we're talking soon. i'm scared. this weekend i went from sad to ok to fine to ok back to sad. just because i'm scared. it's a presumptuous sadness i'm getting right now. *sigh*

justin called! we will be having our chat tomorrow. i'm glad he called. i really didn't expect him to call this soon. i can't tell anything by his tone as to what he is thinking. which i guess is good. so that way i don't panic or anything. i hope this isn't the end all. that would be sad. but i fear it could be. we shall see what happens. i insisted we not be in public because i hate having important/emotional conversations in public. it's just downright silly! kyla agrees. and we notice that many men want shit done in public. always ask to do it over coffee. fuck that. no way. altho we decided we would get coffee and take it somewhere else. that way we can have something to fidget with. haha anticipating the awkward silences. that was my call.

anyway, josh just called! haven't talked to him in ages. i was just thinking that the other day too. it's been too long! and by too long i mean a few weeks. and before justin called i was talking to zareh about my project. been on the fone for hours its seems. goodness gracious. but i showed him my project. my typographic self-portrait. and here is what i came up with. i hope the teacher approves because i like it and don't want to change it.

the bottom words are illegible at this size but they read from left to right:

bathroom, bed, books, calendar, car, cds, closet, computer, desk, drawers, dvds, photos, purse, wallet

basically the grid on the poster is laying on top of the words at the top. the words at the top represent my inner chaos. the chaos i deal with daily. i'm always panicking about something. freaking out. etc etc. the grid is the structure in my life. my possessions. everything i deal with daily that is mine is structured because that's how i want it to be. that's how i need it to be. but emotionally inside i am not structured. i'm not so chaotic that i'm all over the place which is why the words are all together yet in a chaotic manner. those words are beneath the structure and the words at the bottom are on top. because they are a part of the structure i have created for myself. anyway, that's the gist of it. and this came out of the whole justin thing because it made me realize that yes, this is how i am. i am chaos underneath my structure. zareh thought it made sense. i hope others do. and i hope the teacher approves it.

procrastinatin my life away....

i found this on myspace. someone posted it. i couldn't resist posting it here. it's quite possibly the most horrible thing ever. or something close to that. it kinda makes me sick looking at it. haha

i'm home alone and bored. not wanting to do my work. wishing there was someone around to distract me. *sigh* i don't feel like chatting either cuz it's hard to type without your middle finger. this is already bad enough!

my cough persists and it sucks. but my throat no longer hurts. i just have this nagging dry cough. u'd think i was a fucking smoker or something.

i've been thinking about it a bit. and i think this shittiness that has occured this weekend has made me realize how much i do like justin. cuz now that i "can't" call him, i miss him. how sad huh? *sigh*

i did my laundry today and totally forgot about it in the dryer. it was there for like 2 hours! someone took it out and placed it on the counter. rightly so. it was in there for fuckin forever. i've never done that before. i think i just got too into my work. jesus!

i downloaded that new bright eyes song, "road to joy" because jen came over earlier and one of the songs from the album was playing because it's on this sampler i have. she mentioned the album and so i thought i should download that one song because i like it. but now having listened to it a couple times i realize it reminds me all too much of justin for various reasons. and seeing as how he hasn't called me yet (i don't expect he will for awhile sadly...) i'm still "on edge" so to speak. and hearing that song doesn't help. so i think i'll have to take out of rotation for now. so sad...

had a good chat with kyla earlier today as well. i told her about justin and she had a different perspective than others had because of her boy situation. as i was telling her the story i realized that and it was totally clicking and she was totally agreeing. it was quite interesting. i miss our chats. i miss our everything! she was talking about shopping the other day and god how i miss that with her. we had the best shopping runs. oh the good ole days....*sigh*

alright, so to tell what happened this weekend. first i'll start with last nite. it was girl's night out. good times. it was jen, jessica, sami, stacey, amanda, hoda, and me. it was totally spur of the moment too. jen just called all of us and was like, let's go out. so we did. good times! we went to the golden gopher which is this bar downtown. it was a cool place. we just sat and talked. gossiped about boys. the latest news. it was sort of like a tv show or something. like sex in the city without the sex. haha we planned some events too. glow in the dark mini golf next weekend followed by sake bombing the week after....in our underwear. yes, everyone must wear underwear! it'll be for sami's bday. i can't wait. emails will be going out shortly about such events. woo! so that was last night.

the night before, however, was not so easy going. i won't get into details because that's just not even relevant. but the jist is this. i had dinner with justin. it was fine. but then i sensed something was off. call it women's intuition. but i sensed it. he didn't say anything was wrong so the night ran it's course. jessica came with us to the shortstop where justin's friends were going. we all had a decent time. it was a bit awkward for me. i knew something was up. when the night ended we took jessica home and then justin took me home. but it was clear there was something wrong because he didn't want to spend the night with me. so i brought all of this up. we had a long talk about it. the conclusion was that he's not over another girl. i was upset because it felt like a cop out. and the talk came WAAAAY too soon. record time! 1.5 wks! but i just felt the need cuz i knew something was wrong. better sooner than later. it was shitty and i felt shitty and i think he did too. so then yesterday i talked with people about it. found out more information. now i feel better because i understand where he is coming from. i've been there. in many ways. both with will and dan. and now i'm not upset. but it is a shitty situation. and so i want to talk to him again about it because i have more to say. my wanting it to be so black and white that night was out of hurt and trying to protect myself. and now i realize it doesn't necessarily have to be that way. but it depends on things. so that's why i want to talk. i don't want this to be the end all. and i don't *think* he does either. but i don't know. so yea. i'm waiting for him to call me because i know that he isn't the best on the fone and whatnot and i don't want to catch him off guard and then have a crappy conversation. i want him to be ready to talk to me. so i wait. in the meantime, i produce some art for class. because out of all of that i clearly saw who i was. and i wanted to do a self-portrait with words and no images. and i was having trouble summing myself up. but out of that came clarity. so i'm forming my piece now. and i hope it turns out well. we shall see.

