UK time: 9:22 pm

in london at the easyeverything. woo! gotta love the orange. anyhow, tuesday night was sad. brian comforted me cuz i was sad about kyla. we had dinner at doughboys. definitely returning there. yesterday i had lunch with ky at IHOP before she took me to the airport. also a sad time. =( now i'm in london. me and jason are tired. we didn't really sleep much on the plane. LAX was a nightmare. they scan every piece of luggage. even checked bags. i sat next to 2 brit boys on the plane. they were fun and nice. both named sean. they were travelling in cali for a month. now onto barcelona, ibiza, and portugal. good stuff. jason was waiting for me at the baggage claim. we already ate at wagamama. yay. we smell bad and look bad too. haha did some shopping. having fun. etc etc. i miss everyone back home! =( but we are having fun so it's good.

ok. so i lied. i didn't disconnect my computer yet. but it doensn't really matter anyway. cuz i can barely see cuz my eyes are all red and watery. and i can barely breathe too. i'm a wreck. and ky and i don't want to talk to each other in person for fear that we will just make each other more upset.

=(

yes. this is the state i'm in. today is my last full day in LA before going to england. i'm majorly excited to be going back to brighton and such. don't get me wrong. but i also am going to be sad as all hell to leave orange:house and everyone else. after this entry i will be disconnecting my computer and moving it over to the new place where i will not have internet access. so this is my last entry until i return. i doubt i'll have time to blog whilst away. too much fun is too be had to be sitting in front a computer. anyhow, it's all winding down. last nite me, rick, and ky watched a home video from freshman yr when we were moving out of the dorms. it was really sad. we have all grown up and changed and yet we are still the same. and now we are moving out of orange:house and moving on. i'm really sad. i'm going to miss kyla a lot. i finished making her gift thing and i started crying while doing it. =( tomorrow she is taking me to the airport and we are going to get food beforehand. it reminds me of the time when we were going home for xmas break before leaving to study abroad and we ate our last meal at trader vic's. i actually passed by there last nite with travis and it reminded me of the time i ate with ky. it all seems so similar. the circumstances. yet not. cuz that time the separation was temporary. this time it isn't. i mean, if u think about life and how u will end up together again, then i guess everything is temporary. but i mean, in the short term, this break seems permanent. if that makes any sense. tonight i think i'm hanging out with john. i haven't seen him in weeks it seems and i wanna hang out one last time before i go to england. try to get in these last few moments with everyone. i also would like to see brian before i go away. i know that we'll be neighbors again soon enough, but it would be nice to say goodbye. we have become such good friends over the past yr and i think that's awesome. i quite like the boy really. too bad liking your friend could fuck things up. anyhow, off to england i go. and off to live in a new house and start a new chapter in my life. until i return...

i was supposed to go to dinner with josh tonight but then his flakiness coupled with my hectic schedule and his visiting friends and just a bunch of crap led me to call it off. i mean he would have still gone i'm sure but i said fuck it. might as well wait til when i return from england. i'll have more stories to tell and we can leisurely eat dinner without worry. so instead i went over to his apt and took travis to diddy riese with me. it was fun. travis is a good guy. and then i went to starbucks to visit. oh! when i was at diddy riese i ran into this guy, alfonso, who came into starbucks a couple times when i used to work there. we both recognized each other and i remembered where at. so we re-met. it was funny. i'm just so recognizable. haha so strange. i always run into ppl when i go to diddy riese. it's crazy!

just went to skatebot house for their memorial day BBQ. fun times. me and ky whispering and giggling in the corner. =) then we went to ralphs and we said goodbye to robert. =( so sad. at first i don't think he realized that we meant we were leaving leaving. but when we said we graduated and such, then he know. and he seemed a tad sad. aww. robert at ralphs. i used to be so enamored with him until i actually met him. aww. it's all ending...

it's really lonely here right now. i'm at the old place all alone in my hollow room that echos when i speak. ky's at work for about another hour and a half. michael just went back to the new place. rick is with jessica. and lo is seeing the matrix again. i just hung out with joey for a bit. we got dinner and ice cream. but then i left and came back here. now i'm all lonely. =( these last few days before england are really trying. it's all emotional and sad. last nite ky was looking at the book she made for me soph yr. man i thought we were gonna cry. we didn't. but still. man. it's all sad. i don't want to leave orange:house. i don't want to have to say goodbye. i guess this empty room isn't making things any better either. =(

date with will was fine. the restaurant had good food but i didn't care for the atmosphere. we went and got coffee at this place called the bourgois pig and then went to virgin and i got to talk to joey a bit. we went back to my new place and watched a clockwork orange and he spent the nite. he had to leave early this morning to go to work. emily was over getting her stuff to go back home to canada for a week or two. so yea. the date was fine but i don't know if i really like him that much. cuz he's honestly a bit more "guyish" than i usually care for. i mean he's nice and all but yea. i dunno. we'll see. i've got so much shit to do that i can't really worry about him or mike or any boys right now really. dinner with josh on monday now because his schedule is so fucked that tonight didn't work anymore. i gotta talk to john again cuz i called him yesterday and he seemed to not be doing well. so i want to see him before i go to england. talk and see what's up and what's wrong. anyhow. lots of stuff to do. moving everything but the computer and kitchen stuff over to the new place today. time to start bathing and sleeping there. and guess what?!?! the best news. brian is moving to an apt literally 5 or 6 blocks away from our new place. we are once again neighbors. i'm ecstatic about this!!! =)

haven't written much lately. it's sorta been hectic times. the boys moved all the communal furniture over to the new place today along with the bulk of stuff from their rooms. so now everyone is sorta in flux about where to sleep, eat, shower, etc. it's all very chaotic. and i know that it's starting to get emotional too. at least i feel it. i hung out with kyla today and we went to 3rd street. bought some cute stuff that i don't need but want. u know how that is. showed her the new place while the boys were moving and emily was just sorta...living. haha it's all so sad and touchy. it's hard to really discuss all these new moving plans and what to do and so forth when not all 5 of us are moving together. it's sorta like we all know it has to be talked about and dealt with, yet no one really wants to say it all cuz then that really means we are all moving and leaving a little piece of us behind. i'm really gonna miss living here at orange:house and all our parties and partying together and whatnot. and by moving all of our stuff to the new place, it just solidifies that we are in fact moving in with our lives. and i mean, it's a good thing to be moving on. it's just sad that we all aren't doing it together. i'll definitely have to go visit norcal more often now that ky is up there. i mean, i guess we have sorta been distanced a bit this past semester since she is dating dom. and i guess that's good in a way only because we seemed to be really glued to the hip before. going to ralphs every other nite and such. and since we won't be able to do that once she moves, it's good that we have begun to get used to being apart from each other. nevertheless, always sad. same with jason. i don't see him ALL the time. but damn, i sure will miss his presence. and he is WAY far away too! japan!! i mean, that's no 6 hour car ride. that's not even a 6 hour plane ride!

