i am officially making school my life. i said it jokingly at the president's club meeting last nite, but now i have decided it should just be that way. first of all i have no bf. and no thoughts of one anytime soon. secondly, i have 6 classes next quarter, one being photography which i will be passionate about and therefore take up a lot of my time. thirdly. well there is no thirdly that i can think of. but basically since i don't work and don't have a bf to waste my time with, might as well just go full steam ahead with school. become the nerd i once was in high school. well, maybe not that bad. haha

school school school. i think this entire post is going to be about school. see. more reason for it to be my life. haha last nite i met most of the fellow pres. club members. recognized some from my orientation. i think i want to volunteer to speak at orientation. it would be fun i think. and then people will probably recognize me more in the halls just cuz they will have seen me like the first day they were at the school. cuz all the people that spoke at my orientation i remember because of that. anyway, met some new people. one guy named jimmy reminded me of harrison a bit cuz he was a bigger guy. might be mixed. looks mixed at least. and he's full of energy and whatnot. a lot like harrison. this other guy david i didn't really take much notice of, but i just ran into him tonight and we had a chat with the nice security guard that works the nite shift. this david kid is 20 and just got out of a 1.5 year relationship with a culinary major at school. how do i know all this? cuz he somehow asked me if i was single and then somehow it got out that i dated someone from school and from there the info flowed. haha he works in the library so i think i may have interacted with him before but i don't remember at all.

on another school related topic, my design teacher got in major trouble with the graphic design dept head for various reasons. i won't get into it all but it sucks and it's fucking bullshit if u ask me. i found all this out from a girl in his other class. and it all started because someone in MY class ratted on him saying that he lets us out early and that person doesn't think it's fair. u know what, i'm willing to bet money thatit's one of two girls who are basically failing the class cuz they never go to class on time, never turn in work, etc etc. basically the ones i talked about before when i talked about john being dropped. i'm almost positive it's one of them. they are just pissed and finding ways to fuck this shit up. it sucks too cuz my teacher is a good guy and i don't want to see him fired!! the dept head is that woman that i said i might have as my instructor and is mean. so it makes sense. and btw, i don't have her anymore cuz i switched my class today to the other section. woo! so on friday i wonder if my teacher will mention this situation. i hope so in one sense and not in another. but i bet he will cuz he'll inform us how we must stay the full time now. which fucking sucks. of course someone who was doing well in the class wouldn't complain about that. bloody fucking hell!

what else? oh yea. my adv. image class. tonight our teacher told us we are having a test next week on various things. and he told us what the test would have on it. some people didn't come to class tho. too bad for them. one being noah. but guess what. i ain't gonna call him to tell him anything. so unless the guy in class that also knows noah has his phone number and tells him, noah is gonna be shit out of luck. whatever. not my problem. not that i am on bad terms with noah but i'm just fed up and whatnot with having to always be the one calling him to do shit and stuff. fuck that.

oh! and when i was talking to that david guy (who i felt bad cuz he remembered my name and i didn't remember his) he asked who i dated at school and i told him john's name and he sorta just gave this look. and when i described john so he would know for sure, he continued to give a look. i assume john's reputation preceeds him. haha whatever. i know that to some degree. i know how john is and i know that people could easily form opinions of him. so whatever. but i found it amusing and interesting.

blah blah blah. i'm rambling on and it's ALL about school. how sad. like i said, school is now my life.

i'm at school right now waiting for the president's club meeting. woo! haha it's catered by the culinary kids. let's see how good their food is. anyway, last nite i had photography class and it was fun. the printing was tricky but i think in time i'll get the hang of it. it's just all new to me so it's not that easy. but it was fun. i forgot to mention that in my fluster over other things which i will get to more in a minute. today i met up with the cinematographer guy and got paid. that was nice. i also saw orny (say it with me...or-kneeeeee!) adams from the movie the comedian. it's the documentary about jerry seinfeld making a comeback to the comedy circuit. orny was the other comedian in the movie. anyway, he lives in brian's building and whenever i pass his door i hope he'll come out so i can see him. but today i saw him at the apple store at the grove. i talked to him about laptop choices even tho i don't work there. haha but i didn't acknowledge that i knew who he was cuz that would just boost his ego and heaven forbid i did that! so yea. that was funny.

