fuckin eh. i'm in a bad mood. i know it's my period and i'm PMSing, but still. i feel like bitching. first of all. josh. that unreliable bastard. sure he's great and i love him for who he is. but god is he unreliable. the thing is, i know that he can't always be that way. i just think that i'm not important enough to him to actually make him give a shit. he fucking missed my graduation. what more can i say?!? i mean, i didn't even understand why he wanted to go. i guess cuz he knew it was a special thing for me. but still. why say you're gonna go, then totally flake out? as a result, we were supposed to have dinner as a sort of make up for his fuck up. but we haven't even had the dinner yet. why? cuz most of the time he's too busy or forgets or has shit to do. something. once in a blue moon he's free but then i'm not. again. i know he's not ALWAYS busy. it's just more like he doesn't give a shit. it's weird cuz we used to go out a lot and do shit. now we don't. i guess he used to care and now he doesn't. either way, it fucking pisses me off. today he was supposed to call me to hang out. i actually didn't have time to hang out cuz i was working on my final project all day. but still. he didn't call. he forgot. no excuses. he just forgot. i fucking hate that! i am supposed to shoot portaits of him for my last assignment but i bet it won't work out cuz he'll be busy at the last second when i'm ready to shoot them. fuck it. whatever. i hate when people pretend to care. same with chatting online. i hate when people pretend like they want to talk to u but really they don't. might as well not even message me in the first place. don't fucking waste my time. don't fucking make me think u care when u really don't. i hate that bullshit. yes, i'm in a pissy mood. it's hot. i'm bothered. fuck it all.

aaaaaahhhh!! i just realized how stupid i am. i totally could have shot the ENTIRE final project in san fran. ugh!!! i thought about while i was talking to eric about it but then i didn't conceive of how it would work. but it totally could have. every shot would have worked. and then i wouldn't have had to put myself in the fucking thing. it would have been so much easier. i could have had lydia be the girl and taken her to my dad's work. and one of her roommates be the guy. then i would be the girl that he cheats with and her other roommate would be the guy that she cheats with. omg, what the fuck. i'm so dumb! i so want to just drive my ass back up there and reshoot. but god that would be soooo much driving. but it would be sooo much easier cuz i wouldn't be in it and then i wouldn't have to self-time all the fucking shots. =(

well. i'm back. back in LA. it's good to be back to see my roommates again. but my weekend was so great i wish it didn't have to end. if it weren't for the fact that i have to finish my final project in a timely fashion, i totally would have stayed longer. especially since i barely got to see kyla!!! =( but nevertheless, the weekend was great. i only got to see a few people cuz i was pressed for time. but it was good to see mel, matt, and kyla again. good to see jason a few times before he ships out to japan for at least a yr. good to see lydia in my hometown before she goes back to her hometown. and good to meet her roommates who i thoroughly enjoyed. also good to see my relatives who i haven't seen in literally years. here are some photos to highlight the weekend.

1. mel & matt: good ole mel and matt at in n out. they are so cute together. one day they will get married and it will be lovely. i like hanging out wih them cuz they are a casual couple. probably the most casual couple i know. i never feel like the 3rd leg and that's great. =)

2. me, lydia, & jason: so good to see lydia again. too bad she still can't take proper photos. she's either not looking, making a horrible face, or has her eyes closed. she swears it's my camera but really it's just her reacting too soon and assuming the photo will be bad. good ole lydia, one of a kind.

3. matt & eric: these are 2 of lydia's roommates. they are great guys. not from california. real easy going. i talked to them for like 2 hrs without lydia even being there! they said they might come down here and visit LA and stay with me. that would be cool. matt is making some sort of weird pose. don't ask me why. eric was caught mid-motion so his face looks awkward. i think he's so nerdily cute. i like how he's a computer engineer. i'm a sucker for nerdy boys. =) if only he lived down here or i lived up there....

4. me & rody: rody is this rubber donkey-esque looking kids play toy. it's the size where a small child could sit on it and play. i loved that damn thing and was sitting on it forever. i didn't even realize it. and then i was fussing with it's ears and nose and matt and eric were making fun of me. i decided i would take a nice little close up shot of the two of us to remember it. just as if it were a real living friend of mine. haha

5. jason & kyla: this is when we FINALLY met up with kyla in davis. i wanted to eat at the creperie where mike (the guy with the lip ring who i took mini golfing on a date) worked and surprise him. only he wasn't working. but we went anyway. and the crepes were really good but really rich cuz of all the cheese. it was really good to see kyla again despite the fuck up in the city. later i spent the night at her house and it was her dad's birthday. her dad is great. he sorta reminds me of my dad but yet not. always good times at the westphal house. =)

6. jason & i: this was the last shot with jason before he left my car. that's the last time i'll see the boy until i either visit him in japan or when he comes back. and that could be a year or more! i'll miss him dearly since he'll be so far. at least kyla and mel live within driving distance. but jason is sooooo far away. =( i think this photo looks funny cuz we both look so strange. i'm making some weird face and he doesn't even look like himself. he looks like an animal or sorts. hehe good ole jason. always making facials.