whoa. i feel SOOO much better. more on this later....it's girls night OUT!

out of pain comes art!

i wanted to cry. but i couldn't. until now...

i'm feeling down and uninspired. i'm also hungry. what a lousy predicament.

the portfolio is looking real nice. i've got all the pages laid out and i think they are just about in the form i want them to be. just gotta figure out a couple more pages that i am not ready to make because they will consist of the work i am doing this quarter. then i have to repaginate the whole thing, print a dummy book, and send it to the printer where they will rape me in the ass for printing and ripping fees. oh and then i have to design a slick cover. simple yet expressive.

i just got my credit card bill today. one of my credit card bills that is. and goddamn it was HIGH! all the costs i have incurred over the past month. holy mother of god. i think this is the highest credit card bill i've ever paid. i'm so broke it ain't even pretty.

i don't know what's going on tonight but if i don't get to see justin i think i may just have to give up on the boy. cuz the less i see him the more i lose interest. it's sad but true. so i'll call his ass later and see what's up. for now, back to work!

boy did i go thru a slump earlier tonight. after i found out about beck and then the former crush, i decided that the one thing that would make me feel better was having justin come over to watch a movie with me. but then when he called me back he said he was too tired and didn't want to come over. i didn't admit that i was disappointed, but i was. and it wasn't his fault either. cuz really it was my own internal mess. but i got all pissy. and now it's all settled and calmed as i ate my dinner and chatted with the roommates. it's for the best anyway. i've got a lot of work to do. but still. BOO!

beck is playing a charity show tonight at the henry fonda and i'm not going! UGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! i just found out. if i had gone into the office earlier this week i bet i would be going to that show tonight. but i'm so out of the loop that i can't go now. fuck! i will NEVER get to see beck. =( and to top it off, the former crush has a gf. i suspected this around the time he found out about my blog. and now i know it's true cuz i saw her! i mean it doesn't matter but yet it still does. gah. i think that's why he stopped being playful with me. not because he was weirded out but because he has a gf. gah. whatever. today has all of a sudden turned into a shitty day. and i'm still sick. well my throat hurts still. the rest of me is pretty good. gah!!! i hope justin comes over tonight to watch a movie with me. we said we'd play it by ear depending on how i feel but now i'm just all in a crappy mood and want him to come regardless...

i feel like i'm losing touch with ollie and i don't know if this is actually true, but the thought of it bothers me. i think it's a combination of a few things. 1) him being busy and not being around as much. 2) me being sick. 3) me working really hard on my projects. 4) taking less initiative with him because i have to focus my energies (what little spare ones i have) on justin. i suppose this is natural with all friendships but i still feel bad. i mean i feel equally as bad that i haven't seen or talked to brian in probably 2 wks! and we just live down the street from each other! i keep telling myself that once i finish school i will finally be free of all the reigns on my homelife. and by that i mean homework. because regardless of my job situation (which once i graduate will be nil and void) i won't have any pesky homework. so i'll finally (for the first time in my LIFE!) be able to do whatever the hell i want when i'm at home. unless i become a permanent freelancer like rick. which i doubt but who knows. but even then i'll get to choose my free time. so finally i will have time that i truly mine rather than time that is mine but needs to be spent doing homework. god that will be SOOOO weird. i'm not sure what i'll do! maybe finally get around to learning flash and doing this painting i've been wanting to do. who the fuck knows. first i know i'll be going home to relax in san fran for about a week. i need it. then the job search (with my newly bound portfolio which is going to look rad i do believe) begins....gah!

the facebook is done! well except for the slipcover. it looks great! it's totally a real book. so cool. and my finger is doing better. still gross and bandaged but at least now when i take the gauze off it doesn't stick to the open skin and hurt. so that's a plus! can't wait to make my portfolio. i found some awesome paper for the cover and i'm really stoked on it. woo! now if only this nasty cold would just go away...

gah. i'm sick! i knew i was getting the cold. this BLOWS.

why am i still awake? it's cuz i slept on the couch for a few hours. now i feel a bit sick. like my nose is dripping back to my throat. gah. i hope i'm not getting sick! i think i've been fending off a cold for awhile. it'd be a shitty time to get sick tho due to this finger issue. it hurts underneath all that bandage. god this sucks. oh well. what can ya do?

