well...i was wrong.

leave it up to josh to be the cure for insomnia. well, maybe not the cure per se, or at least all the time, haha...but the companion for insomnia since he suffers from it too. more so than me. i'm just jetlagged. he's always awake late. but at least our long and non-fluffy conversation saved some poor soul (i'm sure u know who u are) from having to read a potentially 15k+ email from me. ok, now off to try and get some sleep.

...or maybe just look up how to get tickets to the 2004 wimbledon championships!

oh dear god. i think the insomnia might ensue tonight once more. no good. we shall see. it's only 2am. and that's not that late for this chick. anyway, i stumbled upon my friend james' blog just now. i knew he had one before and i even looked at it. but at the time the font was soooo damned small i couldn't read ANYTHING! so i decided not to strain my eyes. but i fell into it again and this time i can read it. so i read a few entries. he doesn't seem to like radiohead's new album which i for one love, but that's ok. he's still my friend anyway. =)

oh i really hope i can sleep tonight. otherwise i won't know what to do when i wake up in the middle of the morning wishing i was dreaming happy dreams. this morning when i woke up at 2am, my dear my friend josh was online and we planned our dinner rendezvous for this thurs. i also learned he's actually giving a go at dating someone! way to go for josh. altho part of me is saying, "how come he didn't give it a go with me???" but that's ok. i know i couldn't date josh anyway. we aren't compatible enough. especially our basic schedules. they don't jive. hence the reason he's always up at like 4 fucking AM. anyway, i also went and bought some new ear jewelry since i broke one of mine in china. and yes i said ear jewelry and not earrings cuz i don't seem to really wear earrings anymore. it's more like ear stuff stuck inside my slightly enlarged piercings. i got 10g plugs coming. 10g doesn't seem too large. i've got 12g in my ear right now and the hole looks normal. so i think i'll be ok. ah, insomnia. if this happens to me this grand ole morning, i'll prolly end up writing an essay length email of sorts. we shall see.

i've been watching trailers and here are a list of movies i want to see this fall. if anyone wants to come with me, the company is most certainly welcome:

- l'auberge espagnole (missed it. so i gotta rent it)
- my life without me (out now)
- lost in translation (out now)
- school of rock (october 3)
- love actually (november)

i'm soooooo tired. i didn't get back to sleep til at least 5am. i woke up just now around 2pm. and that's only cuz they are doing all this construction outside. otherwise i could sleep more. i know i shouldn't but damn, i'm tired! this jetlag blows man. it really blows. it's always worse on the way back. going to the country u always seem to manage and get through. prolly cuz u don't want to cut into your sightseeing. but here i don't really have anything particular to do, so i can easily just say fuck it all and sleep. ugh!

jetlagged!!! i don't know what to do. yesterday i was sooo tired. cuz i didn't sleep on the plane really. and so by the time dinner rolled around i was barely able to make it. but i went and had a lovely dinner with brian at doughboys (oh what clean clean food!) and then went to bed at 10pm. now it's 3:30am and i'm awake!!! i shouldn't be awake but i am. i can see this becoming a trend. this happened to me when i went to england. i'd wake up at like 6 or 7am everyday til i got over the jetlag. this sucks!! i only have a week til school starts and i forgot i'm going to see interpol this wednesday...alone. no one wanted to go. i hope i don't fall asleep. i'm sorta losing interest. perhaps i'll scalp the ticket at the door. we shall see. anyway, i guess i'll try and get back to sleep soon. gah!!

back in LA! it's good to be home. nice and quiet and away from the folks. and i gained time! left tokyo at like 5:30pm sunday and arrived in LAX at 11am sunday. oh time travelling is the best. haha more to follow...

(tokyo time: 3:59pm)

couldn't resist. FREE internet courtesy of yahoo!cafe at the airport. great stuff. u can just type away til the plane is ready to board. or use the shower rooms or sleeping rooms for a small fee. nice airport. they evenhave really comfortable lounges with reclining chairs. and the japanese folk are so nice. they had to open up my suitcase to see the stuff and they were so nice about it. i was so happy to comply. anyway, not much to say. just wanted to note that i'm blogging for free from the comforts of narita airport. boarding starts in 1 hr. cya!

(tokyo time: 9:11pm)

so i lied. just one more entry. i went and checked friendster and it turns out that one message i sent to my friend came out looking something like this!

?"???@?·?@?--?...???"?@?"???@?????-???"?@?...?^?H?@?"???'?'?(TM)
?@?"?^???"?@???"?@?"???????...???@???OE?OE?@???·??? ?"?@?"?^???"?@?S?????????...?"?...?@? ?????-???????@???...?@???'???...???I?I?I?@?"???'?'?(TM)?D?@???@
???...?"?@??????? ???'? ?"???????@?·???@?????'?...?@?"???^?????OE?@???...?~?"?@??????
?"?^?D?@?--...?@?"?^???·?OE???@?^???????@???·?"?@ ???...?????'?...?@???@?"?"???'?"?D?@?"???·?????@?????????H

it must be because i was using the japanese keyboard and hit one of the keys that allows u to type in japanese. sometimes it fucks up even tho what u see on the screen is english. cuz it's got this weird spacing and underlining. i guess i just didn't realize it would look like that. i forgot what the message said but it looks fucking rad. haha ok that's it for real this time. until i get home...

(tokyo time: 9:00pm)

the squeaking sound of my mom's crappy ass globus tour bag is really starting to get to me. and so are my parents. i'm cracking like no other. luckily i only have a 10 hour flight with them! haha no, that will be ok. we'll all be sleeping a good part of it. either that or eating and watching movies. and then once i arrive at LAX, i will be free. rick will come get me and it will be lovely. just lovely. i miss LA. i never thought i'd say that, but i do. i'm tired. my back hurts. my parents are getting to me like NO OTHER! all the stares and glances are tiresome. i want to eat something healthy again. i can't wait to get some yogurt and cottage cheese. u have no idea! don't get me wrong. i love travelling. but not with my parents. not for this long.

today was another outing in tokyo. nice weather today. no earthquakes thankfully. haha we went to the western side today. yesterday was the eastern side. we saw the meiji shrine. nice. lots of goth type chicks stand around the outside of it. it's interesting. there are a lot of characters here in tokyo. lots of different looks. the 80s look here is hardcore. they have that shit down. they could beat out any bang girl any day! the schoolgirls even wear legwarmers with their pennyloafer type shoes! there are just a lot of crazy styles. in one part of town we saw a bunch of really really really tanned japanese girls who wear the short ass skirts and really pointy shoes. it's incredible. and they all have dyed brown or even lighter hair.

on another note, my quest for the hello kitty vibrator is over. sad sad. i couldn't find it. since they don't make it anywhere, none of the sanrio's or porn shops we saw had it. boo fucking hoo. BUT, i found something else at the last minute randomly that only half made up for it. but i can't say, cuz i don't want to ruin the surprise for eric and matt. =)

anyway, tokyo is a trip and i gotta come back here and visit jason too. i've had a good taste of tokyo so when i return i won't really need to go EVERYWHERE. but that's good. cuz that will give me more time to see jason!! yay. =) so that's all for now. the next time i blog will be on the other side of the pacific. until then...

