yeah. this beck cd is really doing me in. but that's what makes it so good. any cd that can actually move me and bring me to tears is a fucking awesome cd. period.

well i got my modem to work finally. so that's a happy thought. but now i still feel all depressed. listening to beck isn't helping this situation. that song "lonesome tears" that i posted earlier is SUCH a good song. but it gets me really depressed. the instrumental build up at the end is soooooo awesome yet so moving. it brings me to tears sometimes. i think this album is going to have bad associations. sorta like how radiohead's "ok computer" moved me to tears for a period of time due to dan. this beck album, "sea change," is now forever associated with john. sadly. ugh. albums that have brought me to tears for one reason or another:

"ok computer" -- radiohead
"sea change" -- beck
"white ladder" -- david gray
"make yourself" -- incubus
"the places you have come to fear the most" -- dashboard confessional

fuck fuck fuck. there was a power surge here and now our dsl isn't working. my modem isn't working either so i have to use someone else's computer to dial up. i have all this shit i need to do online for the website for class and such. all these emails from them that i need to deal with but can't easily do from someone else's computer. i got my haircut today and it's "spunky" looking. i think i have fucked shit up with john. or maybe not. i have no idea. i emailed him all my thoughts. so that's that. i just feel like a mess right now. i hate calling dell cuz everytime i do it takes like 20 minutes to get through to someone. ugh. today is just really NOT a good day.

serves him right

lonesome tears
- beck

lonesome tears
i can't cry them anymore
i can't think of what they're for
oh they ruin me every time

but i'll try
and leave behind some days
these tears just can't erase
i don't need them anymore

how could this love ever-turning
never turn its eye on me?
how could this love ever-changing
never change the way i feel?

lazy sun
your eyes catch the light
with the promises that might
come true for a while

oh i'll ride
farther than i should
harder than i could
just to meet you there

how could this love ever-turning
never turn its eye on me?
how could this love ever-changing
never change the way the feel?

it hurts. it physically hurts. =(

isn't it annoying when you sit in silence for a bit with someone and everytime they ask you, "so what are you thinking about?"

omg. everyone NEEDS to get the new beck cd -- "sea change." it's soooo fucking good. it's all mellow and shit. peaceful. good to fall asleep to. it's a bit depressing but it's oh so good. =)

i'm slowly accumulating more of john's prized possessions. haha

yep. more frustration and confusion. =/

hmm...once again, john has confused me even more. well not exactly but he's just such an odd one. brian agrees. basically he called me RIGHT after everyone left his house for their creative meeting and we chatted for like 30 minutes about really random crap. he thanked me profusely for helping his this afternoon with his assignment. but the whole time i could tell he was really really tired and he kept saying "well i'm gonna go now" and then he wouldn't get off the fone. and i felt like maybe he wanted me to come over and then he actually said that. but i didn't really know how to take it and it's late already, so i didn't jump on that. i dunno. i think we have a lot of sexual tension btwn us actually. we often discuss sex actually and i know we're both attracted to each other. so yeah. i dunno. it's weird. again, take it in stride. go with the flow.

my outfit for our party is coming together quite nicely. i think i have everything now. woo! on another note, i skipped my econ class today which i felt bad about cuz i was up working so late on the class website. john skipped his class too which he had a quiz in! he was also up late working on stuff for the same class. damn our class! making us lose sleep. haha altho the creative team is doing a great job with the ad campaign i must say. i like their stuff that they presented today. when we left class, me and john walked together and he drove me home. then he came back after he went to his place to eat and change and we worked on this thing for his class. rick met him from far away and kyla met him up close. she concurs that he is indeed hot. =) i knew she'd thinks so! haha he realized that he got the bum end of the chair deal and mentioned this to me. but he still stands that i would benefit more from his nice chair. =) oh, and on the way home, i didn't stop but i totally saw some folks chatting that i would have loved to interrupt but thought it best not to. best for all involved. i shall find out more later.

i shouldn't be awake. but i am. why? well for one thing i fell asleep in this chair earlier tonight. yes, it has begun. the love affair with the fucking chair. nevermind john. this fucking chair rocks. i'll prolly be more sad to see this go than my friends come may. haha no. that's totally not true. but yea. it rocks. i have been working on the website for class for many hours now and my back hasn't hurt yet. and that for sure is due to the chair. cuz usually when i work on websites my shoulder blades begin to hurt. but not this time. altho my eyes are shot. i really hope people like the way the site looks. or else i'll just fucking kill someone. haha i went to starbucks earlier to chill and chat with the folks and get some hot chocolate. it was good times. i talked to a john a bit earlier. he was working on the teaser ad campaign for this class and i was working on the website. it was a little hard for us to chat and work at the same time so we got off after about 15 minutes. bleh. i don't think there is hope. oh well. maybe we can just hook up when we are drunk. that worked out well the other nite! haha i talked to josh about it a bit actually since me and josh totally have that shit down pat. the whole friends with benefits and it doesn't phase us. it's great. oh josh. i love that boy. he wants to buy my skateboard since i don't use it anymore and he wants to get back into skating. perhaps i'll just give it to him for his birthday. or let him borrow it for a really extended period of time. we shall see. god i should sleep. it's late and i have class at 10am. i'll probably end up skipping it at this rate. bad jen! i have to reread my case study but it's really short so it shouldn't take too long. but my eyes are totally shot from this damned screen. i should have moved hours ago. but i didn't. shame on me.

oh yeah. something cool. today at vagrant i didn't do a whole hell of a lot. but i picked up james (aka paco) from reggie and the full effect. it's funny cuz i'm so bad with bands. i am bad with band members names, the way they look, and where they are from. and i'm not just talking about vagrant bands, i'm talking about most bands i like. i mean i know some members of some bands, but a majority i don't. i guess it's cuz i don't really care what they look like or their names or anything. if i like the music, so be it. at any rate, bands are always coming in and out of vagrant. i remember one day last month there were like 4 bands in the office and i was so unsure of who was who. today the newly signed moneen (they are canadian) was in the office and i have no clue what they look like. hell, i don't even know what they sound like! but anyway, i had to pick up james from reggie. and so once again, i was clueless as to what he really looks like. cuz he's always dressed as paco in the photos since that's the whole stint. and so i went to panovision where they were shooting the video for "peanut butter and jelly" and i had to get him and take him back to vagrant so he could fly back home with matt pryor (from the get up kids -- which james is also in -- and the new amsterdams) for one day and then fly out to japan for a mini tour. so i got to the place and james was standing outside waiting and i could tell it had to be him cuz he looked sorta like a band person. that's the one thing. when band members come into vagrant i can usually tell they are in some band, i just don't know which one! so i got james and we chatted about really random crap in the car. i once had to get rob from koufax but i had laura with me so the two of us muddled through conversation with rob. it's not that these people aren't nice, it's that we have no clue what to talk to them about. praise their work? nah not really. so me and james chatted about live in LA vs. kansas city where he lives with his wife. talked about the video shoot which sounded weird. just random crap. yeah, so that was my "eventful" day at vagrant.

on another note having to deal with the recent visitor who is criticizing my blog for being only about me and not about anything else. i'd just like to state that yes, this blog basically is all about me. me and my selfish ways. bitching about what i want and can't have. celebrating the little triumphs. all things concerning me. me me me me me. do i give a shit whether u can't stand reading my self-centered entries? no. if u don't like it, why come back and read more? do i care if u criticize? no. i realize this is totally self-absorbed. hell, i've even poked fun at that very idea in some of my entries. the reason i have this blog is because this is my little space for me to talk about whatever i want. it's sort of a daily logging of my life and/or feelings. it's my written journal come to electronic form with some censoring. on rare occasion i will mention shit going on not pertaining to me. like when the brighton pier collapsed. but mostly it's just about me. and again, if you don't like it. tough fucking luck. stop reading.

no wonder i'm single! i just took the spark's pickup test and i am 24% pickup-able. sad. =( here's what it said:

you're cold and unapproachable, like a big glacier that's unapproachable. and cold. unlike the arctic tundra, few even venture to plant their flag in you. you're definitely not a scorpio, unless you were born between october 23 and november 21. the bad news is that you'll end up miserable and alone, probably knitting doilies out of cat hair. the good news is that this is apparently what you want. honestly, i don't even feel comfortable talking to you right now, so i'm just gonna go... yeah... wash my friend's hair.

so that totally makes sense. guys can't even pick me up anywhere. how do i expect to date? so then i decided to take the spark's date test and it said i was 72% dateable! wtf? that doesn't coincide with the pickup thing! here is what it said:

attractive and confident, witty and charming, a healthy ambrosia-based diet... you're wanted in the 48 contiguous states, you slayer. call me. seduce me. make me a man. not only do you know how to turn a guy's engines on, but you also know how to oil, lube and rotate it. you put the "elation" back into "relationship," and the "night" back into "one-night stand."

