earlier this week i mentioned how there was such promise for the coming days. boy was i wrong. didn't go bowling (altho i did something almost as nice). didn't see baraka. and didn't go mini-golfing. did see becca and go out last nite. but 1 out of 4 isn't too hot now is it? home alone on a saturday night isn't too hot either. did sort out some stuff about spain. like the fact that flying to london and then from london to spain via easyjet will probably be cheaper than directly to spain. i'll have to keep an eye out for fares tho of course. summer is far off in terms of the travelling season. so plenty of time to figure it all out. or scrap the idea entirely and do something else. who the hell knows. anyway, i replied to a few craigslists jobs. sorta random jobs. one is an assistant to a photographer. that's sorta neat. anyway, i'm bored. don't want to do my hw either. i had no motivation to call people and find something to do. and no one bothered to call me. so whatever. i'm in for the nite. bleh.

i'm home alone. i was just laying on my bed for a long while. listening to music. drifting in and out of consciousness. now i'm up and at the computer. talking to ky. looking up spain stuff. i really think i want to go there this summer. maybe for like 10 or so days. bilbao - madrid - barcelona - seville. that would be a good trip. not too long. not too costly. anyone wanna come with me? i'd rather not go alone but if i must, i will. i'd potentially accompany michael to thailand if he went. but i just was in asia so i kinda wanna go somewhere else. i'd love to go to a totally new country that i've never been, but i'm not sure i am in the position to do that. due to cost. also this way if i went to spain, then i'd totally be done with europe. i could never go back there again and feel complete. western europe that is. i've been to every western european country. been to a handful in the east too. but i gotta totally do the whole russia thing. but that's a larger expense. and i don't think i could save that much dough by summer. anyway, spain this summer. any takers?

i just got back from the airport. becca and her friend lucy came and went. they are brighton girls. i met becca when i was studying there and then met lucy when i went back to visit last summer. they arrived yesterday and are off to fiji today. they had been in LA earlier in the week and visiting becca's cousin and then they went to vegas and the grand canyon. then came back here and spent the nite last nite. we went to the roost and it was good times. crowded. some cute guys as usual but i didn't even care. i have no desire to date anyone unless it is noah. and i suppose brian too. but that's sorta water under the bridge for me anyway. but yea. i dunno.

i was driving and sorta just thinking a lot. the way i do when i'm stuck in traffic and mindlessly inching my way forward down the freeway. my head felt really swollen with thoughts and feelings. rick periodically asks me how i feel about noah. how i'm dealing with this whole friends thing. i usually say i am fine. cuz i am. but i really don't think i'm so fine. not that i'm all crazy torn up about it. cuz i'm not. but i'm just frustrated and disappointed. wishing things could be different. especially when i think back to the nite when all was revealed. i was so happy that nite. so excited. i felt so comfortable. and now i don't. it's all shot. over. it makes me sorta sad thinking about it. laying there in his arms. thinking it was all going to work out. and then it didn't. =/ i guess i should never get my hopes up. even when it would seem ok to do so.

i feel like a lot of guys are the same. they have this weird illogical tick. they like girls. they want to be with girls. yet if a girl actually starts to show interest and want to be with them, they all of a sudden re-evaluate how much they liked the girl and tell themselves that they don't like her that much so that they can back off. because then commitment is actually possible. and they never want commitment. at least not at this age. it sucks. it really fuckin sucks. anyway, as a result i have decided to just stop dating for awhile. cuz it's always the same cycle and i don't feel like finding some rad guy. going out a few times. start liking him. then have him just pull away. what's the use in that? it's a waste of time, energy, and money. that's probably a really sour way to look at it all, but i dunno. it's just how i feel.

u know what else i really hate about men? when it comes to this point. u both like each other. he doesn't want commitment. and part of his speech is, "but i'm really attracted to u. so don't think that has anything to do with it." do i care about that? not really. that doesn't comfort me at all. that just lets me know that u'd like to fuck me without worrying about emotion. great. brilliant. men are so retarded. seriously. they admit it too. so let's not dispute.

i feel like everytime i have class with john (which is twice a week), i always have something to say about it. haha basically today was all awkward. not bad awkward tho. we had lunch and stuff and yea. it was strange. we don't know how to be just friends. cuz we never were. we got intimate too fast. and so now our post-dating whatever is lacking. and it's weird. and quite frankly, i'm a bit weary of it all. so i'm going to just let it all go but definitely be mindful. can't fall into any traps. no sir!

i'm talking to my friend jeff online now and explaining to him what happened btwn me and noah. and i realize how comical it is. all the wonkiness. i never did explain it all cuz i felt too defeated and tired to. but that night when all was revealed, i learned that since day 1, it's all been wonky. let me explain.

so if u can go back many entries ago, i'm sure i mentioned how there was a boy at orientation who i had my eye on but never got to talk to. this boy is noah of course. i remember it well. well, not as well as he does. but i remember sitting down in the mass of chairs. and i think i sat somewhere in the back. i was looking around at all the unfamiliar faces wondering which of these people i'd ever talk to again. the woman speaking said for those in the back to move fwd. so i did. i moved down and spotted noah. and so i chose not to sit next to him but rather across the aisle from him. why i did this i am not sure. prolly just cuz i was too scared to sit next to him cuz i'm a wuss with guys. so i just sorta sat there and looked over periodically. took note that he was a transfer kid in graphic design. perhaps i'd have a fundamental class with him i thought. and once we went into our own dept groups, i didn't see him again til i was about 5 people away from him in the line to get our supply kits. and now that i know the whole story, apparently he was looking at me as well. wanting to talk to me. but not. he remembers what color shirt i was wearing. even *i* don't remember that.

so now we move onto the first week of school. color theory class. in walks "the boy from orientation"!!! i was all excited cuz this would be my chance at redemption for being a wuss during orientation. but after class was over and we had to go to the supply store, i tried to chat with him at the register and it fell flat. so i sorta lost a bit of hope. and then that nite i met john and he gave me his number. so the second week of class, even though i still wanted to talk to noah, my failed attempt at conversation coupled with john giving me his fone number made for me doing nothing. and then john and i started dating and so i sorta gave up the noah idea.

but then as the weeks went on and i realized that john wasn't such a good guy to date, i started to think about ways to talk to noah. but he sat behind me and i never knew how to turn around and get his attention. and even if i did, i didn't know what to say! so just about every week i'd turn around a couple times. and every time he'd be working with his head down. when breaks would come i didn't know where he would go cuz he always left class so fast. so i figured it would never work. i even tried borrowing some random crap from him in hopes that it'd start a convo. but it never did. and apparently, he did the same. or at least when he borrowed my pencil one day, he thought i was pissed off at him. but in reality it was me being pissed at myself for not talking more as a result of this lending of goods.

