so it wasn't an entire waste. we didn't go out but i watched my robbie williams show dvd. god i love robbie. my musical guilty pleasure. =) i really did want to go out tho. oh well. rick called. that made me happy. i got to talk to him specifically. =) i miss rick. but he's doing alright. having an adventure. so that's good. and i got an email from jacob! cuz i tried calling so many times and he responded but it was all shitty fuzz. so he sent me a little email. that made me happy. =) i need to repaint my nails. they are a wreck!

bah! we were gonna go to club bang! tonight but now i don't think we are. boo. and i don't think we'll make it out anywhere. ugh. i hate being single. i want to have someone to do stuff with!!! and brett, if u are reading this, don't u dare say "why didn't you call me?" like u did last time. cuz u told me u were going out with your friends. so that's why i didn't call. or else i would have. i could call john but i bet he's with his gf and even if he's doing anything it's just going to the beauty bar and i'm not up for that place tonight. bleh. i don't even have my room to myself cuz doug's editing shit on my comp. bleh. and i keep trying to call jacob and he doesn't answer and doesn't have voicemail. boo. =(

the randomness continues. i went to dan's last nite for dinner and we talked a lot about relationships and meeting new people and just everything. dinner turned into dinner, talking, dessert at the 101 cafe, and then more and more talking til like 3 something in the morning when i was literally falling asleep at his desk with my old tshirt (think back to when we broke up and our shit was still at each other's places). it was really weird cuz we talked about this time last yr which was a rough period for me cuz i was trying to get over him and it was all shitty and he apologized a lot for that and told me that for some reason, out of all the girls from his past, i'm still the one that is like a thorn in his side so to speak. he still has this crush on me which he can't shake. i was looking at old blog entries and everything and it was just very strange. it made me remember all those feelings i had and how shitty i felt at some points. it was strange. and then i spent the night there cuz i was entirely too tired to drive home. and that too was awkward. sleeping in the same bed with a huge gap between us, using separate blankets and everything. yea, this past week has been the most random in a long time. oh well. c'est la vie. tonight we might go to bang! michael wants to go and i do too. i wonder if jessica would come with? lo and nikki should come too. maybe i should call brett.

wow. rick's really on his way. i just got caught up with his blog. some damn good adventures he's got going on there. i wish i could be with him. that would be such a trip. i can't wait to see all the photos. i'm really jealous of his experiences because i know i would never have the balls to do it. i wish i could, but i just can't. man o man. good times for rick. good luck out there my dear husband. =)

i love cross processing. and i love my lomo. i hope rick is taking good care of it in denver or wherever he is now. last i heard he was in denver. i'm glad he calls us everyday. i hope he is staying safe and makes it all the way to the east coast and back before next friday. cuz 1) i want to see him again. i miss having him around for late nite chats. and 2) i want to use my camera that weekend since eric and matt are visiting. god i love taking photos. and i love the way cross processing fucks with the colors. so pretty. i really want a bf so we can just take lots of photos today. haha i know that sounds ridiculous but it's really true. i'm not kidding.

tonight i went to my photo 2 class at smc. i really hope i can stay in it even tho i'm going to china. i fear since i will be gone at the beginning i might miss out on crucial knowledge for the darkroom and therefore might have to drop. ugh! i'll figure it out. but i really wanna keep the class cuz i want to use the darkroom and learn the stuff. brett was telling me about how he used to make emulsion transfers and prints from slides onto polaroid stuff. or something. i dunno. it sounded neat. i want to do weird shit in and out of the darkroom. i think messing with this stuff is fun. if only i could make a living off of this. god i would be in heaven. =)

oh and he likes photography too. yum yum. =) and golf...just like john.

brett, i think u cursed me!!!! i can't sleep. and it's entirely too early for me to be awake!!! maybe it's all the thai food resting inside me from eating at like 1am. anyhow, last night, as i said earlier, brett came over. i showed him my house and everything. we were gonna watch a movie but i didn't necessarily want to watch the movies i own since there are still movies i wanted to see that i could rent. so after a tour of the house, i decided we should go to hollywood video. we ended up renting roger dodger which we didn't really like in the end of it all. but i was glad to see that as we were browsing the store, he always seemed to pick up movies which were not big blockbuster types. they were things that i'd always potentially want to see. so that made me happy. at least we were on the level.

so we got back here and watched the movie in the living room. before he got here i had to decide what to do about where to watch the movie cuz if we watched it in my room, that would force us to sit on my bed cuz i have no other place to sit in my room. and that's where the tv is too. not to mention john and doug were in my room doing editing stuff so basically it ruled out that choice anyway. so i brought my dvd player downstairs and rearranged the couches a bit cuz i personally think they aren't angled right for viewing stuff on the tv. so anyway, brett and i watched the film and yea, we didn't really like it. after that he wanted to watch my vagrant dvd so we did that. at that point it was at least like midnight and we were hungry cuz we actually both hadn't eaten dinner. we should have eaten before the movie but whatever. we did this entirely butt ass backwards. but that's ok. it was fun.

so we went to toi on sunset which i have heard about from everyone but never been too. he ordered the yellow curry which was fucking fantastic. i wish i had ordered that. but then we wouldn't have been able to share. i want to go back there and get the yellow curry. yes yes. we marveled at the characters that walked into the establishment and swapped fun stories...or at least tried. when on the spot, it's hard to think back into your whole lifespan and all the fun stories u have. perhaps i should do some brainjogging before meeting new people. oh well. so we ate and then he took me home. it was really late and i totally would have had no qualms letting him stay over but i believe he told his mom he was coming home last night so it was for the best. awkward hug goodbye in the car as goodbyes in the car are typically awkward cuz there's like no room for even a slightly proper hug. anyway, i had fun. we didn't do all that much per se, but i had a good time. brett's funny and we seem to get along well. there's never like awkward pauses and i didn't feel all weird and nervous the way i usually do when i meet new guys and stuff. i would totally go out with him again if he wanted to go out. i'm not sure. i couldn't totally read him. i'm definitely glad we didn't make out cuz every time i make out with guys on first dates or first meetings or whatever, it NEVER works out. so i'm sorta getting the idea that making out should be saved til at least the second meeting to at least give the thing a chance. haha

whoa. brett just called and he's gonna come over soon and watch a movie with me. meeting 2 friendsters in one day. too weird!

