this quarter is almost over. thank fucking god. it's been a hellish quarter to say the least. so much shit going on. goodness gracious. but just 3 more weeks and it's over. woo!!

on a sad note...yes let's take a minute to shed a tear or two...brian can't have coffee with me tonight cuz his busy self has plans he forgot about! dagnabbit. maybe tomorrow...

sometimes i think i'm a bigger bitch than i mean to be, or wish i was. for that i am sorry.

i seriously wish i could ask out the guy at work. but i know i can't because i'd probably lose my job. just cuz the office is soooo small. it sucks cuz i'd be willing to put myself out there. go out on a limb. take a fuckin risk for once. but nope. can't do it. just can't. it's funny cuz i tell people this and at first they ask why not? but then i say there are like 10 people in the office and then they understand. u just can't do that. how sucky. i complained to him about wanting a laptop to be more portable with my work, and he said maybe he'd get me one for my birthday. i know he won't. that ludricrous. but there's always that off chance. haha that 5%. that damned 5% can really get ya. lots of times huh? i gotta go to sleep. em is still awake and i'd love to chat but i really gotta go to bed. she's talking to me about urges and whatnot. and honestly those usually just go away for me. i learn to forget. what i want is for someone to realize that i am fucking rad and worth taking a chance on. that's what i want. the rest will follow in suit. but no. anyway, i have so much work to do and i wasted my day! ugh.

i think i'm pulling a rick right now.

my attempt to chat with rick failed since he was out and about. damn him! he said he wasn't doing anything at home. and then i call and he's out. bummer. oh well. he's coming back tomorrow and i'm getting him from the airport. so we can chat then. after which i will go with brian to insomnia cafe for some late nite coffee and much-needed chat. it's been far too long. i miss being psuedo-bf/gf with him. he says it's probably healthier this way. and it is. but still. we are going to catch up on all the gossip tomorrow nite. i can't wait. he's got his new girlie to tell me about. and i have...nothing...haha he thinks that ollie won't end up being my friend cuz he'll flake too many times. cuz in all actuality he doesn't want to be my friend. just a casual acquaintance. to which i replied, if this is so, then he's out. and he knows it! i'm keeping track goddamnit. not physically, but the irrational side of my brain is keeping track. haha

i think my eyes are going nutso.

john just called me and it was totally a normal phone call. fucking amazing. i think he still thinks i'm seeing ollie. we'll just keep it that way. it's easier.

lo's back! and rick returns tomorrow. yay! everyone is slowly trickling in. i like it. i hate an empty house. it's lonely as fuck. i think i'm going to call rick later. he sent me a long email and i felt bad when he called the other day. i was sooo captivated by that woman's website and design work i couldn't pay the proper attn to my ricky. so a call is in order tonight. past 9. when the minutes are free. hehe i use too damn many on work shit as it is. bloody hell!

this weekend is the wine party. good times. i should see what brian is up to. cuz i haven't seen that boy in awhile. he's just been so damned busy!

i'm just mad about saffron...

so i'm back in LA and the minimag deadline has been delayed!! this is both good and bad. good cuz i have a lot of shit to do right now. bad because i'll have finals when it's due. so i think i'm fucked either way. not sure. we'll see soon enough.

last nite a bunch of us had dinner at bissap baobab which is this awesome senagalese restaurant in the mission. the food is really good and the atmostphere is fun. they had a live jazz band playing. they called themselves hot and bothered. they were young. the singer was a girl and she had a really good voice. the bassist was really hot too. all the girls at the table agreed. we later realized they were probably taping the performance and the little tape thingy was right by our table. i'm sure our comments on the bassist were recorded. haha afterwards we went back to jason's new place and hung out.

this morning i went to the doc to make sure everything was alright since i fainted last month. and he thinks it was just a typical fainting spell. but i got some blood work done just in case. now i'm here in LA. quick plane ride. gotta do a lot of homework. i'm craving a candy bar though so i think i will have to indulge first.

i miss SF already! it's good to be back in the comforts of my home though. only because living with the 'rents is very tiring. my mom still thinks i'm 5. maybe 6 now. that's hard to deal with. very hard...

lots of talk of dating has been going around recently. everyone seems very ready to jump head first into it if they aren't already. it's very nice to hear michael wanting to get into the game since i feel he's been MIA for ages! it's probably because of the holidays. that tends to make people get all mushy inside. i'm pretty fucking gooey if u ask me but i'm also gonna be so busy that i can't be bothered. not to mention i don't enjoy "looking" for a guy like i used to. i've become so apathetic to men this past year. it's crazy. i think when i turned 23 it's like the sensor turned off or something. how ollie slipped by i am not certain. probably with his radness. i'd love to find another rad boy asap to spend the holidays with but i know that's not gonna happen. furthermore, vday is just around the corner if u think about it. but even if i found someone now it wouldn't last that long because it never does. so eh. whatever.

anyway i have to end this now because scooter needs more air...

today i saw a couple having a bad moment. me and ky were waiting for the bus and this woman walked up to the gate of this apartment building. everything seemed fine til a guy came downstairs. instead of the two of them going up to his place, they stood out there talking. and the body language was none too friendly. that's for sure. it seems as though they had had an argument and she agreed to come over and now they were settling it in person. or some such thing. it seems sorta shitty to be having such a dispute outside in public. i'd have at least wanted to go inside. can't be all emotional out on the sidewalk! anyway, we didn't see the end of it because the bus came.

last nite me and kyla went out to dinner with jessica and jordan at the restaurant at their hotel. it was quite good but a bit pricey. small plates style. fun indeed. then we made our way over to club cherry where lo and michelle were already there. we had a good time. i felt bad cuz jordan didn't dance!!! and i know he's a dancer. so i don't understand why. lo and michelle left earlier to try and catch up with some of his high school buddies. on their way our lo ran into a friend of a friend who turned out to be a girl i knew in high school!!! lo's friend amelia is best friends with this girl amelia who went to lowell. soooo weird. i haven't seen her since graduation! good times. the world is entirely too small.

tonight is dinner at bissap baobab! i've been there before. it's really good. senagalese food. we should have a sizable crew going. good times. gotta shower now and get ready. tomorrow i have a doctor's appt before heading back to LA. =( and then the week or so of hell begins.