that is totally NOT me. good god no. maybe the pickup thing was a bit extreme. but so is this date thing. ok so then i decided to take the spark's sex test. it said that i will have sex with a total of 5 people in my life and that i am 34% sexy. sad. only 5! i better find my husband really fast! haha and the whole 34% sexy sorta works well with the whole pickup thing. cuz i think that people who are easy to pickup or pickup people easily are also sexy. and that's not me! anyway, i decided to also revisit the spark's infamous purity test. i am currently 60% pure. eesh. i think it just keeps going down. i wonder what it will be like next year. i can't recall what my purity level was the last time i took it, but i think it was probably in the 70's. oh well!

i then decided to switch gears and take tests from emode.com. first i took the who's your type? test. i got "the artiste." here is what it said:

creative. sensitive. a bit offbeat. your type is the artiste, a unique guy who knows how to express himself in many ways, whether it's through words, music, or attire. you're attracted to his unconventional ways and his remarkable talents. he doesn't feel compelled to abide by society's norms. he believes that individuality is the key to happiness, and everything he does is a reflection of his "inner self." you fall head-over-heels for such confidence and style. whether he's playing a song he wrote for just you or writing you a love letter, this guy knows how to make you feel special. he's in touch with his feminine side and doesn't need to assert his masculinity to feel manly. if we were to paint a picture of your future, the artiste would definitely be part of it!

that's pretty true. i like quirky boys who write poems, are in bands, and are creative in general. not the typical "guy" who is masculine. i always tend to like the more girly guys i suppose. so this makes sense! then i took the datespeak test. here are my results:

what you say
you get an "a" for effort! you always intend to speak the truth, but sometimes you can't help but twist your words a bit. as a general rule, you're straightforward and sincere. hats off for that much. honesty is a rare quality in the dating scene. there's a lot of tip-toeing around the heart of a subject. you've managed to find a way to communicate your message clearly -- most of the time. good work. whether this comes naturally for you or you've learned the hard way, you know that that misleading a guy can result in a messy situation. you know he can't read your mind, and you probably don't have the patience to wait for him to pick up on your cues. you avoid the typical game-playing that so often accompanies dating. by speaking the truth, you demand -- and most definitely receive -- lots of respect from the men you date. you realize that speaking in code doesn't get you very far, so you refrain from using it as much as possible.

what you believe
you pretty much take what he says at face value. you don't search for too many hidden meanings in his words. of course, there's a part of you that's aware that there could be underlying messages. but you'd rather give him the benefit of the doubt than dwell on disbelief. although this trust reflects a great amount of respect for the guy you're with, it's probably a good thing to maintain some cynicism. it's common for people to say things they don't necessarily mean, or throw in a white lie or two to avoid an awkward situation. until you know his intentions, it's smart to hold onto a healthy dose of skepticism. much to your credit, however, it seems as if your first inclination is to trust his words, which reflects your open, honest nature. good for you. although he won't always speak his mind, your straightforward ways will make him more inclined to follow your lead and communicate directly. you'll be well on your way to cracking the datespeak code!

so it's sorta right. i do try to be straightforward. i hate "the game" in dating and so i try to let it out there at some point. futz around a bit, but in the end, just spill the beans. as for trusting what a guy says. i like to believe that he's saying what he feels but i am definitely skeptical. so it's not totally right. cuz i definitely overanalyze EVERYTHING about guys. down to what they say and do. like this chair. what does it really mean? haha i don't think anything altho 3 people were like "so jen. u still don't think he likes you?" as if to say this chair means something. surely in a sense it's a bit strange. i would never swap chairs with someone i didn't like. especially if my chair was really nice. fuck that. haha but at the same time, i can hardly consider this chair a "promise ring" which is what one of my friends likened it to. haha ok i'm really tired now. these tests wear me out!

good god. why am i so infatuated? i haven't had a honest crush on a boy in such a long time. it's crazy. it's sorta fun cuz it's odd how someone can make you tingle. but at the same time it's frustrating. oh well. at least i am sitting in this chair comfortably typing this shit. my god. kyla sat in this chair was like, "oh man. you definitely got the better end of the deal. i want a chair like this!" seriously, i know i am going on about this chair so much, but like whenever i am sitting here typing this blog shit, i am so super comfortable. it's great. i even sent a photo of the chair to my parents and they agreed that it looked like a lovely chair. haha watch, the next time i talk to john he's like, "jen. umm yea. so about this chair swapping thing. can i have mine back? your chair sucks." then i will be sad for once u taste the forbidden fruit, u want nothing less. haha does that even fucking make sense? i don't think so jen. good god. get it together girl! haha

i just realized that it's odd for josh to be so shy. he's got such social anxiety yet he's in a band and he's so sexual. it's really weird. like when he was over here really briefly the other nite, i could tell he was really getting anxious when rick entered the room and was being his usually happy self. i felt awkward for josh's awkwardness. it was weird. but god is that boy sexy. =) i wish he wasn't so shy. then he would come to our parties. but no. he won't. neither will daniel. daniel's not shy but he doesn't like parties either. sheesh! kevin would come but i can't deal with him being here. for emily's sake. and for me having to babysit when i want to be going all around. also, i found out some really interesting shit about kevin the other nite. shit that doesn't need to be said but basically makes me look at him in a slightly different way. oh, and while i'm talking about our party. i got new shoes to go with my outfit. it's all coming together quite nicely. yes indeed. i'm excited. woo!

woo! i figured out exactly what i'm going to wear to our party. and how my hair will be. the whole nine yards. oh man am i excited! =)

some good ole sticky pic fun. man i haven't used this thing in ages. i gotta whip this shit out at our next party!

omg. i LOVE john's chair. i can't believe he switched with me. everyone said that he got the bum end of the deal. he totally did. but hey, it was his idea. god this chair rocks my socks. =) here's a photo of it:

hmm...i just found out some more weird shit tonight. too many people read this that i don't think i should go naming lots of names. but lets just say that two chicks that i sorta know are connected to john. and with one i can now make a full circle of hookups. me -- ____ -- ____ -- john and back to me to make it a circle. weird! this world is too fucking small. =) and on another note. our party is spreading like wildfire. i think it's gonna be way huge. i need to find a really cute outfit and cut my hair again.

last nite. what a fucking mess. good times and bad times all thrown into one. frustration. stress. discontent with myself.

BUT, nevermind all that. i am the proud temporary owner of one of those really nice cushy computer chairs that has the armrests and all. how? me and john switched desk chairs for the rest of the semester. it was his idea. what a sweet boy. =) off to pick up josh to see bowling for columbine at DKA tonight. then who knows what?!?

again i say. i can't read this fucking boy. the frustration starts up again! he called me back at like 7pm or something and i was taking a nap. he was going to the art center in pasadena to work on his logo stuff for class but he said he would call me when he was done and maybe we could go to that photo thing. altho i wasn't feeling the whole photo thing. but whatever. but now he just called me and said he's gonna stay out there and hang out with his best friend tyler who just broke up with his gf (john's ex gf -- yeah it's weird). he had told me about tyler breaking up with the girl last nite and how he might hang out with him tonight because tyler was upset and all. but see. this is the sort of back-and-forth-can't-read-john-crap i am talking about! ugh. whatever. he was like, "i'll call you tomorrow." but then we realized we have class together so whatever. i'll just see him in class and figure something out. i don't even know what the hell to do! boys! =P

blogger was down last nite when i wanted to post about this. so i shall post now. the plot thickens with john. just when i was like all frustrated and such, he calls me at like 11:30 at nite. he was bored and wanted me to come over and hang out. i wanted to, but at the same time there was a matter of principle here. and the element of the chase. i mean, maybe john doesn't like me and there is no chase here, but if he does then i can't just like always be willing to do shit. u know? like conceding everytime. this was my rationale for not going over there last nite. plus, i was just fucking lazy. i invited him over here and he was too lazy to come. and so we basically just chatted for like 30 min about random crap and kept saying that the other one could come over if they wanted to. neither of us budged and instead agreed to do something at a later date. perhaps today even. cuz john was like, "so am i gonna see you tomorrow?" and i said sure if he wanted to do something after i got off work. so i just called him now and his fone was off. i presume he's in class or something where the fone can't ring. perhaps we can go to that photo show at the bar that i mentioned earlier. i didn't mention it last nite but if we do something tonight and we can't think of what to do, we can either go to that thing, or just hang out. i'm down with either. at any rate, this definitely throws yet another curve in this situation. cuz like he could just be calling me up cuz he is bored and wanted to just hang out with someone. but why me? convenient? eh, who knows. this is the conundrum. so as brian was telling me to do earlier, i will let this thing run it's course. see what happens. go from there. the insane frustration has subsided momentarily. perhaps it will return shortly.