anyhow, tonight i'm going out with will. we are going to go eat at this health food place called a votre sante. then perhaps we'll go to diddy riese. who knows. dinner will end too early for us to just go back home and watch a movie. unless we watch like two movies. which we could do. who knows. we shall see. i think will is a good guy. i can't say that i'm crazy about him, but i like him. and that's good enough for me right now. at least i've pretty much gotten mike out of my head so that won't clutter shit up. cuz for a moment, i really felt bad and torn about the two of them. but mike is mike. he prolly won't call me unless i call him. he can't ask me to go anywhere cuz he doesn't have a car. and he's going home for the summer. so yea. i would like to visit his creperie in davis when i go up to norcal. perhaps that will happen. who knows.

woo. going out with will on friday! =)

man. my room is a mess. the one at orange:house that is. the new place is fine. pristine. this one is all messy with shit on the floors. cuz i took down most of the wall tonight. it was really sad. i had to spackle up the holes too. but the paint we bought doesn't quite match. so now i gotta get new paint. ugh! sucks. my parents are leaving tomorrow morning. so basically they left today. woo! no more pestering. thank god. this time next week i will be in england. woo! i don't know when i will be sleeping in my bed but tonight is another nite on the couch. last nite if i had sucked it up and chilled at mike's i could have slept there i'm sure. but alas i didn't feel like it and i don't really like him anymore so whatever. and tonight i went to mel's with dan for a late night milkshake and he offered to let me sleep there whenever. so again i could have slept in a bed. or even joey for that matter who wanted to hang out tonight and would gladly have let me sleep in his bed. but yet i am sleeping here on the couch. just because this option seems simpler and less sticky than the rest.

laying on the floor. listening to music. thinking a bit. i realize that i don't really like mike. i called him and we chatted and i just wasn't all into it. he invited me to come over and chill with them. i didn't really feel like it. so he is supposed to call me if they do anything else. i doubt they will. i want to use him for his bed but that means prolly making out. and i would enjoy that. but then his bed is so small anyhow. bleh. whatever. he's not a bad person. i guess this weekend without talking to him made me lose interest. oh well. whatever. he's gone for the summer. i'll prolly forget about him by the time he comes back. although i would like to visit the creperie that he works at in davis cuz that sounds like fun. but whatever. as for will. i think i like him a bit more now. cuz i catch myself thinking about him and wanting to do stuff with him. but is this just a passing phase or what? we shall see. once his friends leave i think i'll try to go to this mexican restaurant with him that i have had my eye on. maybe just hang out. i don't mind just hanging out with him. it's fun. ugh. i dunno. i don't even know what i want anymore. my thoughts are a bit cluttered around the boy front. =( back to laying down and listening to music.

so it's official. all my furniture is over at the new place. with the exception of my computer, clothes, and a cabinet, it's all over there. so i have no bed to sleep on til i decide to finally make the move to park la brea. my room over there looks nice and all ready for me to dive right in and live in it. but it's a lonely house and with no cooking utensils or anything, i can't really make the move yet. so i'm over here. sleeping on the couch for about a week unless i can bed hop. that's my goal. to try and sleep as few days as possible on the couch by sleeping in various other beds. i wonder if i can accomplish that. we shall see! =P

aww. the moving is half done. my room i now void of all furniture except my one cabinet of misc. desk supplies. here is a composite shot of the room. isn't it sad?

yesterday was a really busy day. went to ikea and got some new furniture for my room since it's bigger now and can fit a tv and an extra computer. parents drove me mad by the end of the day. went to get slurpees with brian after his presence jinxed me once more and i couldn't get boba. =P today is the real moving day. all my furniture in my room will be moved to the new place and i will feel sad and lonely in this soon-to-be-bare room. =( if anyone wants to offer me their bed for the next week and a half, i'll take it! haha =)

whoa. i had this REALLY weird dream and it had a bunch of boys i have liked in the past in it. very very strange. and it was like a narration too. so weird. and there were drugs involved too. good lord!

man. moving is a bitch. i hate it. i packed up a lot of my room today and moved it to the new place. tuesday my parents are moving the actual furniture over. then basically i'll be living in a very very very empty room. just the essentials will be here. i don't want to move to the new place yet cuz i'll be very lonely. so i'll just sleep on the couch and use my computer on the floor propped up with boxes and such. now i think i'll take a nap and shower cuz i feel all gross. later on we are going to the cat and fiddle for jazz night. good times. will and his visiting friends might come too!

well. scooter is safe and sound at the skatebot house. apparently brian and rowmike wanted to play a prank on me. those bastards! anyhow, i hung out with joey a lot today and that was cool. but i can't help but really realize the sadness of my current situation. yesterday was so hectic that i didn't get a chance to really soak in the fact that it's over. it's all over. we graduated and many of the people that were once familiar faces, will no longer be in my line of sight ever again. all those acquaintances who i would see here and there on campus and at random parties, are not going to be in my life anymore. and even some of my friends are going to be gone from my daily life. already i've had a few moments of sadness. like when jason came to say goodbye. i know i'll see him again when we go to england, so no worries yet. but he was saying goodbye to rick and i started to cry just because of the sadness of the situation. it's all becoming real and it makes me very sad. =(

send out an APB. someone last nite stole scooter!!! =(

i'm fuckin pissed off as a result. we were supposed to have a small little party for graduation. filled with people we knew and wanted to share one last moment with. instead, everyone brought all these random fucking people and as a result, someone stole my robot!!! i'm angry. and i blame everyone who came to the party with random people. because i know a lot of people brought guests we didn't know. they also drank all of our alcohol. yet another thing i am pissed at. i doubt i will buy a new robot. cuz it wasn't cheap. the thing is, normally when we have large parties, i am aware of the potential stealing factor. you expect shit to happen. but this was not supposed to be that sort of party. i didn't want to have to lock all my shit up. and who the fuck was shaving their legs in our shower? i mean, get fucking real. what the fuck is that shit all about? and fucking up our towels? if this was a party the way we wanted it to be, shit wouldn't be stolen and fucked up. yes, i'm fucking pissed off and this has ruined my day.

