ya for dirt, heat, and most importantly of all, MUTHERFUCKING GOOD MUSIC!!! see post-coachella madness!!! =)

sometimes i feel like i'm weening off drugs or something. this lack of pursuit of man. it seriously sometimes feels like i'm going thru drug withdrawls. wtf? haha i have the urge to call friendster boy but have no reason to call him and therefore won't. calling to chat is silly and it's not like i have any reason to see him. or anything to purpose that we do. it's a goddamned thursday night! he said he MIGHT try and make it to day 2 of coachella. doubtful that he will cuz he's so lazy. but i'll probably call him anyway just to see if he does go. meeting him in the blistering sun all gross and dirty would be lovely wouldn't it? haha and i feel like i haven't talked to joe in ages either! good lord! it's all coming to a crashing halt. *sigh* and i feel bad that i don't talk to ollie that much either! it's like once i was FINALLY over him, i just sorta stopped really making efforts to hang out and talk to him. sad but true.

*sigh* i really wish i didn't have to be single. i wish things would just fall into place and be easy. but NO! =/

COACHELLA!!!! i can't wait!!!! =O

i'm making 2-disc coachella music mixes!!! i'm so stoked. i can't wait!

man was i beat today. i went to ollie's last nite for dinner with tinna and goddamn was i tired. i didn't even feel like myself. i was so out of it. and when i got home i basically went right to bed. this is what happens when u drink and makeout with a boy and get shitty ass no pillow sleep in a foreign bed! anyhoo, i can't believe it's already gonna be thursday tomorrow and coachella is THIS WEEKEND!!! holy fuckballs. so exciting. i can't wait.

holey moley. that's right. i said it. i heard "hangin tough" last nite at the bar and today at work on the radio! what the hell? joe has an NKOTB shirt he wears to sleep and ben's place has a pillow. i really gotta d/l some NKOTB when i get home. this is nuts! takes me right back to when i was 9. haha

i just had lunch with jessica and we caught up from the past week when she was gone. she missed a lot! she was baffled by the ben thing and the more i think about it, the more baffled i am! wtf? anyway, that's in the past. and friendster kid is just a lazy fuck who probably won't be around forever due to that sad character trait. so i'm cleaning the slate. back at ground zero. and probably for the best. i need to find an older man. maybe like 27. maybe he'll be more mature. but for now, NO MORE MEN!

when life gives you lemons you make lemonade. right? it's called getting some muthafucking ass! yes, friendster boy did in fact answer the door and we did in fact get dinner, walk on the beach, and go to a bar that played throwback classics like "hangin tough" and "sex you up." our bartender even looked like patrick swayze circa 1992. haha the night ended this morning at 5am when i left his house to come back here, change, and ultimately go to work in a few minutes. god that was a nightmare though. the 5am bit. i think he may just hate me for it. haha he's fun to make out with and we get along well when hanging out, but considering his aloof nature, he's obviously not a keeper. just a possible ace in the back pocket if ever the moment arises. i don't even know when i'll see him next. who cares really? i still found myself hating men and doubting everything. it was sort of crappy. i had a good time but the whole time i was doubting every move. seriously. it was bad. i'm ruined for awhile for sure. and ultimately i still wish i was could be with joe...

p.s. i used to be a girl who went dutch on everything on a date. or at least made huge attempts to go dutch. and if the guy paid for everything i felt bad. not anymore. i say to hell with trying to pay. if they are gonna be assholes, they can pay for everything too! like the peking duck night. i felt bad that ben paid for it all. so i was going to make it up and pay for the second night of events. but since that never happened and he was a fucking asshole, i don't care one bit that he paid for our expensive dinner. and last night, i pitched in some cash for dinner but overall i let the boy pay for everything, including the alcohol. he offered. so fuck it. let the man pay!

wow. the guy called back. we're going to have dinner. unless of course i get to his house and he doesn't answer the door. and if u think my skepticism is ridiculous, then u really haven't stepped in my shoes lately.

well i figured since my self-esteem was already in a fragile state, i might as well go for broke and see if i could just crush it. i called friendster boy about dinner and expected a voicemail. surprise surprise he answered. and he said that all was a go and we should get sushi together around 7pm at this place near his house. but i don't expect him to call me back. i don't expect to have this dinner. just like the movie. and then of course i'll feel worse just knowing that yea it's definitely true. there is something wrong with me which is why at the age of 24 i've never had a serious relationship. or even a relationship honestly. if i can't make it past "the talk" then really it doesn't count. yea, i'm a bit depressed. happy 24 to me. i knew it was gonna be a bad year...