i'm really sick of all the drama from my old internship place. it's so insane. and i hear that feelings are hurt now and bullshit. but, u know what? i don't care. u know why? cuz they didn't care about me. if they actually cared about me, i'd have never written any of the shit on this blog. cuz there'd be no reason. i write it all out of anger for the fact that these fuck ups don't care about me. so since they don't care about me, i don't care about them. and if their feelings get hurt, tough shit. deal with it. it's ur own fucked up life. so deal. and also, it's not like i told them the URL to this site. so they had to find it. it's not like it's terribly hard to find my blog, but that means they had to look. and when u look, sometimes u find shit that u don't wanna find. shit that is gonna hurt your feelings. again, tough shit. deal with it. i talked to my friend today who's involved in the mess and he's pissed that i wrote all this shit cuz now the people at the office are upset. oh well. i'm not gonna take it back. if u don't want people to know about what u do, either keep your mouth shut or maybe DON'T do it. how about that? people's feelings are hurt because they know it's the truth. they know the truth about themselves and to read someone talk about it hurts cuz that means people know about their fucked up lives. so anyway, i doubt i'll post about this again unless my friend rants more about it and pushes me to the point where i must again vent. but i don't see that happening as i believe ties are basically severed. which they should be. i'm not linked at all anymore. and if i ever saw any of these people anywhere and they gave me shit for my entries, i'd say fuck off to them. cuz really, they can't do shit to me. and they know that i don't care about them and they don't care about me. it's funny cuz i never thought i would feel this way about these people. but sometimes shit happens and u realize that people aren't who u thought they were.

on a totally different note. i just had lunch with george. i gave him the radiohead ticket. we met for lunch at this little cafe in silverlake. good ole silverlake. my direction dysfunction. i always get lost there. today i didn't cuz it was simple where we went. the place has the best french toast. so fucking good. i'd totally go back there someday just for that. anyway, george is a nice guy. really skinny and all. sorta my type. big blue eyes. he told me that he's looking for web interns or something. hmmm.... anyway, good lunch. good company. now to start the rest of my day. what to do?

today was THE most random day ever. most random i've had in a LONG time. basically like i said earlier, i hung out with ryan who i really have never met before. he's cool. and so are his friends. and we saw 3 famous people. well, after i got home i unwound a bit. chilled. got a message from my friendster george who wanted to buy jessica's radiohead ticket. so i said that we should meet up tomorrow for lunch or whatever so he can get the ticket and i can meet him in person. so we messaged back and forth but then i had to leave to meet up with ryan, jasmine, and stacey at their friend brooke's house.

so i left my place and got the radiohead ticket from jessica before going to brooke's. got to brooke's place around 9:30 and drank a bit with them. john called and asked me to do something but i already had plans. i really want to see john again cuz it's been too long, but plans are plans. so me, ryan, jasmine, stacey and brooke got into the car around 10 and headed out to the three of clubs which this bar on santa monica and vine. that's where the bronx were playing. note: i sorta know 2 of the members from the bronx cuz i used to work with them. so when we got there, they recognized me and i recognized them. they actually know ryan tho cuz he's been to a crapload of their shows and they are now friends. crazy shit. ryan knows them better than me! anyway, so we got to the bar and man is it a cute little bar. i totally wanna go back there again. so we go in and get drinks and whatnot. talk to the band members a bit. the drummer is really cute! stacey and brooke kept trying to get ahold of their friend samira to come. she finally arrives and the whole time i'm thinking, there aren't that many samira's running around. wouldn't it be crazy if it was rick's friend samira. and lo and behold it was. the day of randomness just doesn't stop! so she joined our crowd and we sat around this small table all chatting.

around midnight, the bronx started their set. basically it was a record release party at their local hangout bar. so it was a totally cute small show. they began their set and a mosh pit starts. oh boy! here we go! so i totally stand back and try to stay out of the way. i stood near samira and stacey. about halfway through the show, samira warns me not to hit this corner of the bar cuz it will hurt. so i'm mindful. but then i walked right near it and right as i did that, the mosh pit starts again and pushed back and hits me in the back and pushes me RIGHTINTO the corner of the bar. right in my ribcage area. oh....my....god. i was in MAJOR pain. it hurt so bad i didn't know what to do. and then i started to feel dizzy. stacey and samira were asking if i was ok but i couldn't really think. the pain was too much and i was starting to not be able to see. they said i should go outside for some air and helped me out and apparently i grabbed onto the door and samira and i passed out right outside the door. i don't remember this. all i remember was finally opening my eyes and seeing them near me and these guys out there. i had totally passed out for at least 2 minutes. i was on the floor sitting on my purse and in pain. but at least i was ok. cuz for a moment when i was about to pass out, i didn't know what was going on and was scarred i had some real damage to myself. so they stood there with me while i regained the strength to stand. then the show ended and the band stomped outside as all bands do when their set ends. HUGE THANKS TO SAMIRA AND STACEY. if they weren't there, i prolly would have just passedout inside the club and gotten stepped on by the moshers!

so i'm standing there regaining composure and this tall lanky guy comes out and he looks at me sorta funny and i look at him sorta funny and he says, "jen?" and i look at him and say, "yes?" and he goes, "do u know who i am?" and i'm like, "george?" it was george. my friendster who i'm supposed to meet with for lunch to give him the ticket! the randomness continues!!! so we say hi and i sorta half explain what had just happened to me. i think i still looked a bit out of it and prolly didn't have much color in my face. of course i couldn't give him the ticket cuz i left it in my car thinking i didn't want it to get lost at the bar! so we are still meeting for lunch. but it was so random. haha i didn't think about the fact that the label he works for put out the bronx's EP so he has ties to the band. but it was totally random to see him there. and then after that, tony from no doubt walked by. he was in there too! so that's 4 famous people in one day. good lord! and then i realized that two people from my old internship that still work there were at the show to support the band cuz they know the guys. i feared it would be awkward if i talked to the 2 current employees just cuz of all the shit, but one of them came up to me was totally cool. and of course he was. cuz he's actually a decent guy who is cool. all that shit i have been talking about the company applies to most of the employees. but not all. and these 2 guys who were at the show are not in the group that the shittalk applies to cuz they are good guys. one of them was the one i said trusted me with all the money. anyway so i talked to him for a bit. so more randomness. then finally my group decided to leave so we did. we went to astroburger and then i got my car from brooke's and drove home.

