blah blah blah. u can fill in the gaps today. i don't feel like doing it.

website of the day: paper brigade

my christmas wishlist and i still don't know what to get anyone else! =/

tyson quit his tattoo apprenticeship in tennessee and he's moving back to oregon. he just called me cuz he'll prolly be passing thru LA again like he did when he moved out there. so he'll be crashing here one of these nights. i thought it'd be a long time before i saw that kid again. crazy shit. but it's best this way cuz he said that he wasn't learning enough out there. so might as well get the fuck out. yay. i get to see tyson again!! =) and brian comes home tonight and i'm picking him up from the airport. yay! happy times to contrast to the shit ones with john. ugh. whatever. tyson asked how i was. i didn't want to get into it tho. he doesn't need to know about my mess. maybe when he gets here, but certainly not now. not long distance.

my christmas wishlist

trying to avoid doing hw at all costs, i decided to take the work i did for class and expand on it. try my hand at some GD stuff. so i basically summed up the post down below about john into this visual piece. i can't say it's great work. but i'm also not a graphic designer. altho i think GD is quite interesting and fun. maybe even more so than web design.

the countdown to xmas is on. today is officially the start of the holiday shopping season. people elbowed their way through the crowds to get that cheap blender and those discount cds. i did not bother with that mess. typically if i was at home i would go downtown with my parents and tackle the shoppng craze. but since i was here and relatively broke and lazy, i didn't even try. but going along with this countdown to xmas, i have compiled my holiday wishlist. simple items that anybody could easy get for me. nothing too extravagent as it's pointless to ask for that stuff. no one i know can afford to get me a fish eye lens, new cell fone, or mac g5. and no one can give me the intangibles i want such a guy who cares and want to commit, or a boost of self confidence. those things i have to find myself. so anyway, i will post a link to my wishlist everyday til xmas. that way it will remain on here for everyone to easily check out at their convenience.

my christmas wishlist

the feast was lovely. just lovely. my yams turned out quite well. so did the rest of the food. i'm stuffed to the brim and don't want to do anything. i dread the thought that i must do some sort of hw tomorrow. gah! oh well. c'est la vie. my gift, that is no longer a gift, for john is finished. i must find a way to mount it to the wall. that way for sure he will see it and i can rub it in how he's not worth that sort of effort. yea, i'm upset. i even deleted his number from my fone so that way i wouldn't be tempted to call him randomly as i usually do. altho he did call me today. without me even having to call him first. WOW. let's give him a round of applause for that. haha he told me to call him back so i did just now cuz we finished putting all the leftovers away and then he was being a total bitch. acting like, "why don't u have anything interesting to say to me?" i don't. cuz from the last time we spoke all i did was chat with my friends and put leftovers away. i'm sorry if that's not interesting to u but i'm merely calling u back cuz u wanted me to. so don't be a fucking bitch about it. i didn't say that but i should have. just from him tone. i swear i heard him say something like, "ok bye." just like cutting it all off randomly. so i just fucking hung up on him. yeah it's not smooth roads anymore. whatever. i don't care. i want to ask noah out next week.

i can't believe things turned into this with john. it's so funny how it can be all happy and shit and then just like become this monster of badness and dislike. it's not that i found things about him to dislike. it's more that i found that basically i'm not different than anyone else to him. i'm just another friend. one that he likes to sleep next to and do hw with. etc etc. i want someone who wants to be around me. do things with me. care about me. think that i am just a little bit special. i was so wrong to think that he was that person. so wrong to try and be that person to him. i got too emotional. so now i'm dealing with it. and basically being a big bitch about it too. he thinks i'm straight trippin. but i'm just hurt. and that's how i deal with it. whatever. he can call me when he wants to. and we can talk when he wants to. cuz even tho i want to call him, i know i shouldn't. i know there is no point. so i'll just wait for him to call me. sounds like a stupid game doesn't it. well it's just me trying to protect myself. and distance myself. physically and emotionally. i basically tell myself all that time that we aren't together at all in anyway and that we "broke up." because when u break up u can't call the person. u have to stop feeling for them. and that's what i am trying to do with him. it sucks yes. but whatever. it's life. my life.

happy thanksgiving!!!

michael had to work today so he left me to prepare half of the thanksgiving feast. and if anyone knows how my pie turned out last year, we can all cross our fingers that the stuff i am making today will taste better than that. so far so good. we don't have marshmallows for the candied yams so i tried to make marshmallows. the stuff ain't quite looking right but it tastes like marshmallows and that's all that matters cuz it's going to melt anyway. i'll update later when we have stuffed ourselves silly and i can actually say whether everything turned out right. the turkey's still not done and neither is the gravy. and those are the most crucial parts!

i don't care about the talk i had with john the other night. the talk i just had with him tonight told me exactly what i needed to know. and one thing is for sure. the gift i made for his birthday will not be his gift any longer. he is NOT worth that sort of effort. so i will proudly display it somewhere in my room and the next time he comes over, i will so aptly point out how that would have been his gift but he is not worthy of it. yes, i will say that to him. and then if he gets pissed, he can fucking walk. end of story.