so that was my weekend via photos. i have more which i'll stick on my photos page soon. it was definitely good times and i wish it didn't have to end so quickly. but now it's back to the real world and the LA smog. =/

goodbye san fran. the stay has been good. i'm off to davis to meet up with kyla and jason at the crepe bistro where mike works. altho he's not working!!! turns out that my thoughts of, "who doesn't work on a monday or tuesday?" were shot down when in fact he isn't working today or tomorrow. that blows. i still want to go there anyway so we are. i want a yummy crepe! =) i think i'll give someone there a note to give to mike just to let him know i came by. i would like that if i was him. anyhow, after that i think jason and i will hang out a bit and chill. then when kyla gets off work at her internship i'm gonna hang out with her. woo!! i can't wait. this weekend has gone not the way i expected at all and i didn't get to see her yet. so i want to. it will be good times. =)

wow. i just ate SOOOOO much food. good lord. haven't had a proper chinese banquet in years. i forgot just how much food it was. i expected it to be about 9 courses but still. it was sooo good. it was great to see all my relatives again. i haven't seen them in forever. they all look a bit older but about the same. some of my cousins have kids now. it's so funny. cuz my mom is the youngest of 11 (technically 13 but 2 died at birth) and so there is like 18 yrs between her her oldest sibling. so basically my oldest cousin is like 47 yrs old and i have like probably 40 cousins or something. it's crazy. i can't name them all and i can't even recognize them all. not that they are all ever at these family functions. but still. a decent portion of them were there today and it was insane. i had to have my parents prep me on names again. and now that more of my cousins are married and have kids, it's even harder. cuz i have trouble remembering all my aunts, uncles, and cousin's names and who is who's kids. now i gotta remember my cousin's significant other's names and their kids names. too much! and of course when we are seated at tables, i'm always with my cousin marc cuz he's 20 and i'm 22. so basically we're at the "kids" table which means young single adults. haha marc and i joke about how we have so many cousins we don't even know them all and we haven't ever even met them all. and they are so much older and our friends never understand. we're always the kids who sit together. it's great. and my aunts and uncles are all so funny. they are a loud bunch. i love them. good times indeed. i'm glad i came up for this cuz i'm not sure when the next family gathering will be. it could be many more years before i see them all again!

i had such high hopes for today and then it all went wrong. basically after i took my photos for my final project, i figured i was going to meet up with lydia and jason to hang out. turns out that jason was still with becky. so ok. no worries. i was going to see him later with kyla for dinner. so i called lydia but she was out with her pseudo-bf. so basically we weren't going out as planned. so i sat around most of the day waiting to find out what was going on tonight. kyla called me and told me that the plans had changed cuz dom didn't want to go to dinner but still wanted to go to a bar cuz his friends were here. so the plan was that me and jason would meet dom and ky at dom's place around 11pm. i tried to call mel and matt but they never got my messages until it was too late. so then i arranged that jason and i would eat dinner. then go to lydia's to see her one last time. then go to dom's. well, that's not what happened. what happened was this. jason came to get me with becky. so already i was wondering how becky was going to factor into my night. i should have known this wasn't going to work out. the 3 of us got some dinner around lydia's house. then we called there but lydia wasn't home. but eric, her nerdily cute roommate, was there with his bro and he said that we could come chill til she got there. so we did that. it was sorta strange being there without lydia. but no worries. eric is chill and we all chatted. he seemed quite interested in my final project. i'll be sending him a copy of it as a result. anyhow, lydia was supposed to get back by 10:30 but she didn't. so people started coming over and we were there just chilling. we waited for lydia to come back cuz we wanted to say goodbye to her. as a result, we ended up calling kyla and telling her we couldn't make it to her place by 11 and invited her over to lydia's. i knew she would decline cuz this was a fuck up in the plans. but i had to ask cuz i really wanted to see her! but knowing that i would see her monday and tuesday i figured it was best to hold out for lydia to come. but i could tell kyla was upset about it. =( finally lydia came and so we all chilled. but then becky still wanted to go to this dj thing that she had planned to go to. and i thought that jason wasn't gonna go. but then he wanted to go. so then i had to go with them cuz jason was my ride. and that sucked cuz i was more into a chill night. so i barely got to see lydia as a consequence and i ended up at this random dj party thing. if i had been into it, the music would have been great. but since i wasn't and i have to wake up early tomorrow to go to my cousin's wedding reception, i did NOT want to be at this party. i could tell jason felt bad cuz basically i was trapped since i had no car. so i had to figure out what to do. kyla couldn't come get me. she wasn't even answering her fone. not to mention after i fucked up the plans, how could i ask her to come get me? lydia couldn't come get me cuz even though it was only about 6 or so blocks from her house, she has no car to take me home. and i couldn't impose on her roommates even though the thought did cross my mind. something tells me that if i had asked, one of them would have helped me out. cuz even though i barely knew them, eric, matt, and justin are great guys and they would want me to be safe. i know it. nevertheless, i couldn't ask. i couldn't impose on people i barely knew. so i had to do the drastic thing and call my poor dad and wake him up. by this point it was about 1:30am. so poor dad got out of bed and came and picked me up. thank god! =) so the day went not at all the way i had planned. and i gotta get my ass to sleep to wake up for this reception tomorrow. i hope that the rest of this san fran trip doesn't get fucked up. cuz it was going so well. then today there was this breakdown in communication and as a result i ended up feeling shitty at the end of the night. and it's ironic cuz today i had full battery on my cell phone to call everyone. so just when one end of the communication works out, the other fucks up! sad, so sad.

