. but no. the fucker was good. all the classic moves. he goes outside in the back to see if its still raining. and i come out. and its sorta drizzly. so now we are leaning up against the wall and he's got his arms sorta around me. so in my head im trying to figure out how to get out of this. but i dont know. so we are talking about random shit including the buttons on my purse. im thinking as long as my head is down he can't kiss me. so then after a bit he says "can i be bold...and kiss you?" or something like that. and i say "well. u are leaving soon. i'm leaving soon. i wont see u again. sure whatever." something horrible like that. and he's like "dont say it like that." and then we are kissing. then he was like picking me up and shit. it was weird. telling me i'm beautiful. etc. and im just like, eh. boring. boring kisser. just eh. i was thinking about josh and how i wanted to call him and tell him! hehe so finally we go back to the other bar and the boys are drunk. i tried to call josh. wasn't there. so i talked to ky and joe. then later brett wants to play pool. ugh. i HATE pool cuz i suck so bad. so then it's me and him on one team, and joe and ky on another. i resisted so badly. but brett picked me up in the middle of the bar and put me over by the table! and joe was like, "just do it. he's hella into you. etc." so we did. and we won. and then some of the boys played another round and brian is like, "look jen. he's trying to impress you." but he made this motion like a cue stick moving that looked sexual. it was funny. anyway, at 2am the bar closed and markbroke the door by accident. don't know how the fuck that happened. he ran far away. hehe half of the group went back to joe's place. i was tired. sorta fell asleep at the table. brett made some quesadillas at one point. i'm not sure if this was to try and impress me or what. weird. eventually at like 4:30am it was me, brett, ky and joe. joe gave me and ky his sister's bed. brett i think wanted to sleep with me in the same bed so thats why i opted to sleep with ky. so he didn't spend the nite. but he came into the room before we were sleeping and fussed with me and my socks. weird. said it was nice to meet me. shook my hand. then kissed me on the lips (!) and was gone. weirdness. all night joe kept calling jon mahl to try and get him to come so ky could meet him. but to no success. sad. perhaps new year's eve?!?

so this morning, me and ky woke up. then joe. fussed around. then we left. i showed ky where lowell was. then we got some bagels at noah's bagels and had coffee. then i tried to get tapioca drinks at two dif places cuz they are the good places. but no! too much fuckin traffic. damned asian areas. hard to drive in. ugh. so no tapioca for me. we went downtown so she could get these pants she wanted at urban. then she drove home. so that's it. that's what i have been up to and why i didn't blog. i just didn't have time. my parents are annoying me a lot but i think i'll stay here for new years. cuz i don't know what i'd do in LA. so yea. and hell, maybe more random boy occurances will happen. haha i'm thinking that if that happened more often, i might actually start to believe i was attractive. haha

shopping was a mess today. crowds everywhere. but i expected and wanted it actually. i like the after xmas mess. it's fun downtown. didn't take full advantage of it. only got a pair of jeans, a tank top, and a cute pair of dkny undies which my parents don't know i bought cuz they are sorta lacy. haha me and my reserved ways at home. no see-thru bras here! that harks back to the other day when my parents were watching something on tv and commenting on how these women were wearing see-thru bras and they were like "what are these women doing? you can see through their bras. etc." i thought it was funny considering i own such things. anyway, gyno in about 8 hours. woo! better sleep. can't miss the appt. i've been waiting for this moment for awhile. did i ever think i'd be so thrilled to see a gyno? no sir!

woohoo! despite the shitty weather here, i am happy. going to the gyn tomorrow. albeit 9:45am but yay! i got an appt with my mom's gyn. i thought i was gonna have to drive back to LA on sunday to make this monday appt i got. but no. thank god. of course i'm overly freaking out about this infection by looking up every possible thing it could be. bacterial vaginsomething or other. trick. all the std's. i'm all freaking out. me and josh didn't have sex tho. so i don't think it's an std. i dunno. i'm a hypochondriac so i fear everything. anyway, tomorrow i see the doc. if it is BV and she can tell from the swab test, then i could get my medicine tomorrow perhaps. who knows. so now i'm not sure if i want to go back to LA for new years cuz i don't NEED to be back there to see the gyn. i'll figure it out. seeing ky after the gyn. talked to joe. he wants to get a crew going to some bars on possibly saturday. maybe ky will be in for that as well. who knows. i'll figure it out. for now, shopping!!!

the cat's out of the bag. dad knows. he thinks it was dan though. it all came about basically cuz of this damned infection. talks of sex here and there. i didn't admit but he also knows i didn't deny. it's ok. it's not a big deal at all. and he knows that he always said he would know. but he also said that he doesn't see me enough but that he could glean it from my emails about dan! haha he doesn't know about dylan. and god forbid he found out about me and josh. he would not condone such acts. u know what though. my dad is pretty fuckin liberal these days. cuz i was saying how i have to adjust my life when i come back here cuz i'm used to going out late on a whim and how i can't really do that here. and he said i totally could if i wanted. mom prolly wouldn't like it tho. he also said that i have to live my life the way i want to and he'd never cut me off because of it. things like tattoos and piercings he doesn't condone but he wouldn't ever cut me off. he said that if i said i wanted to do something like that he wouldn't like it but that he would just say well are u sure u want to do this? u know i don't think it's socially a good move. etc. things like that. but that basically i can do whatever i want cuz i'm 21 years old. this made me happy. i finally feel like i am somewhat of an adult in my dad's eyes. thank god! now my mom, whole other ballpark. haha

just saw catch me if you can. good movie. totally packed. i won't even begin to rant about this fucking woman who took these seats i wanted. i was so pissed. i should have stood my ground. ugh. anyway, the movie was good and i think i want to get the book to read about the real man. he seems interesting. i think i'm going back to LA for new years. my friend, joey, who i intern with at vagrant lives up here in norcal. and he's flying up here to spend a few days with his parents. he was supposed to fly back to LA on jan 1st but he said if i drive back before new years he would ride up with me. keep me company. that's rad. so i think i might just do it. it's all sort of dependent on the gyn. cuz i need to see the gyn cuz i think it might be a bacteria infection rather than yeast. in which case they need to give me antibiotics. and so if i can get an appt at my gyn like next week, then i'm going back. cuz that, right now, is THE most important thing to me of all. get that shit cleared up. i'm such the hypochondriac that i think this shit will be something worse and turn into something worse and so on and so forth. so yeah. i need to stop thinking about it but i can't do that til i see the doc. tomorrow i'm going downtown to shop. then friday seeing kyla up here way. saturday is a day with the fam. going to the art institute open house. then the mac store and other stuff. somewhere in there i'm seeing mel and tinna at night. haven't figured it out. eh. whatever. i don't feel like typing anymore. haha

i'm looking in all the wrong places. i totally won't find a boy to date who's in a band. that's so hard! goodness. always out of the loop! ky and em are on there way to some decent relationships here. i'm happy for them. look at me. totally single. wanting to date a boy who doesn't want to date. fucking around. getting nowhere. oh well. what to do? what to do? no boys at school. totally exhausted that. don't really meet people otherwise. i guess it's a lost cause. always single. always.

rain. bleh. i just realized that i had a dream about that brandon kid. the one that gave me his fone # like eons ago and i thought i could possibly date until he turned out to be just too bland. in the dream he called me or something and was like "hey, this is brandon?" and i was like "brandon who? i know lots of brandon's." this makes me wonder if it was a metaphor for someone else. cuz last nite i was talking to my parents about how i must be back in LA before jan 10th cuz daniel's birthday is that day and i'm taking him out to dinner. and here's the dialogue we had:

me: yeah so i have to be back in LA by jan 10th cuz i'm taking daniel out to dinner for his birthday.
mom: daniel who?
dad: daniel finlayson.
me: no! not daniel finlayson. his birthday is july 23rd.
dad: (laughing) you know mom. the daniel she....dated.
me: no!! that's dan! not him. the daniel in the band that i'm doing the website for.
dad: ugh. too many daniel's in your life! i swear, you're going to marry a daniel. just watch.

yeah. basically a whole dialogue about too many daniel's in my life. they never heard the jeff and chris schpiel from me and emily! now THAT'S too many chris' and jeff's! anyway, so perhaps my dream was dealing with that. who knows. whatever. anyway, at home right now. in total hermit mode. don't care about doing anything except going to the goddamn gyn to make sure i am ok for good. that's ALL i seriously care about. that and whether or not to go back to LA for new years. i think if i had something to do there i will go back. cuz my friend joey from vagrant lives down there and he's totally up for chilling with me anytime. so now that i have his fone # i'm thinking the other idle days could be spent kicking it with him or jessica or tyler or josh. then eventually ppl will trickle in and all will be well. so yeah, perhaps i'll be back in LA in a week. we shall see. if it continues to be like this at home, i will have to go back. it's BORING! i have some tentative plans. after-xmas shopping thursday. perhaps go to this oxygen bar with tinna that night. we think it looks interesting to say the least. friday going to see kyla up her way. saturday morning/afternoon i have the open house at the art institute. sunday no plans. altho i think i'll meet with my dad's coworker about possibly making a website for him. he'll pay me some decent cash. i need it after this holiday crunch! monday no plans. and tuesday is new year's eve. so i'll either go back to LA that morning or figure something out here. who knows. gotta see mel. perhaps tonight. i should call her in a bit.