when i got home i decided that i needed to wind down from this insanely random day of seeing famous people, people i haven't seen in a long time, people i don't really know, and hanging out with people i don't know. so even tho i'm not a smoker, i pulled out one of emily's marlboro menthol ultra lights and smoked one. i liked it too. cuz it's sooooo light (emily hates me for getting her to buy those lo nicotine cigs) and menthol so it was refreshing. just like this random day. refreshing. i liken it somewhat to the first time i ever met daniel from TEB. i went to his apt and hung out with him and his roommate. then we went to a run run run show at the dragonfly and met the band and TEB's producer and ex-goldfinger member. yea, it was like that day. totally refreshing and different. god, august 26th, 2003. the day of randomness. now off to bed!

aww. rick is gone and my little lomo is on it's way. on a journey. with rick. good times. fare thee well my little friends. fare thee well. =)

so i did meet up with ryan today. he came here to pick me up and i hung out with him for a bit. sorta strange since i've never really met him. at least not that i remember. i mean we met once in the apts but that was so quick. but it was totally cool. he's really nice and chill. we hung out on melrose while his friend stacey got her haircut. then the 3 of us went to in n out and his gf, jasmine, who he never gets to see, came and joined us. she's so cute. great style. so we all hung out there and then as we were leaving i saw wakerly and dan there! too many people. then stacey left for an appt and the 3 of us went to amoeba. saw this guy alfonso who i served at starbucks 2 times yet i run into him here and there and we always say hi and it's so strange. i felt sorta like the 3rd wheel cuz ryan and jasmine rarely see each other cuz they do the whole long distance relationship and she's off to harvard for 2 yrs for law school. so yea. i decided after that i needed to come home and give them some alone time. but it was fun. ryan is cool. and we saw 3 pseudo famous people. first judd nelson on melrose. then ian ziering at in n out. then the nerdy friend from american pie. the one that has sex with stiffler's mom. that guy. so yea. random sitings. good times. seeing the bronx later. woo!

i was at the store waiting in line and so of course i looked at all the tabloid shit. justin timberlake was on the cover of one of them and i thought to myself, my god. will really does look like justin timberlake sometimes! i could have dated a boy who looks like justin timberlake. someone desired by so many girls. wow. anyway, it was just surreal for a moment. but now back to reality. haha

so i'm supposed to go see the bronx with this guy ryan who i met once briefly back in troy east sophomore year. we chat online and he's driving down from norcal to see them. the show is tomorrow but i have no way of contacting him so i don't know what to do! i hope he reads this and contacts me. i don't want to stick my phone # on here for the world to see. if u are reading this ryan, email me at the address on the "about me" page. or message me online with your phone # or some way of contacting u!

my roommate rick has decided to go hitchhiking to get out of LA and have an adventure. i don't really condone this cuz i'm scared he won't come back and someone will kill him on the road. but i'm sure he'll be fine in the end of it all. he's not a girl. and i'm thinking like a girl. he could potentially have a really awesome adventure. if i had the balls i'd do it too. i'm sure it'd take me to some damn weird places. i hope he takes a camera. i told him i'd lend him my lomo since it's small and everything. or he could take my point and shoot. he needs a camera i think. it will accompany his writing well. he's gonna keep a blog of his journeys on this blog. i totally understand his need to get away. it was around this time last year that i felt the same. only i went to oregon to visit dom and tyson cuz i couldn't think of what else to do in my short span of time before my parents came. i just had to get out of LA cuz i was dying and i think rick feels the same. actually, i know he feels the same. i live with him. he's been telling me. so this is a good cleanser. he will come back refreshed i'm sure as i did. and it will make him feel better about life here in LA. so rick, i wish you all the luck and hopefully you will have some really fucking awesome stories. =)

i was going to jump right into talking about my day, but i gotta digress for a moment cuz i just got an email that sparked a post. so one of the old places that i interned at, there is always drama. at least with my friend. i'm sure by now we all know who i'm talking about and what workplace this is. but considering i don't want to be sued for libel, i ain't mentioning names. i'm a business major with a degree and i know the laws -- stab back at one of the workers who doesn't have a degree and once inferred that i didn't have one when i do! u can speculate all u want, but if the names aren't here then u can't sue me. even if most ppl that read this know who i'm talking about and where i worked. in my life, i have interned at more than one company, so technically u can't really be certain which place i mean. u can only assume.

anyway, so my friend got caught up in a huge mess there. after i left the place he basically fucked 2 of the girls that worked there. and then drama ensued. one guy slipped him drugs. pregnancy. all this bullshit. he would tell me all this shit and basically i figured out that they are a bunch of fucked up people on drugs who don't give two shits about anyone unless they can provide them with something (either a boost for their egos, or drugs to make them forget about crap). anyway, so he still has ties with them cuz of the girls. and then they fired him cuz he told me a bunch of bullshit that i did not want to know cuz then i found out that they didn't care about me at all. and so they fired him. but he still talks to the 2 girls and one of the interns there. but recently one of them said that she never wants to hear from him again cuz of what he said about her to the intern. and now the intern seems pissed at him and she wrote him an email saying something about how he always tells me all this shit and if he doesn't believe it, read my blog like everyone else. so now i know that everyone reads my blog. even my former intern company. fucking great. that means they read all my posts about their fucked up bullshit. lovely lovely. and now they can read this one. i'm delighted. they can read the truth about their fucked up lives and then say to themselves, "jen's full of shit. she doesn't know the right way from her ass. she's just pissed off cuz we never hired her or anything." but of course they will know it's true cuz they really are fucked up. and i also never wanted to work there cuz i don't want a shitty paying job just so i can pretend i'm cool cuz i work at this "cool place." i would have liked to at least been cared about cuz that's a nice thing. and i was nice always while i worked there. always did my job. always did it right. one of the guys there even trusted me enough to give me a large amount of money and take it somewhere. (one of the respectable workers left there.) cuz i was a good worker. they just didn't care about me cuz i didn't provide them with anything (like i said above, drugs of ego boost). anyway, so yea. they read it. great. love it. fucking brilliant.

