so....i went out with that dude from friendster yesterday. where to begin? from the beginning i guess. but, this will be the last detailed post about this boy i think. cuz i'm gonna try something new. i think i'm gonna try and refrain from posting much about him as an experiment. can i think of other shit to post that isnt related to a boy i like? we shall see. this may also prevent me from getting into shit i always get into when the boy finally finds the blog. haha so i will post this once and then see how i can do from there. most of the people that care i talk to regularly enough either in person or via email such that they will know what is going on if anything does in fact go on from this. but about the day...

he came and picked me up. i know i shouldn't have done that but from his profile and our convo on the fone, he just seemed nice and harmless. and he is. but yes i shouldn't have done that. oh well...it's like hitchhiking in a way. yet not. whatever. so he came and got me. he drives a nice car. i like it. a charcoal colored mazda 3. very cute. it's brand new. he got out of the car to give me a hug before we even went anywhere. so we set off for moca. parked. paid for parking. walked there. found out it's closed tues and wed. BUMMER. it was a gorgeous day outside too. so we decided to go to plan B. the ghetty. so we went there. chatted all thru traffic. i could tell already this guy was cool. if he didn't like me he was at least a good guy. very approachable and easy to talk to. i liked that.

we got to the ghetty and i was hungry. he suggested we get a quick bite and then get real food later. seeing as how it was going well i figured that was a good idea. so we ate PB&J's on the grassy slope and just talked. then walked around and looked at the crappy art. we stayed awhile and then left to get dinner. but it was early. so we took our time getting to doughboys. fought over whether i lived in hollywood or not. he lives in venice. he has no idea. haha got to 3rd street and walked around. went to one of my fave furniture stores where we decided how his room should transform and that i will help him. ate at doughboys. meanwhile bowling came up and i asked if he wanted to go. even tho i was scared it might be awkward. but he seemed to want to go. so why not? the day was going well. so we went home and got rick and went to bowling.

at bowling he met some of my friends. they all seemed to like him and he liked them. he's just a good guy i think. very nice and friendly. after 2 rounds of bowling we took rick home and then went to the roost cuz he swore it didn't exist since he's been to bigfoot a bunch of times but never to the roost. so i had to prove to him. so we went there and it was nice and chill. then i saw john from SC and it was awkward cuz we were basically pretending not to see each other. it's probably for the best. as a result tho i wanted to leave early. so we left around 1ish. we were gonna go get coffee but i was always exhausted from going from place to place that i didn't really want to. i was still enjoying his company and wasn't really tired physically but i was tired of going to so many places. as stacey pointed out, we had like 4 dates in 1. cuz in reality i would do any of those things as a date itself -- musuem, dinner, bowling, bar. any one of those could standalone as a date. and we did all 4 in 1! so we went back to my place and luckily he was slick enough to come up with a way to get himself parked and in the house. cuz that's always the fatal flaw of mine and my house. the parking is so bad it's hard to convince someone easily to park many blocks away just to "hang out" a little more after a date or anything really. but it worked.

so we hung out in my room for a long while chatting about all sorts of stuff. i mean in the end it was like we had talked each other out i swear. so much talking in one day! i mean by this point it's like 2am! then it just sorta happened. the making out thing. and it went from there. he spent the nite. and it was really awesome. and this morning he wanted to get breakfast but i honestly had to be somewhere and i also didn't wanna exhaust a good thing. so i declined. but it was really cute and i had a great time. so we'll see what happens. and we'll see if i can maintain this idea of not speaking about him. or speaking very very very rarely and vaguely. we shall see. but yea. he's cool. i like him. we got along really well very quickly. he's very nice. i think we have good chemistry. and i'd really like to see him again. so we shall see.

oh and does this mean i'm over joe guy? well....i mean sorta. i dunno. it's like i would still be hung up on him otherwise. but now i have refocused my attention so it's for the best really. especially since it probably wasn't going anywhere with joe. he called me about an hour ago looking to do something but i had nothing to offer. not sure if he'll call back. we'll see. meanwhile i listen to this van morrison song he gave me. "sweet thing." it's goddamn good. very pretty. it makes me feel a little sad even tho i'm totally not sad. maybe just the way it sounds.

before i forget...

i don't think i mentioned this but at the portfolio show a bunch of people came to look at our work and this guy came in. he didn't look familiar but he gave me his promo card and his name sounded very familiar. also, he was a photographer. so then it got me thinking, i think i've chatted with this guy online ages ago! so i finally brought it up and neither of us were certain but we figured it was probably true. probably through MOC. cuz it was quite some time ago. his name is gary and here is a link to his portfolio. he took this photo of us cuz he's been doing this thing where he photographs his day. i think that's way rad. i wish i had the diligence to do that. anyway, that ties up that lose end.

so i went out to roscoe's last nite with the dude from myspace. he's a nice guy. we had a good time. he doesn't look exactly how i imagined. he's a bit stockier than i pictured. he's nice though. i could totally be friends with him. and if i got to know him better i could probably like him. but we'll see about that. meanwhile today i'm about to go out with this dude from friendster. we're gonna go to moca and then walk around downtown cuz it's so pretty out today. he seems quite cool. we'll see. if anything we'll have a good time i'm sure. maybe no sparks but a good times are always welcome.

tonight is bowling. woo! gotta savor these free times. cuz come monday i'll be clocking it at 7 fucking am. sharp.

oh! i found this a little while back. i REALLY want this for my bday.

the polaroid book

gotta love the polaroids. woo!

i accepted the job and i start bright and early monday morning at 7am. fun fun. now i gotta go to the internship and begin one of my last days there. how sad. i'm going to miss that place. and the people. =/

eh. the interview was alright. the woman i spoke with was an HR woman. so she asked all those annoying HR questions. situational questions. crap like that. less about design really. i wasn't happy with her demeanor either. c'est la vie. the company sells high end t-shirts basically. i doubt i will get the job but i don't really want it. cuz i wasn't all that comfortable there. plus it's in hawthorne! the magazine girl emailed me back. unfortunately they don't have any positions open right now. just internships. so i asked to just remember my info just in case. i'll probably email back in a couple months to see if anything has changed. so as of now i'm going to take the job offer i got. i will wait til the end of the day to call just in case anyone else calls about job leads. but yea.

omg. i'm about to go to another interview today at 11am. this woman just called me. she got my resume the other day. it's a clothing company. an older one. we shall see. i was half asleep when she called and tried to play it off. i scheduled it for today due to the job offer. we shall see! i am still hoping for the one job i really want to call me up. and also for that woman from the magazine to email back. cross your fingers! (now i gotta find ANOTHER interview outfit in my closet...ugh)

every so often i do this. i check out a bunch of trailers for like a hour or so and i make a list of stuff i want to see. i found a few movies i need to see. some i'm too late for so it's rental material. those being:

p.s. - weird love story with topher grace
primer - indie flick where two suits make a time machine
bad education - pedro almodavar...enough said.

then the two i want to see in the theater in the coming months are:

a lot like love - aston kutcher romantic comedy with photobooth photo billboards
a scanner darkly - richard linklater rotoscoping a novel with keanu reeves

the job i went to interview for last week is mine if i want it. i went back today and they offered it to me a couple hours later. i also had another interview in the morning but that place isn't really my cup o tea. and this one isn't really either however it's a large company and the pay is good. it's a good job. considering i just finished school last thursday and could be working next monday, that's a good thing. and the pay is more than what most people got when they first got out of school (except for the engineers). so that's good too. the hours are sucky (7am - 4pm) but that would allow me to potentially interview for other jobs that i might want. there is one job i applied for that i REALLY want and i also sent off so random emails to magazines and one art director replied back to me a couple hours later. but when i sent a reply to her about my situation i didn't get another reply. altho it was after 5pm. so yea. if she emails tomorrow that'll be good. cuz i should let this job know soon whether i want it cuz they need someone to start next week! anyway, i think i'll take it unless something pans out with this magazine just cuz it's a job and it'll be good for me and my resume. if u know me then i'll tell u what company it is in person. but never will i post the name on here. NEVER. not even anything related to it and what it does. in no way can this be searchable!