fun fun fun. always good times in san fran. minus the parents. but i haven't really seen them much anyway. i went out with lydia and her roommates and friends last nite. went to her place first. it's cute. her roommates are really good people. nice guys. one of them is sorta cute in a nerdy way. =) eric is his name. basically he's like a computer guy. so he's nerdy like that. he burns cds and then makes cute little drawings on them. sort of an anal thing i think but cute nonetheless. skinny. wears nice vintage looking clothes. basically cute in a nerdy way. the type of boy i'd want to have a good relationship with. not the type of assholish, tattooed, pierced boy i typically am lustfully attracted to. anyhow, justin is the gay one and he's really nice. he's leaving for law school this sunday so last nite was sort of a goodbye dinner/bar thing. matt is the 3rd roommate and he seems cool too. he's into soccer it seems cuz he woke up early this morning for a match. anyhow, we went to this restaurant not too far from her place. ate some really good food. then we went back to the apt and chilled. the whole lot of us. cuz there were like 10 more friends there. names aren't important except mark who used to date justin. he's really cool. he reminds me of my hairdresser, omar. it's great. we drank pina coladas and then went to this bar not too far from the restaurant. the bar was neat and they had a pool table. justin and mark ran the table for like 5 rounds or something. lydia and i chatted over 3 malibu and cokes. good stuff. cheap too. like 4 bucks each. so much better than the LA $7 standard. good fun and i stayed at her house cuz i was too tired and intoxicated to drive. eric slept on the couch cuz his bro was visiting and sleeping in his bed. and so i slept on their extra mattress. comfortable indeed. then i left this morning and came home. shot some photos for my final project at my dad's work. now i'm sorta in limbo as to what is going on. my goal is to get lydia, jason, mel, matt, dom, and kyla all out to dinner together. i hope it works. we'll see. i fear that mel and matt might have plans and lydia might want to spend time with justin who is leaving. who knows. always complications!!! anyhow, good times so far. and more good times to come. woo! and of course i have photos to show! =)

i'm home! home in sf. i got here yesterday at like 6 something. the drive wasn't that bad. not TOO hot. i occupied myself with worrying about my uneven tan, listening to music, and thinking of even more ways to make my final project for photography class better. i didn't get out of the house til like 11:30 (yea, i couldn't wake up at 6am and get my ass out so i'll have to visit mike hopefully on monday) and then i had to go get jason some stuff at the usc bookstore so he could take it to china. that set me back an entire hour. but the traffic wasn't too bad leaving LA and it only got back coming into the bay area at the bay bridge. my right arm is in fact darker than my left arm and the rest of my body for that matter. i can't get enough of my radiohead cds. they might be emerging as my favorite band when asked by people. and i've decided i want to add some shots to my final project if my teacher will let us go over the limit. then i want to scan them into a computer and edit it to music on the computer. yes, this could be awesome if i do it right! i am quite excited.

i hung out with mel and matt last nite. really mundane but fun things. we went to target and bought random crap. hung out at matt's place the rest of the night looking up dogs online and watching tv. i have decided when i want a dog, i want a small one. short hair, floppy ears that fold forward, and a long face. this equals a terrier. perferrably a jack russell terrier. matt and mel helped me narrow this down cuz they know a lot more about dogs than i do. i went looking at terriers online and i found the cutest photo of one ever.

isn't it adorable? i want to put my doggie in a cute spacesuit. =) yes i'm going bonkers. haha anyhow, i also left my fucking cell phone charger at home in LA. so that means i can only charge the phone in the car with the car charger. this means leaving the phone off a lot to preserve the battery. of course i need my phone to contact all the people i'm visiting. ugh. what a bitch! anyhow, time to take photos!! always always. dad has all this old camera stuff. so funny looking. it's like walking into a vintage store! but i'll just be using the regular camera to shoot this next assignment. "25 paces." i think i'll go from downtown to financial to chinatown to residential. that would be fun. and lydia just called. seeing her tonight. woo!!! too many people, not enough time. =(

long day. went to OC to get my uncle's camera from my aunt who i haven't seen in FOREVER. their house is still the same. they still have dogs and everything is red. my aunt and uncle are heavier now but still totally the same. good to see things don't change. it was a bit odd cuz i haven't seen them in so long and now out of desperate need for the camera, i drove down. but whatever. it was a good time. bad traffic though. went to class. that was quick. dull. then went to skatebot to say goodbye to the house. not the boys. cuz i'll see them again. but i won't see the house anymore. when i get back from sf they will have moved out. then went to fred 62 with one of my friensters named russell. he's the boy that helped me with all my mac issues. nice guy. really nice and shy kid. not terribly attractive but quite skinny. i had no qualms about meeting him in person cuz he's so harmless. i wish i could like him in that way but he's so unsexual. oh well. whatever. i'll worry later. perhaps i could learn to like him in that way since he's so nice. a good boy. =) now i am getting 5 hrs of sleep and leaving the house by 7am to go to sf. i wanna get to davis by 2pm to see mike (the guy i went on the mini golf date with) at the creperie he works out. i'm meeting kyla there for lunch. at least i hope. that's if i wake up in time. =/

fuck!!! i have a light leak. i got my slides back and there is definite light leakage on some of the slides. this fucking blows. now i either get it fixed asap, cuz it's not hard to fix but costs money, or i go down to OC tomorrow and get my uncle's camera from my aunt cuz his camera is just like my dad's only it's actually in good condition. i have to figure this out fast cuz i have a lot of stuff to shoot in a short amt of time. ugh!! this blows. but my color shots came out well. cuz those didn't have light leaks. i mostly used michael's dad's macro lens. god that thing is fucking rad. u can get SOOOOO close to the subject. and i used fuji velvia 50 film and the colors are super saturated. god it looks great. everything is so vibrant. i love it!

oh boy! joey just called me with some news about the place we used to intern. oh good lord. shit is going down again. and rightly so. those people are all fuck ups. karma man. what goes around comes around. and it did. some new intern from canada just got hired to be an assistant and makes more than the chick that fucking hated and didn't help me out at all. fuck yea. now the chick is all pissed that she got bypassed. she deserves it. god me and joey were going off!! haha and furthermore, one of the big bands just said fuck all to the place and are taking their not yet released album over to dreamworks. i don't really like dreamworks, but woohoo! and the two other main bands on the label are practically on interscope who practically owns half of the so called "indie" label anyway. yeah, can't use pronouns just in case. but yea. fuck yea. me and joey are ecstatic!

ugh!!! i'm tired and grumpy as all hell. this waking up every couple of hours sucks ass. a sleep cycle is usually about 2-3 hrs and so i'm completely disrupting it. the last time i woke up, i felt like i was having heart palpitations cuz i had been alseep for a little less than 2 hrs. i feel so tired it's horrible. to boot, i was so out of it when i came home earlier this morning that i parked wherever and forgot it was street cleaning today and got myself a $45 ticket. ugh!!! fuckin eh. yea, today ain't gonna be pretty. and of course it's piping hot outside too. good god.

i went to bed late and i woke up at 5am to do my 7 times a day photos. ugh! we have to shoot 7 times a day. same shot.