figures. just figures. we just had a tiny earthquake! haha how funny. first day back in town and we have a little eq. no more than 4.0 for sure. it was a baby. enough to make the closet doors rattle. that's about it. anyway, bored already. goodness. tinna told me she's going to disneyland for new years. that sounds fun. i wish i could do that. i mean i can but i'm not sure if i want to go back to LA that soon. but hey, it's supposed to fucking rain here in san fran for new years. doesnt that blow?!? but not LA of course. not even seattle will be getting rain! anyway, whatever. i'll figure it out. we'll see how this next week goes. take it from there. i'm so bored. right about now i'd prolly hope in my car and go somewhere for some coffee and such. but i don't really know where i'd go here for one thing. secondly, my parents always want to know everything i'm doing. and going out alone at 12:30am doesn't sound like a good idea to them even tho i do it in LA. yep, coming back to san fran means turning into a 5 yr old. sad but fucking true. it's all a crapshoot tho. san fran = boring and annoying parents. LA = lonely but free. ugh! whatever. the discontent begins already and i haven't even been here nearly 8 hours. good grief!

home! home in san fran. good ole san fran. it took me about 7 hours to get here cuz i stopped once for a long time to call my dad and another time cuz my eyes were tired. i hate driving so much. oh well. it's ok. i felt sorta sad leaving LA but at the same time it was lonely and bored. so i dunno. it's a catch-22. whatever. if i get bored here in san fran i'll just go back to LA! i talked to kyla who said she was already bored. and emily said she was too. i guess the joys of being home and feeling like your a kid just aren't so great. i know for me they aren't. i'd prefer to be in LA if other people were there. oh well. i definitely need to be back by the 10th cuz that's daniel's birthday and i said i would take him to dinner. i'm gonna take him to the formosa cafe cuz he once said he always wanted to go there but never did. so i'm gonna take him there. what will i do with myself here?? my mom is jabbering on about random crap and i don't want to hear it! also, i'm used to staying out really late. especially since i met josh and we do shit at like 2am! and i don't sleep til at least like 4am. how can i do that here? my parents prolly won't let me. eh whatever. i'll prolly sleep a lot and read this book i want to give josh. go out with a couple ppl here and there. after-xmas shopping. stuff like that. i already have plans to see kyla twice. once here in san fran and once up here way so we can go to this coffee shop that i want to try out. gotta see lo at least once. maybe jason if i can catch him before he leaves for NY. mel and tinna of course, altho tinna said she won't be here for xmas and new years most likely. that blows. i wanna go to a couple bars and stuff. see what they are like. and silly josh warns me to be careful in my own city!! whatever. =P

oh i love lydia. she's so great! i wish she didn't live all the way in NY. we get along so well and it was totally like old times. i met with her parents and sister at this restaurant for dinner and it was good times. i usually hate to meet people's parents but they are really nice and funny. i loved them. we all had good convo and i felt like i could contribute nicely and it went well. so it was great! then me, lydia, her sister and this friend of theirs all went to this restaurant/bar and chatted over drinks. oh yes. new good drink of choice -- stoli vanilla with ginger ale. good stuff. that was lydia's drink. yummy! anyway, we chatted about all sorts of stuff. i don't feel so scared about my uncertain future considering she's graduated and still uncertain as well. we chatted about boys and as usual, she always has so many names to throw out. it's great. anyway, around 11 or so we left the place and i was gonna take her back to her motel. but first we took photos. and boy did we take a lot. 33 to be exact. they are in the photos section. basically lydia takes shitty photos cuz she always blinks and makes weird faces. so we took a bunch til we got it right. here are my two faves. they are the LAST two we took!

oh lydia. good times. too bad i couldn't stay here longer to see her. but i have to go home to san fran. i have to see my parents for a little bit at least. i know i will get sick of san fran really fast and want to come back asap. i just know it. but it was well worth the wait to see lydia again. i mean, there were some sad and lonely moments here in LA, but it was worth it. cuz i haven't seen lydia in so long and i'm not sure when i'll see her next. she's so rad tho. anyway, i should probably sleep soon. got a long drive ahead of me here. ugh. i just hope the weather is decent.

whoa. josh can be brutal when he's pissed. it's fucking great. no holds barred. i was just now chatting with him online and he's so pissed he said he can't see anyone or else he'll lose his friendship with them. wow! that's hardcore i have to say. i guess i will be sending him his card for sure. goodness. don't want to step in the path of josh. haha on another note, lydia called. she is a bit unsure what's going on with her fam but we shall soon figure it out and i will be meeting with her one way or another! on another note, i think the yeast infection has cleared up! cross your fingers everyone! haha

yay! packing is done! well mostly. i have to throw in the shit that i need tomorrow morning. the last minute toiletries and such. but yeah. it's done. wee! i hate to pack. no actually, i have to unpack even more. cuz packing its almost like an art. it's like cramming all the stuff into the space as best u can. unpacking is a mess. throwing shit all over, trying to put it back to where it once belonged. or if it's a new place, creating a special space for the shit. i hate that. anyway, i have decided to wear the shirt that lydia gave me to back in brighton. i'll show her that i still have it and still wear it! oh lydia. she's great. i love her. =)

it's funny cuz i really like this one this engine burns song that they recorded. and here i am listening to this bitch over and over and i then i was like "hmm i wonder what the lyrics are." and my total inclination was to then go to their website. but then i was like, duh! first of all they don't even have a name for the song. and second, *I* am doing the website! duh. of course they aren't on there. if they were, i would know. haha anyway, it was a funny thought to me. lydia called me and we are gonna hang out around 6 something i think. she's staying at this hotel called the farmer's daughter and i didn't know what that was at all until i looked it up and then i was like, duh. it's on fairfax near the grove. i remember dom commented on it once when we drove by. and its near canters and shit so of course i know the area. haha anyway, yeah. seeing her FINALLY!!

another night down south. this time at tyler's. man. what a night. me and jessica drove down there in her car and all was fine. we got to his new apt and hung out with him for awhile. it's a cute place. then we went over to his neighbors cuz they were having a small party. they were all older than us so it was a tad bit weird. older as in late 20's. but hey, when i'm only 21 and still in college and they are like out of college and working and such, there is a bit of a gap. but they seemed nice enough. they were pretty plastered by the time we got there tho. me and jessica commented how we're gonna be those two oddballs in the back of every photo and today when they look at the photos sober they'll be like, "who are those two girls?" anyway, we left tyler's around 12:30 or something and we got just to the 405N when all of a sudden jessica's car overheated. so we pulled to the side and she checked the oil. it was fine. so then we didn't know what to do. we realized the shittiness of the situation. so we first called tyler who was sufficiently plastered and passing out. he told us that he'd leave the door open so that we could crash there if need be. so we called AAA and they said they come out in 20 min. 20 min turned out to be more like 40 min cuz the man didn't understand where we were on the freeway and therefore couldn't find us. but finally he came. it was like 2am at this point. so then the man took jessica's car to pep boys cuz they are the only place open on sunday. they got us a cab back to tyler's and we crashed on his two couches. then this morning he drove us to pep boys only to find that they prolly wouldn't be able to tend to jessica's car today unless it was something simple. poor jessica!! tyler drove us back to LA and here i am. waiting for lydia's call. i hope it all works out for jessica. i wish there was something i could do but i'm leaving LA tomorrow so i don't think i can help much. i offered to take her to work if need be, but then i'm not sure how she'd get home. basically it just sucks cuz her car is prone to fucking up like this. =( on a totally different note, i have some of this engine burns songs stuck in my head. dear me!

yeah so i was sitting here thinking about it. and today, albeit lonely, was a good "me" day. and i didn't really feel lonely. i did my shit and now i'm gonna see some people. so it's good. i think the time alone did me well. and i am not sure i even care to see josh tomorrow if i can. i think i'm sorta ODing on the boy. i mean, yes it's nice to see him. and he doesn't bother me on bit. but u know how when u just sorta see someone so much it starts to become a bit insane? i realized that i have seen josh so much lately that i basically feel like that. i mean, i used to see dylan like once a week when we were dating. maybe twice. and here i've seen josh i don't know how many times in the past week! anyway, yeah. off to tyler's!

well, i woke up at like 2:30pm today. good god! i guess i needed the sleep. i've been on such a fucked up schedule lately. i think due to josh. anyway, perhaps i can give him his card tomorrow. prolly not and i'm gonna have to fucking mail it. how lame is that? we practically live in the same city! but i suppose that is it. if we did live in the same city he would have his card right now. oh well. in feb he's moving to LA with the boys. let's see if i don't fuck this shit up before then anyway. ha! so yeah. me and jessica are making the trek down to newport later on tonight to see our lovely friend and former hookup, tyler. haha it's that strange. two girls riding down to see a boy that they once both hooked up with. not at the same time of course! anyway, should be good times. i feel like i've been down in the orange county area far too much lately. im not even really fan of that area. oh well. u do what u gotta do. today i managed to wash my sheets and half of my clothes. so thats good of me. im getting ready to go home. i can't wait. perhaps all this loneliness is a good thing because now i actually WANT to go home. of course, once i get there i'll want to be back here. altho it's lonely here. eh. it's such the catch-22. anyway, i have decided to re-evaluate how i feel about josh. i think i'm still ok with all of this. last nite was making me wonder if i was ok, but now i think i am. eh. i think i go back and forth. but whatever. at least it gives me something to think about and have some sort of drama in my life. otherwise it's just fucking boring. and i hate that.