SFMOMA was lovely. just got back. there were a lot of people there. i bought the ticket to see the glamour and lichtenstein exhibits as well. so i was there for quite some time. my favorite by far was the typography exhibit because it was all this very well done graphic design stuff. everything from annual reports to concert posters, to invitations. very nice.

i'm researching some of the artists from the exhibits as well as the graphic designers and i am in COMPLETE AND UTTER AWE of this woman's aesthetic. it's sooooo clean. and her website is fucking rad the way it works.

so u know how friendster and myspace can be. some people are really nice and wanna make friends. some people are really nice and are shy about meeting people. etc etc. and then there are those who are out to get a piece. and we all expect that. it's the way it goes. i've certainly gotten a lot of randm messages from guys on these things. and some are really retarded like, "you are so hot. wanna go out?" or something to that effect. and i've also gotten things like long ass convoluted mesasges. paragraphs long. obviously written to try and appear intellectual or interesting. of course we all know they just spam that shit to a million girls. but tonight i just got a message from sean that most assuredly takes the cake. the message read:

Whaaadddup?!
have u had any boobs job?

sean

yes folks. someone asking if *i* got a boobs [sic] job? haha and as if that is going to make me want to talk to you? soooo good. the best message ever.

anyway...spent a day with the 'rents. we went downtown and ventured into the fray as usual. it's a tradition of ours every post-thanksgiving. it's fun to just be out in the cold amongst all these people. i love downtown san fran. it's just so pretty. it's fun. it's not like the cold, sterile downtown LA. the only thing i will give downtown LA is the architecture. there are some rad buildings there. i love to go there on a sunday afternoon and take photos. u always find really interesting things when u just wander down there. can't say that's so true for downtown SF. but i still love it. oh and downtown LA also has the standard hotel which is a bitchin hotel. me and lo were talking about how renting a room with a bathtub that has a view by the window would make for an awesome vday thing. and me and michael were then also talking about how we'll be single once again for vday. haha we've NEVER had anyone for vday. NEVER! maybe it's for the best. it's easier that way. no fuss.

on tv i heard that SF is implementing a plan to boost tourism with the campaign "only in san francisco." they have made a website called notinLA.com. fuck yea. they are not saying that SF is better than LA per se (altho we all know it is...) but they are just trying to let tourists from outside of california know that SF has a lot of different things to offer than LA. fuckin rad if u ask me. of course i am biased and love my hometown. but yea. good fuckin shit.

tonight i may go out with melissa. not sure yet. i'm starting to get tired and it's only 8:30pm. i feel like whenever i hang around the house here in SF i get all sleepy early. i dunno if i can make it all nite. plus i'm going to SFMOMA tomorrow. god i love going there. it think i try and hit up the place every time i return to SF. they have an exhibit on typography!! i'm so stoked. and i know that sounds nerdy as fuck. but i like typography. so yea. i'm excited. tomorrow is also the night that everyone is converging in the city. i can't wait! i think we're gonna hit up club cherry (the home of the bootie night i mentioned down below). they have a night called leisure that sounds fun. i'm excited about that. plus i'll get to see a lot of friends from different avenues. so that's always fun. so yea. if u are reading this and u are in SF and u know me, call me up. cuz we should get as big of a group as possible. the more the merrier.

i'm a total nerd. i went researching more about this mashup. james told me it's by party ben. and party ben is actually a DJ on LIVE 105!!! the SF version of KROQ. he hosts a weekly 30 min show called sixx mixx. it's basically stuff that he's put together. remixes, mashups, bootlegs, etc. all this rad shit it seems. and there is also a club night in SF devoted to this sort of music as well. bootie. they play bastard pop, mashups, bootlegs, etc. it's at club cherry here in SF every second saturday of the month. sooooo unfair. i don't get to experience such joys. i wish i lived here just to go to this club, listen to the sixx mixx, and also go to popscene. BOO!!! anyway, the mashup that i've been raving about by party ben that james stuck on the cd is called "boulevard of broken songs." it's green day vs. oasis vs. travis vs. eminem. it's green day's song "boulevard of broken dreams" mixed with oasis' "wonderwall" mixed with travis' "writing to reach you" mixed with enimem's semi-cover of "dream on." my question is, what does that song sound like in entirety and is the original by aerosmith or led zeppelin? i'm a bit lost and without a download proggie on this comp, i can't easily find an answer. so it will have to wait. but goddamn this mashup is mixed sooo well!!!

so my dad wanted to know about ollie cuz i sorta just told my parents about him briefly. so i told my dad the whole freakin story since it's so easy to do. haha it's not long. my dad's perception of relationships is so funny. just cuz he doesn't know anything!! i told him about "the talk" or as i now like to call it "the monologue." he didn't know what that was. so i explained that it usually occurs 3 wks into any dating period and it's the talk over whether u want to pursue a relationship or not. and then he was like, well what do u mean by a relationship?? and i was dumbfounded that he would ask! cuz he thinks that a steady relationship involves love right off the bat. but no way!! it was so funny. i love my dad's ignorance on such matters. it's cute. anyway, i feel really good being home right now. away from all the LA bullshit. ah bliss.