(tokyo time: 9:37pm)

well. here i am. back at the free internet. woo! still crap weather in tokyo. muggy with some slight drizzle. early this morning we had a massive earthquake. 8.0 magnitude located about 800 miles north of tokyo. but i still felt it. it woke me up. it was like 4:50am. i felt my bed shaking and i couldn't figure out why. did i make it shake? was it really an earthquake? turns out it was. i watched the news and checked cnn.com just now. crazy shit. my parents didn't wake up for it but i did. i could barely sleep last night. between my dad snoring so fucking loud, the earthquake, and then my mom turning on all the lights when she woke up like 3 hrs before me (she takes FOREVER to get ready). and i didn't get much sleep the night before when we came to tokyo cuz we had to leave the hotel at 6am. so basically today i am running on empty. and i can feel it. i feel tired. my body feels crappy cuz of my period. just everything. so yea. anyway, tokyo is rad and i definitely want to come back to visit jason. i just called him now and it sucked that we couldn't talk longer, but he has guests over. oh well. i'm definitely going to visit him when the weather is good and i round up the money. so soon enough! =)

basically we walked around a lot today and shopped here and there. i bought some more stationery cuz i'm a stationery whore. haha we saw a few "love hotels" which are basically hotels u can go to for either a "rest" or a "stay." a rest is like 3 hours and costs about $50. it's for that midday quickie. haha a stay is for overnight. it costs about $70. fun fun. apparently foreigners can't use them anymore cuz they had problems in the past or something. tomorrow we are going to a part of town where there are more i think. and where the movie blade runner got it's inspiration. sex and casino shit. here in tokyo they have loads of places where adults play pachinko which is a game form of gambling. very noisy and smokey in those places. very strange. and they also have loads of machines that have those toys to collect. and the people here collect the sets. i saw stores where u can buy the ones u need to finish the set or if u are too lazy, u can just buy the whole set right there. and they aren&t cheap! anyway, japan is crazy. funky toilets and sinks. all electronic. fun stuff. tomorrow is the last full day. basically we had half a day yesterday. a full day today and tomorrow. then a few hours on sunday before we leave. definitely NOT enough time. so i MUST return. plain and simple. hehe

i remembered one dream last night. not really all the much. it was about brian and i was sooo damned antsy and i told him that and so we decided that since we both we're antsy we'd cave to it and just hook up with each other. i can't remember details of it cuz i barely remember it at all. but that was the jist of it. it's quite true tho. i'm so damned antsy i'm not sure what to do. when i get home i'm gonna freak out i think. over here i have an excuse not to hook up. but once i get home i'll just be even more antsy and jealous of all my non-single friends. gah!

oh. one more tidbit. here in japan they do still pass out fliers on the street. that's standard around the world i think. but right now the trend is to pass out tissue with advertisements. funny stuff. i'm collecting them! i think i have about 6 different kinds. i could have had more but sometimes they won't give them to us cuz we aren't japanese. boo!!! discrimination. in china it was just the opposite. they handed me all this crap i didn't want and couldn't read. here they are selective. oh the japanese. civilized and organized too! =)

(tokyo time: 10:38pm)

as it says, i'm in tokyo now. just go in today. it's rainy outside due to the typhoon that passed not long ago. but i can tell i will like this city anyway. too bad i'm only here for 2 more days. boohoo. i MUST come back to visit jason cuz i want to see sooooo many musuems and such. damned place is expensive though. and i've already gone a bit manic with the stationery. eesh. anyway, i forgot to mention that in xi'an i found me a seagull TLR at a bazaar and got the man down to like $32. woo!! for those that don't know, this is basically what i got. only it's old of course. god i hope the baby works! =) it's medium format. woohoo. it's like the diana camera only a REAL camera. not a toy. god this could be an awesome find it the baby works. or else an expensive mantle piece. haha

anyway, so shanghai wasn't that great. we did half a day of sightseeing yesterday and then a few hours of shopping only basically we walked around this one area a lot cuz we didn't know what else to do. all the stores were the same so i got bored. and so did my parents. the sightseeing wasn't even that good. we went up the 3rd tallest building in the world tho. it's the hyatt hotel there. 420.5m tall. that was neat. altho i have another uncivilized chinese story.

i was going to the bathroom and there were 2 stalls. one looked open so i pushed the door. there was an old chinese woman in there tho and she didn't lock the door!! so i waited cuz the other stall was occupied. then this other chinese woman comes in and starts to undo her pants while she's standing there. once the other stall opens up, this woman cuts me off and goes in. what the fuck?? no manners!! so i wait some more. then the elderly woman comes out and she didn't flush the fucking toilet!! so it smelled and i had to flush it. then i go and as i'm going, i hear that the woman who cut me off didn't flush either! and so the people that went in after had to flush it. sheesh. those damned chinese people. uncivilized indeed.

then we went to the waterfront but it was sorta hazy. not that great. and then the musuem but that was only marginally fun cuz i'm not into ceramics and bronze in musuems. the calligraphy and chinese paintings were nice tho. so yea. the shopping and sightseeing sucked. shanghai is just like a regular city. not much to really see. it's really modern. at night we went to see this acrobatic show. that was fun. young kids doing crazy stunts. 2 girls who can bend every bone in their body and have massive amounts of strength in their arms. i wish i could do that! some magic stuff too and a bit of comedy. it was fun overall. but yea, shanghai is not the place for me. i'm glad we only had one full day there. i wouldn't have known what to do if we had stayed longer.

so like i said. i'm in tokyo now. the internet is FREE at my hotel. and we can print too. what a lovely thing. =) oh and speaking of toilets from above. the toilets here at the hotel at like the one's that dan and his roommates have. those fancy schmancy japanese kind that basically wipe your ass and everything. haha good stuff. i haven't used the extra features tho. oh and i didn't remember my dreams from last night. so sad. that great fun is all over. =( i would say this would be my last entry but since it's free to use the net, i'll prolly come here every night before bed just to check email since i can. what can i say? i'm and internet whore. until next time...

(shanghai time: 9:15pm)

alright. so the last entry i was about to leave tibet the next day for xi'an. well, i just came from xi'an tonight. i am now in shanghai. i will continue with updates.

xi'an was cool. it was a lot larger of a city than i expected. i thought it would be a sorta small place with basically some country land and whatnot. cuz it's famous for the terra cotta warriors which are basically these huge statues of warriors from the qin dynasty. there are thousands of them that were barried in 3 different pits for the emperor at the time. he wanted to make a life size statue for each man in his army so he could take them into the afterlife with him. but then the uprising army went and burned most of the warriors and broke them so once they were unearthed in 1974, they had to be restoration of them. sorry, that's a shitty explanation but u get the idea. they are life-size statues of armymen and there are thousands of them and they built 3 buildings around the 3 pits where the warriors are located. it's fucking rad basically and i took loads of photos. so that's what we did the first full day (yesterday) we were in xi'an. saw the warriors and then went to 2 musuems.

we went to the history musuem where i saw a guy that reminded me of josh from behind cuz he was tall and skinny and had longish hair. i bet he looked nothing like josh from the front but i'm seriously fucking antsy and in need of human young american male contact. haha seriously. i am NOT shitting you. anyway, so we went to that musuem, then to this calligraphy one where basically we saw a lot of large tablets which some beautiful chinese calligraphy on them. i liked that place. nice and peaceful.

then the next day (today), we only had like half a day in xi'an before going to the airport to come here to shanghai. so today we saw a mosque and went onto the city wall (it surrounds the innermost part of xi'an). we had a hotpot dinner. for those of you who don't know, hotpot is when you are given all the meat and veggies and every thing raw, and then u have this hot pot with water that boils over fire and you cook all the food in that pot. it's fun and cool. we had individual hotpots which was nice and convenient to fish out the food you wanted. like i said, xi'an is a lot more modern than i expected. stores and lights and whatnot all over. not what i expected. sorta nice. the traffic is just as bad if not worse than beijing. i should have taken video there! now i'm in shanghai and i expect it to be just all shopping. people say that shanghai is the most westernized of all the chinese cities with it's skyscrappers and loads of stores. we are only here one full day and so we plan to see a few sights and stores and then go to this acrobatic show at night after dinner. i'm excited for that.

now that we are at normal altitude, slowly i am losing the ability to remember my insane dreams. the last night in tibet i had a really scary dream that involved a party at our house with everyone hooking up except me (read: i am REALLY antsy!!) because this woman was trying to kill me because i was trying to protect the baby that she was trying to kill for insurance or something insane like that. it was scary so i tried to forget it. the day after that in xi'an i had some more dreams that i remember but will not retell because it partly involves eric and basically i'm entirely embarrassed that he's in my dreams all the time now it seems. bah!

i think that's about it for now. earlier we used the internet at the hotel because we didn't think we could find this place down the street and communicate with the people. but we found this place and it's only yuan 3/hr which is like $0.35/hr or something. and at the hotel we paid yuan 2/min for 7 minutes just so i could email rick and emily about semi-important stuff. so we feel like puds. but whatever. probably i'll post once more from tokyo since i had to check my email there to make sure rick is getting me from the airport. until then...