30 min before sunrise, sunrise, 9am, noon, 3pm, sunset, and 30 min after sunset.

the damn thing is a thorn in my side. ideally u shoot at your house and just step outside, take some shots. go back to sleep. but because i live in a place surrounded by buildings which block all the sunlight, i have to drive a bit to get a decent shot. so i drive like 5 min to this park. but the shot is shitty anyway cuz it's an ugly setting. i've got the parking lot and the backdrop of LA in it. yuck! ideally u shoot this thing over a span of a few days. but i am doing it in 2. i did the afternoon shots in one day, and now i'm doing the morning. but it sucks hardcore cuz i have to keep waking up every couple hours. so basically i don't get good sleep and i'm grumpy now. =(

i also had a weird dream. i was at some place and i met david copperfield. and we started flirting and then we went to this room to watch some screening and i could tell that we were gonna make out at some point. but we were sittng there and someone i knew was there. i can't remember who. and that person was sitting next to david letterman. but we were in the back of the place and for some reason, people could only see david copperfield. not david letterman. so they kept talking to him and bugging him. meanwhile i'm sitting there thinking, what am i doing with david copperfield? and how come i have to call him by his full name? david won't do. haha anyhow, so then after that we walk outside and i run into chris. the one i hooked up with a long time ago. he got heavier and was no longer cute and skinny. we started chatting but i could tell david copperfield was getting sorta agitated. especially cuz chris brought up how we hooked up and all. we were doing some catching up since i haven't seen him in ages. and that's actually true in real life. anyhow, he has a gf and he mentioned it, so i think when david copperfield heard that, he was ok. and then all of a sudden i found this really ugly 80's looking bright colored dress. and so i put it on. like right there. and then i think david copperfield and i were possibly going to make out. i don't know. i woke up to my nagging alarm. i have no idea why i dreamt such a weird dream. who does david copperfield represent? i was thinking chris represented jacob cuz he called last nite and it was out of the blue. but who's david copperfield? it's not like i've seen any magic recently. or seen him on tv. how bizarre.

hmm...jacob just called. so i guess we are still talking after all. but boy was that awkward on the phone. well the beginning and end. cuz he didn't say who he was and i just sorta had to guess it was him. and then all of a sudden he just had to go. that boy is a strange one. i like him. but he's strange. anyhow, good to know we are still in contact. it's strange cuz i was just looking at the photos from when they were here. and then he called not long after. weird. anyhow, interpol tickets go on sale tomorrow. woo!

i'm so excited for my final photo project. we were given a bunch of options but i am choosing to do a photo illustration of a song. i had some trouble deciding what song to do. right away i thought of the song "pictures of you" by the cure. photo class. pictures. makes sense. and i really love the song. i was all ready to do it. i enlisted josh to be the boy subject. i was going to be the girl. but then i thought about it, and it would take a LOT of work. less locations, but more prep work. cuz first i'd have to take a bunch of photos of him and me. get them developed. then use those in the shots. so then i thought about the other song i really wanted to do, which was "fake plastic trees" by radiohead. that's my favorite radiohead song and one of my favorite music videos ever. now of course i couldn't copy the existing video. cuz that wouldn't be possible and wouldn't come across properly in slides. people wouldn't see how it relates to the song. and really, i'm not so sure i do either. but damn is it a great video. such vivid colors. oh boy. i love it! anyhow, so i decided i wanted to do the video, but how was i going to interpret the lyrics? i had to come up with some sort of story for the song. so i thought about it and decided on the following:

a woman walks into a man's office asking to get plastic surgery done to make herself look beautiful. just the way the world wants her to look. so she gets her nose done. the man and woman fall in "love" and get married. this was back in the 80's.

now it's 2003 and they are still married. but they are unhappy. their love is "fake." they try and make it work but really it's not. she's the trophy wife for the successful doctor. he's the rich sugar daddy. they are in love with each other's images. they each have affairs and know it. but still they are together. tired of the "fake" love but not escaping it. thinking back to the way things were and what they wish each other could be for them.

that's basically the story i have created. so basically i'll have the man and woman doing their daily things. not with each other. rarely are they in the same shots. they don't really interact much. they sleep with their backs to each other. they go to upscale parties together but leave with other people. their little one night stand affairs. i'll show when they met in the 80's and that will be shot in B&W to show that it's a memory. the rest i think i'll shoot on color negative film and cross process it to get some funky colors. their love is fake. their world is fake. the colors should be fake. i only have 40 slides to do this and i have storyboarded all 40. i hope it works out. i'm going to be the woman and michael will be the man. lawrence will be the one i have the affair with. and jessica will be the one michael has the affair with. i hope to shoot some shots up in SF at my dad's hospital using certain camera angles to make it work since michael won't actually be there to shoot. i think i can get it to work. in the end, i show all 40 slides with the music playing and hopefully people will understand the story and it will make sense. i must say that i'm damned excited about this. =)

here. being the nerd i am. i made an excel thing of all the shots. one by one. so i could put them in a logical grouping of how to shoot them. it's sorta like line producing for a movie. which is what i used to want to do. it's all about coding and organization. here is a screenshot sized down of my excel list. no need for details. u can tell what it is.

man. looking at the skatebot house site, i realize that i really missed a bunch of the nite. stuff i don't remember. like this photo:

isn't it cute? god i love brian. anyhow, they had all these movie files posted too and i don't remember some of that either. i guess i was "asleep" longer than i thought i was. oh well.