back in SF. it's all overcast. what else is new? i had to sit in the exit row. WINDOW SEAT!! good lord. those of you who know my flying fears know this is HUGE for me. i HATE flying so much. and i am so scared of crashing, being sucked out, something. and so to be in the exit row where there is that door that opens is a scary thing. and to be on the window RIGHTNEXTO the door. yea. not so into it. but there was this guy next to me who talked to me the entire flight. younger guy. seemed like a tough guy but probably isn't as tough as he seems. i just sorta wanted to sit in silence but it was fine talking to him too. so whatever. distracted me slightly from the turbulence we encountered.

anyway, back in SF. good to be home. my parents just got this new computer and it's one of those HP media center types. u can watch tv on it. listen to the radio. record tv. etc. all these fancy media things. but they still don't have DSL. so i feel this high powered machine is rendered useless. haha oh well. i'm listening to the cd james made for me. god it makes me happy. maybe it's my mindset about it. maybe it's knowing that it was made with the intent to make me feel just a little bit better about ollie. who knows. but it's working. so THANK YOU JAMES!!! =) you rock. and this fucking mashup is sooo goddamned good. it's a mix btwn green day, oasis, travis, and someone else at the end that i recognize but can't recall the name of. it's soooooo good. it's on repeat right now.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

i'm heading on home today. woo! good ole san fran. the trip is well-needed. time to kick back and have some fun and forget about all the bullshit. all the work that needs to be done. that's for when i get back. monday. the beginning of the worst week of the year i'm sure. no sleep for jen. =(

this cd james made is sooo fucking good. what a great "sorry about ollie" cd. you rock james! thanks. =)

oh ollie.... *sigh* he's probably one of the raddest boys i've ever dated. which is probably why it pained me as much as it did to see it end. he's just so well-rounded. smart. funny. cute. great dancer. sociable. skillful. gah. enough gushing.

girls only want boyfriends who have great skills. you know, like nunchuck skills, bowhunting skills, computer hacking skills... -- napoleon dynamite

aww. james came over and made me a cd for lending him the office and because of the ollie thing. ah what good friends i have. and then me and michael (being the only two home) had a lovely long discussion about relationships and being single and whatnot. we get into it at length sometimes. this was one of those times. and now it's time to do the god awful laundry and pack.

jason just called me as i was driving home from the library. i had just been thinking about how i feel lonely and how this always seems to happen right before the holidays as i tend to be the last person to leave LA. i was thinking how i would hate to feel this way all the time. because lonliness to me is one of the worse things in the world. when i describe what hell would be like (if there is a hell), it definitely involves being alone. so anyway, i'm feeling lonely today because everyone is basically gone. give or take a few stragglers. but basically everyone is gone. and right now i feel shitty as hell because of it. i mean seriously i think lonliness may actually take precedence painwise over heartbreak. i dunno. but it's not too fun. and i was thinking that this is how ollie must feel like everyday since he barely knows anyone here. and then jason called and told me how he's been feeling really lonely ever since he moved to SF. cuz he doesn't really know that many people there. only a few. and so we had a talk about it. and that's when i decided that 100% i want to be friends with ollie. because i care about him. sure he caused me some pain but it's not like he meant to do it. it's not like he was like, "oh let's just fuck shit up and make jen sad." no. and i care about that fact that he is homesick a lot and probably quite lonely since he lives alone and works so damned much. so yea. when he gets back i will definitely want to build a friendship with him. the only way it won't work is if he doesn't put in effort. then i can't handle that. but that'll be his own fault. and he knows it.

on another note. people keep thinking that this lack of eating is due to ollie. but it's NOT! this started last thursday when i didn't sleep before type class. it just went all downhill from there with the food thing.

i really need to listen to more jazz. it's so damn soothing.

i think i'm getting my appetite back! i actually had a full lunch today. woo!

i've been at this computer working too much. posting too much...

i think it's funny how u can meet someone and within a matter of a few weeks become attached to the point of pain. i dunno. i think the human body is so damn fascinating the way it works. the way it responds to all sorts of things. why i can't stand dots placed closely together yet to someone else that means nothing. why i sneeze over freshly cut grass but to someone else that smells amazingly good. so bizarre this human body.

so i was having lunch with OCD boy as i normally do and we were talking about relationships and stuff. how he's dating this girl and how i was dating ollie. and he felt bad for me and all. etc etc. i realized that surely i've been hit by "the monologue" like 3 times this year but i've had my share of bypassing the relationship too when i shouldn't have. i always look to will as the quintessential model of that and how i fucked that shit up royally. but i just realized today that i basically did the same thing with OCD boy too. not exactly the same. but here was this guy who i was somewhat attracted to. he's smart. got a good head on his shoulders. etc etc. i barely knew him and we went out a few times. hooked up. etc. but then i wasn't really sure how i felt about it all so i just called it off. cold turkey. stopped it dead in its tracks. but now looking back on it all, i realize that if i had gotten to know him better the way i do now, i'd date him. totally. i'm not saying i'd marry the guy or anything, but i'd date him. cuz he's a good guy. always looking out for me. cares about me. but i really just didn't give it a shot. so yea, i know that ollie says that when he realizes it's not gonna work he knows it'll never work in the future so he just cuts it off. which is what he did to me. and maybe that's right for him. maybe it really would never work btwn us. but i can't neccessarily fault him for stopping it so soon because i've done the exact same thing. it fucking sucks yea, but hell i've done the exact same thing.