then one day the class was all crazy and loud and we ended up playing table football and talking. i recall this day cuz one guy in class asked me about john and how it was going. and this was while noah was out of the room. and i was thankful for this cuz i didn't want him to know i was dating anyone! since i knew that the john thing wasn't working out anyway. and then we got to talking about dating older women and i remember noah saying he'd totally want to date some hot 40 year old and he should start looking around our business park. that clued me in that he was probably single. and this was the week before thanksgiving. cuz i remember walking out the door with him and chatting and then foolishly just leaving to go to my car and not even asking what he was doing over the break since he was staying in town. i was really kicking myself for that.

so then the last couple weeks of class were crunch time. had to ask him out or at least get his fone number. i didn't know what to do. one day i was foiled cuz we had to fill out surveys and we all left at different times. one day he was sick. then finally the last day. and i already blogged about that. how we went to lunch and shopping. and that was mostly his doing. which i am glad. altho i got his number that day. now, again, after knowing the whole story, apparently every week noah would stare at the back of my head and wish i'd turn around and talk to him. i would! i tried!! he just never saw me. so alas, missed attempts.

the nite we went out dancing, he claims that since we didn't touch while dancing, he figured i didn't like him. i claim that 1) it wasn't going to be just him and i dancing so i assumed it was in no way a date, 2) i don't touch when i dance usually cuz i'm not a good enough dancer to do that, and 3) i invited him back to my place and he declined on the basis that he had to catch a flight the next day. now if we had just both been smart and said something right there, we wouldn't have had to guess over the 3 wk break. but since we were lame, i called him a couple times over break. still unsure of his feelings. but hopeful because of the conversation we had when i was sober and he was drunk.

so then once we are both back in LA, the dating game began. i invited him to bowling, and his willingness to do whatever i wanted gave me slight indications that he was interested. bowling was fun but i needed a real date to seal the deal.

so then i asked him out on a "real" date a couple days later. and that's when he says to me during dinner, "i don't think dating someone from school is a good idea." which to me was a direct indication that he must not like me even though i sorta thought he did. and then we went out drinking and he had to drive my car cuz i was too drunk. and he drove us to his place and then mentioned me driving home. and when i was falling asleep in his chair he kicked my leg and told me i should wake up to drive home. all these signs told me he didn't want me there. but yet i slept over anyway cuz i was in fact too tired and still a bit drunk to go home. we slept in the same bed and nothing happened and i assumed that since most men make the move, perhaps he really didn't like me. even though he was holding my hand and caressing it, i just wasn't sure. and the half ass hug goodbye really didn't help. he claims that he did want me to stay over and that while we were laying there he touched my leg and i moved away which meant to him that i didn't want anything! i don't remember that happening. again, misread signals.

so then there was the hot tub night. when it all came out. and we finally revealed all. including all that i have just explained. so u'd think that it'd be clear cut. but no. he made this ridiculous promise that he'd swear off women til april. who does that? and he was kicking himself the whole nite about it too. i assumed that he might say fuck all to the promise and just go for it. but he didn't. and so last saturday at brian's party it just all sorta unraveled. where i thought i could sway him, instead he just dropped the bombshell of not wanting a relationship at all. despite him liking me and all that. despite overcoming all the wonkiness that had ocurred. he decided no dating. it made me upset and we had a formal talk about later the next nite. same outcome. just sober.

and so here i am. telling this comical tale of missed signals. overanalyzing. the works. i feel like it would make a good comedy. honestly. i've never known a time where i have fucked up that much in reading someone. where two people have fucked up that much. and now i am living with the results and trying to be his friend. it's frustrating. i really just want to jump his ass sometimes. or at least kiss him. but i refrain. cuz i'm not like that. plus i'm not always one for just the physical stuff anyway. sure it's nice, but whatever. if i want that, i'll get a fuck friend. it's not that hard. and sure there are times when that is nice. but i'm not in one of those moments right now really. i want a relationship. nothing ridiculous. just simple. straightforward. if i can't have that, then i don't really want anything. and i also don't feel like going out on dates anymore. not right now. they take too much time and energy. all this bullshit getting to know each other banter. can't deal with it. so yea. that's the wonky tale. beginning, middle, and muthafuckin end. goodnite!

i have been ridiculously silly all day. lo and i had a great afternoon. and i didn't even leave the house! it's fucking great! i even did my hair all crazy and totally forgot about it til emily was like, "jen. your hair is all weird. it doesn't look good." haha i totally forgot. below is a before and after shot. before meaning when it was all crazy. and after meaning after i took it out and now it's fucking wild. haha god i crack myself up sometimes. i think i can be the silliest and laziest person ever. not at the same time tho. cuz those don't go hand in hand. oh! and john ross came over and came to my room and was like, "it looks EXACTLY the same as when i was here months ago. nothing has changed." and by that he means even the smallest nuances. like my scissors facing a certain way and all that. good god. my ocd. it's mad sometimes. mad!

i slept in my clothes last nite cuz i was too lazy to change and go to bed properly. how ridiculous is that? noah and i didn't join the gang bowling cuz of course last nite our teacher kept us the entire time. so then by the time we actually go to our cars it was too late. so we rented this movie, cradle will rock, and watched it at my place. it was too long and slow. he had to watch it for class though. so we couldn't fast fwd or anything.

god. this whole friend thing with him is definitely harder than i thought. cuz i really want to be friends and hang out cuz he's cool and i really like being with him. but it's ever so FRUSTRATING!!! everytime i see him i just wanna kiss him. like really badly. just one really good long kiss to get it out of my system. well, maybe it wouldn't get it out of my system and just leave me wanting more. but either way, it's so unfair. if i was one of those ballsy girls i would do it. but then i'd also have made the move faster in the first place. so whatever. my self-esteem right now is just about shot. with my recent boy messes, how could it not be? my friends say i give up too easily. but right now i don't think i'm really in a position to try anymore.

valentine's day is like 2 wks away and i'm sure brian will go out with one of his girls. so i'm stuck alone since he was my backup date. anyone wanna go out with me just so i won't be lonely? after all, vday this year is on a saturday. and i don't want to be home on a saturday night AND have it be vday as well. haha that's just too depressing.

i hate typography class. i hate tracing letters and coloring them in. gah! this weekend is not going to be fun. i have to hand draw two sentences of black letter type along with two illuminated capitals. all nicely done on some printmaking paper. gah. i don't have a drafting table at home. my workspace is limited. whatever. i'll worry and whine later. i ran into noah during my break. i think that is quite possibly the first time i have ever seen him outside of class at school. cuz there were all those times last quarter where i would hope to run into him outside of class to get his number and ask him out. but no. of course i didn't. and now that i know him and have been there and back with the whole dating thing, of course i run into him! gah. life is ridiculous and unfair. but what else is new?