tonight we went to this lame older person party. it wasn't too fun. we dressed up in ghetto fabulous style. i had more of a costume than the hosts! oh well. whatever. then we crashed some show at the el rey. my stomach hurt so i wasn't into it. and the music was way too monotanous.

last night was the last skatebot house party ever. so sad. i had a great time. up until i had the tequila mixed drink. what was i thinking??? i had all this alcohol and i just kept wanting to continue. and i had already have apply schnapps and vanilla vodka. so why did i feel that tequila would be the next logical alcohol? i don't know. prolly cuz i was drunk and all that was left was that or brandy. BAD choice. oh well. the party was fun. good times with good friends. and another party tonight. this time it's our neighbor's friend's party. new people. hopefully more good times.

u know when u wake up and u've got that sorta "fog" over your brain. u think perhaps it has to do with a dream u had but u can't remember your dreams at all. then you're doing something and randomly the dream just pops into your head. well, i just had one of those moments. i was sitting here doing email when i suddenly realized that my dream was weird. i'm not sure where i was, but it was some house with LOTS of space and rooms. there were a bunch of people there working. like a group of girls who were hired to do some sort of task. girls my age. i'm not sure if they were there to clean or what. i was not apart of it. i was there with like 2 other people. and one of them was that guy that i met when i went out with john. his name is river and he's the drummer for some avril livigne type chick signed to V2. i got strange vibes from river that night but i just let it go. but then last night he was in my dream. and as it was time to go to sleep, he wanted to make out. only it was completely reminiscent of jacob due to the way we were on the couch and whatnot. ack! so strange. what does it mean? i know that i think about jacob everyday to the extent that i just wonder why he never did write or call again. i try and think about all the possible reasons and no matter what the real one is, it sucks regardless. so perhaps this was just a manifestation of that. who knows. very strange though that it was that river guy in my dream. anyhow, today is super overcast. so i don't think i'll take any photos. well at least not the times of day one. cuz the son won't shine through. maybe i'll do some color shots since overcast brings out the bunch in colorful flowers. we'll see. i sorta need a break from the photos. been taking them like everyday now. it's sorta getting manic. skatebot house party tonight. woo!!!

last night some guy at ralphs asked me out! it's like a role reversal from when i asked out robert from ralphs. this guy was not nearly as cute as robert. he wasn't even cute at all. he was a bit older and just...no...he invited me to this party he's throwing on saturday but i think i'll pass.

i officially threw in the towel.

will just came to pick up his radiohead video. it was so awkward. and he looks all funky. he bleached his hair. it's longer now. he's got earrings back in again. i dunno. he wears such baggy clothing!! i don't know why cuz he's skinny and has a nice body. why hide it will all the clothing? anyhow, no hugs or anything. so strange. i wonder if that's the last time i'll ever see him person. perhaps. sad. but oh well.

i decided it was too fucking hot for the PJ's i had so i went out and bought new ones. i didn't have any PJ shorts and whatnot. i also didn't really have a PJ tank top. so i went out and bought some on sale. calvin klein cuz yea, i am a sucker for his intimates. i just love the basic nature of most of his underwear and whatnot. it was like 50% off though, so it was cheap. and now i sit here not feeling so fucking hot. i hope this helps my sleep. altho i just may resort to sleeping nude. that works just as well.

switching gears. i have to shoot a lot of rolls of film by next tues. i have to turn in future assignments cuz i'll be up in san fran and missing one class. and on that day, 2 assignments are due. so basically i gotta shoot a lot of film. but that's fun. i haven't decided where to go, but i'll be out all day tomorrow. god i hope it's not TOO hot. ugh! i also have to do a gallery review for the class. considering i don't really care what my grade is, i don't really have to do it. BUT, i do want to pass the class. and since i want to pass, i sorta have to do this thing. cuz it's worth 100 pts and that's one whole letter grade. and i can't afford to already be sporting a B without fuck ups on the slides and whatnot. so i'm going to check out the getty. they are having an exhibit called "strange days." looks interesting. i bet rick would come with me if i asked him. it's got eggleston and if i'm not mistaken, he likes eggleston. so i shall ask him and go soon with or without him.

and lastly, still no response from jacob. perhaps he hasn't checked his email. altho last week he was calling me. so part of me thinks that his gf did in fact somehow find out about me and i will never hear from him again. surely i could call him, but at this point i would feel extra weird. so sadly, this could be another lost contact with someone. boo.

we met the neighbors last nite! they are cool. i quite like them. they were having a party and they invited us so we went. we really didn't know what to expect cuz it's a post college party. our first actually. well, i mean, our first post-college non-college party. we thought it might be small and no little red cups and such. but nope. it's the same. the people are just older! and instead of, "what's your name? where are you from? what's your major?" it's, "what's your name? are you from here? what sort of job do you have?" just a little different. they still had the table of bottled alcohol and mixers. all name brand though. no prestige vodka here! there are 3 people that live in the house -- ann, mark, and zach. they must be about 25-26 yrs old. ann seems to be single and is straight. mark and zach are gay. so there were a lot of gay guys in attendance. and boy did they all love michael! he probably got the most attention there!! it was crazy. mark really likes michael i think. he and rest were quite sad to see that michael is straight. but mark might be able to hook michael up with a bartending job is weho. that would be cool.

there were probably about 5-6 straight guys there. and 2 of them were my roommates. i chatted with this one guy named jeremiah for a long time. we were all pretty sure he was interested. but i really wasn't. he was a "nice guy." he works for a parking lot consulting firm as a financial analyst. how boring! but he makes decent money i believe. funny how he was an english major at UC davis and now he's doing this. he lives with his younger sister who is an architecture major at SC. he just lives down the street apparently. at the end of the night, we got the numbers of ann and zach and we gave them our house number. we also exchanged with jeremiah. they're all good people and i'm glad we met them. finally i don't feel like such a stranger in this area!