as i told him last nite, the curve on this one is really small. and by the curve i mean sadness, anger, sadness, comprehension, etc. usually the sadness takes a long time. and then the anger is a little shorter in length. but i think i'm coming to terms with all the parts really quickly and letting it all pass. it still sucks yea. but i'm already past the real sadness and anger. in the comprehension right now. god i'm such an overanalyst. haha

i woke up surprisingly easily when my alarm went off this morning. i had a little chat with lo while i ate breakfast. he said that it sounded like ollie just chickened out and pulled the plug too early. sure. whatever. it doesn't matter why. it's over. but as i was in the car going to school i had a thought. every time from now on, when i meet a boy that i want to date i think i should play this song...on muthafuckin REPEAT. haha

take a chance on me
- abba

ba ba ba ba baa, ba ba ba ba baa ba-ba
honey i'm still free
take a chance on me

i think i'm losing weight....

noah actually called me back that fucker! we were supposed to get coffee or something but since ollie came over it that didn't happen. but at least that fucker called. good boy. haha and now josh is coming over to watch a movie with me. i love josh. altho my love for josh isn't as strong as it was before. but it's still good. i dunno. it just used to be stronger.

we just had our little chat. me and ollie. and it went fine. i didn't expect it to go any differently to tell u the truth. i got my answers. he told me that he just realized that it wasn't going to work for him. that the "it" wasn't there btwn us. and instead of drawing it out and dropping subtle hints he thought it was best to just tell me right away. which i am thankful for. i'd rather here that sooner than later. it still sucks majorly of course. cuz i really like him. and we get along well and all. but u can't make someone like u. i know this. so yea. that's about it. we discussed being friends. i told him all my ideas about it. why it hasn't worked for me in the past and how it can work. and basically it all boils down to being a good friend. if he's a good friend to me then it will work. but if he's a super flighty friend then it's completly NOT going to work. in which case our friendship will cease to exist. so we'll see how it goes.

*sigh*

i'll miss cuddling with him and looking at his big blue eyes up close. and touching his messy hair. *sigh* life goes on right? yes sir...

the day before he pulled the plug i said the following:

man, i really like this boy. i'm scared it's gonna get fucked up somehow. just cuz that always seems to happen to me.

can i call it or can i call it?

ugh. i got to school early. i have a meeting at 5 and i don't have anything to do in the meantime. none of my friends are here so i'm super bored. there is one guy in the pres club (aside from the old dude who i think liked me) who every time i see him he's too friendly with me. and for awhile he kept wanting to hang out but i never did. i saw him in the front of school and specifically avoided him by going in the back way. i guess i could talk to him but i'd rather doddle online than bother. i may hang out with noah tonight but if it conflicts with the talk with ollie then it will have to be cancelled. apparently noah cut his hair really short! i'm very interested to see how this affects his modjo. haha james in england cut his hair and lost at least 75% of his modjo. just ask rick. he knows.

aww...i'm at the office right now and the guy i used to have the crush on (and may revert back to continuing to have that crush) got me a book on being happy. it's a silly little book but he did it cuz i told him about ollie very briefly. how nice of him. he's the one that took me to dinner the other nite. he's a nice guy. which is why i had the small crush in the first place. i have nothing better to focus on so i could just easily revert back. haha it hasn't been that long afterall.

i dread and embrace the talk tonight with ollie. i know that nothing good will come of it except closure. but it's not like i want closure. i want him. but whatever. being here in the office today reminds me of how my life was not too long ago. all work and some play. with no boy. so i guess it won't be very hard to get back to that mindset. it worked for so long anyway. but then if we are friends it'll fuck with that perfect little bubble. so again i still don't know...

i keep thinking about him and i know it's bad. i miss him. and there isn't much i can do. and i fear that i'll do exactly what i know i shouldn't do -- be friends with him for the sake that i miss him. and would wish things are different. cuz that's what always happens. and that's why i think it's always better to not be friends cuz it's easier to just forget. but then i feel bad about that. i dunno what to do. we're gonna talk tonight. i dunno what to do. it just sucks. i just keep thinking about him but not in a bad angry way. ugh. i dunno what to do. =(

and now we're talking online even tho we are gonna talk tomorrow. but we aren't really talking about "it" per se. but now i'm getting all emotional over it. good fucking god. this is why i just shouldn't date.

alright. we're gonna talk tomorrow actually. because that way we can talk in person which is so much better. the phone is so cold. plus i'm getting dessert with tinna later on. and then probably watching a movie with josh. so i've got stuff to do. no time to have a proper talk!

yea. so it's over. me and ollie. all over. last nite was the end of it all. exactly 3 wks from our first date. we had "the talk." although i'm tempted to just start calling it "the monologue" because really what sort of talk is it? it's not like i have anything positive to say in the matter. all i can do is sit back and listen to him and agree. cuz if i don't agree it doesn't matter anyway. either way i'm fucked. it totally caught me off guard and i was very upset. i went over to his house like i normally do only this time it was no happy ending. he made us dinner and then we were sitting there and he just went right into it. and it was short too. cuz i was too hurt to ask questions. so that's left for tonight. "the monologue: part 2 -- where jen chimes in." seriously tho. i thought things were going so well. but i guess they weren't. this one really stings cuz i liked him a lot. and now i'm even more convinced that i'll never find anyone. because once again i can't make it past the talk. i just can't. i think i've been through this 3 times this year. all unsuccessful. in fact i've never made it past the talk ever! never fucking ever. so it's starting to solidify in my mind that there is something seriously undatable about me. to the point where no man is willing to even try. they just cut it off right at the start. the only time i made it past that was john. but that was non-commital so really it wasn't making it past anything. it's like multiplying 0 times 2. u still get 0.