now onto my day....i went to the sunset junction streetfair. ran into a slew of ppl from SC and everything. even saw danny from that 70's show. haha we missed rilo kiley which sucked cuz they switched the order of performance. so we got to the moving units. big whoop. all their songs sound the same. good god. went to house of pies afterward. good times. saw more people there. now i gotta clean the bathroom as my weekly chore. lovely! and im working on a top. sorta like cutting and sewing, cutting and sewing. we'll see. might just scrap it all in the end.

i think i've hit another rut in my life. if i liked dashboard he would be on non-stop right now. instead i seem to look to movies for my escape. tonight, romeo & juliet. what next? i don't know. i don't want to know. i don't want to be alone anymore.

bleh. another lonely night. i feel like mush. i really need a bf.

yea. same as last nite. different reason. i don't even feel like getting into it. it's just too depressing. bleh. i hate being alone. especially on a saturday night. bleh. if i care to know then ask. otherwise just assume i'm alone. and bored. and sad.

i just finished watching before sunrise. great film. i think i've blogged about it before. it's so romantic. i love it. the scene where ethan hawke and julie delpy are in the record shop in the listening booth exchanging awkward longing looks. i love it. i love when u feel that way. when u look at someone and u just want to be with them. and u can sense that they want to be with u. but u aren't ready to reveal it yet, so u exchange these awkward looks. and half the time u aren't looking at the same moment but then the other half u are, so u know that u both feel the same way. god, it's great. i think that's the best scene in the whole movie. no words exchanged. just glances. and meanwhile the music playing is this slightly out of tune woman singing about wanting to be with someone. aww. i really am lonely. most of the time i am ok with being single. well, ok to a certain extent. but lately i haven't been so ok with it. i think i've been thinking too much about it. thinking too much about boys from the past who i wish weren't in the past. stuff like that. =/

bleh. another lonely night. i feel like mush. i really need a bf.

BOOOOOOO!!!!! home on a friday night. =( i opted not to go with michael and co to the row. granted it's the best night of the entire school year to be on the row, i couldn't swing it. i decided to wait for brian to call me and see what he was doing. he just called and told me that he is over at wakerly's and they are gonna watch the office. SOOOOO good! of course, i can't go over. u know why? cuz dan's ex, julia, is there. and i CANNOT be there with her and him. i just can't. i dont really care if they get drunk and fuck. i mean, i have no desire to be with dan in that way. so i don't care in that respect. but it's just the idea. and being there around it. i just can't. anyone would understand that. consequently, they are fucking up the whole thing for me. whole night, down the tubes just cuz of that. if wakerly didn't live with dan this wouldn't be a problem. but it is. and i'm pissed. bleh. whatever.

progress: first flash tutorial is done
end time: 8:28pm

woo! ok so my flash tutorials are going so so. i'm still on the first one cuz it's long and plus before i started it i had to do these rudimentary lessons to learn what all the basics are. i was in the middle of the first tutorial when i got a phone call. and it was from eric!!! eric from san francisco. lydia's roommate. we chatted for like 30 minutes while he drove from one party to the next in boston. he's on a business trip but u know those business trips. never complete without a little corporate fun. =) so we had a lovely little chat. eric is great. he chats well and emails well. he said that he and matt and maybe a couple others are gonna come down to visit next month. fun fun. i'll have to think of some fun stuff for them to do. apparently one of their new roommates is british. good times. i love british people and i can talk about how i lived there for 6 months and how much i love brighton. haha anyway, nice little distraction from my tutorials. i can't wait for them to come. it will be good times indeed. =) now i must get back to them.

start time: 3:02pm
goal: to finish the 3 flash mx tutorials

rick and i were frustrated and wanted to leave the house so we went out to santa monica after dinner and walked around and took photos. i have my lomo ready in hand to capture some cool night shots hopefully. we shall see. it's gonna be cross-processed so let's cross our fingers here. we went into tower records and took some shots there. i ran into one of the owner's of vagrant but didn't say anything and just sorta looked the other way. i'm not sure if he saw me or not. he was probably there checking on the new dashboard cd. anyhow, that was my day. everything before leaving the house was merely me just being flustered about not having been productive. i really wish i had a bf so i could take photos of him. that would be lovely. and of course do all the coupley things together. talk. go out. watch movies. whatever. but yea, i want to take photos of this unknown bf. just cuz i'm such a photo slut and he would have to pose for me. if only...

so i went to SMC today to pay for my photo 2 class. in the process i passed by these cute little indie looking boys. haha anyway, after i paid for the class, i went shopping. why ever did i do that? it's not like i have a cash flow. but i did. i bought 2 tops and a skirt. i justify the skirt cuz i don't have many and this is a dark denim one so it goes with like all my clothes pretty much. but the tops i didn't need. but one was super cute. long sleeve but really thin so doable in less hot temperatures. very very cute top. from urban. god whenever i go in there i want to buy the whole store. if only....

square fetish website is nearly complete. i worked on it most of today and as a result didn't leave the house til about 10:30pm to bring some jello parfait to brian to cheer him up. i think the website looks pretty good. there are some things about it that i don't like but i am way too tired now to tweak shit. i'll worry about that tomorrow *AFTER* i complete my errands which i put off today to work on the site. i also must get started on avi's friend's website that i said i'd make for her purse company. i haven't even sketched out ideas yet. i think that will come tomorrow night and wednesday. god it's late. or early. however u look at it. i'm tired. eyes are tired. man i need to sleep!

the world is entirely too small. upon further inspection of the bang website as well as the club 82 website, i found that the guy that danced really well knows this guy named matt who i chat with from friendster here and there. and the two chicks who were dancing as if they were hot shit and no one could approach them, they know laura who used to be my intern buddy from vagrant. i actually sorta thought that was true when i saw them cuz the one girl looked sorta familiar. i think i've seen photos of her from laura. anyway, the circle is really small and everyone knows everyone. anyway, whatever. i had a really great time!