on a related note, some dude sent me an email with the subject line: "follow the yellowbrick road." and then the body said: "right here Jen" and then the following link. uhh....freaky! those words are from a post from last month. i have no idea who this guy is. i mean i see his name and email. but they could all be fake. who knows. and who would take the time to do that??? i dunno! freaky!!! anyway, yea....i'm sure he's reading this and thinking "yes! she got it. and she's freaked out. and she posted it. yes!" or something like that. haha

and in music news...the new beck is awesome. i think i said before it's hit or miss. well now that i actually have had a copy in my hands for a week now and got to listen to it at my own leisure, i gotta say it's great! it's a mishmash of types of music. i love it! i however am less stoked about the new kaiser chiefs but i must give it more listenings. and i have an advance (no cover art) of the new new order. haven't listened yet. but if anyone is a big fan and wants a copy, let me know. i'll burn it for ya. or give it to ya if i don't like it.

*sigh* i know it'll never happen... =( my liking of joe guy will never amount to anything. it sucks. i don't know what to do. i think i need to just see him less. let it all go away. cuz seeing him so often basically torments me beyond belief. and god does it suck.

yesterday was decent. me, jessica, and jason hung out all day. we went to mani's and ate WAY TOO MUCH good food. it was awesome. then we walked around santa monica. good times. then later me, rick, and amanda went to coworker tom's bday party followed by mollie's party. the first was alright and the second would have been more fun if i was drunk. but i was DD so yea. got to see jason again which was great and also a bunch of sc kids i haven't seen in ages! it was a little weird. rick didn't do so hot by the end of the nite but i barely noticed cuz me and amanda fell asleep on the couch at like 2:30am. joe didn't go cuz he went to bang! and i found out that he had a weird night. details are irrelevant.

today i slept in super late and didn't do much at all. then a bunch of us went to el coyote for food and margueritas and then went to see the monty python double feature. good times. again, nothing with joe. of course. so yea. i'm convinced. *sigh* it never happens for me. never. why? i'm starting to get into that whole skeptical "what's wrong with me?" mode. i shouldn't be that way but i'm getting that way again. it sucks. gotta be positive. but the end of the 23rd year is approaching and the 23rd year was fucking awesome. so yea. i guess it can't all be peaches 'n' cream now can it?

ok so after i just wrote that long ass post i just realized something. i used to sorta like joe. but never that much. i remember him being around. thinking he was cute. knowing he wouldn't like me. moving on after the initial thought. so then sake rolled around. i knew he'd be there and i sorta hoped to hook up with him cuz i wanted to hook up. it didn't happen and i was a little bummed. but not that much. all was well. then in the week that followed it all started to escalate. the liking that is. st. patty's day i didn't care. cuz he called to meet up but i didn't make an effort to. and so we didn't. then friday was the roost and that was fun. then saturday was bang! and that was LOTS of fun. and in those two nights i started to really like him. then this whole past week we've been chatting a lot via AIM and phone and now i really like him. and this all happened in like 2 wks. wtf? how did this happen? wtf is wrong with me? i get too wound up too quickly. goddamn jen. snap the fuck out of it! just 2 wks ago u didn't care. and now u do. fuckin eh. i tell ya. "beneath the structure lies the chaos." oh so fucking true...

ok. so i had a slight panic for a moment but then realized that i need to calm the fuck down. tonight is mollie's party and joe guy was gonna go but now he's not cuz devin stole him and ollie away to go to bang. boo!!! i panicked momentarily thinking that for sure he MUST NOT LIKE ME cuz he's going to bang. and i bet that's still the case. but i can't rationalize it that way when i just saw him 2 nights in a row and will see him tomorrow. so yea. don't be a retard jen. but nevertheless i'm still certain it won't work. just cuz.

last nite was fun with him tho. we tried to go to this show and didn't get in. we waited an hour in the cold and said fuck it. so then we got dinner at this diner down the street and it was so silly and surreal. we were all set to order particular things and then at the last minute we looked up on the wall and ordered one of the specials. and it turned out all weird. our food wasn't so great. we should have ordered our original choices. those would have been better. meanwhile we had this week situation with this group sitting next to us. to type it out is silly cuz it's not all that funny but it was just random and weird. after that we were gonna go to the good luck bar but we realized we didn't really wanna drink. especially since we drank a lot the night before at the cozy inn. so then we just went to my place and watched the first season of the office which was fun. we were totally curled up on the couch. (not curled together just for clarification) looking ridiculous. he ended up leaving at 3am. so nothing happened.

i am convinced i need to stop liking him cuz it's just going to get worse for me. gah!!! but i can't help it. he's just so cute and funny. i enjoy his company. we get along quite well i think. gah!! i need to get back to being asexual. whatever happened to those good ole days? i dunno! but it's painful this way. i don't want to like boys who don't like me. i sorta just wish i could find out what's going on so i would know for sure. and devin said he'd try and get some scoop for me. i hope he doesn't blow it for me. like let on too much and make shit all funky. cuz i don't want that! ugh whatever. this is a fucking mess. i should never have started liking this boy. altho it was probably inevitable since i used to sorta like him. and then it just escalated recently with sake and whatnot. fuckin sake!

ugh. i'm so frustrated...

omg. i drank WAY too much last nite. the cozy inn was fun. the shuffleboard while drunk is impossible. i mean i haven't played in years. like probably not since 7th grade. so i'm rusty as hell. but throw in being wasted and u've got some major depth perception problems. it was fun tho. the people we played against were pros it seemed. and the one dude who was on my side of the table was really cool. he was trying to help me. but there was just no hope. the whiskey sours i had were just too strong. the bartender was really nice to me and his bday is the day after mine. anyway, i drank too much. jason came with mollie for a moment cuz he's in town this weekend! i barely remember them being there. i was so out of it. i didnt have much to eat to my credit. one quesadilla. that's it! so yea. rick drove joe guy home and i guess i said i had to puke cuz the next thing i remember i was in his bathroom and they were helping me. it's all a huge blur. this morning what i remember the most from that bathroom moment was rick saying "new kids on the block...nice." and i assumed joe guy had a tshirt. and this is so. that fuckin rocks. i love that. haha

tinna got her wisdom teeth extracted today and i was the one to take her. i set my alarm to wake up but my purse was still in rick's car! luckily my body woke me up at 8:45 (only 15 min late) and so i bolted out to the door to get her to the doc in time. that went well and we hung out at her place for awhile after. altho i felt queezy all morning. gah! then i came home and went to the office where i had a mountain of work to do. it's fuckin nuts. i've got to just say no more and leave. i have to give my notice. otherwise it'll never end! i just like those people a lot. and i really don't want to leave. but i gotta. they ain't gonna pay me. i dropped that in an email casually and really got no response. so that means they don't wanna pay me. so i gotta go. c'est la vie.

i was gonna hang out with that guy from myspace today but then the plans got all fucked and now he's down in SD for the weekend. and then i was gonna go out with jason tonight but he's hitting up weho and i don't have the energy for that. so now i'm waiting for joe guy to come get me and we're gonna try and crash a show at the echo. and if not, we'll figure something else out to do. god i like him. it fuckin sucks. we chat a lot during the day and i've been seeing him so much. i swear to god this is unhealthy for me. unless it works out. and u know me. i never believe that cuz of my poor track record. so sad. *sigh* we'd be so cute together. the energy couple. haha ok enough jen. bah.