i talked to justin tonight. we had a nice little chat. he was tired and had a few beers so he was sorta "woozy" sounding. i said that to him just cuz i wanted to say woozy. haha he's so cute. i enjoyed our convo. he's just got the dryest sense of humor ever. good lord. sometimes u just can't tell if he's beening sarcastic or truthful. anyhoo, we have plans to watch napoleon dynamite sometime this week. no concrete plans tho. he said he's got a lot of stuff to do. and by that he means a lot of self-imposed tasks like making a website for his friend and whatnot. tasks that are always lingering over your shoulder and u want to get done but never finish on time because there is no firm deadline. i can tell these tasks are beginning to bother him and so i don't wanna get in the way of them cuz i don't want him to resent me for taking up his time. so yea.

god this entry took ages to type. with just one finger out of commision it makes typing that much harder!!!

i sliced the tip of my finger off today in class while using an xacto knife! it's like one of a graphic desigher's worst fears...haha well not really but i had always heard about stuff like that and then it happened to me today. took a good chunk out. bled profusely throughout class. when i got home i took a nap and dreamt about it. probably becasue i'm paranoid and because i had bandaged it up so tightly i was slightly losing circulation to my finger! but then rick helped me bandage it again as my dad ordered and i think it'll be ok. it's just gonna take awhile to heal. i took out a decent chunk. NASTY! it's gonna make working harder for awhile with this bandage contraption on my hand. oh well. c'est la vie.

oh man. i just cleaned out the fridge/freezer. woooweee. there was some old ass nasty shit in there. this is what happens when people just stuff shit in and push everything to the back. things get lost! i cleared out like 2+ bags full of crap. of course i can't throw it out in the dumpster because it's pouring outside. freakin eh. i like the rain but i know it's just gonna cause a headache for me tomorrow when driving to school since people don't know how to drive in the rain here.

holy mother of god i haven't left my computer! i'm home alone working on my portfolio. i can't say that i feel lonely because i'm so engrossed it's unbelievable. i've been working on it all day. i think i finally got a rhythm which is good. the pages are starting to look more cohesive. thankfully! this is just a rough draft anyway. i'll show my teacher and see what she says. not to mention i'll have a few more pieces to stick in there after i finish my senior project. gah! i haven't even put in my photography either!! this thing is going to be a HUGE bitch to paginate too. cuz i've decided to go with signatures and that's always a fucking nightmare. but i'll worry about that once i've got every single page laid out. until then it's just pointless to even worry anyway. i wonder how the folks are doing in vegas.

i'm on a roll. sorta....the portfolio is taking shape and i think i am basically scrapping the entire first draft i had made of it. i dunno what to do really. i sort of like what i've got. it seems like there is no way to please myself with this thing. everything is and will, the time being, be disjointed. so there isn't any real way to make it all go together. gah!!!

i keep thinking about justin which is both good and bad. good cuz it's nice to think about someone u like and get all excited over them. bad because i fear it's way too soon to really like him. and if that sounds fucking retarded then step into my shoes for a month and u'll see why i think that way. i can't hold down a relationship past a month to save my life. so i feel like i can't really like a guy until at least a month has passed. now if that isn't sad then i don't know what is...

i haven't gotten anything done!! i know it hasn't been that long since i last posted but i called justin and he didn't answer and then my dad called so i talked to him for a long while. we had a nice chat. i like talking to my dad in spurts. if we had to talk everyday i'd have a cow. but when we talk like once every couple weeks it's nice. then justin called me back and said that he's playing monopoly at his house. god i haven't played that game in SOOOOO long. no one ever wants to play. but now i really want to. i wanna get a game of drunken monopoly going. that would rock. i wonder if other people would wanna do that? cuz i totally would be down. i'm such a geek.

very full. doughboys is always excellent. dinner with ollie was par for the course. we always have good conversation. i miss that. i felt awkward only because this is the first time i've hung out with ollie and not had some sort of interest in him. and granted i have hung out with him since he broke up with me, but still i always had that interest lingering in the back of my head. and tonight i didn't cuz i was actually thinking about justin. and ollie doesn't know about justin cuz i didn't tell him. cuz i don't really know what to say. especially since i don't want to jinx it! *sigh* i kinda wish i could hang out with him right now actually cuz i've decided i will not go to shaun's party when it's pouring outside. that's just silly. i bet a lot of people will feel that way. sorta sucks for the party. but what can ya do. it's fuckin pouring buckets out there! i should probably do a lot of work on my portfolio anyway. it's necessary. i had a good chat with zareh about it cuz i was having a panic. a mid-portfolio crisis as he called it. haha i think i've got some ideas now so i suppose it's best that i hop to them. and i think i'm gonna turn the heat on in the house cuz no one is home and i'm cold!

i dreamt that my book wasn't made correctly. u can imagine my fear when i awoke.

i'm going to have dinner with ollie tonight. doughboys....mmmm....

shaun's party is tonight. i think i'll make a quick appearance. justin isn't going. probably best. not good to see each other too much. just makes u sick of the person. and i don't want that.

i can't focus on my work. it's frustrating.

justin and i went to the shortstop last nite and took these photos. i went there once before and we took photos but those turned out super dark and crappy so i never posted them. but these turned out alright. isn't he precious?

anyway, first we went to the brass monkey cuz one of his coworkers was there for his bday. i am not a huge fan of that place only cuz the other time i went there the waitress was a bitch to us. and its a karaoke place and i'm not into karaoke. but i had a good time watching others sing. justin's roommate jay came too cuz he works with justin and the guy who's bday it was. after that we went to the shortstop and by then it was pouring outside. good thing i brought my umbrella! justin didn't want to use it but he was a fool cuz we would have been drenched otherwise. some of his other friends were there including daria boy, now seen as john lennon. haha i had a decent time. we went back to his place this time because i didn't want to battle parking over here, especially in the rain.

