man, i slack off to so much now. just cuz i don't care. i got to vagrant like an hour late cuz i had to pick up my senior breakfast ticket on campus. so i got to vagrant late. but there really wasn't anything to do anyway. so me and joey ended up going to taco bell and then going to virgin on sunset where he works. we went so i could see this girl that he sorta likes. meanwhile i bought some badass postcards to stick on my new walls. i randomly walked by the music dvd section and saw the radiohead one which is titled meeting people is easy and made the comment out loud, "ha! meeting people is easy. that's a lie." and this guy heard me and started chatting with me. i bet i could have met him easily. haha man i have no game. no game at all. anyway, we finally got back to vagrant and did nothing really. when i left there i was driving home and i recognized a car i had seen before on the exact same street. it's cuz they have personalized plates that say "KNGS" and i remember seeing them like last week and doing a double take to see if it said "KNGS" or "KINGS." how odd for me to see the exact same car on the exact same street. we must be on the same schedule. how random. anyway, i feel a bit sick so i think i'm gonna lay down now. i hope i feel better tomorrow.

i had a really weird dream this morning and i tried really hard to remember it all, but as the minutes go on, the memory fades. but here goes:

so i was walking down hoover and near the corner at 30th street. for some reason, i stop and start talking to this guy who has been in a couple of my classes before. i think his name is david. i've never talked to him in real life though mind you. anyway, so david and i are talking and he starts saying something about how he had to buy this really small green car. and we are standing in front of it. it's like a small green hatchback sort of car with a spoiler. weird car for the type of guy he is. cuz he's sorta masculine looking. anyway, i have no idea why we are talking about this but i find myself staying there to talk longer because as i do, i get the sense that there is some sort of chemistry and connection between us. then he tells me to wait while he pees inside his house. so i wait outside while he pees. but then i can't wait longer so i approach the door to go inside and just as i do, i hear him say to his parents (yes, for some strange reason he lives with his parents right near school), "hey look. meet my new girlfriend." and i go inside and meet his parents who then promptly leave so we can be alone. i don't find any of this strange because i really sense the connection between us. and so we go to his room and chill and talk. and then we are like fussing around and goofing off and that then leads to making out. and so we're making out a bit and then i start laughing about all of it and we stop because also i think the windows are open or something and they face the street and i think people can see us. and i don't remember the rest of the dream.

i don't really have any clue what this is supposed to mean. why this david guy? i don't even know him and i don't think he's that cute. i remember seeing him in class thinking he's ok looking but nothing more. and that was like last semester. and how random to just start talking to someone and so instantly click with them. god i wish that would happen in the real world. anyhoot, either this dream just shows how much i really do want to find someone, or maybe it's a sign that i will find someone. haha probably the former. boo. on another note, i think i'm a bit sick. this blows!

yay! friendship is still in tact. the cute guy holding the party this saturday called me. and we just sold two of our unused kegs!

woohoo! i just bought my ticket to england. i'm going with jason. yay! may 28 - june 12. woo! at first i was gonna come back earlier than him but then i said, fuck it. how often do i go to england? not often. stay the few extra days. we have the same amount of spending cash, so if we go broke, we go broke together. =)

on another note. i just got a really weird email and i also think i may have lost a friend. wow!

our party made the DT!!!

just to clarify. "shit went down" in the previous post did not mean that did any drugs or made out with joey. it had to do with john. and that also had to do with my post about the harsh email. all cleared up. no more confusion.

i have been hearing so many good things about our party. so many people thought it was the best way to go. i agree. out with a fucking bang. helicopters and all. i love it. i eat it up. =) i went out with joey last nite to hollywood. cuz that's where he lives. and i ran into some sc kids who immediately complimented me on our party. woo! good times. it was fun hanging out with joey although i wish i could be there with him when he's totally in hollywood mode just to see what it's like. for one nite. i know i wouldn't be able to handle it more than once cuz there'd be all this bad shit going down. but it would be interesting to watch. like that really hot ian guy who played paul in rules of attraction. joey knows him from work and the gym. and so sometimes they go out to bars and stuff together. fuckin eh! i would love to go out with them that nite. see what that shit is like. anyhow, it was fun overall. got more drunk than i wanted to. some shit went down but i think it's all good now. i had to stay over at joey's cuz i couldn't drive home. i wasn't supposed to drink that much but then it just sorta happened and boom. crashing on the couch.

warning: what you are about to read may sound like fiction. but i can assure you, every bit of it is true.

orange:house. the last party ever. =( it went well-ish. here's what happened. so a lot of people actually showed up early. at like 10pm. but it didn't start filling out til about 11pm. lots of people i knew came which made it hard for me to talk to any one person for too long. that sucked. but i knew that would happen. me and michael had the goal to meet new people and not sleep alone. we failed. but it wasn't entirely our fault!!! as the time went on, more and more people came and it was super fucking crowded. probably about the size of our other parties now looking at the recap footage. yes, we took video. we mounted a camera to the side of the house and videotaped the party on the outside. we also put up a sign that said "adios muthaf*ckas." our neighbor ryan was making a documentary of the party and interviewed all of us and took footage as well. we had 4 kegs this time. all chained up outside. we didn't think that would be enough because at the last minute, the front house bailed on having the party with us. and the middle house girls didn't want it either. so consequently it was us buying 3 kegs and the middle house boys buying one. for the amount of people there, we were sure that they would be tapped by midnight. but such was not the case. i shall explain in a bit. so anyway, i walked around a lot mingling. got lots of compliments on my new haircut. i found frances and adrian from marketing and pulled them into my room to do some shots. those shots did me in since i had already eaten a bunch of jello shots and whatnot. i saw mario for like 2 seconds which sucked. =( i saw a lot of people who i talked to a bit and then said i would see them later but it just never happened. i talked to damien a long time about john and stuff. we won't get into that. i saw a few cute boys wandering around and i wanted to talk to them but there was no time! the one cute boy who used to work at jamba juice freshman year was at the party. i wanted to talk to him and i actually tried. but this was just around the time where the party got really fucked up.