man was i fucking tired last nite. so fucking tired. if given the chance i prolly could have slept when i got home at like 7. but i couldn't cuz i had to meet with this guy dave who is in charge of the clothing line that my work puts out. i was getting a bunch of the shirts i made. so we decided to have dinner. and then after that was the kings of convenience show. we decided to eat in silverlake since that's closer to his house and close to spaceland where the show was. but of course i got phenomenally LOST when trying to go there cuz i always get lost in silverlake. this was the worst tho. i mean i got on the freeway and everything. it was a wreck. luckily dave got me back to where i needed to be. only 30 min late. that's all. haha but he's a nice guy so he didn't seem to care. thankfully. actually speaking of niceness, he's really someone i could see myself dating. and i've actually thought that for awhile. but even more so now that we've chatted longer. i mean we tend to chat on the fone for awhile normally, but it was more candid this time in person. that and he cut and dyed his hair so now i think he's more attractive. ;) anyway, i had a good time. i dont really know how i will continue communication with him regularly. it's hard when he's sort of a "business contact" more so than a potential friend or whatever. oh well. we'll see. i like joe guy right now anyway.

and speaking of which, he didnt get into the show. it was mad crowded and the line outside was too long for him to want to make an attempt. so yea. no joe guy. but regardless the show was awesome! the duo are soooo cute on stage! the one goofy guy is great. i love his subtle remarks. and then the other guy just seems more shy and cute. they played an entirely accoustic set which was lovely. i couldn't help but think that the show would have been awesome to see with a bf. *sigh* rick is great but he's no bf. haha

today is my portfolio show. i'm a little nervous cuz employers will be coming. but it will be good for me. and it's my LAST DAY OF SCHOOL! ever! (or until i go back to grad school....haha) so after school tonight a bunch of us are going to the cozy inn. woo! i wanna get wasted. just cuz it's my LAST DAY OF SCHOOL!!!! omg it's nuts. i can't even imagine what life is like without school and homework. but i guess i'll find out real soon...

my interview today went well i think. i'm going back on monday to see someone else. i don't know if i want this job or not. as a job it's good. a job right out of school. pay is decent and i'd learn a lot. problem is what i'd be designing wouldn't really be my cup of tea. but part of me is scared to pass it up and not get something as good. or be unemployed a long time. so i dunno. some people say i should just go for it and then if i find something better later, so be it. but i'm not sure what to do. gotta consult my parents and the advisor at school. meanwhile i have another interview tomorrow but this job is only part time and i assume will pay less (even at an hourly rate). but i wanna go just to see and get more practice presenting my portfolio to potential employers. so yea. after that is my senior project show at school. followed by a trip BACK to the print shop for the umpteenth time this week...month! then to the gyn for my annual. then home for a bit. then kings of convenience at spaceland with rick and possibly joe guy. and on that note, everyone tells me not to rule it out. not to give up so quicly. etc etc. so i won't. but i will be cautious. and god almighty i wish i could just stop this crush from persisting. cuz the more we chat, the worse i get. i swear. fuckin eh. anyway, i'm tired. must sleep. more tomorrow.

i'm blogging from rick's comp cuz he's on mine editing something since his new g5 (i'm envious) hasn't arrived yet. tomorrow i have an interview with the company i mentioned previously. i went out and bought some new clothes today to wear to interviews. clothes are aren't too casual but not businessy. like i got this really really dark wash of jeans. and they have irregular pockets. so they basically are the cut and look of dress pants but are denim. and i have some cute tops. a cute little jacket that is white with colored thread. just some clothes that are nicer than what i normally wear but still aren't dressy cuz i don't wanna give off that vibe. i'm a designer. not a businesswoman.

anyhoot...there is potential to see joe guy a decent amount this week. and this pleases and distresses me all at once. kings of convenience is wednesday and rick and i are going. we have tickets (THANK YOU JAMES!). joe wants to go but doesn't have a ticket. so he's gonna try and get one at the door. we shall see. thursday i think rick wanted to go the cozy inn and it's near joe's house. so i asked him if he wanted to go and he's down. sunday he wants to get a group together for margueritas and monty python at the new bev. i've STILL never been there! and i'm going to ask him if he wants to come to mollie's party saturday cuz it's near his house. i'm going cuz jason is coming to LA this weekend and of course jason will be at the party. so yea. could be seeing joe a lot. ugh. just painful really. even tho people seem to think i could be incorrectly assessing the situation. i dunno. i have my doubts about it all. and just now as i am writing this, pertinent information has come in that concerns me. but i'm glad to know so i can take caution. ugh. whatever. fuck this. to worry about at a later date.

i went to dinner with ollie tonight. good times. he did in fact ask me about joe. twice actually. i didn't have a good response since i too don't know anything really. but yea. i felt awkward discussing it. well actually more like telling. it wasn't a discussion. he didn't really reply to my words. so i dunno what that means. whatever.

anyway i'm over this entry. it's taken me like at least an hour to write it. so it's done. i'll write more later. i've got shit to finish on my resumes and portfolio.

ugh. the more i chat with this boy the whole i like him. it's just NOT fair. rick wants to go to the cozy inn on thursday and he lives near there and said he wants to go. i'm just driving myself into the ground. i said i WOULDN'T do this. and here i am... i said i didn't need anymore new men in my life to try and date and here i go again. do i ever learn? no! yet here i am. doing the same fucking thing. fuckin eh.

in other news. this woman at school is helping me find a job and she sent my resume out to a few places last week and she called me today cuz one dude really wants to talk to me. some apparel company. i don't know the details and i can't find their website. so we'll see. i left a message with the guy so we shall see what happens. the job search continues...

ugh. i feel better and don't feel like shit which is good. lots of talking helps that. but now i feel all crappy cuz i totally do like joe guy and i just know it won't happen. and it sucks! rick says i could be reading this wrong. as do others. and surely i might be. but just the mere fact that i'm thinking about it this much is basically going to blow it since that's how it always works. fuckin eh. he's just so fun and energetic. and we had a great time chatting last nite and this morning. gah!

i feel like shit. i know why i do too. a multitude of reasons. i thought going out and walking around melrose would help. i think it just made it worse. seeing all those fake people. feeling more isolated than usual. not good. anyway, i hope this shit goes away soon cuz i don't wanna be feeling like this all day.

last nite was...interesting...

most of the day i sat around the house looking at job searches online. signing up with some places and posting my resume and portfolio. i wanted to go out but didn't know what to do. i called a few folks and no one answered. then joe guy suggested we go to bang! and i was totally game. i haven't been there in awhile. so we started trying to get people to go. most couldn't go but in the end it was me, joe guy, jessica, sami, and ollie. sami drove herself and the rest came here first and we pre-drank. then we took a cab there and ollie couldn't get in cuz of his hat! luckily he could put it in sami's car. so then all was well. we brought a flask of 99 apples and everyone was swiggin from it. mainly joe guy. i didn't cuz i was scared of puking like the nite before. but joe guy got wasted and i had a hunch he would spend the nite in the end cuz he would be too drunk to drive home. and so while we were all dancing we'd get close here and there. joe guy's 2 friends came and throughout the night everyone would be in and out. sometimes it would just be me and joe and we'd be dancing close and then like ollie would come and so i'd pull away. the whole nite i felt really awkward.