bowling tonight! should be fun. i hope brian comes with the girl. the one of two girls that is. haha when it rains it pours right? no more rain for me. i'm in a drought. a horrible drought that has no end in site. possibly because i have no means to the end. but i shant worry about that now either. cuz there's nothing i can really do and there's nothing i even want to do. c'est la vie. it's time to go see aaron!

finished my homework! and it's only 1:30am. woo. this is round one of my peacock for adv. image class. basically i drew the peacock on paper. scanned it in. then traced it in illustrator and made some changes. then colored it in photoshop. it's not done though. it needs more work with the coloring and needs a texture. but as far as tomorrow's homework is concerned, it's done. ultimately we are going to make a large sized poster with the image on there and a background and text. so it'll be rad when it's done. at least i hope it will. =)

oh yea. my color theory teacher from last quarter nominated me for the presiden'ts club at school. basically it's this thing that u have to get nominated to be in. then they send you an application and u fill it out and i guess based on that they choose like 10 or so people to be in the club. and the club is for students to be liasons btwn the rest of the school and the faculty/president. help make changes with stuff. etc. u get the idea. so anyway, i got the application in the mail like a couple weeks ago and i finally decided to just fill the fucker out. cuz there is no harm in doing so. it was a short app. i also had to write one paragraph about myself. i opted to write it in magenta ink on transparency paper. i figured i'd have fun with the app. if they can't appreciate that i don't give a shit. cuz honestly, if they chose me to be in this club, i'm not entirely sure i'd want to be in it anyway. but yea. now i gotta figure out where to turn it in. cuz it didn't say where the office of the president is. it just said to turn it in. lotta good that does me!

i ate too much candy and now i'm going crazy! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!

i totally forgot to mention...the office won 2 golden globes!!! one for best comedy and one for best actor in a comedy -- ricky gervais (the boss on the show). and it was up against stuff like sex in the city. it's the first time a foreign show has won in either category. that's fucking brilliant. apparently the cast was sitted at a table on the second tier of the ballroom. so when they won it was hard for them to go onto the stage. haha it was totally unexpected by everyone. how sad that the hollywood foreign press didn't actually think one of it's nominees would win so they stuck the cast so far away. anyway, if you haven't seen the show, WATCH IT!! it's on BBC america. the first of the two seasons is out on dvd in america. so there u can rent it too. apparently NBC is going to make a US version but i doubt it will be as good. cuz the best part is ricky gervais' facial ticks and speech patterns. no american can do that. at least not that i can imagine. but who knows. when it comes out, i'll watch the pilot to see. but i'm sure i will be disappointed. hollywood is stupid and thinks that everything is so formulaic and if something different succeeds, then everyone and their mother should copy it. but that's not the wrong idea. it should just push people to think even harder about making something even more new and different. oh well. stupid hollywood rarely learns.

wow. it's only tuesday and i already see lots of potential for the rest of the week. tomorrow is bowling. i think a decent sized crowd will show up. bowling is always good fun too. thursday i want to see baraka at the new beverly. i hope i can convince noah to come with me. friday, becca from brighton comes with her friend lucy. so i'll round up a crew to go out to wherever they want to go. maybe some bars or something. they are staying over that night as well. then saturday i'd like to get a girls night out going cuz we haven't done that in ages. me, emily, and jessica. if they are up for it. i'll ask. maybe some mini-golfing and vietnamese sandwiches down in the OC. that would be fun. something different than the usual bar-hopping stuff. so if u girls are reading this, let me know what u think. anyway, could be some good times for the next few nights. woo! now if i could just finish my fucking hw for tomorrow. i procrastinated so much that i'll be up all night i think. boo.

noah just called me like for no reason. just to chat i guess?!? that totally rocked my socks. cuz he's never done that before. it was always either him returning my call or me just straight up calling to ask him out or whatever. so yea. fun fun.

oh and lost in translation got 3 golden globes! best picture (musical or comedy), best actor (musica or comedy) -- bill murray, and best screenplay. good shit. maybe it'll get some oscars. i know it won't get best picture cuz i'm sure lord of the rings will. but maybe it will get best actor and screenplay. that would be awesome. such a good movie deserves awards. and it comes out on dvd next tuesday. woo!!!

i'm upset. frustrated. angry. sad. ugh!! this is sooooo unfair. it's different if he didn't like me. cuz then there is nothing i could really do. but he does! at least he says he does. and the way he looks at me tells me that he does. i may be naive and sorta lost in the boy world, but there are just certain things that u can tell about someone. the way he was fiddling with my clothes and kept touching me while we were talking. the great hug he gave me when we left. stuff like that. it's really depressing to me. to just let it all go. gah. whatever. we'll hang out more. maybe he'll change his mind? realize he's being retarded. probably not. that's wishful thinking. or maybe it will be a dan situation condensed in time. that would fucking suck tho anyway cuz we all know how that ended. bleh. i'm going home.

yea. game over. jen lost. so reading the rest of this is quite possibly pointless. writing just might be as well. but i shall try and explain what i think happened inside noah's brain. basically things never really started off right. it took us a whole quarter to finally go out on a pseudo-date. and the date was awkward. only because neither person fessed up to liking the other. then the break came and we kept it up and it was good. i think we were both probably quite excited about it all. i called him and left a message. he liked it so much he saved it and made his friends listen to it. and when we got back to LA and went out, we had good times. but yet we both misread each other. so finally last week we just said it outright. but it was a bit too late. the wonky start we had gotten off to was merely continuing with a wonky middle. and soon to be followed by a wonky end. somewhere along the line, noah realized that this could actually work. that the girl he liked and wanted to like him, just might actually date him. and so now he's all scared. gun shy. he didn't ever want a relationship and he never thought that it would work out with us. and so now that it has, he had to decide what to do. and he chose to cop out and not want to date. call it off before it even began. which is not what u normally do. u usually let it run it's course for 3-4 weeks and then have "the talk." but this is a wonky end, and so as such, we had the talk before we even tried dating. and of course i suffer. =( i can tell that he's waivering on this decision cuz as we were talking about it, he's going "i dunno. i know this is a mistake. what am i doing? my friends tell me i'm being stupid. etc etc" so whatever. i'm upset. all this time wasted. i mean not that i'm going to look elsewhere. cuz i'm not. i'm swearing off men. my self-esteem is completely shot right now. i'm back to thinking i'll never have a bf. i don't even care about that in the general sense cuz right now i really only like noah. and i have no rhyme or reason to go out and look for other guys. so i won't. we've decided to be friends. maybe i can convince him to date me along the way. make him realize he really did make a mistake. or just be frustrated. i dunno. he wants his cake and eat it too. to still hang out with me and be around me but not date me. fuckin hell. i hate men. men are all fucking wusses or selfish bastards when it comes to women and dating. i even did all the goddamn leg work on this one. commitment is too much for him. gah! at least he gives good hugs. and has soft hands. not that i'll get to hold them. but still. wah wah wah. i'll whine all i bloody want!