it's really surreal. i graduated from college! it doesn't even seem that way. yet it is. it's so strange. sorta anti-climatic. i expected it to be like a really momumental occasion. but it wasn't THAT big of a deal. i mean, it's quite an accomplishment. but it didn't feel super crazy. the main ceremony was slightly boring due to the fact that i couldn't hear or see much. and the business ceremony was just really quick. we were herded in. heard the speakers. then one by one, really quickly we all got our diploma covers. it was like we were a well-oiled machine. cranking out the students one by one. but that's the business school for ya. cold and calculating. at least i got to sit with brian. that was awesome. cuz without him there, i'd have felt alone. dinner with my roommates and our families at el cholo was really fun. the waiter was really cute and nice. all 5 of us did a celebratory shot of tequila. and all our parents took a million photos. good times. now we drink with friends. more good times. =) CONGRATULATIONS to all my fellow graduates! =)

wow. it's all over. i just graduated from USC. woo! time to take a nap. =P

graduation is tomorrow. HOLY FUCKING SHIT!

ugh. the stress is mounting. i thought i could handle my parents for at least a few days. but already i want to crack!!!

day #2 begins...

umm...yeah...i definitely got myself into an interesting situation. but besides that, robbie williams was fucking awesome yesterday. good lord. he was great. he did two songs and some lucky chick got to dance with him and stuff. he was rad. he's so cute and funny and sexly ambiguous. haha it was so great to FINALLY see him perform live. woo! =) now i don't have such an urgency to see him in concert since i've at least seen him on the show. so yea. that was that. also saw the jerry seinfeld movie, comedian, which was good. today was the senior breakfast which sucked cuz i woke up so fucking early and didn't get good sleep to begin with. my parents came today too. the beginning of the week + 1 day of hell. it wasn't too bad tonight. but yea. it WILL most assuredly get worse. =( bowling tonight. i asked mike to come but he can't cuz he has no money since he has to spend like $80 on paper to print his photos. so it's either that, or he's a fucking liar. let's go with the former.

oh fuck.

countdown to robbie fuckin williams!!!

i just watched robbie williams on jay leno and then watched craig kilborn who was doing a countdown to robbie! haha awesome. robbie is so cheesy it's fucking great. i love it. =) i was going to go over to mike's but i got a bit scared about feeling awkward. all these people that i don't really know that well. but i called him anyway and we chatted for a bit. he said i shouldn't feel awkward cuz they all know me and have met me. but still. i could just imagine them looking at me like, "uh huh. yeah. she likes him doesn't she? etc etc." so we chatted a bit. and what i like about mike is that he lets me go on and on about really stupid, silly, or mundane shit. and he just comments or laughs or whatever. i feel very at ease. whereas with like john, i never feel that i can just go on about random stupid shit cuz he'll just be more like, "what the fuck jen?" i think that's why i never feel 100% at ease or in synch with john. he's just so off. but mike is so go with the flow that it's awesome. anyhow, he said i could still come over. but then i wanted to watch robbie. so he said he'd call me if they were still doing something later on. he finally called at 1 something and said that everyone was going to sleep cuz they all smoked out and were all high and tired now. it was quite humorous. i went on about robbie while he just sorta listened stoned. anyhow, i don't really know what he thinks of me, but he must like me enough to call and tolerate my random banter. and anyone that can deal with that and still want to see me, is good in my book! haha i will make an effort to do something with him before he leaves this weekend regardless of whether or not my parents are here. cuz fuck, they can't ruin everything! hehe

i just called mike since both brian and rick said it was enough time to call. yea yea. i always hate the game. but i also don't want him to think i'm crazy! so i called. we chatted for a little bit before his roommates were bugging him that they needed the phone to order a pizza. so he invited me to come over and chill with them. i think i'll go later. not yet. we'll see. he said he's going home this weekend so that kills weekend ideas. altho it's good anyway cuz my parents are coming wed. yikes! dad was like, "when we get there, we can have a little chat about how you've changed since high school." greeeeeat. so yeah. anyhow. i'm super bored. so i'll prolly go to mike's later.

my eyes hurt! i just redid my resume and my online one and now my eyes are shot. boo. i also registered with SMC so that i can enroll in the photography class this summer. moved in a few boxes to the new place. basically it's all rolling. soon enough the 'rents will be here and it'll be hell. graduation and moving and all the logistical stuff of changing addresses and banks and whatnot. ugh. i hate moving. gotta plan england still. and gotta find a job. but the whole job thing is hard when i'm not gonna be back til june 12th! i sent my resume to 2 places online looking for web designers. if i could get a higher paying web design job, i'd rather do that than work at urban. so we shall see. i want to see mike but i fear calling so soon and scaring him. so i'll wait. my computer is full of post-its and i think i might be going bonkers. time to eat!

john just called me to thank me for being concerned for him last nite. how cute. and then he went on this 5 min speech about not wanting to lose me as a friend and how i'm so cool and great and stuff. weird. very weird. he's a weird guy. i love him. but man he's weird.

aberdeen misses me. i haven't been around much this weekend. the bed has been empty with just him. poor thing. but that means it's been a good weekend. i haven't slept in my bed since thursday night. and before this afternoon, i'd been home a total of about one hour. i shall explain.