so, jen failed in her attempt to deliver the xmas card to josh. it was a sad, sad moment when she pulled up to the tower records only to find that it was closed. yes folks. closed. it was nearly midnight yet the store was no longer open. after driving a decent distance, jen put her car in reverse and headed back home. the drive home seemed much quicker than the one there. perhaps jen was in a hurry to get back to the confines of her not-so-warm and not-so-welcome home. nah....

sad. josh had to cancel tonight cuz he's stuck working til closing which is midnight + close time. and he's going to SD tomorrow so we can't hang out tonight. or tomorrow. he said maybe sunday but he's got a tattoo appt and i'm seeing lydia at nite. so yeah. sad. i still have to give him his xmas card! i'm tempted to drive out to his work and give it to him. it would give me something to do and would surely kill an hour or more. hmmm....

it's lonely once more yet it's the daytime so it's ok. the daytime is fine. it's the nite that kills me. hence my going over to skatebot house and chatting with brian til about 2am. that was fun. i hadn't seen brian in ages it seemed! it was fun to hang out and talk and walk talk shows. haha then i went home and caught josh online. we were both bored but he didn't want to drive out here cuz of the rain. but i was SOOO bored and SOOO lonely that i said i'd go there. not to mention i've never seen his place. so i figured i would. i told him if he didn't see me in an hour to call and make sure i was alive! and as it turned out, the rain was horrible and the 710 freeway sucks so much ass that i think it must have taken about an hour to get there. such that he called my cell like right before i got there and left me a message asking if i was ok. then called back again and that time i heard it and told him i was like right there at his house. so he hopped in the car and we went to some diner. man, i'm gonna know all the fuckin 24 hour diners sooner or later. haha we chatted about random stuff including my insecurities and boundary crossing and such. basically nothing crosses any boundary except holding hands. haha what i realize about josh is that he's really rad and laid back. he's spiritual in the sense that he believes in buddhism. he's definitely on the artsy fartsy side. a bit efemminate. to me, he's like the closest thing i'll ever see to brandon boyd. skinny and all. haha anyway, after the diner i went back to his place and stayed the night cuz it was raining hard still and it was like 4 or 5 am. his place is fucking weird. it's like part of a house or something. he lives in this like sectioned off corner that is basically where a garage used to be. it's weird. his bed is ultra nice. warm and really comfy. =) anyway, whatever. no details. there is all this shit i want to say about him and what i think is going on in his mind and stuff but it's not for public display since it's my thoughts on his feelings. anyway, i left this morning around 11 something cuz his roommate woke us up for him to move his car and then he had to do shit anyway. i'll see him tonight but not tomorrow. change of plans. cuz he's doing to SD for something. i think tattoos. i dunno. whatever. i gotta get over to daniel's to give him his xmas card!! he's leaving tonight. sheesh! he didn't even tell me. i had to get it from josh.

oh yeah. on another disgusting note. i'm taking some prescription medicine for a yeast infection that might not even be one according to my gyn. fan-fucking-tastic!

the house is cold and lonely. all have left. i am the lone soldier out here in orange:house. =( today has been loooooong. i did my shit in the afternoon and now i'm bored. i have various tasks to do such as finish my scrapbooks from england! or read this book that i want to give to josh. but all these things make me depressed to be alone. i'm gonna go over to skatebot house soon cuz some of them are still here. tomorrow me and jessica are seeing adaptation when she gets off work. then josh is coming and he'll be here through saturday i believe. so that's a decent amount of time to be occupied. but what i worry about is saturday night and sunday afternoon. nah, actually sunday afternoon lydia comes. and while i think i'm only meeting her at nite, i'll be frantically washing my clothes, sheets, and packing my shit. so i'll be busy. so basically saturday night i'm concerned with. unless i can convince josh to keep me company. i dunno what his plans are. anyway, i got my first roll of 120mm film prints back. the ones i took with the lovely diana camera. they are alright. some are cool and some aren't. i'm gonna scan them and make a section somewhere of just diana photos. how exciting. i currently have some b&w film in the camera now. i plan to use that mostly in san fran. but i'm thinking i might be able to capture a rad photo of josh sleeping or something in the morning when the sun is shining. provided it's not all rainy and the sun doesn't shine!! i need to come up with a new journal idea cuz mine is starting to run out. i shall think of that. i'm thinking of making it either look like some sort of photo thing or go a totally dif route and go lo-fi style looking like a homemade zine or something. we'll see. off to skatebot!

it's really fucking cold in my room!! i don't like that. =( josh came over earlier and rick actually got to meet him cuz he came right as rick was leaving and basically rick let him in the door. anyway, so we worked on the website for like 2 hours. yes, we really did work. =) he has this idea to totally redo the site all artsy fartsy and i dig it, but i'm not so sure the other boys will. we'll see. i think one reason i like josh is cuz he is sorta artsy. he's skinny. aggressive yet not. i dunno. after we did the website for a bit, he took me out to lunch. it was like 4 something but whatever. lunch it was. he said to name any place. so we went to fred 62 cuz he said he hadn't been there. but when we got there, he realized he had. it was a bit awkward i felt. it was weird. and then we went to this store that we had passed on the way cuz he wanted to get a shirt. oh he paid for my meal again. that bastard! always paying. i'll get it next time i swear. =) the store was awkward and the carride home was too. i'm not sure why. i think it was partially cuz i was really fucking tired. and then right towards the end i had to pee sooooo bad. so when we got back here i wasn't sure if he was coming in so i just like sorta ran to the house and he followed. i figured he would stay here til his band practice at like 8pm or whatever. we were both quite tired so he laid down to take a nap and i figured i'd do the same. so we basically just laid here for a little over an hour sleeping. but at first we were laying separate and then he like tugs on my sweater and says, "come here. i want to cuddle." so then we did. which was a good thing cuz my room is totally freezing and he was really really warm. around 7:45 he figured he should leave and as we were sorta futzing around he asked me, "do i make your nervous?" and i said, "yes you do and i'm not sure why." i know it's all rooted in my insecurities but i think i will ponder this more. cuz i want to give him a real answer. i'm just not 100% sure what that answer is. anyway, so then he left for practice and i went to look at rick's brazil photos with him and jessica. now i just found out that rick isn't leaving til tomorrow morning from LAX cuz his plans changed. so guess what? i get to wake up at 8am and drive him there! oh joy of joys! haha it's cool. i love rick so i don't mind. but i love to complain about LAX as well cuz i go there so fucking much. anyway, friday josh is coming by after work. i can't even remember why. we just knew that he has to get these photos at some point to scan on my computer. and so he said he'd come by friday night after work and we'd go do something. then saturday we'd do the photos. i think. i'm not even sure. whatever. the whole house is mine after tomorrow. sad. but hey, that means i can do whatever the fuck i want. dishes can be done whenever. i can walk around naked if i so desire! haha

finals are OVER! thank fucking god. and everyone's gone too. =( sad rick is back tho. i picked him up after my 311 final which wasn't all that hard. he is totally peeling from his sunburn that he got in brazil. he said it was like 90-100 degrees there. good god! it's nice to see rick again. i missed his presence. too bad he has to leave tonight. i'll be all alone in the house for like 4 days cuz i'm waiting for lydia to come so i can see her for one day. then i'm going back home to san fran on the 23rd. josh is supposed to come over today so we can work on the website together. i wonder how much we will accomplish. he might make it harder for me to work cuz i sorta like doing websites by myself. but whatever. i need band input anyway cuz i'm sorta lost. he said that since no one else was helping me he and i would take charge of this mofo. good stuff. oh yeah. i turned in my first roll of film from the diana camera. exciting. it should be done in a couple hours actually. i dunno if i'll be able to get it today since josh will be here. oh well. whatever. there's always tomorrow. i gotta take care of other errands tomorrow anyway. i miss my roommates already. =( michael left last nite. kyla and lo left this morning. sad. lo and dee made this christmas songs album for us and their family and other friends. it's really rad. it's not very long but it's cool. it's her playing the harp and him playing the guitar. i was wondering why she was playing the harp so damned much lately. now i know why. i think that's really cool of them. i'm gonna burn a copy for my mom. i think she will like it. she likes christmas songs. and the fact that it comes from my friends will make her happy.

ugh. i HATE studying for 311. it's such a bitch. it's all about perfection and i CANNOT be perfect at 8am! and that's when my final is. in 6 fucking hours. good god. i'm waking up at 7am. that's ridiculous. the class is normally at 2pm. why the fuck is the final at 8am?? who did this horrible scheduling? not to mention i haven't done anything academic in over a week. so my mind is total mush. and i am expected to study for this fucking exam when everyone around me is packing to leave?? good god. shoot me now. actually don't. i have an exam to take soon enough. off to bed i go. dad is calling to make sure i wake up by 7:15am. good ole dad. =)

procrastination continues. wee! i cleaned out the fridge almost entirely. made some food. talked to some random girl online named alisha who is really rad and i think we get along well. i went to look in my journal for the address to this tofu place and in the process began reading old entries. all the pain i felt before i was dating dan. and all the pain after. june 8th the last thing i said in the entry was, "my life is a string of unfair events momentarily interrupted by glimmers of hope that are dashed in mere seconds. my heart is broken right now. i hate my life." this was one night when dan and i had a "talk" about how he can't date me cuz it won't work. etc. that whole schpiel that i had heard over and over only that particular time it hurt the most cuz i knew there was hope and yet there wasn't. and i remember we talked in my room, in the dark, with the door shut. it was quite gloomy. omg. and right now "reflections" by the supremes is on the radio. holy crap. that was the song i played over and over and over after me and dan broke up. aww. i'm not sad over dan now tho. i think i have finally moved on. it's just weird to revisit these feelings and the pain. cuz there was so much pain wrapped up in dan. before and after we dated. i mean, my feelings were like 3 years in the making. i dont think i've ever felt so many emotions over one person. it's crazy.