i am one huge ball of stress today. and it doesn't help that i came to the realization that u spend about 1/3 of your life asleep and i think about at least 1/64 waiting to turn left in rush hour traffic. yea...it's one of those days. at least i got my hw done last night. and in a good amount of time. i thought it would take longer to do the assignment, but it didn't. and i'm pretty happy with the results (see below). anyway, so today i went to get a frame for john's gift which is just becoming a huge ordeal. i sorta don't want to give it to him anymore cuz i spent so much time and effort with it (and it's not even ready yet) that i sorta wanna keep it for myself unless he will truly appreciate it. so i dunno what to do. but i went to aaron brothers to get the frame and the men there were really nice. i got the frame and brought it home. on the way i got my reprint photos and found that not only did the colors not match up, but they printed one of the wrong photos. so i gotta go back to get the other one. ugh! when i got home i tried to get the mat board out of the frame and cracked the glass. at that point i was about to crack myself. i finally went back to the store and showed the man my frame and he was really really really nice. he got me a new frame and then took out the mat for me. and he actually broke the glass too. turns out they wedged the shit in so much it's basically not possible to get it out without breaking it. and this man is a certified custom framer. so he got the stuff out. cut me a new glass. meanwhile the other guy that worked there was talking about school spirit. so i asked what school and ironically he goes to AI for animation. i told him i go there too for web design. so i bet i'll see him around at some point. so my trip back to the store was fine. and it really brought some glimmer of light into this crap day. i was stuck in major traffic on the way back. all these damned left turn lanes. i'm still all riled up and i don't even know why really. i think i'm just like majorly stressed about school, thanksgiving, and john. i need to really relax. when i get home from class tonight i'm going to entirely veg out. cuz my brain and body need a break. otherwise i really will crack just like my damned picture frame glass.

the kid that works at the coffee bean is so nice. i got a triple small nonfast holiday mint mocha and he charged me for a coffee refill. what a nice guy. and he gave me a medium. anyway, i'm dead tired if u hadn't noticed. i stayed up really late last night inking my density progressions for design class. and it was no help that i talked to john for over an hour. oh well. i have image manipulation in a little over an hour and the fuckers at samy's service bureau printed my shit with way too much red ink. it looks like shit. ugh! and tonight i'll be up late again cuz i gotta trace out 2 images of myself and use one hue with tints and shades on it. god it's going to take hours. at least i don't have class til 6pm tomorrow so i can wake up and finish it. but i gotta go buy some photo paper so it will print nicely. oh how i can't wait for the quarter to end. and guess what. it just gets harder from here. boo friggin hoo. oh and if anyone wants to give me a massage i'd greatly appreciate it cuz i ache all over.

john and i just had the *real* talk. over the fone. it just sorta came out of ramblings. i'm not quite sure what to make of it all. i sorta have to digest it. it's interesting. now i think i finally actually understand it all tho. cuz i thought i did before but i was actually wrong. wrong about his thoughts and actions and whatnot. but yea. i gotta digest this. maybe i'll write more later.

ah. nothing like catching up with josh over some brownie sundae at swingers. only charlie, his gf, travis, and jessica met us there too. so it wasn't as intimate as i would have liked. but it was ok. they discussed band shit and it helped catch me up on what is going on. and then on the way home, josh told me all about the drama and whatnot and we just chatted in the car outside my house. it was good times. i love josh. and then i caved and called john just now and he was sorry for being a bitch earlier today. and rightly so. i don't want to take his shit. haha and i told him that i went out with josh for some food and he was joking with me about josh being my bf and whatnot. just cuz also my desktop has josh's photo on it. haha whatever. what if josh was my bf? then what would john do? i bet he wouldn't be laughing so much. whatever. if i see noah tomorrow, i'm asking him out!

my dear friend brian brought over his space heater for me to use this winter. woo! it's so damned cold these days. so this heater is a more than welcomed addition to my room. good ole brian. always there for me. =) i especially feel bad about neglecting him in past days just to be with john who doesn't care for me nearly as much as brian does. or so it would seem. and i think my assumption on this one is correct and not just me being insecure. it's funny. i reread all my journal entries over the past month and it's sorta odd to see the progression. the ups and downs. the moments of hope and defeat. the first thing i ever said about john was that i thought he might be too slick for my own good. and then shortly after i thought i was silly for thinking that. now i realize that while he may not be slick, he does posess some qualities which i didn't at first see. either because they weren't obvious or because i just chose to ignore them. i'm not sure. i really want to ask him what he's thinking and why he's even around. cuz i feel like he would have no reason to be. at least from the way i perceive his lack of emotion. why do this? why take the time and effort? i used to think it was cuz he cared and liked me. now i'm not so certain. i don't think he doesn't like me, but i also don't think he cares. and if u don't care, why bother? that's my feeling. u might think that i am being a hypocrit here cuz i am beginning to sound like i don't care. and i guess u would technically be right. but it's not that i don't honestly care. because deep down i do. i want to care. it's just that it's hard to care when u think that caring is going to result in heartbreak. so this is my form of having the wall up. trying to remove myself from the depths that i was once in. god i sound like a fucking melodramatic chick. and i guess i am. that's definitely a character flaw of mine. that and my intense insecurity. but i think my insecurity isn't always without reason. part of my insecurity stems from all these bullshit boys i've dated. and this includes dan too. cuz they all don't ever want to commit and i take that to mean that in some way, there is something wrong with me that makes them not want to commit. granted they don't really want to commit anyway, but there also must be something about me too. cuz i bet if they found a really really awesome chick who they dug sooooo much, they'd change their mindset and commit. i step into every boy situation with this mindset that it isn't going to work. and maybe that's partially why it doesn't work. cuz i somehow indirectly fuck it up. but fuck man. it's hard to believe that this guy will be the one. the one that will actually be different for once and care and make time and commit. it's hard when your track record is so bad. oh well. whatever. my goal is to not call john at all and just wait for him to call me. it's going to be hard. i always break down in the end and call. but i really just gotta try. see how long it takes for him to just call me. it's a silly game yes. but i want to know. plus it's a test of willpower. like the time i didn't talk to dan for 2 wks. that was intense willpower. and if i can do that, i should be able to do this.