i feel a bit better today but last nite was just bad. cuz it always seems to happen at the guy's place too. never in the comfort of my own home where i can just curl up, cry, and banish the guy from my life for the rest of the nite. instead i'm sitting there helpless and wanting to leave but not being able to cuz he lives so fucking far from me that i'm not ready to drive all the way with tears in my eyes.

he said he still wants to hang out and be friends. i don't know if i can do that. not because i'm a heartless bitch but because every time i try to do that it basically has me hanging out with the guy and just wanting it to be different. wishing it wasn't the way it was. do i really need that sort of discomfort in my life? i have so fucking many guy friends anyway. half as a result of this bullshit i swear. why do i need another? we were never actual friends to begin with. we met and started going out on dates right away. so i don't even know how to be his friend really. we'd have to construct a friendship. and i don't know if i'm willing to make that effort. i know he's sad about this too. but hey, we all gotta be sad about something right? that's not my problem to deal with. i've got my own pain to work through. i know that i'm the person he knows best in LA and if he loses me as a friend i take all my friends with me too. and i know that's not a happy thought for him since he's homesick a lot and really doesn't know many people here. sure the kind heart inside me feels bad about that. but then at the same time i don't want to see him become friends with all my friends and then start dating one of them! hell no! that'd make me feel worse. so i dunno.

we're gonna have a talk tonight and it'll all come out properly. i just couldn't do it last nite. i was trying not to cry in front of him and that was hard enough. let alone have a proper talk when it was clearly coming out of left field. i dunno if i can deal with being his friend and the thought of last nite being the last time i see him doesn't settle well with me only because it wasn't the best of goodbyes. him looking sad and me holding back the tears. but it might just have to be that way. we'll see...

everyone i've told this to so far is baffled. and i am too. it was so sudden. out of the blue. it seemed to be going well. etc etc. out of all the dating people in our group, i seemed to have it in the bag. and now i'm the man down. but what else is new? nothing. cuz like i said, i've never made it past the talk. so i shouldn't be surprised at all really. in fact the next guy i try and date is probably going to suffer because i'm going to be so gunshy that it'll probably just fuck it up anyway. i'm fucked...

it's over....

i bought these really expensive shoes yesterday and i feel bad. but they are so fucking cute i couldn't help myself! they are funky formal shoes. i love them. and they make me like 4 inches taller!! i can't wait to wear them. they are made by united nude. they come in all sorts of colors as well as closed toe and boot style. the website is rad if only for it's flash intro where it morphs a shoe with a chair. i got a pair of black open toed ones like the photo below:

last nite was jen and sami's food fest. yum yum. very good stuff. i had a good time altho i felt tired after eating so much. i swear i ate more last nite than i have in the previous 3 days or something. so i went into a bit of a food coma while everyone else was getting drunk. ollie couldn't make it cuz he's building a set all this weekend and it was a shame cuz there were so many teachers present at the party. we figured we could start a very well-rounded school. jen teaches english. ollie teaches history and drama. steve teaches math and science. jen's friend, matt, teaches spanish. and walter's gf teaches piano. so the kids would have everything covered except PE. not too shabby. emily called me drunk last nite while she was in seattle with rick and neil. it was good to hear from her. she was totally wasted. i could tell. fun fun.

i told myself i'd go to the library downtown today to get books for my class. but i've been so lazy. so i might just do some laundry or something instead. i dunno. i have a headache that i think is from sinus pressure. i can't tell really but i know there is pain. that's all that really matters.

just got home. went to ollie's last nite again since there didn't seem to be anything going on here and i knew he wouldn't be able to make it out to jen and sami's thing tonight. he's gotta help build an entire set by tuesday for a play at his school. so he's super busy. poor thing was so tired when i got there. but he was a trooper and didn't fall asleep through the movie. man, i really like this boy. i'm scared it's gonna get fucked up somehow. just cuz that always seems to happen to me. =( this time last year i was dating john and look what a disaster that was! good lord! he just called me yesterday and we had a quick chat. he now knows i'm dating someone so i think he's backed off entirely which is very good. can't be dealing with that shit.

anyway, today will be a good day i think. i have no real binding plans except later on tonight. but that's gonna be fun. persian and greek food with friends. good times. but it's relatively early still and i have the day to myself. yay! i think i'll go to the library. unless i do that tomorrow. gotta see if it's open on sundays. cuz parking is better on sunday. gotta get books for class. run some errands. maybe go shop for a sweater. i dunno. just the fact that i don't have all that much to do for once is nice.

i have seen some things i want recently that are sorta expensive to buy for myself. so i think it's about time i start making a xmas list!

whoa. i just realized that yesterday all i ate was a sandwich, quesadilla, and a couple of cookies. today all i ate was a banana and a couple of cookies! no wonder i am STARVING!

omg. this honda ad is amazing!!! it took 606 takes to get it all right. it's so beautiful in it's perfection.