when we left we rode in joe guy's friends cars back to my house and one of the guys said that he thought that ollie had a crush on me. but i explained that we used to date and so then the guy thought that ollie wasn't over me and was jealous of joe guy. to which i replied in the car, "TOO FUCKIN BAD!" ollie dropped me so fast, if he's not over it, it's his own damned fault. i liked him a lot. A LOT! and he just said, "it won't work." and let it go so quickly. so whatever. i'm so over it. i wasn't over it for the longest time. but i forced myself to get over it cuz that's what u gotta do. when u get kicked to the curb u just gotta get back up and move on. and now i'm not even sure i like joe guy, but i do find him attractive and fun to be around. actually...i do like him. i admit it. i've sort of liked him on and off for a long while now actually. and spending more time with him recently made me like him more. BUT, i am making myself not like him. or trying to at least. cuz i know he doesn't like me back. and how do i know this?

after we all got back here we were hanging out. then ollie left and me, joe guy, and his two friends went to get food while jessica rested on the couch. when we came back joe guy decided he was gonna crash here a bit. he said he'd just take the couch. but he didn't really want the couch. and i didn't want him to sleep there. but i let it go at first. i went to bed. laid there a few minutes. realized i would kick myself if i didn't do anything. went downstairs and said "so how long u gonna sleep here? i feel bad seeing u there on the couch." and he was like, "can i come sleep in your bed?" and so he did. he came to my bed. and then we laid there and talked for a long time. he seemed totally sober actually. i'm not sure. then we cuddled a bit and went to sleep. and when we woke up in the morning there was a little cuddling but nothing else. we talked a lot but we've still never kissed! so i am convinced there is no hope. and therefore i am forcing myself not to like him. end of story.

i'm getting antsy about guys again and i said i wouldn't because of my recent failures. alas, michael informed me that tomorrow is the start of spring and this makes sense cuz i'm definitely starting to get that antsy spring fever. gah! dreadful indeed. hopefully it will all go away. and i know it won't be remedied by finding a guy. just by hopefully pushing it aside. sami said she's on a mission and she wants me to join her on that mission. i said i would, but really is this for the best? seeking out never works. but whatever. she needs company. so i shall join in. i don't know how, when, and where we will start this mission. that is for her to decide. meanwhile i will get back to my own mission of finding a freakin job!

so i think the gods tried to balance our my recent drinking habits. last week i got COMPLETELY WASTED off all the sake bombs and didn't puke at all. last nite i had like 2 and a half stiff drinks and puked it all up. what gives?

after this long hectic week of running around from print shop to print shop, i went out last nite with brian's crew. it was brian, his two visiting friends, gino, josh, dan, joe h, joe guy, me, and jessica. (and no one get upset that i didn't call them to come...after last week's incident, i thought it best to keep things segregated.) we went to zankou first for dinner and then straight to the roost where we drank said stiff drinks and ate way too much popcorn. i was totally fine until i went to the bathroom towards the end of the stay there and i realized i was wasted. how so? i dunno! i think it was the gods trying to balance it all out as well as eating ALL that food and mixing it in my belly with all that vodka. who knows. i had a great time up til that point. talking about random crap. running into justin and his crew and having a complete panicked moment when i heard the wrong information and thought that justin was dating some girl that was there. i would have had a cow. i wouldn't have done anything rash at the time but i would have had words with him later. luckily it was my misunderstanding. dan announced that he isn't leaving LA just yet. which was happy news indeed. and i was still pondering if i do like joe guy or not.

we left the roost around 1 something i think and at that point we all decided to go to fred 62. when we got there i went straight for the bathroom and made myself puke. meanwhile the rest ate their food and i nearly passed out at the table cuz i just felt so tired after puking. then everyone went to brian's house but joe guy took me home first to pass out in my bed. so i hope i didn't miss too much more fun. but i just couldn't hack it. poor performance last nite indeed. i got pukey after way too little alcohol. oh well. i wonder what's on tap tonight. i'll have to find out later. ollie called me FINALLY. he wants to do something. i'll see what happens. i don't really care. i truly am over him. it's fucking great. feeling liberated from my self-imposed mental attachment.

i think tomorrow i might go to moca with this guy from myspace. out of all the ones i talked to, there's only one worth doing anything with. i'm a little nervous cuz it's been ages since i've met anyone from online for any reason. coffee, movie, whatever. i've been doing the traditional thing for awhile now that this internet stuff has got me a bit nervous. but whatever. i'm sure he's harmless and nice. so i shouldn't be worried. yet i'm scared to call and whatnot.

holy mother of god. i just PLOWED right through my new website. basically everything is coming down to the wire. my bound portfolio is ready and i'll pick it up tomorrow. i found a place that will make me a custom rub off transfer of my name so i can put that on there. so that's rad. i had to redesign my website because it wasn't up to date and if employers will see my resume with the link, it has to be current! not to mention i found 2 jobs on craigslist that i wanted to apply for so i had to basically do it NOW. so i stayed up all last nite and got most of it done and just finished it now. however, i wanna do this DHTML zoom thing and if i can figure it out, i'll add that. but for now go to:

www.squarefetish.com

that's it. that's how it will look til i teach myself flash. now i gotta put a small portfolio on AIGA and creativehotlist and make a profile there and upload my resume and link it to my website. etc etc. it's madness. hopefully tomorrow my special paper will come so i can get resumes and business cards printed. goddamn. SO MUCH MONEY! but hopefully i'll land a deecent job sometime in the near future. i don't expect one right away but hopefully in a couple months. the woman at school called me today telling me about a position at a tv network that i won't mention. i don't watch tv but i am sort of aware of this network. it's cable under a parent station. anyway, they are looking to higher a graphics coordinator. so while it's less design, it would be a good job to learn the graphics world. overseeing things. and i think i'm a good candidate with both of my degrees. so we'll see if they call me. she's gonna fwd my resume.

anyhow....tonight is sami's bday dinner/hoda's goodbye dinner. so that's at 8pm. tomorrow i'm gonna go out with brian who has people visiting in town. i couldn't go out last nite due to this website crunch and tonight...well i just mentioned what i'm doing. so that's that. much more shit to get done and so little time. but for now, SHOWER!

when it rains it pours. i'm not sure why but recently all these guys have been contacting me to talk to them via friendster and myspace. i just got 2 more new ones today. both not too bad looking and with similar interests. so now it's like 4 or 5 guys. i can't keep it straight already. whatever. this isn't what consumes me. my future consumes me. everything to do with it.

my portfolio isn't going to be the way i want it cuz i couldn't get the custom cover. the lady called me today saying it wasn't working. BOO. now i gotta figure out something else. meanwhile i await my special paper to come for my resume/business cards. those will be tight looking. if only they weren't gonna cost so much to print. gah! all these money. ALL THIS MONEY.... i have to redo my website before the portfolio show next week cuz people will see my URL on my resume/business card and go to it (hopefully). and it has to be ready. so i'm going to have to redo it. then redo it again when i teach myself flash. gah! i also have to put my portfolio on creative hotlist and aiga so people will see it. but i won't do that til i redo the website. cuz i have to make a profile and the profile includes the url. so yea. gah! anyway, that's all that's new. the former crush at work barely talks to me anymore. it's so sad. our silly sassy rapport is all but gone since he started dating that girl. this just convinces me even more that if i had asked him out he would have gone. boo. whatever. i'm over it for the most part. still sucks. he's one of the only guys i've ever really been able to be sassy with and get it dished back in proper form. it was great! and now it's gone. =/

p.s. sorry to those who weren't invited to sake but probably should have been. it wasn't MY party. it was just at my house. i couldn't invite the whole world. but i still feel bad.