today was fucking great! i'm tired as all hell but i had a blast today. it all started with me and jessica heading out to newport to visit tyler. that was good times. we woke up early to do it, but well worth it. haven't seen that boy in ages. we went to brunch. did some mid afternoon drinking. cuz that's how tyler is. he encourages us to get our drink on. we went to the beach for a bit. drank some more at bar over there. then just chilled. played with his dog warren who is soooo cute. =) around 6pm we left to head back to LA. we got back and were all pumped to go to club bang. i have been wanting to go there for a long time now and finally this was going to be the night. me, jessica, and emily. but when jessica and i got home we were tired from the heat and drinking and ended up napping. but in th end we all made it out on time and set off to for the club. we got there before 10:30 to get the cheaper entry fee which was a good idea at first but now looking back, we should have just gone later and paid more. cuz when we got there it was really empty so we had to wait for it to pick up. but once it did, god was it good.

there are 3 rooms to the club. the main room spins lots of british music and some current good dance tunes. they play a lot of cure and morrissey. it was the best room by far. the other rooms had electroclash and 70's funk and mod music. those rooms weren't so good. we spent the bulk of our time in the main room. we had our circle of trust going and several times boys tried to break through. we never let them tho cuz they weren't cute. and all the cute guys seemed to be gay. so sad. one guy i couldn't help but stare at cuz he danced so well. he was skinny but not my type. too weird looking. yes, too weird for me! but he danced so well i was in awe. and he might have been straight too. who knows. good to look at while dancing.

we stayed there til the end and by the end we were exhausted. and it was like a high school dance. once last call comes around, so do all the single boys. haha we ended up getting engulfed by this set of boys. basically one was jessica's and one was mine. and then there was a wingman for emily. it was sorta funny how it all came about and not really worth detailing cuz it's too confusing if u weren't there. but basically my guy was named ryan. he's only 20 and they all live in san clemente which apparently is southern orange county. so basically it's far. he was a bit obnoxious cuz he was loud and stuff. not shy at all. he sorta just barged in and started dancing with me, which i wasn't entirely upset with cuz at the time i had spotted him beforehand and wasn't sure if he was cute or not. but once we started dancing, he was so close to be that my eyes couldn't focus on his face and therefore i couldn't really tell if he was cute or just scraggly. cuz he had the scruff going on but he had nice bone structure. we danced so close i could barely move. and not to mention i was physically exhausted after being there for like 4 hrs! but once he stepped back for a bit i realized he was actually attractive. he did have a nice face and he was definitely skinny. but in the end none of us exchanged numbers. jessica didn't really like her boy cuz he looked so young and had self esteem issues apparently. my guy was cute but a bit TOO outgoing and plus he's underage and lives far. so not really worth any sort of effort to get a number. although, if we had the number board still, i totally would have gotten his number. and poor emily was wing-girl amd her guy was not cute. so yea. it was a really really fun day. and i quite like bang. i definitely want to go again and it's good enough to pay the $12 to go after 10:30 so that way i'm not dying by the end. cuz seriously, i could barely move. i was so fucking tired. but good times indeed. =) too bad kyla wasn't there. cuz i know she would have liked the music a lot and appreciated the good dancing. perhaps i can get here to come down here and visit and go with us. that would be fun. and dagnabbit, one of these days i'll find me a boy. somewhere. somehow. haha

it was so weird. i ran into this guy named justin who i met during "the summer of bobby." haha justin was bobby's film partner and so we hung out like everyday. and so i was on campus today meeting with this girl to make a website for her purse company and i saw justin and was like, "is that that guy???" so i got closer and sure enough it was! he recognized me but didn't remember my name. i remembered his. we chatted for a bit. he graduated from stanford and is down here for grad film school at SC. crazy shit! he said he was just watching those films the other day and i was in them. i remember that. that was a fun summer. and it's ironic that i've been looking at my blog search strings and bobby buisson has been in there a couple times recently. so strange. small world. i bet he's on friendster! haha

i've decided i need to make a simple portfolio website for web design since i am starting to freelance. so i have started working on it.

square fetish

once it's done i'll register a new domain. and then i'll be on my way. woo! it's exciting. i like making websites. that and photography. good stuff. now i need to get off this box cuz my eyes are killing me!

two nights in a row i've had dreams surrounding lydia's roommates. very strange. last nite it was about eric and matt coming to visit. they came and they went out with me and my friends. we all got wasted somewhere along the line and it was like the horrid liquid cocaine night. in the dream me and emily were wasted. not puking, but couldn't see or think clearly. and the whole group of us was going to some live taping of a late night show like leno or something. we were at the building but we couldn't find the right stage. and so i asked the man in my drunken state and he told me where to go. and it was so far away. i remember right then, eric and matt come and i'm on the floor describing what to do to eric who i think is looking at me like, "oh my god is she ok?" i was ok. i was just extremely intoxicated. i also remember emily said something like, "ok, you take eric and i'll take matt." of course that doesn't work cuz she has a bf. i guess in the dream she didn't. anyway, i can't really remember anymore of the dream. i know there is more. i know that we go walking around but it's all a blur.

then the other dream was the night before. basically that night i had been watching a bunch of robbie william's videos and his videos often have a nice house with bright colors. cool mod furniture. stuff like that. one of the videos he has a party and then the next day the shit is trashed. i think that is how i got the setting for my dream. cuz basically i was with someone and i went to this house. the house was supposed to be where eric, matt, and lydia lived before. and they had moved out but all their shit was left behind and it was all over the place. amongst the shit was rody! only he was red. i sat on rody the way i did in real life, and he was a bit deflated. so it was no good. but i was happy to see him there. then i walked into the house and saw that they had repainted the walls bright colors like red and purple and stuff.

i don't really know the point of either of these dreams are. except that i guess i'm excited for them to come visit. that has to be it. but why the two dreams in two nights i don't know. oh well.