i just had a rather interesting and enlightening conversation with josh just now. i shall see him wednesday at 2pm to work on the website. for now i am off to sleep!

i should start studying for my 311 final. i think i will after work and all day tomorrow. something like that. bleh. i'm so out of school mode at this point since the past week has just been fun and nothing else. it's raining like a mofo today. perhaps this is what seattle is like 75% of the time. can i handle this gloom? i am back to working on the TEB site. the boys need to give me shit to put on it. those slow ass bastards. haha anyway, i have this book that i am trying to finish to give to josh for xmas. not really as a gift, but if he kept it i wouldn't care. it's a book i got in england about a band trying to make it big. i figure he and the boys might find it interesting. he can read it and pass it on if he wishes altho i'm not entirely sure how big the rest are on reading. eh. whatever. my feet are cold. damned cold weather. i need new sleeping socks. mine are wearing through on the bottom.

my roommates did enquire about elijah sleeping on the couch. they saw that he was wearing a "this engine burns" shirt and so they figured he was connected to the band somehow. and then they knew that he must have been here on account of me. i figured my roommates wouldn't really care cuz he's not harming anyone by sleeping there. i think they found it stranger that at points in the morning my room door was open on account that elijah left it wide open and my half-naked lazy ass wasn't willing to get up and close it. haha lawrence at one point came down here to get jason's phone # and i just let him walk in with josh and i laying there half asleep. when i talked to lo about it today he just said that it was awkward and all but that if i didn't care he didn't care. and that's what i thought. eh. whatever. it's not like we were doing anything. so who really cares.

espresso does the body good. well not really, but it sure does perk me up! i was dead tired when i went to work so i immediately drank 3 shots of espresso. it wasn't working so well so i drank another 3 more. then i rushed home on my 30 min "lunch" break and told kyla the whole night's story really fast. then i rushed back to work only to find that josh had called me right before i left for my lunch. he left a message tho. basically, earlier on tonight i messaged him while he was "away" on AIM. he didn't respond and logged off. i didn't expect him to really cuz he was "away" and also my message was just something about needing caffeine. so he called me just to say sorry that he didn't message and to make sure i didn't think he was blowing me off cuz i had said in an email that my fear with hooking up with boys is losing them as friends and he wanted to assure me that we would be friends through thick and thin. haha i thought it was cute. it was totally unneccessary cuz i didn't think he was blowing me off at all. but nice of him to fone to reassure me. so then i called him back really quickly before i started back working and left him a strung out, caffeine-induced message saying something about how i got his message and how if he ever wanted to call after practice he could. etc. but then i said the message wrong and so i stopped and was like "umm i totally said that wrong." and then i proceeded to say it over but i'm still not sure it made sense. i was seriously in a frantic, crazy state at that point. it was funny. and then the line at starbucks was super long and didn't go away for like an hour and people had to wait like 20 min for their drinks cuz there were so many ppl. it was really really crazy. oh well. whatever! i'm home. safe and sound. a bit insane still from the coffee. that's the new story of my life i swear. me and my caffeine addiction. crazy shit man. i found 2 pins in my car which josh was throwing at me last night as we sorta raced our cars down the road. one is actually cute. the other is sorta broken. eh. whatever. can u tell i like josh? good fucking god. josh this, josh that. whatever. i'm fucked in the head. don't mind me. jason thinks he looks like a goat cuz of his scruffy facial hair and long hair. but whatever. he's cute in his own way. and he's really rad. so eh. fuck everyone else. kevin may be the poster boy of the band, but josh is the one i dig most. altho kevin is pretty rad too and if i had met him first i'm sure i would have liked him. eh whatever. call me a hypocrite. i don't care. i think i'm not even making any sense anymore. it's all stream of consciousness i swear!

hmm i don't want to type the whole nite out cuz its just too long. and it was all so last minute too! it started at like 7 something with me changing my clothes in the car. yes, i can successfully put my bra on without taking off my top. skills! yea, started at 7something and went til about 6am this morning. and then i got out of bed around 3pm. basically, josh and daniel's band were playing at this party in hawthorne. last minute thing. the night before, josh was stuck up in san luis obisbo bailing out his 16 yr old (who looks way older) friend elijah. so everyone except the lead singer of the band, kevin, convenes at daniel's house to get into the van to go to the party around 8 something. i felt bad taking up mykee's seat! we go to the party. meet up with kevin. i finally met all the of band members. kevin is nice. cute in that more general sense. i still dig josh best. don't know anyone at the party except the band and daniel's roommate, jeremy. they eventually play around 9 or 10 something. they sound alright but the sound was shitty. pack up the stuff. i copped a squat and peed on the side of the house with kevin blocking me. good stuff. hopped in the van and the boys headed off to band practice. i decided to stay and watch cuz i had never seen their infamous late nite (midnight to about 4am) band practices with their producer charlie. so i went. it was a bit cool at first. then it just got to be one big blur. i was sorta tired. the only thing keeping me going was the idea that somehow i might be spending the nite with josh. but then i didn't quite know how cuz he had to take elijah home. but once the practice was over and everyone was heading out, i said goodbye to all but josh cuz his car was next to mine. elijah was asleep in the car already. those boys hadn't gotten much sleep the night before cuz of the SLO incident. anyway, so josh was like, "so what are u gonna do now? go home and pass out?" and i was like, "yeah something like that. i'm really tired." and i was like, "what are you gonna do? take home elijah first huh? that sucks." and we both look in the car at elijah sleeping and he said something like, "i could just let him sleep in the car." cuz by that point i think we both new what we were getting at. so i was just like "well u can come back to my place if u dont mind leaving elijah like this." and he knew that elijah owed him bigtime for driving so fucking far to bail his ass out. so off to my place we went. elijah slept upstairs on the couch. i bet my roommates are wondering what the deal with that was. i'll explain to them later. josh of course slept with me. but i was soooooo tired at this point (it was like 5:30am) that i couldn't even make out. seriously. it was sad. but i was totally totally fucking tired. so we basically just fell asleep. of course it's always so hard to sleep with someone tangled in you. oh well. i woke up around 8am. then woke up multiple times. one time being when elijah (without knocking!!) came into the room around noon. i felt bad for him cuz i knew that josh and i were not getting up anytime soon. yet elijah was prolly bored and feeling weird up there. so it was an awkward morning. he came in the room several times while me and josh were like sorta sleeping. and he took some of my dvds to watch the special features of them. eventually around 3pm josh and i decided we should prolly wake up. so we did. elijah was there. it was weird. i couldn't exactly get dressed with him in the room. whatever. then they left. and it was just strange. but oddly enough, it was quite fun. i enjoyed hanging out with all of the boys altho it was weird at first. they are all fun guys and i have decided that i think josh is really rad. *sigh* too bad i was so tired last nite. oh well. oh and josh said he told daniel that i wouldn't make out with him now that i've made out with josh. how funny. i think daniel still thinks he'll get me to make out with him somehow. whatever. haha and i realize that in the band world, i think if i could just find a boy that wanted to date, this could work. cuz at least 4 of the guys in that room last nite think i'm hot. it's just that no one wants to date. so i'll continue my search and meanwhile fuck around with josh. dear god. what have i become?? oh and another funny thing. while me and josh were getting ready for bed, i noticed that while he was sitting on my bed, aberdeen was already in the swing! he put him there for me. that was so cute. he knows already! and he even offered to shave for me again. altho i told him that him without the scruff looks weird. he said he was gonna get one of those clipper things where u can just shave like to a certain level. thats a good idea for him. that way he can maintain the scruff without fully shaving. elijah had brought it up in the van last nite and josh was being ambiguous yet not, about having an ultimatum and such. it was funny. i think half the van understood and the other half didn't. man, so many little anecdotes from last nite. i shant type anymore. it's getting too long! but my room smells like josh now. or maybe his smell is in my nose. i'm not sure. haha

i'm a major sucker for nice looking design magazines. and there are a lot out there. and they aren't cheap either! it sucks. i think i might ask for a subscription to at least one of them for xmas. we shall see. anyway, so daniel just told me that his band is playing a party tomorrow. interesting. i want to see them play. they just found out tonight and he doesn't even know the address yet! i wonder if josh got my phone message earlier. i didn't want to call him at work so i left a message at home. but there are two josh's that live there according to the answering machine which also said to make sure and clarify which one you want the message to go to. so i started off by saying, "hey. this message is for josh surname. the really skinny bastard with the long, scraggly hair! this is jen...etc." anyway, so i guess i can't do anything with him tomorrow night like we thought we might be able to just cuz his band is playing. but hey, that's rad too. so whatever. i want to see them play but i fear it might be weird. going to some random party. eh. whatever. we'll see. daniel said i might be able to ride with one of them or something. whatever. i'll figure it out. on another note, i found out i got a B+ in business law class. not too bad. doesn't help my GPA but whatever. i don't give a shit about that anyway.