woo! my portfolios are being bound. they will be ready friday. i can't wait! so exciting!! my project is done basically. done for the turned in sense. i'm still gonna make rick's catalog but probably not in time to turn it in. that's ok.

on the boy front i chat with joe guy on aim. but whatever. i also have been chatting with a couple boys on myspace/friendster. one i just realized is way too much into god. and he lives in SB. so basically that's out. but the other two seem cool. we shall see. i'm in the mood where i'd give it a go at meeting them just cuz i'm bored with boys. and i need to meet new ones anyway. eh. we shall see. i also chat with this dude in FL who owns a design firm. i have no idea what he looks like. he's moving to LA at the end of the year. he seems cool. he said i could do some freelance for them. so that's rad. and i'm gonna have dinner with this guy who runs the clothing company that my work started. he's 28. not terribly cute but i like his mild temper. i don't know him that well so dinner will be good. oh and it's not like a date dinner. we are having dinner so i can show him my project cuz he was in the facebook. he's also gonna give me some of the shirts i designed. etc. so yea. but it'd be nice to get to know him better. he's always really nice to me too. anyhoot, boys boys boys. fucking nightmare if u ask me. why can't i just find a good one? seems goddamn impossible!

oh and i haven't seen ollie in ages cuz he's been busy. and he doesn't return my calls. so i give up. fuck it. i try to be a good friend. invite to shit. he doesn't return my calls. whatever. he can call me. i don't need to try anymore. it's his turn. i know he's busy. but too busy to even call me back? fuck that. no more attempts. his turn. end of story.

gah. i'm too tired to work. i didn't get enough sleep even tho i was out cold and DIDN'T get to hook up with joe. gah. *kicking myself* i never fully rested from last nite's shenanigans so instead of pulling an all nighter and being brain dead tomorrow i'm going to sleep now and work in class. hopefully i can get a lot of shit done. this is truly the last gasp. and goddamn i don't want to be single anymore. fuck that bullshit. i need to find me a man. pronto!

oh yea and one more thing. even tho i do think joe guy is cute and i wanted to hook up with him, i will not be making any advances at him. meaning i think he's cool and sure i'd like to go on a date with him if he asked me, but i'm wishy washy overall (have been for awhile) and being that i was the same with justin and that didn't work out, i will not be making any more half ass attempts. i'm not content with being single right now, but i am also not in the mood to be rejected again. if he asks me out (which he won't) then i'll go. otherwise, friends it shall remain.

now time for work and more (yes i bought more) elton john!

before i talk about how much and crazy last nite was, can someone please tell me how after doing wash, clothes are still soapy? cuz i went to the laundry room to wash my towels (i'll explain why later) and 3 washers were filled with washed clothes that were all soapy! who doesn't know how to do their laundry? sheesh!

anyway....last nite....

so we told people to come at 9 and some people showed up early. i was already in my undies and tank top that basically looked sort of lingerie-ish. it was long so it looked like i was wearing a really really really short skirt. anyway, joe guy was here first and he got down to his undies right away with me. more people came slowly and once sami got here we started the bombs. the rule was that no one HAD to get down to undies til round 3. oh and justin came! he said he wouldn't but he came for one round. then pussed out and left. sheesh. anyway, so we did the 2 rounds and then everyone was down to their undies. some people were definitely still a bit self-conscious. but by about round 5 people started dancing and everyone got all into it. i got super wasted and so did many others. at one point nearly all the guys were just in boxers. no shirts! and nearly all the girls were in bra and panties. me and jessica agreed we'd get down to bra and panties only if the other person did. so about 5 min later there we were. it was admitedly a little weird but really fun. i mean i'd sometimes stop and think "shit...we are ALL so naked." but then i'd just keep dancing.

i wanted to hook up with joe guy cuz i think he's cute and all and so it got to the point where we were dancing a lot together and honestly, in that sorta dirty way that i don't like to dance. yet it seemed ok at the time and being that our dance styles are compatible, for once it actually worked out. haha so we were dancing and i knew we'd hook up. we just had to get everyone's shit out of my room. so we were discussing that. but then some shit went down btwn a few folks. i'll not name names or discuss what happened out of courtesy, but basically once that happened, then the party got a bit awkward and disjointed. people were in different spots. me and joe went to my room and there were a bunch of people there which i was totally ok with. i didn't know what to do about the situation and i don't think anyone did. then i started to feel a bit icky with the room spinning so me and joe went downstairs to get some air. and i think (i'm not really sure cuz it's a huge blur) we went outside and just stood there hugging for a long time. i'm not really sure. but then we went back to my room and laid down on the side of the bed that people weren't sitting on (everyone was still in my room) and he said something to me and i felt like puking but then i didn't and just passed out. like out cold. while everyone was sitting there talking. and that's all i remember. i woke up today with him in the bed and we were under the covers. and we went to IHOP with sami.

so it was a crazy fun nite. someone puked in my sink and someone shaved in my bathroom!!!! GROSS!!! i have to sanitize. other than that it was a whole lotta fun. i loved how everyone just let it all go. it was so much fun! i wished i had hooked up with joe guy cuz i think it would have been fun but i totally passed out. so sad. the drama is the drama and i feel bad about it all but don't really know what to do or say. i've talked to 2 of the 3 people involved but that still doesn't mean anything. i just understand more.

i went out with dan to amoeba and mel's and he told me he's moving back home at the end of the month and i was shocked. i'm not entirely sure how i feel about this. cuz i don't see dan that much but yet i know he's always around. and now he won't be and i'm not sure if that will settle well with me or not. we shall see.

after working on it for like 5 hours, my resume is finally done. to my liking. goodness fuckin gracious. now i can create my system. onto the business cards now. and then the invoice. altho ill probably wait on the invoice cuz i gotta do rick's catalog. ill work on that all day tomorrow and sunday.

i can't believe it's friday already! jeez louise. and better yet, i'm not out tonight! that's ok cuz tomorrow i'm gonna get wasted off the sake bombing. so i might as well take it easy tonight. it's for the best. this morning i went to get the sake with sami and we got a LOT!! it's gonna be good times tomorrow. i can't wait. this will be a lovely break from all the crap. i went to the office today and they were all like surprised to see me cuz i hardly go in anymore. and they had all this stuff for me to do. and then cory called me asking if i wanted to make a simple website for this dude he's working for. and i've gotta do the saekin stuff. and i talk to this design guy back in FL via myspace and he said they might have some freelance stuff for me too. and i'm finishing up this other freelance gig. not to mention all the favors i've agreed to do. so at least i'll be occupied in my unemployed state. that's good.

i got one copy of my portfolio back (not all 3 were ready) and i folded them all. there are like 3 pages i am unhappy with the shift. the rest of the shift is really slightly and understandable cuz nothing is perfect. but there are a couple pages that i'd like them to reprint cuz the shift is just a bit too much. but the prints look fucking awesome. so i'm excited about that. i think my portfolio will look quite good. woo!

i'm been in a sea of "new" music recently cuz i joined this thing online where u can get cd's for $5.99 + tax. so i'm getting all this old stuff that i don't have. plus i'm always getting new stuff from work. so basically i'm always struggling to keep up. the stack never goes down! i just listened to the new ash album and i wasn't too into it. i realize that ash is a band i can only listen to in small doses cuz overall the guy's voice annoys me. or maybe it's just this album. who knows. but i'll probably sell it. and i'm now listening to the new QOTSA. the verdict isn't in on this one. i'm not a huge QOTSA fan but i thought i'd give it a go. there are a slew of new albums coming out this month that i need to get. beck, doves, daft punk, kasabian, kaiser chiefs, and maybe the bravery.

anyway, back to work!

