i just dropped half my noodles down the fucking drain.

happy fucking leap year

last night i was having a good time. it was one of those last minute run out the door situations. me and rick meeting up with folks to go to a bar. we were supposed to go to star shoes but it was too empty so we went to the well. i don't care for that bar too much cuz the crowd is slightly older but whatever. we had a good time and the girls were checking out "hair guy" who at the end of the nite i found out his name was rob. we started talking. nothing happened. but i left the bar feeling good. it was a good nite overall. and then...right before i got home. rick and i were driving down highland when i heard a loud car go by. it was noah! he has a distinct car with personalized plates. so no mistaking. it was him. i figured he was either going to his friend's place (the one who lives right by me) or taking her home. and rick even said there was someone in the passenger's seat. i had deleted him from my fone so i couldn't say anything. but then as we got to the corner to turn i got a clear view of the passenger. it was NOT his friend. it was some blonde chick i've never seen before. and he admits he doesn't have lots of friends. so i'm gonna assume he was on a fucking date. mr.-i-can't-date-anyone-right-now. FUCK THAT!!!! total load of bullshit. u just don't want to date ME. that's all. save all your bullshit excuses and how attracted you are to me and all that load of crap. cuz it's all bullshit. i hate him. i hate men. and let's say i'm wrong. jumping to conclusions. and that it wasn't a date. it still doesn't take away the fact that whenever i ask him to do things he never does them. and he never asks me to do things either. mr.-i-really-still-want-to-be-friends-with-you. BULLSHIT. i was the only one trying to be friends. i fucking hate men. a bunch of lying bastards. (yea i know i'll get flack for this from my guy friends who are actually nice and aren't bastards and will bitch about how women are just as bad. but i don't care. i'm really pissed off and angry. give me my moment to rant. cuz this one stings. A LOT.) i hope that for the remaining weeks of this quarter i get to class after noah so i can just sit down far away from him and not have to talk to him. cuz i have no desire. i wish we didn't have class together so he could just be out of my life. but no. so i'll deal with seeing him in class but i don't have to talk to him. he'll get the hint really fast. really fucking fast. and then if it's true that he did want to be my friend and did think i was cool and blah blah blah, then maybe he'll start acting like a friend and step it up a notch. but i don't even know if i want that. cuz really, when i think about him right now, all that comes to mind are nasty thoughts.

my night was just ruined. ruined in the last 5 minutes. i fucking hate men.

last nite was amusing. brian, his visiting friend madeline, dan, eric, justin, emily, adam, jessica, and i all went to the roost. i have to say that i like that bar cuz the drinks are cheap, the music isn't too loud, and it's not too dark. the people there are usually fairly attractive. but they are very clichy. i don't like that. but whatever. we got there too late to get a booth right away so we had to wait it out. finally we got part of a booth but only me, emily, and jessica were sitting there. the rest were at the bar for the remainder of the night except for dan who came to join us a few times.

emily got really drunk and decided to ask the cute guy who jessica and i were eying whether or not his mustache was a joke. cuz jessica and i were convinced that he would be attractive without it and that he must be doing it for comical effect. being that emily was well intoxicated she went to the booth next to us and asked. and the guy found it so amusing. so when he and his friends were leaving he came over to our table and talked to us about his stache and how he was going to be getting a perm today. bad idea in my eyes but whatever. that provided some entertainment.

later it was just me and jessica at the booth and i new that was just asking for trouble. cuz it was winding down and not too many people were left in the bar. it's like the end of a dance and two girls are dancing together. it's totally inviting for some guys to come on over. and that's what happened. adam and nick joined our table. they knew other people were sitting there before cuz they mentioned it yet they sat down anyway. without asking. their opening line was, "i'm not really interesting but i'm going to sit here and talk to you anyway." something like that. don't try and take the backhanded approach. don't tell us upfront that u aren't interesting!! why would we want to talk to u then? then when they learned our names, they said that jessica was their favorite name. yet when they left they couldn't remember her name! haha sad. emily didn't help cuz when she came back she was so drunk she just egged them on. and when she left the table again she didn't go get help from our friends for us!! i had been looking over at them and also at the door and making faces and nick even called me on it. but they still sat there. and they would say things like, "yea we know u don't want us here. we're assholes." stuff like that. i dunno. i think if they were hot they could have gotten away with it. but they weren't. anyway, it was amusing but still. so the night was good overall. at least i got out of the house.

i stopped my experiment too. my experiment was basically to see how many people would contact me to either chat or do something. i stayed away from AIM so that they couldn't use that as a crutch. they would actually have to make some effort. i started this last saturday. only joey called me that night. he wanted to go out on thursday. so i tentatively agreed to it. then sunday, monday, and tuesday, none of my friends called. only website people and my parents. wednesday kyla, shaun, and website people called. shaun just wanted lo's number and kyla actually called to talk. thursday joey called to cancel and one website guy called. then yesterday john called for class stuff and brian called to ask me to go out.

so from this i realized that for the most part i have to be the one to call people to see how they are doing and ask them to do things. and even then they don't always wanna do them. which i said before is a pet peeve of mine to ask over and over and always get denied. hence the reason i deleted noah's number from my fone. cuz i'm just sick of trying with him. i ask him to do stuff and he never goes. and he never asks me. so what's the point? it's not fun to always get denied. so might as well not even have his fone number. i've told me people this and they all say, "aww i liked noah." well i did too but fuck that! haha anyway, i'll resume using AIM and calling people but still. i'll remember. so yea. if u thought i was MIA and all that jazz (that's presuming u even noticed my absence in your life), now you know why. and i have been keeping myself busy too. so don't worry. i wasn't sitting twiddling my thumbs for a whole week. haha

i forgot to mention how not last night but the night before i had this really weird dream where i was watching tv and this woman was shot right in the stomach. she died and the family felt really sad. and i felt sad for the characters. but then it's like my role switched and i was in the show. or the show became my reality. so then i felt even worse. much much worse. and right before i woke up i think i caught myself talking in my sleep. i think i've done that before. it's weird. and then when i woke up i felt really sad. it was strange. very very strange. then this morning i had a dream where this woman's head got taken over by some insane bacteria thing and she had this weird ass growth on her forehead. like her head was swelling and becoming a sea creature. it creeped me out. i don't what's up with these weird ass dreams. oh well.