right before midnight a bunch of cops started coming. and we started to hear a helicopter in the sky. yes, a HELICOPTER!!! they were hovering over our house with a spotlight. there were like 8 cop cars too. they all came with their rubber gun thingys and pushed everyone out of the house. so i couldn't talk to the boy. =( and i also couldn't find like most of the people i knew. but at least i ran into brian and his crew. and rick and jessica. everyone was hoarded out into the street where there was also an AMBULANCE and a FIRETRUCK! apparently they blocked off the whole street and wouldn't let people come down it for fear that even more people would go to the party. how fucking crazy is this shit? and it all happened right around midnight. therefore we still have a crapload of beer left. dear god! our last party ever and it's broken up at like midnight. rumor has it that someone tipped off the cops and that's how they knew to come so early and also with so much force. i mean, 8 cop cars. come on! and a fucking HELICOPTER! that's a bit excessive. just a bit. so we were all out on the street trying to figure out what to do. i went with brian and his crew to del taco. i don't really remember the details of getting there. before we got into his car i recall a lot of walking and yelling in the street. i ran into brandon who i bummed some chapstick off and complained how it was too watery. del taco was a bit busy and i was super drunk. pat drove jessica's car there i think. some guy tried to start fighting wakerly. we went back to our house and i basically just passed out after a little bit. i was really drunk and tired. and upset that our party ended so early. i wanted to meet boys! talk to jamba juice guy. =( boo!!!

but overall i must say it was really fucking rad that we created so much chaos. what a way to go out. no matter what happens, people are gonna remember that shit for time to come. i bet stories about our house will be like urban legends. the helicopter will turn into one with a megaphone hovering a few feet over our house. the 8 cop cars will turn into a swat team with masks and stuff. haha maybe i shouldn't think so highly of our house. but fuck. who else in this fuckin area gets a helicopter to break up their party? not even the frats!!!

ADIOS MUTHAFUCKAS!!! =)

drivers on the road are fucking morons!

earlier today i sent a really harsh email.

our last party ever *tear* is tonight! let's all get laid! =)

no scratch that. i feel so unwanted...

sometimes i feel so lonely...

i've been really up and down lately. u'd think i was bi-polar or something. can someone just develop that at any point in their life? maybe that's me. fuck. i don't want to be bi-polar. that means medication. but anyway. brian came over and talked to me for a long time. that made me feel better in the end. just talking. i don't know why i have been so up and down lately. i'm sure part of it has to do with graduation. but there's gotta be more than that. i dunno. i made jello shots. so anyone that wants some, come on over and get them before they are gone! =)

i'm sick of people.

fuck off.

HOLY SHIT!!! i am officially done with all my academic assignments at USC. omg. what a strange feeling. all i have left are finals. so that means reading and studying. but no actual assignments. good fucking god. it seemed this day would NEVER come. not that i am so thrilled for college to end. it's just surreal. one take home final and one final exam and i am done. whoa. really fucking weird. time to sleep and start a new, stressfree day. =)

bored in class with nothing to do. FINALLY, there is nothing for me to do for marketing. i wish i was home doing shit that i need to do before i go to the first look festival tonight with rick. oooh i found something to do. evals! woo! mindless computer work.

ever since i heard this song, it really gets to me when i listen to it. makes me think back to the first time i actually recognized it. i own the cd that it's on, but i never really heard the song until it was played for me one day. it's soooo good. so beautiful. so soothing. so sad...

simonize
- pete yorn

hey,
don't take your life away,
i think you'd rather stay,
then follow me into the alleyway,
we were passers on the street,
i never thought we'd meet until i said,
"how do you do, my love?",
you'll fall,
you'll fall,
hey don't stop and turn away,
i'm sure you'd rather stay,
than follow me into the alleyway,
we were passers on the street,
don't turn it into grief,
just follow me into disaster,
you'll fall,
you'll fall,
fall....
hey don't look and turn away,
lose your life today and follow me into the alleyway,
you should turn and walk with me,
i'll even follow him,
in search of wretched grand disaster,
simonize

work has begun on graduation "sentiments." i use that term because i wouldn't necessarily say that i am getting people gifts. but those that are important enough will feel the love in some way or another.

the end is near. woo! all i have left is one more written assignment and two finals. one of which is take home. basically i have to go see a bunch of student films and write about them. schmooze with some folks there and get two business cards. then that completes my internship class. cuz marisa at vagrant already mailed back my evaluation. so i'm basically done. woo! my last day there is gonna be may 7th. i'm stoked. no more free labor! my last day at starbucks is may 4th. no more serving coffee! marketing class is basically over for me. i did my shit and now it's up to the higher ups in the class to formalize it and make a presentation. i'll just sit back and watch. or maybe i'll be the clicker again. who knows. either way, it's a no brainer. woo! 497 is the take home final. hopefully it won't be too hard. the one i worry about the most is econ. i HAVE to do decently well on this fucker to ensure i pass the class. god it would suck to just barely not pass and have to take summer school. good god. i fucking hate econ and a whole group of us are gonna get together and do some hardcore studying. name the 4 of us who are also in marketing. yes that's right folks. marketing consumed so much of our time that consequently we are all doing miserably in econ. doesn't that just fucking blow? umm...yeah, it does. anyway, with essentially not much real work to do before finals, i can just basically fuck around all i want. that's awesome considering soon enough it'll all be over and social life will be very different. =(

having a fucking awesome convo with joe at like 3 in the morn. gotta love it. =)

fuck me! thanks to pat for finding this mood-light thing for me. god damned this shit is fucking rad. if only it wasn't so expensive i would totally get 9 panels for my house. fuck. reasons to make a good salary when i get older. nice house with nice modern furniture and awesome mood lighting. =)