today i went out and shot the rest of my roll. i hope it turns out well. we'll see. oh and last nite i made the thai dish that jacob sent me the recipe of. it turned out quite well and me and rick really enjoyed it. if only i cold tell jacob that. i have this feeling i may never hear from him again because somehow his gf will either see my emails i sent or something and not want him to talk to me or something. i dunno. but i feel it. it's all part of the bad karma connected to the situation anyway. boo!!!

ooh ooh. james came over and told me that the dvd player i bought can play ALL regions of dvds with just a few button pushes on the remote. apparently toshiba doesn't give a shit and makes all region dvd players but just doesn't advertise them that way. but james bought the one i bought just because he knew that it could do that. i had no idea. i bought it cuz it was cheap. but boy did i luck out! =)

i had a dream last nite about josh. and when i woke up it made me really angry. cuz basically in the dream, he and i were somewhere. lots of ppl were there. and we were supposed to go out to dinner. just like in real life. and then at the last minute this somewhat attractive girl comes in. and josh knows her. and she propositions him and so then all of a sudden he can't have dinner with me. and basically i know he's just gonna go fuck her instead of hanging out with me. so then i get super fucking angry and start yelling at the top of my lungs how much this hurt me. and how he's such a fucking asshole for doing that. he doesn't care about me. etc. and people are just sorta watching me as i yell. he isn't saying much and then i leave and he just hops in bed with the chick. yea, there was this large bed just sitting there strategically. i walk outside in anger and meet with jason and molly. and they console me cuz they heard me screaming. and then i woke up. it was really weird. it got me really angry when i woke up. and i hate that. i hate waking up feeling a really intense emotion of any sort. angry, love, fear, etc. oh well.

last nite we all went to some bars in los feliz. nothing too spectacular. didn't meet any guys. i realize that i am FAR too picky. cuz we went to 3 bars and there really wasn't a single guy i wanted to approach. how sad is that? i really need to re-evaluate how i look at men and realize that perfection is not easily achieved. furthermore, i need to stand with more confidence. i walk into bars with no confidence. i feel like people are looking at me thinking i'm out of place. it's really sad. i must bone up a bit and pretend i have confidence. they will never know. anyhow, whatever. i have to take photos today. a whole roll. i'm not sure where to go but i'll figure something out.

i also haven't heard from jacob either by email or by phone since monday. perhaps i weirded him out too much with my emails. i dunno. or maybe he's just been too busy. whatever. it's prolly for the best this way. out of sight out of mind. sad but true fact of life. =(

on another note. via friendster, i managed to click thru a bunch of ppl and arrive and this guy named james. i chatted with him online a bit. he's way into photography and take photos of bands and stuff. he's also studying organic chemisty and got accepted to med school. he lives in south carolina but oh my god, if he lived anywhere near me, i'd probably fall in love with him. unless somehow he was a dick. cuz seriously, in my eyes he's the perfect catch. smart and artistic. good lord! he's decent looking too. so that's awesome. omg, if only...

back in high school i used to have this HUGE crush on a boy named jon mahl. some of you people reading this know who i'm talking about. anyhow, so i had this huge crush on him for a long time. and then one day he started dating this older girl named kristine. and of course i resented her even though i didn't know her at all. after all, she was dating the guy i had a huge crush on. but then i went to the store she worked at once and we chatted a bit while i was making a purchase, and i realized she was really nice. a geniunely nice person. and so then i couldn't dislike her anymore. why am i saying all of this? well tonight i went out with john...and his "friends." yes folks. i think u know where i'm going with this. john's dating this chick named heidi. and she's so fucking nice it's insane. basically he told me where they were going out and i met them. but of course i got lost. so i finally get there and i find that they are upstairs. and see this girl and i wonder, are they dating? and how come she looks sorta familiar? so i meet her and john and i exchange big hugs since we haven't seen each other in at least a month and a half. so i find out that heidi's "sister" (exchange student girl who they both call each other sisters) and her roommate are outside smoking. they come in and meet them. and i realize i've met the roommate before. his name is river. he's the band guy that john wanted me to meet. not too cute. might even be gay. i can't tell. but i realize that i have met them both before at the...ding ding ding...beauty bar! i think i was there the night john met heidi. cuz i remember meeting them both and thinking how river was an odd name AND how he wasn't all that cute. sorta funky looking. anyhow, we leave the bar we were at and go down to hollywood to star shoes. apparently thursday nights is the hot night there. and boy was it packed. ppl out the door waiting to get in. but of course we get in cuz they all know the doorman. he's the doorman at the beauty bar too. heidi is like talking to the guy and giving him a kiss on the cheek. john knows the guy really well. and even river does too. after all, river is a band guy. anyhow, so we go in and it's totally like my type of guys. lookswise. not necessarily personality wise. cuz they all look like band guys. skinny. funky looking. my type. the music was good too. we got drinks and went to dance. it was already like 1am by the time we got there. but we had a good time. and john and i were catching up a bit since we basically haven't seen each other or talked all that much lately. it's all cuz of heidi! but he's leaving for europe this sunday so alas we can't hang out til he returns. they are really perfect for each other in the sense that they are both really attractive and both really friendly and touchy feely. she's touching ppl. john's touching ppl. they don't care. it's great. and she's just so nice. when we leave, we notice that this one girl is like soooo fucking drunk and this guy is with her. and we weren't so sure that he knew the girl. so heidi stops the car and gets out to make sure the girl is ok and offers them a ride! then we get hit by some drunk drivers and they finally pull over. and in the end, heidi is offering for one of us to drive them home to help them out since they are so wasted. yes, she's TOO nice. she's from like iowa or ohio. i can't recall. farm girl. aspiring actress. anyhow, i had a good time. leave it to john to take me somewhere i would never go.