aww. emily is gone. i took her to the airport earlier today. the first of the bunch to go. sad. the rest will follow in suit shortly and i shall be one of the last, if not THE last, to leave. oh well. on a totally different note, i'm changing my aim name for sure. my current AIM name had it's time and place. and now i want it to go. i used to be jenyfur420 for a really long time. and that finally had to go when i made the one i have now, about 4+ years ago. now it's time to move on. my screename has become quite polluted not much unlike my usc email account. i want my new name to reflect my love of photos i have decided. i'd go with some sort of music thing but then it's what sort of music? rock, alt, emo, indie? i can't just choose one. i suppose emo is a part of indie but i still don't just listen to indie music. so that's not really fair. and shit like rockerchick or anything close to that seems too vague and is most likely taken. graphic and/or web design could be an option for me but then again, i haven't quite gotten into that phase of my life fully. perhaps once i finish my graphics design degree i'll be ready for a new aim name by then. what other things do i like? teddybears. but what sort of name works with that? i like squares but i can't think of anything neat with that. i like whiteborders on things but that's getting way too picky. i really really love photos tho. taking them and looking at them. so i think it works. now, i have tried to register some aim name but a lot of spellings were taken. here are 3 that aren't taken:

1. fotofreeek
2. photophreeek
3. fotophreeek

adding on "chick" or "girlie" just makes the name too long. what do u guys think? and which spelling do u like best? i like them all for dif reasons. 1 & 2 have the whole symmetry thing going on. f & f, ph & ph. but #3 mixes it up. and more so, it spells the photo with an F and the freak with a PH. i decided to spell "freak" weird as opposed to "photo" cuz things that are freaky are weird anyway. does this make sense? anyway, i need help deciding what to do. what name to pick. i think i have a slight personal fave, but i don't want to bias people. and perhaps someone can think of entirely different and good names for me. but it has to be something that will make sense for awhile. i will always love photos and i am sort of freakish about it. and i'm weird anyway. haha anything with caffeine or coffee is timely in my opinion cuz i won't work at starbucks forever!

UGH!! i HATE when i have bad dreams or frustrating ones. i just woke up feeling intensely frustrated just cuz of my damned dream. my bedsheets are a total mess as a result and everything. i dreamt that i couldn't get ahold of josh. but it wasn't just that. i had written down the # wrong or i was pressing it wrong on the fone or something. half my fones wouldn't work. they wouldn't turn on. i was guessing at #s and getting them wrong. one woman was chinese and didn't speak english! another was some man saying, "i know a josh. he owes me money. can u tell him to pay up!" oh good god that was just a horrible dream. i'm all worked up now. sheesh. maybe it's all cuz it's FRIDAY the 13th!!! =O HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAN!!! =)

a few things. 1) i recently noticed that my cd collection is becoming rather unruly. i am running out of space. and this is AFTER i sold a bunch of cds earlier this year. i think i might have to do that soon again. be on the lookout for the list of unwanted cds. 2) i am SUCH a sucker for coffee table type books. books with lots of photos that costs a lot basically. if i could, i would own so many of them. the problem is that usually they cost between $30 and $60. no good! i already own a few anyway. 3) i finished preston's mixed cd. i decided to go for a double disc set. the first disc is regular songs of various types. stuff he probably hasn't heard. at least i hope. the second disc is all dance type music. chemical bros. modjo. underworld. etc. that sort of stuff. i hope he likes them! i wonder what he's putting on my cd. =O

i have yet to meet that moving josh kid. eh. whatever. we were supposed to do something last nite but then he couldn't figure out what he wanted to do and in the process of me waiting for him to respond on AIM i fell asleep! cuz i was so tired. oh well. i needed the sleep. today i went and did a shitload of random errands. then went shopping on 3rd street (not the promenade) with ky. there are some damned cute shops on that street! we didn't even finish because it got too late and shit started to close. got some really cute stuff for xmas gifts and stuff for myself. good times. got a kinder surprise!! i love those things. they are all over europe but never to be found here in the US. this one was an italian import. the trinket is cute. it's a turtle with some paint under its shell. i just drank some coffee and ate some chocolate. i had a real craving. i was at dan's and got the craving. his birthday is tomorrow so i drove down to westminster around 7:30pm and got vietnamese sandwiches for him and myself. also got some stuff for ky and emily. brought it back to his place and gave him his bday gift too. he seemed half delirious from lack of sleep. it seems like everyone is like that around me. poor things. i have no final til next week tho so whatever. make the best of it. my car smells of vietnamese sandwiches. it's sorta nasty. haha oh well. this vw radio is really good. 4 channels. good shit. i recommend to those who want to discover new music or rediscover good shit. i think i'll work on preston's mixed cd now. i want to give him good stuff that he prolly doesn't hear over in the UK. cuz he said he was gonna do that. so i can't pick things he already owns or might hear. so no radiohead or travis or stuff like that. even if i like it. hot damn this vw radio is good!!!

the lack of sleep recently has taken it's toll i think. i'm SOOOOO fucking tired. i think i'm about crash for real. i fell asleep a little earlier on and then woke up not long ago. but i think i'm gonna just totally crash tonight. got a lot of shit to do tomorrow.ugh.

alright. i feel a million times better. first of all, my british friend preston is going to send me a mixed cd and vice versa. i'm so excited about that. we haven't spoken in eons! he moved and such. second of all, i finally talked to josh. via aim and phone. his computer died so he's using his roommate's laptop to check email. so we had a very good chat about stuff and then boom, cut out. his internet connection stopped. so he called my cell fone but for some reason it didn't ring! so then i got the message a few minutes later and called him back. and now he's off to bed. anyway, i feel much better. only because my issues arose from the idea that he was ignoring me. i think i can handle hooking up as long as i know we will still be friends. cuz i always get the idea that once u hook up it's all fucked and over. eh whatever. i'll sleep on this shit. if i can sleep. i'm so fucking awake. oh well.

back from the jaunt. not quite a full 2 hours. it was hard considering mel's is all bright and shit. a bit hard to stay there in such harsh lighting. oh well. didn't get a lot of writing done either. i don't think i'll be returning to mel's on these late nite deals. this other boy josh called me back. ok, let's make this shit REALLY complicated. ok so i first met daniel and then met josh through him. cuz they are in the same band. so he will be known as josh for now. now, awhile back, i also began chatting with another guy named josh who is from boston. well, he just moved out to LA a couple weeks ago and is finally settled into an apt. he's still looking for a job. anyway, so i was supposed to do something with him tonight but he didn't get the message til past midnight. so he called me while i was at mel's. oh yes, to distinguish, i shall call him "moving josh." so there's josh and moving josh. if the other josh falls of the face of this planet then i'll switch that around somehow. anyway, so moving josh called me back and we shall now do something tomorrow night. who knows what. i wonder if he's even cool. our talks online were always brief cuz he was always like in and out. he was in ohio recording his band's music shit or whatever. anyway yeah. whatever. i'm currently feeling blah cuz i haven't heard back from josh. i haven't seen him online either. who the fuck knows. eh. men blow. what else is new? haha at least josh helped me get over dan. cuz when i had lunch with him today i was like totally totally fine. and it felt so good. =)

out for the midnight jaunt again. didn't quite get to do it on the weekend as i had wished. this week's place of choice -- mel's diner. it was close btwn mel's and swingers but i didn't feel like being a part of the who's who scene tonight. mel's shouldn't be too crazy considering it's only tuesday night. i'll be there writing xmas cards and drinking a milkshake and coffee. prolly eat some fries too. i'll try to be back by 2am like i did before. traffic permitting of course.

damnit. i'm wide awake! i fucking fell asleep at like 6pm and now i'm awake. fuck! i think i'll go to either swingers or mel's diner tonight and read and write and stuff. think about shit. i dunno. my sleeping schedule is totally fucked up. i went with jason today to get his tattoo. it looks good. makes me want to get my barcode even more. altho i must be weary of the lines bleeding together eventually. that would suck. so yeah. i still want it tho. and now i sorta want some stars on my ankle. ack! tattoos are addictive!!!

fuck me. so i couldn't sleep and then had to wake up at 7am to go the bookstore sale with kyla. of course i slept through my alarm and she had to wake me up. we got our asses out the door and got there by 7:30am. i brought my books to sell back but i couldn't sell them back til 8am. so i thought i'd just check them in at the bookstore while i looked around. NO! fuckin eh. i was so angry. they wouldn't let me check them in. normally they MAKE you. good fucking god. so i carried the fucking bags of books around while i shopped in the crowds which was really hard. i was so fucking angry. i got a sweater and that was it. the line was super long. then i sold my books. tried to get my 311 midterm but no one was in the office. came home and went back to sleep only to sleep through my next alarm at 11:30am to meet dan. so at noon dan rings the doorbell and i wake up realizing my blunder. oops! so he left me take a shower while he watched tv. then jason came for a bit. then me and dan got lunch. man i'm really full. discussed working on his dad's company website. and now here i am. still tired and contemplating a nap. i just totally didn't get enough sleep last nite. i wrote this really strange email to josh. well, it wasn't strange. it was just written in vague, metaphorical terms. i actually quite like it in rereading it. perhaps it's a bit too weird though for someone other than myself who might not really understand what i am saying. eh. whatever. if it's too weird and i sever ties with him, then most likely it severs with them all and life moves on. eh. that would be sad but c'est la vie. n'est-ce pas?