(tibet time: 5:27pm)

yet another entry from tibet! the internet cafe here is so cheap. yuan 4/hr = $0.50/hr. not to mention we always have downtime btwn sightseeing and dinner. anyway, just when i thought 12,000ft was high enough, we went higher today! 5,000m = 16,5000ft approximately. we went up the side of this mountain in this 4 wheel drive land cruiser (toyota has really captured the market here) and it took like 2hrs. i was seriously freaking out on those sharp turns up there cuz there is no rail. basically it's just a narrow road with us going up. good lord. u know how much i hate heights. i was about to shit meself! but the view up there was beautiful. the holy lakes are quite blue. there were a bunch of yaks up there too. fun fun. oh, and in case the altitude here is getting to u, u can buy an oxygen can for like $2.50. haha i don't need one but my parents do cuz they are old. haha seriously, they bitch about the altitude everyday and they were the ones that wanted to come here so badly. today's trek up to the top of the mountain was the most interesting thing here so far. we went to another monastery yesterday and it was soooo boring. 2 hrs of talk about all the dalai lama's. 1 thru 14. sheesh! and on the way down we took the back exit i swear. we passed by lots of sewers and over entirely unpaved walkways. like to the point where u could easily sprain your ankle. i should have known and brought better shoes. my chuck taylors aren't quite right for that stuff. but alas i am fine. slow steps do the trick. i'm young! my parents are not. that's another story. haha and i wish i had a camera that captured smells. oh boy. i'd have some good ones!!

so the altitude has proved to be fucking with my dreams. either it's making me have weird dreams, or just making me remember them. i'm not sure. but last night i had 2 weird ones. the first i was shopping and basically had a discussion with some american women about how usually at least one person in a group of girls always gets noticed by the men. like all the time. and so the rest of the girls feel jealous of that one girl. that was like the whole dream. but it seemed long. the other one was about my old internship place. they had a job opening and me, emily, a former employee, and some guy applied for the job. and of course the former employee got the position! altho after he left the office, the employees there would talk shit about him. for real. not in the dream. and so he got the job (altho he has a band now so i don't know why he went back to that shithold company!) and then the next day he was holding this concert in my backyard. thrice and some other lesser known band. and then thrice didn't want to play for some reason so then the hardcore kids there had to help the second band go on. and it's chaos in my house. meanwhile, i'm inside with melissa and i'm freaking out that i'm pregnant. altho when i think about it, i haven't had sex in soooo long that basically i'd be really pregnant but not showing. so it didn't seem possible. but i wanted to get a test anyway. and that was the dream basically. i think the whole pregnant thing is cuz i feel fat from eating so much. altho lately i haven't eaten as much which is good. but tomorrow we go to xi'an and are staying at a nicer hotel. so i bet we'll be eating much more again. bah!!

anyway, then the night before that, i had this dream about flying home from here. basically we were rushing to get on the plane and then we got on but we didn't have seats together and i had to sit far from my parents next to this girl. but then the girl left her seat for another so they could make room for the passengers that were sitting on the floor. then the new guy that sits next to me is brandon litman!!! and so we were catching up and saying how fucking weird it was that we were sitting next to each other. and then we started making out just so my parents could see and get all pissy or whatever. it was funny. then we find out the plane is delayed. so then i get up to look at some clothes cuz the plane turns into a slight store. this hot half chinese half white guy comes up to me and wants to talk to me. cuz he's interested. i can tell cuz he's talking with his guy friends first. of course i want to talk to him cuz he's cute and it's a boring ass plane ride, but we all have to return to our seats cuz they tell us too. so then i'm sitting elsewhere and next to some other guy. and he's sorta cute too. and we chat a bit. then all of a sudden it's like the plane is my house and it's a party cuz there are all these people. and who should walk in but....eric! god damnit. i think i'm going fucking mad. seriously, what the hell is wrong with me? anyway, so he comes in wearing what he wore to our party and holding a party cup. i ask him, "what are you doing here???" and he says, "why do u think i'm here?" and then we hug for a long time and basically we both know why he is here.

so basically i'm fucking insane and the altitude is making me remember these dreams really easily. like a couple a night. that's unreal. i never remember 2 dreams in one night. i'm lucky if i remember 1 dream a week. and then it's usually hard to remember. but here i can remember it through my sleep!! crazy. fun tho. i think i'm getting really fucking antsy too. cuz i'm always dreaming about boys and shit like that. i think u know what the "shit like that" is. haha

aside from the crazy dreams and high altitude, we went to this bazaar yesterday and my dad bought some pants. and there was no place to try them on so he tried them on over his own pants and the old ladies gave him a chair to sit on and plastic to stand on so his feet wouldn't get dirty. fucking funny shit. i took a photo or two. then today some tourist thought i worked at a store and asked me how much something cost! haha do i look THAT asian? i guess so. people certainly do give me some hard stares for whatever reason. and the women point to my face and say, "ok!" while giving a thumbs up. how nice. =) oh and i didn't quite explain how shopping in beijing works as opposed to here. here it's normal. take the product to the register or rather, counter to pay. or just pay the person that works there cuz it's a tiny ass shop. that's more likely. but in beijing, if it's a big enough store, like i said. u walk in and people work at different sections. if u want to buy something, u give it to that person standing there. they fill out a slip with the product and the price. add up the total and give u the slip in triplicate. u take that to the cashier (there are usually a few depending on the size of the store) and pay. then u bring back 2 of the 3 slips. the person takes one slip and u take one and the stuff u bought. creates lots of paperwork and more jobs. cuz just imagine a large dept store. 1 or 2 workers per section. a few cashiers. yea, crazy.

anyway, i guess i don't have much else to say. i'm leaving tibet tomorrow. thankfully. there isn't much to this place. all the "interesting" sights can be seen in like 1 day. 2 if u are slow. but hey. i can't complain really. my parents took me and paid the whole way. so yea. good stuff. still looking for some gifts for some folks. can't spend the whole time shopping but usually we set aside half a day or night time since we don't sightsee at night. u know, old parents. don't go out a hell of a lot at night. that's why i get so bored here. after dinner i still have energy and want to do stuff. but no. they don't. they are tired and want to stay in. and being out by myself isn't the safest in these places. SOOOO many people begging, day and night. if only i could have hooked up with that young guy. altho i saw him in the breakfast room like i said. and he looks sorta like an asshold. so whatever. ok that's it. i'll update from some other city prolly since i gotta get an email response from jason before toyko. until then...