just got off the phone with ky. good times. i miss living with her and being able to talk at a moment's notice. but we had a good long chat so that was good.

today has been long but not all that productive. i woke up and went to school to burn my portfolio to dvd and make a dummy book. complications arose and i couldn't meet up with cory at the printshop at the time we arranged. but then when he got there he found that our shit wasn't done cuz someone was sick. so it was fine that i didn't make it on time. when i finally did get there i got my shit and got our portfolios set up for printing for tomorrow. i'm a bit concerned that there will be slight shift which is NO GOOD. but we'll see tomorrow. jessica's catalog turned out really well. i think it looks awesome. i can't wait to show her.

the rest of the day was spent looking for boys mid-calf length striped crew socks which turned into about 3 hours of retail therapy. ending with no socks but other fun items. can u believe i went to like 5 stores and no socks! apparently they must not really make these anymore! sheesh. but shopping was fun. and i figure i've been working so hard i needed a break anyway. so yea. i don't look down on myself for indulging. but now i gotta get more shit done but i'm quite tired.

i'm meeting with sami tomorrow morning to get sake and then probably going to the office for a couple hours. then going to the printshop with cory. then who knows. it'll be friday nite and i'll wanna go out. and i prolly shouldn't. but who knows. we'll see.

my portfolio is ready for the printers. god i hope it all prints right. crossing my fingers. crossover images don't misalign. all the type comes out clear. god almighty i am scared. i put together a somewhat lo-res version of my portfolio in pdf form. if you wanna check it out, you can download it here. (5.7mb) i'm gonna make 3 hard copy portfolio books and then a resume, business card, and cd label/insert that all match. i'll get those printable cd-rs so that i can make a handful of cds with pdfs on them. that will only be for if i go to an interview and wanna leave it with them. i also gotta get my ass in gear and revamp my website. gah! anyway, once this shit gets printed and i take it to the binder, half the worry is over. i still gotta worry about how to make the cover of the porfolio only cuz i want a custom job and i am uncertain how long it will take. hopefully not too long. i am running out of time! anyway, off to bed shortly. i am in desperate need of proper sleep.

i broke down and took a 2 hour nap. i just couldn't go on. i had to get a little sleep. i was dying at the computer. i can't say that i feel rejuvinated but i know it's for the best that i slept a little. i do feel really fuckin tired now but i MUST go on cuz i am getting my portfolio printed tomorrow and so it MUST be perfect. no exceptions. gah. i can't wait for this to be over. this madness.

meanwhile, i am listening to elton john's greatest hits. double disc. came today in the mail. i'm quite excited. it's very good. i love elton john. woo! onward ho....

still goin strong. finished jessica's catalog and it looks rad. at least on screen. i'm sure it will look rad on paper. it'll be ready tomorrow. and then me and cory are gonna get our portfolios printed so that they will be ready on friday. and then we'll take them to the binder on monday. woo! meanwhile i will redo my resume and business cards, make rick's catalog, and anything else freelance or internship related that comes up. i feel good about this progress despite getting no sleep last nite. i don't actually feel that bad. so that's good. i am debating whether or not to take a nap. i know a nap will be the death of me. so i dunno. we shall see. oh and jessica (since i know u read this), don't worry, i made two copies...one for me and one for you!

pulling an all-nighter as we speak... =/

writing and formating descriptions for a small ass 20 page catalog is TIME CONSUMING.

my eyes hurt...

i love you, sebastian tellier....

at this moment i am simultaneously working my portfolio, jessica's catalog, a freelance gig, a favor for dominic, intern project that has 4 parts to it, and a pdf mini portfolio so stacy's design firm can get a gig which i will then be doing. not to mention i still have to revamp my resume, make new business cards, try and get rick's catalog done, finish up tyson's website, start josh's band's, and learn flash to redo my own site. holy fuck. when i laundry list it i wanna just pass out.

just think...it will all be over soon...

new obsessions:

- sebastian tellier - "la ritournelle"
- paper swatchbooks and finding the BEST paper for my project
- my new xacto knife with a padded rubber grip

still working..sleeping too much...panicking..the whole nine yards.

still working but the music moved me to post...

james makes me cd's a lot and this latest one is killer. some tracks i think everyone needs to hear:

; sebastian tellier - "la ritournelle" {signed to air's label...SUCH a beautiful song}
; abba - "ring ring" {tons of fun}
; the jam - "beat surrender" {classic rock}
; the concretes - "you can't hurry love" {along with the knife, proving that sweden isn't just beautiful, they spew out good music too}
; voxtrot - "raised by wolves" {dance everybody...dance}
; rachel stevens - "negotiate with love" {i posted the lyrics because i can relate}

and some songs not on his mix that are on heavy rotation:

; morrissey - "the more your ignore me, the closer i get" {it's morrissey...}
; my morning jacket - "mahgeetah" {go kentucky!}
; the bravery - "honest mistake" {so what if they sound like every other strokes knockoff}
; moloko - "time is now" {i love her high-pitched voice}
; mercury rev - "tonite is shows" {i'm really getting into, what i consider, "air rock" ie. mercury rev, my bloody valentine, autolux, etc}
; daft punk - "human after all" {CAN NOT WAIT for the new album}
; doves - "black and white town" {also can't wait for this album either}

; kasabian // the whole album streamed online...hurry up tuesday. hurry up!

; anything elton john. when, oh when, is my double disc greatest hits set coming?

god i LOVE music. it keeps me sane. and thank god i found some new stuff. cuz i was bored with what i had.

alright that's enough...back to work.

the panic sets in as i realize that i MUST get my portfolio printed this week in order to have it ready in time. binding will take awhile. that means finishing at least one catalog within the next couple days in order to put it in the portfolio which i'd like to do. i also must get that printed at the end of this week also or else it won't be ready in time. i also have to redo my resume and business cards and get them printed. the panic has definitely set in...

cory made my box for me for my project though. it's really fuckin nice looking. it's a picture frame that holds stuff in the box part of it. he made it all by hand. it's so nice. and his box is fuckin amazing. i can't even describe it. you have to interact with it in order to really get the full experience and appreciate it properly. he's really good at building things. i think he should do that for a living. and who knows, he might! i'm grateful that he likes me so much cuz he wouldn't make anyone else's box. i mean he went home to AZ this past weekend and spent all 3 days building our boxes. and he won't let me pay him. but i've got a gift idea that will at least make him laugh and know that i appreciate him.

anyway, back to work. i've got a lot of work ahead of me. gah!

i have determined that unless i work day and night, it seems unlikely that i will finish both catalogs. so sad. i just spent the whole day clipping the images out for jessica's catalog and i haven't even begun to design it yet. i have to get it printed next week so i don't think i'll have to get to rick's right now. it's just taking forever. i fear it won't even come out the way i want it. i HATE shooting with digital. it's so grainy. SOOO grainy. god i want to be a photographer so bad. with a studio. and darkroom. oh the heaven i would be in. oh well. less than 4 hours of sleep, here i come!

i don't know why i thought of this but i did. i'm in the midst of working on the final part of my project. the catalogs. i honestly don't know if i can get both done so i'm just gonna do one at a time in case i can only finish one. i don't wanna be stuck with two unfinished ones. i'd rather do one. finish it. then do another after the class ends if need be. anyway, that has nothing to do with what i was thinking. it's just the setting for it cuz i'm been working on it all day and file prep alone is taking me HOURS.