woohoo! i'm officially 22. =) well, technically not til 10:02pm but whatever. close enough. last nite was fun. birthday bar hoppin. good stuff. it was me, emily, jessica, ky, dom, and brian as the DD. we all crammed into ky's car and emily was sitting in the trunk space with no seatbelt. i had called john earlier and he told me that he was going to the beauty bar and star shoes with his buddies which is where we were going too. so of course we met up at some point. first we went to star shoes. the infamous bar with fancy shoes all over. it wasn't as cool as i hoped it would be, but i liked it. the crowd was a bit dressier and older than at beauty bar. the music was super loud which was probably the biggest downfall. u couldn't hold a conversation without shouting. but otherwise it wasn't too bad. we stayed there a bit. me, emily, and jessica were trying to figure out ways to get guys to buy us drinks. but we didn't wanna have to dance with them and stuff. and we couldn't get past their unattractiveness. so whatever. dome bought me a birthday drink though. that was nice! =) we left eventually and when we left there was a line outside. we went to the beauty bar and the first person i ran into was this guy named zoh who i worked with freshman year at trojan vision. i see him at all the parties but it was weird to see him at the bar. we chatted for a moment. then i joined my crowd who, by that time, had run into john and his boys. john gave me a huge hug and wished me happy birthday. he then got me a drink. meanwhile we all stood around and looked at the projection screen which was this nasty night of the living dead type movie. yuck! star shoes had projections too actually. first it was this old school video of kids jump roping. i dug that. then it was this claymation stuff which i didn't like. anyway, so the beauty bar was pretty empty for some reason. perhaps easter. who knows. ky and dom sorta separated themselves from us and didn't look like they had a good time. i didn't really know what to say about that because they didn't join our crowd. at 1:45am the clocks in the bar said 2am and they kicked us all out. i saw john from afar so i waved goodbye. but he wanted me to come over cuz he wanted to eat together. i said we were going to bosa nova cuz i wanted fried plantains. so he told me to inform his buddies of this. so i did. and we agreed to meet there.

so here's the wild ride. we all hop into our car and we are driving down sunset. we're seriously like one block away from bosa nova when out of nowhere, this fucking car nearly hits us. like if we had gone any faster, either we would have hit him or he would have hit us. cuz we were going straight, of course, and this car like all of a sudden is going like 60 mph perpendicular to traffic and slams straight into the sidewalk and the newstands there and such. it was crazy. like in a movie. we were all sorta freaking out internally for a moment thinking how we could have been hit and basically some of us could have died. cuz he was going really fast and like emily was sitting in kyla's trunk area with no seatbelt. it was freaky! so yea. we went to bosa nova and ordered our food. john came and sat behind us. the food was good. i was really hungry and me and jessica split a pizza. man i love the pizza there. i didn't have enough room in my stomach for fried plantain dessert though. oh well. next time. emily got a plate of mushrooms which was sorta funny and brian got this breaded block of cheese. it was way too rich to handle. john's group left right before we did and he asked me if we wanted to go to a party with him in los feliz. i wanted to but i knew no one else did so i passed. then rick came to join us with dwayne just as we left. then we just went home. i got all snug into bed and had my music playing. then prolly like 30-45min later my phone rings. it's john! he just called to make sure i got home safe. at least i think that's what he said. i was like half asleep. nice gesture but woke me up. oh well. whatever.

today is lazy day. just sit around. get phone calls and emails wishing me happy birthday. prolly do a bit of homework. nothing big. i think i might get a new cell phone with my birthday money. we shall see.

wow. i was really drunk last nite. good stuff. and when i came home and slept, i dreamt that i went to bed so early and woke up at like 9am and the party was still going on so i went back to skatebot. and that was the time when brian was taking that econ girl home. how odd. but home like for the nite. not, home like post-night. yea, weird. hehe last nite was fun. always good times at skatebot. and always me not wanting to leave but having to or else i'd miss the boat and have to walk alone. and fuck me if i'm gonna do that! wouldn't it be so weird if like that mike guy called me and we started hanging out. i know it wouldn't happen, but if it did, then it'd be like me and brian meeting our ppl at the goddamned honda element event. it would mean that fucking thing was good for something after all! haha but alas this will not be the case. at least on my end. eh. whatever. i really do want a bf, but i can't help but be attracted to the guys who are not the right type. ugh! always attracted to guys who lots of girls are attracted to and therefore they wanna play the field. fuck, i don't blame them. get all the ass you can while you still have it. =) but nevertheless, i need to find a boy who is bf material. and that's so goddamned hard these days. at least for me and my ways. bah!

ok. let's try to make this blog entry perfect despite drunkeness. that means a LOT of backspacing. a LOT. anyway, ok so lots of parties. i only went to two. basically there was skatebot and ellendale. now, i would have stayed at skatebot the whole time but then that would mean a long and lonely walk home. admitedly, i would have loved to stay there and stay with brian. yes i will outwardly admit this, but the girl he digs from his econ class was there along with her twin, and i personally cannot get in the way of that. i mean i can dig a threesome, but not a foursome. hehe cuz he said that i could stay at his place and sleep on his other couch. and i said that i would most likely fall because it is raised. he was like, yea you fall onto my bed which isn't bad. and yes this is true. but i can't fall onto this bed if some other chick is there. or chicks, plural. no no. if i'm in any way in bed with brian, it should be alone. haha yes i am saying this. i don't care. we joke about sex and make sexual references and inuendo all the time. no worries. anyway, so also there is this guy mike who was at the party. and i met him at the honda element event. and he's sorta cute in that alternative way. he's got a lip ring which i dig. i talked to his roommate and friends a bit and then right as i was about to leave skatebot i talked to him because ultimately, he's the one i wanted to talk to the most out of the lot. so we chatted a bit about him apparently stripping down to a g-string sometimes. he said he wouldn't be doing it at my party but maybe his own. ooh la la. haha g-strings on men are not hot. so whatever. we discuss the dynamics of sex without fully taking off clothes. yes, this came up. ie, him whipping it out with his pants down but boxers on. and me shifting my panties to the side. yea, umm i dunno how we got to that. anyway, so i posted his party on our site awhile back but he now wants to modify it and stick the bands on. so of course this leads to the exchange in phone numbers. so yea. at first i just got his cuz he didn't have a cell phone and neither of us had pen or paper. so i was like, ok i'll get your number and call you. of course tomorrow i would have been like, umm hmm. do i really wanna call his guy? but then he was like, no no. i should get your number too. so then i asked like 5 guys for a pen. finally one had it. then i needed paper. and ian came to the rescue with an index card. so yea. he has my number. so now he has to call me. anyway, rick saw him and already disapproves because he looks like an asshole. yeah, what can i say? always attracted to the fucking assholes. or the ones who don't want relationships. boo. it's like john. he's not an ass, but really, he's not bf material. at least not right now. doesn't that blow? brian is totally bf material. too bad we are close friends. anyway, so maybe i should have stayed at the skatebot house cuz really, the ellendale party was mostly gay guys. i totally forgot that the only reason i had fun at their party last time was cuz the skatebot boys were there and i basically talked to brian like 75% of the time. oh well. so here i am. alone. about to sleep. with no one to love. =( hehe forever single because i pick the wrong boys. boo. dan was at the party as well as that joe guy from LMU. that was sorta weird. joe will be at our next party. whatever. he got the hint when i pulled back from his kiss that one time. but it's ok. he's nice. and dan. well i just can't help but think that shit's weird btwn us. like last nite was weird. tonight was weird. forever it will be weird i fear. sad. =( i guess that's what happens. oh well.