on a completely different note. emily has just informed me that weird tim is back in town. that boy is everywhere and nowhere all at once. i swear to god, 50 years from now i'm gonna see him walking down the street in some random place. he's such the vagrant. goes where the wind takes him since he certainly doesn't have enough money otherwise. shacks up in random homes of people he knows or gets to know. i bet he'll stop by here at some point or i'll run into him on campus since that seems to happen everytime he's in town. then he'll ask me what's new and tell me what he's been doing for the past year or so. the conversation will drag on to the point where i will say that i need to be getting home. then he'll walk me home and ramble on about his new religion or philosophy he's discovered. ie, whatever the last book he read. spew some of that shit and then hopefully let me go. trust me, this exact thing happened to me prolly a little over a year ago. or maybe he'll ask to crash here one nite and talk to me about the "suchness of my being" for 3 hours on end until i can no longer take it and retire to my room while he sets up camp on our couch. trust me, this exact thing happened less than one year ago. haha oh tim. you can never escape him!

yes i do need to take a chill pill about this whole situation. but i just realized that it's awfully close to the dominic situation in brighton. we have class together. he's friendly. we go out to bars/clubs. and in the end he doesn't like me! =( i bet that's how it will turn out. not to mention i just realized that perhaps john could like this other chick in class. she's attractive. they worked together before. i remember she called him once while i was at his house the other weekend. dear god. i blow so much shit out of proportion but really, i am a worrywort. i figure, if i didn't have so many rejections in my life, maybe i wouldn't worry so much. but fuck. i've liked so many boys who didn't like me back that i can't even begin to count. the self-esteem just gets knocked down each time. i can't relate to anyone in my house because they all are successful at this shit. and they can't relate to me either. i can't even turn to emily anymore cuz she's in her own world. and from the start she told me that this wouldn't work out btwn me and john. she's probably right about that, but for the wrong reasons. just cuz she always tells me that to ground me and not give me false hope. i want to just put an end to this and find out one way or another. but brian tells me i should just let it pan out and see what happens. continue to hang out and let it go naturally. but that frustrates me too much. i think it's cuz i don't see any point in really trying to gain a new friend here. sure john is cool. but i have a lot of cool friends already. and at this late stage, is it really necessary to gain another one?

i really have to do something about john. i'm becoming insanely frustrated at the site of him. maybe it's cuz he's so darn cute. i dunno. or how he teases me about being "emo." but i really gotta just fucking bite the bullet and do something. there is this photo show with the bronx playing a set at this bar in glendale tomorrow nite. i just got the email. i don't know how i got this email but i did. and i'm actually interested in going because 1) i love photography and 2) the bronx is the band that tweedy and joby from vagrant are in. so it would be cool. and i want to ask john to go but i just don't know. ugh. i mean that would be a step forward once more in me trying to show without saying that i like him. ugh. i dunno what the hell to do.

brian said i rock in his blog. woo! i got him the new reggie cd before it comes out. so yes indeed i do rock! how come other people don't seem to appreciate my rock-i-ness? other people meaning boys i like. haha cuz i know my friends like me. otherwise they wouldn't be my friends! but what about the boys i like? well...boy. i only like one right now. josh doesn't count. and i know he thinks i rock anyway. actually, john said i was awesome. so that's about the same as rocking. wtf? how come he doesn't want to date me?!?! hehe well i don't know for sure, but i suspect this to be the case. poo poo. can u tell i'm in a sort of silly, self-absorbed mood right now? this post is so senseless and ridiculous. eh, so be it!

these are definitely some emotional times lately. for everyone. the pressing thought is post-college. and i know that i was so adament before about leaving LA, but now i don't know. because the more i think about it, the more i am uncertain. my options before were either SF or seattle. but now i realize that i don't want to move to SF because i don't really like the school there. it's not very old and therefore not that well developed. so i can't really justify going there just to get away from LA. and i don't even know if i want to get away from LA. because lately LA hasn't been so bad. i don't love it here, but i don't hate it as much as i used to. and i'm not sure if this is because i know that i could be leaving soon and am trying to make myself believe that LA isn't so bad. cuz the more i think about leaving all the ppl i know, the more it makes me want to stay. at first i thought that i could just get up and move and say goodbye to everyone and meet new people. and of course that wouldn't mean permanently saying goodbye, but realistically it meant saying goodbye in the physical sense for a long time at least. i never put that much thought into how hard that will be for me. perhaps impossible. the ppl i have met here in LA are so important to me that it is easier said than done to just leave them all behind. when i left SF to come to college, it wasn't that hard because EVERYONE was leaving. everyone was going to college and it felt right to leave. i was in the mindset to leave and with the mindset of going back to SF to visit. SF being the homebase. but now that college is ending, most people aren't of the same mindset to just get up and go. and if people leave, LA isn't necessarily a homebase which we will all revisit on major holidays. it doesn't feel as right to just get up and go. and i realize this now. so while seattle is a definite possibility, so is staying in LA. i wouldn't have thought i'd say that a few months ago, but as the end draws near, i am thinking more realistically, and perhaps not as rationally. for it's hard to think as rationally when emotions get in the way. and i definitely feel emotional when i think about leaving everyone i know. at the same time, what if a lot of the people i know also leave LA. then what is the tie to staying here? i equate this all to a trust game that i bet most people have played before. it's one where everyone stands in a circle. then on the count of three, everyone has to sit down at the same time so that way everyone is sitting on each other's laps and the circle supports itself. if u don't do it all at the same time, someone will fall. i feel like this post-college situation is sorta like that. everyone (well, most people) is hinging on everyone else to decide what to do. and if we all decide at once, then we can all successfully move forward with that plan we have set out. just in the same way that everyone has to sit down at the same time to make sure the circle works out. ugh! it's all so hard. i don't know what to do! =(

i feel like shit. i'm never going to get well. i keep going out and wearing my body down. last nite was no exception. got really drunk here at the house. we all piled into 3 cars and went to dj andy's party in playa del rey. drank more there. danced like a mutherfucker. omg. such good music and dancing. i remember calling john in the car on the way there and talking nonsense. then calling again while walking to the party cuz it was quieter. he didn't pick up. he called me back while i was dancing and we talked for a bit. i think i was like, "are you gay? cuz if you are, that's a shame. you're so attractive." something to that extent. and he said something like, "aww you think i'm attractive?" he said he would call me at 2am when the bar closed and see if i was still at the party. and if i was already home he would come over. or something like that. i can't remember. so more dancing after that. around 2ish we started to round up the troops to leave. i called him and told him we were leaving the party and going to fred 62. he said he'd try to get his ppl to go there. i remember talking to marcial too and he was saying something about hanging out next weekend. meanwhile emily is screaming in the background something about me loving john! we all piled into cars and got to fred 62. our car got there first. woo! we had so many ppl we had to take up two tables which totally sucked. the splitting up was uncool. but there were so many of us. i guess there was no other way. we had the same waiter and busboy that i had last weekend when i went there with john. makes sense. it's about the same time and we sat in the same section. ppl were egging me on to talk to the busboy and get his number. i didn't tho. emily was complaining about her pants being wet and wanting to take them off. she was mad at me for not letting her. in a sober state she would realize that taking off your pants in public is not allowed!!! anyway, we ate lovely food. kyla looked like she was gonna puke was not cool. we had about the same amount to drink i thought. but i also think that my tolerance has increased lately. eesh! we left the place and went home. i called john who was driving home to thousand oaks drunk! ugh. i was angry at him for that. he was really really tired which was not cool either. i was trying to keep him awake. then he hung up. then he called back a couple minutes later to tell me he was home and ok. so that was good. but that was so bad of him!! that's his biggest flaw. and so many guys do it. they think they can just drive drunk and they are stupid!!! ugh. but anyway. i really like this boy and he's frustrating me so much! =( i might just have to breakdown and tell him sooner or later. just to get it off my chest. cuz yeah. fuckin eh.

omg. tonight was sooo fucking fun. john didn't come but i talked to him on the phone a lot. i think i said he was attractive. oops. whatever. he really is though. omg. so many backspaces to make this perfect. cuz the blog must look nice and pristine. yes yes. ugh. john. fuck. no fair!!! =( i'll write more later in a more coherent state.

to clarify: I HAVE HEARD THIS SONG BEFORE. but i have never really listened to the lyrics. it's just one of those songs that would just play. and oldie but goodie. but i decided to pay attention to the lyrics since john actually like pointed out that he really liked it and such and i had nothing better to do than listen to the lyrics while laying there. so once more, this song is NOT new to me. this wasn't the first time i have heard it!!!

oh and just to stick this in a separate post so that way the other one isn't even longer. we were listening to random mp3s and he was putting on stuff that he liked. and one song he played was "crimson and clover" by the velvet underground. he pointed it out and how he liked it a lot and it actually played twice. the second time around i listened to the lyrics and i liked them. the few that there are. so here they are.