a true testament to how much i like ollie: sitting in rush hour traffic and losing much-needed sleep. ollie and i had agreed that since he couldn't come over and make dinner for my house that i'd go over to his house and we'd watch a movie and hang out. so last nite i rushed home from the office so i could get over to his house and have some quick dinner before watching the movie. there were of course complications because i'm seriously working on like 4 promos at work (might as well call it work rather than an internship cuz that's how it feels!!). i finished up my work and jetted out of the house to go to ollie's. ollie is an awesome guy and i think i found a real catch but the one bummer is that he lives so damned far...in pasadena. the rush hour traffic is hellish to say the least. but he's worth it. so i started driving and got about a third of the way to his place when i get a phone call from work saying that the promos are wrong. it's not my fault. they needed to change some of the copy to fit the legal necessities and whatnot. but i told them i was in my car on the way to dinner and couldn't do it. after all, i am only an intern who doesn't get paid. i'm not a full-time employee who's on call!!! but as it were, i had forgotten my dvd player so i had to return home to get it. so i guess the call was good cuz it jarred my memory. so i battled the traffic back to my house. got the dvd player. then battled the traffic back to ollie's. i think all of that set me back at least an hour. goddamn LA traffic!!!

i had a great time with him last nite. we're just these two goofy kids who are busy as fuck and stressed out more than we need to be. only he's much more carefree about his stress than i am. i gave him my piece of work that i made. the funky one. he said he liked it. i'm not sure if that's true. i told him he didn't have to hang it up cuz i wasn't too fond of it. i brought stuff to his house to make jason's milkshakes but i fucked up the proportions and it was waaaaaay too almondy tasting. it was funny. i spent the night on the condition that i had to leave when he left for work. so that meant that i had to wake up at like 6am!! normally i wake up at like 10am on fridays. and of course with any early wake up it means you have to battle the rush hour traffic. so i did that on the way back home. and now it's almost 8:30 and i'm still up because i had to finish the stuff for work to send off for approval. i also have to finish my homework and work on stuff for lo and stacy. i'm not toooo tired considering i'm pretty used to losing sleep. but i didn't sleep wednesday night and only got a 2 hour nap yesterday afternoon. and sleep last nite wasn't that great either. so yea. i'm tired. but like i said, i really like ollie. so it's all worth it. lack of sleep and sitting in traffic. alright, enough gushing. back to work.

i HATE the class i have today (refraining from using the name in case the teacher found this!). it's 4am and i'm once again redoing my layout. will she like this one? who the fuck knows. she's going to have to i think because there ain't much time to keep redoing this shit. i bet she won't like it. whatever. i've nearly given up. i should never have tried to challenge myself in this class. i decided i'd try and do something totally different from what i normally do. make something that was really classy and sophisticated looking. use script and serif typefaces. this was so NOT the class to experiment in because the teacher is too hard to work with. we don't have a computer lab because she removed us from it. her feedback isn't very helpful. etc etc. i hate this class. i count the days til i am out of it.

omg!! i'm sooo excited. randomly i decided to look up the office christmas special to see if they have a dvd. and fucking hell they do! both specials on one dvd! i'm sooooo excited!!! i didn't buy it through the BBC though because it's cheaper elsewhere. but it still cost me £10.99 flat. which these days is like $20 because of the weak ass dollar. thanks bush. ruining everything including my foreign dvd purchases! the only thing that has dampered my high right now is knowing that there is a freakin box set for the office. it has both seasons and the christmas specials and it's £28.99 flat which is much cheaper than buying them separately which is what i did. of course i got mine as they came out one by one. but still. god that would be a good gift for someone. too bad the folks i am willing to spend $50+ on for christmas aren't in love with the office the way i am. anyway, the dvd is on it's way. i just ordered it. it should be here within 10 days. good lord i can't wait!

i just got back from an amazing dinner. the guy at work who i used to have a slight crush on (not the old one) took me out to dinner for all my work on the media kit. normally that wouldn't be "necessary" but this media kit has been a thorn in all of our sides for like 2 months. and even today they found a major problem. so it might even have to be reprinted. anyway, he said i could choose any place i wanted. even if it was expensive. so i chose sushi roku cuz i've wanted to go there for ages and i know it's expensive. so we went and had to wait a long time. we sat and talked at the bar and drank cold sake which tastes a lot better than warm sake. then we finally got a table and ate. the food was delicious. and in the end the bill was monsterous. i felt sorta bad but not really cuz he said i could chose an expensive place. and we totally got like drinks, appetizer, sushi, and dessert. so i mean we got a lot of food. but yea. good stuff. and now it's past 11!!! good lord. time to do some work! altho i think i'm going into a food coma.

ollie and i have somewhat different music tastes so we wanna educate each other and i'm trying to make a radiohead compilation but i'm finding that it's impossible to narrow radiohead down to one cd of songs. or even two for that matter. so i'm really not sure what to do. i just love them to death. maybe i'll just make an mp3 cd. that way i can throw on millions of songs i like. i dunno. this is too hard.

so the transfer process didn't go as smashingly as i wanted it so the poster looks a bit wonky. i dunno if i should give it to him now. i can't decide. the thought is there but the execution is lacking a bit. oh well.

my latest creation...this one's for the boy. he needs some wall decoration. the weirder the better. right? ;) i'm going to make it via transfer marker. so it'll look even rougher and will be on interesting paper. i hope it works right.

what an awesome weekend! didn't have time to post because it just kept going. and now it's come to a halt which is good cuz i need to catch my breath.

sake was AWESOME!!! we have to do this again. hands down. everyone had a blast. at first some people were off on their own cuz they didn't know everyone but then once everyone had a couple rounds in them it was one big happy party. ollie came too which was fun. he got to meet more of my friends. they all seem to like him. and i of course really like him too. he's just so cute and funny. and of course there were lots of random surprises that nite as well. people making out that u'd never expect. good times indeed.