today john called me right before class but i missed it cuz i was driving. so when i got to class i checked it and i'm not really sure what it was about. but then the teacher came into class and i mentioned that and he said that john was going to be dropped from the class cuz he missed too many days. school policy. and then john walked in like 2 minutes later and the teacher told him that he was going to be dropped due to school policy. i sat there right next to john not looking at him but feeling really bad for some reason. i have no reason to feel that way yet i did. and i felt uneasy sitting there and not looking at him. it was weird. i felt weird for feeling weird if that makes any sense. i don't feel sorry for him cuz it's his own damned fault. but yet i felt weird just sitting there watching it all. anyway, i got this container for all my photo supplies and it makes me happy looking at how well all the stuff fits in there. it's like the perfect size. has a little handle to carry it. and it was only like $4. so yea. it's the little things that make me happy i guess. haha

i just spent like $150 on photo supplies for my class! not to mention the book is like $40 used. gah!! nearly $200 already and that's without the rest of the paper i'll need to buy down the line. luckily that's about it in terms of expenses. that and more film. anyway, i'm excited. i can't wait to start shooting!! i also hung out with this guy named johnny who i met online a little while back. he seems cool. looks sorta mean at first but he's totally not. he's like my height and weighs less than me!! it's the tattoos and shaved head that make him more intimidating. anyway, we went to the pacific design center to look at the annie leibovitz exhibit and then got lunch on melrose. the exhibit was nicely displayed i must say. not a lot of prints tho. we weren't there that long. he's into photography. he's putting together his portfolio. i wanna see more of his work. anyway, that's about it. i gotta do more hw due tomorrow. bleh.

isn't chris martin from coldplay adorable? god i wanna eat him up. he's british. he's got an amazing voice and super talented. and he's cute! =)

oh yea. since i was so tired today i went to the coffee bean and got a triple small lowfat no whip mocha. and it didn't even taste like coffee!! i think i'm ruined. i drink espresso so often when i drink coffee that anything else tastes weak. haha sad sad sad.

it's rainy and my feet are all wet cuz i stepped in a HUGE puddle. oh well. i registered today and got all my classes. i was dead tired this morning tho. we went on a field trip to this weird musuem for image class. and now i'm here. drying myself off. at least i got home early and got a spot right out front. some saving grace to this relatively shitty day.

i have been working on THOSE two images all fucking day. well, not really. i finished most of the bottom one all night. but fuck, that means i've been basically working on the top image all day. and it's shitty. i mean it's not shitty but it's not as good as the bottom one. and the thing is, i tried so many different colors and designs and i hated them ALL. basically our teacher told us we had to make two opposite images. we had to use the faces he provided us and then anything else we wanted as long as it was ours. we had to use 3 textures on each image. my top image is supposed to represent: peaceful, calm, in love and my bottom one is supposed to represent: anger, disruption, end of love. that's why the top image is slightly blurry, sorta same colors, with a heart. (and u can't see the textures really cuz the jpgs are compressed as all hell) the bottom image is all jarring colors and edgey with a dead rose hanging. anyway, i'm done. i don't care anymore. i tried my best and if it doesn't get a decent grade then so be it. the parameters were shitty. the faces we had to work with weren't at the right angles i wanted and all this crap. and of course the prints look worse cuz they are in CMYK and i made them in RGB cuz that's the only way to run lighting effects and get textures. so in the prints there's way more magenta hues than i wanted. i tried to fix it after converting it all but it just can't seem to produce the right tones. ugh! anyway, i'm done. now i gotta do 50 thumbnails for type class. that oughta be exciting! (sarcasm)

how the fuck can i make something look peaceful with textures? i'm stuck!!!!! i don't know what to do. i got one image done but i can't get the opposing one. god this blows. we have to use these ugly people and textures and i can't think of a way to make textures look peaceful. textures are jarring. ugh!!! at least i have all this good new music to listen to thanks to james. =)

it's 3:15am and i am still awake. trying to get some substantial work done on this photoshop project due wednesday. it's coming along slowly. but i do know a few things. 1) the curves tool is awesome for really fucking with colors and get some super high contasts, 2) i really dig the yeah yeah yeahs, 3) the new walkmen album reminds me of wilco and i like it. i'll stay up a bit longer and then hit the hay. creativity begins to die around 4am. at least for me.

i just got home and i'm starving. i now see that monday's are going to be difficult. surely wednesdays go just about as long but it's different cuz the classes are all on the same campus. so i don't really have to make too much effort. but now i have to go to SMC and find parking and all that crap. and we don't really get a break during that whole time cuz we need all the time we can get in the lab to print our work. oh well. the class seems exciting. i'm anxious to start although it all seems to foreign. but soon enough it'll make sense. i can't wait!!! there is one guy who was in my summer photo 1 class. the only familar face. and then of course there's the requisite annoying person. this time it's this older woman with clear braces who didn't pay her dues on time so she got dropped from the class. luckily our teacher is uber nice and added all the people who weren't in the class. but they have to share enlargers cuz there aren't enough. anyway, i'm excited. this class is going to be expensive but i think i'll learn a lot. i'll learn how to take good black and white photos and just how to take good photos in general. and of course how to print. i can't wait!

i'm really going to have to figure out a better way to spend this free time i have btwn my AI class and my SMC class. cuz it's like 2 hours and i know i have to eat and i have to drive to SMC but it doesn't take THAT long. but yet i still don't know how long it will take. and also finding parking is going to be a bitch. so that's something to consider. i'll take these next few weeks to hammer that all out. then i'll know precisely when to leave. the other problem is that once the new quarter at AI starts, but classes are different and i'll have to figure it out all over again! oh well. whatever. class is over and i'm killing time. i got some stuff on the page for class so that was good. at least i didn't have a total brain fart. gotta streamline the design still cuz it's not quite right. but at least i have a start. cuz at first i was dying thinking i wouldn't come up with anything!

john never came to class and i think that's the 3rd class in a row he's missed. plus some others. i think our teacher is gonna drop him. oh well. too bad for him. this other girl came in ridiculously late as usual and the teacher didn't even acknowledge her presence! he might drop her too. i dunno. our class is getting smaller and smaller it seems. it's down to like 5 people who come regularly. how sad is that?