now about the boys and the mess and all. normally i don't make posts with a specific intent, but this one i will. cuz i know johnny's ex reads this. so lemme just make something clear. that previous post did not mean that i was rattling off a list of boys i wanted to get with or whatever. it was about the fact that my life is a mess and it has to do with these people. basically because i have been talking to johnny so much his ex thinks i like him and that we are dating or want to date or whatever and she's freaking out. and i don't want any of this to happen. i have no intent on making this situation worse. it's not my problem. i'm just some random girl. if need be i'll even just stop talking to him. that would suck cuz it shouldn't be necessary. but hey, if it must be that way it must be. he's just this guy who i met online and chat with and think is cool. we hang out and stuff and nothing happens. so she shouldn't worry about it all. but i know how it is. i'm a girl. so if i were her i'd probably be thinking the same things and worrying and all that jazz. and i hope that she hasn't mistaken my posts about john and thinking they are about her ex. she shouldn't cuz i specifically say johnny when i mean johnny. and not john. but whatever. anyway, enough of this forced entry. i'll post more later about other crap.

i should live in a vacuum. it would be easier that way. for everyone. so let's see. that guy george who i met a couple times and saw at the roost the other week is all of a sudden talking a lot with me on AIM. and being suggestive. and at first i was like, hmm well he's sorta cute. maybe this could be rad. now i'm just weirded out. cuz in the first place i can't deal with someone like him cuz i know he's too into be in that scene. working for an indie record label and all. so i can't deal.

then there's johnny who i talk to online like all the time and hang out with on occasion. he's rad and all and i won't really get into it more than that. but let's just say that i now know his ex reads my blog cuz i can see the IPs. so yea. it's *that* sort of situation.

and then there's john who is just a whole other can of worms. only cuz we dated and all. then it was all crappy and bad. and then it was fine. and now it's just strange. we keep having some awkward moments and i swear i don't know what to do. if i should roll with it or not. i keep telling myself that it's all a can of nastiness waiting to explode. but it's not that cut and dry. at least not in my eyes. probably in everyone else's it is. but whatever. we had one close call today it seemed. and that really got my brain all racked and weird.

anyway, i'm tired as fuck and realize that i gotta find a way to switch my GD class next quarter. not only is it apparently with the super hard and mean woman, but it's monday and wednesday and right now i'm always beat on mondays cuz of the two classes going ALL day long. i never get home til like 11pm. and it sucks. and if i just had the one photography class late, at least i wouldn't spend my mornings in class as well. so i want to try and switch to the other section which is on like tuesday and fridays. it's also shitty cuz it goes from 4-8pm. but whatever. i think i can deal. at least i hope i can. my friend matt is in that class so that would be cool. gah. i dunno what to do. i'm dead.

gaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!! i'm really having problems. i seriously need to just shut my brain off. cuz i don't know what to do or think or feel. and i'm lost. ever so lost. this sucks. i'm wasting time til i have my photo class. i'm excited for it. i just had lunch with john. gah. i'll just stop now. i don't wanna get into it anyway. i should leave here and look for parking near smc so i'm not late. bloody hell. fuck fuck fuck. i'm confused. fuck fuck fuck.

it's fucking hot! i mean it's not really really hot. it can get worse. it WILL get worse. but still. it's like the beginning of summer and it's only march. so yea. umm. i'm at school. dying from this heat. at least the room is air conditioned. i have been having WAY too many dreams about john lately. this is not good. gah. finals are coming soon. i have to figure out this adv. image final. i know i want josh in it as my model. i talkded to him about it and he said that he can get this girl he dated to be in it too. and she's hot. so it will look rad. it will look diesel if i do it right. i just gotta figure out what to do. i'll think about it today during the break. i think this week will be a good one. it's starting off well due to the lovely weather. i didn't really have trouble waking up. perhaps cuz i just kept tossing and turning from the heat. man that sucked. anyway, class is about to start. time to get some work done!