i don't get it. i really don't. what the fuck does john want from me? i have no clue. we like never do anything fun together anymore. and he comes over and sleeps here and half the time we don't really do anything. so what does he want? my companionship? i feel that's not the case. cuz he lacks emotion. wtf? i don't get it. but it bugs me. and therefore i really need to somehow move on from this. find someone new. cuz i can't deal with this like half ass emotion. i just can't. it's like being with this hollow person. and that feels horrible. simply horrible.

last night was fun. we went to jessica's friend, brigette's birthday party thingy on sunset. i was all pissy at first cuz john didn't want to come as usual. but i decided i would have fun without him anyway. get drunk. be happy. maybe try and get a number. well 2 of the 3 happened. haha emily and i got really drunk and we didn't even drink that much. boy has our tolerance gone down. ever since liquid cocaine night, aka asian killer, we just haven't been the same with the booze. oh well. the club thingy was alright. got a little dancing in which was fun. god i wanna go dancing sometime. eric said i could go dancing with him over xmas break. i eagerly await that time. eric is a fun dancer. and well, he's eric. haha =) anyway, after awhile we decided to go to the roost in los feliz and that was happenin. i was quite intoxicated and there was this guy who i was tempted to try and get his number only for shits and giggles really. but then i didn't do it. cuz i got lazy and apathetic. but then it turned out his friend was this guy, donnie, who lived down the hall from me freshman year. and so i went over to talk to them but it was like 5 minutes to 2am. so we chatted a bit and donnie invited me back to his place with them cuz it's apparently down the street. but i didn't care to go plus i had a car full of people. so then we went home. i called john and we chatted for a few minutes. then i fell asleep drunk and woke up to him calling me back. and he asked if he could come over. so we talked while he drove. i can't quite remember what about. something about like how i dress and stuff. i dunno. whatever. and so now i'm just waiting for him to get out of the shower to start my day. but a good night last night. yes yes. i have all this hw to do. luckily it's not all due this week cuz of thanksgiving. woo! but me and michael gotta get on that shit about planning thanksgiving. cuz we sorta dropped the ball and now it's in like 4 days!

i just heard noises coming from the downstairs room. i am officially tramatized.

boys are so goddamned unreliable.

i finally developed my roll of film that had been sitting in my lomo for at least 2 months. here are 4 of the best from the set. the top is josh at swingers. then below is me of course. not sure where i snapped that one. maybe also at swingers. then it's SC john on halloween dressed like a geek. and last but certainly not least...jessica and emily on the way to tyler's party. that's my fave of the roll. the colors are awesome. this roll of cross processed goodies turned out WAY different than any roll of crossed stuff i've ever done. there is intense grain (which u can see on the original photos) and most of the night flash shots have really skewed colors and blown out features. i really like it. it was cheap ass kodak E200 film. i think i'll get some more and experiment. cuz i like how the color shifts aren't always to green and blue. i mean look at that orangey stuff going on. really awesome.

anyway, on another note. i have a crapload of hw and i think i'll end up doing it tonight since no one is around and i don't think i'll be going out sadly. i need to find a new guy. i have decided this. i like john but he never seems to want to do anything. he always tells me how i caught him at a weird part of his life. cuz he usually always goes out, eats well, and just plain does stuff other than schoolwork. this may be the case, but since i don't see it, it doesn't exist. and when he does do stuff, it's usually just really random guy crap with the guys. we never do anything fun. movies aren't that fun and we never go out to bars or whatever. not that those are fun. but goddamnit, i'm just bored. i can't always be doing my hw. and when he tries to do it here with me, he like never gets anything done. and he really needs to. cuz he's totally falling behind. and if he ever resented me for being around and saying i'm the reason he's falling behind, i'll fucking punch him in the face cuz that's so not true. but i doubt he'd ever make that claim cuz he knows it's not true. ugh. i'm just frustrated. i want to find a boy who will commit to me and we can go do fun stuff together. so it's settled. i will passively begin searching for another guy. or more like, i'll try and see if i can talk to that noah kid more. that will be my start into looking elsewhere. if john was more commited then i wouldn't care. but if he's not, then ultimately it's just gonna be whatever. blah and pointless. so might as well sorta search around for something that could actually be worthwhile in the end. and until then, have any sort of fun i can have with john.

i feel upset and i don't know why. aside from that, i talked to eric tonight. that made me happy. i love catching up with eric cuz he's so easy to talk to. =) i wish he lived down here. he would be such a great addition to my close set of friends. oh well. c'est la vie. i also quite enjoyed my chat with noah. not that the chat was super great but the fact that we did actually chat. cuz he's one of those people in class where i would always turn around and want to talk to him and he would look like he would want to talk to me, but then we just wouldn't talk. so finally we did. he seems nice and laid back. i like that. he also appears to be single. haha we must have future chats. yes yes. that class is so crazy cuz we goof off a lot. and today we played table football and shit like that. good times. i think i'm off to sleep soon. john just left not long ago. i'm not sure why he didn't want to stay. i think this is why i am upset. that and i just woke up from a snooze.