photo class is over. =( sorta sad really. i liked that class. and like my teacher. he's funny and nice. i had a great time taking all the photos even if i was stressed out a little bit here and there. i got to show my final project today but we ran really late so ppl were basically waiting and waiting just to get out of there and of course i was 2nd to last cuz the people with computer stuff went last! and to boot, the color of the projector was super dark so basically half my shots were really dark and hard to see. it sucked. but people still liked it and gave me compliments. i got an A on it from the teacher. basically the way i calculate it, i only need 135/200 points on the final exam to get an A. that's basically 67.5% which is a D. basically i can get like 24 questions wrong on the final exam and still get an A in the class. that's solid. i barely studied for the exam though. but i think i can pull that off. woo! it makes me happy only because i got A's on all my photo assignments. and that's the whole point for taking the class. at least for me. just to do well on the photo stuff. take good pictures. i don't care about stupid tests. that's all bullshit anyway. but yea. photo class is over. but in two weeks the next photo class starts. so here we go all over again! only instead of slides, this class is ALL b&w and focuses on printing. i'm excited.

actually. scratch the confusion. my new AIM name is square fetysh. done. i like the way it looks on the screen and i want that to be my new name.

ok. decision making time. i don't really like photo freeeek after all. and other people don't seem to like it either. but i do want to change my name. cuz i'm sick of tshirtgirlie. so i came up with two names so far.

square fetysh

FakePlaztikL0VE

how do people feel about these? obviously the spellings are funky due to the proper spellings being taken. my thoughts are that i really love radiohead now, but i might not later. and then it won't work as well. but i think i'll always love squares. so this could work for a few yrs. i even thought about registering the domain and making that my web design website and leaving lipglossfantasy to be my personal/blog/photos site. what do people think? and do u have any other suggestions?

i just went to IHOP with rick and pat. and there was this young SC couple who sat down not long after us. they sat in a booth right next to this big ass mirror. and the girl proceeded to check herself out in the mirror the moment they sat down. ok. fair enough. girls tend to do that. there is a mirror. they look. we're all guilty of that. but this girl just KEPT looking! and then the guy looked too. then she'd stop. then she'd look again. this just kept going on. so i had to make a comment to pat who was sitting next to me. i think the girl heard me, but i didn't care. cuz it was ridiculous. who looks at themselves THAT much? a couple minutes passed and she looked again. finally the bf said, "come on. get yourself out of the mirror." but then not much longer after that she looked again. and so did he! so then finally pat and rick switched seats cuz pat didn't really wanna see that anymore and rick wanted to see what we were talking about. sure enough, this couple looked at themselves the entire time they were eating. and then they left, they took one last look. and then when she came back to leave the tip, she looked again! it was insane. they were the most narcissistic people i've ever seen. who goes to an eating establishment to check themselves out in the mirror every other minute? insane!

message from dan when he found out i changed my AIM name:

Asynch Proper: I refuse to ever contact you at that name or even acknowledge photo freeeeek's existence after this point in time

wtf? is he fucking kidding me? he better be. or else that ends our chatting relationship. who the fuck denys someone the right to change their AIM name? he changed his and i accepted it long ago. he better be fucking kidding. this isn't just someone i don't give a shit about and don't care if i never talk to again. this is dan! but if he really means it, then he can go fuck himself for being lame like that. yea that's right. i said dan can go fuck himself if he is really being THAT petty.

new AIM name: photo freeeek

everyone make the according changes on your buddylist if you want. tshirtgirlie will be around to indicate the change, but basically i won't use it anymore.

yep. those are all my cameras. i've definitely gone off the deep end. they all serve different purposes though. and they all don't take the same kind of film. a few take regular 35mm, but the rest don't. even the polaroids take different film. yep. jen's gona photo crazy. someone should check her into a clinic. haha =P

a day in temecula. yes yes. that strange sounding city that u see on signs for the pechunga resort and casino. i always wondered where that place was and who the hell went there. and now kevin lives there. he bought a house there!! it's a nice house too. albeit, his house looks like everyone else's in the entire area (white with red trim), but it's nice. we all made the trek down there for a bbq and swimming and drinking (altho i still am turned off from alochol due to last week) and more swimming and just some good fun. michael got really really really drunk and broke his puking streak. i drove jessica, rick, and gabriel back around 12:30am. rick and i had some good convo while the other two were sleeping. and then once we got one we discussing confidence in ourselves and such.

i will say that this past year has made me more confident. i used to think i had no hope with boys and it was all the world's doing. like i had no control. but now i feel like i do finally have some control to a certain extent. and now it's just a matter of me working on the situation. realizing that who i am attracted to and who i really want to be with are two different things. and surely guys who i would lust after may be good fun, but definitely not bf material. i realize all of this but it's a little hard when i am so physically attracted to a certain type. the super skinny, dyed hair, tattooed, pierced, indie rock boy who may or may not be in a band. that sorta shit. surely that boy is hot, but really he's not bf material. i know this. i KNOW this. but it's not simple to look at some boy who i don't know and think that maybe, just maybe he is the one for me when i am distracted by all the other hot ones. it's really hard. this where being friends with boys comes into play. cuz if i'm friends with a boy who i am less attracted to, i get to know him and realize that's he's cool and what i need as a bf. but then there are friend issues too. it's just so hard. i wish i wasn't attracted to the type that i am attracted to.