oh! i ran into nick today at urban outfitters. he was getting my bday gift since we always exchange gifts from there. so basically he just handed it to me. we haven't seen each other in a long time. he was there with my linh. so we hung out. got lunch at johnny rockets. then went to his house to chill. some of his other friends came over. we watched one hour photo on rental. it was weird. i didn't like it much. anyway, i don't have much else to say really. i wish i was hooking up with someone. moreover, i wish i was fucking john right now. yea i said that. cuz it's true. i don't give a shit. he's hot. he knows it. and i wanna be fucking him now. but whatever. c'est la vie. time to sleep....alone. boo! hehe

boo. the sake extravaganza was not what i thought it would be at all. i didn't have much fun tonight. my tummy hurt and i think it was a combination of stress and just the sake smell. i really couldn't deal with it. bleh. john did end up coming and it was fine. but yea, i didn't have fun. it makes me sad. tonight was supposed to be great drunkeness. but instead it was drunkeness for others and just boredom for myself. i barely drank because the mere smell of the sake was making me sick to my stomach and no use in puking. perhaps tomorrow will be better at skatebot house.

sake bombing tonight! woo!!! john sorta through a wrench into the situation but i got it cleared up with an awkward phone call to a guy who comes in and out of the orange:house life so much. now we shall see if john shows up or if he'll be pissed at me for doing that. if he is he can go fuck himself cuz in that case, i have major beef with him anyway.

i just read jessica's blog entry about her award winning elephant book she made in kindergarten and this got me thinking about how when i was a little kid i won a bunch of art type awards. like when i was in preschool i remember doing some drawing and winning some ribbon type award and going on stage in front of all these asian people (it was a predominently asian preschool) and collecting my award. and then i also remember entering a contest where i drew this ice cream cone thing. and it won something and was displayed at the macy's in downtown san francisco. and i remember going to the display case and my dad taking a picture of me looking at it. wow. the memories are flooding back! i also remember i entered this contest for the san francisco chronicle about outdoors stuff and i won second place and it was on display at the outdoors showcase thing and i won this backpack and i thought it was the coolest backpack. i still have it! it's not that cool but it's pretty durable. and i used to enter a bunch of like art contests in coloring books and stuff and win random prizes. man, i was quite the art contest slut when i was a wee kid. and then somewhere along the road i went astray and got sucked into the world of business. and here i am griping about my major and going back to art school no less. back to my roots! what the fuck was i thinking becoming a business major? good god. i have no idea! thanks jessica for sparking those memories for me. =)

the moon looked gorgeous earlier. it was so big and round and low in the clear blue sky. it was a harvest moon too. sorta yellow colored. if i hadn't been driving, i would have taken a picture. cuz it was just so beautiful. now i must get to studying. boo hoo. i'm tired. =( but i must. it's econ and i MUST do well.

exactly one month til graduation. *sigh*

i am in LOVE with this song. it's so sad but i love it soooo much.

pictures of you
- the cure

i've been looking so long at these pictures of you
that i almost believe that they're real
i've been living so long with my pictures of you
that i almost believe that the pictures are
all i can feel

remembering you
standing quiet in the rain
as i ran to your heart to be near
and we kissed as the sky fell in
holding you close
how i always held close in your fear
remembering you
running soft through the night
you were bigger and brighter and whiter than snow
and screamed at the make-believe
screamed at the sky
and you finally found all your courage
to let it all go

remembering you
fallen into my arms
crying for the death of your heart
you were stone white
so delicate
lost in the cold
you were always so lost in the dark
remembering
you how you used to be
slow drowned
you were angels
so much more than everything
hold for the last time then slip away quietly
open my eyes
but i never see anything

if only i'd thought of the right words
i could have held on to your heart
if only i'd thought of the right words
i wouldn't be breaking apart
all my pictures of you

looking so long at these pictures of you
but i never hold on to your heart
looking so long for the words to be true
but always just breaking apart
my pictures of you

there was nothing in the world
that i ever wanted more
than to feel you deep in my heart
there was nothing in the world
that i ever wanted more
than to never feel the breaking apart
all my pictures of you

i don't really have much to say but i just don't feel right. something feels off. not technically. not like my body is revolting and i feel like crap. just emotionally something seems askew. i can't pinpoint it but it's like i have no will to do anything and i feel sad. perhaps it's the realization that in one month and one day i am graduating. i really don't know. but i do feel sad. and i do feel apathetic towards school. i don't even really feel like bitching anymore about marketing. blah.