i love my color theory class. like the actual class. we have so much fun and goof around but the teacher loves me. he nominated me for the president's club which is basically for good students and such. anyway, today we totally talked and goofed around. and i talked to that cute noah kid for a decent amt of time. i think i will continue to try and talk to him in the coming weeks and then when the quarter is over ask for his number since we won't be in class together anymore. yea yea i like john still. but u know, if he's not going to commit, i just gotta look out for my own interests. prolly bad karma but i already have a bunch of bad karma anyway so whatever. haha

last night's little break from life was lovely but tonight i'm back to the grind. i have a lot of work coming up next week. and i have to put together my quark projects tonight. the menu and the video box. and OH MY GOD did i have problems. they printed the box all fucked up and it bled. i finally got it worked out and i think the box will look tight but ugh. my digital illustration teacher is a really hard grader so i gotta redo some stuff and try and get a slightly better grade. it's my only bad grade. B- the rest are A's. so i gotta like really work hard in this class. i'm shooting for a solid B as my final grade. but it's gonna be hard cuz he grades so hard. ugh. if only i could be a photographer. if only.... or own my own business. maybe i should really jump into that whole owning a design firm idea a lot sooner. haha i need to get out of here. i'm fucking hungry. i wanna go home.

i had lunch with brian today in venice. i drove there straight from home just to see him. then i had to go back into LA to run some errands. and then i drove back to santa monica. so basically i've driven like 40 miles today. good lord! i also have my period so i'm a bit moody. i woke up with a tummy ache. at least john is sympathetic and gives me sad eyes like he understands my pain. even tho he never will. men will enver know what it's like to be bloated with blood continually running out of your body. haha

i didn't do any hw tonight. i decided i've worked hard enough lately so i gave myself the night off and i just sat and watched episodes of the office and the deleted scenes and whatnot. it put me in a weird mood. i'm all in like dry british humour mood. it's strange and funny. god i love that show. it's just so damned painful to watch. but that's the great part about it. watching the pain. =)

i registered for classes today and it was the most asinine (sp?) thing ever. it was like high school class registration. a fucking MESS. long ass line. retarded!!! i got my classes but still. i had to wait an hour in a line that wrapped around the 2nd floor of the building. good grief. john didn't even register cuz he was stupid and didn't wake up on time. so he'll have to go tomorrow with the rest of the people. sucks for him. i tried to wake him up but he sleeps like a rock. anyway, today i talked about restaurants and valet parking and stuff of that sort with the insidetrack guy. it was fun. time for class to start.

my eyes hurt but i'm nearly done with this fucking menu. all i need is a decent grade. i think i could even get a B on it and it would be ok. cuz i'm totally acing this class right now. 103% baby! i really can't stand this assignment cuz i don't like my idea but it's too late. the final project is a magazine spread and i already know i want to do it on radiohead cuz i have a lot of information on them from the mags i already have. and that will be fun. but this. this menu shit. it ain't fun. i already finished the video cassette box for the class. it's a radiohead video. and it wasn't that hard to do. it's actually quite basic. very sleak and simple design. but this fucking menu. i chose to get all creative and make it like an oven that opens up with velcro and shit. so it's taking forever. anyway, i think that john's friend jerry doesn't like me. everytime i see him these days he just like glares at me and doesn't even say hi or smile or anything! what's up with that? maybe cuz i take john away from him? well whatever. john loves himself and his work more than anything. wait, lemme rephrase. cuz john doesn't believe that love is necessary. and relationships at this age are pointless. everything emotional just gets in the way of productivity. i bet he'll soon resent me for taking up too much of his time and then it will be over. if it isn't already. whatever. i think i'm jaded at this point. i've been thru a crapload of emotions recently about all of this. so i think i'm prepared for whatever. and if some other boy comes along (like that will ever happen!) then i'll run with that and say goodbye to john since he prolly really won't care anyway. or at least he won't appear to. i feel like i have this goal now to try and make him feel some emotion. but i think this is a lofty goal and i prolly won't succeed.

gah. i can't focus. i DON'T want to make this fucking menu for quark class. it's going to look like shit no matter what. i don't want to do this!!! i've been at school for like 3 hours now. i'm getting hungry. john just went to class. this lab is warm. i hate men again. they are such non-commital fucks. i have flem in my throat. bleh. back to work.

DONE!!!! i had this mind-numbingly boring assignment for color theory to paint these triangles. sounds simple. and really it's not *that* hard per se. but it's insanely boring and time consuming. basically we start with basic colors and mix and match in certain ways and many painstaking hours later we are left with 6 pages of triangles arranged just so. goddamn it was the worst assignment ever. cuz it's not even creative or fun. it's just dull and boring. and really tedious. ugh! anyway, it's done. just gotta cut the pages and label them. that's the easy part. then i gotta get started on all the other hw i have. i have to say that i am really not used to this amount of hw. like the steady stream of it. at SC i never really had to do this much stuff. it was a lot more reading and whatnot. less actual doing. not that this is bad. cuz i like it. you feel more fulfilled doing work than just reading books and notes and taking tests. but this sort of learning surely takes a lot of physical time. that's why i am so boring these days. i don't really do anything terribly fun cuz i don't have the time. john and i were just talking about how we like never go out anymore. we just do hw. even on friday and saturday nights. it's quite sad really. oh well. my room smells like vanilla cookies and it's lovely. =)

i realize there are definite moments when i just wish the time would pass really quickly and things would be over. the day would be over. i'm feeling that right now. i wish it was later so that i could justify stopping work and just go to sleep. i haven't even gotten into PJs. i'm wearing the exact same clothes i wore yesterday too. altho i did shower. i am painting shit for class and in the interim and i painted this dark thing that now displays on my wall. i am also practicing my illustrator stuff. sitting. thinking. too much. wishing i wasn't such a fucking retard. too emotional. too insecure. too uptight. too a lot of things. i have issues. issues that people may never understand cuz i don't even understand them. but i know they are ruining my life. or so i think. i think the root of all my problems is my insecurity. i never really realized it, but i am WAY too insecure. like so much more than anyone else i know. i don't know how i got like this. i wish i could just snap my fingers and make it go away. but it's not quite that simple.

john's mom thinks i am his gf. little does she know that i will never be.