crimson and clover

now i don't hardly know her
but i think i could love her
crimson and clover

ah
well if she come walkin' over
now i been waitin' to show her
crimson and clover
over and over

alright. here's the story of last nite. but first up, since i know most people won't bother to read this whole thing and then they'll miss the most important thing i have to say. inside john's car he had these planes on top of some sticks. i asked him what they were and he said that he got invited to some sorority thing and that he doesn't know who the chick is but he's gonna bring those planes as a bouquet of planes rather than flowers. and when u hold them all together it vaguely looks like a bouquet. but OH MY GOD! he was like, "yeah i think flowers are cheezy." OH MY GOD. if he showed up at my door with a bouquet of planes and i hadn't ever mentioned that i thought flowers from guys were lame, i would be in LOVE. like when i saw them and he said that, whoa. that was just so rad. someone out there who totally agrees with me on the flowers thing!!! =O

ok, so last nite i called john and left him a message. then i went to amoeba. while at amoeba he called but i didn't hear it ring cuz i was at the listening stations. but something inside me told me to check my phone. so i did and found that he had called. so i called him back and he sounded a bit drunk and he was goofing off with him roommate's dildo. they were all going to the two-nine later on. so he said i should come. so i went home and got dressed. i eventually met up with john, his two roommates tiff and simone, and their friends monica and conwar. when i got there i ran into tiff first who seemed surprised to see me. she asked if i was here with john and i said yes. i mingled with her a bit. saw john and he came to give me a big hug. he said i looked really good and asked what was different. basically i didn't do my hair the way i normally do. and i had lipgloss on that made my lips shine. i think that was about it. anyway, to fast fwd through this a bit, basically there was drama btwn tiff and john since she apparently likes him and i assume due to her drunkeness she got upset about the situation. the situation being that he doesn't like her back and he knows a lot of chicks and it always looks like he's flirting with them but they are just his friends. but i can understand what she'd be thinking since i would think the same thing. who is that chick john's talking to?? but then at the same time, which one of them went home with him? me! so whatever. i can completely believe that he has a lot of chick friends. he's a hot guy who's nice. that's what happens. anyway, so there was all this drama and basically the girls left together at some point and conwar stayed around with me and john. conwar was high and trying to explain to john how women work and john was upset about it all cuz he doesn't want tiff to be upset with him but he didn't do anything wrong. he was really drunk too. so emotions are always hightened. for both parties. i felt like i was falling into the friendzone so fast as i was trying to help him out. but it's not like i could be confessing my liking of him too! goodness no. not both on one nite. so i tried to help him out and once the two-nine closed which i think was at midnight, it was time to figure out the whole going home situation.

now, conwar had made me promise that i would not let john drive home drunk cuz he was really drunk apparently. altho i couldn't tell. conwar wanted me to drive him home cuz i had only had 2 beers (both of which john bought me. wee! lots of free alcohol these days!). so in front of conwar, john handed me his keys. we walked out of the two-nine and i wouldn't give back his keys. i told him i would drive him home cuz i had promised conwar. altho i didn't see how this would exactly work out cuz then i'd have to walk home alone in theory. so i drove him back and he was like, "well this isn't gonna be good for tiff. her seeing you sleeping here again." cuz apparently the other nite when i slept over she asked john later if we had done anything. which we didn't! so whatever. we got to his place and the girls were there chatting in one of their rooms. so me and john went to his room and got changed for bed. he gave me some of his clothes to wear again especially since the shirt i had one was like not suited to sleep in. we hopped into bed and of course it was super cold as it always is in his room. he kept asking me if i was drunk and i said no. and he was like, "i don't think u realize how cold it will be. we have to get really cuddley to keep warm." and we proceed to get entirely entangled. of course, once again, he is sick and making some noise. snoring and all. i am sick and can't really breathe well. we weren't really both asleep when his phone rang. it was his best friend jen. i guess she was asking him to do shit or whatever and he was like, "but jen. i'm in bed with this hot chick." and then he says to say hi into the phone. i thought he was gonna make me talk to her or something. but i guess it was just to prove that there really was a girl there. haha weird. we tried to sleep and keep warm and he was running his hands all over me to warm me up cuz i was way colder than he was. he said i have nice legs and i was like, "i didn't shave again!" and he was like, "you haven't shaved since the last time you were here? well it's ok. they are nice anyway. feel my legs. they are all hairy." and so i did but of course they are hairy. he's a boy! it was so silly. he is a silly boy. anyway, sleep was awful. i apparently kept pushing him to the side of the bed and he would push me back and so i didn't get good sleep at all.

we woke up at like 8 or 9am and neither of us could really breathe. we both got dressed but then we laid in bed for like 2 hours listening to music and talking. he mentioned weird things like me loving boys and stuff. and we talked about images and the whole emo thing and just random shit. we also discussed how we've both never had anyone for valentine's day. so we said there should be no vday but a day where u can be bitchy to your loved one. it's like a free pass day. call it "fuck off" day. hence the happy fuck off day thing in the last post. anyway, i have no idea what to think of this john boy. cuz in some respects he's sorta gay. honestly. he's sorta gay the way dylan is. only maybe a bit more so. and like he doesn't touch girls unless they are dating. he said this several times last nite when dealing with the roommate issue. so this would make sense for why we never make out even if he's drunk. he's also really picky. he said he has a love/hate relationship with USC. cuz he likes the school and he has a lot of friends and all. but he also can't find the right girl. so he just might be more picky than me! and if he's THAT picky, there's no way in hell i'll fit the bill. i mean even if i'm awesome and hot in his eyes, i bet that's still not enough. cuz i have to be perfect. and who the hell really is perfect? not i! anyway, so around like 11am we got up and he drove me home. that's when i saw the bouquet of planes. oh god. so cute. haha he dropped me off and asked me if we were still doing the thing on saturday. meaning dj andy's party. so perhaps he wants to go?!? i told him if he wanted to yeah. so i'll call tomorrow and ask. he went home home to thousand oaks. oh brother. what a mess. i thought i'd make some sort of progress into figuring something out. but no. not at all. ugh! but i will say that he's cool and i like him even just as a friend. so if that's what it ends up being, eh, so be it.

soooo tired. last nite went not the way i thought it would. i thought i would be staying in. but no! went out. oh yeah, and happy "fuck off" day. haha little inside joke. to be explained later. must run errands now.

alright. i asked a bunch of ppl and everyone except brian and emily said to call john tonight. if i wanted to tie in the whole "oh you weren't in class. are u feeling ok?" bit, i'd have to do it tonight to make sense. plus tomorrow is vday and calling tomorrow could be a bit weird. so with all the advice in hand, i called him just now. and guess what, he didn't even answer! perhaps he's totally ill and not even answering his fone. this could entirely be the case since he wasn't in class. or it could be completely unrelated to his illness and something else. who knows. but i did leave a message concerning his sickness and hoping he gets well and whatnot and then i told him about the party on saturday and asked if he wanted to come with me and my friends. so...the deed is done essentially. it's on him to call me back. i have faith he will cuz he seems to be good about returning calls. i just called josh right now and it's amazing how with john preoccupying my mind so much, i don't even worry so much about when i'm gonna be able to hang out with josh and stuff. cuz by now i'd be getting all pissy with the boy. but i'm not. he still wants to go see bowling for columbine next friday at the DKA series on campus. so we'll be doing that. should be good times. anyway, off to amoeba now!

ugh! my plans were completely foiled!! john wasn't in class today. that prolly means he's really sick. now i don't know what to do. the consensus here is that i have to call and ask about his health. so that's for sure. i'd have done that anyway. it's just a matter of timing. ky said any day. even tonight. brian said tomorrow. emily said saturday. i'll ask rick and see what he says. ugh! why is john sick? this is making this so hard!

i made reggie cds into promos today and in the process gave myself a blister from the drill handle. =( poor me. oh well. i got some hw done at work today. that was rad. i have a quiz tomorrow, a critique due, and a short essay/cost analysis thing due. ugh! oh well. tomorrow i have one goal. to walk home from class with john and ask him to do something with me this weekend. and if for some reason i can't walk with him like on tuesday, then i will call him later at nite. must be proactive but not too overbearing.

remember awhile back i found out that my teacher from my old marketing class had read my blog because someone had searched for the class on google and found my entry about bashing that speech made in class? well, brian had asked the girl who wrote it for a copy and he thought she never sent it. but he found it in his junkmail folder the other day. apparently he overlooked it somehow and deleted it. anyway, so i have a copy of it and below is a .jpg version of it. why a .jpg? cuz that way it's not searchable. there are way too many search terms in there that people could find online and once more find my blog and show my old prof. fuck that. now u can read it and see why me and brian just rolled our eyes when we heard it delivered in class. silent hero? wtf?