(tibet time: 7:11pm)

make date with healthy

this was on a sign in beijing. good ole chinese. bad at translating. anyway, i'm in tibet right now. internet is pretty cheap so i will write all has been going on. so forgive me, but this will be long.

so we had complications from the start. our flight from LA to tokyo was delayed due to a typhoon. so then we got to toyko late and missed our connecting flight to beijing. so we had to stay in tokyo for the night. we finally got to beijing and met with our tour guide. basically it's me and my parents in each city with our own personal tour guide and driver. sorta nice. parents are annoying the fuck out of me but oh well. what can i do? also, i realize i can't go on tours with them or tours in general anymore cuz i much prefer the whole rugged going with a friend and backpacking it. that sorta thing. like when i was with rick in europe. soooo nice! anyway, when we got to beijing we had to go through quarantine inspection before entering the country. basically we went through this area where they used infrared to scan us. if your temperature is over 38 C then u are suspect for SARS. i was 37.6 i think. it's sorta weird for me to be back in asia. haven't been here in a long time. i forgot what it's like. how uncivilized it is. i'm so used to europe where things are a bit better. here the people just spit on the ground and could in effect, spread TB. and on one flight this man behind me pushed my chair back when i tried to recline it!!! i tried twice and he pushed twice. i looked at him and his friends who had theirs reclined and said something. then my dad said something and finally he let me recline mine. good god!! and when i was in line to see chairman mao, all the people just pushed and shoved. i can't handle it.

so beijing was nice. the smog there is worse than LA. it's so bad it's crazy. the great wall was fucking amazing. (as i type people are spitting on the floor behind me in this building!!!) the great wall is like the ultimate steps. only my housemates would understand. tianamen's square is basically a breeding ground for people to just try and sell you anything. good ole asia. the forbidden city is where the emperors used to live. it's fucking massive and right in the middle of the city. chairman mao's mausoleum is like ho chi minh's. long ass line to get in. u have to keep walking. no stopping. no photos. and mao looks like plastic. just like ho chi minh. now i just have to see lenin and i've collected all my waxed leaders! haha the traffic in beijing was utterly insane. 11 million people live there and there are lots of cars around. there are some traffic lights but basically it doesn't matter. i took a short video of how it works. u have to run for your life or else they will hit u. even if u have the right of way, really u don't. it's crazy. lots of people seem to think i am chinese cuz i have black hair. and since my dad is white and my mom doesn't look to chinese, they all must think i'm adopted. haha some people have approached us to try and speak english and practice. one little girl came up to us with her parents. she was so cute. she spoke well for only being 9 yrs old. =)

shopping in beijing is weird. the system creates a lot of paperwork but also a lot of jobs. basically when u walk into a store, there are people standing at different stations. like the stationery part, the electronics, etc. they encourage your to buy stuff as if you are on the streets and they are approaching you. it's sorta funny. my parents tell me that beijing is a lot different than when they were there in 1981. more stores and newer buildings. but basically i think the practices are the same. cuz they are manic to try and get u to buy. my thoughts are that they use the same tactics as selling on the street and that the walls of the stores are mere conventions of modern times. and speaking of modern times. CELL PHONES!!! drive me fucking crazy in beijing. EVERYONE has one. and EVERYONE is using them all the time. when we got off the plane, before we disembarked, everyone turned on their cell phones to get their voicemails. and everyone's phones were ringing. it's like that everywhere. fucking insane. worse than LA i swear.

i've been eating a lot of good food and i fear i've gained weight. ugh. prolly a little. i'll just fast when i get home. haha no i won't. but i'll think about it and hope it wishes the weight away. haha we were in beijing for 3 days i think and when we left, that morning it was raining. it didn't rain while we were there thankfully. but as a result, we almost missed our flight!!! the traffic was 10x worse than when there is no rain. for 15 min we were at a gridlock. NO cars were moving. insane! our tour guide rose had to run and hustle to get us on the plane. it was cute and funny. she was a nice lady. i miss her. our tour guide here isn't as cute and funny. we made it on the plane and now we are in tibet.

tibet isn't it's own country but there is a lot of political mess such that we can't dicuss any of it with our tour guide in public. people will be upset. we are in lhasa which is the capital of tibet. it's 3650m in altitude which is like 12,000ft. we got here yesterday and my dad had altitude sickness. i had a hard time breathing. but now i'm acclimated and fine. lhasa is a very small "city." i would call it a town but i guess it's a city. it reminds me of vietnam. very primitive. there is a lot of religion here and everything surrounds the dalai lama who doesn't even live in tibet anymore and can't come back ever. we've seen a monastery and the potala palace which has the tombs of all the dalai lama's. the incense is very intense in these places and it gives me a headache and makes it a bit hard to breathe when coupled with the altitude. our tour guide is really thorough so we spend a lot of time in each place which i don't think is necessary, especially when my nose is going nuts from the incense and my head starts to hurt. but alas, how can u tell someone to go faster and not be so thorough. it's disrespectful. so i suffer silently. i've seen one young white person here. today at the hotel. it was lovely. u know how when u don't see anyone near your age and whatnot for awhile u sorta like cling to the one u see. well, i didn't cling, but stared a lot. he reminds me of dominic. piercings, skater clothes, outgoing from afar, etc. he's in a tour group that is staying at our hotel. perhaps i'll see him at dinner or breakfast and we can chat. who knows. i took my first piss in a traditional chinese toilet today at lunch. hole in the ground style. no TP. drip dry. woohoo! i've taken a lot of photos so far. digital and lomo. my film has not been x-rayed yet except the one roll in my camera in beijing. not too shabby. i thought for sure they wouldn't hand check over here. i've been lucky.

i've had 2 vivid dreams while i've been gone and both surround the idea of leaving here for a day and flying back to america to see my friends. sorta strange. i think it means i miss home. basically both dreams also involved eric and brian. so i definitely have boys on the brain. in the first one eric actually said he'd give it a shot for us to date. but also we lived in the same city and in one huge rec center. josh was in it too and i was jealous of all the girls he gets with. and rick was trying out to be the singer in their band. sorta funny but an enjoyable dream. the second dream i had last nite and again, i was home for one day to visit before flying back to asia. in the beginnng eric was not nice to me and he lived with brian too! their roommate was a girl in a band but i didn't see her play. later eric was nice and in so many words said he wanted to date. and we nearly kissed. again, we lived in the same city. very strange dreams but i remembered them well and wrote them down. i wonder if i will dream more about leaving asia temporarily to visit the US for a day. i'm having a good time here so i don't know why i'd dream that. but i did. and of course, boys are always on the brain. gah. crush the crush!!! that is all for now. perhaps i will get online somewhere again and update my voyage. until then...

i'm so lame. i go to bars and never talk to anyone. i know that's the point of bars. to talk to people. but i just don't. we ran into some friends at one bar tonight and i ended up talking about web design with him. god i'm such a nerd. i don't know if i even want to meet anyone at a bar. gah. i'm so sick of gawking at these pseudo hot guys in bars. the skinny ass hipster types. i want a boy that i would be comfortable around. i won't even give a comparison. we all know who that person would be. gah! i really need to crush this crush. i'm so lame and retarded. liking someone who i pretty much assume doesn't like me back. AND doesn't even live here. god. what's wrong with me?

brian came over earlier after my parents left. man my parents were here a long time just talking michael's ear off. it was quite comical. then they left and brian came. aww brian. so cute. i liked the shirt he was wearing. it was nice. he came over just to hang out for a smidge and basically say goodbye to me. how nice. when we were about to hug goodbye, we bonked heads by accident. it was funny. i'll miss brian. i'll miss my roommates. i'll miss everyone i interact with on a regular basis. i'll even miss the people i email and chat with regularly. haha yea, i'm lame. goodnight and goodbye.