i have a bad feeling...

i forgot to mention last night's parking "situation." basically john and i get out of class at like around 10pm. but a lot of times we stay to do some work til the labs close at 11. so we did that last night and by the time we went to our cars and decided what to do it must have been at least like 11:20. (we're slow fucks sometimes.) so we went to eat in westwood and then came back to my place. but by the time we got here it was at least 1am. cuz we went to eat. then got diddy riese. then had to go get my car. listened to some crazy ass electronic music in the car. then finally came back here. but like i said, it was past 1am. so the parking situation was definitely a "situation." basically there is no parking in sight. we both drove around looking and it's doubley hard cuz we have two cars to deal with. god this is like the worst nightmare. i finally caved and parked like way the fuck past curson street which basically is a healthy 5 or 6 blocks. granted that's not far technically, but considering that's where i am parking my car, it's far. john persisted since his car is smaller. and we found this spot near my house which was pretty small. but we thought his car might fit. so we whipped out his drafting tape and measured his car. then we took it to the spot. his car would fit. problem, how to get it in? he tried a few times. it didn't work. there just wasn't enough room to angle it in. and if only the car in front moved up a few inches. ugh! so finally he caved and parked further down. but god it was such an ordeal. it was really funny. i HATE the parking situation around here. if only we had goddamn mutherfucking permits. ugh!

website of the day: cuban council

what to do? what to do? it's friday and as usual, i should do hw but never do. i just fuck around all day. i have to shit down to my car but i don't even want to do that. ugh. i'm always so lethargic. tonight is tyler's party in newps. a few of us are making the trek down there. should be good times. i think we're gonna get vietnamese sandwiches too! woohoo. oh i know. i should get a new pair of chucks today. cuz mine are dreadfully dirty. and a journal cuz mine is running out of pages!

did anyone look at the lofts link? god i can't stop looking at them! i really fucking want one. john and i always talk about how we want to get a loft together and how fucking rad it would look. and we'd play this weird ass ambient electronic music all over the house as guests arrived. haha that would rock so much. god i want a loft. =)

oh so i had this weird dream this morning. john slept over last night and in the dream i woke up in the morning and john got a phone call. and so i was just doing my shit and in the bathroom and meanwhile he leaves. so then i wonder where he is and i figure he went to take care of whatever it was on the fone and that he'd be back soon. but then he didn't come back. so i called him. but then all of a sudden "he" switches to the other john. SC john. so then i'm like, "john, where did u go?" and he's like, "i had to help so and so and now i'm going home." and i was like, "aww u aren't coming back?" and he's like, "no of course not. i gotta go home." but then i realize that i'm talking to SC john and that of course he isn't coming back cuz we aren't even dating. it's like i had confused who was there. or basically the john's had switched. so then it "made sense" in the dream. but then i woke up for real this morning and there was john and i was confused for a moment. it was so strange. i guess it's hard to explain since it's a dream and a confused dream at that. but whatever. it was weird.

oh and u know how i always bitch about my quark class cuz it's so lame and retarded. (altho that's the class i met john in!) well i got my midterm back and i fucking aced it. 50/50. woo! and so i have 103% in the class cuz i did the quick 5 pt extra credit and since i've basically either aced my hw or gotten 19/20 on them, i'm sitting pretty well. rock. if only my digital illustration grade was that good. but that class is hard cuz i can't draw. so if we have to produce our own drawings it's hard. the stuff where we trace and do shapes isn't too bad. oh well. whatever. that class has inspired me for this year's batch of xmas cards. provided i have enough time to work on them. only the people close to me will get these cards tho cuz there is a small stipulation about them that makes it impossible for me to make these sorts of cards for everyone.

i want to live here. it looks so rad. i totally want a loft. if i ever get enough money i'm gonna have a sweet ass loft like these. cuz they are so rad looking. it would fit my minimalist look. very streamlined. basic colored furniture. omg. i'm salivating. if you look at the walk-thru video of the loft they even have radiohead's "meeting in the aisle" playing to it. radiohead's only instrumental song to my knowledge. and a great one at that. check out the site just to hear the song! haha ok anyway, enough drooling. class is about to start soon.

so apparently adobe is on steroids. haha a rep from the company came to speak about their new product line. they have a new version of photoshop, illustrator, premiere, and after effects. i didn't go to the meeting but apparently i should have. john told me that basically premiere is like fucking awesome now and can rival avid and final cut pro and all that stuff. the new photoshop can bundle photos seamlessly by matching the pixels. and the new illustrator can do some low end 3D vector stuff. good lord! have the people at adobe been sitting in some secret lab concocting all these things? haha now i'm going to have to learn all this new stuff i assume. and i haven't even mastered the existing stuff. goodness gracious. can't i just be a photographer? there isn't nearly as much to that.

on another note. i really like john. and i enjoy spending time with him even if it cuts into my work time or plain ole alone time. and today especially was nice because it was all crappy outside and after he came back from his interview we just took a nap. and it was nice. =)

i just realized i had a really weird and fucked up dream last night. something with my "husband" dying or being killed. and there was his gay lover and his friend. i lived with some girls and then this crazy gay lover man comes in and i guess my husband was dying and the man wanted to be there andi didn't know what to do. and i thought he was going to kill us or my husband or both. something like that. it was strange. and then my husband dies and the gay lover wants to live there with us. and we were so scared there was puke all over the house. i can't really remember anything else. it's all so fuzzy. when i woke up in the middle of the morning i was trying to remember the dream but i was too lazy to get my journal. and now it's all foggy. but it was weird and frightening. oh well. off to school soon to do some work. with my new HD!! =)