i think my illness isn't too bad. i feel the worst of it was last nite. i was really hot while sleeping and woke up several times. but now i feel better. not 100% but better. john looked really ill today in class. he went to the doc finally and found out he has an infection. what did i tell him?? haha i knew it was an infection from the moment he said he had green mucus. i'm so smart. haha anyway, i couldn't like really talk to him since the events team had to meet after class. poo. oh well whatever. thursday i suppose.

wow. josh just called me after the show. he asked if i had text messaged him "good luck" even tho the cell fone number wasn't mine. perhaps the fact that i didn't make an effort to go to the show got him to think about me. weird. cuz he concluded our brief chat with "well i'll call you tomorrow and maybe we can do something." not entirely within josh's "i don't really give a fuck attitude." rad. whatever. part of me wishes i had seen them play cuz apparently the crowd really dug them. so they did a good job and i missed it. but it's apparently drizzling outside and that wouldn't have gone over well with my sickness. so it's for the best. plus then perhaps josh wouldn't have called. well of course he wouldn't have. cuz i would have been there. but i think u catch my drift of the sentiments of the call issue. whatever. i'm tired. i need rest. this isn't making sense yet it does to me.

drinking lots of tea and sitting at home. yes, i decided at the last minute NOT to go to the boys' show. can u tell i like john? well basically if i didn't like john, he wouldn't consume my thoughts more so than josh. and if that was the case, i'd DEFINITELY be at the show cuz i used to like always, always want to do shit with josh. now that i have this preoccupation in my mind, josh is sorta on the backburner. sad yes. but hey, he doesn't want a relationship. he's damned sexy and all, but i gotta take care of #1 here. #1 being me and my health and getting with john. haha that's a big #1. =P anyway, yeah. i figured i need to rest more cuz i can definitely tell i'm getting sick. and john has been sick for a long time. so whatever he has he gave to me and i don't want to be like him and sick all the time. he let that shit go on for too long and partied too much and stuff and now look at him. sick as all hell. he said to me yesterday while i was sorta trying to sleep and he couldn't sleep, that he was making a resolution as of now to drink less and not smoke while he drinks and go to the gym more. basically to be a more healthy person cuz this illness is kicking him in the ass. i don't this illness to kick me in the ass so i must nip it in the bud beforehand. furthermore, i'm gonna get my period anyday now and i really hate when i have my period AND i'm sick. that doesn't go over well with me. so yea. i feel a bit achy and stuff and i'm gonna take some cold medicine before hitting the hay. hopefully i'll be well by the weekend cuz cap'n andy's party is saturday and i really want to go. perhaps i'll invite john too. we'll see how class interaction goes. everyone tells me to just play it by ear. and i talked to brian about it on the fone and he seems positive. he says that even if i might be headed in the friendzone direction that it's not all lost yet cuz i just met john and therefore i can't be THAT deep into the zone. it's not without reason to climb out. so that's hopeful. i'll just see how it goes in class tomorrow. altho it'll prolly just be whatever cuz it's class. i mean i think the only thing i could glean from class would be if he was totally NOT interested and like totally didn't sit near me and made conscious efforts not to talk to me and stuff. but i can't see that happening. that goes against everything that happened this weekend. so yea. anyway, i think the moral of this story (at least as of right now) is that there need not be all this analyzing crap. cuz really, there ain't much to analyze. everyone says it's too early to tell. so yea. no worrying just yet. =)

the boys' band is playing a small set at the garage tonight. there are like 7 bands playing and they go on last. i think around like 11pm. i guess i'll go alone. i can stand in the crowd with jeremy and amanda presumably. i actually called john to see if he wanted to go with me but he's too sick! he went to urgent care only to find a really long line of sick ppl. so he left and called his parents and they had a fight over the fone. poor thing. i think he got me sick tho! cuz i feel a bit ill in the throat. no good. our fone convo was a little weird. but he really wanted to go with me. at least that's what he said. so whatever. i'll see him in class tomorrow unless he's too sick. i wonder how josh will be tonight. i called him up today to ask about the show and we also had a weird convo. maybe it's me. maybe i'm off today. my period is coming anyday now. who knows. but yeah, josh at one point was like, "jen do u hate me? am i a dick?" did i have that tone?? goodness. i dunno. same with john. he was like, "jen what's wrong? don't be so enthusiastic (totally sarcastically)." so maybe i'm having an off day with the fone. who knows. whatever. i feel a bit ill so i'm not totally with it for this gig. but i wanna see the boys and support them. so i shall go. hopefully bypass most of the bands preceeding them. i hope that calling john wasn't a bad idea. i mean he seemed interested to go with me. so it should be a good thing right? oh and i thought about the other nite and how we didn't make out. and i thought about how me and emily said that like most of the time hookups lead to nothing. so maybe it's a good thing we didn't hook up? who knows. whatever.

umm...someone is looking for me. they searched for my first and last name on yahoo and found my blog. i always took such care to not have my full name on this blog so that way it couldn't be found if someone was in fact searching for me. mostly cuz i didn't want my parents to find it! but i forgot that in december i referred to myself in the 3rd person by using ms. surname. and so whoever is searching for me found my blog. i hope it's not john. eesh. altho then at least he'd know that i like him. i guess that's a good thing. eh i dunno. what if it freaks him out. oh dear. whatever. maybe it's not even him. in fact, it prolly isn't. he hasn't even moved all his shit in. he prolly doesn't have computer access again yet. and when u gain computer access, u tend to more important things than looking someone up! altho, if he was searching for my name, perhaps it's a good thing. cuz i search for ppl when i like them. but that's me. oh who knows. whatever. if he did find my blog, too fucking late. so yes john, i DO like you! and if u make this crap awkward in class, then oh well. i guess that's the way the cookie crumbles. haha

wow. i realized at work that i really like this john kid. and omg i thought his skin on the side of his body was so sexy. i'm a freak. haha but seriously, i really wanna try hard with this boy. i have to lay low for a bit and flesh it out. see what happens. but if it looks like it's going down the crappy, ie. right into friendzone forever, then i'll have to just say it out loud. be blunt and be proud and see how he reacts. the only concern i have is the awkwardness that could be created in class. normally it doesn't really matter, but this class is so group oriented that it's important for there not to be feuding and problems and such. ugh! john is the first guy i've liked from SC in a really long time it seems. well unless u count the momentary liking of my neighbor ryan. normally i like lots of SC boys all at once. then this whole senior year i totally got into non-SC boys. and now i like this SC boy again. my luck with SC boys hasn't been too good tho. cuz usually they don't want gfs. not that i want a bf. but whatever. they don't seem to want to casually date either. i dunno. this john kid seems different. he seems less SC only in that i feel like he has a lot of non-SC friends. i could be way off base with that comment, but i don't think i am. all the ppl i met yesterday and today were not from SC. and they seem to be his good friends. so i dunno. whatever. class on tuesday. we'll see how it goes. =/ but i remember how i said a week ago that i didn't even really like anyone enough to want them to like me back. well now i do. and his name is john! hehe