wow. i'm having a huge creative block right now. it sucks ass. everything i throw on the page looks crappy and cluttered. ugh! i have a lot of work to do on this photoshop project for my other class which i haven't really started on. at least i have a theme. or i think i do. this room is always so fucking hot. maybe that's why half the class doesn't show up! haha no it's cuz they are retard slackers who don't give a shit about school. and granted if u are a good designer then school doesn't really matter in theory. but if your work ethic is a piece of shit, u won't go far even if u are the best designer in the world.

today wasn't terribly productive for me i must say. yet i feel good. i don't feel like i wasted my day even if i did. tomorrow i start my photography class which i am thoroughly excited about cuz it will force me back into shooting which i need to do. yet another way to keep myself busy. the cinematographer guy liked the way i made the site overall. of course there are definitely some things to iron out and fix but considering it was a "rough draft" site, it wasn't a bad response. so i'm glad. he's happy and i'm happy. i'll hammer this site out probably by the end of the week and then hopefully get paid. we didn't discuss how much he'd pay me but i hope it's a decent amount. i'm sure it will be fair. he is a really fair and easygoing guy. i have to decide if i want to do some hw now or just cram it all in on tomorrow nite and all day tuesday. i think i'll get started a bit and go from there.

i think that my weird dreams have something to do with sleeping with my fleece blanket and sleeping on the other side of the bed. cuz i swear, i had weird dreams last nite too! and i woke up biting my tongue. omg it hurt like a muthafucka. ugh. maybe i will have to go back to wearing my mouthguard. bleh. today isn't so dreary. maybe i'll actually do something since yesterday me and emily just sat and talked for hours and hours and never went anywhere. haha

i'm conducting an experiment. wanna help me?

i've been having the weirdest fucking dreams it seems. i can't quite remember them but when i wake up, for that brief moment i recall the insanity and fall back asleep. and i seem to be having lots of dreams during the course of the night. if only i was in tibet again. i'd remember them all! when i full wake up, all i can remember is the sense that i had a lot of dreams and they were all weird and had people in them that i know. i wish i could remember. oh well. anyway, the part last nite was eh. we didn't meet anyone. we just talked with ourselves. which was ok i guess. but i had more energy than that. so when i came home i still wanted to do stuff. so rick and i went out to swingers. that was fun. it was crowded and i saw this one guy that i met before with josh. he totally didn't remember me of course. which is fine. but he's definitely one of the regulars there. he's this like mid-thirties rocker type with long hair and isn't attractive yet he fucks a lot of girls. but he has really nice, straight, white teeth. haha it's so funny. i think his name is marty or morty or something. i can't recall. anyway, i dunno what i'll do today. it's all rainy and i want to do something but i don't know what.

alright. so social pet peeve #1 was what i stated in a previous entry. when u call someone and leave a mesage and they don't call you back. or IM you back. or see u in person and acknowledge the message. when basically they don't ever respond in anyway to your message. i HATE that. and now i will share social pet peeve #2. when u ask someone to do stuff over and over and they never go. (the guy from friendster does not count cuz we aren't actual friends.) it's like, why don't u just tell me u never want to do anything with me/us? cuz i'll stop calling u. altho either way, if u keep denying me, i'll stop calling that way too. cuz i'll just give up. give up on the friendship. i used to ask john to do stuff with me all the time and he never did. except the occasional movie. that was it. that's why most people never met him. cuz he never went anywhere with me. that was what basically brokedown everything. the reason i just got totally fed up and decided to stop seeing him. anyway, i'm sure i have other social pet peeves that i can't think of. but there are two for ya. so if u wanna find a real easy way to lose me as a friend, do those things. i'll give up after awhile. seriously, i will.

well it looks like we're rolling out to shaun's party tonight. should be fun. i think we'll have a decent crowd representing. and that guy i met on friendster who i met at bang! too is going to go i think. cuz i was telling him about it online. and it makes sense cuz he's a muscian and this is a muscian thing too. so he should get along with these people. it will be a little awkward but whatever. i feel bad cuz i always reject his offers to do stuff so i finally just offered this up. this should appease him. haha anyway, class was super short today which was awesome. i got my midterm grades online and i've got 3 A's and an A-. so that's cool. i'm doing well in school. it's cuz i actually care. go figure. haha i hope tonight is fun. i need a good fun nite. i should think of something fun to wear.

i don't have class til 2pm today. which is sorta rad except that i'm sorta in this limbo stage of what to do. sorta just pissing the morning away. it's not enough time to do anything productive yet too much time to just get up and get ready. i wonder what i'll do tonight. anyone wanna see the dreamers with me? i asked noah the other day but he didn't seem too interested. he said he'd go but i don't wanna go with someone who doesn't want to go. and i don't even really wanna go with him. i sorta wish we didn't have class together. cuz then i could just forget about him. once this quarter is over i won't see john anymore either. so then i can forget about him too. cuz as of late he's been popping up in my dreams too much. we can't be having that. no sir. time to shower.

wow. i just finished version 1 of the cinematographer's website. looks decent. still needs some work but it's definitely on it's way considering i only spent tonight working on it. go me! at least i have these things to occupy my time since it seems like one by one the people around me are going to find significant others while i am still hopelessly single. it's sad really. =( i don't wanna try anymore. why do i have to keep trying? can't it just happen? gah. of course not. men suck. i wanna see the dreamers. can i be a dreamer? daysleeper? gravity is calling me. la la la. i'm listening to REM. go REM! my eyes are tired and my right shoulder blade is killing me. i'm gonna give the president's club at school a shot since it'll look good on my resume and it'll get me an automatic rec from the president of the school basically. if need be that is. might as well do it. even if it takes a bit of time, it's not like i have anything else going on aside from school and these web projects. might as well busy myself to help me forget how fucking single i am. gah. i hate bitching. cuz i hate hearing others bitch. yet i do it anyway. oh well. whatever. i gotta sleep. i'm fucking tired. good luck to everyone who has dates. may u all leave me in the dust...

last nite i had a really strange dream. it went on for a long time too it seemed. i don't really remember a lot of it but i know that the jist of it was me and my parents were going on vacation to asia and john (!!!) was coming with us. it was the most bizarre thing ever. we weren't even dating!! but he was coming. and i don't think i was too pleased about it. and i called up noah to hang out with him one last time before i went on vacation. i wanted to ask him to do something but i couldn't get the words out. we were talking and i turned to him to speak and our lips ended up touching. we acted like nothing happened. i can't remember anything else really. but it was so strange. when i woke up i was all disoriented.