the onion -- mom finds out about blog

i couldn't resist. i found the link to this onion article on someone else's site and i had to post it. it's so funny. anyone who has a blog probably has gone through something like this. i have gone through this very thing. my parents found this blog. and omg was i scared for the same sorts of things that this fake guy was. haha i kept thinking they would read the archives and find out way too much about it. and while the links to other blogs didn't matter, it's close to when my dad found my friendster profile and then asked a million questions about my testis. good lord. anyway, it's so blah outside. sorta drizzly. i'm tired but can't sleep. john hogged the bed AND was sweating! wtf is that all about? and then when i tried to wake him up for his interview he like half-ass bitches at me for sounding whiny. i'm doing that cuz 1) i'm tired and 2) sounding whiny is annoying gets people up faster...in theory. anyway, whatever. i gotta finish a rough version of this menu for class. omg am i screwed. this shit just isn't going to work out right. i can see it already. at least my portable HD came yesterday. woo! no more cd-rs for me. =)

website of the day: saturate

i seriously was falling asleep for like 5 minutes in class. like hardcore. i don't know what came over me but i was soooo tired. and now i'm fine. it was almost like narcolepsy. except not. so weird. anyway, i did talk to the insidetrack guy about john a bit. but not really in the dating sense. altho he knows we are dating. anyway, i'm in image manipulation class and my teacher is making the image of the man look like he has a gash in his face. it's cool. haha i'm out of it. i need to go home.

stress! i need to relax but it's hard when it's a fucking mess at school for pre-registration advisement bullshit. total high school style. and i HATED it in high school. the only fun was running into your fellow lastname mates in the gym and scrambling to beat them to that last slot in ms. grondahl's english class. yea right. that wasn't fun. that was stress. and here i am amidst that crap again. it's not quite the same but it's no SC telephone stuff. that's for sure. anyway, the room is so quiet i think i could hear a fly land on the back of the G5 tower. my skin is a bit red today and i'm not sure why. i think it's irritated. i'm considering pampering myself this holiday season at a salon. full on facial, waxing, etc. we'll see. i might ask for a gift certificate for xmas. that would rock. i really want a facial. it's been years. they just cost so damned much! but god are they worth it. anyway, i guess i'll head off to the insidetrack meeting in a few. maybe i'll talk to the guy about dating this time. maybe he's got some pointers. haha

website of the day: joshua davis

i need to relax. i really do. just loosen up and really enjoy life. cuz i'm so uptight. i'm in my head all the time. thinking entirely too much when i shouldn't be. it's horrible and i think it's ruining my life. i have been noticing lately that i'm not all that happy. not really sad but not too happy. and i think it's cuz i'm too uptight. cuz i should be happy. i'm surrounded by people who care about me. i'm at a school that i enjoy. i don't really have to worry about money or such responsibilities. so why be worried? why be tense? there's no reason. so i must start the process of trying to relax. be more chill. cuz otherwise i'm gonna be miserable and never truly happy. i talked to brian about this for awhile tonight. it was nice. i love brian. i'm glad he's here for me.

i feel like i'm a daze right now. just sorta going thru the motions. i'm tired yet not. too little sleep yet too much. confused about a lot of things. things people probably aren't even thinking i'm confused about. uncertain. wishing i could right things with a snap of my fingers. wishing i could change my ways. my mom's birthday is tomorrow and i totally forgot. i'm such a bad daughter. now my shit is going to be late. it's even too late for express mail. i think i've been walking around in a cloud of smoke these past few weeks. not paying attention to reality. neglecting things. half-assing others. i need to fix that.

website of the day: imustcreate

i finally saw the matrix with john tonight. i have to say, i agree with the masses. i didn't really like it. but i bet i didn't like it for different reasons than most people. cuz honestly, the plot isn't of my concern really since i can't remember the first one and i basically am confused on what's going on. so plotwise whatever. but i didn't like the feel of the movie. it felt flat and it was depressing. the action sequences are cool but in the end they seriously just made me feel sad. so anyway, i don't want to say too much since it's new and not everyone has seen it. but yea. i didn't like it. thumbs down. altho u gotta go see it just so u can see what happens. if u care that is.

last night was brian's party and i had a lot of fun. it was lowkey but fun. however, i may be biased. the night sorta ended the way i expected and i think we all know how i feel about it all. and we all know that nothing will ever change no matter how much people bug me about it all and try and egg me on. it's a moot point in the end of it all. i can't say this is sad necessarily, but then at the same time it is. =/

torment...

website of the day: toby grubb

i decided to streamline my blog. no poetry or photos. i haven't stuck photos on there in so long i feel it's pointless. my server space just can't hold it all. so it's gone. if i take photos of an event i'll load them onto a temp page and people can get them for awhile. and no poetry cuz i just don't care. that shit is so old and i don't write poems anymore. so it's useless. it doesn't really paint a current picture of who i am. the about me is still there. but it's no linked in the same way. if u click on my tiny picture on the page then u get the about me section. this just makes the blog that much easier. it's just a blog. and that's it. it's about me and what i want to ramble and bitch about. no extraneous stuff. if people don't like this. too bad. it's my blog. not yours! =P

today is such a lazy day and i can't seem to motivate myself to do anything. it's sad really. i NEED to get shit done. i just can't focus. maybe cuz it's cold and dreary outside. i dunno. tonight is brian's party. that will be fun. i just saw brian last night but i can never get enough of him. so it will be fun. and the best thing is i can drink as much as i want and not worry about driving home or DD's or anything. it's fucking brilliant. =)