i still feel all awkward with justin just cuz it's so early on. i like him and all but i don't know what he's thinking and i don't really know where we stand. and i'm ok with that. i know that this time around i'm going to take it really slow cuz with ollie i just sorta jumped into it and then look what happened. i got hurt quickly. not this time. not letting that happen.

ugh i can't motivate myself right now. my brain is mush. horrible! i'm starting to doubt the color choices i made for my face book cover. gah! too late now. it's already in production. i'm going to make a dust cover for it and it's just going to be colors. i found this rad image online of just color and i'm going to use that. but i'm thinking i'll have to do some photoshopping to the colors to make it match the colors i chose for my book a little better. which i guess will be alright. i just hope i can get it to match well enough.

i wanna see justin again soon. everyone is gonna be gone this weekend. well not everyone but a lot of people. my house will feel empty. i think i'll see what justin's up to and see if he wants to do something. i was thinking about my past interactions with him and i think the first time i ever had a lot about liking him was at jen and sami's greek/persian food thing. i remember internally sulking over ollie and chatting with justin who was laying on the floor near my feet. i think i remember going home thinking about him just ever so slightly. then i sorta let it all go and then when he had his bday celebs at the bar i remember thinking about him again and how he was so precious that nite all drunk. i remember he kissed me on the cheek when we left...or rather as we were all trying to leave cuz he wouldn't let go of us. =) and now here it is. a couple months later and the boy's spending the nite. who woulda thunk? haha

ollie just flaked on me for dinner. what a fucker. =P

the office marathon was a success in more ways than one. ;) i was totally nervous like i thought i would be. i mean not freaking out nervous. just inwardly nervous. first kisses always make me nervous. especially when i'm expecting them. when u are sorta caught off guard (ie. u think u have no chance with the boy) u cant worry. but when u think it might be coming, u have a chance to get all nervous and worked up about it. and that's how i was. i guess it was comical in a way but whatever. i felt ridiculous. when we woke up this morning to his alarm for work, we were both so fucking tired cuz neither of us got good sleep. and i attribute this to the fact that i (and i assume he) haven't slept in the same bed as someone for a decent while now. so i'm used to taking the whole bed and whatnot and not dealing with another body there. hopefully next time will go more smoothly. haha i don't really have an assessment of the entire situation because i'm not certain what to say. spending all this time with him recently i've realized he's not as quiet and chill and i thought he was. which is good. he's still got his dry ass humor which is nice. i just swear i'm too loud and outgoing for him. but i dunno. maybe he doesn't care. we didn't have any discussion about anything related to the idea of dating. which i'm glad because i swear to god that just mucks shit up. so i think i'll just proceed with caution and go with the flow.

i think this ad is hot. and no i am not a lesbian. i love polaroids and the girl is pretty. so the ad is appealing to me. i just found it in the new issue of rolling stone so i scanned it in.

just got back from the bookbinder. cory and i got our books printed and then took them to the woman and chose the colors for our covers and the inlay paper. fun stuff. expensive stuff. but it'll look really nice. i'm excited. the books will be ready next week! i can't wait. i mean i basically know what it looks like cuz i've seen all the pages and whatnot, but i haven't seen it in true book form. and that will be exciting for sure.

tonight justin is coming over and we are watching the office. it'll be a marathon. sorta like that me and kyle did when he visited me. god it was awesome. it was sad when it was over. but now there is the christmas special too! i'm admittedly a little nervous. but whatever.

holy mother of god. this project is costing a serious small fortune. i don't even want to post the costs i've incurred because they are so high it sounds ludicrous. but i did cut costs one way today by paying for a proof which was perfect in the end so the proof cost less than the actual printing and i can use my proof set to make one of the books. but still. holy fucking shit. i've spent so much money in the past like month with buying a new scanner and paying for coachella as well as this project that i'm like so broke. so people better not give me shit if i opt out of events. cuz i just don't have the cash to go! thank god i can't go to vegas cuz i wouldn't be able to afford it anyway! =/

last nite rick and i watched eternal sunshine of the spotless mind together. we forgot that in the movie they mention valentine's day. haha i have to say it didn't blow me away the way it did the first time i saw it. but then again, how could that really happen once i know what is going to happen? it still was really awesome though and i loved it. so while i had no super duper vday plans, at least i had a good time with rick.

whoa. looking thru the list of people in my facebook i've made out/dated 7 of the guys in it. i'll refrain from using names but i'm sure most of u that know me well enough can name all 7. goddamn. how strange. i keep in touch with way too many of my past boy interactions. good lord!

oh and here's a photo of me passed out on justin's lap at jessica's party. aww...

happy singles' awareness day!