anyway. i left noah's at like 2am and then went to josh's and we went out for coffee at swingers. he ran into people there and we ended up being there til like 4 something. josh was sympathetic to me which was nice. and it took my mind off it all. i got home at like 5am and just went to sleep in my clothes. when i woke up this morning i hit my knee really badly and now i am limping. good lord. it's a fine, fine time for me. shitty as fuck. i hate it. i'm going to sulk quietly as class starts. bleh.

game over. =(

john just came over and gave me back my guitar stand. he wasn't here too long. but he could tell i wasn't happy. he guessed the cause as well. boy troubles. haha so sad. i'm going over to noah's in an hour to talk. i fear i will be sad when i leave. =( and here i was so hopeful before. not anymore. not anymore indeed.

let's just say that because of last nite, rick and i spent the afternoon helping each other through it all. =(

birthdays. birthdays. birthdays! it's fucking riduculous how many there are this month. lemme list them all.

emily -- 5th
daniel (from the band) -- 10th
devin -- 14th
michael & dominic (from oregon) -- 15th
betsy -- 18th
gino -- 19th
justin -- 23rd
brian -- 24th

that's 9 that i know of. good lord! what month was 9 months ago? haha anyway, tonight i'm going to brian and gino's for the 3 headed birthday party. it's celebrating gino, justin, and brian's birthdays. i except it to be a good time. haven't been to a party since new years! i hope to get quite drunk. but not puking drunk. none of that bullshit. i've got my outfit picked out. it's cute. all matching. woo! time to try and do hw and futz around and all that jazz til i get ready for tonight.

i just got off the phone with noah. good times. he called me tonight. yay! i hate being the one that always calls. it always feels so lopsided. anyway, i watched l'auberge espagnole tonight and it was good. reminded me of when i went to study in england. not entirely. but some bits. and there was this one scene that did a great job of showing what it's like when you are really fucking drunk. later i watched rules of attraction over at brian's with gino, justin, and gino's friend josh. that's a good movie. i just bought it. the cast is beautiful and it's nice and dark. there are 2 really awesome scenes. one is awesome cuz of the way it's shot. the camera angles and how the shots converge at the end of the scene. it's neat. and then there's one scene which i don't want to give away. but basically it's so painful to watch but that's what makes it so good. the way it's shot and the music and content, u just want to cringe even tho in reality u don't really seen the whole picture. it's cuz your imagination runs with the concept and so it's so good yet so painful to watch. i like it. oh, and i just realized i watched waking life in class today too! so that's 3 movies in one day. good lord!!! that's like a record for me i swear. crazy shit.

john wasn't in class today. <--- think of it being said in a childlike antagonistic voice with a smirk on my face. our class has like 8 people in it. me and one other girl always come on time. then these other two people came in a few minutes late. then this one guy came in like 30 minutes late. and finally this other girl came in 1 hour and 15 minutes late. leaving john and this other girl who is always late, not even showing up at all. the teacher was pissed! cuz it's pretty easy to tell when u are late with such a small class. he said that next week when john and the girl come in, he's going to warn them that if they don't shape up, he's going to suggest they drop the class. haha our teacher is a nice man too. he's fair. but he hates people who are late and people who don't do their hw. and that's pretty standard for most teachers.

so anyway, i left class early cuz we get to do that on friday if we finish which rocks! so i left early and called noah. chatted for a bit. he said he will come to the party tomorrow. yay! so he can meet a majority of my friends and they can meet him. i'm excited. i can't wait to get wasted. regardless if noah was there or not. on my way home i stopped off at pearl art to get some stuff and when i got back in the car, i had a missed call from john. figures. prolly wants to know what he missed in class. but he didn't leave a message. so u know what, i'm not fucking calling him back. and even if he did leave a message, i prolly still wouldn't. cuz 1) the last time i called and left a message, he didnt call me back. and 2) i'm rooting for him to fuck up enough to where he'll have to drop the class. horrible, yes i know. but hey, he's a total slacker student. so whatever. why should i try and help save his ass? if we were good friends i would. but we aren't. not anymore. so fuck that shit. get the information from some other person in class. oh wait. she was the one who didn't show up either! that's right. cuz she's almost as bad of a slacker as he is. (all said in a sarcastic tone of course) like i said once before. they ought to date. they are perfect for each other. AND they leave really close to one another. it makes sense. time to watch l'auberge espagnole!

ah once again, checking to see what search terms led people to this blog. here are some recent ones:

bobby buisson
vagrant drugs blog jen
travis this engine burns
lip gloss fantasy

i only mention these because that means that people somehow connected to me found this blog. cuz bobby. that was the boy from eons ago back at SC during the summer. he came up twice recently. how funny. i wonder if it's an ex gf or a friend or himself?! the vagrant one. not even touching that with a ten foot pole. no libel here!! i'm sure it's someone from vagrant checking it. cuz who else would type in such things? maybe joey. but it was a mac user. and joey doesn't have a mac to my knowledge. and the travis one. well that could be travis himself. or his gf. or some girl that likes him. bandmate. who knows. but i may have met that person before. and the actual name of my blog being searched. that has been happening recently. i'm thinking it's someone who can't remember the damned url. altho it's not that hard. just take on blog! haha or maybe it's someone who has my email and then wonders what the root of my email. who knows. i don't give a shit. but it's always interesting to see how people get here.

gung hay fat choi

today is chinese new years. too bad i have like one friend here who even remotely celebrates it. haha not that i'm all strict chinese. cuz i'm not. but back in SF i knew several people who would "celebrate" so to speak. oh well. whatever.

as for last nite. i don't really wanna talk about it. not right now at least. cuz even tho i know EVERYTHING now, i feel more confused than ever. and even tho i couldn't be happier, i am really disappointed.

so last week this time, noah got to meet some of my friends over bowling. this week i get to meet some of his friends in the hot tub. we'll see how this goes...