this week is either gonna be really long, or fly by. basically everyday i have something to do. tomorrow i have to wake up early and go with lo and michael to the housing place again and show lo the place we wanna live. hopefully he will like it and then that means we'll all have to go back tuesday and turn in the paperwork. but excluding that, when i get back from the housing place i have to go to campus and collect my graduation tickets and then pass out post-event surveys to people in my professor's other class. then i have to jet off to vagrant to intern for 6 hours or whatever. come home and study for my 497 quiz which i have on tuesday. and then if we are getting the townhouse to live at, we gotta go back to park la brea sometime tuesday to turn in the paperwork. wednesday i have to intern and then jet off to the art institute for my interview since i cancelled it on friday due to my intense hangover. when i return, i have to study for my econ 350 quiz which i MUST do well on. so thursday i have that quiz. then maybe i'll go somewhere quick and look for a cute top or something to wear that nite because me and jason are having a joint bday celebration that nite with sake bombing. oh yea, i gotta pick up the sake somewhere along the line too! the sake bombing should be good fun. =) then friday, if i didn't find anything cute to wear on thursday, i might go look again. or maybe get my hair cut. cuz it needs it. or maybe go out and get a new cell phone since i really want a new small one. whatever, something will be done during the day. at night, i might go to jason's birthday dinner. although i don't really like the stinking rose that much. so we'll see. regardless, that night is the skatebot house party. so i'll be hitting that shit up. =) yet again more alcohol. this will be quite the alcoholic weekend i must say. hehe then saturday i will recover during the day. then at nite i think i want to round up a crew and hit up some bars in hollywood. i really wanna see what this star shoes place is like. apparently there are shoes everywhere and i think u can even buy them if u can afford them. it's close to the beauty bar which i'd wanna go to if john was going cuz that means free drinks. not to mention jessica and kyla still haven't been there yet and i want them to see it. so that could potentially be another really drunken nite. that will be my other bday celebration because once it hits midnight and technically rolls into sunday, it'll be my bday and i should be well intoxicated at that point. woo! cuz sunday is my real birthday but it's a sunday and ppl don't really party or do shit that day. i did however get the day off of work. perhaps i can hang out with josh or something. who knows. i'll figure that out. anyway, so there is a lot of shit going on this week. lots of social stuff. good times. the school year is winding down and nearly over and it's really sad. i had a moment in the shower the other day. =( i don't want people to leave!!! =(

tonight did not go anything like i thought it would. first of all, there was a disjointed situation. basically all my friends were split up with different things to do. so i had to decide who to hang out with. i opted to go with emily to this party in los feliz. the same party i went to months ago when i met ben. so it turned out that it was going to be me, emily, adam, jessica, and kevin. a random smattering of people. so we all went and right outside the place some chick backs into me. no damage was done. but still, is my car a fucking magnet for other cars? i just don't get it. anyway, so we went inside and it wasn't as fun as the last time we went. the music wasn't as good or something and there was no open bar. drinks cost money. that didn't matter to me because i was driving. but for the rest it sucked. we stayed there til about 1:30am and then decided we were bored and left. we all went back to adam's place and ben was there. he got into a car accident or something and that's why he didn't go to the party. his hair is longer. he looked better than before. less like a rat. adam's brother gabriel joined us and everyone except me and jessica were drinking more at adam's place. meanwhile, john called me and told me that he was going to fred 62 and asked me if we were going. we were and so i said i'd see him there. once we left adam's place emily started going a bit nuts. here's what happened.

see, when i was talking to john, i had said that i was with "a bunch of random people." and emily didn't like being called random. but the reason i said i was with random people was 1) i was in a house that i had only ever been to once. 2) to john they are random people because he doesn't know any of them. 3) they are a random assortment of people who all really don't know each other that well. 4) i really don't know gabriel, ben, or even adam that well really. but emily didn't like my usage of the word "random" and i think that tipped her off. she started going on about how the next time she saw john she was gonna go hug him and kiss him and all this crap and say how she knows who he his and stuff. and so i told her that he was gonna be at fred 62 and so then she started running and trying to get there before me to get a heads up on doing this. and so of course i'm a bit paranoid that she will embarass me but i wasn't about to run after her. as we got really close to the place, john and marc were standing outside and from afar i could see emily looking around trying to recall which one john was. she found him and went up to him and started hugging him and crap. and then i got closer and marc said something about "nice intro" or something like that. so then i quietly tried to explain to john that emily was really drunk and stuff but she heard me and started screaming that she wasn't drunk and all that. john's name was called for a table so he went inside and then i noticed he and marc were with these chicks. they weren't cute either. so as we try to get our name down for a table, he comes up to me and tells me how he doesn't wanna be with these girls and that he got us a table under the name "harold" and that he wanted to sit with me and stuff. but then emily barges in and interrupts our conversation and john takes it in stride. so then he goes back to his table and i try to get us all to just stand outside and wait cuz emily is being really loud. but then she goes back in and starts talking to john's table and now i think they aren't as thrilled. and so i go back in to try and get her to leave, and she won't come with me. so then adam goes in and gets her. but then we just think that perhaps we shouldn't stay. cuz emily is screaming and she doesn't want adam to touch her and it's just a mess. so then we decide to just leave. we walk a couple blocks and i call john to tell him we aren't staying. he was upset about that cuz he wanted to hang out and meanwhile emily is screaming in the background about being sorry and all this stuff. and i tell him that seeing as how she was being all loud like that, we just had to go. so he says ok and we hang up. we get a couple blocks away and emily starts crying cuz she's sorry for being so loud and having outbursts. she knows she's drunk but she also knows that she normally isn't like that. but she doesn't know why she's acting that way. adam says that the rest of us can go back and that he'll deal with her. and so after a few minutes deliberation, me, jessica, kevin, and gabriel go back. of course now john has told the waitress that we aren't coming and we almost lose our booth. but we got there in time to save it and we got our booth. but now we're on opposite sides of the place of john. so we order our food and he comes by to chat a bit. meanwhile, emily comes back midway and is crying and apologizing for everything. and all of us at the table are feeling awkward about it cuz we didn't think a drunken, crying apology was necessary of her. then she goes and does the same at john's table. so we eat our food. he comes by again and seems upset about having to be with all those girls he doesn't know. and so he's just sorta leaning on me and stuff. we both finish our meals at about the same time cuz he comes by as we are settling our bill and he says he's leaving. so we say goodbye. but then we leave and he's outside waiting for marc to pee. so then we say goodbye again. we walk back to the car. i take kevin home. jessica comes back here to get her car to go home. and here i am. typing this all out. so what a nite! totally NOT what i expected. always crazy times at fred 62. haha time for sleep.