so friday was my date with the guy. i shall state his name since it will be easier that way. so his name is mike. he's 22 and he's from davis, ca. not from UC davis. but from the city of davis. he lives with 6 other people who are also from davis. 2 of them go to sc and the rest don't. mike goes to city college and he's a photography major. i really like that idea. cuz i love photos. i originally met him at the honda element night event. anyhow, enough background shit. to begin. the date. so i went to get him at 7:30. we were supposed to leave at 7, but neither of us were ready. so 7:30 it was. i drove cuz his car is a total wreck from a major accident he was in up in davis over a year ago. no need to explain that. but yes, i had to drive. which sucks cuz i hate driving but whatever. when u gotta do it, u gotta do it. so i picked him up and my first thought was that maybe this wasn't going to go well. cuz even though he seemed so agreeable on the fone and such, when i went to get him, he was outside smoking a cig and looking like a real hard ass. plus he was wearing a hustler shirt. so i was sorta concerned we weren't going to gel at all. so he gets in the car and we set off. the plan for the nite (which was my plan of course) was to go get vietnamese sandwiches in garden grove, then go to miniature golf in anaheim at this place i was hoping was the place i went to as a little kid with my grandparents. so the whole ride there was good. we talked a lot and things seemed to be going well. but when we got to the sandwich place, i felt like things were off. it seemed awkward as we sat there with our sandwiches. i was thinking, man this sucks. it seemed alright and now it doesn't. but then when we finished out food, we both wanted to get another sandwich to take home. and we also looked around at the random assortment of goodies they had to offer. he suggested we get some candy. and for some reason, at that moment i felt like things were ok. don't ask me why. it just seemed better. we got our sandwiches and our candy and went outside while he smoked. then we went to the golf place. and the whole way there we talked and it was good. we got to the place and got our golf clubs. we decided that we would do the hardest of the 5 courses first. then fuck around on the other ones. golfing was fun. we didn't even keep score. it didn't really matter. we were just having fun and fucking around. we talked about all sorts of stuff including piercings and tattoos, considering i have both and he wants tattoos. overall, i thought it was a good time. both of us seemed to be enjoying it. we left when the place closed. basically that was the meat of the date. and i felt it went well. a bit quirky of course. but that's me.

when we left the place, the car stunk of vietnamese sandwiches, and the candies we got were just fucking weird. we got a bit lost cuz he thought that if we went a certain way we'd hit the 5 freeway. but we didn't. so we stopped at a gas station and got directions and were on our way. we didn't know what to do cuz obviously we both weren't tired. all my friends were already out at parties and so we couldn't hang out with them. so we called his roommates and they were sitting around drinking and watching tv. so we decided we'd go back to my place and get some alcohol. then go to his place and drink. now i'm almost certain at this point, we both realize what the hell is going to happen. i mean come on. we're 22 yrs old. we're about to get drunk. and i'm not going to be able to drive home. it's the unspoken thing that you expect but just aren't sure how long it will take to actually happen. so we come back to my place. he got to see my room and understand just how anal i am. cuz i told him in the car how anal i was and how if things were moved just slightly i could tell. as we left the room he moved my remote control and i looked and him and moved it back. haha he also saw my map of where i've been. cuz we talked about that in the car too. he actually moved to scotland for 8 months after he graduated high school. i thought that was rad. he just picked up and moved there and travelled around europe and whatnot. that was cool. anyhow, we got my alcohol (which wasn't enough for the both of us) and went to this party down the street. it sucked so then we drove to get more alcohol before going to his house. we had to go to the ralphs on 3rd street cuz it's the closest place open with alcohol after 1am. the man there was seriously fucking retarded. it's like 1:30 in the morning and of course only one checkstand is open. and the man working it is retarded. so we waited forever and basically we both kinda got pissy. so then i got worried that he was gonna be grumpy the rest of the night. cuz so far things were going well. and i could tell that we have good conversation and stuff. and i think that's one of the most important things about a person. like with me and john, we don't have great convo. and we don't completely gel all the time. sometimes, yes, and sometimes, not at all. but that's cuz john is weird and sorta out there half the time. maybe it's also cuz i see john as this unattainable (yet sometimes attainable) person who, even though he shouldn't, at times intimidates me. i dunno. it's weird. but with mike, we have good convo. and we seem to basically be on the same page. he doesn't intimidate me at all. at first when i saw him and thought he looked like a hardass with his hustler (he used to work there and one of his roommates still does) shirt, he seemed a bit intimidating. but then i realized he's not. and he's a nice guy. and he's cute. so yea. it was going well and i didn't want this ralphs man's stupidity to fuck my shit up.

so we go back to his place and i meet some of his roommates and friends. they all seem nice. they are all blazingly drunk so me and mike made some drinks. i sipped on it and we all chatted. i didn't know any of them so it's a bit odd. but they were all nice enough so it was fine. after i finished my drink, i made another one and then the remaining people (most of them went home by that point) watched south park. then me and mike went upstairs and he showed me his photography. we didn't sit in his room to look at it, cuz he doesn't have a very large room. basically, two of his roommates share one bedroom, and he lives in the room inside it. cuz that bedroom used to be a kitchen, and he lives in the pantry. yes, the pantry. it looks like a large walk in closest. sorta strange but it has windows. it's really narrow and about as wide as his twin bed that fits in there. anyhow, so we sat outside in the upstairs common space, and looked at his photos while we drank. at this point i was hammered. it just sorta crept up on me. his photos looked nice. i'm a sucker for that stuff. i love photography so much and i really like B&W stuff which is what he does. after we looked it, we were talking. and then all of a sudden i got really sad. cuz i started thinking about graduation and people leaving and stuff, and it made me sad. that was weird. so we talked. and then we started making out. we eventually go to his room. and eventually we pass out. details aren't really important except to say that kissing someone with a lip ring isn't anything special. i thought it might feel weird, but u pretty much don't even feel it. so once again, these piercing things aren't really doing anything for me. anyhow, it was awkward to sleep in such a small bed. but whatever. when u pass out, it doesn't matter. it's when u wake up that u realize the situation isn't so comfortable. he gave me one of his shirts to wear cuz mine was all funky and weird. i woke up in the morning earlier than him. this tends to occur whenever i sleep with people. it sucks cuz u can't really wake up til the other person does. i mean, if u are dating u can. cuz it's different. the etiquette is different. but when u aren't dating, u have to basically wait around for the other person to wake up. so i went back to sleep off and on. finally around 1pm, we both decided to wake up. he got me some water and then came the potentially awkward, morning after.