all resolved. well sorta. i mean. hashed out. concluded. etc. i feel better. i think my brain was having a mental glitch. i mean not that i was totally all crazy and offbase. let's not get me wrong here. haha i was just not thinking practically. that's all. i need to be grounded sometimes. i wonder when is the next time i'll have a really good kiss. hmm...i feel like a bum today. even tho i was decently productive. i look like shit. feel sorta bleh. talked to this kid julian from my school for a long time tonight. he's a funny bastard that guy. cracks me up. we'll need to hang out sometime. indeed.

i slept on it. woke up. thought i came to my senses. didn't. did some busy work for a website i will be making. basically made a new friend over at this editing place. went to school to pre-register for classes and change my major. came home. came to my senses. and now here i am. foot's asleep and i think i have water in my ear. go figure.

ok so just in this brief amount of time that i have been chatting with dan about stuff, i realize that to some degree i am definitely being hasty with my thoughts. not that they aren't valid thoughts. but my mind is sorta just racing. thinking a bunch of different things. so before i go being a blabbermouth, i should make sure that i am even blabbing what i actually truely think and feel. cuz i know i'm all wonky and all over the place. gah. i hate the way my mind works.

i am very upset with myself for thinking the things i do. surely i can't really control it. but in a way i can. and i wonder if it's just me being retarded. making things more difficult than they need to be. good lord. what horrible timing!! i was talking to everyone in the house tonight about it and i think it just made it worse! that was a bad idea. what was i thinking? i'm being silly. i'll get over it. i have before. just give me a moment. or two...

well, brian's bbq was fun and it definitely lifted my spirits since i was having a really shitty morning/early afternoon. prolly cuz i didn't get enough sleep. but whatever. the bbq was good. noah didn't go as i suspected. which didn't bother me at all. and we've actually spoken on the fone like 3 times since or something. sorta overkill. i'm just like blah about him honestly. like i just don't care anymore. prolly cuz i know he doesn't care. so why should i even bother with trying to do stuff with him. it's useless. on a related note, brian it out on a date right now. and i have to say that he's been on quite a roll with the ladies and sooner or later (maybe even this girl), he's going to find a match. cuz after all, he's a great catch. and that day will sadden me just slightly. cuz i won't get to see him as much. it's a cold hard fact. when i was dating john i didn't see brian as much and it sucked. so yea. i'll be a little jealous. and yes i know he reads this and i don't care. cuz i'm sure he would know that anyway. so yea. i would say that the solution to this situation would be for me to go out and keep looking for guys. but i just don't have the will to do that. like i said time and time again. i'm sick of dating. and thusly i will be single. bleh. it's ok. i'm getitng used to it already. and at least i get more space in the bed! haha

did i just say i wouldn't invite noah? so why of course did i run into him at the accounting office? i swear. i never see that boy outside of class and now i do. sheesh. always the case. i invited him. we'll see if he goes. i'm so tired. i can't think creatively. my brain is mush. haha oh well. back to work.

i'm ridiculously tired. this room is really hot. and my bra is bothering me like no other. it's just a jumble of discomfort on this fine monday morning. and of course cuz my school is retarded, i didn't get today off like the rest of the country. i got friday off. a lot of good that did. now i have to rush over to brian's bbq and everything. oh well. whatever. i was going to invite noah cuz i think i actually did the other day on the phone while i was drunk, but now i don't want to cuz i don't really care anymore. i'm sorta over him already. plus he never called me back yesterday. and as i ranted in my previous post, that's one of my biggest pet peeves. anyway, i hope we get out of class early cuz i think i'm going to fall asleep if i stare at this screen for 4 hours. haha

one of my biggest pet peeves is people who don't call you back. it's one thing if you leave a message that says not to call back. or if they couldn't call back because x,y,z happened and prevented them from doing so. but when you know that they just didn't bother to call back after you left a message and everything, that's what fucking pisses me off. i hate that. and if you do that to me enough times, i really just won't talk to you anymore. cuz there's no point. at least in my book. because not calling back indicates a lack of respect. a lack of caring. and i'll be damned if i have time for someone like that. so if u wanna get on my bad side, don't return my calls. i'll probably begin to hate you for it and you're realize it sooner or later.

wow. i feel all tired and groggy. i think it's a combination of not getting enough good sleep and drinking too much. i sorta got used to not sleeping with anyone again so i need like the whole bed to get a good night's rest. how sad is that? shows that i've definitely gotten used to being single. haha i met with this guy today and i'm going to make a site for his photography. so now i have two sites to make. i'm gonna be a busy. that's cool. i gotta finish up my tshirt design and iron that shit on. i can't seem to come up with anything i like. it sucks! she won't let me do what i want to do!! gah. this shit has to be on a tshirt that i have to wear. i want it to look good. gah.

my platonic vday date with brian last nite turned out to be not as platonic as one would expect. altho everyone else probably saw it coming. and i wasn't too surprised myself. at least now people can get off our backs. or i guess so. maybe not. haha anyway, it was fun. fondu was great even if the waiter was a dick. we didn't finish lost in translation cuz i thought i was going to puke from all the wine. and i did puke. just a bit. it made me feel better. and i can't believe i didn't finish my bottle of wine. man have i gone soft in my old age. haha anyway, good nite all around. even if i didn't have a true valentine. =) thanks brian!

john just sent me a text message to wish me a happy valentine's day. that was nice. surely i do bitch about him a lot but it was a nice gesture. better than some other people who didn't say anything at all. but still kyla takes the cake with the card. cuz it's just so damned cute. =) i miss her being around. we talk regularly and all but it's just not the same. *sigh* almost time for me and brian to go out for fondu dessert and start our platonic date. i should get ready.

i'm so fucking tired right now that i don't know if i can make it through the rest of this day.