woo! got my symbol shit done. and all before midnight. good stuff. now i have to either start on my design stuff due friday or just futz around. can't decide. i wanna talk to rick but he seems so tired and drained that i don't want to bother him. i just put away another one of jason's postcards with my stash of cards, letters, etc from over the years and i decided to read the one that kyle sent me a good 4.5 years ago. i actually got that badboy out while he was here but didn't want to read it in front of him cuz it would just be sorta awkward. so i read it now. and it's so cute. u can tell that he and i were definitely much more naive back then about relationships and liking people and all that. but damn it was so cute. i think kyle was like my first serious crush. sure i had plenty in high school. even a few in grade school. but kyle was like the first guy i really really like and had deep feelings for. even tho when i look back on it all, it all seems so innocent. cuz it was. but u still can't deny the actual feelings themselves. anyway, blast from the past indeed. i've come a long way with the boys in one sense and totally haven't in another. haha everyone cross their fingers for me and my endeavours tomorrow with noah! haha

jacob just called me!!! yay!! i haven't talked to him in ages and ages. i had no idea who it was cuz it was a blocked call. and then when he asked for jen i was so confused cuz i didn't really recognize his voice. u know how when someone calls and u don't know who it is and u quickly try and run through all the voices that could possibly match. the only person i could come up with was john. just cuz i guess he vaguely sounds like john within the first few words. but anyway, we had a good chat. nice catching up with him. i finally got his address so now i'm going to send him something. his birthday is in april. he turns 21. how cute. =) i have soft spot for that boy even if i do feel a bit bad about what happened. what a lovely break from my hw.

oh yea. i got an orbital piercing yesterday. i took emily to get her belly button pierced and i found out that to get my orbital it would only cost 20 bucks. so i was like, what the fuck. might as well. cuz i had been faking it for awhile cuz i thought it would cost more. but since it was so cheap i made it official. it's nothing special really cuz it's just in the lobe. it's just a ring that goes through two holes. if u get it up in the cartilage it's much more painful and a bigger deal. so yea. new piercing for jen! i'm off to the central public library now. never been there before. gotta get some material for my project due tomorrow. finding books on symbols and such. i'm such a slacker waiting til the last minute. but so is noah. he hasn't done his either. so i'm not alone. haha

i just went to visit brian and hang out cuz i hadn't seen him like all week. and it was a good chat and a good time indeed. i love hanging out with brian. we discussed our plans this week for dealing with the potential dates we could have and such. haha fun fun. but now i must address something that has been building in the back of my mind. because as i was walking home, i saw noah's car! and his friend (who is a girl) lives over here. like a few blocks away. now, it's like 1am. and so i've just got to wonder. are they just friends? cuz he always refers to her as his friend. and like u'd think if he was dating her he would tell me. right? cuz when we spoke of our last relationships, there was no mention of this girl. it was of another girl. but it's 1am! i actually whipped out the fone and called him and he answered and we chatted for a few. and he again said he was going to his friend's house. always calling her a friend. but damn, i have to wonder. it troubles me slightly. i just don't know. i'll worry later i suppose. cuz u'd think he would have the decency to tell me he was seeing someone. i mean he has to know i like him. i've asked him out a few times now. and i even said i wanted to go on a real date. oh but i just don't know. i'm all troubled now. terribly troubled. i'll worry later yes. but still, quite troubled. i think i'm going to just have to ask him and be frank about this. cuz i can't be continuing down some dead end path here. god. u think he'd tell me tho. but who knows. maybe he's a prick who likes attention. i'd hate to think that. but damnit, u just never know these days. u just never know.

last night definitely took the willpower of us both.

on another note. john and i are civilized again i think. i called him last nite and he was still a little prick but i think we can manage. i think everyone is right. a little part of him is hurt that i don't give a shit anymore. that he doesn't have any sort of control. oh well. too bad for him. not to mention he said that most of his friends have gf's now so he doesn't know what to do cuz they are all off with their girls. boo friggin hoo. i told him, "you aughta get one too then." he refused. tough luck for him. maybe that's also why he "kinda" missed me. i could act as some filler in. fuck that. i'm no stand in.

if it's not one hurdle it's another. ugh!

i knew that taking a class with john was a bad idea. i just knew it when i registered. but i was stupid. i won't ever make that mistake again if it comes up. if i am so lucky as to date noah and we have to schedule for the next quarter, i'll make sure we don't take any classes together. cuz i just wanted to shoot john today. not only did he come in an hour late with 2 other people, but he was totally antagonizing me in class. i fucking can't stand him sometimes. ugh!!! it's totally made my day all shitty. i have to like take a nap or something to get rid of this bad mood i'm in. ugh. fucking bullshit. and i just want my goddamned shit back too. is that so hard? well i guess when he fucking won't even return my calls. ugh!!!

aww i just got an email from kyle and one from dominic. and dominic sent photos! aww. that already makes me feel a lot better. =)

i don't wanna do hw. so i don't think i will. i sorta just feel like sleeping. crazy. i go to bed so early these days. like usually before 3am! and lots of times before 2am. i guess that's not really THAT early but john got me on this fucked up schedule last year where i'd be up til like 4 or 5am on a regular basis and it was just so strange. and now i'm back to my more usual 2am thing and i feel all weird. i wake up before my alarm goes off and everything. i guess cuz i'm fully rested. u figure if i wake up at like 9:30am and go to bed around 2am that's like 7.5 hrs of sleep which is totally enough. so strange. i bet this will change a bit once the hw starts getting intense again. i can see myself up til at least 3am daily once that happens.

yesterday seemed long. maybe cuz i woke up before my alarm. who knows. but i passed out early. i had two classes. typography and adv. image manipulation. my type teacher seems nice but a stickler. her name is jennifer and she has this awesome bag that i've seem at the moca gift shop and it's way expensive. but fucking cool. so she gets an A just for that. we had to do these presentations on the history of type. like she split us up into groups and we had to read some material and then present it. i was going to the speaker for my group and i had all the notes we gathered and was just gonna sorta wing it. after all it's a dinky presentation prepared in class. and it's art school! but she got me all fucking nervous cuz she kept coming around to the groups and asking if we were ok and that we should practice cuz it's a lot different being up there and blah blah blah. why she got me nervous i do not know. cuz i've done presentations a million times. i used to get nervous but that was a bit different. it was business school. competitive as fuck. wearing business suits too usually which inherently up the ante. and here i am getting nervous over *this* dinky thing. so then once we finally presented and i saw the first two groups go, i wasn't concerned at all. this shit would be so simple. and by god it was. one of john's friends is in my class. and of course he came late to class. those fuckin slacker kids. good lord. whatever. i bet john will be late to our class tomorrow too. he didnt even fuckin return my call from the other day. i'll give him shit for that.