website of the day: futurefarmers

i feel like it's been one really really long day. but that's cuz it was two days stuck into one. well, sorta. basically wednesday night (ie. like 4am or something) john came over after we both finished doing hw. and he stayed here that night. then we woke up yesterday (god were we tired!) and went to school together. so i saw him like almost the whole day except for the few hours where we had separate classes. but we do have the quark class together at night and i just happened to run into him after i went to the coffee bean and he was about to eat. which on a tangent, the kid that works at the coffee bean is so cute and nice. he totally helped me out. =) anyway, so after class last night john and i came back here. i showered and then we went to fred 62 for "dinner" (can u tell we live a very skewed lifestyle in terms of the timeline?? haha) at like 12:30am. we both had egg sandwiches but different types, and we sat in the window sill "booth" which was so cute. it's prolly gross from all the people sitting in there. i wouldn't doubt if nasty bodily fluids were there cuz it's all pillows and shit and it's got curtains around it if u really wanted it to be uberprivate dining. haha but it was cute so we sat there. then we came back here and he was gonna drive home cuz he didn't have another change of clothes and he hadn't been home in a day. but then we both just sorta laid down and got cozy and fell asleep. i woke up at like 4:30am and tried to move him but he wouldn't budge. so for sure he wasn't leaving. so then i just tried to make it comfortable for us to sleep. which i finally did. then we woke up late today and futzed around til about 2pm when i took emily to her interview. he showed me how you go about break dancing cuz he used to do that. it was funny cuz we had this music on loud and he was sorta dancing to it. he likes to dance. he's better than me. no fair. anyway, so i asked if he ever break danced cuz he looked like he would. and so he showed me. it's crazy. he's like super fucking skinny but he's really strong. he used to take wing chung (did i spell that right?) which is a form of martial arts. and he can hold his body up in this funky break dancing positions. so his legs and body may be stick thin, but his arms are very fit and muscular. anyway, the point is, emily thought that the thuds from the break dancing and the loud music equalled things she didn't want to be hearing. i thought that was hilarious. anyway, so that was all my time with john. i never did ask him about commitment but we did chat on AIM before he came over that other night and i got the impression that he didn't want to say we were commited. but then at the same token he spends so much time with me and says he misses me and stuff. so i dunno. i think i'm back in the whole grey area where i'll try and chill and leave it for awhile longer. cuz we've only been seeing each other for like 2.5 wks. so it hasn't really been THAT long yet.

anyway, that long paragraph was intential cuz i wanted it to feel long the way my long "day" with john felt. the rest of the day was spent taking emily to her interview in gardena which is a horribly boring city. then going to the grove with brian and looking at books and sharing cheesecake while staring at the people passing by. it was fun. i love brian. i miss hanging out with him as much. =/ now i'm at home. just sorta chilling. about to do some hw. how boring is that? friday night hw?? so sad. i'm a nerd. oh and brian said he made a christmas list for his parents. so i think i will compile a list of realistic things i want and stick it on here for anyone and everyone, who might want to get a gift, to read.

website of the day: kaliber10000

talk show host
- radiohead

i want to, i want to be someone else or i'll explode
floating upon the surface for
the birds, the birds, the birds

you want me, well fucking well come and find me
i'll be waiting with a gun and a pack of sandwiches
and nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing

you want me, well, come on and break the door down
you want me, fucking come on and break the door down
i'm ready,
i'm ready,
i'm ready,
i'm ready
i'm ready

bleh. i'm at school. really unenthused. i dunno if john's coming over tonight or what. i want him to so i can talk to him about everything. or i'll go to his place if that's more convenient since he always goes to my house. whatever. the honeymoon is DEFINITELY over and i might have to search for a new husband. haha god. i don't even care anymore. i mean i care about him. but i mean like if shit goes all bad i like have no desire to find someone new. cuz i just know shit will go wrong anyway. men are fucking horrible. i sound like some jaded feminist but really it's true in my eyes. the last 3 guys i've dated have been fucking retarded within one month. and this even includes dan. can't fucking handle a commitment. wtf is that bullshit? whatever. bleh. i suppose i'm slightly jumping the gun on this shit, but basically i'm pretty sure he doesn't want to commit. and for that he can fuck himself. or at least suck his own dick. cuz i certainly won't be doing that for him.

my eyes are feeling better. i can see again. i'm thinking it was some sort of crazy whatever happening that made me just feel like my eyesight was getting worse. but don't get me wrong. i by no means have 20/20 vision. but i don't think it warrents glasses. at least not yet. cuz u know, once u get them, then it's all down hill from there. anyway, i think i'm finally going to go to ralphs today. get some proper food. the picketers are off the line now so that's good. i desperately need food. i finished my map tracing last night for illustrator class. it looks pretty good i think. john was gonna come over last night but then he lagged and it got too late. i don't really care. i'm putting back the emotional wall. i let it fall down recently cuz i got really comfortable and that was a big mistake. we haven't had "the talk" per se but i am pretty sure he doesn't want a commitment. so fuck that. we can be whatever we are now but i have to distance myself emotionally. so i don't get too hurt in the end. i even stuck a piece of paper on my ceiling that says "the wall" to remind me that i can't let it come down again. fucking men. horrible. can never win. i think tonight i'll get a straight answer about it all. cuz i need to know. if he doesn't want commitment, does that mean if some other guy asked me out (such an unlikely occurance) i could go and it would be fine with him? i know if some chick asked him out i'd be upset. but i guess if that's the way it is, then i'd have to prepare myself at least for it. whatever. i can't be bothered with this bullshit right now. i have hw to get done and stuff. and kevin's dog shit on my carpet last night. good lord!

3 things.

1) i think i need glasses. today has been sort of a blur. i swear i can't see as well today. i wonder if all of a sudden my eyesight just shot down a few points or something. i don't know. it's weird. i'll have to monitor this.