it's definitely becoming one of those nights. i was laying down listening to this cd i made of sorta sad songs. stuff i like to listen to when i'm in a somewhat meloncholy mood. david gray. coldplay. beck. u get the picture. i almost threw in the bag and got into PJs and put on before sunrise. it's such a good movie. so romantic. two strangers meet and have one really great day and night together but then have to part ways the next day to catch their separate trains. god it's so good. ethan hawke. ooh la la. anyhow, i was gonna do that. but then john called. so i guess i'll go to the bar. he can't pick me up so now i gotta drive if i want to go. i hate meeting ppl at bars. i feel like a retard. so i can't decide if it's worth the effort. i'll just wait for him to call back with directions and decide from there. i really just feel like curling up to a movie. blah. i dunno.

goddamn motherfucking unreliable bastard! yes. i mean josh. we were supposed to have dinner tonight and then the fucker cancels at the way last fucking minute. rat bastard! ugh. can't rely on him at all. maybe tomorrow we'll hang out. who knows. i don't care anymore. i'm tired of trying to arrange shit with him. i guess i have flaked on him before as well, but whatever. ugh. we just aren't compatible with our schedules. our lives are too different. oh well. john is leaving for europe soon and we were supposed to hang out eons ago but we never did. i rarely even call him anymore. but i called him tonight and he said that him and bunch of friends are going out in LA and asked me to join him. so if he calls me back i just might go. he said he wants me to meet this guy who's the drummer for this avril livigne type chick. could be interesting. would take my mind off jacob. but, i won't get my hopes up. and i don't mean about the boy. cuz surely i won't get my hopes up at ALL about him. but i won't get my hopes up at all about tonight. cuz i have a feeling i won't be leaving the house today. how sad is that. =( BUT, at least i got to talk to kyla for a long time. so that was fun. and i'm gonna be going up to norcal in exactly 2 wks. so that's fun. but yea, other than that, not a wink of excitement today. the biggest thrill i had was when i got my cgi script to work for the formmail i stuck on the website i'm building. yeah, pretty fucking BORING.

oh yea. that photo from the post below is of jacob at the beach. i was watching the little 15 sec clip video i took of them building a sand castle and i thought it was cute so i posted this photo. yea whatever. useless. i'm gonna curl up into a ball now. thank you very much.

*sigh*

just got back from the LBC. i went to visit tyler for lunch. he's changing companies so he won't be in the LBC much longer. friday is his last day. so we went to lunch at this sushi place with two of his coworkers. they were nice people. i ate too much but it was fun. i can't believe i haven't seen tyler since xmas. that's insane! i'm glad we've kept in touch all these yrs. very comforting to know that some people don't just lose touch with u.

back on the photography note for a moment, i just bought some stuff for my diana camera on ebay. yes folks, the damned plastic camera is once again back in my life. i bought some gel filters and a tripod attachment. i hope it works out nicely. that damn thing is a bitch to keep steady, so a tripod attachment would be nice. these extras are really cheap considering they are for a TOY camera. but i do love my diana. =) it takes photos like no other. haha

man am i stuffed. whenever i go to doughboys i'm entirely too full. and i usually never eat it all either. but damn is it good. i went there with joe. the LMU kid. we went out today to hang out. this hanging out turned into what i consider a pseudo-date. oh boy! he picked me up at 6 and we drove waaaaay down PCH til we hit this sorta sand hill thing and stopped there to get out and watch the sunset. then we got dinner. yea, that's got date written all over it. but he knows i don't like him. and any outsider would be able to see that from my body language. but whatever. it was a decent time. i sorta felt uneasy the whole time but whatever. brian called me to come and hang out with me but i wasn't quite home yet and i didn't know how to tell him that i was going to be done with dinner soon in front of joe. oh well. c'est la vie. i'll see brian soon enough.

photography excitement! good lord. i think i've been bitten by the photo bug. i just want to take photos of everything in all possible ways. i really don't like taking slide film the way we do in class. it's boring. i don't like slides. but i really wanna do B&W stuff. print it myself. i wanna do some cross-processed prints with my diana camera. i just found out that i actually have 120 slide tungsten slide film. so i popped it in the diana and i'm gonna shoot some stuff and cross-process it. see what happens. i also wanna try doing some prints on blueprint paper. i got this magazine where they have all these nifty camera ideas. and one of them is to take blueprint paper and stick it in the back of your camera. then take your camera out and do a 6-8 hr exposure. when it's done u "develop" it in a bucket with some ammonia for like 5 minutes and boom. u got yourself a blueprint photo. i gotta try that shit sometime. i just need some blueprint paper. i also really would like to shoot a roll of infrared film. but i hear it's really expensive film. the processing is normal, but the film itself ain't cheap. so i'll hold off on that for awhile. but anyhow, i'm getting all excited about this shit. god i just love photos. =)

good day. aside from the heat. but that's always here. so we can't do much about that. i laid around for a long time. then looked up some jobs online. decided to email this "gay artist who seeks personal assistant" and he actually emailed me back right away. i called him later tonight but he was too busy so i was supposed to call back. i'm not sure i want to. i can't decide. rick got me a job working for the guy he's working for. i'll be building his company's website. really basic. he's paying me $500. so that's fuckin rad. money and another website under my belt and onto my resume. or should i say, portfolio? i should really redo my website to be more work based. oh well. i will once i decide what the hell to do. i came home and shot some more photos. god i hate this assignment. i just want to get past it. who cares if i get a bad grade as long as i pass. i don't NEED this class. i just want to pass so i can take the class i really want to take which is B&W photography with lab processing techniques. that's what i want to take. i'm excited for that. i also got a bunch of emails from jacob. that was nice. he also tried to call me but again i missed the fucking call. i ALWAYS miss his calls! and then when i try to call back his fone is off. or something. he doesn't have voicemail. just like josh. god that's a pain in the ass. oh well. i tried calling him again later tonight and then he called me like 5 minutes later. so we talked for a bit but then he had to get back on the bus i think. oh well. jacob. the perfect example of how shitty my boy life is. one of the few boys i've ever liked who i instantly clicked with. oh well. let's not dwell. time to start a website!