ok so i had to post this. i got it from this site and all the cards rock. this was just my fave. if only i had someone to send it to. *sigh*

happy valentine's day

yet another vday down the drain. as in, no one to be my real valentine. surely me and brian are going to make a great day of it all. it's practically like a real date. but still. we both know it's not the same. it's ok i guess. it's just a bit disappointing for the both of us. kyla sent me this cute vday card with red fur fringe. it's great! =) i have a slight hangover. i think it's from the shots i took last nite. the parties sucked so much ass. it was too weird to be back at a college party. i wasn't into it at all. we'll never do this again. at least i won't. anyway, to all the single folk out there: we ROCK! =) surely we are single but that just means we have more potential than everyone else. we have nothing hanging over our heads and the year is young. plenty of time to find someone new. i of course won't be looking anywhere cuz i don't feel like it. but that won't last an entire year! haha and i can't help but keep kicking myself for being such a retard with will. good lord i was stupid. it's just another case of bad timing. oh well. i can't think about it. even tho it does loom over my head as a reminder of how my karma is always bad because of things like that. =/

oh yea. if anyone out there has a crush on me and is hiding it, today's the day to let that go. send me an email or call me or whatever. i'll really appreciate that a lot. =)

it's friday the 13th and something crazy/good better happen. =P

it looks like we are gonna be partying it up SC style tonight. we know of a bunch of parties and we are down for a throwback night. it's gonna be so strange. partying with people younger than ourselves. being the "older" people at the party. for sure i won't find anyone tonight. all these young guys who want nothing but some casual sex. fuck that. i may want a fuck friend but i don't want a one night stand. that's just not an option. anyway, should be interesting. i'm excited. plus i'm gonna be making this cinematographer's website once he gets his reel converted. so that will be some cash coming in. and i'm meeting with this photographer guy on sunday to maybe make him a website too. so that's rad. woo! i have too much energyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!

tonight has been so weird. totally not what i expected. i figured i'd just mind my own business and work on web stuff. but then john called and barged in. weirded it all up. then i talked to noah and felt strange ranting to him about john. then i talked to brian to get the rest of my rant out. then i caught will online finally. who apparently wanted to date me really badly but just never let on how badly. and i was a total retard. goddamn was i retarded. he said he bikes by my place a lot and looks at my window thinking he should stop by but never does. so i told him he should. i hope he does. he's a nice guy. then josh was like, "let's go get coffee and dessert. my treat." so i went with him to fred's. he told me all about these producers who want to do a documentary type reality show thing on his band. it's fucking insane what they want to do. if they get funding the josh that i now know will no longer exist. cuz i'll never see him again cuz he'll be all famous and shit. =( but it would rock if it worked out. i could be their merch girl. i'd totally do that shit for one tour's worth. i'm down to ride across the country with a band. if it all happened before i got a real job i'd totally do it. oh and we discussed what our kid would look like if we had one. i said that it would look very native american since people think i look that way and he has like an 1/8 in him. and i can see it. anyway, now i'm home. it's 4am and i just conversed with a shitload of boys from different parts of my life. it's all so strange and weird. so i think i need to sleep now.

i really just hate men. well no. i don't hate men. but they sure do frazzle me. this is why i can't date for a long time. just to get it all out of my system. then i'll be ok with men and want to jump back into the game. haha bloody hell. bloody fucking hell.

on another note. my friend preston from england emailed me back. it's been ages since we wrote and i lost contact cuz his email didn't work. so i was excited to get an email from him. AND...will finally replied to me on AIM. cuz i thought he wasn't talking to me anymore. but we are chatting. woo! i totally fucked up with him. we would have made such a cute couple. i was just being retarded and in a weird place when i met him. gah. oh well. he's taken now. and together they look like a pop star couple. he sent me a photo. it's funny. and cute. anyway, yea. karma. fuckin karma!

gah. can anyone say awkward? good lord. john. he called me cuz he was at the el rey with william. so i went outside to talk to them and then he just sorta invited himself in. and when he got to my room the first thing he mentions is the pixelblock thing and how it was supposed to be for him and how cool it is. i think that really bothered him that i wouldn't give it to him. anyway, he was just being a weirdo about everything. it's too weird to be around him. once he left i called noah just because. and he was a bit intoxicated already so it wasn't a big deal. he took the conversation in stride. i'm sure he doesn't really wanna hear about my john issues but fuck it man. if we are going to be friends, then that's what he's going to have to deal with. cuz i bitch about john to my friends. that's how it goes. anyway, i found out that it only costs between $10 and $15 to go to hollywood in a cab! so that's awesome for the times when no one wants to drive. anyway, back to being boring and working on how to stream video for a website.

holy shitballs. i just got an email saying i got into the president's club at school!!! wtf? how could they have chosen me? i wrote my essay in magenta marker on transparency paper!! i thought for sure they'd think i was mocking them. this must be a mistake. i don't know if i want to be in this club. shitballs. shitballs. SHITBALLS!!!

it was so weird. i just was about to email noah and as i was writing the email my inbox went "ding!" and it was an email from him. so then i felt retarded about sending one so i just called him. haha anyway, me and emily are attempting to make rainbow layered jello. we just finished the red layer. we are hoping that if we use red, yellow, and blue the mix of the 3 will make up the orange and green in btwn. if not at least we'll have primary colored yellow. haha and that's a pretty good start.

midterms are over and i think i did alright. i officially decided to change my major to graphic design and all i need to do is get the paperwork signed. woo! i think it's a wise decision. people around me seem to think it makes more sense too. so yea. i think i'll be happier this way. wow. i just changed my major. i've never done that! haha anyway, i ran into this guy named julian who i met in my image manipulation class last quarter. he's really funny and i think he's rad. i would see him around here and there but i never knew how to broach the subject of hanging out and being friends cuz i was scared he would think i was interested. but today we were talking and he walked me to my class and asked how he could get in contact with me outside of school so we could hang out. so that was it. golden. we can be friends now. we exchanged numbers. so i'll try and hang out with him at some point. cuz i think he's neat. not my type physically but he's a nice guy. so it's cool.

and today i had class with noah and for some reason despite all the scruff, i was even more attracted to him today than usual. good god! it's just not fair. like even under the days and days worth of not shaving, he still manages to hook me in somehow. maybe cuz he seemed to be in a good mood. not that he isn't always. cuz he pretty much is it seems. but like better than usual. i dunno. it was just frustrating. yet not. it was strange. i didn't feel terribly frustrated. perhaps cuz i'm coming to terms with this whole stupid friendship thing. i dunno. bah! he said he might be moving with his friends to this apt in hollywood. and they have a hottub!! i told him he should have a party. that would rock. he said that was a good idea. i hope it happens. i wanna have a party here at our place. i'm gonna propose this idea to the roomies. see what they say. cuz i'm itching i tell ya. itchin!!