2) i thought my image manipulation project wasn't that good but we just did a critique and everyone said it looked seemless. so i think i'm too harsh on myself. oh well. i guess that's a good thing. cuz then i'll strive for the very best and even if i don't quite make it in my eyes, i'm still not far from the mark.

3) john's wearing camouflage. need i say more? nope. haha

the day is shaping up to be much better. i was totally all anti-social and non-talkative til i hit the break in class. i ran into this guy emilio who i always see here. i met him thru john once. anyway, we talked a bit. he's actually right next to me now in the lab. he's cool. altho he references everything in terms of john only cuz he thinks we are dating. rather, he asked and i gave him a half assed response the first time. then he re-asked today so i explained how basically i had no idea what the fuck was going on. anyway, he's cool. he told me about this place downtown called the smell that has small shows for live bands. i might check it out. we'll see. i could write more but he's sitting here. he might see my shit. haha

website of the day: kdlab

today is going to be a very long day. i can feel it already. class hasn't even started and i'm already dreading the day. i feel distant. like not talking today. i bet i'll have to tho. i bet i'll be called on multiple times today in class. just my bloody luck. =/

*sigh*

i wish eric would call me back. =/

ky just left. rick is taking her to the airport so that i might start my homework. it was a fun weekend. good food. spurts of random fun. lazy talks. good stuff. it was really good to see her again. especially since i prolly won't see her til xmas time. i was gonna go home for thanksgiving but i doubt that's happening since school takes up so much time.

today we woke up and went to mani's bakery and cafe down the street. there were these two bitchy women who took our cute little booth but whatever. we tried not to let that ruin the fun. we had this great breakfast dish and some pastry to boot. good stuff. i wanna go back there for sure. it was yummy! yesterday we went shopping on 3rd street and ran into brian, gino, and steph at doughboys. that was a fun encounter. later she went to dinner with her friend nina while i went to see kill bill with john at the grove. he was late which pissed me off at first and ruined the beginning of the "date" but then i got over it. we had to see the later showing which turned out to be fine cuz we just futzed around in the meantime. it was good to see him again after the few day lapse. it sounds so trivial for me to say that tho since people don't have to see people everyday. and we talk on the fone at least once a day. but i dunno. i'm so used to seeing him more frequently that it was weird not to see him for a few days. and we both missed each other so i dunno. whatever. kill bill was fucking awesome. good form for tarantino. back to his old ways. good stuff. i can't wait for the second part to come out.

after that, he took me home and a group of us were suppposed to go out to the circle bar in santa monica. i invited him along but he didn't really want to go cuz he had lots of homework and class today at 9:30am. and it's midterms week so yea. i understood. but i really wanted kyla to meet him. and i'm not sure if he just knew that or what. but when he dropped me off he decided he wanted to come in for a bit and just sorta say hi to the folks. so that was fun. we crept up on kyla napping in my bed and waited for her to awake from our giggling. then rick pointed out that we were supposed to go visit starbucks to see mario and william. and i totally forgot. so i was all flustered cuz john was there but ky and i had to go right then so we could get back in time for the bar outting. so john left with us and offered to take us there which was nice. i'm not entirely sure why he did that. but whatever the reason, it makes me feel a lot better about him and i. cuz i really didn't think he was going to do that. and it surprised me. so it was fun. he came with us to starbucks but he prolly felt a bit out of place which is understandable so he sorta did his own thing while we chatted with the boys. but ky got to meet him a bit more in the car and stuff so that was good. and then he brought us back here and left to study and we went to the bar.

the bar was fun-ish. i mean basically we aren't great bar folks. we sat at the bar the whole time and fended off the approaching men. michael said the bartender was flirting with me when i got my drink. i think it was just to get more tips! haha he was sorta cute tho. in that slightly older, normal weight sort of way. haha the bar definitely did have that euro feel like michael said it did. but i'm not sure that was a good thing. the one midori sour i drank gave me a stomach ache cuz i didn't eat a proper dinner. so i went home feeling sorta ill. but some pita bread fixed that up.

so here i am. rambling on cuz now i have to do my hw and of course i don't want to. finding an excuse to not do it. and also pumping myself up cuz i have to really get into the mood. and considering a few minutes ago i was just laying down chatting with kyla, i now feel a bit more energized to focus and work. so that was my lovely weekend. SC is ranked #2 in the nation and we might just go to the sugar bowl!!! that would rock. go trojans. =)

website of the day: sofake

kyla is sleeping and i'm still not tired. so i think i might do one assignment or something. maybe some sketches. today we went to the football game. we beat WSU by a landslide. it was awesome! so fun to be back on campus. so weird. all these unfamiliar faces as well as ones we know too well. ran into tyler which was cool. haven't seen him in ages. the game wore us out and after we had dinner at this small thai place, we all came home and basically that was it for the night. i wanted to go out but we didn't know where to go and no one was enthusiastic. so alas we stayed in. but i had a really good long chat with ky about lots of stuff. so it wasn't a total loss. yesterday it rained at night which sucked so we didn't go out for halloween. some ppl did for a bit but by the time i picked up ky, it was late and we had lost motivation. so her, me, and emily stayed home. but we got dressed anyway and took photos. so that was fun. tomorrow i'm not sure what's going on. ky is gonna have dinner with nina and so i might go see kill bill with john. i talked to him briefly and i think he might be game. altho we'd have to go to an earlier show and that might not work out. we haven't seen each other since thursday night and he says he misses me. i sorta miss him too. just not seeing him in person. oh well. it's ok. i guess i'll do a bit of work now and then call it a night.