another crazy, drunken nite to this crazy, drunken weekend! friday was sake, last nite was john from marketing. yes, his name has been revealed for convenience sake. basically i went to my prof's party and then after it was over john asked me and brian if we were doing anything after. i said no. brian had "stuff" to do. so john got our numbers and said he'd call later before he was ready to go out. so he called me around 10pm. told me he was going with his friends to beauty bar. asked me to come. so i said yes. i drove to his place on 24th street (yes its only 5 blocks away but it's 5 blocks into the sketchy ghetto area!) and hung out with him for a bit. then his friends came. his roommate tiff was coming along too. we all drank a couple beers and then took two cars to the bar. it was total hollywood playboy style. john gets the code to this gated off parking lot right behind the bar and we park both cars in there. totally rad. we walk to the bar only to find it was a private party. but emily and adam were already in there. i had told them i was going there so they went too. so yea. we waited outside while the bouncer gave me the eye and signal that he'd get me in in a minute. so then me and tiff went in and he said he'd take care of my guys in a second. so we all get in. me and tiff go to the bathroom. then john gets us all drinks. cuz he knows the bartender. totally awesome. i got so fucking plastered throughout the nite. nice drinks too. they just kept coming. whiskey sours. midori sours. apple martinis. nice shit. ok i dont want to drown on about the nice with the details. basically john's friends go home with chicks. one of them is the guy's gf and the other if the girl's friend. john takes me and tiff home and then we go to eat at fred 62. then we go back to his place. he said i should sleep over so i did. haha i slept in his boxers. he slept in his boxers and tshirt. omg, i saw the skin on the side of his abdomen and it was beautiful. really sexy. cuz it wasn't pastey white like most of the guys i know. it looked so nice. omg! hehe we cuddled and intertwined ourselves but no making out. he was all sick and so he kept making noises with his nose. that plus just his body being there kept me up for hours. finally i slept and then at like 10am he was awake and he couldn't sleep anymore. his congestion was getting to him. so he left me to sleep alone for a couple hours while he just did whatever. around noon i got up and joined him on the porch. we chatted. he said that he couldn't figure me out. he can normally figure girls out but not me. we talked about my business major. about my date with ben and how he wanted sex beforehand. john thought that was insane and then asked me how ben broached the subject of sex anyway. and i said that we were making out and john was like, "you make out with boys you dont date? you are really sexual huh?" i said i wasn't. cuz i'm not! what the hell? maybe he doesn't make out with chicks he's not dating. but then how do u get to the dating stage? i learned that his gf just broke up with him a week ago and he seems quite upset about it. like it hurts him. so that means, REBOUND BOY! eesh. he likes my hair. he liked my lip gloss on my lips. hmm what else? i dunno. after we were on the porch for awhile i thought i'd just leave but he invited me back in. we laid on opposing couches and watched golf on tv. yes, golf. haha we both like it. and he is a golf caddy too. makes good money. then his friend called and said he'd be over in 45 min to go to the beach. so then john said he was gonna lay down for a bit and asked me to join him. so i did. cuz hell, i was still tired really. so we laid down in the bed again for a bit. then his friend came so i left. he said i was awesome and wants to hang out and stuff. we hugged goodbye. but yea. i dunno. 75% of me thinks that i am in the friendzone. 25% of me thinks i might be able to overcome it. cuz the little things. i mean, maybe he's just like REALLY nice. i dunno. but why pinpoint me in the class to go out? sleeping together. napping together. i dunno. i think he thinks i'm attractive. he offhandedly said so when we were driving to the place and tiff was concerned about being underdressed and i said how i didn't give a shit and never dress up for things. and he said how we don't need to cuz we are attractive. but anyway. hurdles to overcome here. i dunno if i can. his ex-gf is a hurdle. i mean maybe he does need a rebound girl. and i would gladly be that girl. cuz i'm not looking for a hardcore relationship at all. but he might have already pigeon-holed me into the friend category. so deep that i can't dig my way out. i dunno. we shall see how we interact in class on tuesday. it's funny to think that just the other day he was the hot guy in class who i barely knew and just exchanged a few words with. and today we are sharing a bed. man, i have come a long way. i'm doing well. i think it's cuz emily and ky have bfs. so i push myself harder. otherwise i'd sit back and be passive. but now i can't be. so ben, joe, and john come along. haha josh always in tow. but anyway, john is my newest project. i will try my hardest to turn this around and get out of the friendzone. if not, oh well. just another guy friend as a result of a failed attempt at dating. i don't even want to count how many of those i have! haha

sake!!!! woo!!! omg, last nite was so fucking awesome. i loved it. it was so sad that emily wasn't there. =( she missed a really great nite. here was the list of attendees: me, ky, lo, michael, rick, jessica, dom, brian, dan, kevin, james, and jason. justin didn't come cuz their friend was having a bday party. but brian and dom still came. i was happy about that. woo! basically, we set up 12 cups around our tiny coffee table. we boiled water in a big pot to heat up the sake. once everyone arrived and me and ky had finished our sushi, we all gathered around the small table and proceeded to get really wasted really fast. haha basically kyla came around with the big bottle of sake and poured it into everyone's little sake cups. we then precariously placed them on the chopsticks that were on top of the cups. and then we all hit the table with one fist at the same time. altho for each of the 5 rounds we did, i think only once did we all actually do it at the same time. cuz the other times ppl's sake cups fell into the beer cup too quickly. it was so much fun. me and ky wore our starbucks aprons to minimize the spillage on ourselves. but man was the table a mess and the floor around it. much cleanup today is needed. yuck! by the 5th and last bomb (within one hour's time), i was so wasted. the last one didn't go down so well and i thought i might puke. but i didn't. woo! then we were all dancing and being merry. it was quite an insane mess. and boy are there photos to show it. we tried to go to this party but half the group went ahead of us and then we called them and they said the party wasn't so good and they were gonna bring ppl back here. so we came back here. but them they didn't come for a long time. so i decided to make a pizza! by the end of the nite, it was just me, jason, brian, and dan. jessica and rick had retired to their room. and so had dom and ky. brian and jason decided to leave and so then dan was here. and i knew he had to stay here cuz he was too drunk to drive. so we looked at my photos and then i offered him my bed to sleep in. and i said, "i swear i won't touch you!" cuz i know he gets all concerned about that sort of stuff. but he said he wasn't concerned about that. so yea. dan stayed here. it was a little awkward. we were cuddling and such. i think i could have hooked up with him. he was really drunk and i know when he's really drunk it's no holds barred. but i knew i shouldn't hook up for my own sake, and i didn't even really want to anyway. i was actually thinking about josh. cuz i had called him earlier in my drunken state to see what he was doing and i think he was just sorta like not feeling my drunken banter. haha and he had band practice anyway. but yeah, i was thinking about josh. so yea. i mean, this is a good thing. a breakthrough for me! who woulda thunk? haha time to go and clean up the mess. eesh!

man i am so rested. it's so fucking awesome! i woke up at 12:45 today. woo! anyway, last nite basically i went to chain reaction to see saves the day. altho i only saw about half their set cuz i had to leave early to go to this thing with emily. so basically i saw the two openers which was down to earth approach and piebald. piebald did pretty much the same set i saw the other week at groundzero. i was excited to see down to earth approach cuz one of the guy's that interns at vagrant, jon, is the lead singer of the band. and they got signed to the label. so yea. i was glad to see them play. they are good. total vagrant sound. saw part of saves the day and they did some of their new songs that they are gonna be recording soon. and they sounded really good. so that's awesome. there was drama with joey of course as there always with. oh well. i left at like 10:30 to get back here around 11. i was dead tired and hungry. but nevertheless, me and emily went to this thing that we got the flier from that los feliz party we went to. the one where i met ben. u thought it was gonna be a film screening and party with dancing and music. but when we got there it turned out to be an art show. and to make a long story short, i was uneasy about seeing ben there without adam around to be a good link. but then it turned out that adam went after all and we saw them outside the place as we were leaving. i doubt ben saw me but if he did then he prolly just thought we were there with adam. so no worries. it was just weird. and the fucker was wearing the same thing he wore the other nite! me and emily got slurpees and then went home.

today i woke up late. woo! redyed my hair jet black. then did my errands. took back some clothes and went to vagrant to say goodbye to laura who was leaving. sad. and now i'm ready to sake bomb! woo!!! exciting. emily's presence will be missed. but she is out with adam for his birthday. so it's justified. but still sad. oh well. there will be more sake bombing i'm sure. tomorrow i have to try and work my magic with the hot boy in my class. oh man. he's just hot. hehe he seems nice enough. i really wanna finagle doing something with him after the party. i hope i can. we shall see.

too tired to post the night's story. will do so later. finally i get to sleep in and not worry about a fucking alarm clock. woo!!!

i talked to the hot guy in my class!!! we walked home together basically. he lives past me but we talked about random crap. he's 21 and goes to the beauty bar a lot cuz he knows one of the DJs there and he said i should go with him. and he said he wanted to come to my house parties cuz i mentioned that we have them sometimes. and he's just hot. ugh! and when we parted ways he hugged me! i'll see him at our teacher's party this saturday. woo! he's hot. he seems nice too. i haven't really gotten to talk to him that much but today was a breakthrough. thank god i dilly dallied in class. haha

i dreamt i died. i have dreamt that i died before. but the other time i dreamt that i was being shot by some guy in a cruise ship and i was living it in first person and then seeing it in third person. but this dream was all first person. and it was the scariest dream EVER. basically it was sort of like a dream in a dream. cuz in my dream, i was dreaming that i died. and when i awoke from that, i realized that my death was a dream. does this make sense? a layer within a layer. basically i was dreaming. i dreamt that i was trying to get to this place that i had directions for. only it was really late and dark and i wasn't totally sure how to get there. i was driving fast and trying to look at my mapquest directions. i had to round this curve really fast and instead of making it, my car swerves off and i guess hits something. i dunno. cuz at that moment my life flashed before my eyes and i knew i was dying. everything went black and i couldn't feel anything. i tried to reach for aberdeen but i couldn't pick anything up or feel his fur. i was slowly losing my breath and all i could think about was how i was about to die. how i was in that interim state of life and death. i felt cheated because i had so much life left to live. so much i didn't get a chance to do and say. and honestly, i really did think i was dead. cuz i couldn't wake up. i couldn't feel. then all of a sudden, boom, i woke up. inside my dream. and then i realized it was a dream and so i REALLY awoke from my dream to this world. and i was so shocked to actually honestly be alive. my heart was racing. i realized the dream within a dream thing and was sooooo greatful. but still. that was one of the scariest things ever. cuz i honestly believed i was dead. it was so sad and weird. i can't even begin to understand what this dream means. anyone have any thoughts?