oh. so with vday coming up and me having no one special to celebrate with, brian and i have decided we shall celebrate together. we actually planned this a long time ago. we decided to be each other's backup dates. we solidified the plans the other nite. dessert fondu. then watching lost in translation over 2 bottles of 2 buck chuck. nice. it shall be good times despite our lack of romantic others. and on that note, some guy in my type class gave all the girls red roses. it was so strange. i don't even know the guy's name! oh well. it was a nice gesture in a sense and weird in another. oh well.

starsailor at amoeba was alright. the songs they sang were really good. it was just a really short set. that's all. the lead singer (from where i was standing at least) looked like a cross btwn ashton kutcher and woody harrelson. haha if u can imagine that. rick understood what i meant by that. anyway, the actor james duval was there. he's been in some really random movies -- totally f*cked up, the doom generation, nowhere, SLC punk!, go, and donnie darko. those are all the ones i've seen him in. he looks like keanu reeves sorta and i think that's why he'll never be famous. he's short too. oh well. whatever. we saw this guy from SC named john. he was in some of my classes and rick knew him from ultimate frisbee. i was acting really cold toward him. i realized it at the time and i sorta felt bad but then was just like, meh whatever. but i'm sure this will just add to my bad karma. blah.

oh and i had 2 weird dreams this morning. one i was very conscious of at the time. it had to do with some store we were all at. and adam's brother, gabriel was there. and he got fined for something SOOO stupid. but then the woman that worked there got the fine removed. but she said that in general the policy was this: if u are in the bathroom and someone walks in and sees u peeing, then u get fined. it was so weird and lame. and in the dream i was bitching cuz it didn't make any sense. if the door was broken and someone could see u pee, it's the company's fault. u shouldn't be fined! and if anyone should be fined, it should be the one who saw u peeing cuz they saw you naked-ish. not the other way around. but either way it made no sense and it just made me really angry when i woke up. the other dream had to do with john. it was weird. i won't discuss it tho. but it was weird. and i didn't remember it til much later on today.

i procrastinate WAY too much! oh well. c'est la vie. now it's time to go see starsailor at amoeba. woo. when i get back, THEN i'll start working on my hw. i've got plenty of time. the night is young. haha oh and i got my print back of my poster. looks good. yay. sometimes that shit can go so wrong. so i'm happy this one didn't fuck up. =)

wow. naps really knock me out. it's funny how a nap is supposed to wake u up. but really it just makes me more tired. good grief! anyway, i am utterly convinced that john misses me in some degree. and i fucking love it! haha just the way he's been acting towards me lately. the lunch together the other week. stroking my hair! calling me the other nite to ask me what i'm doing and joking about me "cheating on him." wanting me to go to lunch with him today and then getting pissy when i said no. just shit like that. i'm not saying he misses me entirely. but definitely to some small degree. and it's a great feeling for me cuz i don't care. finally! fucking retard men...don't want u when u want them. then want u once u are over them. haha bullshit!!!

god i'm so tired. i didn't shower this morning is becoming typical on monday's and friday's. haha i just don't care. i'd rather sleep. and the fact that i had to call some print places and then take my peacock poster to be printed meant spending more time doing things before class. but it's all taken care of. the prints will be ready tomorrow and i'm told this print shop is good. so hopefully my poster will look nice. that's the worst thing about graphic design. the printing. shit always goes wrong. oh well. anyway, so now i'm way early to class cuz i alloted to much time. which sucks cuz i could have showered or gotten more sleep. oh well. c'est la vie.

tomorrow i'm meeting with the photographer guy for the possible assistant job. that would be cool. a little bit of money to help offset my expenses such as...COACHELLA!!! haha i also have to finish 20-30 thumbnails for my typogoraphy t-shirt design. study (that's a really loose term tho) for my type midterm and my adv. image midterm. see starsailor at amoeba at 7pm. all these things. at least i'm not bored. and that's good. boredom leads to dwelling. and dwelling leads to being upset. and i don't need that. no sir.

aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!! i just watched the ending to the office. i finally downloaded the christmas special. both parts. and all i have to say is, what a great way to end it. seriously. painful as usual but great. i don't want to give it away because no one else has seen it. but i wish i could say more. cuz yea. good stuff. now i gotta do my thumbnails cuz i've procrastinated enough. but first, lyrics to an awesome song that i currently am in love with and completely understand:

inside of love
- nada surf

watching terrible tv
it kills all thought
getting spacier than
an astronaut
making out with people
i hardly know or like
i can't believe what i do
late at night.
i wanna know what it's like
on the inside of love.
i'm standing at the gates
i see the beauty above
only when we get to see
the aerial view
will the patterns show
we'll know what to do
i know the last page so well
i can't read the first
so i just don't start
it's getting worse
i wanna know what it's like
on the inside of love
i'm standing at the gates
i see the beauty the above
i wanna know what it's like
on the inside of love
i can't find my way in
i try again and again
i'm on the outside of love
always under or above
i cant find my way in
i try again and again
i'm on the outside of love
always under or above
must be a different view
to be a me with a you
i wanna know what it's like
on the inside of love
standing at the gates i see
the beauty above
i wanna know what it's like
on the inside of love
of course i'll be alright
i just had a bad night.
i just had a bad night.

done! altho i'm starting to have some printing issues. but aside from that it's done! i still have thumbnails for my other class to do which are going to be hard cuz i can't think of a good concept. gah! but at least this poster is done. and that's the main thing. i worked on it like all day. the uncompressed photoshop file is nearly 300MB! it takes like 15 seconds to load. good lord. i think i need more RAM! anyway, i sucked it up and went with the crowd and bought tickets to coachella. 2 day pass. with camping grounds. $188!!! i'm shitting myself. but it will be worth it. we'll have sooo much fun. but good lord it's going to fucking kill me. monetarily that is.

god i didn't do a fucking thing today. i have so much hw it's unbelievable. oh well. tomorrow i crack the whip. i had a long discussion today with rick about a lot of things. inclduing confidence and stuff. and i have decided i can't be upset. i can't let this shit or anything bug me. just go fwd. be strong. fuck thinking i can't get men. cuz i can. i just haven't found the right one yet. period.

i'm frustrated beyond belief. noah related of course.

i saw a guy from high school who i haven't seen since back then and he looks about the same. not quite as hot as when he was younger but whatever.

coachella lineup is posted and both days rock so i might be tempted to go for the steep 2 day pass.

i watched lost in translation last night and i didn't like it as much as the first time. but i think that the situation in which i saw it had something to do with that. boo.