yesterday was the SC homecoming game. we beat U of A by a landslide. it was a good time. and then we barrelled on through and went to bang! wasn't quite as good as usual cuz we were all a bit knackered but decent. then today me and ky got lunch and i took her to the airport. went to the art store on the way back and here i am. ready to make a little sumpin sumpin.

sake tonight. WOO!!!

kyla's here!!! and i'm dead tired. too bad i have to finish up a postcard for work before sleeping. we just got back from the turtle racing bar. it was interesting. the turtles can move fast if they want. type class today was excrutiating. i'd say how i feel about it all and my teacher but in the crazy off chance she found this thing, i wouldn't want her getting upset the way she does in class when someone laughs. *hint hint* tomorrow is sake!!

i can't wait! it's going to be such good times. ollie is coming. i haven't seen him in a week! i realize that if we are gonna date this is going to be very tough for me because i seriously have no free time. and it seems like he has very little as well. so maybe it'll work in that regard. who knows. i can't wait to see him tho. i hope i'm not overly tired like i am right now. i must sleep soon!!!

ugh. a bunch of work to do for type class. i hate that class too. in fact i don't really like any of my classes this quarter. it's pretty shitty actually. but i must push on through. kyla comes tomorrow. woo!!! can't wait. we're all going to the turtle bar at night. yay for turtle races. i dunno if the boy can come but if not at least i'll see him on friday for sake. i can't wait for that too! this weekend is loaded with fun which means next week will once again be hectic. it's always that way it seems. i'll never catch up! i realize that even though i really like the boy i don't even have that much time to think about him and talk to him. it sucks really. i'm just always busy! and he lives just far enough that i can't randomly stop by and say hi. oh well. i guess that's how the cookie crumbles. will i not sleep tonight? i guess only time will tell...

he's coming to sake!! yay!

and i'm doing the minimag. woo! i'm going to die the week after thanksgiving. but it'll be worth it for the money, experience, and portfolio piece. sweet!

now back to work...

two things. one good and one bad. start with the bad so we can end on a good note.

bad: the spammer comments are increasing daily!!! it's getting very very very tiring to delete them all. basically it's like one company per day spamming my poor bloggy here and leaving spam comments. i delete them daily but still. it's getting worse!!!

good: i think the owner at my internship is going to let me and this other girl layout the 3rd issue of the minimag! i'll get paid a decent amount of money but more importantly i'll get the experience. it's only a 30 page mag so it's not too cumbersome. i'll be swamped with work for about a week straight i imagine but i really wanna do it cuz it'll be a great experience. plus it's somewhat templated so it's not *that* difficult. how exciting. i wonder if that would mean our names would be at the top of the masthead under the art section? that would be awesome. anyway, i'll find out later today whether i'll be doing it or not. woo!

he might not be able to go to sake!!! =/

but i won't give up goddamnit. fuck this negative bullshit. i've been going strong so far in this 23rd year. it's way too early to throw in the bag with lack of self-confidence. screw that shit. this kid rocks my socks. i mean he fuckin made me breakfast in bed. who's ever done that for me before? ...exactly... and i know he likes me a lot. so yea. i can't believe i let myself lose the optimism there. silly jen...

oh yea. FYI, that crying bit down there. that was for dramatic effect. i didn't go off and cry. but i was a bit disappointed. but now i'm whatever about it because honestly what the hell can i do about it? nothing. as usual. so we'll just go with the flow and see what happens. hopefully he won't think it's a bad idea to date me. and if he does, then i'll just stick him in the pile with all the other retard boys who don't deem me worry of their attention. the pile grows larger every year. i always look at myself and think, "wow jen. you're 23 and you *still* haven't been in a long term relationship." and then i realize that it's cuz i always date asshole boys who don't want to commit to me. and even when i go for the "nice" guy it *still* never works out. i can't say there is anything wrong with me. because i know i'm a good person. so it's just their fucked up sense. sadly i can't smell it before it's too late. i guess that's what's wrong with me.

alright, enough self-pity. this is why i don't even bother trying to date people anyone. or at least recently. i've got entirely too much work to do to sit and think about stupid boys. so if this one doesn't work out, it's back to apathy once more. this was sort of a freak occurance i feel. for the good. i hope...

oh yea. dan from SF came this weekend. i almost forgot. i met up with him last nite in hermosa beach. i hate it there. but i got to chat with him a bit. it's funny how i used to like him and was quite excited when i heard he was coming here way back when. oh how things change. and oh how 95% sure just might as well be 0% sure. that kind of margin of error is too much for me to have hope. but i will try. because this 23rd yr of life has been awesome so far. so i'll be hopeful just on that principle. and for the love of god, john needs to stop calling. there's no way he's ever sleeping over here again or getting me back or anything. i don't play that game.

i went to ATP today. it was alright. the raddest thing of all was seeing one of my tshirt designs being sold. that rocked my socks.

on the boy note. i knew i had cause for concern. we had a pre-emptive talk tonight. and he's confused...so i have a feeling it won't work in the end. cuz it never does. IT NEVER FUCKING DOES....i don't feel like getting into details cuz what's the point. i think i'm gonna just go and cry.