blah blah blah. i can't seem to manage to get all my thoughts out on this damned thing. have i grown past my blog? nah. i think i'm just feeling a bit more reclusive about it. i dunno. whatever. i all i want to do is lay here in my bed and think about how i wish i didn't have anything to do. i like taking photos. but i hate driving around looking for places to take them. moreover, i hate doing that in the sun. it just beats down on me and i hate it. oh well. c'est la vie. i have to hang out with all these ppl and i don't really even care to. josh and i have yet to have dinner from like 2 months ago. joe (the one who took me to his frat thing) wants to hang out this week. i gotta meet up with will and give him back his cd and console him for quitting his band. and john said we'd hang out this summer and we haven't yet. not to mention he has some stuff of mine. and no, this chair is NOT his. it's mine. end of story. haha i also can't help but get this jacob kid out of my mind. which sucks. maybe exchanging phone numbers was a bad idea. maybe i just need to find a new boy to get him out of my head. it's not simple though. me and brian bitch about it all the time. or more like i bitch to brian about it and he replies with some equal bitching. god i love that boy.

anyhow, yesterday was jessica's birthday celebration. oh yes, HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESSICA!!! =) since today is her actual birthday. we all went over to her place and burst in with a blazing cake. then we proceeded to drink before going to the brass monkey for kareoke. i could tell i didn't like the bar from the moment i got there. it was too crowded and claustrophobic. there was a 2 drink minimum or $10 cover charge. who does that a dinky bar? apparently this place. the waitresses were in your face all night asking you to buy drinks. i did not appreciate that. in the end the manager or someone came up to rick and they had a nice "chat." basically we ended up leaving the place. adam's twin, gabriel, came along and it was funny cuz now there is sort of this running joke that we have to get together. me and him holding hands and whatnot. even though he has like 2 gf's! sheesh. gabriel amuses me no doubt. if he wasn't always looking like he was out of it and drank so much, he just might be a fun guy to date. oh well. i am always single. rick says i haven't been trying hard enough lately. but i thought everyone always said not to try. i don't get it. bah! time to go and take more photos.

i don't want to be single anymore!!! =(

my foot itches!!! i'm drunk right now so i have to backspace to get this beautiful. we all went to the dodgers game. actually first we went to harrison's for the bbq. then to skatebot for the second half. then to the dodger's game. they lost. it was my first baseball game ever. pro baseball that is. then we went onto the field for the fireworks. i called a lot of people in a drunken state. good times. we did a lot of drinking before, during, and after the game. good stuff. i got a missed call from a "no number" and i thought maybe it was jacob. so i called him and it was him! aww. god this blows man. not only does he have a gf. but lives thousands of miles away. why does he call me? this blows. ugh. anyhow, we got chano's and brought it home and now it's time to sleep. 3 of us sleep alone. the other 2 don't. boo. i don't like sleeping alone. =(

so strange. tonight we all went to a party at our old neighbor's place. so weird cuz we had to drive to our old house. i was DD so i was sober. it was just so weird to be back. but i had a decent time. and jacob called! that's right. the band boy. i *just* missed the call which sucked. so i had to settle for a nice little voice message. i tried to call him back, but as he said in the message, his phone was off. so he said he'd call me again. i guess he wasn't lying about keeping in touch. cuz u know how u make out with a boy that u don't know and as a curtesy they often just ask for your number or whatever, but then they never call or anything. well i just assumed that since he doesn't live anywhere near me AND has a gf, that he prolly would never really talk to me again and that it was all curtesy. but he called! anyhow, tomorrow is chaos. so many BBQ's. dodgers game. fireworks. drunkeness. good times all around. =)

woohoo! i think the blog is FINALLY done. the archives work. the comments work. they are brand new so all the old ones are sadly gone. but it's because yaccs doesn't work with movable type. sucks huh? if someone knows how to get yaccs to work with MT, by all means, help me out. i would appreciate it tons. anyhow, when i came home from class tonight i got a spot RIGHT in front of our house. man it was so fucking rad. i thought i'd have to look around for at least like 10 minutes. but it was cool. spot right away. and close too! i washed my sheets today and i still haven't put them back on. i hate doing it. makes me hot. i'm so glad the blog is done. see, all it took was no more distraction. no more visitors. although i must say, i was getting quite used to having lots of people around. it was very interesting. never a dull moment. but now i have peace and quiet to complete my tasks. next is transferring email to the mac. then thumbnailing ALL my photos and putting them online in thumbnail format. oh boy! oh, and finding a job. yea that too. haha

orange hostel is officially closed for business. rick's friends left monday. michael's cousin's band and their tourmates came late that nite. left today. jason was in and out a couple times in between. what a mess! anyhow, the band boys...right away i had my eye on one of them. jacob. he's so cute. not too tall. rail thin. pale. dyed black hair. 2g-ish piercings. a couple tattoos. and bright blue eyes. a nice looking band boy. no need to go into immense details. basically i hung out with all of them yesterday. too them to the beach and whatnot. we all ate dinner together here at home. proceeded to drink a shitload of alcohol. i could tell what was going to happen. at the last minute i found out he had a gf. shit happened anyway. i feel guilty about it but i don't regret it. who knows. maybe he has some sort of agreement with his gf regarding tours. i don't know. i didn't ask. anyhow, hopefully we'll keep in touch. i always like that. and speaking of such. tyson sent me his cd-rom portfolio! how exciting. i haven't really looked at it, but from what i saw, it looked neat.