so i was thinking about relationships. friends. guys. etc. and i'm starting to wonder if i made the right choice to stay here another year. not that i don't love my friends. but i do yearn deeply for something new and fresh. LA is old hat. everything bores me here. i don't get super excited about things related to LA. the only things that excite me socially are things having to do with my friends. and if weren't for them i'd be miserable. but i mean it's LA. who the hell wants to REALLY live here anyway? i know i made the right choice for the sake of my quote, end quote, career. but really, i have no idea how that will pan out anyway. i think i got a little scared to leave so i didn't. and i can't say i regret my choice, but got i really do want the hell out of here. i know that most of my friends live here so it will be hard to leave. but u gotta do it sometime right? i've sorta set out a 5 year plan for myself tho. so i guess that's good.

i've decided that i'm going to stay in LA this next year. see what happens with the job situation. if i land something solid but not necessarily perfect and permanent, then i shall stick that out for one year and then leave and move back to SF. only because i'll have a much better handle on the design world and i will feel confident to move and find something else. if in the next year i don't find anything i really like, then i'll definitely move cuz if i can't find anything here, then does it matter to be here? not really. might as well move back to SF. in the 5 year span i hope to really find myself in this design world. and if i don't feel satisfied i'll go back to grad school for photography -- my true passion in life. where i will go to school is indeterminate at this time. i looked into graduate photography programs and the academy of art in SF has one. also the school of visual arts in NY. RISD is like THE best for design and photography in the country but that's like trying to get into harvard. so unlikely. plus it's in RI. altho i'd probably live in NY and commute. and then there's always my love of england and moving there for a couple years. but all of this grad school mumbo jumbo is not for now anyway.

i know that i used to say i was going to move back to SF this coming year and i was decently certain of this. but then i got scared. i get scared a lot about moving. it's hard to break away. i admit my weakness to this. but still. i know i have to eventually. cuz i really dislike living in LA. and i don't want to raise a family here so why continue on? my fear is finding a guy i am really into and convincing myself to stay for him. i really don't want that to happen. but at the same time i am continually bitching about not wanting to be single. so it's sort of a catch-22. i'd love to find a guy who i really like but don't deeply love, who i can have a meaningful first long-term relationship with in this next year and then have it end because i want to leave (unless he wanted to move with me). and that way i'd have a long-term thing under my belt and i could search for that husband. but whatever. this is all bullshit anyway. it's all talk babble. cuz when it boils down to it, plans go awry and "life is what happens while we plan things."

anyway, i am just feeling discontent right now with being in LA. and it might just be because i'm getting agitated with graduating and finding a job. who knows. i plan to go back to SF to relax once i finish school. but yea. i wish i was going back to live there. i just know this is for the best. i have to keep telling myself that as i slide right into graduation.

and for christ's sake, WHEN WILL IT BE MY TURN TO FIND A PROPER LONG-TERM BOYFRIEND??

ah the LA marathon. it's today. and once again we are mile 19!!! people are just running past our house left and right. no loud speaker pumping music this year. that's both good and bad. good cuz i could sleep better. bad cuz i thought that was a nice festive touch. oh well. it's amazing how quickly the city hops to it for a marathon. our street had no parking signs from 1am to 4pm today. and by god, if you were parked there just a bit after 1am you were towed. we got home and the tow trucks were out in FULL FORCE. it was bad. all those poor cars. by the same token, once it hits 4 today the cleaning machines will be out really quickly to clean up all the cups and whatnot on the street. the tables will be moved. everything will happen REALLY QUICKLY and the street will be back to normal. it's cool to see it all even if it is inconveniencing for a day.

anyway, glow in the dark mini golf was last nite. we had a sizable crew out for the event. 16 people! the place is small but fun. we all had a good time. it's like crazy alice in wonderland style golf or something. afterward we all went to ihop. that was equally fun. in btwn the two, a bunch of people made a ride out of the long escalator outside the mini golf place.

next week is sake bombing in our underwear. and no that does not mean the girls will be in bra and panties and the men in just boxers as i realize some men thought. i must clarify. it means the girls can wear tank tops or whatever and be in panties and the men can wear a shirt or wife beater and be in boxers. that way no one feels terribly insecure. it should be a lot of fun and very interesting. i can't wait! here is the flyer.

i have the urge to die my hair pink. yes, pink. sorta like how scarlett wore that pink wig in lost in translation. a pink like that. but i'm a bit scared. i doubt i'll do it but i really want to. i had this urge before and i let it go. and i got the urge again last nite when me and rick watched storytelling and one of the characters had pink hair like that. i bet it wouldn't help finding a guy either if i had pink hair. gah.

tonight is glow in the dark mini golf. i'm excited. i think it will be fun. next week is sake bombing in our underwear. that will be lots of fun as well. woowee! now if only i could motivate myself on my project.

wow. i just got a real hankering for a bf. like just now. i wish i had someone to go to sleep with right now. but no. never fuckin works out. i always try to think of it like the guy has made a mistake. i'm a good catch. etc etc. but honestly, how many times can the men have made mistakes? there must be something wrong with me. i've cycled thru entirely too many men too quickly. surely some would say "well at least u dated. at least u got shots at it." but i dunno. cuz the people who don't date don't know what the failure feels like. and they also haven't failed because they haven't even tried. right? they say it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. but is better to have dated and lost than to have never dated at all? i dunno. maybe. but not THIS MANY TIMES! i don't this the saying applies when you're track record is so bad.

anyway, the point is, i'm lonely. not like "omg shoot me i'm so lonely." but lonely enough to wish there was a boy around for a decent amount of time. just once, stick it out with me. give it a go for the long haul. hell, not even the long haul. how about the extended short haul. after all, let's not go for the gold when we can't even get a medal to begin with. baby steps. maybe instead of fizzling after a couple weeks, we go a couple months! and then see how that works. how about that? fucking hell! in the past 7 years of my life i have only had one relationship that has lasted more than a month. yes....ONE! and that was john from art school. and he was a fucking wreck of a relationship anyway. so it's not even worth counting. and why i say the past 7 years is cuz when i was in high school i dated a boy for 6 months. but that hardly counts cuz that was high school. and that might as well be like riding a bike with training wheels. bowling with bumpers. so for all intents and purposes, i've never been able to hold down anything. and by that notion, there MUST be something wrong with me.

i don't want to revert back to my extremely self-conscious, low self-esteem ways, but hells bells, when the fuck is it my turn to be in a long term relationship? if not soon, i swear to god i'll start thinking i'll be single forever. or be the girl that perpetually "dates" guys forever. if this shitty process continues much longer i think i'll have to break my ways about sex. i'm very picky about that sort of thing but man, there are points where too long is too long. and this is starting to become bullshit.

shit. i didn't think i had this much to rant about. but i guess this is what i get for staring a screen all day doing design work. barely leaving to pick up my poster and eat some food. i'd gladly accept a bf to distract me and pull me away from this godforsaken box.

good fuckin night

alright now. the other night me and rick stumbled upon this mashup video thing that involved he-man and it made me come to a realization...his fuckin name is "HE-MAN"! he....man...how lame and retarded is that name? this never occured to me in all my years of existence. he...man. and what's more, he has girl hair!! fuckin bangs and a bob! what the fuck? how come i never noticed that??? and how come she-ra's name isn't she-woman? wtf?

can u tell i don't want to do my work? yea i don't. i did an ad today for work but that's it. i have to work on my catalogs now. it's the last i have to do besides paginate my portfolio. fuckin eh. i have 2 wks left to do it. gah!