well. the photos aren't stellar but here are a couple i liked for one reason or another. look at john. kissing me. good lord. i remember that. he always tells me how attractive i am and how much he likes me and crap. and then the next day it's like i'm not even there. damn that john. he is a looker tho. haha and look at the shotwell boys. so cute. well not that cute in the photo. but all 3 are in the shot. so that's cool. =) and then the bookmobile just looks rad i think. the colors are nice. parents are here now. the packing was quick cuz i got it all ready ahead of time. i'm good. efficient. quick! =)

parents should be coming soon. i've got all my shit on my bed ready to be packed. and tonight i am now going to some random industry party at cinescape in hollywood. i was going to possibly go have some drinks with john and his friends at star shoes, but then this came along and sounds more interesting. altho if there's in and outs, i might meet up with him for a drink since the two bars are right next to ear other. eh. whatever. like i said. john hardly calls me anymore anyway. so bah. i'm all antsy and aggrevated. i want to just get my shit packed and get on with my day. i have to pick up my photos. i should do that now. i hope there are some good ones. we'll see!

i had some weird dreams last nite. i think because i know i'm leaving the country tomorrow. altho the dreams didn't correlate to anything about leaving. they were just weird and random. one having to do with people from my old internship. bah!! invading my dreams!! one i can't remember really but when i woke up i was really fucking angry. one had to do with buying wax to wax my legs. and one there was this guy who saw me come out of the shower and said i looked so beautiful that he wanted to so a sketch of me right then and there. there were more i know but i can't remember. really fucking random and weird tho. anyway, my nose itches a lot right now and i just got a letter from jason on this super cute stationery. it's getting me all excited for my trip. parents come in about 3 hours!!! at least my emotional mess of last nite is all long gone. thankfully. didn't think i could get so worked up about that stuff but i guess i can. perhaps bottling it up for a long time is just not a good idea. anyway, shower time and all that jazz.

i'm bored with myself. sorta just wasting the time away til i leave. perhaps not the wisest thing to do. but i don't really know what else to do. i feel lonely and bored. people are around...ish. can't seem to get out of the funk. prolly just sleep it off.

my back hurts and i really need a massage. brian and i discussed how this could be possible and it turned out quite comical. him wearing swim trunks and flippers. me wearing a bikini top and goggles. this is all of course to maximize hand to flesh contact and get the best massage possible. this won't occur of course. so i'll just go with my back hurting.

i haven't spooned in awhile and i think at this point i'd rather have a spooning and/or cuddling partner than a fuck friend. surely i haven't fucked in awhile either, but human contact is much nicer than an outright fuck. at least in my eyes.

my parents come in approximately 17 hours. then the countdown begins to when the first argument will occur. i give it 3 days. that's enough time for us to get settled into the asian atmosphere.

i have two notes on the notes section of my wall calendar. one says "josh -- dinner" and the other says "john -- guitar, cd." every month since i left college, i have been transferring those notes to the next month's notes section. u know why? cuz those 2 fucks never call me anymore. i rarely see them and sometimes i feel like a second rate friend. i hate that shit. i know how it goes though. the whole hierarchy of friendships. like when i made my list of people to send postcards too. i basically was ranking people. it's that sorta thing. and i just don't come up too high in the ranks with those boys it seems. hence the notes fwd over every month. most of the time i don't care cuz i have a lot of other friends. but here and there it bothers me. tonight is one of those nights.

i sent out an email to a lot of people saying i was going away just to remind them basically. i stuck a P.S. on there that said who would get what of mine should something fatal happen to me and my family. i think that bit is the only reason half those fuckers replied to my email. it got some laughs though. especially me giving josh my condoms should i pass on. haha he can then fuck safely in my memory.

i'm going to miss my blog while i'm gone. but that just means a lot more journal writing which is good cuz once i got this damned blog, my journal suffered a bit. it's sad really. but i try and keep it up. and plus, all the really important stuff goes in the journal anyway.

goddamn my breath wreaks of garlic!

i went to dinner with rick and ended up spewing a lot of stuff about my family that i haven't really talked about in a long time. or at length with lots of people. and now i feel all emotional as a result. and i irrationally sent an emotional email to someone and i'm sorry to spew like that. i should have had some alone time first as not to have to write such an incoherant passage. but i had already hit send and i can't revoke it. sorry.

i have this song stuck in my head. yes yes it's robbie williams. total britpop cheese. but i love him. just LOVE him! =) guilty pleasure til i die.

something beautiful
- robbie williams

you can't manufacture a miracle
the silence was pitiful that day.
a love is getting too cynical
passion's just physical these days
you analyze everyone you meet
but get no sign, love ain't kind
every night you admit defeat
and cry yourself blind

chorus
if you can't wake up in the morning
cause your bed lies vacant at night
if you're lost, hurt, tired or lonely
can't control it, try as you might
may you find that love that won't leave you
may you find it by the end of the day
you won't be lost, hurt, tired and lonely
something beautiful will come your way

the dj said on the radio
life should be stereo, each day
in the past you cast the unsuitable
instead of some kind of beautiful, you just couldn't wait
all your friends think you're satisfied
but they can't see your soul no, no, no
forgot the time feeling petrified, when they lived alone

repeat chorus

some kind of beautiful (will come your way)
(x4)

all your friends think you're satisfied
but they can't see your soul no no no
forgot the time feeling petrified
when they lived alone

repeat chorus

getting ready for the big trip. i bought all my film and i have decided to bring 8 rolls with me. 6 rolls of various slide films which i will cross process, and 2 rolls of negative film (1 color and 1 b&w). being the anal weird nerdy girl that i am, i have labeled my film containers with the type of film for easy access. yes yes. entirely anal and nerdy. but hey, it's me. and i do that sort of shit. i don't want my film getting mixed up with my dad's which could easily happen since we are bringing so much with us.

this is one of josh's new friendster photos. i think he looks so cute. sorta sleepy looking. aww josh. =)

o2h virgin party -- 09.05.03

the page is done. i won't be making shit like that for awhile. not for nothing. too tedious. i thought thumbnails would be lovely for people. make it easier. surely it does. but fuck me. i hate doing it. and yes yes, there are programs that do it for you. upload the photos and they spit out thumbnails and coding for the page. but that's the cheap and dirty way. u have to have the shit look the way they want it to usually. i just can't be bothered. i don't want to take the time to run cgi scripts on my server and all that jazz that i really don't know much about. and hells bells, if i could write my own script i would. but we all know i'm not that savvy. so this is what we've got to work with. like it or "eat shit." haha...ah yes, dominic (not bruno), where are you? =) oh and yes, i wanted the stuff on the page to be thin and narrow. i liked the aesthetic.

so. apparently brian just now caught up on my blog. yikes! he had to read a crapload. but that also meant he went through ALL the stuff about me liking him and eric. i got back home (and my parking spot was STILL open!!! someone out there must love me) and we had a lovely little chat about it. it was funny cuz i thought this whole time that he had read it and was just totally dismissing it all and not even saying anything about it. as if he didn't know. but really he didn't! well, actually, he did in a sense. cuz we both sorta always knew about all of this. and so our chat was simple. we didn't have much to say. basically things are just the way they were. we've both thought of each other to fill each other's voids. we've both been told to hook up with each other. and we both enjoy each other's company. so it's all really the same. no awkwardness. and if we ever find the time right, perhaps one day we will hook up. but until then, everyone will have to get off our backs about how we should date each other. cuz we aren't going to.

so that was simple. and god do i feel better about that. i love brian. no awkwardness. and we're still the best of buds. =) i wonder if eric will come to me with some sort of verbage about all of this much the way brian did. perhaps not since he and i aren't on the same level. but i'm pretty sure he's read it all. so he knows everything. perhaps i'll get some lengthy email about it. or chat. or nothing. maybe he will go on the way i thought brian was. knowing about it all but choosing not to bring it up. who knows. i expect nothing. either way, right now i'm fucking with photos from the party and sticking them on a makeshift page. URL to be disclosed when i'm done.