*sigh* he doesn't see us dating. he said that when he dates it's not a light fun thing and he could see us having fun but nothing hardcore. so yea. he likes me enough to date casually but not anything more than that. not exactly what i expected to hear quite honestly. so i'm a bit sad now indeed. cuz i thought he just didn't want to date anyone at all. but really it's just cuz i'm not good enough. that's what it boils down to. (this is nothing new to me...) he said that the reason things were always so back and forth was cuz he wanted to try being more than friends but then he just doesn't see us working so he backed off the other night. *sigh* once again no one ever thinks i'm worthy to date. i must be horrible or something. i don't understand. the guy's always say i'm so cute and awesome and whatever. yet they couldn't date me. i'm gonna die alone. i just know it. this is just a tad bit depressing right now. cuz i've NEVER found a guy who thought he could date me. NEVER. that's why i never make it past the first month. or never even begin at all! =( this really is depressing actually. and if u think i'm kidding, think again. i'm gonna crawl in a hole and cry... *sigh*

man i really like joe. and once we have a chat about it all and it all comes to a crashing end, i'll be sad. well not sad, but kind of deflated just knowing that the little toying and flirting will be over. =/ ugh it sucks. i really like him. and i know that he likes me in some regard. it's just so obvious. but alas he won't let it happen. so sad...but i guess once this is all over i can focus (or not focus rather) on being single and asexual once again. after all, that is for the best it seems. especially with these fucking asshole men running around. i still haven't decided if i want to call friendster boy today for the tentative dinner plans. part of me just doesn't even wanna deal with him again. and the other part of me thinks if we did have dinner it would be fun. i dunno. whatever. i'm disenchanted at the moment. we'll see how i feel at the end of the work day.

who needs men? i've got great friends. i just loafed around today at various places. i went to dan's and we went to amoeba together. then we went to brian's and hung out there and i just got home from hanging out there. it was a nice chill day. no men necessary. well, men in the sense of men to date. cuz i mean brian and dan are men. haha anyway, this shitty ass weekend has come to an end. time to start a new fresh week and get ready for coachella!!!

the first day of a brand new jen. a jen who won't fall prey to men's bullshit and if given the chance will probably throw it right back at them. ben and i are no longer myspace friends. haha it's downright juvenile. i called friendster guy and basically he's a socially lazy fucktard. so whatever. we might have dinner this week. might... i don't really give a shit. the only guy i give a shit about in that regard is joe. but that's another can of worms. anyway, no more men. no more dating. if some guy comes along who's like totally awesome and into me, he can do all the legwork and maybe it'll work. cuz i'm giving up for awhile. til i detox from this bullshit.

i think i might go to amoeba today since i have credit there and i feel like buying something. we shall see.

so i've truly decided to stop dating men for awhile. i say this a lot but i really mean it right now. i've been burned too much lately to date anymore. and it's so bad that i'm not even sure i can trust a guy on a date anymore. like whenever i go on my next date, i'm basically not going to believe a word he says. wtf? it should NOT be that way. but given the recent occurances, i think this suspicion is warranted. men are fucking assholes and all i ask for is a little sincerity. that's it! i'm not saying that after one date you gotta fall in love with me. i'm not even saying that after one date we have to go on another date. i'm just saying that i don't want to hear any lies or bullshit. don't say u had a good time if u didn't. don't say u wanna see me again if u don't. that's really all i'm asking for. a little fucking sincerity. so with friendster guy, he didn't have to pretend like he cared or wanted to see me again. he could easily have just said no. and ben. fucking ben! we had made specific plans and he didn't follow through. i mean WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? that's just fucking bullshit. we joked about how we made plans for two separate nights and that if we didn't have a good time on the first night we wouldn't want to go out with each other again. and it was a joke. and hell, that could have been the reality. he could have not had a good time at dinner the other night. but don't fucking tell me you had a good time. and don't fucking reaffirm our plans for the movie and then chicken out and not answer your phone when i call u today. just don't fucking do that! i finally called around the time of the movie when i knew i was being stood up and just left a bad message because i figured i'd never talk to him again so might as well call him out on his bullshit. i plan to call friendster guy tomorrow and give him a piece of my mind too. i know none of this solves anything but at least i feel a little bit better. goddamn mutherfuckers. i can't fucking believe men.