i also think that there is something inside of me that is inherently scared of relationships. and this may be another reason i never find people. and if i do, there is always something wrong which i know already. like jacob. living sooo far away and having a gf. yet i like him. possibly cuz i know it can't work so it's safe to like him. nothing will ever happen. or this eric kid. surely he doesn't live as far, but still liking him cuz i know that it won't work due to distance (and also that i don't even know what he thinks of me in that realm). just shit like that. being safe in liking someone who i can't actually date so that i won't have to date him. cuz like will, that was totally possible. and everyone kept saying i should just try it out. but i just didn't really seem to like him enough to date him. could this be because it was actually possible? i don't know. i really need to think about this more. but at least i feel like i have more control. emily said to me last nite that i have been on a good streak. that every boy i have liked this year i have gotten in some capacity. so at least that gives me more confidence to think that i might actually be able to find a boy. i just have to look in the right places. =/

that photo was the header in an email i got from a radiohead newsletter. yes, radiohead is in fact getting old. look at thom. he looks well old. and the rest of them don't look so young themselves. i should check up on their ages. they sound amazing though. so who cares if they look old. i never cared for the way they looked anyway. it doesn't matter. i listen to them ALL the time now it seems. and i even did my final project to one of their songs. i think they are emerging as a top favorite for me. like when people ask what my favorite band is. they will be one of the ones i mention. yes indeed. i LOVE radiohead. =)

i had this great exchange of emails last nite with eric. it was basically like we were chatting via email. u know how when u email and then they email right back and vice versa. that went on for about an hour i think. it was good fun. i love eric's emails. they are so funny and strange. much like michael's. good times. i felt like i was starting to get all cracked out when i was writing them. spewing random random shit. even more random than i am used to hearing coming from myself! eric won't be coming down next week as he once thought because he had some work stuff to do. oh well. some other time indeed. it will be good times whenever he does make it down here. guaranteed.

final project is DONE!!! woo. i edited my slides to "fake plastic trees" and it looks decent. if anyone wants to see it, i'll show it to u. it's a bit large to post online and have people stream or download. but i will show u if u want. u can tell me what u think and if u get it or not.

so my photo class is winding down and now everyone seems to finally start talking to each other. that's how it always is. at first no one talks to anyone. then slowly there is some conversation. now everyone is chatting away. people found out that i do web stuff so they started asking me about that. and i ask this one girl about printing and stuff cuz she works at a really high end lab. there is also this guy named reed (i actually quite like that name) who i always thought was just this slacker beach bum kid. turns out he's a really good artist. his doodles are fantastic! he used to paint murals and he's all into art, photography, travelling and of course water stuff like surfing. so he is a beach bum yes. but he's got some substance. he's pretty cool. he wants to learn web stuff but he doesn't even have a computer! but he said he's a quick learner and asked me if i could teach him. rhetorically speaking though. altho, if i taught him web stuff and he taught me to surf, that would be really rad. i wonder if he'd be up for the trade of skills. hmmm....

FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!! i HATE the city of los angeles. fucking assholes. we went down to get a parking permit for our cars so that way we can park on the other side of the street and they said that the 500th block of burnside does not count for permits. only the 600th and on. and we explained that we live on the corner of 6th and burnside and they still wouldn't let us just cuz of the fucking computer system. they told us to call this place after we waited in this fucking building for like 20 minutes. i stuck my gum under the counter out of spite. we called on the way home and still nothing. it's like they are machines that repeat the same messages.

woman: you can't get a permit because your address does not allow for it. park on the 500th block of burnside.
me: but there is NO public parking on the 500th block of burnside.
woman: i'm sorry ma'am. you can't get a permit because you live on the 500th block which doesn't register for permits.
me: but i have a door that faces 6th street and i know everyone on 6th street has parking 78 permits.
woman: but your address isn't 6th street so we can't issue it.
me: can't you just stick it into the system to allow for people to get permits that live there.
woman: no ma'am. it's not that easy. you need to get a petition. it takes over a year.

i couldn't take it anymore and just hung up on the woman. i fucking hate the city. all they do is punch in letters and numbers and spit out stuff. if it doesn't match up then you're screwed. i fucking hate that. goddamn fucking system. ugh! i'm so fucking angry right now.

that pretty much sums up my summer thusfar. always taking photos. i got my portrait slides back and i took a few self-portraits. so i decided to take this particular one out of the mount and scan it to get the negative look on the side. then a slight tilt (11 degrees to be precise) to make it look rad.

and here is josh. i took some slides of him and now those of you who wondered what he looked like can finally see. cuz i never had a clear shot of his face. i always talked about how skinny he was and u can see that in the second photo. (yes, intense color alteration, but i think it looks rad) and now you can see what his face looks like. he's not that hot, but he's fucking sexy as all hell. =) and god is he skinny. oh, i love it! =)

fuck target's little cutesy credit card machines! i used it today and i just knew, i just knew that one day that thing would take my card and i'd forget it there. if you aren't aware, target has these new credit/debit machines where you don't swipe the card. it's sucks the card into the machine and then once the transaction is complete it spits the card out. so today i was in line and this wonky, crazy woman was behind me. and the guy at the register was preoccupied with the fact that he broke the seal on his pack of $1 bills. so i bought my pens and used my atm card. not paying attention, i took the receipt from the man and forgot my card. it's fucking bullshit though. cuz yeah i should have payed attention. but most credit card machines you swipe the card and are holding it the whole time. so u can't forget that u are holding your card. but this is so simple to forget. it's been sucked into the fucking machine. anyway, i realized i lost it just now as i tried to go to the atm and couldn't. so now a new one is on the way but i am atm cardless for about a week. which sucks cuz i have to go into the bank each time. good thing it's not BofA where they charge you to go into the bank! ugh. what a fucking hassle.

aww. i miss jason. he sent me his san francisco photos and these two are so funny. so typical jason. he's so far away! i hope he's doing ok out there. =)

my great day just came to a crashing hault. i was so happy when i saw josh. he made me so happy and then it just snowballed into the rest of the day. and then joey just called and now i'm upset for him. he wasn't very nice to me on the phone because he's all cracked out right now and he won't let me help him and he won't listen to me at all. and yet he wants to still be friends. but he hung up on me. i feel bad about it all but i don't know what to do. i can't help him if he doesn't want to be helped. so i sit with my hands tied and i feel bad. i don't to find out one day that he ODed from something when i know that if he really wanted to he could stop. ugh. =/

aww. good times. i went to josh's place today to shoot portaits of him for class. he made me feel better about my project cuz i was freaking out a bit. and it was just good to see him. it made me really happy to see him again actually. =) especially since i sorta went manic the other day. so it was good. all is well. and then i went to visit dan at his new apt. and that was fun. and i felt very at ease there. it was a good visit. in the middle of it all, jacob called me. and i thought he might have called earlier but then he didn't. so it was sorta ironic that he called. and we had a nice long chat. and that was really nice. i'm glad we are still keeping in contact. cuz i was just thinking about him the other day and i thought that we might have actually started to stray. but i guess he still cares enough to call. so that was nice. so yea. good times with boys i care about. =) and then i just sat down and ate with rick and michael at home and we had a good chat and it was just nice. i feel very peaceful right now and i'm happy about that. =)