man o man. this vday has been a bit surreal. only because i have interracted with far too many men from my past. basically my day went like this. got up and went to kelly paper right when they opened at 7:30 sharp. like i was waiting outside. i got my expensive ass paper. utopia, cs plus, 100# text, dull coated. costs like $0.12/sheet. me and cory split 1000 sheets. this is some nice ass paper tho. feels really good. haha anyway, so i got the paper and went to class. so i mean i guess #1 interaction was cory. but i don't even see it that way cuz we now act like we are brother and sister or two people that have known each other for years. but still, call it for what it's worth. he is a past boy interaction. anyway, so we got our shit ready for print and goddamn it looks good. this facebook is going to cost a small ass fortune but it will look nice in the end.

after the first class we all got lunch and then went to our second class where who should i see on this fine fine valentine's day. noah fuckin caldwell. bloody fuck! i haven't seen him in AGES!!! we were supposed to have lunch a long time ago and never did. i knew he cut his hair and i've seen it from afar but omg. he looks TOTALLY different. totally lost all his mojo with this short hair. it's like james in england. cut the hair and lose the mojo. haha his head looks small now! it's funny and not very cute. we had our usual interaction of making lose plans to do something. but we both know it won't happen cuz he's the flakiest mutherfucka there is. even cory knows about noah and his flakiness and was saying shit while we were talking. noah looked all confused. it was great!

then after class cory and i went to get our shit printed. and man it will look good i think. then i went to see will at his bike shop. we said we were gonna exchange shitty cheesy valentine's. so we did. it was great. we had a nice little chat. he'll be at shaun's party on saturday so i'll see him then. i must just remind myself over and over that he's hot and nothing will amount to it. and i don't want to do what i did to him before but with justin. cuz i see this justin thing potentially panning out (i will explain more in a bit) and i don't want justin to be the will of year's past. and will to be the SC john. that would mean i didn't learn my lesson! but admittedly, every time i see will i see myself slip a little in thought just cuz i do find him so attractive. but i then remind myself of the lesson i learned and then i'm ok. not to mention he made out with sami! what if something were to start there. *i* cannot muck that up.

as i was driving home in SHITTY ASS TRAFFIC, i decided to text message some people happy vday. one of which was john cuz last year he messaged me so i thought it would be a nice gesture. i figured he was in AZ cuz i had heard thru some people that he went out there randomly. but as it turns out he came back here. he called me back and told me he met this chick out there and he brought her back to LA cuz she had never seen it. and then they are going back to AZ where he will live out there til the end of next month. i dont know what the fuck that boy is doing with his life but thank god he's basically out of my life. cuz he's all over the fucking place.

after i got home from driving in SHITTY ASS FUCKING TRAFFIC, i took a nap. my nap ended when justin called me. we set a plan to watch the second season and xmas special of the office on wednesday over beers. rick said that watching something with him would be a good way to possibly break the ice and conquer the friendzone line. so hopefully it will work. seeing as how not too long ago justin and i never spoke to each other aside from group settings and now we speak nearly daily, i see this as a good sign and it's all going to happen in due time. it's just not as outright because we are "friends" and it's harder to break that barrier. anyway, so i am happy about this. and a little nervous. oooh the butterflies! they are bittersweet.

after talking to justin i then caught ollie online who said i would be his valentine this year. haha i asked for my cheesy paper valentine but he could not produce one. we agreed to have dinner at doughboys on thursday because we both feel like we haven't seen each other in ages. and by that we probably mean a week and a half.

and that has been my vday. surreal indeed. too many boys. gah. it's cuz i can't hold down anything! so i just have a slew of past interactions. and now i am sitting here alone in the house talking to my dad online. my vday is just loaded with fun huh?

ah they did make out! good good. my plan of bringing new blood worked!

i still don't know what to do about justin even after consultation. i guess i'll just take it as it goes. that's what people seem to think. that and get us both drunk. haha

a random tidbit i forgot to mention from last nite. the jamiroquai song from napoleon dynamite came on during the party and i yelled out to will and he heard the song and i asked if he knew the dance to it and he did. and he got up in front of all of us and shined like a bright star in the sky. he did like half the dance and it was amazing. i was so into it. goddamn that was hot. haha

oh and 5 people were noticeably absent from the party. ollie, brian, tinna, dwayne, and joe guy. ollie and brian had good excuses. ollie went up to norcal to see his friend because she's having a hard time and it was a last minute thing. brian was apparently working til like 2am which sucked ass. but the other 3 said they'd be there and weren't. not sure why. i'm sure they had good reasons.

i try to live my life such that i don't regret anything. and for the most part this has worked out well. it's definitely true what they say -- it's not the things u do that u regret, it's the things u don't do. and i definitely regret not dating will properly the first time around. goddamn. i was foolish. so foolish. and i even knew at the time i was fucking it up. i remember when we went to that concert together i called ky from the bathroom and said "this guy is really cute and really nice. i just know i'm gonna fuck it up cuz of john." and it was true. that very nite i went over to john's and spent the nite. god i was so stupid. will couldn't wait forever for my ass to get it together. anyway, last nite he came to jessica's party and he was lookin hot as usual. and shit came out here and there about our past and i just kicking myself over it. i mean i'm ok with it overall cuz it's totally run it's course and it's just not meant to be, as exemplified by our second go around with the dating thing. but still. regrets indeed. regrets... but he and sami seemed to hit it off well. or so i think. i'll have to ask him about this later. or ask her. so that's good. i said he was new blood for the group and i figured someone would dig him cuz he's nice and hot. all my friends seemed to think he was cool so we'll all have a smashing time at coachella. but yea. regrets...