now, whenever i hook up with someone, i always tend to sleep over at their place or they sleep at my place. so i always have to deal with this morning after stuff. and it's always a mystery as to how it will go. random hookups are usualy awkward. but i've only really done that once, so yea. and i wouldn't consider mike a random hookup. this falls into a straight, date hook up. anyhow, he got me water and we sat and talked. he sat on his roommate's bed facing me. i was still inside the pantry. since his "room" is so small, u can't really chat inside it. so this worked out well. we talked about random stuff and it seemed ok. i was thinking this post-date stuff could be alright this time. then we went downstairs and i looked at all their photos in the living room. it's of all their roommates and friends. most of which are from davis. there were some really interesting ones including ones of mike doing this strip tease in a thong. it was funny and oddly sexy. so i looked at those a bit. we talked. he played with their newfound kitten. it was really cute. that definitely took away from his hardass look, which at this point i didn't even see cuz basically he's just a really easygoing person. not a hardass. then he brought out these posters that they made for their old parties in davis and those were great. i loved them. much more intricate than i thought they would be. then we went outside and talked there. frances called me and it was awkward cuz i didn't really want to answer her questions. she was asking where i was and such. and i was totally willing to tell her. but somehow i felt weird. i mean, mike knows where i am. and he knows we went out. so i don't see why i would be embarrassed or not wanting him to hear me talk about it, but for some reason i felt weird. so i half answered her and called her back when i left. it was already around 2pm. mike walked me to my car and this was the awkward part. the actual moment of truth. cuz all that post-date morning stuff is fine and dandy. but what it all boils down to is the goodbye. and boy did i fuck that up. i went to my car and wondered if he would want to see me again and whatnot. how would we part. so i get in the car and i'm like trying to clean out all the random crap from the nite before. after i do that, i sit down in the driver's seat and mike says, "we should hang out again." and i said, "yeah. i'm gonna be a bit busy this next week with my parents coming and graduation, but yea." and he says, "ok. i'll call you." and then i should have gotten my ass out of the car and at least hugged him if not kissed him. but no. i sat there. and there was this awkward longness while he shut my door. and then once he did, i realized my mistake and felt like a total dipshit. i hope he doesn't think i don't like him and doesn't call me. ugh! either way, i'll figure something out to see him again. cuz he leaves to go back home for the summer, at the end of this month. so i do want to see him again. it will happen. i'll see to it. if i can call him up and randomly ask him out, i can get a second date going. i like him enough to want to make this happen.

phew...breathe for a moment before moving onto the rest of my weekend. like i said. i was only home for about an hour in like a 40 hour period. ok so after i left mike's i called frances and told her the situation. we were supposed to go shopping on melrose so she said she would come get me once i showered. but when i got home, michael was already in the shower. so i was fucked. so i couldn't shower. she got me and we met up with jaci and her roommate on melrose. we shopped a bit but i was so tired i didn't have it in me. one random thing was i saw ATO dan there. he works at von dutch. how random. he's still hot but looks sorta gay. anyhow, we left melrose around 5:45 and i got home at 6pm. the problem was that i was supposed to be in pomona at 7pm to see this engine burns. so i was like, alright fuck it. shower real quick. get ready. get their cookies packed up. eat the sandwich i got from the nite before in the car. and hopefully leave the house by 6:30pm. so that's what i did. get together really quick and got my ass out of the house. i drove as fast as i could to pomona but it still took awhile. i got there around 7:30 only to find the boys not only weren't going first, but the show was starting at 8ish anyway. so i was fine. it was fun to hang out with the boys tho. they loved my cookies. we chatted. when they went on, they totally kicked ass. good show. we all hung around for the rest of the bands. i didn't really have any plans cuz everyone i knew was once again, out at their parties which it was too late for me to get in on. so i stayed in pomona til about 11:30 after all the bands played and all the shit was packed up. it was a good time. i was happy to see them again.

john called me earlier in the nite and said i should go to the beauty bar to meet his friend tyler whom i have spoken to on the fone but never met. so i said i would come later on in the nite closer to closing and hang out a bit and eat with them if they wanted to eat. i didn't wanna arrive alone and have to be there for THAT long alone and sober. so i went home first. broke the toilet. don't ask. then went to the beauty bar. i got inside around 1am. i went to the back and found john with marc and tyler. finally i met tyler. yea, like i said when i saw him picture, he's not that cute. the only reason i wanted to meet him was cuz we once has this ridiculous drunken convo on the fone. tyler and john were super drunk and called me and i was sober. tyler was so horny he wanted me to come to his house where they were and have some fun. i of course didn't go. not only would they be passed out before i got there, but it was far, it was a week night, and i just didn't wanna deal with that. anyhow, so john was balzingly drunk. he kept yelling out stuff to me and just being strange. i don't understand him. i never will. i wasn't sure what to do with myself cuz i don't know how to act at bars. especially when i'm sober. i saw a bunch of guys looking at me. and i know i could have talked to any of them. but i didn't want to. none of them were that cute, and mostly i just don't even really know how to deal with that stuff. i'm so bad at it. whatever. so i hung out with the boys the whole time. tyler was being weird cuz he was drunk. i prolly could have hooked up with him if i wanted to. whatever. anyway, once it was time to go, we couldn't find john. then he appears from nowhere and we quickly learn that there was some "foul play" going on downstairs with him and the bartender woman. he has the total hots for this chick who i personally don't think is THAT hot. but i can see the appeal with her being a bartender and all. i think there were other, more attractive women in the bar than her. but anyway. john was definitely weak in the knees and stupidly drunk. so much that he didn't even want to go eat. we were all gonna go eat somewhere, but then john was like, "no i can't. i'm too drunk. i think i'm going to throw up." and then he was all sorry and apologizing to me for not hanging out that much and not wanting to eat. and he was just weird. hanging on me and stuff. god i'll never understand him. never. he calls me up at 3am when he's drunk and we all know what that means. but then like other times, it's a wonder if he even notices that i'm there. i just don't get it. anyhow, he walked me to my car and the whole way was being weird. he wouldn't let me drive him back to his friends and insisted on walking. weirdo. so i went home, detouring at 7-11 to get a slurpee.