john was acting weird on the phone with me last night. i don't need that sort of shit. i really don't.

did i mention i'm frustrated beyond belief? cuz i am. gah. whatever. i'm not dating for awhile. i can't be bothered. anyone want to be friends with benefits? haha

well i didn't get the job that i interviewed for. but i did get an email back from this photographer who needs an assistant. it's also $10/hr. part time. and the email sounds like if i want the job i can get it! cuz he said that eventually if i felt ready and he was overbooked, i could shoot the photography! and this place is closer. sherman oaks. no 405 freeway. 101 tho. almost as bad. anyway, i'll call the guy and see what's up. this could be cool. part time work. photography. not bad.

oh and i saw this watch in a magazine today and i really fucking want it. only cuz i've never seen anything like it. it looks so fucking rad.

and john cut his hair. it looks bad. i didn't even recognize him. it was so strange. he looks really normal. not that that's bad. cuz it's not. but his hairstyle today was just not good. coupled with his choice of outfit. no. anyway, no nap for me cuz i'm going with noah to see his friends' band play in claremont. i hope they are good.

i forgot to eat!!! how did i do that? i left the pot of water boiling so long that not only was all the water gone, but the pot was super hot. good lord. what came over me? i'm working on this fucking report for class and doing more than i should in terms of layout. and i just completely forgot to eat. i mean now that i think about it, i'm hungry. yes. but still!

it's been a weird day in terms of driving and seeing people. i said earlier that i think i saw noah's friend. well i know for sure that i saw blaise walking down wilshire. liv driving on santa monica. and harrison turning on gower. good lord! so crazy. and i saw rhode island license plates which are really ugly. i've never seen them before but that's prolly cuz the state is the size of a twig and no one lives there. haha

i feel overwhelmed. even though i'm not. u know when u just have this feeling of something pressing on u. that's how i feel. and i realize that lately when i have been trying to sleep, i get this weird feeling. i can't describe it but it's sorta like vertigo i guess. an imbalance really. i think it's my nasal spray fucking with me. cuz i use it right before i go to sleep. it's weird. i wish i could explain it but it's a melding of physical sensations and mental images. yea...it's strange.

anyway, so today i had this interview at this art gallery place in hawthorne. sorta near the airport. it was for a job scanning in artwork and then retouching it. color correcting the scans. removing dust, scratches, etc. the building itself is a warehouse but it's really rad looking inside. nice design. the woman that interviewed me is like a couple years old than me. was a graphic design major. seemed friendly. she loved my purse! haha anyway, it went well i thought but she had a couple more people to interview. and even tho she said that working around my school schedule would be fine, who knows. we'll see.

on my way to the interview, i swear i saw noah's friend. the girl. the one i've never met but hear about all the time. the reason i think i saw her even tho i've never met her was, this girl was exiting fairfax. and she lives near me. she was driving a brand new black mini and i know she just got one for her birthday last month. all black too. and this girl looked a lot like the girl in the photos on friendster. so i'm almost positive it was her. but this also means she was prolly coming from his place. in the morning! i know they used to hook up. he said they don't anymore. who knows. whatever. it doesn't matter. i give up on men. maybe one day he'll be thinking exactly what i'm thinking now: why didn't i ever date ______? cuz that guy will who took me to the sparta concert and to craig kilborn to see robbie williams. he was a good guy. and he was attractive. and he was nice. and he liked me a lot. and i liked him too. but i was a fucking moron and sorta pooped out on him. didn't really give him reason to follow through. and now i sorta regret that. surely i wasn't majorly excited about him at the time, but that was me being lame. and i know we would have at least had some fun together dating. but no. i'm retarded. and maybe one day noah will think the same about me. at least i wish. well, i wish for that only if i can't overcome this now and actually date him. but if we just remain friends and then sorta dwindle away, i'll hope that one day he'll think that and then think twice when he poops out on some other girl. see. i'm learning from my mistake. still dreadfully single. but at least i know that i shouldn't be so hasty in judging. oh well. michael and i were talking about this today. extrapolating too much from first impressions. presuming things won't work before even really trying. gotta stop doing that. i don't really do that as much as he does. but yea. gotta stop that. or else i'll be doomed to be single forever.

i should go to the library to read more about this woman who i have to do a report on for class. but i can't be bothered. i think i'll just do the report with what i have and then if i need more info later for my spreads, i'll get more info from the library. cuz 1) it's a pain in the ass to go downtown and park and deal with all that bullshit. and 2) i can't make color copies of her stuff so it's sorta pointless. i'll just look at her work online and work with that. plus i bought one of her books. so i'll scan shit from that and then return it. haha

i bought lost in translation the other day when it came out and i really wanna watch it but i said i'd wait for noah. so i hope he can watch it within the next few days. i really wanna go out for fondu for dinner too. ever since emily said she had that, i've been wanting to go. i haven't had fondu since i was in switzerland 4.5 years ago!

oh and i went to the dermie today. got some lotion that should help my razor bumps. hopefully. cross your fingers. also found out i have a yeast infection in 2 of my fingernails. didn't know that was possible! that's the reason they are discolored. so now i gotta use this solution 2 times a day til the nail grows out completely. gah! how did this happen anyway? i think it's from washing my hands too much! that mixed with my birth control pills and wearing nail polish. all these things can make it happen apparently. but still. wtf?

i had a good day today. i think i will be getting back to those happy moments. like in the photo. =) yay! i picked up josh at work and got my lost in translation dvd!! i can't wait to watch it. noah wants to see it. maybe tomorrow after class? we'll see. either way i'm way excited. it's staring at me and i wanna watch it now but i gotta finish my hw. blah. anyway, i was happy to see josh. i really like him. he's a good guy. and we click nicely. so it's good. much love with josh. after i took him home, i went to dan's and hung out. ate some fish sticks. yum yum. then came back here to find james ready to introduce me to exciting new music! so that was fun. i have lots of explore now. and then the rest of the night has been spent having random fun conversations and staring at my bubble wrap desktop which looks fucking cool. i'd post it here but it won't look the same in small form. so yea. anyway, still gotta finish my hw. don't want to. not sure what i'm doing exactly. might have an interview thursday for a job doing photo correction and stuff. that would be nice if i got the job. part time work. has to do with my major. no interaction with stupid public people. good stuff. prolly won't get it but whatever. at least i will have tried.