meanwhile...justin. i think i'm growing to like this boy. i didn't hit the bottle quite like i thought i would last nite but i was sufficiently drunk. not drunk enough to attempt to make any moves but drunk enough to pass out on his lap for a few hours. he ended up taking me home at like 4:30 and i had no thoughts on how to get him to spend the nite. so i didn't even try. but i called him this morning and we went out and had coffee in the larchmont area for like 3 hours. it was fun. i enjoy his company and i think he's cute. not hot. cute. but i don't really know how to approach this. i think i need to consult others. i'm usually pretty good about just going for it and asking someone out. but that's usually with someone i don't really know and don't really consider my "friend." i feel like if i don't do something soon or we'll just slide right into the friendzone. and that's no good. ah yes. i must consult others.

i'm kinda glad ollie decided to go up to norcal at the last minute this weekend because if he was there as well as will and justin, my brain might have exploded. i would have been pulled in so many directions. cuz i mean honestly the whole night i was thinking, "god will's hot. i totally would love to hook up with him again." meanwhile thinking, "justin is really awesome. if i even attempted to hook up with will, he'll think i'm totally not interested. what to do?" if ollie was there i also would have been like, "fuck ollie is so rad. why did he dump me? would he ever take me back? ah i can't think that way. it'll fuck up other prospects." goddamn it's not good to have ex's running around at parties. dan was there too! but dan is so long ago that we've dealt with all that back and forth bullshit years ago. so at least that's not one other person to worry about. anyway...time to do some work.

last nite we went to the art show that i found out about called "the pain of love." it was nice. small show. i liked some of the pieces a lot. my fave was by this guy named luke chueh. it's sorta cute yet dark. i wish i could afford one of his pieces cuz i'd really like one on my wall. there was this girl there that i totally recognize and she totally recognized me and i cannot for the life of me place where i know her from. i'm pretty sure at this point that i know her from SC. but still. it bothers me to not know exactly. i figured out her name is elizabeth cuz he's the founder of this art program. and when i went to the website i also found that this other guy from SC is involved and he used to work on program board. so now i'm thinking she might have worked on program board. but i really just don't know. god it bothers me! oh well. one day i'll figure it out and it'll be that orgasmic headrush when it happens. until then....

off to jessica's party!

me and cory just went to the bookbinding place today and god there are so many choices. it's fucking awesome. we got really excited about our books. and then we went to kelly paper and ordered the particular paper we want for our books. we had a moment with one of the workers there when we were all standing there feeling the various papers and comparing. so funny. god we are nerds. i'm getting all excited and nervous cuz i want this shit to turn out well and i always get scared when i take a job to the printers that it'll turn out bad. but yea. we'll see. anyway, off to the office to do some interning.

followed jessica around all day today and had a really good time actually. wasn't nearly as bored as i thought i would be. in fact since i busied myself all day i really wasn't bored at all. a bit tired but not bored. the office is nice and the people are cool. got loads of photos. good stuff for the project. and it was fun to spend a day with jessica. today is adam's bday so we're all gonna go out for a bit with him when he gets off work. fun fun. i'm tired so i won't be much energy but c'est la vie. tomorrow cory and i are going to the bookbinding place! woo! can't wait. and yes that is as nerdy as it fuckin gets. haha

i flip flop btwn panicking and being calm about my portfolio and senior project. right now i feel calm cuz cory came over and we fleshed it out after a good bite to eat at doughboys. we also called the bookbinding place and they seem really good. they said they know how to bind the way we want to bind our portfolio. so that's encouraging. we're gonna go check out the place on friday so we can get a heads up on what the hell to do. so right now i feel good cuz it seems like i know what the hell is going on. and i just finished the first draft of the freelance thing i'm working on so that's good. out of the way for now.

gung hay fat choy

happy new year! chinese new year that is. it's the year of the rooster which is my year. this past year was pretty damn good. maybe this year will be even better! i started it off by skipping class today. haha i was just so damned tired and knew that i'd do NOTHING in class. we didn't have class in the lab and all my work surrounds using the lab and retouching my face photos. so fuck that. i didn't go. and apparently i didn't miss much either so that's good. yesterday night i continued my follow along with rick and went to his company meeting. the company that he and 5 others started. since i know them all i won't put any searchable terms in here. it was quite interesting to observe their meeting and their group dynamics. there were points were i totally wanted to interject but of course i didn't because it's not my company. but i definitely got a bit worked up inside at times. i just woke up about 30 minutes ago and cory is coming over here so we can have lunch at doughboys. i can't say i'm too excited because my stomach isn't at 100% right now. totally blows cuz i LOVE doughboys. but what can ya do? much work needs to be completed today. tomorrow i'm following jessica around. all of this photo taking is wearing me down i swear. driving around place to place. following people. too much. haha

today i've been following rick around all day. it's been fun! it's interesting to spend a whole day with someone and watch all the random things they do. even down to how rick eats his cereal. so far julie came over to get some dvds he finished for her. then we went to get a beta tape transferred to mini dv. then we had some lunch at home. then went to a park with zach and played frisbee and "hot potato" with the collapsable frisbee. and now we're home waiting for someone to come over with more tapes. good times so far. i'm scared i won't do the piece justice. i'm trying to get the best photos possible so the catalog looks interesting. hopefully it will work out.