anyway, so after type class i went to the coffee bean and got some coffee cake and a drink. i swear those boys over there are so nice. never charge me the full fare. it's great. then i went to my insidetrack coach. i havent seen him since before break and so i had all this crap to talk about. some new restaurants. my new classes. the fact that i'm not dating john anymore and seeking out noah. everything. it's so funny. i actually don't mind going cuz we just chat about random stuff. there is this other coach there who was trying to come up with a way to make a sandwich where the bread is like turkey stuffing. and it would be filled with gravy and turkey and maybe cranberry sauce. every week i go there and i ask him about it. he has to ask his culinary kids!! haha

after that i went to adv. image class which is really small. it's weird. my computer classes this quarter are really small. like 10 or so people. noah is in my class and so once we got out we chatted a bit. we got out majorly early which thru off my plans cuz basically i thought we'd just leave class together and go to either the movie or bowling. but it was so early that it didnt work out that way. i suppose we could have gotten dinner but i wasn't even hungry so the thought never crossed my mind. so he went home and told me to call him when i figured out what to do. so i got home and found out a bunch of ppl were going bowling so that's what i wanted to do. plus some people could meet him and i could see how he would do with my friends. so after all this hoopla over rides and whatnot it turned out that lo drove me, noah, and jessica. it was silly cuz we were rushing and so lo and i get in the car and go down burnside and look for noah walking. and then i didnt know what to say so i just blurted out "aaaaaahhhh" and pointed at noah. and then lo stopped and noah hopped in. this was all after this woman and her daughter were walking their dogs and the woman just walked right into me. and then i said to lo, "god. wtf? she totally could have walked around me." and only to find that the woman was still there and apparently looking at me. whatever. she walked into ME! so we got to bowling and shitload of ppl were there. we knew at least one person in 7 consecutive lanes of bowling. it was fucking weird. but we had a good time. i got my best score ever on the first round -- 137. beat noah. then he beat me on the second round. we all had a good time. i think my friends like him. he seems to get along well. it was good times. we came back here and talked for a bit. then he left. i must go on a real date with him now. like a typical boring ass date. just to make it like official and blunt. so he should call me sometime. cuz he said he would and i was like, "men never call." and so now he has to prove me wrong. haha (<---- devilish laugh)

woo! i called noah earlier and the conversation went so well. it was just like really easy to talk to him. we have a class together too. just found that out. so that makes things easier. cuz i want to either go bowling or see velvet goldmine tomorrow and either way we will leave class at the same time. so it's so great and simple! he said he'd do whatever i wanted. so easy to please that noah. haha i'm all excited. oooh what to wear tomorrow?!?

i made a new website just for my photography. i trashed my old portfolio type site. so welcome square fetish // version 2.0. it's really basic. made it in basically one day. did the layout last night. did the photo stuff today. one page. easy to view the photos. nice and simple. the way i like most things.

woo! i just made my very first duct tape wallet. =)

first day of school. pretty fucking boring and pointless. imagine walking to class that's supposed to be 4 hours long and the teacher let's you out after 20 minutes cuz the only thing we can do is go over the syllabus. typically u think "yay! short class. i can go home now." and you walk home. ok now imagine driving 13 miles to get to campus. parking your car on the 3rd floor of the structure. standing in a pointless line to get your "hold sheet" that says you can't get your official schedule of classes til you get the hold lifted. the hold being one for the FAFSA which if going to USC didn't get me any money, this school surely won't. getting that hold lifted. getting my official schedule of classes. going to class for 20 minutes to review the syllabus. leaving school and driving 13 miles home. ok that was my day. utterly pointless. oh one neat thing tho. my teacher used to make record album covers for many years. done stuff for bob dylan, paul simon, and more i can't recall. he's gotten grammy nominations for his work too. that's fucking cool. seems like a nice man but i heard he's hard. who knows. whatever.

i also thought i'd at least see john in class today and that whole messaging me and not replying to my reply would be mentioned btwn us or whatever. nope. didn't show up to class. the class has 10 people in it and he was 1 of 3 that didn't show. fucking slacker. i figured he either failed our other class or just didn't show up on time. the latter was correct cuz i called him and said, "i just left school. i thought we had class together?" and he mumbled something like, "no. i have class at noon." it was nearly 1pm when i called. did the idiot even realize? we do have class together. he's just extremely late. i said, "umm yea john. graphic design 3 at noon. yea i already left that class and am on my way home." and he goes, "shit! class is over already?" yep. that's john for ya. retard. he was getting gas i believe. he said he'd call me back. never did of course. i'm not going to call anymore. i tried. i tried to make contact because he did with his fucking lame ass text message. but whatever. i presume i'll see him on friday when we have class together again. and isn't that lovely. 10 people in this fucking class. it's going to be very small and he's in it. good lord.

on another note. i FINALLY got a rad toy from kinder. a SMURF!!!! shitty thing is, one of the pieces to the smurf's accessory is missing. boo!! but hey, it's just as good as a flintstone toy which is what i wanted before. so whoopdeedoo. =)

talking to brian just now, i have restored faith and hope. i won't give up without a fight! hehe

not feeling as hopeful anymore. oh well...

ok i know i just posted but i went to check the stats of people who look at my blog as i do every so often. i like to see what people type in search engines to get my site. this is the best one ever:

final fantasy 7 cheats (how do u get the guy that owns the dress shop to give u a dress and the guy that owns the wig shop to gve u a wig)

yes folks. 33 words including the a's, and's, & the's. and even one mispelled word. now who in their right mind types in something that long into a search engine? good god! when u type that into yahoo search, somehow i am #6! wtf? sure i get a lot of searches for things like lip gloss and fucking and fantasy and things combined. but this? good lord people. obviously this person doesn't know how search engines work. u can't type in 33 words and expect to get anything worthwhile!!

jason just called me from japan!! it was so good to hear from him. we had a lovely chat about many things. he was shrooming. haha he had to get away from the people in the house. so he called me. it was like 3am over there. he said he wants to come back to america for spring break. how exciting. i can't wait to see him. i miss him. he's so far away. can't just drive 6 hours and see him. no siree bob. i'm glad i answered the phone cuz it was like 10am and i was tired but i thought it might be my parents since they always come up as just "call" on my phone. but nope. it was jason! =) good times.