quiz time! god i love these. so lame. so fun.

what kind of foreplay are you?

you are slowly undressing someone
your foreplay is slow, seductive, and totally transparent.
when you want some, you take action!
and you turn your lover completely on in the process.
you've been known to undress with your teeth.
and kiss all over. if it involves talent and time...
well, let's just say you have plenty of both.

my thoughts: haha....umm..i guess. i would say that sorta fits me yea.

what kind of piercing are you?

you are a nipple piercing!

you're crazy and uninhibited, even with people you just met.
you're likely to be bisexual - and take both sexes at the same time.
you've got the boobs of a supermodel.
and all your shirts are a size too small!

my thoughts: umm...no! that's not me at all. haha i do wear shirts that are small but other than that, this is not me.

when i'm home alone, i tend to get bored and write a lot on my blog. hence the plethora of entries lately. i just finished cleaning the kitchen which was a filthy mess. the floor is still gross but i'm leaving that for rick. cleaning the counter tops and whatnot was work enough. i also did my laundry and i got a lovely postcard in the mail from jason. god how i love japanese stationery! i dont expect that i will buy all that much on this trip, but i intend to buy lots of pen, pencils, and various stationery items. and of course i will bring back various trinkets for friends. but i don't expect any large purchases. if i was savvy enough, i'd get a new cell fone there and then do whatever it is u need to switch it to work over here. but since i don't know that crap, i won't bother.

and speaking of postcards and trinkets for people. here is the one hangup i always have when i travel. a lot of my friends live with each other. but when u think about sending postcards and giving gifts, u sorta like rank people and only give to the top x amount. whatever u deem is a good cutoff. so it's not terribly hard to smuggle in a gift to friend A when B (their roommate) isn't looking. u just tell them that u didn't get their roommate anything and leave it at that. but postcards u sorta have to send it to everyone in the house i feel. cuz u can't really ignore the fact that the postcard is addressed to only one person. but i really hate that clumping of people. cuz honestly, if some of my friends didn't live together, some would get postcards and some wouldn't. so now the postcard becomes WAY less personal cuz it's going to a group of people where u have to generalize everything. and in the first place u didn't really want to send it to all those people anyway! bah. i'm making my postcard list now and running into at least 4 or 5 of these types of situations.

sitting here alone in this empty house, it is now fully sinking in that yes jen, u must find new boys to like. or at least stop liking brian and eric. i don't think i want to seek out new boys to like. it's too much trouble. too much work. and in the end, too much disappointment. so i'll prolly just be antsy and whatnot for awhile til i can't handle it anymore. perhaps i need to reevaluate my situation (or perhaps that's already too much analysis). i think part of me traps myself into liking guys which i know won't pan out for the safety of it all. i'll never forget my sophomore year english teacher said that in class. ms. kalil. she was a complete and total bitch but she said one good thing the whole semester. "people like those who they ultimately know they can't have because it is safe and they will never truly get hurt." it's true. i think i do that to myself. that's at least partially why like brian and eric anyway.

with brian, he's like one of my closest friends down here. so of course i knew i'd never really fuck it up by making some sort of move. so it's a safe bet to like him. of course he's cute and funny and all that jazz. but also, i sometimes often wondered if my liking of him was spawned by wanting someone to like. and also by others telling me that they thought we would make a good match. and therefore all of that just sorta filled the void in my boy life. i dunno. i'm not sure i'll ever know. i think i need to just forget it all and move on.

with eric, it was a safe bet to like him cuz first of all he lives in SF!!! granted it's not THAT far and it wouldn't be without reason for something like that to work. but that's a long shot and therefore at the start, i trapped myself into a safe liking. i think also with eric, i saw a guy who i thought looked like someone i would see myself married to. not that i wanted to marry eric! haha but like the type of person i'd want to marry. cuz i'm always lusting after the sexy, non-commital guy who's probably got some tattoos and piercings and crap like that. no real future cuz he's so into his band. etc etc. and i know that that guy is just someone to fuck around with. not someone to really date or love or marry. not that i ever get a guy like that. well, except josh. but basically i never get that type of guy. but it's what i look at when i walk down the street. but eric is the sort of guy that i'd see myself married to. smart, funny, sensible, good job, cute but not lustfully sexy, etc etc. good dancer! haha anyway, he also filled the void of boys since really, besides brian (who was filling a void too), who else did i like? jacob? yea, well he's an even bigger safety net....living in wisonsin and all. and brett came after all of this so he's a bit different.

granted, if any of these boys did actually like me, i would be quick to jump on it and deal with the consequences later, ala dan-style. but basically they are filling a void in my brain for one reason or another. this is not to say that they aren't good boys to like. cuz they are. but since they don't like me, then liking them serves no other purpose than to fill the void. my brain always needs some sort of fixation. whether it's boys, photography, my website, etc. something to really focus on for awhile. with boys i always seem to like at least one boy. and then in order to get over that boy, i need another one to replace him. and on and on and on. so i'm not really sure how i will just put an end to all my crushes right now. that's like quitting smoking cold turkey! but probably this trip to asia will help. cuz when i'm around my parents a lot, it's like i forget about my hormones and boys. weird, but true. whenever i go home i don't really even think about boys. probably because i'm only home a short while and figure it's just not even worth it. i think eric was the first time i ever broke that rule. anyway, maybe when i come back and start school again, some boy will just fall into my lap. doubtful but who knows. also, i think kyle is coming to visit me when i get back so he will be a distraction for a bit.

ah the blog. a nice place to talk things out when there is no one around. it's like i get to play both sides. ask and answer. haha...yea...weird....like i said in a previous post, i'm weird. and that's probably why boys don't like me. haha

today doesn't seem like it's going to be very good. surely i feel a lot better than yesterday. i think all the rest i got (i barely left my bed or my room!) helped and the medicine and the water. so i'm feeling a lot better today. not 100% but better. but it's sorta dreary outside and i can't help but just feel a bit alone, distant, and empty. partially due to the fact that i didn't really interact with many people yesterday. but i'm not sure what else. maybe cuz i'm going on vacation with my parents. i dunno. whenever i go away with my parents i always tend to feel alone cuz i don't have any friends with me. ugh. i dunno.

the cure for all ails. a little bit of robbie!!! =)

crappity crap. sarah just called me. i forgot she was coming to LA this weekend. and she's here now. but i can't go meet with her and her friends cuz i feel awful. altho, i do feel better than i did earlier. so i think this whole rest and do absolutely nothing is doing something for me. all these visitors! i just got an email from kyle who said he wants to come visit at the end of the month. i hope he can hold out til i return from asia. i haven't seen kyle in like over a year. i hope he can come. god that would be sooooo exciting! much love for that boy. =)

i've been laying down all day and i've had a lot of time to just think about a lot of crap. i started to think rethink the whole boy thing. i think i'm just too weird for most boys. i mean, i know i'm sorta out there sometimes. out in left field. and i think that just doesn't work well for guys. that and the fact that i talk a lot. i open up too quickly. i don't think boys seems to like this. and i'm not really sure what to do about this. cuz i'm not going to change myself for the sake of others. that's ridiculous. but how will i ever find a boy if they all think i'm too weird to date? this is why i have so many guy friends. i like all these boys. it never works out. so then we become friends. cuz my weirdness seems ok for friends sake. but nothing more. bah. maybe this is all horseshit. i dunno. i'm loopy off all the medicine i'm taking. =/

i'm really trying to nip this illness in the bud. taking lots of cold medicine and just resting. drinking water. sweating it out. i think it's working. i already feel a bit better. i have all these errands to run but i can't do them til i have enough energy. ugh! of course something like this would happen. can't tell my parents. i know what they'll say. "why did u get yourself sick when you know we're leaving soon? what did u do this weekend? u should have taken it easy. and what did we tell u about drinking?" just shit like that. nagging parental shit. haha anyway, whatever. back to resting and trying to get better.