portfolio is going more smoothly. me and cory have a much better handle on it all and we sorta know how we wanna make it work. we figured out a way to make it expandable too which is cool. i may just end up buying that damned $300 printer after all. we'll see.

today has been such a blur. i went to school tired as fuck and then left school tired as fuck. got home and took a nap which was longer than it should have been. devin came over so i could snap his photo. then justin came over and we went out to dinner rather than coffee cuz neither of us had eaten. i had a good time. i feel like he wasn't as quiet this time altho i still did a major portion of the talking. i'm so on the fence with this boy. i remember after the whole ollie thing ended i was all about making the attempt with justin. but then that sorta fizzled after i decided he wasn't loud enough and didn't express himself verbally enough. too much in the shadows. too quiet. too chill. and i still felt that way when i hung out with him at the bar a few weeks ago. but i dunno. i had a good time tonight. still on the fence. it's like he's cute and all and cool. but i feel like i just have waaaaay too much energy for him. so i dunno about making this attempt. the jury's still out.

super bowl. meh. who cares. the patriots won i heard. i went to the co-worker's place and it was nutso. everyone was dressed as crazy ass make-your-own superheros. it was so funny. i just wore a make-shift cape. i wasn't into it. the (former) crush was there. i'm positive he knows. i swear he is weirded out by me now. whatever. i don't care. this whole week i have a lot of shit to do. getting my portfolio together is a lot harder than one would imagine. figuring out what order to put everything in and how to lay it out. bloody hell!!

the whole lot of us going to coachella decided to go out last nite and celebrate phase 1 completion: buying tickets. haha we are such nerds. we decided to go to the roost. i quite like that bar. the drinks are cheap and strong. they have popcorn and booths. and the lighting is red to help mask the redness in my face! haha

there was this guy there who went to usc and i recognized him. he used to hang out with liv and he was a filmic writer i think. i recognized him but didn't say anything and i could tell him and his friends were looking over at me and my friends. so as it was getting time to leave he comes up to me and asks me if i went to usc cuz i look familiar. i said yes and how i recognized him etc etc. so we chatted a bit. then his friends come over. i don't know if the point of all of this was to get me talking with his friend. it sorta seemed that way but i wasn't sure. and i didn't care. cuz after his friends (well mainly the one guy) started speaking, i could tell they were lame. i think he was really drunk. or else he was just so fucking lame. i can't handle lame guys and i basically do a lot of eye rolling and mocking. i have no shame. don't be a retarded ass to me. i don't have time for that. and don't call my friend "specs." he called justin that! that was just lame and uncalled for.

in the midst of talking to them i realized that this other dude i know was sitting in the booth by the door. i'm sure that by the end of the nite he saw me but let's just say i'm avoiding him for particular reasons. the backstory is irrelevant and long but yea. it was shitty. so when we all left i had justin walk with me another way and whatnot. it was silly. but eh. do whatcha gotta do. all in all the night was fun. i'm feeling old these days. like i don't have the desire to go nuts with the alkie. i guess that's a good thing. i dunno. this weekend is jessica's vday party. i'm excited about that. today is the super bowl. couldn't care less. gonna go over to a co-worker's house for a party. i'll only be there probably about half the time. got a lot of shit to do today. gah!

after some system malfunctions (ie, ticketmaster totally crashing) we all have tickets to coachella!! woo! i'm not as excited about it as i was last year cuz i was sooooooo excited to see radiohead. but it will still be lots of fun. all the great music. the sweat. the dirt. all good times. i haven't seen coldplay since i was in england sophomore year. it'll be like 4 years since i've seen them! and my how they've grown. i saw them at a small gen admin venue in manchester and now they are headlining coachella! and they've sold out the hollywood bowl and whatnot in the past. how exciting.

the photo project is drawing to a close in it's first phase. i'm nearly done snapping all my photos. just a couple more left. i'm up to 65. so i'm basically ready to call it quits. just wanna get in a few more folks for the sake that i want them in the book. not to increase the numbers per se. then i can start designing that book. meanwhile next week i gotta follow jessica and rick around each for one whole day. they will be my subjects for that part of the project. i figure having 2 will be good cuz they are extremes in terms of job lifestyle. hers is very straightforward and his is very chaotic. she's a female and he's a male. it will work out well for a nice compare and contrast piece. i haven't decided if i'll make one catalog that splits in the middle and each half is upside from the other. u know how sometimes catalogs do that and the female and male sections are split like that. my 3rd piece was supposed to be the postcards of wallets and desks but now i'm thinking i need to inject myself into this project somehow so i think i might scrap that part and do some sort of type intensive self-portrait piece. not really sure what to do yet. gotta flesh it out some more.

good god. EVERYONE seems to be getting engaged. luckily no one from my close group of friends is. i'd just shit myself. let's see. AE and jared. barry and lindsey. apolka and her boy (i shant say what i think cuz i'm not certain her and anyone she knows closely reads this). gabriel and sarah. and shaun's bandmate and his gf. good god! granted i don't know any of these folks THAT well. but still. it's the first wave. i know i'll be in the last wave. *sigh*

typical fucking LA. so i was driving to the bank and i saw this couple walking down the street. they were early 30s probably. holding hands. being sorta cute. (as cute as 30 year olds can be) yet the woman had one of those cell phone earpieces in her ear. so here they are. cute couple walking down the street. and the woman is ready to take a call at any moment. totally ruin their walk. wtf? goddamn LA. maybe i'm just bitter cuz i'm without a boyfriend and i would never walk around with him with an earpiece in my ear. hell, i don't use those damn things ever anyway. but u get my drift.