i'm starting to get scared. cuz even tho the date went really really well and i know he really likes me, i'm scared he won't want a relationship. cuz that's what *always* happens to me. =( i just hope that's not the case with him. part of me wishes i could just straight up ask him but i know i can't because u can't ask that of someone u just met. cuz u have no idea if u want to date someone when u first meet. i mean u have an idea but not like a real answer until u've given it some time. but yea. i dunno. i'm scared. cuz i really like him. gah!

the date went smashingly well. i just got home. ;) dinner, movie, coffee, wine, good conversation and breakfast in bed. i really like this boy and he really likes me. so hopefully this will turn out well. no more of this "i like u but...." bullshit. if that happens i think i'll seriously break something. maybe it'll be your head!

yay! he called. we're gonna do the whole old town pas thing. woo! i'm quite excited. i started to get scared that he wouldn't call just cuz i get that way. but of course he called. woo!

john just called again! i didn't answer. i have too much work to deal with his shit. he obviously realizes too little too late that i am worth some time and effort. too fuckin bad for him. he blew it last year. in fact it was probably a little bit after this time last year that i began to get fed up with his bullshit. some men just don't get it. i'm not some playtoy that you can take out and put away at your will. fuck that. i really hope that this works out with ollie because then i can rub it in john's face. as far as he's concerned i'm not even interested in anyone because i told him that like last week when he called me. but how quickly things change. i really do want to rub it in. that's not the reason i want it to work though of course. i just think ollie is rad. but it would certainly be the icing on the cake. ;)

i'm so fucked. last nite i didn't sleep. so today i was a walking zombie. one of my teachers gets so offended so easily she got upset when i gave out a tiny laugh at myself in class. i was so tired her scolding didn't even phase me. i stayed at school extra long to get my awards for last quarter's academic performance. the 19 yr old came with me. thank god. i hate being at such events. then the dept chair offered me and my friend the chance to intern at this design firm next quarter. so i have to bring my resume in tomorrow. i came home and my coat came!!! i love it. so i must return the urban one. i fell asleep for like 2 hours and woke up in a panic. went to the office only to find i had to clean up a few design messes. got my other ad done and came home. ate dinner straight away and then fell asleep again for another few hours. and now here it is, 1am. i have to do my entire assignment for tomorrow for class and rewrite my resume. fun fun. all i want to do is sleep. but no. ollie should be calling me tomorrow to go out. i cant wait. i really do like this boy. i hope i don't fuck this up.

=(

it's official. bush just won. kerry conceded like 15 minutes ago. this is a sad sad day for america. i'll tell you that. not only is bush our fuckin president for 4 more years, but both the senate and the house have republican majorities!!! and there are more republican governors than democrats. so basically the democrats have lost all the power in this country and we are basically fucked for the next 4 years. maybe now is a good time to move to england.

c'mon ohio!

VOTE!!!

fuckin eh. i just got off the phone with john. oh boy. i don't want to be presumptuous but i totally am inside my head. and something tells me that i am right.

why does john keep calling me?? oh and will called me today too. but i haven't call him back cuz i let it go to voicemail. i can't deal with these people on the spur of the moment. i just can't.

some people just don't understand the sensitivity to type! =/

my creativity is being completely stunted right now. i'm trying to design this ad and of course nothing looks good. that's cuz the owner always like shit centered!! u can't center everything. and if u want a hierarchy of information u can't have it all the same typeface. it just won't work! i think i need to leave soon. i have a crapload of homework to do and i haven't started. i'm gonna leave at 5. i got here earlier than usual so i think i am going to leave soon. maybe i can come up with something neat tonight and he'll buy it. i dunno.

i keep thinking about ollie (that's the guy) and how i really want it to work cuz i think he's quite rad. and how i'll be terribly disappointed if it doesn't work because by all right is should. it just should damnit. it's my turn!!! actually it's michael's turn. but then i'm next after him!!!

i just realized something. if this thing works out btwn me and the guy, i will be the only person in my immediate circle of friends in LA who wouldn't be single!!! i would fear for my life if i were you. because that's like hell freezing over, all the planets being aligned, and the apocalypse on the horizon. something seriously will go wrong. haha omg. that's such a crazy thought. me? the only non-single person? this must mean something is going to go wrong. because that's just seriously unheard of. seriously.

i just got back from dinner with the guy. i had a great time. i think we have a really good rapport with each other. so if this shit doesn't work out i'll be very disappointed. we've already made plans to see saw when he gets back on friday. woo! i really dig this guy. and he's just so normal. it's awesome. the roomies like him too so that's great. he said he would cook for my house one nite. i told him we'd have to clean the kitchen first. but i know rick and lo will flip when they hear that cuz they love free food. especially when it's better than the stuff they eat normally. haha oh and i finally got to see him normally. cuz i just met him two nights ago but both nights were at dark parties. so i didn't get a really good look at him. and now i have. he's so cute. like in this really young boyish way. he totally looks younger than he is. it's cute. and he's thin. i wasn't sure but he is. not rail thin like me and em love. but thin by the rest of the world's standards. so that's fine by me. and he has plump lips which would be good to kiss. yes sir. i dig this fella. and if he doesn't dig me then i'm gonna hole up for another 6 months or whatever. haha

anyway, i'm just on a high now cuz i had a really good time. but now i'm home alone because i think everyone left without me to go to weho. damnit! i don't know what to do and i think that i won't end up going which sucks!! i *still* have never been to the weho halloween extravaganza. damnit! i could go now and find people there but as it is i can't get a hold of rick on his cell....and just now as i was typing this rick called back and he's actually returning from weho. so scratch that. i guess i missed it all. boo! but i had a good time with the guy so that's good enough for me. this weekend has been madness anyway. so yea. peace out napoleon.