another thing that just occured to me about this bullshit noise (thank god it finally stopped!). what if *i* was making the equivalent amount of noise? i know in two seconds people would be calling me in on that shit and complaining that i was disrupting their sleep. yet they can just waltz in here and start working at 7:30am. i know that i sleep later than the average working person so i accept that i will be awoken if they are working at like 8:30 or 9am. sure. i'll grant that. but 7:30 to me is NOT acceptable. what are the noise ordinances anyway? when are u allowed to start making noise? either way i think it's bullshit. cuz they stopped jackhammering a couple hours ago and now it's totally quiet. couldn't they have just started like an hour later? spared us all of that wretched noise so goddamn early in the morning. even if i was a 9 to 5er, i'd probably still be sleeping at 7:30am. so wtf? anyway, it's over and it was bullshit. and now there are bigger fish to fry. like the *other* PLB (my housing complex) fuckers who want us to get rid of our "junk" in the back patio. apparently it's unsightly. fuckin eh. those rat bastards don't even have proper stationery. they have their fuckin phone numbers wrong on there. we aught to leave it be and when they come and dispose of our stuff and fine us, we bitch them out for not being able to contact them to tell us what to do. cuz it's true. if u call the number on the paper it's an invalid number! fuckin bullshit. we still don't know what we can and can't get keep. fuckin bullshit.

in other more delightful news...kyla sent me a "care package" because she was so upset for me about justin. it was very nice of her. =) chocolate bandaids and sour kisses. also a card with this image on it. it's soooo cute! and this coming from a girl who doesn't really like cats. and ky doesn't either! THANKS KY! =)

they've been removing cement next door for the past two hours and i can't fucking sleep. and now i'm in a shitty ass mood. fucking hell!

i'm still not 100% bettter and i fear i might have some silly infection that is preventing me from not being sick. i dunno. i'll wait a week and see what happens.

i got a craving for a pazookie so i made one with break n bake cookie dough and vanilla ice cream. i couldn't eat it all. i thought i was gonna puke from the sugar.

i have 3 wks left of school and i'm beginning to panic. i fear my portfolio isn't "clean" enough. ie, the work isn't clean. it's very vibrant, urban, messier work. there is a market for that but for some reason i wanna get into clean design. like annual reports and brochures with nice photos and serif typefsces. i dunno. i also wanna go to grad school for photography.

i cleaned out my cd collection...again. i do this a lot actually. dump the shit i haven't listened to in years and know was just a phase in my life. like a lot of the vagrant emo shit. it's out the window and on it's way to amoeba. if i can't sell it i'll just give it to good will. i need to make room for new music. that i like. that i listen to. i realize that about 60-760% of my cds are british artists and/or artists who want to sound british. god i love england. i wanna move there. will someone come with me? if a key person in my life said they'd move with me, i'd do it. but alas that is not the case.

chatted with brian a bit tonight. we haven't seen each other in weeks! it's disgusting really. we keep abreast of each other's life via our blogs. how pathetic seeing as how we live down the street from each other. at least we realize our patheticness.

i read em's blog entry about wanting a bf just to have someone around to go to dinner with and see movies. i agree. i want that. i want a boy who is around to cuddle up with and watch a movie. that's what i want most. the companionship. *sigh*

ugh!! i'm fucking calling places to get my poster printed. trying to find the cheapest place possible since it's a simple b&w job. and so i call this one place in korea town and this man doesn't want to give me the time of day. i ask him how much will it cost to print my poster. he tells me $3-4. i think that's crazy cheap! can't be possible. so i specify what i want exactly and ask again. he says "YES." i ask if they take illustrator cs files. "YES." i can tell he wants me off the phone. so i ask one last time. so 15"x20" from an illustrator file for $3-4? "Y-E-S ma'am. YES. goodbye." so i fuckin go down there to get the shit printed. only see women in the office. ask to get my stuff printed. how much will it cost? "well let me see. if you size it down to 12"x18" it will be $5. otherwise at that size, 15"x20," it will be $35." wtf? i tell her that i called and spoke to a man who wouldn't let me fully explain. just wanted me off the phone. told him my specs. he said $3-4. she just shrugged and said sorry. MUTHAFUCKA!! i wasted all that time. fuckin bullshit. this is EXACTLY why i asked the man over and over. but no. he wouldn't listen. now i gotta find another place. jesus fucking christ.

james made another cd for me not too long ago and i've been listening to it over and over. today i was listening in the car and i realized that this song is somewhat appropriate. i say somewhat because i'm sure in the end i'd negotiate. depending on the situation. haha but still. i like this song.

negotiate with love
- rachel stevens

negotiate with love
negotiate with love
negotiate with love

i love disel sweeties.

well...i can't say i take it all back. because i don't really. those were words out of anger and pain. but justin called me earlier tonight while i was out with josh and so i just called him back now and we had a chat. he felt bad about what he said. the words came out all wrong. he should have prepared himself for the talk so that he would have said things properly. as i had hoped and believed, he did not use me per se. of course everyone wants a rebound. and part of him did. and at the same time he saw me as this person who he was interested in. attracted to. thought we had things in common. and so he went for it. partially because he did need someone to get over the girl. and so it happened. but he now realizes he's not ready to date someone else. he's still too hurt by her. and so out of that, came this. a relationship gone wrong due to bad timing. so it sucks. but i feel much better hearing him say everything properly. this time he thought a lot about what he said before he said it and so it came out right. and this was more what i was expecting to hear last nite. not that i was used. so now i feel much better.

i can't believe i felt sorry for him. i did. i thought, "wow i know what he's going thru. i've been there. i feel bad." and i thought it might, just might, work out because he said he wanted it grey. he didn't want it black and white like i did. so i thought there was hope after all the shit cooled down. he got out of his funk. i was expecting to encounter something of that sort. perhaps there would be no hope and i would deal with that. it would be shitty but i'd be ok. but just hearing that he used me. that just hurt so much. i've never heard that before. and it's a fucking hard thing take.

i think i've gotten better over the years. my self-confidence has boosted. i'm happier. etc. but then shit like this happens and it really knocks me back a few steps. sorta crushes some of the progress i've made. when ollie broke it off it as pretty damn typical. i like u but.... and it hurt me. cuz i REALLY liked him. i felt shitty. really shitty. but i remembered how it was so simple at first with him. and i took some solace in that because at least i was just a little bit better with boys. but this time...i was even wishy washy!! it was a new thing for me to give it a go with someone i was wishy washy with. and let me tell u, i ain't doing that shit again. wishy washy = not doing anything. i've learned that about myself. it was probably my intuition speaking to me. and i just didn't listen. didn't realize.

this fucking sucks. we are friends. we have the same friends. and this just fucking sucks. i know i'm one for no bullshit. the truth. etc. but i have to say this is probably the one time so far, where i'd rather not know the truth. cuz this one fucking hurt. i guess that's the lesson learned this time. (i always try to look at things positively and think i learned something from all the pain.) maybe don't have a second talk. maybe don't push for the truth. altho with his wanting shit to be grey, i didnt think the second talk would yield such pain. i thought it would help me come to peace with it all. but no...

this time it's not even about him not liking me which now i see that must be the case. it's about me being used! wow. every time i say that internally it hurts...

two guys in 4 months. both duds. i think it's time to take a LONGER break from men....

anyway, enough of this bullshit. i have to get to work. and talking about it just gets me upset.

i had this dream that i went to vegas with some friends (no one really notable just "friends") and then it turned into like an action film because they were secretly plotting against me to hurt me. and my dad comes with some people and try to help me but we are no match for them. and it was just this shitty situation of shock and horror. there are more details but they are irrelevant. just details of how they hurt me physically. etc. but i think it's pretty obvious why i dreamt this and what it means. god i feel like such shit today. AND i got a parking ticket that i will contest because i swear to god i've parked there before and never gotten a ticket. it's a mutherfuckin mistake but it sure didn't help ease my morning. fuck fuck fuck. i feel like shit.

in three words: he used me...

....and i feel like shit right now. complete shit.