so i'm doing "research" for my adv. image class. one of the final project choices is to do a composite image of at least 5 images. and u can do a fake advertisement. so i'm thinking either alcohol, clothing, or makeup. something like that seems to lend itself to more color and whatnot. i looked at a lot of diesel ads from the past like 10 years and i think i might want to do a mock diesel ad. cuz they have some really silly campaigns. like the 'stay young forever' campaign was fucking great. people with plastic doll faces and captions saying how they stayed young over the years. stuff like drinking urine, breathing less, etc. good stuff. and the 'work hard' campaign was good too. people doing really mundane things like checking email, thinking, relaxing. and they are all sweating to do it cuz they are working hard. it's hilarious. anyway, i wanna think of something like that. something sorta silly that diesel would do. and make the colors nice. integrate my photo love in there.

it's hot. i think it's going to be hot from now on. good grief. time to get in shape to look good in the bikini to go to the beach to get a tan. bleh. also time to feel really antsy for being cooped up inside doing HOMEWORK!!!! i can't wait to get out of school and have a job (cross my fingers that i find one) where once i'm home the work is over. no working at home. just relaxing. everyone at home is always just doing fun and relaxing things. that's the way it should be. altho i can see myself being a freelancer in which case home won't be relaxing. gah!! i finished the cinematographer's website. here it is:

lawrence schweich -- director of photography

u can tell me what ya'll think. back to my page layouts.

i can't sleep. the marathon is RIGHT outside our house. mile 19 marker. so as a result, there are masses of people there with cups of water and music cheering on the runners. the top people already passed by but yea. i can't really sleep with this going on. it's sorta exciting and sorta annoying. it's a beautiful day outside though i must say. great for going out. not great for running. seeing all the young volunteers reminds me of when i volunteered for the bay to breakers in high school. same deal. wake up butt ass early. help set up the tables and water stands. etc etc. only it wasn't warm cuz it's SF and i was at the finish line area which is near the ocean. but yea. it was fun.

and the nite's not over yet! off to mel's for shakes with josh. woo!! oh and the marathon is passing by our house tomorrow. we are mile 19. the streets are totally EMPTY and the tow trucks got all the stray cars. it's so rad looking.

i ran into a crapload of people tonight. it was weird. rick and i went to see a friend of a friend's documentary called dance dance documentary and it was amusing indeed. then we met up with jen and stacey to go to star shoes. there were saw devin and gabe. it's been ages since i've seen devin. so it was rad. there was this guy there was totally cute but i was too shy to talk to him. he walked by several times and so finally i got to the point where i had to do something. so me, jen, and stacey went over there and we used one of dwayne's lines. "do you know what nougat is?" the cute guy and his friend were so not receptive. like they answered but they weren't amused. so that sucked. they were really dull so we couldn't even work more convo with them. how sad. cute guy. totally dull. oh and duh. kevin from the band was there. well he's not in the band anymore. he's in another band with this guy that stacey knows. so he was there and that was rad. then when we got outside i saw nick!!! it was amazing. i haven't seen him since the last orange:house party. i felt bad for not calling him so long ago. i wasn't sure it was him so i called his cell fone and when i saw him pick it up i walked over to him. it was so rad. but it was weird cuz he was really drunk and bit touchy. and he totally used to date my linh. i had no idea. anyway, he was pissed that i haven't called him and stuff and i felt bad. so we'll hang out again soon. and he was there with my old neighbor matt cuz they are friends. so it was really rad seeing all these old friends. good nite overall.

blah blah blah. u can fill in the gaps once again.

muller photography

go there!! i LOVE the site because it's simple. shows the photos well. and the work is amazing. i love it. my new inspiration for the semester of photography ahead. honest to god.