last nite i went to dan's place to reshoot him and joe and in the end i totally fell asleep on dan's bed. apparently all sprawled out. oops! i don't really remember when i fell asleep. i guess i just stopped talking and konked out. oh well.

wow. i can't remember what time it was, but i totally crashed out last nite. i was so dead tired from waking up at 6:30am after getting only like 5 hours of sleep and then driving around the city all day snapping photos. i think i just like came home and then laid down for a second and completely crashed. consequently i woke up way before my alarm is supposed to go off. ah, c'est la vie. gives me more time to work on crap. gonna go into the office today finally. i wonder if anyone will remark on my absence. i hope not. altho if they do i will explain my project to them. especially since i have to leave the office for a few hours in the middle of the day to snap some more and pick up the 2 rolls i turned in yesterday. crossing my fingers that they turn out well.

i'm pooped. i'm up to 60 faces and only about 10 more to go. i've got few scheduled for tomorrow. woo! still gotta do a few more after that and a couple reshoots. bloody hell! i filled up my tank again today. it's been less than a week. but even with all the shitty LA traffic driving i've done over the past few days, i still managed to squeeze out an average of 23 miles per gallon! not too shabby. since saturday i've driven about 300 miles roughly. 50 or so were today alone. it's fuckin nuts. haha oh well. everyone else in the class hasn't even started on their project at all. but i also think i am the most ambitious with the number of photos i want. so yea. other people are snapping photos of random stuff but i doubt it will be nearly as many photos as me. what can i say, i like taking photos. if i ever go back to school again i'm gonna get a masters in photography.

i just got back from taking joe guy's photo. he's so damned cute. so much energy for life. i love it. he's gonna be around more i think now that we've got his email. we can get him in the loop. he'll be at jessica's vday party too. maybe we can bond over our singleness. haha i honestly wouldn't mind making the attempt to ask him out. i'd feel funny cuz we are sorta friends but eh. whatever. maybe i'll give it a go. i dunno. i invited will to the party already and he's technically my valentine. since we agreed already. but whatever.

part of me, for a particular reason, thinks the crush isn't reading this but rather another certain person in the office. not really sure. don't really care anymore. but it just occured to me to be skeptical.

anyway, this photo project is putting me back in touch with a lot of folks i haven't seen in ages. it's great! last nite i went to andrea's place and i haven't seen her in months. she's so funny. her visit was by far the most amusing due to having so many technical difficulties and the way we dealt with it. good times. today i went to will's place and i haven't seen him since that halloween party. goddamn that boy is the hottest grungy boy i know. josh is hot and grungy but in a much different way. like will is the type of hot where others would agree he's hot. like typical people. josh appeals to the indie chicks. and what's awesome is that will doesn't give a shit about his appearance. his hair is always a mess. he's always got scrapes and cuts and bruises from his biking/triathalon stuff. he owns a fuckload of clothes yet he wears the same shit over and over. like today he was wearing jeans that he wrote all over and have duct tape on the holes. i was foolish to choose SC john over him. foolish! we wouldn't have dated too long i'm sure, but for the time we would have it would have been awesomely fun with hot sex. haha oh well. anyway, time to go snap more photos. fun fun.

ollie came over tonight and made the whole house a lovely lovely dinner. he had promised it back when we were dating and now he's finally fulfilling that promise. haha good stuff. everyone thoroughly enjoyed it. we had a good chat round the table too. aww...i really like ollie. he's great... =) while he was here we had a slew of other people here for random reasons. some were here so i could take their photos. we even had a dog! i love it when our house is filled with people unexpectedly. good times.

i got my 4 rolls of film back and only a few are fucked up. not too shabby. gotta do a few retakes. one of which was ollie's. for some reason his was grossly underexposed. my guess is i must not have adjusted my dial or something. i dunno. but no worries. i shot him tonight and he looked really cute so i think it'll turn out well. at least i hope so. i'm terribly excited about my project. i hope to finish shooting everyone by monday with the exception of the few folks who have specifically told me they wont be available til a certain date. that's ok cuz i can just snap then at that time and account for it when i begin designing the book and postcards. then i have to get cracking on following around a few folks for a day each. that will be taxing for me. but then all my source material will be done and i can start designing that. i hope to have those shadow days done next week. won't be heading back to norcal this weekend cuz ollie isn't gonna go. it's for the best really cuz even tho i'd snap a lot of people up there, it'd eat up a lot of my time.

this project has seriously become my life. and i sorta like that. makes me forget about all the bullshit. (and the fact that i'm terribly single.) it's also making my internship suffer. altho like i said before, might as well start to ween them off me. right? i'm still waiting for my tshirts that i designed to go into production. regardless of when i leave the office, i'll still be in contact with the tshirt guy cuz i gotta know when that all gets done so i can get my share of shirts to keep for record's sake. not to mention i think i might want to wear some of them. i know that'd be weird but what the fuck. i like them! haha