and none of this is directed at joe either. so don't think that it is. the joe situation is quite different. it's delicate and needs to be dealt with in a completely different manner. we were high last night and shit happaned and things were said and now we need to just close up the lose ends and move forward. so until that happens it's pointless to talk about because it's mostly speculation. i think it's time for a reprise of last night's late night shenanigans...party of one.

i think i have officially lost ALL faith in men. ALL...

oh boy. last night was a little weird. i'm gonna hold back the details til i have all the proper information. but let's just say that it was a lot of fun but quite odd. and things need to be discussed further.

i just got back from dinner with ben. the duck was so fucking good. sadly they don't seem to serve dim sum at night. what the hell was i thinking?? like duh jen. dim sum isn't a night thing! hello! i've NEVER had dim sum at night. i don't know why this didn't occur to me. sheesh! anyway i had a really good time. we both laughed a lot which is always good. he knows how OCD i am. eesh. but he said he had a good time and we are slated to see a clockwork orange together on saturday. so that's good. it's funny how my week's plans escalated so quickly. cuz on monday i asked joe to see the movie with me. he said yes. then he remembered he was going to the smell to see some band and asked if i wanted to try and go after the movie. meet him there. i said maybe. so then i asked ben to coffee. and coffee escalated to dinner. and then escalated to dinner tonight and movie saturday! and my tenative plans to maybe meet up with joe escalated to us full on going together and him taking me to dinner beforehand and us celebrating a belated 4-20 after. woo! i can't wait. i already feel like it's the weekend cuz of my dinner tonight. this month has been good and it just keeps getting better! coachella is NEXT weekend. fuckin eh. good times all around. and yea, this ben kid is cool. i eagerly await saturday. i also eagerly await tomorrow night. even if there will just be more frustration i'm sure. i'm going to make an attempt to end that...if only for the night. yessir.

ah thursday. nearing the end of the week. i feel like the week has flown by but really it hasn't. i think i just had shit to do everyday after work so i never got bored. that's great! tonight is dim sum! i made the decision. dim sum tonight/ movie saturday. gotta keep tomorrow clear cuz i made tenative plans with joe guy. ugh! the bane of my existence!!! brian and i talked about me and joe guy. he said that the reason gabe got a ride home on friday was cuz he saw me and joe together and didn't wanna fuck anything up. so he got a ride home and joe was thankful for that apparently. but like wtf? no follow through! joe stayed til 6am and NOTHING happened. i swear to god it's so frustrating with that boy. cuz i seriously think that we both like each other but it just won't happen. i'm not about to stick my neck out on the line when i know that he's got ex-gf/doesn't want a relationship issues. and i feel like he's back and forth with the idea of liking me. i dunno. i could be totally wrong. but that's how i see it. apparently it's quite obvious that we like each other to some degree cuz we hang out so much. and at functions we are always together. ugh. jesus christ! anyway, the frustration will continue tomorrow if we hang out again. but whatever. in the meantime i will look forward to my dim sum dinner with ben tonight!!! i'm soooo excited for this. you have no idea.