last night was so silly. once we were all back here and drinking for emily's bday (altho i wasn't cuz of the puking incident with kyle) and i took brian up to my room to show him something, everyone got all curious. u know. same ole same ole. they all want us to hook up. i hear them making comments as brian and i are sitting and talking. we didn't go back downstairs and so after a little while everyone came upstairs and raided the room. they turned off the lights and made brian and i lay on top of each other and even threw scooter (my inflatable robot) into the mix. justin kissed brian and neither really seemed to mind since they both seemed at least a bit intoxicated. it was ridiculous and silly. and in the end brian fell asleep across my bed. so i had to move his ass over so i could sleep. it wasn't until the wee hours of the morn that he finally got under the covers. still fully clothed with his cell fone, camera, wallet, etc all in his pants pockets. haha silly boy. as i always say, brian and i are never gonna hook up. it's not meant to be whether everyone wants us to or not. i mean surely i think there are times when one of us prolly wants to hook up with the other, but then for some reason it doesn't happen. usually cuz one is too drunk or one is not drunk at all. anyway, noah comes back to LA today and i can't decide if i should call him or just wait for him to call. i don't know what time he gets back so i'm thinking i might call tonight at like 9pm or else tomorrow midday. can't decide. i'll play it by ear.

what a fitting yet anti-climatic and crappy ending to kyle's visit. we decided to go out with a bang and drink last night. drink a LOT. it didn't sit so well tho. sad sad. basically i took him out to hollywood and we went to the beauty bar. star shoes was totally dead at the time so we just stayed at the beauty bar cuz it was really poppin. like there were a serious amount of people there. kelly osborne was there! haha it was super packed. some former vagrant people were there. nice people so i didn't have beef. kyle got a bit drunk there but i had to drive. so we decided we'd drink there til about midnight then come back over here and park the car and walk to the bar on fairfax. it's this small irish pub. not bad but not happenin. but we didn't care. we each drank a fair amount there and when we walked home we were sufficiently intoxicated. i had to play catch up which i did in france on the trip i met kyle on. and that night ended up being one of my worst drinking nights ever. and last night wasn't THAT bad but i definitely didn't think i was as drunk as i was. when i got home i ate my leftovers and went upstairs to pee. then i laid down to sleep and the room was spinning. and that did me in. puking in the toilet. in the garbage can. everything. kyle came upstairs and helped me. but it was shitty. we woke up to the alarm at 6:30am and i felt like hell. sorta how i felt when i was stoned going to amsterdam last summer. it's just that crappy feeling that u wanna puke and stuff and u know u should be sleeping it off but u can't cuz u gotta do stuff. we were supposed to leave the house at 7am but we didn't get out til 8am. kyle drove while i tried to contain myself but it was bad cuz i was puking up the water i was drinking basically. i needed crackers badly. we got to the airport and the police checked my car. i guess we looked suspicious since we looked like death. haha it was sad to say goodbye to kyle cuz i felt like he was such a part of my life for this past week. he never has been a part of my daily life and it actually sorta felt like he was. it sorta felt like i had this live-in platonic bf. it was strange yet nice. comforting. he and i get along incredibly well. we have the same humor about things and like a lot of the same things. he's more environmental than me but i guess that's really the only big difference. after seeing him this past week and it just being us two most of the time, i really remembered why it was that i started liking him 4.5 years ago when we met. sure he's not my physical type. but i don't care. i didn't care. he's a really great guy and the fact that we get along so well is good enough for me. so it is indeed sad to see him go. cuz i don't know the next time i get to see him again. it could be years! our goodbye was shitty too cuz we were so out of it. but i have lots of photos from the time he was here, including the one below of us from the photo booth. good tmes indeed.

tonight is emily's birthday thing but i can't drink cuz i can't think about liquor right now. no sir. throwing up stomach lining is enough to not want to drink for at least a day or two. but it should be fun tonight at any rate. at least i hope! tomorrow noah comes back to LA and i'm not sure if i should call him right away cuz i don't want to sound so antsy and all. so we shall see. oh and i got a text message from good ole john last night. we haven't spoke in about a week i think. cuz i called him the night i was driving to pick up kyle cuz i was bored on the road and needed to call people. and he called me back later that night at like 4am. we haven't spoke since and i seriously wondered if he just sorta forgot about me and didn't really give a shit. but then i got this fucking text message from him at 5:32am which i read when i woke up puking. fun fun. and guess what it said. "i kinda miss you." wtf? he *kinda* misses me? what a way to spoil what could be a nice message. god fucking hell. whatever. i texted back saying "aww...that's 'kinda' sweet. call me if u want. i don't bite." he hasn't called. i don't care. i totally got over it all during the break. all these distractions helped me sorta forget about him. i mean of course i didn't forget about him but i thought about him way less. anyway, i'll deal with that if need be. until then it's figuring out what to do about noah. but more realisitically, just waiting til i feel like calling at the spur of the moment.

in your eyes
-peter gabriel

love i get so lost, sometimes
days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
when i want to run away
i drive off in my car
but whichever way i go
i come back to the place you are

all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
i reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
i am complete
in your eyes
i see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
i see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, i want to be that complete
i want to touch the light
the heat i see in your eyes

love, i don't like to see so much pain
so much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away
i get so tired of working so hard for our survival
i look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive

and all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
i reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
i am complete
in your eyes
i see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
i see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, i want to be that complete
i want to touch the light,
the heat i see in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes

kyle and i watched say anything last night while drinking cranberry vodkas. haha i am in love with the boombox scene. that's why i posted this photo of it and the lyrics to the song he was playing during the scene. gotta love john cusack. =) before that, kyle and i went bowling by ourselves. it was fun and fast. he won the first game. 110 - 102. second game i kicked ass. 4 strikes! i got a 135. i forgot what he got. it was over 100. we also went to the getty during the day which was fun. i ran into this kid julien from AI. that guy always cracks me up. i want to be his friend but i don't want to sound like i want a date or whatever. like if i ask for his number. but he's just funny and i think he'd be a good friend to have. oh well. we'll see.

today kyle and i are off to usc again and griffith park. then some last minute bar hopping since he leaves tomorrow morning. bright and early. eeesh! oh and we are gonna visit joey and his soon to be wife at virgin tonight. i gotta see this chick. i gotta see the mistake he is making. dear me!! i tried to talk sense into him last night when he called. i doubt it worked. oh well.

yet another big chunk of blogging. not quite as big this time. kyle is frying up some tofu so i'll type for a bit. let's see. last i left off, it was sunday afternoon. let's see. that day we went downtown. i showed him the disney concert hall and other various downtown treats. gotta love downtown LA on a sunday. it's dead like a ghost town. after that what did we do? god i can't remember. oh well. it's all a blur. we were gonna go out drinking but we weren't in the mood so we rented the shape of things. a film by neil labute who also did in the company of men and your friends and neighbors. the movie was hard to watch as his movies always are. that sorta shit is what makes me skeptical about all relationships. i won't say anymore. watch it for yourself.