when i got home, michael wanted me to drive him to menlo. so i did. and then i stopped off at skatebot to tell brian about how my date with mike went. i knew he would appreciate this since we are both pursuing people we met at the honda element event. how weird. anyhow, it was like 3am at this point. and basically i told him the story, meanwhile he was really drunk. i managed to keep us both up til about 5am. at that point he was just like, "you might as well stay over. it's so late. spend another night not at home. we can eat breakfast together tomorrow." so i agreed to stay over if he promised to make me waffles when we got up. so i stayed over. it was weird. cuz we are really good friends. he said he would be my "girl friend." haha listen to me rant about boys and whatnot. but i couldn't help but think that if i was as drunk as he was.... anyhow, i woke up this morning, or rather, afternoon at 1pm. brian was already awake and trying to get started on studying and doing work. i slept some more and finally left at like 2 something. it was weird walking out of the room and thinking that the rest of the house would see me and wonder why the hell i emerged in the morning. whatever. life is strange sometimes. u just roll with it. so i finally got home and decided i'd cut up some of my old shirts and try and make them interesting looking. i fucked around with the element one. it's interesting, yes. and now here i am. hours later. nothing particularly accomplished. i still have to eat dinner. haven't showered. need to start packing so i can bring some boxes over to the new place tomorrow when i measure the room. doing my laundry. it's all sorta bleh today. but the weekend has been long and quite fun. good times. i hope to see mike again soon enough. altho with the 'rents coming it's going to be tough. but we shall see.

on another mike-related note. i somehow feel he has read this thing. at first he looked like someone who wasn't totally internet savvy. just cuz he drinks and doesn't have a computer. but he's actually on the ball i think. surely he doesn't go on the net as much as i do, but he found all my websites. he found my photos page. so he's not totally out of it. and for that reason, i think he might have seen this page. it's just one click away from the photos. and if he realizes that it's a journal and realizes that he's in here, then i bet he's read it. i don't really care tho. cuz if he wants to read about my past and stuff, so be it. i would gladly tell him all my social messes and anxieties if he cared to know. and all that i have written on here about him as has been positive. so unless he doesn't like me, i guess it doesn't really matter that he's read this thing. and i bet no one, including him, would read this entire entry. after all, it's like 3,800 words long!

good god. i never realized how many fucking times telemarketers call me. yesterday, TWO times SBC/pacbell called. they always ask for my dad too cuz he pays my phone bill. god i got so pissed. they were disturbing me! then today. again, TWO times they called. so this time i bitched the woman out. explained how my dad doesn't live here. i'm moving in a few weeks. i don't want them calling me TWICE a day, everyday. but then she told me that it was about dsl and not the phone and i actually listened to her because we are moving and will need dsl. but then once i got off the phone with her and went back to sleep, an hour or so later, i get ANOTHER call from them. this time it's long distance service they want to see me. so i bitched that woman out too. fuck this bullshit. i can't be bothered two times a day by the same fucking people!!! ugh. pissed me off.

i also had a dream about how my date with the guy will go tonight. cuz i called him last nite to make sure everything is a go. and it is. we are going to get vietnamese sandwiches and then miniature golfing. all down in orange county. long drive. i hope it goes well. or else it's gonna be a long and AWKWARD drive. but i think it will be ok. cuz when we talk on the phone, it goes well. he seems very go with the flow. it's funny. he probably thinks i'm cracked out. haha anyhow, it's already 3pm and i have 50 cookies to make for the band boys and get also ready for tonight. i have 4 hours to do it. i hope that's enough time!

a man hacked off his own arm with a pocket knife to save himself. that is the grossest thing i have heard about in awhile. i couldn't even bear to read the whole story for fear they might go into detail of how he did it. oh dear god. GROSS!!!

stick a fork in me because i am DONE!!!! i just finished my LAST final at USC, EVER!!! unless i don't pass econ and have to retake it in the summer. i am positive i passed this final exam. and fuck, if i passed the final, despite my HORRENDOUS midterm grade, can't the teacher cut me some slack even if numberwise it's not passing? i mean i have no idea what my final total grade will be, but if he doesn't pass me with the numbers, i'm gonna have to talk to the man. anyhow, for now i shall celebrate my end of finals. i have a million non-school-related things to do now that i am done. but all i want to do now is nothing. relax for a moment. then i'll get cracking.

oh yea. i think i might have broken my pinky toe. i totally jammed it on the wall and bent sideways momentarily. it's slightly swollen and hurts. but it's hard to tell if it's broken cuz it's the pinky toe and so it sorta doesn't do anything anyway. ugh. i dunno what to do. i'll see how it feels when i wake up. on another note. about this will kid. he's super nice to me and is always trying to do nice stuff for me. what the fuck is my problem? how come i don't like him? he's not ugly either. he's not hot per se. cuz to me there isn't anything striking about his looks. but he's a decent looking guy. and he's nice and all. good god. i'm fucking retarded. =/

i hate econ. it sucks ass. but guess what?!? i'm FINALLY gonna see robbie williams. he's performing on craig kilborn next tuesday and my friend will got tickets!!!! holy fuck! FINALLY seeing robbie. u have no idea what this means to me. NO idea! it's like phenomenal. i have wanted to see robbie williams for SOOOO long now. granted he'll do like one song. but still. oh my fucking god. i will stand in line for hours to make sure i get a good seat. holy shit. i'm so fucking excited. it's hard for me to concentrate on econ!!! god i fucking hate econ. it blows. i'm gonna bomb. watch me have to repeat the fucking class. good lord i'll shoot myself. this shit is fucking TERRIBLE!!! it's almost over tho. soon enough. omg, ROBBIE fucking WILLIAMS. i wanna shit myself. will took me to see sparta which was rad. but this is like beyond rad. this is like rad times 10. fuckin eh! robbie williams...*sigh*