i think i need to write and record more thoughts at odd hours of the morning on several shots of espresso.

i LOVE working at starbucks. well, at least when it's mario, william, me and kyla. oh it's so fun! =) i took photos tonight. good times. they are in with the astra west photos. mario and william are so great. william is hilarious and mario is really sweet. aww. i love it there. i'll miss them a lot when i leave LA. =( poop. i am not tired. as usual. but my appetite is finally back! yay! and me and ky are waking up at 7am to go to the USC bookstore sale. yeah, we're crazy. we'll die. oh well. it'll be good times. =)

is it wrong of me to have such thoughts? =/

so i finally went to astra west. the restaurant that's only open for lunch monday thru friday. me, ky, and jason went. WHAT a disappointment!! see i got confused. because on LA citysearch they show a photo of the place. but that's a photo of "the lounge" which is for renting out for social occasions. the actual restaurant is this other part. and that part isn't nearly as rad looking. no reds, purples, and blacks. just browns. sad. the food was so so. i was there for the ambiance. but it just wasn't there! poop. but me, ky, and jason had fun. and we took lots of photos to document the disappointment. (they are in the photos section of my page.) the bathroom there was really rad tho i must say. after that, me and jason tried to get his tattoo on melrose but of course the place is closed on monday's!! sheesh. so we shall return tomorrow perhaps. then i went to santa monica and got some gifts. got the roommate's gifts. it's a theme which i shant disclose. i have to smuggle them in somehow and wrap them without people knowing. eesh! i also got my puma cuff watch that i wanted for xmas. i had to get it for my parents cuz i can't find it online anywhere or anything. the only place i've seen it is urban outfitters. it's not even on their website OR the puma site. so i was scared they might not have it up in san fran. and this was the last one in black too! so my parents said to get it and they'll pay me back! yeah crazy xmas. this is what happens when u get older. oh well. anyway, work tonight. i might try to make even more drama in my life and call this *other* josh character who just moved out to LA. i have been chatting with him online. he's also in a fucking band. maybe i'll call him and do something with him. make even more of a mess of my life. haha why the hell not? drama means life isn't boring. that's for sure.

so i was thinking over this whole josh/daniel thing and i talked with ky about it a bit. i think i realize what's going on in my mind finally. basically i think i initially forced myself into liking daniel. he was cool and because i had nothing else going on, i sort of made myself like him. this is not to say that i don't think daniel is rad, it's just that in reality, i don't think we match up right. and it doesn't really matter anyway since he doesn't want a gf, or to even date. nevertheless, i carried on thinking i liked him in some fashion and continued (and still continue) to chat with him. then one nite (i even mentioned it in my blog) josh was on his aim name instead of daniel. and we chatted a bit. he gave me his sn in case i wanted to talk to him again. so i stuck it on my list and whenever he came on we'd chat a bit. totally harmless. i still "liked" daniel at this point. a couple weeks go by and one nite josh says something about daniel having "claimed" me and me saying that it wasn't true. cuz i had been telling josh how i thought daniel was cool and i would like to date him if it was ever possible. josh mentions the claiming. i deny it. josh says something about keeping the option open of hitting on me whenever we meet. and this is where i think it all began. the seed in the back of my brain was planted. for josh that is. and then one faithful nite, josh tells me he is bored. and it's like 3am. so i said how i'd entertain him if not for the fact that it was so late and he lived so far. why would i say that (thinking in heinsight) if i didn't have some sort of "thought" in my head? and then he offered up the idea of meeting. that just manifested into what has occured recently. us meeting. seeing the attraction but nothing happening. us knowing this. meeting again. something happening. and of course, all along, me letting the feelings grow beyond a hookup. not too much though considering i fully realize the reality of the situation. but knowing it's me, knowing that i would do this to myself in some fashion. when is a hookup ever *just* a hookup for dear jen? never! even when i hooked up with tyson and actually became upset at him liking me. me then liking him not long after. sheesh!

so what am i saying? i'm saying that i do feel weird about all of this. i feel like some atypical band groupie. latching to one then jumping to another. realizing that i do think josh is really rad and wishing that there could be more there. and then also realizing that there is no way it could happen. him not wanting to hassle with dating anyone because he has no time for it and it would be unfair to the girl. our schedules not even matching 80% of the time! you could say i'm glutten for punishment and you would be right. look at the dan saga! so why did i even makeout with josh if i knew i would have some sort of feelings? partially cuz i was really antsy. partially with the hopes of there being more. partially cuz shit like this, albeit stressful, occupies my dull mind. do i regret? of course not. will i deal with this? yes. would i hook up with josh again? you betcha. cuz even if i harbor these feelings, i'm still antsy. haha so i mean whatever. deal. right? and have i talked to josh since he left here saturday afternoon? nope. i sent him an email but nothing more. and no the email does not proclaim my desire to be with him. will he reply? most likely at some point. i am, after all, working on their bandsite. and even that makes me feel more entangled in some weird band web. cuz first there was that issue and everyone liking my shit and mykee being pissed about it all cuz he wanted to do the site his way. now me hooking up with josh and daniel being, in some fashion, jealous about it. or so me and josh think. ugh. drama. when is there ever no drama in jen's life? haha i practically create it! c'est la vie. time to sleep. i still need to wash my sheets too. ugh. i fucking hate washing my sheets!

at first i wasn't having a good time at work cuz i had just seen that whole marketing/blog disaster and i was tired. but as the night went on it was great. me, ky, mario and william. and tomorrow we all close again! yay! so i'll bring my camera to take photos. yay! on another note, ever since the potluck i haven't been eating very much. like one meal a day. something seems wrong. how can i eat so little? i don't get it. usually i complain to myself about eating too much. now it's like the opposite. i just don't have an appetite. it's weird. very weird.

holy fucking shit!! forget this josh mess for a second. i decided to see who has been reading my blog. IP addresses that is. so i check out the stats. then i checked out the referrers and search engine queries and whatnot. ok so on saturday at 4:44pm, someone searched on google "mkt 405 ellis" and got to my blog that way. and then today at 12:09am, this << http://outlook.usc.edu/exchange/Jim.Ellis/Inbox/urgent:%20fyi.EML?Cmd=open >> was a referrer to my site. umm fuck! that's my fucking teacher's name nested in there. umm fuck. does this mean he read my entry about the apple award and how i didn't think it was appropriate and whatnot? fuck fuck fuck. watch me get a fucking C in this class. just fucking watch! whatever. that would be totally jacked. TOTALLY jacked. maybe this blog is a bad idea. i mean i don't think it is, but still. i don't want a bad grade over this. and now i just wonder who the fuck reads this. i bet josh and daniel are reading it and know the nuiances of my mind. eh. whatever. fuck it all. if i can't say what i want then what's the point really? right? fuck it. i'll blog on!

fuck i'm tired. i can't wait to sleep like a mofo tonight. cap'm andy's party was rad. they live on the beach. it was really cold but it was fun to actually walk on the beach from their apt. the music was awesome. too bad i was so tired i couldn't dance a wink. only at the end when "thrill me" by junior jack came on. i danced that one song with ky cuz we love it so much. then we left. it was me, ky, dom, and lo. now i'm here blogging and putting up photos from the potluck. good stuff. talked to daniel online briefly. he's home alone. and i feel really bad cuz i know i don't want to make out with him now. cuz of josh. and i bet he'll figure that out sooner or later and be sorta upset considering he flipped when he first even thought me and josh were gonna make out the other week. eesh. whatever. like i said before. he had plenty of chances. well, not plenty. but enough. and i thought that he had no desire to make out with me. now he does. sheesh. whatever. i can see what's gonna happen. NOTHING. absolutely nothing. i won't ever make out with josh again because he either won't want to or will feel bad about it cuz of daniel. i won't make out with daniel just cuz i don't want to anymore. i'll prolly create some sort of mess there with them which will suck slightly and then i'll have to do myself away with their friendship to make ammends. and also give up doing their website. and you know what, that will SUCK hardcore. =(

me and emily just went to pinks! we didn't reach the ultimate goal which was for us to be having sex around the same time period by the end of this year. that just didn't happen. we each did it with two boys during the course of this one year tho. and last nite we were in synch. so that's good enough i suppose. man. i'm a wreck from last nite. battlescars man. josh is hardcore. i knew he would be and it made me step it up a notch or two. it was strange. but exciting and different. and i got him to shave for me. right then and there. that was totally rad. total novelty of it. he looks better with at least some facial hair. makes him look older. he has a tongue ring and nipples rings. goodness! and he's really skinny which i love of course. like he says he's about 10 lbs underweight. wee! anyway whatever. this may never happen again. who knows. this morning/afternoon was weird. i think he was late for his tattoo appt cuz he didn't wanna get out of bed! sheesh. and the goodbye was awkward in my opinion. we hugged and he thanked me for letting him stay over and then he kissed me on the cheek and i just said "cya later. hope your tattoo goes well." cuz yeah. i umm sorta made that area of him bleed. but it's not the part he's getting done. just nearby. yeah, it was intense. and now i don't think i can make out with daniel cuz it would just be too weird for me. especially since him and josh will be living together with some of the other guys in the band. i would just feel weird. so yeah. no daniel. plus honestly, i think josh is much cooler. i prefer his mentality and personality. not that it really matters when you're hooking up. but still. whatever. bleh. off to cap'm andy's house party!