last nite was a bit intense. we rounded up a small crew from class and went to the 2-9. me and brian pre-drank over here and i took 5 shots! i got the 2-9. had 2 more drinks there and was totally hammered. it was fun though. we all were having a good time. frances came! i was so happy. she's so fun. we had a good time. in the end we didn't know what to do since the 2-9 closes at midnight. we finally ended up back here at my place. john didn't come cuz he had to wake up early today for court. but the rest came back. we did another shot. talked. and finally everyone left around like 2am i think it was. i dunno. i was wasted. i woke up this morning with a really intense hangover. i had to reschedule my appt at the art institute. me and michael went out and looked at this place to live. and it's really sweet. a 4 bedroom townhouse at the park la brea apts. man i wanna live there. i hope lo and rick do too when they get back. cuz we have to jump on this shit. but it would be really sweet to live there. the man at the leasing office actually knows john! he knows mike who is john's friend and mike lives at the la brea apts. so he knows john too. what a small fucking world. haha tonight there are a slew of parties but i don't think i can get wasted cuz i was so out of it last nite. so whatever. we'll see. oh and lydia called me and she's moving to san fran for the summer. so i'll totally go back home for a bit and visit her and ky and mel and stuff. good times. =)

our event is OVER!!! woo!!! we worked so hard and it really paid off. our event kicked ass. we kicked ass. so many people came and they actually liked it. some people were there for hours. seriously. i saw them around like all day. it was insane. so good. we had some road bumps at first. like the rock climbing wall was in the wrong place. but i got the man to move it to the right place for us. the more visible place. so that was good. the sponsors showed up at the last second before the event started which was nerve-racking. but it worked out. noah looked so spiffy dealing out the blackjack. KROQ got a lot of attn. the band was good. lots of people climbed the wall. the man working it kept trying to get me to do it. i finally tried at the end after i convinced myself that maybe i could actually pull myself up the wall. that maybe i was strong enough. of course halfway up the wall i realize that i can do it. i can go all the way. oh wait a minute. i'm afraid of heights!!! that didn't even enter into my mind and so then i was freaking out and didn't wanna go any higher but also didn't wanna come down. oh man i was panicking. the tattoo people got so much business. everyone loved them. they gave us marketing kids free fake tattoos. and i got a barcode on my neck. here is a photo:

my job was supposed to be taking photos of people with the foam finger to put on the website. but no one wanted to do it cuz they couldn't win anything. so after a bit me and this other girl said fuck it and i started taking pictures of the event. so basically i got to walk around the whole time which was awesome. i didn't ever have to sit somewhere. at noon i registered to play the huge twister game in the middle of campus. it really was real. it was made out of colored plastic plates. here is a photo:

a lot of people played and the idea was that if enough people could play we'd get into the guiness book of world records. in the end it turned out to be a skull and dagger annual prank but i didn't care cuz i like playing twister. i LOVE twister. so fuck it. it was fun. twister with like a hundred people. fucking rad. anyway, our event turned out really well. we are all proud of ourselves. and all a bit tired i'm sure. here are some group shots from the end of the event. one cheesy and one silly:

i came home and showered and now i'm totally ready to drink like a fish. oh baby! i'm a bit tired but that won't stop me. it's celebration time. woo! =)

so much shit to say! the element events are here. one was last nite and one is today. i'm so busy!!! it's really early in the morning and i shouldn't be awake but i am because of this event stuff. hats off to brian for actually working starting at 6am. although i had to be up when he called me so he could pick up my stuff for the event. so i'm not sure what's worse. and last nite after our event a few of us went to the standard downtown for food and drinks. the first post-event celebration. tonight will be the second. and much more alcoholic i'm sure. =) the standard downtown has really awesome furniture like the one on sunset. i dig it. i could definitely go back. john is a regular there and knows one of the waitresses. oh and it was funny when he walked in he answered the phone for them and took down a reservation. u had to be there. me and brian thought that was some funny shit. oh and so remember how i said that jeremy said randomly in class one day that john is cool and i should hook up with him. and then he asked if i did and i just didn't say anything. well last nite in the car on the way to the standard, we are talking about how jeremy is rich and i start saying stuff about him and john and brian are like, "so you know jeremy? like from before?" and i said yes and went on. and then they basically asked if i had hooked up with jeremy. and so i just kept going with my story and didn't answer which they of course know means i have. it's just awkward saying that shit. and moreover, the whole story with jeremy and andy. i just don't feel like getting into it. not with two boys. i could tell them each individually, but when u have two boys listening to ya, they will most definitely make funky comments. cuz the situation with jeremy and andy was indeed funky. anyway, john's ex was at the standard and he was totally trippin. when we came back we had a bit of a car swap snafu since i was driving john's car cuz i said the boys could drink. but then my car was parked by school. so we had to take brian home first and then i got my car and john drove his slightly intoxicated for a few blocks. so i followed him home to make sure he was safe. and then there was this confusion. yadda yadda yadda (have you seen the "yadda yadda yadda" seinfeld episode???), 6:30am rolls around and brian calls me to get my shit and i'm sprinting home so he doesn't have to wait too long. and let's just say that john has the worst timing ever. honestly, the worst.

aside from boys, the nite event went well. not enough food to keep the masses there the whole time. but shaun's band, pants optional, did a great job. ppl liked them. we had a contest that ppl partook in. i met these guys who live on 36th street. one of them was marginally attractive. mike i think his name was. his house is having a huge end of school party on may 3rd and they are having bands play and asked if i thought pants optional would play. and totally they would. so i told him to talk to shaun and tell him that i sent him over. cuz i know shaun. and then i mentioned how my house is having a huge last party and he asked where i live. i said 29th street in an orange house. and they were like, "oh you live in the orange:house." and so then they mentioned the website and postings on it. and i was like, "yeah i do the website." so he wrote me out this little party description for their party. sounds like it will be good. i'll be sure to make an appearance. see, look what the honda element can do for ya. this event shit wasn't all for not. haha event prep starts for me in 1.5 hours. ugh!