oh yea. i went shopping with john today and can i just say, i think he's worse to shop with than a girl. he takes quite a long time and he's not systematic. he doesn't get a bunch of clothes and try them on at once. he gets some. then some more. then some more. good lord. the boys at banana republic really loved him tho. whoa nelly! haha and i ran into tony (who used to work at starbucks) at paul frank. and tony works there. that was cool seeing him. and we ran into john's gay friend mike at the grove. that was cute. and then we went to eat pizza at this place near where john used to live. so he knows the one girl there. and we all had a long chat. that was fun. and she invited us to her birthday party next saturday. we might go. could be fun. anyhow, i really should get back to econ. but it's just so hard with robbie on the brain!!! =O

it's funny how some people are in your life one moment and out the next. such that you completely forget about their existence until you either randomly see them again or see a photo of them or hear about them. today i was walking on campus and i ran into this guy named ben who i met freshman year. i've seen him since a few times but definitely not within the past year. i totally forget he even existed. it was so weird to see him. and just at vagrant yesterday, we were looking at photos on the fridge and even though jeremy and thomas only left like a few months ago, i basically forgot they even worked there. it's so weird. i wonder if it's gonna be like that after graduation. people who won't be in my life anymore and i wasn't THAT close to. will i just completely forget about them? man that's a sad thought. and on the flipside, will people completely forget about my existence as well? on the opposite note, i also ran into chris (the guy i hooked up with like over a year ago) today on my way to class. i hadn't forgotten about him at all. in fact recently emily and i were wondering if he even still went here cuz we hadn't seen him in ages. but then her, chris, and rick were caught on some email list and she realized he was still around. but yeah. i never forgot about him and then i saw him today and it was like, awww. chris. he's still around. he's still cute in his own scruffy way. so maybe post-graduation will be more like that. not forgetting the people and wondering how they are doing and then randomly seeing them one day, and feeling pleasantly surprised. i hope it's the latter and not the former. ok, back to econ studying!

brian posted this on the skatebot website. it's an article called "the vice guide to being totally crushed out!" it's quite amusing. an A-Z guide on how to deal with having a crush. definitely a time killer when you are in procrastination mode. =)

well that wasn't so hard. the guy said yes. so unless he flakes at the last minute, we're going miniature golfing on friday. woo! now time to study.

all good things must come to an end. a sad end at that. last nite was my last day working at starbucks. mario, william, kyla, and this girl cindy were closing with me. gosh it was sad. =( i know that i'll see these people again here and there to visit, but it's just not the same. no more william and mario on a regular basis. =( we took a bunch of photos. those will be up later. once the final on thursday is over. but yeah. it was sad. i could tell mario was sad about it. and in a few weeks, he'll have to say goodbye to kyla too. but kyla can't visit if she's up in norcal. aww. starbucks. =( today was also my last day at vagrant. also quite sad. =( i'll stop by at vagrant here and there. but yea. it's not the same. it's all ending. next week is graduation for pete's sake! =( aww. it's all sorta becoming real. this whole ending stuff.

on a totally different note. i told a bunch of ppl my frustrating story of the weekend about the guy. and everyone is confident he will say yes when i ask him out tonight. of course u know what that means. he won't say yes. cuz they have all jinxed me. but whatever. i'll call after i take my nap. get it over with. i'm gonna be really straight to the point about it since there is no need to be any other way. if he says yes, cool. if not, whatever. out of sight out of mind.

yea. so today i'm not as pissed as i was last nite. still upset that i didn't get to talk to the guy more and potentially make out with him. of course one of the few times i actually try, something goes wrong. i should have just stayed. i mean when i saw my roommates walking away the first time i stayed anyway. oh well. i'm gonna call him tomorrow anyway. i have nothing to lose. ask him out point blank. if he says no, delete him from my phone and not worry about it. if he says yes, then cool. maybe redemption is still possible. whatever. i won't trip. he's not THAT cute. i do like the fact that he's into photography and lived in scotland for 8 months. that was rad. anyhow, if the world truly is shitting on me, this fone call tomorrow will be bad. if the world finally feels like giving me a break in the boy dept, this call tomorrow will be good. and if the world wants to complicate things, the guy will read this before i call and know exactly what i will say because he said he saw my photos page while searching for the orange:house site and therefore might have linked to this blog. who knows. i don't care. the overall point of this is that last nite, i had fun. and i actually got myself to forget about john. not go out with him for once. and not even answer his call. all because of this cute guy. i thought i might, just might, be taking a step in the right direction and moving on with myself. but no. haulted by my roommates. who i must confess, were mostly looking out for my safety. so i thank you in that regard. but still. it sucked. anyhow, other than that, today we had a big cinema floor reunion at EVK. good times. sunday brunch. jamie made us a bunch of waffles and held up the line and pissed ppl off. way to go jamie! =) we lined up like 6 tables for ppl. it was awesome. i took a few photos. they shall be up later after finals. along with the last party photos. i'm just so swamped til thursday.

i'm so fucking pissed off. yes i am drunk as all hell. but i'm fucking pissed. i went to that party tonight. first of all. i skipped out on john. yea. i actually didn't do something with him. he even called me to go out with them. i declined. and so i went to the party with the hot guy. my goal was to make out with him. so i was there and periodically we would chat. actually at one point he randomly was like, "hey do you have your nipples pierced?" and i was like, "yeah i do. wow. i can't believe u noticed and actually said something." cuz seriously, i swear that people can tell but no one has said anything to me about it. anyhow, so at the end of the nite, the party is ending and my roommates just sorta walked off. the situation of course is that we live really far away. i was gonna leave with them and feel defeated but i was like, "yea so i have to go cuz they are leaving and it's far." and he was like, "it's not that far." and so i thought, ok i'll stay. and so i did. so we were talking. just the two of us. he said that he couldn't find the orange:house site so he looked it up and found my site with all my photos. and realized i was into photography which is his major. and so we were talking about that. and piercingins. and me making fun of how he's from davis. he's actually from the town of davis. good lord! anyway, so i ignored the 3 phone calls i got cuz i didn't wanna disrupt the convo. but then like 10 minutes later rick, jessica, and lawrence come back. and that was the end of it all. cuz of course i couldn't stay and talk to him. of course not. so now i'm fucked. i actually made an effort and was trying to talk to him and make out which was the ultimate goal. but no. of course not. and now it's all fucked up. whatever. i'm fucking pissed. and yes tomorrow i will still be pissed. this isn't drunken talk. this is talk of someone who just wanted to for once get with someone that she set out to get with. good lord. i even ignored a phone call from john! yes, john! he called me while i was talking to the guy. but i just let it go because i was talking to him. ugh. fuck everything. the world is against me. i don't care if he looks like a fucking asshole. i'm antsy and i'm single. fuck all you people in relationships. u get action whenever you want. i DON'T!