culmination. synchronicity! weee! umm yeah. i have a lot of mixed feelings about things right now. so i guess i won't tell the tale like i said i would. there are some interesting anecdotes though. i will say that. ask and i shall tell. back to sleep for me!

potluck was a success!! lots of ppl showed up with LOTS of food and alcohol. i didn't drink anything cuz i'm about to meet up with josh and that requires driving which means no drinking. but yeah, the potluck was really fun. lots of ppl from the past showed up. good times. rick's absence was felt which was sad. but he will return to a nice lovely poster signed by those who love him. and some who he doesn't know. oh well. we tried! hehe but yes, the potluck was good. the culmination of a LONG week! now i can just sit back and relax. yay! dan was here and i wanted to talk to him more. ellen too. but alas they were pulled away by others. sad. anyway, off to see josh now. i wonder how this will go. i guess i will tell the tale later. =)

DONE!!! i finished the law exam in like 30 min! then i futzed around on campus cuz i ran into a few skatebot boys. then i got my transcript to bring to the art institute in san fran. then i got my envelope to mail off my final to my cinema teacher. and on the way i saw brad at starbucks and prof. vaitsos at the UV which was good cuz i had to ask him a question. wee! done!!! POTLUCK in a few hours and then josh. yay! =)

wow. it's some strange phenomenon. i went to sleep around 5 something this morning. and i am quite awake right now. and it's not even 10am! i actually woke up about an hour ago too. but then i decided it was too early to continue studying. strange....my neck hurts a LOT which sucks ass. oh well. final will soon be over and then POTLUCK! and then....JOSH! yay! i emailed him at like 4am with this long, silly email about how i'm procrastinating and whatnot. what i plan to do today. etc. it was long and silly i thought. and he emailed me back at like 6am saying how much he loved my email and that we shall do something after he works tonight and after my potluck. so he won't be coming to the potluck but i will get to see him around midnight. wee! i must be mindful of this and not get drunk! =) anyway, since i'm awake i suppose i should study. i just can't believe i don't feel tired. what's going on? "where are we?" (sorry, inside business law joke.)

mario just sent me the cutest email! aww. my little quatemalen boy! =) i then decided to procrastinate on reading law further and read some old AIM chats. yes, yes, i save some of my AIM chats. i first read one i saved by josh just from like 2 wks ago or whatever. it was somewhat amusing. but then i went in for the kill. i reread various chats with dan. oh man. some are so strange. cuz our relationship from friends to more has mutated so many times. and one chat it appears as though we are both totally plastered. it's really hard to read cuz most of the lines make no sense. the words are all jumbled. it's quite amusing. anyway, i can't sleep cuz i took that fucking nap! but alas the nap was good. i can't wait for this final to be over and then it's in the past and whatever happens, happens. PUTLUCK! woo!!

i just dyed my hair, total ghetto style. i ran out of gloves to use so i had to improvise and use plastic bags around my hands! totally ghetto but it worked. wee! now my hair is back to it's "natural" black state. i prefer it this way. the red just wasn't cutting it for me. perhaps as dan said, it's a seasonal thing. who knows. time to continue studying for law. since i took that nap i bet i'll be up late now. dear me.

woo! i had a really refreshing nap. i think my slight illness really is due to stress and caffeine and staying up late. but soon, no more of that. come this time tomorrow i shall be having fun with everyone at the potluck. yay! too bad i have this damned final looming over my head!! daniel is home alone with nothing to do. if i didn't have my final we could be doing something now. poop! anyway, soon enough my time will come. no more shit to do. wee! everyone will be busy bees next week and i'll be kicking back relaxing. good stuff. =)

the hell is almost over. i took my marketing final today and it was whatever. totally what i expected which meant that there was no way to study. so that was fine. 311 was a review for the final. not too long. decent. now i have to meet with pablo for an hour to go over law shit for the final tomorrow. ugh. then come back home and rest a bit. cuz i'm feeling sorta sick. i think it's just my body being worn down from staying up late and drinking coffee. but once tomorrow is over i can rest. yay! i'll be redying my hair black tonight. study some more for law. sleep. take the final tomorrow. come home and shower. then cook my tofu for the potluck. wee! i can't wait!!! the hell is almost over....

oh boy. another kooky nite! no caffeine but just lots of good laughs and swooning of skinny boys. i can't recall how i got on the topic, but ky came into my room and then i was talking about josh and how skinny he is and how i love it. and then i was talking about how i love it in general. and how "gapboy" and brandon boyd are hot and skinny. so here is my skinny boy "collage" if u will. josh, brandon boyd, and gapboy. i was gonna put the lead singer of piebald but i couldn't find a decent shot where u could tell how skinny he is.

yeah i definitely am procrastinating at this point. anything to avoid reading business law. ANYTHING!!! i have my marketing final in about 10.5 hours. i'm not worried cuz u can't study for that shit. there is nothing to study. i have no notes. nothing. whatever. brian is gonna ask one of the girls if he can get a copy of that speech they read to our prof just so we can read it and mock it. go brian! now that's my "silent hero." haha

wee! i went to my cinema class and i just finished my final. it was take home. we had to convince our teacher in one page to meet with us for a job interview and attach our resume. it has to be creative and different. and so i didnt even write a real letter. what i did was the following: i took the photo of myself in the sweatband and i placed it inside a scanned image of a polaroid. so it's like my image was a polaroid. i wrote on the bottom of the polaroid, "a snapshot of my life." then i chopped up the image into 20 squares and numbered them. i them rearranged them and printed it out on sticky paper. i cut along the lines so that u can pull up each square to paste onto another paper and arrange them to form the original image. i then typed up a short note and reversed it and printed it on the backside of the sticky paper. this way when u remove all the 20 squares and place them on the grid on a separate sheet of paper that i provided, u can then read my short note. because it shows through the sticky paper. that's why i had to print it backwards and on the back. i think it's a neat idea. u have a jumbled image that u have to put together to then find the note. and the note just says something about the image of me with the sweatband and how i'm a creative person and even more creative with my websites. so yeah. i just finished that whole thing. took about 2 hours. so now i just have my marketing final tomorrow and my law one friday. then i can finally move on with my life and have fun at the potluck. then worry about 311 in over a week. yay! maybe i can finally get on the same schedule to see josh and makeout. woo! haha whatever.

make it end. make it end!! fast forward to the potluck, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease. =)

alright. so i'm doing anything to avoid studying. of course! haha i've been thinking about post-college email accounts. so first question. yahoo or hotmail? if i go with hotmail, i could get my messages in my outlook express box. but that means i only get 2MB of storage as opposed to 4MB with yahoo. what should i do?? then secondly, what should my account name be? i thought about the following few:

jenmurse
emorockgirlie
photofreakgirlie
photofreakchick
lipglossfantasy

i thought i could sort of unify everything into one name. email, AIM, and website. but that won't really work. jenmurse as a user name for such things is rather bland. i really don't want that. i could have that account in case i need to be serious, but why be serious? tshirtgirlie is an old classic. not as old as jenyfur420, but that was phased out when i realized that i don't want numbers in my name especially when half the world thinks it means i'm a pothead. emorockgirlie is cool for now, but i don't JUST like emo music. it'd have to be something more general music related. but i can't think of anything. i came up with photofreakgirlie or photofreakchick just now cuz i think i'll always be a photo freak. my dream job in this world would be to travel around the world as a freelance photographer taking lots and lots of photos. so i thought that name would be apt. and then lipglossfantasy i thought could unify everything but that is already taken as a yahoo account and as an AIM name. so it wont work. plus i don't like that as a user name. it works better as a domain. domains should be abstract. user names i'm not so sure. at least for myself. so i'm in a quandry at the moment. keep the lipglossfantasy domain for sure. cuz that can be whatever. it could be a blog, a portfolio, anything. but i want to unify my email and AIM. altho everyone has more than one AIM name. that's for sure. what do u guys think? which name for what? or any other name suggestions?? cuz also, i want to change my AIM name i think. i'm tired of it.

i just want friday to come. all this waiting and dragging out the week sucks. i skipped out on vagrant today and still haven't really done anything productive. i just want to get all these days over with. let the time pass. cram all my business law stuff into my head and take the damned exam. just hurry up!! ugh. then we can have our potluck and that will be fun. that's what i'm waiting for. we expect a lot of people to be there so i'm excited. LOTS of photos to take! wee!

once more, i have a shitload of energy!!! me and ky went to buckies to get some coffee and i got 3 shots of espresso and within like 20 minutes i was totally buzzed. still am! just took a shower!! we were dancing in the halls to random rap songs and of course, zorba the greek. a personal fave. i have so much fucking reading to do that i won't be going to vagrant tomorrow. eh. whatever. i don't care. oh man i'm fucking buzzed!