i just visited the boys' new apt. it's cute. i like it. right off sunset near the home depot. they have to share rooms, except josh, but it's cute. they loved the cookies too. =) josh really likes peanut butter so i knew he'd like them a lot. everyone seems to really like the cookies actually. i think i will make these a staple cookie thing to make! anyway, i have all this crap i need to do for class. bah. whatever. wing it all i say. i wish i could have stayed there longer but i had to get back here. boo hoo. oh well. c'est la vie.

life in mono

i'm still ALWAYS tired. i just took a nap today. i was tired in the morning when i went to vagrant. ugh! i drove like 40 miles in total today for vagrant getting all this random crap and being hassled for using a company amex card that didn't have my name on it. the good part is that for my time and gas i'm getting reimbursed $12.40 which is way more than the actual dollar amount of the gas i used. so that's cool. i don't mind running errands like that cuz it gets me out of the office and then i'm not so bored. cuz when there's nothing to do at vagrant i get sorta bored sitting around. u can only talk so much about random stuff! haha anyway, still tired but i have all this work to do so i MUST wake myself up!! i made cookies for the boys and i need to get them to them asap before they go bad. i'm just so tired i can't even be bothered to call one of them and get their new address or anything. too tired to hang out with them. no time. i don't know when the next day will be where i can just sleep in without an alarm. maybe saturday. maybe. ugh!

omg. i feel tired all the time. it's like i have fucking mono or something. ugh! anyway, i went to my marketing class and we had these two guest speakers come in from a.d.d. marketing & advertising. the founder and CEO of the company was this guy named scott and i swear to god, he is what josh will look like when he's like 40. i presume this man is about 40 cuz he got his MBA at usc in 1987 and that was 16 years ago! and you figure u don't get your MBA right after your undergrad so he prolly got it around like age 24 or 25. so he's gotta be about 40. he didn't look all that old but u could tell that he's got a few years in him. he had this older aged rocker look going on. jeans all low with a thick belt. rocker watch and wristband. button up blue shirt. goatee. really skinny. i mean, i was actually attracted to him. not at first glance but after a few minutes. and then i realized that josh would prolly look somewhat like this guy when he's older. except this guy didn't have an visible tats. but still. same idea. anyway, we also found out what teams we're working in. i'm the "interactive marketing specialist" on the events team. i think it means i do the website. haha fancy schmancy terminology and titles mean jack to me. give me the html coding job and we're all set. woo! anyway, our prof is having a party this saturday and i think it's basically mandatory that we all go. it could be fun times. who knows. that's if i don't pass out before then. so fucking tired all the time. i totally didn't realize i have a quiz on thursday! that'll be quiz #3. that plus my presentation. next week i have a quiz in econ. good fucking god. all this damned quizzes!! it's like one a week. sometimes two a week. ugh! friday i have to sign up to meet with the marketing prof for our team stuff or something. here i thought i could stay out late thursday and not worry about setting an alarm. but no! gotta meet with the prof as well as return my crap that i bought last week for the frat thing. and then go to vagrant to say goodbye to laura. then sake. woo!

aww. mario is so cute. me and ky like him. like we don't really want to date him. obviously she doesn't. she's dating dom! and i don't really want to date mario either. can't really pinpoint why. but we just think he's so cute and nice. aww. i find myself wanting to like touch him at work at stuff. i know i shouldn't but i want to. like play with him. cuz he's just so damned cute! =) his birthday is valentine's day. he's turning 20. poor thing has no plans as of now. it would be so cute to do something with him for his bday and vday. but i feel like that could be a bit misconstrued. i dunno. and just all around weird perhaps. but that must really suck to have ur bday on vday. haha i like the way that sounds. bday on vday. anyway, it must suck. i wouldn't like it. i'd be like, wow, it's my bday. go me! oh wait. i'm single once more. oh, and most people are too busy to be with their loved ones to celebrate with me. boo. something of that sentiment. man, that would suck. poor mario!! =( anyway, i wanna do something that day. i just don't know what. part of me wants to somehow ask out my neighbor matt cuz he's cute. but that would be weird. so i doubt i will. but like i said before, there isn't really anyone i like. so i don't really know who i would want to be with! goodness. oh well. perhaps within the next week or so, somehow my life with miraculously find someone new. or not. haha back to my fucking work! ugh! =( i can't wait til it's 4pm on thursday and my week is basically over.

i fucking hate my schedule this semester. i should have taken econ last semester and 311 this semester. 497 is SUCH a DRAG! ugh. marketing is taking so much time. and i have to intern like 15 hours a week. i fucking hate it. if i didn't have to intern i would have way more free time. these damned classes not only have reading but stupid quizzes. already i've had 2 quizzes and i have a presentation and report due thursday for marketing. fuck that shit! ugh. i hate this crap. and on top of that, i'm stressed about my future. i know i want to leave LA but now i'm sad about it. and i want to stay here for the summer just cuz i don't want to go home and i don't really know how to stay here. perhaps sublet if the boys go on tour. or sleep on michael's couch for a couple months. i dunno. fuckin eh. i hate this bullshit. fuck life!

remember those rose grams or candy grams or whatever grams in high school that u could give to people for whatever occasion? like for valentine's day or halloween or whatever. u could give them anonymously or knowingly. it would be totally rad and fun to get something like that anonymously from someone for this upcoming valentine's day. of course i'd assume it was a joke by one of my friends, but i would love for it to be honest and real and also a mystery. cuz then i'd be completely preoccupied with trying to figure out who it was from while everyone else is spending the holiday with their loved one. ugh! this year will once again be a lonely v-day. i'm pretty used to it by now. not once have i ever celebrated on this godforsaken day. not in my 21 years of existence. sad isn't it? maybe i'll go see pulp fiction for the midnight movie by myself or with anyone i can find who also is alone. =( or maybe i'll go to this engine burns' gig if they do in fact have one that nite. i HAVE to do something to take my mind off the fact that i am once again single. altho i was thinking about it just now and how there actually isn't really anyone out there i really like. all these passed up opportunities with boys that i am just not attracted to. i guess i shouldn't fully complain cuz i have had my chances recently which is more than i can ever really say. but still. no dice. aside from dan who i think i'd always love to love, there really isn't any boy i wish would like me. i mean yes there is that boy in my class who i think is cute, but i don't know him. so i can't even really say i wish he'd like me back. what if he's a fucking asshole? i have no idea! i think the only boy at this point i'd really want to like me back would be josh. cuz i really dig him. i know that if he was looking to have a relationship and actually gave it his all and made time for it, i know that he'd be awesome. so i guess i could wish that he'd like me back so much that he'd be willing to want something and make it work. but other than him, i can't really find a boy i'd want to like me. i mean maybe daniel or even kevin in the band only cuz are rad too. but josh over the rest so i guess him. eh. whatever. see how i can't even find someone i wish would like me! goodness. how can i expect that v-day would be good this year. or even wish for it to be. there isn't really anyone to wish to have a good v-day with! oh well. another year gone by. another year without a special valentine.... =(

good times eating with dan at swingers tonight. we just talked about random crap. lots of boy talk. good times. i love dan. he's so great. =) he ate like half my brownie sundae for me. what a good boy. hehe i ate half his fries too. haha then after i dropped him off i called josh to see how the moving was going. they aren't fully moved in. i think they'll be done tomorrow. i wanna see it!! then i went home and went to the palisades party with ky, dom, and lo. it was eh. wasn't feeling it but the rest wanted to go so i went. i basically just stood around and watched ppl. that was fun. now i'm really tired and stressed about how much work i have to do. =( damn the social life!

i realized that joe looks like a combination btwn joe mcintyre (from the NKOTB) and my uncle jack! yes, sorta frightening to think that someone u went on a date with could look like your really old uncle. but yes, it's true. oh well. joe's a nice boy. i think that we are sorta on the same page cuz we both haven't dated much in college. altho he used to date a lot in high school. but that was in colorado. perhaps he's like me. socal kids just don't cut it. and we are both totally surrounded by them. i think that's partially why he likes me. cuz i'm not like the blonde cookie cutter girls at his school. he said he hasn't met someone like me in a long time. someone who is different than the others. that was a very nice compliment. =) but alas, i just can't find the chemistry. i wish. but i can't. no sparks. and if there aren't any sparks, then it's not gonna work. cuz when he was trying to kiss me, for that split second i thought about whether i could kiss him back. and my gut said no. i think my brain sorta works funny. cuz i'm starting to notice a trend here. all the boys that like me, i never really seem to like back. i think it's cuz i always want what i can't have. all the boys i like, i probably like because i know i can't have them. cuz honestly, it sorta scares me when i think that i actually have a chance at a relationship. yes i did date dylan and he liked me first. but that was rare. and i think that was a real jumpstart more than anything. cuz look at all the boys i like. i can't have any of them. yea i was interested in ben for that brief moment, but even then i knew that if it would form into a relationship of any sort, it was gonna be really fucking casual. so i wasn't too worried. the only person i've ever liked and not been afraid of a relationship was dan. like someone where i thought there was a chance. but even then most of the time i knew i was spinning my wheels. only until this past summer did it seem possible. but that very first night when i knew something was gonna happen, i was still really scared. cuz i knew that once we made out, that meant we were gonna be dating. and i freaked at first. but then i really enjoyed it. but i think with most boys i fear the relationship. the whole intimacy thing. scares me. i dunno. maybe that's why i enjoy josh so fucking much. there's this animal attraction yet it's totally without merit. there's no backbone of any sort. i dunno! i feel like a wreck. i'm gonna talk to dan about this more later when we go out for some late nite dessert. =) i called him up earlier thinking we might be able to get dinner but he had already began to cook his food. so we talked for a long time actually and i quite enjoyed our conversation. and now we shall have some lovely dessert later and continue our talk. it shall be good times. =)

gung hay fat choy!