the hot guy throwing the party just came to get the keg. man. can i jump his bones? haha nah he's not THAT hot. he's hot cuz he's got a decent face, lip ring, and sorta longish curlyish messy hair. he's got the whole scruffy thing going on. not hot the way john is hot. but whatever. maybe i can go to the party tomorrow and lick his balls. ha. why did i even say that? and more so. why didn't i just backspace and delete that shit? haha. i don't wanna do this take home final!!! it's about a plastics molding company. reminds me of the movie the graduate:

mr. mcguire: i just want to say one word to you...just one word.
benjamin braddock: yes, sir..
mr. mcguire: are you listening?.
benjamin braddock: yes, sir i am.
mr. mcguire: ...plastics...

umm. yea. can we say "procrastination" any louder? i had to look that shit up to find the exact quotes. haha. what a dork i am. or maybe just someone who wants desperately NOT to have to do this take home final.

man. i can't motivate myself to read this boring ass case study for my 497 take home final. ugh!! i went to the doctor's today. all seems well. tried to apply at urban. sounds like lots of ppl are applying. maybe i'll apply at the one on melrose too. they told me to come back with my application when it's not busy so they have time to screen me. otherwise the app just gets lost in the shuffle. screw that! i really wanna work there. man o man. i'm getting really fucking excited to return to brighton. so many club nights to go to. and places to revisit. god it's gonna be great. =) maybe i'll run into james. that would be fucking awesome. good ole james. i wonder how his hair is looking these days. haha god. just thinking about good ole brighton. makes me tingle. i love that place. LOVE it. =)

i wanted to post yesterday but then it seemed to not be working. boo. anyhow, it was the LAST day of classes EVER at usc. how weird huh? i still have a take home final and a sit down one. but classes are over. econ was a proper bore as usual. 497 we just went and got our take home. and actually when we were leaving, aaron (one of the guys in my group) came over and gave me a hug and was like "aww this is the last class we have together." that was cute. i quite like aaron. i guess i sort of have this weird crush on him even though he's a fratboy and all. he just cracks me up and i like him. so yea, it was a little sad that we won't see each other again. other than at our econ final and maybe graduation. he's such a goof. he's totally the surfer type yet he makes these necklaces for girls our age. and he sells them to sorority girls and stuff. it's so odd. him talking about going to a bead show. bizarre! anyway, after that class i went home and got changed for the marketing recap presentation. then john came and picked me up and we went over there. i completely thought he forgot to get me or was just super late and i nearly panicked thinking i wouldn't get there in time. which would be bad since i'm the clicker and i had some stuff that people needed. anyhoot, we got there in time but then there were all these technical difficulties. good lord. but the presentation went well overall and at the end it was actually sorta sad. cuz they were thanking everyone and stuff and it was like, "wow. it's finally over." cuz that was my last class of my usc career and how fitting that it was the class where i really got to know people really well. it's not like leaving econ or 497 where it's just like, eh whatever. i hardly know anyone. this class was so tight-knit by nature that it was weird to see it all end. after the presentation half of us went to the 2-9 for drinks and food. that was fun. then we all disbanded around 6pm. frances came back to my place and we hung out until 7:30 when we went to jaci's lakers party. john and adrian were also there from our class. brian came later. we had more food and drinks there. that was fun. then we went to the 2-9 again for more drinks. i don't really like the 2-9 too much cuz i recognize soooo many people but don't know them cuz they are like greek life people. but this time i actually knew some folks. so it wasn't so bad. once it closed we all went separate ways. i met up with everyone else (ie, all my friends outside of marketing class) at the party on menlo. that was a really good party cuz there was music and alcohol and lots of people. but man was i NOT feeling it. i just couldn't hang. so i had to leave. and i just came home and eventually went to sleep. and that was my last day of college classes. =(

this weekend and next week prove to be quite hectic. i have to go to the gyno today and also try to get a job at urban outfitters. everyone cross your fingers for me! doing something with dan later on as well. not sure what. no partying tonight cuz i gotta work on my take home final and get that out of the way so i can fully study for econ. tomorrow i have to go to an econ review for 2 hours. BORING!!! then at nite i plan to go to the one party with the cute guy and the bands. john wanted a bunch of us from class to go to the beauty bar as well. the only reason i'd want to go this weekend is if noah and glenn really do go. cuz i'd love to see their reactions and how they'd fit in. cuz john was trying really hard to convince them to go yesterday. they wouldn't fit in really cuz they are frat boys. more preppy. beauty bar is more alternative. but hey. that's why it'd be fun to see them there. so i dunno. i don't wanna go alone so i'd have to figure that out. but if john wanted me to go badly enough, he'd drive me. but whatever. that's the least of my concerns right now. sunday is cinema floor reunion at EVK for sunday brunch. woo! waffles and all. good stuff. that should be fun. but then after that is another yucky econ review for 2 hours. BORING!!! then i work my LAST shift ever at starbucks. sad. =( monday, i'm supposed to go shopping with john. yes, shopping with a boy. but i know it would actually be fun cuz he's all into that shit unlike all my other straight male friends. tuesday is my last day at vagrant. sad as well. and my internship class final session. after that point it's hardcore econ studying. UGH! at 1pm on thursday i am free though. econ final will be over and i will be a free girl! then it's just worrying about moving and graduation and going to england. oh, and squeezing in seeing a this engine burns show in pomona next saturday. hectic schedule coming up indeed. but i can swing it. just less sleep and lots of motivation. haha how cheezy was that? =P