i hate to admit it, so i don't think i will...

at school waiting for class to start. had breakfast with robin. she's passing through LA with her friend. they are going to arizona. she goes to the same school as dominic in SF! they know each other. it's rad. i sorta figured that tho cuz she was the one who told me about the program and so it makes sense. anyway, she's doing well. i'll see her in a few weeks when i go back to SF. and she told me that lydia is moving to SF like this week!! hello?!?! so now robin, lydia, and emily live there. dominic is there. kyla is nearby. of course mel is there. and the shotwell boys. goddamn everyone is up there. i just may have to move back once i get out of school. it's insane! anyway, off to wake up john since he is napping in his car and needs a wake up call. he's so sleepy it's cute.

gah! not only did i wimp out but we hung out later. i went up to hollywood to make the rounds with my fudge. went to that guy johnny's place to see it for the first time and help him with his website. i was there way longer than i expected which was fine. he's a nice guy. his place is tiny. haha but i think now he will make a better website for himself. i'd offer to do it for him for free but i don't have time. too much on my plate right now. so yea.

i left there late and then went to noah's new apt. it's cute. they aren't all moved in yet. hung out there for like an hour or so. it was good. i think all is well even if i did puss out. i don't care. i'll just let it all go. maybe it wasn't even a date. i can't be all pissy and mad at him. i just can't. we get along too well. when i left he walked me to my car and we talked more. and then i felt all weird cuz i was going to just leave without hugging him but he sorta like leaned in for one so i gave him one. it was awkward i'm sure. haha

it was like 3am when i left there and i called josh cuz he's up there too. but he was on his way to swingers. and big news!! daniel quit the band. just last nite he EMAILED them to tell them. that's shitty. he quit the band and another band and his workplace. all cuz the new band that he got asked to join got signed and he has to do that full time. but he just burned a lot of bridges. it's crazy, insane, developments. i wonder if i'll ever seen daniel now. prolly not. how sad. oh well.

oh and i heard that next quarter for my design class i have the dept head and she's really really mean apparently. i'll prolly be crying at least once after i take that class. crappola! oh well. i'll get thick skin i guess. it'll just suck the whole way.

i was so ready and then i lost the nerve. the moment wasn't right. the convo was flowing so smoothly. i'm mad at myself for pussing out. but maybe that's cuz deep down i'm not a mean and vindictive person. gah!! i dunno. i'm retarded. i should have just laid down the law. but no. i wimped. lame lame LAME!!

i think i might have permanent back pain after tonight. i'm tracing these stupid letterforms and i think my back is about to give way from hunching over the table so much. gah!!

oh yea. so i just realized that maybe these art school kids aren't right for me cuz it's about the same time of last quarter where i started to go thru my hating john phase. and now i hate noah. isn't that bizarre. will i get some guys number at the end of the quarter? haha u'd think art school would be a good place to meet guys. but i guess not. or maybe it's just me and i attract the shitty ones. actually, i bet that's what it really is.

well. my fudge tastes alright but it's hard as fuck to get out of the pan. i should have just poured it into small little containers. bah! whatever. it tastes good. but its just a mess. it'll be harder to bring to random people tho. if you want some, let me know! i'll prolly end up throwing half of it away unless lo eats it. haha went to kinkos just now. that was round one. i'll be back for round two later on tonight.

today has been a very lazy and unproductive day. even tho it needs to be. i woke up to move my car. ate breakfast. then went back to sleep for far too long to admit. haha woke up and realized i need to get my hw done. thought i had to go to the art store but realized i didn't. went to ralphs to get some stuff to make fudge and get some cash back. i was gonna go in the line with the cute guy bagging but it was too long so i said fuck it since i looked shit and figured i wouldn't say more than "plastic please" to him. haha but then the line i went in the woman pressed the wrong button and gave me $113 back!! instead of $5. good thing i had the money in my account or else i would have overdrafted immediately and i would have made someone at the store pay for that $20-something fee. but luckily that wasn't the case. but in the midst of that, someone ran off with my groceries. so my checker and one other woman had to go retreive them for me. sheesh! then it started sprinkling on my walk home. but now i'm home. i made the fudge. i'll deposit the extra cash at the bank on thursday. all is well. i started on my hw.