bored + lazy = discontent

after going with john to AT&T to get his new phone i have decided that i totally want a new phone. there are so many small and cool looking ones out there. and more so, they are on a new GSM network which is better and clearer quality. so if i got a new phone my service would switch to GSM. i really need to get on this shit. as soon as i get my life together and get some money. hehe on that note, i'm quitting starbucks soon and am gonna apply to work at urban outfitters. i hope they have openings. i think they would hire me. they wanted to the last time i applied. i just didn't have the availability. but now i will! man i wanna work there. the people seem chill and i want the fat discount. haha

so apparently there is this big twister thing on campus the day of our element event. right smack in the middle of the day in the middle of campus. if this is true, i NEED to play. i LOVE twister. i want out of my event job for 30 minutes to play. end of story. case closed. i'll demand it. i do so much shit for this class. they can at least give me that!

if my dreams mirrored my life, then step by step i'd be thisclose to dating my friend.

spring fever. what can i say? hehe

closer
- nine inch nails

you let me violate you.
you let me desecrate you
you let me penetrate you.
you let me complicate you

help me
i broke apart my insides.
help me
i've got no soul to sell
help me
the only thing that works for me.
help me get away from myself

i want to fuck you like an animal
i want to feel you from the inside
i want to fuck you like an animal
my whole existence is flawed
you get me closer to god

you can have my isolation.
you can have the hate that it brings
you can have my absence of faith.
you can have my everything

help me
you tear down my reason.
help me
it's your sex i can smell
help me
you make me perfect.
help me become somebody else

i want to fuck you like an animal
i want to feel you from the inside
i want to fuck you like an animal
my whole existence is flawed
you get me closer to god

all through the forest, above the trees
within my stomach.
scraped off my knees
i drink the honey inside your hive
you are the reason i stay alive

i now understand how men can think two attractive women making out is a really hot thing. i always never understood how lesbian porn was so attractive. but last night i saw the light. last night was just like the rest of this weekend. a total wash in terms of SC parties. brian and josh at skatebot wanted to go out and do something and they suggested going to a bar. so i suggested the beauty bar because it's the best bar i've ever been too. it's not too big and upscale like all the sunset bars. and it's not all dark and seedy. so the three of us set out. josh was the DD which was great! we found parking on the street right away and in we went. the whole area was totally hopping with lots of people out at the various bars around that area. once we got inside the bar we ran into john and his hot friend marc like right away. part of me thought they might be at the bar only cuz i know they go there sometimes. but maybe they go there more often than i think! anyway, my point about this whole lesbian stuff is that john and marc are really good friends. and they touch each other a LOT. they hug and kiss each other and omg it's so hot. the first time i met marc i didn't really see this going on. maybe i was too blitzed out of my mind. i don't know. but last nite they were always touching each other. just like two hot gay men would. and i thought it was super hot. indeed. i asked brian if that was wrong of me to think that. and he likened it to the lesbian thing. so now i totally understand. anyway, the night was pretty fun. john got us free drinks. wee! brian wanted to meet chicks and john would hop in there and just start talking with them and bring brian in too. i ran into asa of all people. that was awesome. =) john was hitting on some chick named zoe. later on josh made the comment, "this guy must get laid a lot." not totally true but he could if he wanted. john looked so funny last nite. he had his hair combed to one side. he was wearing jeans and like two tshirts and a sports coat over it. with new balance shoes. if his hair was just a bit more funky, he'd totally fit in with the "urban hipster" los feliz crowd. haha anyhoot, we left the bar at closing. john and his friends were gonna go to fred 62 or bosa nova. i wanted to go cuz late night post drinking food is always good. but the boys wanted to go home. i couldn't go with john cuz he was going home home afterward which wouldn't work out. so i came home and totally crashed and lost an hour of important sleep due to day light savings time. now it's time to get cracking on 497 work. man i'm such a slacker!

last nite me and ky went out to get meatloaf at the cadillac cafe. and it was really really good. but man were we full afterward. it was gross. and then we got cookies and ate those and we felt so icky. nothing was really going on, so we invited people to come over and drink. brian and dom came over from skatebot house. DA came over to accompany michael. jason came over. and later on ryan, our neighbor, came over. me and ky were such bad company cuz we kept making funny noises due to our tummies hurting and such. i drank a smirnoff 40 and was a bit tipsy. mostly the food just caught my alcohol though. i ended up sleeping on the couch cuz i was so comfortable. i had the weirdest dreams last nite too. i can't really remember exactly what was happening but i know a LOT of familiar faces were in the dream. josh and brian were in it. band josh that is. i recall josh and i about to make out and then my dad, of all people, comes into the room and says how i will not be having sex in his house, or something like that. how embarassing! i recall trying to get into this HUGE LMU club/party thing. it was like LMU had this club near campus where EVERYONE goes and it's hard to get in cuz there are so many people. and i don't go to the LMU so it's even harder. and i was with some girl who does but then i couldn't get in. and then i just didn't care cuz it was going on and on and on and i just wanted to go home. but i was so far from home. and it was just a mess. i dunno. i had weird dreams. probably having to do with last nite but who knows.

my marketing professor wants to duplicate me! haha never heard that one before. =)

blah. i hate when i take a nap and wake up feeling all icky and groggy. it sucks. and it just happened. now i gotta fill out my art institute application. BORING. i wish i had something to do. it's thursday nite! oh well. if i was an alcoholic i'd try myself silly. but i'm not. so i won't. oh. something sorta funny. i was in class today and jeremy randomly was like, "yeah that john guy is pretty cool. you should get with him jen....unless you already are." and i looked at him and just didn't say anything and he's like, "you are already aren't you?" and he smiled. and i just said, "i won't answer that." haha coming from one of the guitar boys himself, that was funny i thought. or how about the other nite when he came over for our group project and michael says hi to him and says, "andy right? or wait. jeremy?" haha that was priceless. we were all amused. jeremy and i sorta make reference to those silly "threesome" times. we laugh at it. it's not awkward at all which is good. wee! i guess i'll shower now and make myself feel refreshed. maybe then i'll figure out what to do with the rest of my night.