today is chinese new years. the year of the goat apparently. why i thought the ram, i do not know. haha anyway, it's been a hectic week, that's for sure. and i am dead tired! yesterday i was running around non-stop. basically, i woke up and showering. went to the health center with emily and ky to sign up for free HIV testing. i am like 98% sure i don't have HIV but might as well get tested since it's free! anyway, after that i went to sally beauty to get fake eyelashes for the frat thing. then i went to target to get some silver eye makeup to go along with my outfit. then i rushed to vagrant only to find that there was nothing to do really cuz it was me, brandon, laura, and this mike guy i've never met. but it was really cool to see laura again! we caught up on gossipy things and whatnot. next week is her last week there so i think i'll stop by. yesterday was jeremy's last day and it was really sad. cuz he's soooo funny. me and laura were remembering the time when he was twirling a micstand and it was so cute and funny. aww jeremy. he will be missed. =( anyway, after vagrant, i rushed home to get ready for the frat function at LMU with joe. it took me longer to get ready than i thought cuz i had to get dressed and then apply all the makeup and fake eyelashes and do my hair! here is my final result.

kyla said i looked like a space girl. i can see that. my shoes aren't too visible in the photo but basically they are black and clunky. "moon" shoes as dad says. anyway, i left here at like 6:45 and didn't get to his place til aout 7:30. traffic was a total bitch. when i arrived, immediately i saw like 3 girls sitting outside their house all dressed up. here i was, rolling up in my little car with my space girl outfit on. joe came out and was NOT matching me as he said he would. he was in like vintage retro clothing. funky and cute, but not matching. but he said it was ok cuz i looked hot anyway. haha my skirt was so fucking short it was insane! oh well. anyway, so i went into the house and immediately realized that while it wasn't a true frat house, it basically was. he explained to me that 7 guys in the frat live there and that frats at LMU aren't allowed to have houses. so this is the closest they get to it. they had all the photos of past members and all that frat stuff on the walls. it was cleaner than a real frat house tho. anyway, so i went to his room first to see it. man, it was a fucking sweet room. i would like that room. if i was him, i would pimp that shit out. it's got like a little living space with a fireplace. a real fireplace!!! he has his own bathroom and decent sized closest. he's a techy guy so he has a lot of gadgets including a LARGE screen tv with tivo. he has a flat screen monitor for his computer which is mounted to this bendable arm thing on the wall so he can type on his wireless keyboard while in bed!! yeah, some nice shit. i was impressed. then we went to the kitchen to drink alcohol. i met matt and jamie who we caught a ride with to the restaurant.

by the time we got the restaurant, i was sorta drunk. the alcohol got to me fast since i hadn't eaten since breakfast! i met a bunch of his frat brothers and then we sat down in the dining space and chatted while we waited for the man to take EVERYONE'S orders. i was observing as much as i could. i realized that about half the guys there looked like regular frat guys and the other half didn't. an interesting mix. joe was the only "oddball" guy there other than one rushee who wore a tshirt and jeans. all the chicks hadonde or light brown hair and were wearing nice dresses. one girl was wearing tan colored corduroy pants with a black lingerie top. odd. i could tell people were looking at me cuz i totally didn't fit in. but fuck, that was fine by me. at least i didn't look like all the clones! haha and joe thinks i'm rad. so who cares. we chatted about various guys before or after i met them. and we just chatted in general. the food was alright. i got the chicken pasta dish. i was so full by the end that the alcohol wore off a bit. so i drank more. we opted not to dance and went for a walk on the beach. that was cool. he's big on the beach. we stayed out there for prolly like an hour. talked about random stuff. at this point i couldn't really tell what to think. we finally went back to the restaurant and caught a taxi home with one of his friends. the driver was a nice old man. we had a good chat with him. then i went back to his place and we went to his room. we decided to watch a movie. out of all the choices, i opted to watch mulholland drive for a second time cuz it was quirky and i figured it'd be good to watch again. altho it's so long i was certain one of us would fall asleep! so first we both got changed into more comfortable clothing. i brought stuff to sleep in cuz i knew i would be spending the nite. we watched the movie and both of us nodded off here and there. once it was over we chatted. i was sorta ready to sleep but i could tell he wasn't. at this point it was about 3:30am.

so we stayed up and chatted. i was sorta half asleep only in the sense that my eyes were closed as we talked about random crap and watched tv. we talked a lot about relationships and hookups and making out and stuff. and i could tell he liked me. just from the questions and comments. at one point he even said something about making out and how it was half a joke and half not. and how he had been wanting to kiss me all nite. i wasn't sure how to respond. cuz i realized at this point that he's cool and all, but not someone i want to date. there are no sparks. at least not for me. i know he's attracted to me. he even questioned why i've only had one bf in college because he thinks i'm attractive. so i know on his end he would prolly want to try dating. cuz he said how he hasn't met someone like me and i'm cool and blah blah blah. it's all nice and flattering but i just don't feel the same way. i have met people like him and i'm just not really attracted to him. so it's sad but true. but we talked a lot. til about 7am. by this point the sun is rising and i'm sitting there on the couch sorta upright and slouched and he's laying on me sorta. dan used to do this to me but i used to like dan too. so i didn't care. i didn't care this time either except that i just wanted to make sure joe didn't get any wrong ideas. altho i might not have responded well enough to his mentionings of making out and such. anyway, so he had offered me his bed and that he would sleep on the couch and i assumed that the offer still stood. i felt bad about kicking him out of his bed altho he did really want me to go with him to this thing. and so he knew that would happen. but before all the talks of hookups and making out and such, i just assumed we'd sleep together in the bed. no big deal. granted the bed is rather small, but i have done it before. but i thought if i offered up that idea, it would give him the wrong impression. instead, i laid down in the bed and he laid on the couch and we proceeded to discuss the idea of sleeping with others in a bed. so then i just thought it would be too weird. so i hogged the bed to myself and fell asleep. around 12 something i woke up and i had the feeling that i had heard joe talking on the fone outside earlier about me. but then i wasn't sure if it was a dream. but he told me that his friend called to tell him about the space shuttle accident. so then i thought perhaps i wasn't dreaming. perhaps he was telling the guy about me and what i said and asking what he should do. this is when i realized that maybe i shouldn't have been so wishy washy in my responses to the making out comments and such. cuz we were sorta half asleep laying around. and then he came up to me and knelt down by my bed and tried to kiss me!!! i didn't know what to do and so i sorta moved my head and turned away. oh god it was soooo awkward!!! =( so then we both sorta went back to sleep separately of course. i felt bad but didn't know what to do. it was getting on 2pm so i finally got dressed and we chatted for a bit longer before i said i should go. he apologized for trying to kiss me. i was hoping he just wouldn't mention it at all. i felt bad about it and just didn't want to bring it up. so he walked me to my car and i passed by some of the guys. i bet they thought we hooked up. haha whatever. hugged at the car and said goodbye. he said he'd call me. eh. whatever. quite dif than the ben experience. haha no sex propositions. i even told joe about my date with ben! haha but man yeah i'm tired. and i still have all this crap to do too! ugh!

oh and josh, daniel, jeremy, kevin, and travis are moving into their new apt today in hollywood. how cute. i hope i can see it soon. last nite the band had this gig for these label reps and important music ppl. i hope it went well. i have yet to talk to josh about it. i called him yesterday to wish him good luck. he very much so appreciated my thoughts for him considering he told a shitload of ppl about it and the only ppl that wished him good luck and such were his dad, his roommate, and me. he then asked about my big nite and what it was about cuz he doesn't understand the greek system at all. so i explained. i just assume everyone understand the rush process and such. but i guess not! hehe oh and one other thing i just realized. this is the second joey within the month to like me! my god!! weird!!