dinner with brian was FANTASTIC! we don't chat as much as we used to which is a shame so it was great to get dinner together. we sat at doughboys for like 2 hours and left cuz they were gonna close soon. good shit. i mean i know i'm excited about the dim sum, but it's totally different. dinner with a dear friend takes the cake any day. that's for damn sure. thanks brian! =)

and thanks to everyone who called and left me happy birthday voicemails. i couldn't answer my phone all day for various reasons...one being work. and calling everyone back to thank them would take a really long time. so a nice general thank you will, i hope, suffice.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

omg. so aside from the bday stuff which i'll get to in a minute cuz it's not very exciting per se, i was on the phone with ky about how i'm going to get dim sum tomorrow with ben and how i'm SOOOOO excited. cuz i really want dim sum and peking duck. like i really just can't wait. so like i get off the fone with her and then like 5 minutes later ben calls me. and so then i go on and on about how excited i am to go to dinner. and then i realize if he's calling me today there must be a glitch in the plans. and as it turns out he has a party he has to go to tomorrow night. he said we can still get dinner but if we wanted to hang out it wouldn't be possible unless i went to the party with him but i wouldn't know anyone. so then he asked if i had gotten anyone to see a clockwork orange with me cuz i had slipped that in about how it's playing at the new bev friday and i wanted to go but if i couldn't get anyone to go with me then i was free for dinner on friday as well. when he didn't respond about that i assumed he didn't want to see the movie with me. but on the phone just now he asked if i had gotten anyone to go with me and i said no. so then he offered up friday as an alternate. dinner and movie. but 1) i would have to wait an extra day for the dinner, and 2) we might not make it to the movie due to logistics. so then i was like, well if i have to wait another day to eat this food, i might as well wait yet one more day and we can see the movie and eat dinner on saturday when there are no logistical problems. and then he offered the idea of eating tomorrow and seeing the movie on either friday or saturday...provided we have a good time at dinner and would want to spend time together again...joking of course. so now i'm not sure what to do. i'm leaning towards splitting the nights. cuz if he's cool it'd be cool to have plans with him 2 nights. also cuz i REALLY want this food asap. i don't want to wait til saturday! haha but yea. our convo was hilarious and he laughs funny in a cute way. i was so dead at his party and so hyper/normal jen on the phone that he must now realize that i'm totally not like the girl he saw the other night. which is good. cuz that's NOT me! haha so anyway....

today is my birthday! i'm not doing anything particular except having dinner with brian. not that that's not special. but typically on our bdays we always do the whole cake and gifts thing that day. but since we did that on friday with james, tonight really is dry. so dinner with brian at doughboys is a lovely treat. completely overshadowed by the thoughts of peking duck, but still a lovely treat indeed. velvet cake for sure tonight!

aside from that, one of my coworkers got me some toys for my computer top. very nice of him. all the rest of them have toys resting on their monitors and mine is so bare. so now i have toys too! i'm excited. i LOVE playmobil toys! i went to target and bought too much random crap. and my ericofon came in the mail from ebay. it's supposed to work but i have yet to figure it out yet. it better work or i'm gonna be pissed. it's this old school phone and i LOVE it! rotary dial and everything. fuck yea.

payday! my very first payday with my new job. yay! looks like i'll be able to save money every month too. if i spend both of my paychecks completely, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO SMACK ME. that would mean i was buying excessive amounts of shit. haha i could see myself doing that if i wasn't a sensible person. so yea. anyway, i went to the place where i do freelance work as well to look at the proofs and i met the man who pays my checks there too. he's nice. younger than i expected. we had a nice awkward chat since i don't know him. haha he gave me some cds of bands i don't know! haha then i went to my old internship to visit them. i miss the place. it's just not the same! oh well. and now i'm here and i'm going to scan the photobooth photos and put them online. woo! then later me and brian are going to an art exhibit. something to do with pixel art or something. thursday i made plans to have dinner with the ben kid who's bday party i went to on saturday. we're going to get dim sum! apparently the place has really good peking duck. oooh i can't wait! and the little carts will all the dim sum....mmmm... we're both quite excited. i can't wait! oh and friendster boy messaged me last nite. whoop dee friggin doo.

omg. what a LONG ass weekend. i'm soooo fucking tired and i'm at work right now. at least no one comes in til 8 so i can be tired with no one around for a little bit. this weekend was packed full of stuff to the point where i basically was only home to sleep and shower. not even eat. i think i ate all my meals outside the house all weekend.