i just found this photo that jason took of me (i messed with the colors of course) at doughboys last summer before he went to japan. i miss that boy! anyway, i realized that 1) i actually like this photo of me and 2) my hair looks good here. and i need to get it cut like that again. i should print this shit out and take it to my guy omar. cuz seriously, i want my hair this way again. fuck taking in photos of hair models. haha this is ME with the hair i want! haha i'm so glad i found this photo.

so i realize that i just said what i just said. and i realize that i can't say that. that's regressing. i can't be regressing. i need to be moving fwd. gah! what's wrong with me? i need to not leave the house and see these people. when i'm at home i don't think about john. only when i see him at school. i wrote that right after he came over to talk to me in class. gah!!! oh the quarter will be over soon enough. good good. then he and noah can be out of my life and i won't have to regress in thought. i can fully move fwd. at least i hope. i'm a boy wreck. i can't date anyone now. i was talking to george online last nite about seeing him at the roost and basically he told me that he thought i was flirting with those two boneheads who came to talk to me and jessica and that if he didn't think that, he would have come over. that he would have tried his hand at flirting. gah. whatever. he gave me his number. we might go out for a curry. since we both love indian food so much. too bad i'm not interested really. i mean in theory yes, in practicality no. i need to really wipe the men slate clean. cuz last quarter was the john mess. this quarter is the noah mess. we need to have no mess first before we can move fwd. oh god, i'm using the "we" now. i need help.

so john and the girl are allowed to stay in the class. the teacher has let them stay. they won't be dropped. however they have to sign this paper saying if they miss one more class they will fail. and this isn't like some paper that the teacher just made up for them to sign. this form exists at our school!! wtf? we aren't in goddamn high school here. sometimes i am truly amazed. truly. and i hate to admit this, but i sorta miss john a little bit. i'll probably never say that again. but it's kinda true. even if he was a dick. i miss his company.

i'm eating crackers and drinking sprite (no ginger ale in the vending machines) to help my aching tummy. perhaps it was the late nite food with josh? i have no idea. today will be a long day. mondays will always be long now that i have my photo class. but at least it's at the beginning of the week. get it out of the way. i keep thinking about how to approach this noah thing cuz the more i think about being presumptuous, the more i will look like the ass. and i don't want to come off as an ass. so i think i have it down the way i'll approach it. forward and curt but not assholish. i guess...bleh. whatever. class is starting.

i need to take more photos of josh. he's just so damned photo friendly. at least in my eyes.

i also need to make more short, random posts like this. like mcbane. =)

most people seem to be telling me not to jump to conclusions about noah because i don't know if he was on a date with the girl. after all, i go out late with guys who are friends. i was in the car with rick when i saw them and i'm not dating rick. and go out with josh at late hours all the time. but whatever. i know i am jumping to conclusions. i'm sorta doing it on purpose to use it as a way to distance myself from noah. it makes it easier. i figure when i see him in class on wednesday i'll just be very cold and not talk to him. if he doesn't notice then it definitely doesn't matter what i think. if he does notice and calls me on it, then we'll have a nice (or not so nice) little chat. at this point my thoughts of him are so shitty that it doesn't really matter what happens. whether i am jumping to conclusions. i don't consider us friends as it is. so it's not really a big deal for me to act this way. but holy fuck. if he was on a date, then i'll be so goddamn mad. and many people could say that i am being childish but if it's true then it means he lied to me. lied about not wanting to date girls right now. and i do NOT need a "friend" who lies to me. end of story.

btw, josh looked really hot tonight. *sigh*

i love josh. he's my single, late night, coffee drinking buddy. =)