yesterday we went out looking for cupcakes for emily's bday. me, kyle, and adam. good times. then kyle and i went to chanos for lunch. followed by a trip to usc. i was going to show him the campus and pick up some rose bowl memorbilia. but the stuff won't be in til thursday. so i didn't show him the campus and we just left. we drove up to hollywood so he could snap a pic of the hollywood sign. then we drove up to mulholland drive for some lovely scenic photos. i now know how mulholland can kill some folks. imagine a dark, windy road on a hill. as long as people don't zoom around corners it's fine i guess. u can get some amazing views of the city tho. so it was cool. then we went to the cheesy hollywood stores so kyle could get this cheesy gifts that his brother and friend wanted. then we wished emily a happy birthday and got the pirates of the carribbean dvd from brian so we could watch it. it was alright. johnny depp rocked. but the movie was just alright.

today we headed out to westwood to walk around and check out the botanical gardens at ucla. but they were closed cuz they were working on them. so we just walked around. the sun wasn't shining that much so we didn't go to the getty cuz i want to take him there when the sun it out and u can get nice photos. so perhaps tomorrow. the rest of the day was lazy. watched the rest of the second season of the office which is painful. the last two episodes are good but not. and the end of the final episode actually brought a tear to my eye! yea, i feel for the characters THAT much. haha we also went to see big fish which i have seen already but saw again cuz kyle wanted to see it. it hasn't come out in georgia yet. so i figured it would be nice if he could see it out here in the nice grove theater. i had the cheap tickets from usc so we weren't really out any money. at least it didn't feel that way. and i guess that's it. all caught up. lacking any good details. i'll sum up my thoughts on kyle's visit later once he's gone. right now i'm just recording the actions. good times so far. when he leaves it will feel weird. but i'll get to that later.

ok. let's see. time for a little blogging while kyle is in the shower. yes, kyle not kyla. ok so new year's eve, like i said, was one drunken mess. i didn't puke but brian did and i helped him a bit with that. at least it happened after midnight. at the stroke of midnight, dan was my new year's kiss. he claimed me earlier in the night. i followed that with a kiss from brian. all night dan was trying to unzip the zippers on my outfit since i had a bunch. i danced with his roommate eric a bit. me and rick danced sitting on the couch and shared a great moment. kyla and i took shots together with others joining in. michael brought this british chick that he met at the bar and she ended up making out with skatebot josh. admitedly, i totally wanted to get with brian. i guess that's not unusual. and everyone else wants me to get with him too. i heard the words, "they need to just fuck already" as i was sitting there with him while he was puking. apparently my legs were really soft and adam was touching them a lot. and then he got others to touch them. we all passed out in jessica's room and she was puking during the night apparently. dwayne was arguing with someone about lost in translation which he said sucked but i loved so much i actually got out of bed to argue with him. haha

in the morning of the 1st of this glorious new year, i woke up several times. just trying to go to bed i had trouble. my heart was pounding really hard. all because brian was next to me of course. haha j/k the hangover in the morning was atrocious. brian woke up to find his shirt off. dom puked. kyla and i left to go home and get ready for the rose bowl. we bitched a lot but we made it. i lost the rock, paper, scissors so i had to drive there. that was a bitch. parking was a bitch. we got to our seats only to find we were 1 row from the endzone. the michigan endzone!! and we were RIGHT next to the band. the michigan band!!! so of course we got ragged on in the beginning. but near half time no one really said anything cuz usc was winning. and then in the end, our victory was just THAT much sweeter because we were in the michigan section. we were the only one clapping and screaming. it was fucking fantastic. well worth our $140 + $20 for parking + hangover woes. haha

we came back home and i had to jet off to the ontario airport to pick up kyle. the airport is 50 mi east of LA and really weird. but i finally got there. ridiculously tired and all. picked up a short-haired kyle (i've only ever seen him with longer hair) and we came back home. then kyla came back home and we all went over to dan's place and chilled. then came back here cuz we were all dead tired.

the next day (friday), kyla left at like 1pm to have lunch with dom and then drive back home. it was all rainy that day so i didn't want to do a whole hell of a lot. so me and kyle went to melrose cuz i wanted to show him that and cuz he wanted to get some shoes. noah called me while we were looking at shoes and so we chatted but it was a crappy convo cuz he was sick and i was all occupied. i felt bad so i just told him i should get off the fone. but he told me he's coming back on the 10th and implied we'll do something then or shortly after. so that's cool. i'm quite excited cuz i really want this to work out. noah seems like a good guy. and i need a good guy in my life. not that i don't have good guy friends. but u know. good guy to date. anyway, after melrose kyle and i came back here and had dinner at doughboys around 7. it was me, kyle, emily, dom, and brian. good times. good food. then later we all went to the roost. it was all of us at dinner, minus dom, plus dan, jessica, rick, adam, gabriel, and his gf sara. it was good times. the drinks there are cheaper than i thought. $4 cranberry and vodka that was way more vodka than cranberry. good drunken times. no one wanted to go to fred's after so we just came home. i was totally wasted. brian brought my xmas gift over and it was a pair of white chucks with the red and blue stripes. i think at some point i had told him that i would want those shoes if not for the fact that i already had black ones and couldn't justify buying them. so brian was definitely on the ball with his gift for me. i totally dig when people remember those tiny little things u say off-handedly and then turn that into some sort of gift idea later. it shows they are really paying attn. granted i would have preferred off-white but brian didn't know that cuz i'm pretty sure when i was making that off-handed remark i didn't say "off-white chucks." so yea. it's cool. these will get dirty quick and become off white really fast. haha me and kyle didn't sleep right away cuz we were so drunk. we played lots of various cds and i guess finally passed out cuz i don't remember them ending.

the next day (yesterday - saturday), it was all nice and sunny when we woke up. so that meant i should take him to the beach. so we went to venice beach and walked around that whole area. then we went to santa monica. he got his shoes (for free!!! they fucked up) at urban outfitters. then we went on the pier and took photobooth photos. woo! so fun. i gotta drag more people out there so i can get a collection of photos. after that we went to bossa nova for dinner. then we came home and were gonna go out to the bars in hollywood. but then kyle got sick from the food cuz he's sorta lactose intolerant but usually can handle most stuff. but he couldn't handle the cheese in this sandwich and so we stayed in. both of us sorta kept falling asleep off and on. and that brings us to now. we just woke up and he's in the shower. and now i'm all caught up with this badboy. woo!

what happens when u stick a bunch of horny drunk 20-somethings in an apartment for one night? a lot of debauchery. yes yes. last night was quite interesting. and more will follow later. for now, me and ky are getting ready to go to the rose bowl. oh good lord. i seriously hope it's worth the $140 tickets and hangover i must deal with.