POO!! the fortune cookies didn't work. =( we tried like 3 times. no luck. we give up. we'll make some sort of asian food. we just don't know what. perhaps a tofu dish.

i don't appreciate when others speak on my behalf and say things that i don't agree with. this happened today in my MKT 405 class. my professor, mr. ellis, said before how he's never gotten the golden apple award which is given to the favorite/best professor in the business school as voted by the students. and so then 2 girls in my class decided to go out and buy this apple thing and then present it to him in class today on the entire class' behalf. ok so that's not too horrible. my prof is cool. granted i think i have had way better professors and he would not be my first choice for such an award since i don't think i've learned jack shit, but whatever. i can handle them giving him a silly apple on my behalf. what i can't handle, however, is them reading off a one page speech that basically says how fucking great mr. ellis is. how he's our "silent hero" and all this mumbo jumbo bullshit that i just don't agree with. and furthermore, it was totally awkward and embarassing i thought. i cringed the entire time she read it and just wanted to leave. i didn't appreciate it in the slightest. it now looks like it came from all of us and that that was how we all feel about mr. ellis. but that's not true! fuckin eh. whatever. my repulsion and tiredness then lead me to skip my 311 class where i figure i'm basically screwed anyway cuz i think i got 2 wrong on the hw last nite so now it's like, fuck it. whatever. i don't care about going to lecture. i'd rather sleep. and sleep i shall!

woohoo! my 120mm film for my diana camera came. yay! i can't wait to take lots of really rad photos. wee!

so i told josh not to call if his practice went past 3am cuz i would prolly be sleeping. but here i am. 6am and i'm still up! cuz i talked to rick for like 4 hours or something insane. we had a good long chat. like our usual late nite ones go. =) quite enjoyable. i of course have to wake up for class tomorrow but whatever. i almost feel like i could stay up til class. prolly wouldn't be a good idea, but will going to sleep and having to wake up be a good idea either? i will find out!

oh man. tonight at starbucks was sooo fun. it was busy when i first got there but it was great. all girls and mario. mario is so cute. he said i was his little mexican girl cuz he thought i was mexican when he first met me. i was like, whatever! i'm older than him. i'm not a "little" anything. if anything, he's my little guatemalan boy. =) anyway, it was crazy with all us girls at first. it was like chaos and it was so fun. and then at one point this older man named andy came in. and he was on his cell fone the whole time he ordered and everything and he totally didn't know what the hell he wanted. completely coffee and starbucks illiterate. and then he goes, "do you have any long bread sticks?" and what he meant was biscotti. me and kyla started cracking up. omg it was so hilarious. and then he's like, "are you laughing at me?" but he wasn't mad at all. just sorta laughing with us at his coffee illiteracy. oh man it was priceless. i am so awake right now because of all the chaos. good times. i hope josh's band practice doesn't go too late cuz then we'll go get a bite to eat or whatever. i'm totally awake for it. so i hope he calls. otherwise it's a waste of energy! anyway, other than that, i'm bummed that i fucked up my 311 hw. i think i got 2 wrong. poop. oh well. i don't give a shit really. it's my parents who do. i could careless about that worthless class!

woohoo! i finished my portion of my marketing writeup and i did my 311 hw. i just have to double check it with a million people since i prolly did the shit wrong. fuckin eh. whatever. so now all i have left is my law final to study for over the next several days. cuz my other finals i can't study for. i can't really worry about them either so what's the point in stressing? i work tonight at starbucks but josh wanted me to call him in case i want to go out for a midnight snack type deal when i get off work and he finishes band practice. and no this is NOT a booty call. i already told him that i have class tomorrow and whatnot. he said that he just wants to offer up doing something since we didn't this weekend like we were supposed to. i love how he's such the nite person. i mean not lots of things are open but i am a total night person too so i'm usually quite game for doing shit really late. perhaps not tonight cuz i have class, but we'll see.

u know what? i think i got a bit insane this weekend. antsy if u will, over this whole josh thing. cuz i was thinking about it and if we never hook up, it's really not that big of a deal. i'd like to, but it's ok if we don't. cuz i realized that i just think he's a cool person. he seems intelligent with his act together. granted his goal in life at the moment is to be a rock star, but hell, at least he has a goal. lots of people i know still don't know what the fuck they want to do with themselves. and josh is really easy to talk to. i dunno. i guess i'm just saying that i think he's really cool and i'd rather not stress over trying to make out with him. i'd prefer to be his friend more than anything at this point. but hey, if he wants to make out (and i think he does haha), i'm totally game! and even if no one else thinks he's hot, that's ok. i think he's attractive in his own special way. especially if he cleaned up his looks. i think he would be hot then. =) and he's dated some really attractive girls (i've seen), so i think it's a compliment that he thinks i'm attractive. haha maybe it wouldn't be so weird if he came to our potluck after all.

man. i'm tired. work really tired me out. not sure why. guitar boy jeremy came in. that was fucking weird! we chatted briefly. it was awkward. then mario asked about him and i only half explained the story cuz i ran out of time. oh well. i drove to work so i couldn't talk with mario in the car like i usually do. but he walked me to my car and gave me a hug goodbye. that was weird! hehe oh well. whatever. mario is nice. i like him.

wah wah wah. time for jen to bitch and moan about something other than boys. is that possible? of course. i bitch about everything. haha anyway i have a lot of shit to do this week. my 311 hw is due tomorrow night at 11pm and everyone seems to have different answers. fuck me. i want an A in this class only cuz it's so possible. but if it means busting my ass on this last damned hw assignment, fuck that shit. my marketing project writeup is due tuesday and me and brian split it up. not too hard. just basically translating the presentation into a written paper. not too bad. wednesday i think my cinema teacher is gonna give us our final. it's one of those things u can't study for and u just take it. so that shouldn't be too bad. i hope. thursday is my marketing final. again, can't really study for it cuz i think it's a case study that we have to write about. i'll just bring my book and notes and go from there. prolly get a B+ on it like i did with my last midterm in that class. it's all based on who writes the best and MOST bullshit. whatever. final is the real kicker though. the rest of that stuff isn't really a problem. prolly cuz i don't really care. but friday my html project is due which i don't care about cuz i'm auditing that class. and since i decided to do daniel and josh's bandsite, it's totally not gonna be done by then since i have yet to speak to them about some stuff. so whatever. the thing i dread the most is my law final. that will be the worst thing out of the lot. cuz i have like 9 chapters to read still and pages upon pages of notes to review. and i'd like to do reasonably well in the class since it was a good class. i want nothing less than a B+. i hope it can be done. then after that, i will come home. relax for a bit, then prepare with my roommates for the grand potluck we have scheduled. me and emily are gonna try to make fortune cookies and hopefully it will work. we plan to try on prolly tuesday in case it doesn't work and we have to scrap the idea. i told josh about this potluck and the fortune cookies and before i could even passively ask if he wanted to come he was like "what time is it at?" after i told him he was like "well i have to work and then go to brand practice at midnight but i'll try to get off work." HA! that would be so fucking weird if he came. i'm almost positive he won't and i hope he doesn't actually cuz that would just be strange. plus what about daniel? altho i think i told daniel about it awhile back inadvertantly and he didn't seem to care. so yeah. whatever. the week of hell begins. it's not really THAT hellish, it's just time consuming. after friday i have a whole week off while everyone else worries about their finals. then come the 18th i have my one last final for 311 which i won't sweat too much as long as i do all the practice finals head of time.

umm yeah. i forgot about all the fone messages we left as well! eesh. it all comes back to me. i called tyler and dan and left cracked out messages. everyone chimed in on them. i don't really know what we said but it must have been funny. i also called daniel and jason and they answered their fones. so that means they actually heard us saying the stupid shit to them. good god! anyway, i shall post the photos from the night later when the server is working properly.

last night me, jessica, rick, and his two friends pat and neil all played a lovely drinking game. we all got totally wasted. well at least it seemed that way. maybe neil wasn't, but the rest of us were. especially me. i made my drink really strong. like 3 shots of vanilla vodka. so by the end of the first game i was out. not passed out, but not with it enough to play again. i mean, i could have played, but then i prolly would have puked. no good! anyway, so it was a good night. i passed up IHOP with brian, justin and his jenn to drink my boy woes away. i really did want to go with brian to IHOP but once i heard they were playing a drinking game, i figured that would be a nice way to forget about the josh mess i made. but then i found him online at some point and typed silly drunken messages to him as well as daniel. i think it was quite amusing. i was also talking to brian as well. i don't this lasted longer than like 5 min. but i'm not sure. anyway, the josh thing is ok i think. it was miscommunication. he was working and he was like "didn't you know i was working?" etc etc. so all is not lost on this boy. haha i have so much shit to do this week tho its crazy. lots of finals. poor me. =( haha after that tho its smooth sailing til my last final on the 18th. wee! i met emily's boy adam last nite. seems nice. REALLY fucking shy. omg it was crazy. but other than that he seems nice. not too bad looking. older looking but not too bad. wouldn't be my type but i can appreciate what emily sees in him. his lisp or whatever u want to call it, is a tad annoying at first but it's something that u can overlook really quickly as u get used to it. anyway, i shall meet with brian now for group project writeup. ugh!

ugh. i totally lost my chance with josh. =( i fucked it up and i bet i won't talk to him for a long time and then it'll be way too late. fuck fuck fuck!