rick took this photo of me like 2 years ago. notice the red in my hair. that dates it for sure. anyway, i remember it was a really fun incident. rick hovering over my bed to snap this silly shot of me with a tile on my forehead. it was great fun. and i was happy. i want to get back to times like those. happy times. =)

i just served up what some would consider an entirely low blow to dan just now during our conversation about relationships. i didn't mean to make it sound that way. but the truth is the truth. he is just one of the string of men who won't commit to me. the problem i face all the time. lack of commitment. there is obviously something wrong with me for all these men to not want to be with me. or else they are all fucking morons. u decide. either way. men suck. women suck. it's just a matter of a man and woman finding the right compatibility of suckiness. that's all. i haven't found that person yet i guess. so fuck me! goodnite for real this time.

i finally finished that bullshit fucking assignment. i totally know why she made us do it to. to feel the letters. see the curves. understand. if i didn't already put it away, i'd take a picture of it and post it. but i'm too lazy to get it out again. and then put it away again. so nevermind. i ate too much food today. i have been eating too much lately. it's making me feel disgusting. it's prolly cuz i rarely leave the house. so i see food and i eat it. gah. horrible. fucking horrible. i have more to say. (you think, how could that be?) but i don't feel like saying it and showing what a moron i am. goodnite.

i just realized i have been blogging WAY too much lately. but i also realized it's cuz i feel lonely right now. and that is cuz i haven't been out of the house much. but i have no reason to leave the house. nothing to do. and no one to do it with. so i'll just sit here. mind my own business. do my work. and blog my life away...

perfect lovesong
- the divine comedy

give me your love
and i'll give you the perfect lovesong
with a divine beatles bassline
and a big old beach boys sound
i'll match you pound for pound
like heavy-weights in the final round
we'll hold on to each other
so we don't fall down

give me a wink
and i'll give you what i think you're after
with just one kiss i will whisk you away
to where angels often tread
we'll paint this planet red
we'll stumble back to our hotel bed
and make love to each other
'til we're half dead

maybe now you can see
just what you mean to me

give me your love
and i'll give you the perfect lovesong
give me your word
that you'll be true to me always come what may
forever and a day
no matter what other people may say
we'll hold on to each other
'til we're old and grey

talk about cute british songs. rick is always bugging me about how i always listen to the same songs. so i decided to scrounge around my mp3 pile and i found this fine tune. it's so friggin cute. if i had someone to call my valentine this year (i never have to who's counting?), i would incorporate this song somehow. it's cute. it's mellow (you'd have to hear it). it's brilliant.

and, and, and....you can put the load right on me...

i just woke up from a nap a little while ago. a nap that was a little too long. when i went to sleep it wasn't quite dark and not quite raining. when i awoke it was defnitely dark and definitely raining. it was weird. a little jarring. i think i slept funny cuz my back and neck hurt. good lord. why do i always do that? maybe cuz i'm retarded at sleeping. i swear i need to take a class on it or something. cuz i always have cramps and whatnot. and when i sleep with people i tend to push them to the side and steal the covers. bad sleeper jen. bad!

time to get back to work on the typography. i'm going to finish this fucker TONIGHT!

i have a bone to pick with wrigley's. EVERY pack of orbitz gum i buy breaks on me before i am done with it. see that photo above. that is my current pack of gum. 3 sticks left. all broken. i think it broke when i had about 6 sticks left. basically once that back strip of gums wears down to about half, the package grumbles. and always on the left side. it's amazing to me. the first couple packs i figured it was me. but no. every goddamn time. i think wrigley's needs to rethink its packaging. the small sticks of gum are great cuz i think they are just the right size. but the package sucks. 20 sticks. 10 on each row. and the rows are made with foil basically. and there is no adhesive to make the flap stick. so it doesn't. i oughta send this photo to wrigley's with a complaint. maybe if they realized this was happening they'd do something about their packaging!

i'm now on the 4th line of my type hw. nearly halfway there! i just might finish this fucker on time. haha it's so damned tedious. i stopped to eat some dinner and watch the very painful scene from the rules of attraction. the one where the girl kills herself in the bathtub. she's obsessed with one of the main characters and writes him little love letters. she goes unnoticed by the guy and so finally she decides to kill herself by slitting her wrists in the bathtub of the dorm. what a way to go. and over a guy! it's one of the most painful scenes to watch on the screen just because u know she's dying before your eyes and even though all you see is her face, it's enough. the music is "without you" and it even starts to warp in sound as she's dying. god it's a good scene. but it's painful. and watching that at least reminds me that even tho i like a lot of guys. and even tho they don't like me back. at least i'm not psycho like her. at least i'm not in my bathtub slitting my wrists. ok, back to work!

lifting my head and hand from the paper....

i have this hideous typography assignment to letter two sentences in black letter font. by hand. no tracing. for those of you who don't know, black letter font is like the gothic text you see in old books and on scrolls and stuff. i've gotten 6 words done. one whole line. i have 7 lines. it's going to literally take forever. gotta love the type classes! haha

so ky sent me this link not long ago. and after watching it, i thought of another thing i hate when men say. and i swear i hear this a lot. maybe it's just me though. but often they say, "i know i don't really call. but i am thinking of you. you must know that." ok. so yea. men don't like using the fone typically. but, if you don't see me in person, u don't chat with me onlin,. and u don't call me, how do i know you're thinking of me? i'd have to assume. and u know what, assuming things about guys has really done me no good over the years. so why in the hell would i ever assume u actually were thinking of me and cared about me? nothing points in that direction. so hells bells i'm not going to assume. i think this might just be my personal rant that most don't really associate with. possibly because i am just a bit insecure. and also because i have met many men recently who frankly just never call me.

anywaaaaaaaaaay...i think i'm slowly becoming one of those bitter people again. just because i have been shat upon lately. i find myself not caring to even try and do things with others. it's too much effort to contact people. why don't they call me? why must i purpose all the ideas? my fone never rings anymore. and i've come to just accept it. like the other day when i had lunch with john, he ended our encounter with, "we should hang out sometime." to which i replied, "yeah. call me." do u know how many times i called him to do stuff? and do u know how many times he called me? let's just say it's about a 10:1 ratio. something like that. no i'm not obsessed with the fone. don't think it's like that. but when that's the primary means for communicating with people who u don't see every day, it's sorta important. at least in my book. how the hell else am i going to ask u to do something? i'm not gonna send u a fucking telegram. that's for fucking sure. back to work...