oh sweet sweet procrastination! i'm looking at classes at SMC online cuz i want to take some while i'm at the art institute since it's so close. i want to take photography and jewelrymaking. there are 4 photography classes i want to take. one is a general learning of taking photos with a 35mm camera. two are about printing B&W photos. and one is about color printing. the other stuff they offer i don't care to learn about. like commercial photography. photojournalism. etc. not my bag. and there are two levels of jewelrymaking classes. so i think i might take one photography class this summer to get started with it. which means i'll need a manual 35mm camera. i wonder if my dad will give me his old one that he doesn't use. if not i'll have to get one. that could be a birthday gift to ask for! a nice old school manual 35mm camera.

i can't remember how i ever found this song years ago. but i'm so glad i did. because it basically sums up every failed boy attempt in my life. i can relate to it so well it's not even funny.

silly
- deniece williams

silly of me to think that i could ever have you for my guy
how i love you..., how i want you...
silly of me to think that you could ever really want me too
how i love you...

(chorus)
you're just a lover out to score
i know that i should be looking for more
what could it be in you i see
what could it be...
oh, love, oh, love, stop making a fool of me...
oh, love, oh, love, stop making a fool of me...

silly of me to think that you could ever know the things i do
are all done for you..., only for you...
silly of me to take the time to comb my hair and pour the wine
and i know you're not there

(chorus)

ooh...

silly of me to go around and brag about the love i found
and say you're the best, well, i can't tell the rest
foolish of me to tell them all that every night and day you call
when you could care less

(chorus)

ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh..., silly...
ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh..., silly...
ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh..., silly...
ooh, ooh, la, la, la, la, la, la, la..., silly...
la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la...., silly...

i think the PMS has begun. i'm in a super bitchy mood right now. my feet are cold. my parents started to really get on my nerves. and sometimes, just sometimes, i really fucking wish i never met john.

bah. i'm so sick of school. i just want it all to end. granted i will be going to more school in the fall, but it will be new and fresh and different. and stuff i actually give a shit about. unlike all this business bullshit. ugh. i have an econ quiz tomorrow. i MUST do well. that means lots of studying for me. i studied a bit already at vagrant today. but i must study more. i wish was bed was free of clothes. it would be nice to lay down for a minute. *sigh*

graduation is coming up really soon. about a month and a half. i have yet to figure out what to give everyone for grad gifts. i don't want to spend much and i doubt i will. cuz i want to think of really precise sentimental gifts. ie, things that mean something btwn me and the person. i have yet to decide where i will draw the line in the gradient of friendship. cuz honestly, i can't get gifts for every tom, dick, and harry. that just ain't happening. and those lower-scaled people wouldn't even expect anything from me anyway. but i have yet to decide how far i will go with this. at first i thought about giving everyone sort of the same thing but with a different spin for each person. but i don't think i want to do that anymore. it will be too hard to make it meaningful for each person. and then there's the folks who are actually leaving LA. i feel those people i must try even harder cuz it's not just a grad gift. it's a "see you later" (there are no "goodbyes" with friends) gift. *sigh*

my birthday is also coming up soon. i am so busy that i don't really even have time to think about it. it falls on easter sunday this year which means i have to request not to work that day at starbucks. cuz that would really blow. working on my birthday. i don't even know what i want for my birthday. i'm getting a new computer for my birthday & graduation gift from my parents. aside from that i don't really know what i want. other than a bf. haha maybe someone can get that for me for my birthday. =P i wasted a whole semester bitching about not wanting a bf cuz i might move and then i ended up not moving in the end. sheesh. wasted time! although i did get to go on a lot of dates and just fuck around carefreely. but still! i'd rather have a bf. bah.

alright so now i know. rick and michael took half my clothes to emily's along with aberdeen. and the other half are at jessica's along with my phone. meanwhile i have her clothes. i can't tell if it's all her clothes or not since i don't know how many she has. jessica told emily she's making rick bring back her clothes. he better fucking get mine too! fuckin eh. as of now i have all her clothes sitting on my bed and i can't even lay down. i don't want to ruin her clothes so that's the best place for them. but still i'm not thrilled. we all think this practical joke is lame. it's just a bunch of busy work. it's not really clever. cuz we all figured it out right away. whatever. it would have much more clever to just take aberdeen and not tell me where he is. i'd have flipped out way more. once a whole massive amount of your shit is gone, you sorta figure out the situation. or even better, emily just calls you and tells you she has your stuff.

on a completely different note. i really wish my bed was a queen sized one. that would be so much nicer. john was here last nite and he was gonna sleep over and i can just see how much better it is to sleep in his bed versus my own. it's bigger and more spacious. i felt like we were all squished in comparison. i mean, my bed isn't super small by any means. i have fit a boy in there nicely before. but still, a queen is so much better. also, having a door that bottom locks automatically is WORLDS better than the kind we have where you have to manually lock it. man it blows. getting up to lock the door once you are all comfy in your bed is uncool.

ha. ha. april fool's. apparently all my clothes, teddy bear, and phone are over at emily's. i suspect it was rick. or maybe rick AND jessica. considering her clothes are in my closet. who knows. i don't really care. i just want my shit back. i think taking my phone is a bit rude. people from my marketing class are probably trying to call me and can't. it's the only phone # i gave out to the class. so if they don't know me well enough like brian and john, then they can't reach me. oh well. whatever. fuck it. i don't care. i think i'm just about through with this marketing class. i did my layout shit. ppl were whatever towards it as i suspected they would be. i fuckin took so much time to make the layouts and make sure the shit actually does fit in the space by going to the event site and taking photos and visualizing. then the two guys working on the other event layout crap go up there and stupidedly try to stick ALL 5 elements AND all the tables into this one small space. DUH! obviously they haven't taken the time to think that out the way i did. whatever. like i said. i'm done basically. no more conceptualizing. when april 10th comes, people will throw all the shit into the event area and make it work. and if it doesn't. whatever. i don't care. i'm just so sick of this class. i think more people are. the ones that i talk to the most think it's all dumb anyway. and we are all so through with it. and people hate other people in the class. it's all sorta crazy. comical even. whatever. i'm done.