fuck. i'm sick. like sick to the point where i can tell. need medicine. feel the aches and pains. =( how did this happen? i'm trying to think how i got sick this weekend and how i MUST get well before i get on the plane friday. otherwise i'll prolly be sick the entire trip. that's what happened to me in england. i was sick before i left and never got better the whole time i was gone. granted i wore my body down in various ways in england which i won't be doing in asia with my parents, but still. man this blows. tylenol cold and flu, here i come!

i think eric left his boxers here. so they are now sitting in my room on the floor as if i recently made out with him or he did a strip tease for me. haha i wish. =P

so. the long weekend. time to finally recap since i'm alone. the visitors are gone and hopefully i will see them sometime next month when i go visit SF. we shall see. so where to begin? i don't wanna do a chronology cuz i don't really care. i think i'll just begin to babble and see where it takes me.

so this weekend didn't really go as i thought it would. and i don't mean cuz i didn't hook up with anyone at the party. i mean it was weird and awkward. awkward exchanges. awkward moments. friday we had a party. there were a bunch of people there i didn't know which was ok. that was the point of the thing. john was the first person to come and i didn't expect him to be there. so it threw me for a HUGE loop. and of course i felt compelled to babysit him. it's a compulsion spawn by 2 things. 1) no one was there yet so i had to occupy him before the rest of the people arrived. also he doesnt really know many of my friends so even tho he's good at meeting people, to some degree he sorta just wanted to cling to me. 2) my physical attraction to him and that fact that i haven't seen him in ages makes me want to just be around him. sometimes i feel very underappreciated with him just because he now has a gf and he doesn't seem to care to see or talk to me nearly as much as he used to. we used to talk or see each other like every day. either from class or whatever. and now it's just not that way. so sometimes i feel really sad about that. and then sometimes i just realize that's the nature of the beast. when you're in a relationship your priorities shift. but disregarding all that, our interaction that night was weird anyway because we both are really attracted to each other so we sorta like always bring that up and stuff. and then he mentioned this note i had written him once where i jokingly ended it with something like, "well i still owe you a good fuck." he mentioned this as we were both in my dark room getting him some gum and going to the bathroom. it's just weird. i also saw him last night at the beauty bar when i went with eric and james. i walked up to him and marc and the rest with eric and john gave me this big hug like he always does. he said to me, "oh wait. are u on a date? should i not be hugging you?" haha i wasn't on a date. i wish i was. i really like eric. but i'll get to that later. so yea. me and john. weird stuff sometimes. his gf wasn't at the bar last night either. and he didn't bring her to the party. whatever. moving on....

so the rest of the party i was consumed with waiting for eric, matt, and james to come. i saw a lot of ppl i hadn't seen in awhile. mario and william came. yes, william!! that was fun. i barely talked to them tho and i felt bad. i was so focused on seeing my boys come that i couldn't really think of much else. that and john being attached to my hip half the time. i mingled here and there. brian came and that was another can of worms. cuz of course i like him too and have this awful crush that just needs to go away. justin told me the night before that i needed to make the move with brian just to get it all out of my system. either something would happen or it would just die right there. well i couldn't make any moves in the beginning cuz i had to deal with john still there and waiting for my friends to come. but then john had to leave which took care of one issue, but my friends also came too. and of course i like eric as well. so the juggle began.

from that point on i basically only talked to a few people. and at one point i saw brian giving me eyes cuz he knew that i liked eric. but i went over to talk to him and told him that wasn't eric i was talking to and all that but whatever. we chatted a long time and adam kept butting in to say that we would be a good couple and stuff. we should date. then matt came over and from that point on i knew nothing would happen with anyone. if there was any hope, it was all gone. how could i ever make a move with brian when my visitors were right there and not to mention they are staying here. so basically it was me, eric, matt, brian, and james talking. one big circle. i could see rick and jessica looking over at the situation. prolly trying to predict the outcome. here's the outcome. brian stayed a long time and finally left with his roommate gino. then we sorta chatted a bit more and eric got tired and went to my room to sleep. then i followed with matt behind. yes, both of them slept on my floor. james slept downstairs. so again, couldn't even try to make a move with eric. matt was there. would anything have happened with brian or eric if i had the chance? who knows. at this point i actually think nothing would have happened. they are nice boys who like me as a friend and nothing more. and hence my proclamation that i must just end my crushes on everyone and start fresh. it will be really hard. but i must. i just must. for my own sanity. i can't handle liking people who just don't like me back. it just hurts more so than anything. bleh.

the rest of the weekend was consumed with random occurances. matt met up with his friend and spent the night there last nite. i didn't really wanna hang out with them ALL night cuz i felt weird. his friend andrew is funny and resembles quentin tarantino when he was thinner. we got off on the wrong foot but in the end i know that andrew would be a good guy to have around. he's funny. but yea. i had to get out of there and so me, eric, and james decided to venture to hollywood for the night. first beauty bar for a drink, then bang for some dancing. eric is big on the dancing it seems. and he's a good dancer. i wish i was a better dance to dance with him. it was a really fun night but i can't help but have a sour taste in my mouth for the weekend in general. oh yes, saw brett in his car on the way to bang and chatted for a moment with him inside.

anyway, yea, the weekend felt weird. i felt like matt didn't seem to care to see me too much. which could be true. i don't talk to matt as much as i do to eric. but that thought saddened me a bit. altho he has his friends here so it's justified. but it did make for some disjointedness in the group i thought. i wanted to talk to eric a lot more but i just didn't get to. and that really bummed me out a lot. also today he seemed sorta distant or upset or something. i dunno. it could just be me. but that made me think that he just like wanted to get out of here or something. and that saddened me too. james was quite the chatter so that was good. but since i just met james, it wasn't quite the same. so while the weekend was good, i feel a bit empty right now. a bit unfulfilled i guess. i had high hopes for some good times and they fell slightly flat. altho last night was fun and the party was alright overall. and now i have some shitty cleaning to do in the kitchen and i haven't seen my roommates in over a day. bleh. whatever.

here. this just about sums it up. awkward looks. alcohol. etc etc. whatever.

feeling of bleh in the morning. =/

i have decided that i need to click the restart button on my boy life. what i mean is that all the boys that i like right now i need to just say fuck all to the way i feel about them and start fresh for my own sanity.

eric -- i need to stop thinking about him cuz he lives so far away and is not even attracted to me it seems. and i don't think i'm his type either. he's a good dancer though. i'll give him that.

brian -- the long drawn out, up and down, crush needs to end because i'm obviously knee deep in friendzone. i've known this forever yet somehow my brain has fought to forget it.

brett -- surely he's cute and around, but i think all there is there is a makeout opportunity. and while that would help my antsiness, it won't help my singleness.

jacob -- he's all the fuck way in wisconsin. i only think of him sparingly but i do think of him here and there and wish that he didn't live to so far and that we only met for such a brief moment.

so yea. restart. forget all the pining, crushing, gushing, and whatever else u wanna call it. i need to find a proper boy. someone who lives here. is attracted to me. isn't an asshole. etc etc. good fucking luck with that jen. it ain't simple. haha

i have much more to recap about the weekend with the visiting boys and all, but i'm entirely too tired to type it out and a bit intoxicated still. and antsy and frustrated. hence the post at this hour on a saturday night! =( yea i don't care if people who are reading this are the boys mentioned and are now going "what? jen likes me?" or something like that. if u really are thinking that as u read it, then u must be blind cuz it's not like i haven't at least hinted at my attraction to any of these boys. so yea. whatever. drunk talk yields this. i should sleep off my frustration. good luck with that!