club bang! we were gonna go last nite but then we didn't get there by 10:30 for the cheaper entry fee. people always tell me that somehow they never make it there by 10:30. and such was the case with us. oh well. another time. we ended up bar hopping which was only slightly fun since we really wanted to go to bang. there was weird gay-ish looking man at star shoes and we couldn't figure out his deal for the longest time. he was tall and he was dressed with a wifebeater and had makeup on and stuff. so we assumed he was gay by his clothes and his makeup and hair. anyhow, when we left star shoes to go to the burgundy room, we walked in and it was really really crowded and small. and i saw the gay man there. and as i passed by he sorta looked at me. but whatever. so we walk to the back only to find that the back is closer than we thought cuz there was a mirror to make the place look bigger. then all of a sudden, the gay man comes to the back and he stand RIGHTNEXTTOMEANDJESSICA. and we sorta were put off by this. cuz like all nite men here and there would come and stand near us and we weren't into them so we sorta had to make out own space. we didn't have the trust circle going cuz it was just the 2 of us and that doesn't make a circle. anyhow, so this man was RIGHT there. and he starts staring at me. and i felt really uneasy. so i sorta moved away and he kept staring! and so i didn't know what to do and at this point i started to doubt his gayness and just wanted to leave cuz i felt so awkward. he stares for a good 30 seconds and then he leans down and says, "are you in line?" and i said no. and then he finally turns away and stops staring. soooo creepy. so yea. that was weird. we ended up leaving the bars at last call and going to get pizza and hanging out there. i got really tired and wanted to go to bed. so we finally left at 3am. and that was that. today is semi-lazy day. i gotta shoot my last assignment for photography class. portraits. i gotta figure out who to shoot and stuff.

oh boy! yesterday was intense. first of all i had a million things to do. and i didn't get them all done. so i was all flustered. josh called me and that made me feel good. we talked about what i was so manic about the other day. i took some more shots of my final project and i think i'll be done with it by the end of tonight. thank god! i was so stressed last nite. and then we all decided we would go out to bars in los feliz. but before that we decided to do these liquid cocaine shots. they consist of jaeger, 151, rumplemintze, and goldschlager. they were supposed to taste like peppermint patties but they didn't! they were icky and STRONG. omg. we all did two shots. the boys did some more. i took a shot of something else. and i was completely fucked up. and we tried to go out but basically we got to the first bar. went to the bathroom. then went outside to get fresh air. emily began to puke which set me off and it was a nite of awfulness. everyone had to take care of us and it was crazy. emily and i ended up puking everything up and we passed out of adam's bed. bless adam. he was a real sport helping us out. jessica and lo did too. but adam sacrificed his bed and everything. he even helped with the puke. so yea. it was a mess. and this morning emily and i were completely hungover and felt like shit. i can't believe that 2 shots did that to us. cuz i mean normally if i drink too much i feel sick and puke and then i'm fine. but this was like when i puked i felt even worse. and everything was spinning and it was just a huge mess. this ranks with my france incident when i was 18 as well as my brownie incident in brighton this past summer. it was THAT bad. anyhow, i feel better now which is good. and we might go to club bang tonight. i would like that. i think it would be fun and there are a bunch of us that seem to want to go so it should be good times. i hope emily is up for it. cuz i want to go now. i feel better and ready to go.

on another note. photography. yes once again i am going manic. i found all this stuff i want to buy! oh boy. i bought this flash that has different colors and its really exciting. i think i can do some neat stuff with it. and i heard about this printing procedure called sloppy borders which looks cool to me. so i think i'll shoot some stuff like that. woo!

also. eric and matt said they do in fact want to come down to LA. eric said the weekend of august 15th would be good for him. i dont know about matt. but that would be way cool. i like those boys. =) it's funny cuz they are lydia's roommates yet they would prolly come without her cuz i dont think she has time. and i email them more than lydia. crazy! anyhow, exciting stuff.

vagrant records
5566 washington blvd.
los angeles, ca 90016
323.302.0100

that's the ACTUAL address for vagrant records. not the one that they stick on their website to fool you. this is the address where if you want to go in the office and give them your demo in person, go here. not to santa monica. why did i put this here? cuz i want people to go there in person and bug the shit out of them. =) so bring your demos to that address. buzz the front door and i bet they won't even know who you and will likely just let you in. new interns would always be let in the front and they don't know who they are til they are inside the building. so i'm sure you will get past the *tight* security. haha good luck!

MANIC!!!

well...today was productive. i turned in some of my slides. got them back. a lot of them were well underexposed because of the cross processing. so now i know. more overexposure is needed. but i have to reshoot some shots as a result. boo!!! but i shot the ones at jessica's apt today for the "party" scenes. i only have like 5 shots left. i'm excited. i'm going to develop 2 more rolls tomorrow. hopefully these will be less underexposed. i still have to scan them all in once i get them all back. that will be tedious. but then i can begin editing to the music. woo! how exciting. i am once again excited about my project. i just gotta cross my fingers that it will works. i still haven't shot my last assignment yet. the portrait one. ugh. it's hard to do two projects at the same time cuz the film is totally dif!!! boo. anyhow, i also talked to joey and met his new roommate over the phone. his name is jeremy and he's 33!!! and he was flirting with me on the phone. it was weird. i'm not sure how i feel about that. he's way too old for me. i just hope if i ever meet him in person he doesn't try any funny business!!! also, matt and eric have emailed me a few times. woo! they said they definitely want to come and visit down here. yay!! and eric found my blog which was no great surprise to me. i knew he would. cuz i remember him talking about how one of the potential new roommates emailed them from the ad they placed on craigslist and eric searched for her name on google. right then i knew he was like me. searching for people online. so of course he would easily find my blog. which means he knows that i like him. which i have no problem with. it's all good. anyhow, back to trying to scan the slides. my eyes hurt though. so this may end shortly.