my mom called me at like 9 something in the morning which she never does. i mean it was just my mom. not like both my parents. and it's way too early too. but she called and said that dad wanted me to call him at work cuz of some equipment stuff. i couldn't help but wonder if this was some sort of emergency cuz i mean, it's early in the morning (for me). so i called dad. sure enough, no real emergency. he was like, "whoa. what are you doing up this early?" haha basically the hospital was throwing about a slide duplicator and some sort of polaroid image transfer thing. he asked if i wanted it. i was like, of course! i'll take whatever and sort it out later. so i hope he replied to them in time to get the stuff. i'm sure i could find some good uses for it. and if not, maybe someone else i know could. anyway, i stuck my free canon printer on craigslist again cuz i had stuck it there once but no one bought it. i wanted to ebay it but i dont want to bother shipping. so i stuck it on craigslist again as i was searching for a cheap old sewing machine. and this woman just called now and said she wanted to buy the printer. so woohoo. damn thing is finally gonna be off my hands. $50 ain't bad for something that i got for free. woo! u know i'll just probably spend it on film or something. haha whatever. good stuff.

yes i am boy crazy. i think we all know this. and i was chatting online with justin just now and basically i have to just shut the fuck up and deal with it. and/or make a move. on who tho?? whatever. u know me. i have such a hard time making the move. and when i think i might have a chance, i usually pass out cuz i'm so drunk. haha lovely lovely karma.

wow. i just talked to eric for like an hour. 57 min to be exact. haha good lord i love that boy. he just sits and listens to me ramble. and i just kept talking. tangent after tangent. maybe i like him cuz he let's me talk. haha i wonder if i let him talk would i like what he has to say? no i know i would. it's not like we haven't conversed in a slightly more normal fashion. i think our last phone convo was a bit more back and forth. less lop-sided. anyhow, he, matt, and james (the brit) are coming down tomorrow. prolly get here around 9pm. i'm excited!!! it will be a good fucking weekend i'm sure. =) gotta get rick from the airport in a couple hours. i miss that kid. i'm glad he's coming back!

ok, perhaps i didn't sleep on it. perhaps i still ponder what damage i could do by revealing my crush. but perhaps revealing isn't necessary as he might already know anyway. or infer at least. bah. whatever. i like too many boys. it's not like i like just one anyway. good grief. but i'm sorta disjointed thinking about it all. let's just move on. one day i hope i won't be single. i wish that day would come soon cuz i'm getting antsy!! aside from all of that, the day sorta went as i expected. well from what my expectations were at like 2am last nite. my friend is doing better and i won't go anymore into that. went to dinner with liv and emily which was good. then went to home depot to get cinder blocks that weighed just as much as us in total. wrote my massive email to dan. a very incoherant just wholeheartedly reply. we'll see how he receives it. now i'm off to bed. i'll be tired. i gotta register for classes tomorrow at AI. woo! means waking up to commute. not so woo. =(

is it a good idea to have a crush on one of your really good friends? i don't know, but my night is fucked up and i think i'll sleep on that and wake up to the sound of my cell phone telling me i must go pick up my friend. then perhaps tackle the 6k email my ex sent me. yes, yes, tomorrow is not what i expected.

i thought i wasn't going to leave my house today. i thought it was going to be a mundane day of sleeping in, cleaning, organizing, and merely futzing around. then i got a phone call and then another and another and here i am. hours and hours later. flustered as all fuck. i went to brian's to just talk. talk about whatever. help ease my flusteredness. but now coming back home i am back where i started. tomorrow won't be the day i thought it would either. lots of really shitty stuff has happened to a lot of people around me recently and it's sorta trippin me out. i know this entry is really vague but i don't think that it all needs to be displayed for the public.

my lovely mac is gone. =( doug came and got it today. so sad. the room feels empty. u know me and my computers. i'm a nut. and now my lovely mac is gone til i return. i'm gonna have rick watch out for it. make sure shit isn't going bad. i'm sure it won't but still. i'm cleaning my room too. cuz my friends are coming and i want to make sure it looks decent for them. plus the room was in need of a clean. and now that doug's stuff is gone and so is my mac, there is more surface area to clean up. so might as well do it. i think i'll stick some more stuff on the walls too. today is a homebody day. clean and fix up. tomorrow i'll be productive outside of the house. like dropping my smc photo class (*sniff sniff*). i really really really hate to do it, but i know it's for the best. i have to save up money to take that class right. ever since i got back from england i've been broke. and when i took the last photo class, basically i spent most of my money on it. and for this class it'd be the same thing. and i need to save some money first. not to mention i'll miss 2 class sessions. 2 of 16. doesn't sound like much but when the first 2 classes are nothing, then it's really like missing 2 out of 14. and since it's at the beginning of the semester, that means missing the part where we learn what the fuck to do inside the darkroom. and basically if i miss that, i'll come back confused. so sadly i am convincing myself to drop the class. =( registration for my AI classes is thursday. woo! i'm so excited. i gotta wake up early and get there on time so i can get the best pick possible. first come first served. anyhow, back to cleaning. i'll worry about my boy issues later. haha

computer drama tonight lead me to some yelling and whatnot. it's all settled and my mac will be living at doug's place til i return from asia for a rental fee. but i really don't want to talk about it cuz it's boring and longwinded and just not a concern of mine at the present. right now i'm all confused. confused a lot about guys of course. and not the typical confusion of just wanting one and not having one. it's more than that. i don't even feel like typing that out either. but suffice is to say, my journal will see a long entry tonight. my real journal that is.

well i finally got out of the house this weekend. good lord! no bang last nite but tonight i went to see this engine burns with jessica and emily. first time they have met the boys. the show was interesting. they did a good job and it was fun. jeremy sang. good times. he's not a good singer but he tried hard and for that it was good. talked to josh a bit here and there. goofed off with him. god why is he so damned sexy? i don't know. he told me that he did a search for "this engine burns" in google and 3 of the search items were related to me. one being the photos i took of him. haha nice. good ole josh. whenever i see him he makes me happy and i think, "how come i don't see josh more often?" and then time will pass for us not to see each other. then randomly we will again and i'll think the same thing. the cycle repeats. i wore my little handsewn top to show it to him and he thought it looked really hot and said, "you should have come home with me tonight damnit." haha oh josh. i love u dearly. =) anyway, good to see the boys again. as usual, daniel was grumpy/bitchy/pissy in his daniel way. he's not really mad or anything but he's always got that tone. but that's daniel. i understand it and accept it. travis is always cheery and that's pleasant. and mykee winked at me. so maybe all is not bad btwn us as i sometimes think it is. haha and of course jeremy only talks to me when spoken to because he's like that. i miss the good ole days of me hanging out with him and daniel at their old apt and me sorta blabbering on with jeremy about movies while daniel makes fun of us and says we would be perfect for each other. haha oh the good ole days.... god it's fucking late. it's the food we ate at astroburger. after the TEB show, we met up with michael, lo, and DA and went to the strip. i HATE the strip. but we went. made the best of it. went to astroburger. came home. chatted with josh and jason. how i miss jason!!! =( but now i think i might head off to bed. it's so damned late!!!

i also think i might drop my photo 2 class. it sucks but it's prolly for the best. for one thing, i can save money cuz photo 2 is going to be a large expense. also, i'll miss vital classes by going to asia. so i think if i just drop then i can take it in the winter session or the spring and learn it properly and have some money saved up by then to pay for the damned class. cuz the materials are costly! i now know what mike meant when he wouldn't go bowling with me cuz he had to pay for his photo class shit. haha so damned true. ok i'm out.