so friday was the big nite. the bday celebrations for me and james. lots of people showed up and as usual, we didn't leave on time. that's cuz people were late!!! anyway, we all got our drink on and it was lovely. i was definitely intoxicated by the time we left the house. all 25 or so of us piled into various van taxis that rolled up to our house one by one as they were available. we had a huge posse going to boardners. once we all got there we proceeded to drink more. people bought me all sorts of drinks which was awesome and by midnight we busted out of that joint and headed over to the lanes. all these people showed up that i either didn't know or barely knew. friends of friends of friends bascially. i didn't care. the more the merrier! everyone rocked that photobooth like no other and i'll be posting the strips online later tonight when i get a chance to scan them. there are some goodies indeed. while at the lans i don't recall the details. and not because i was wasted. cuz quite frankly i wasn't. more because there were just sooo many people i couldn't keep track of what was going on. and everyone just kept taking photos which was awesome. i think i have like 20 strips or something. good shit. after the lanes closed at 2 we all headed over to mel's diner. yes yes i agree mel's isn't that good and is overpriced, but it was the best thing in walking distance that could hopefully fit us all. i really didn't think it would work but it did. a huge long table in the back for 25+ of us. it was ridiculous. after that some people left and some came back to my place to hang out more. joe was supposed to take gabe home and was just saying his goodbyes to me when gabe came up to him and told him claire would be picking him up so joe guy could stay. how nice of gabe to let joe off the hook. too bad joe and i didn't capitalize on this. damnit!

joe did end up staying til about 6am when we were both super tired and he had to go to work in 6 hours. we just sorta sat and chatted about random crap in my room. it's starting to pain me again. i was totally cool not too long ago. but now i'm starting to really like joe again. and it sucks. he's really goddamn cool and this toying with each other is insanely frustrating!!! but alas, nothing will ever amount to it i swear.

the next day (saturday) i woke up super tired but left my house fairly quickly to go to pasadena with two interns i used to work with. we went to see the mark ryden exhibit. it was good! i like his work. very weird and cute in this eerie way. after the exhibit we went to denny's. then i headed back to LA where me and rick went to his sister's fiance's neice's bday party. they rented a jumper thingymabob. enough said. we stayed there for a couple hours. then went back home to get ready for a bday party for this guy named ben who i met thru justin. ollie came with us. the party started off really slow and we felt so awkward. but then as it picked up it got good. sadly i chose to be the driver for the night and didn't drink. i definitely needed it that night. ollie left early and so it was just me and rick. but rick was all over the place and i was just tired. we ended up staying til 4am. i was definitely pulling one for the team. ben came and talked to me a bit though at the end while i was just sitting there alone and tired. he seems quite cool and he was looking quite spiffy. very nice outfit i thought. i think we'll be having coffee sometime this week. maybe that will take my mind off of joe guy for a bit. cuz honestly it's fucking painful sometimes.

yesterday i woke up super tired again after having gone to bed at 6am on friday night and 5am on saturday night. but alas, no sleep for me. i had to get up to go to gabe's bbq. me and rick went to joe's house and then he took us from there. it was a lot of fun. the fun went from 1pm to midnight basically. lots burgers and beers. some pool action. some hot tub action. absinthe. people falling in the pool. everything. by the end of the night i was tired as hell. we had relocated the party from gabe's to claire's too cuz gabe's hot tub wasn't working and claire's complex has one. it was good times all around and when i got home last nite i showered and went straight to bed.

and now here i am. totally beat and at work. this day is going to be painful. i realize mondays and thursdays are the worst. oh well. just gotta barrel thru. i just won my ebay auction for this kickass vintage phone. it was pricey but not as pricey as it could be. i also bought the polaroid book online since none of my friends got it for me. unless it comes in the mail soon from them in which case i'll just return this one at a store and get some other book. at any rate, these are my bday gifts to myself. fun fun. and now it's time to actually do some work.

in honor of tax day...

...from my favorite online comic - diesel sweeties

so i forgot to eat last night and tonight. but i remembered i have leftovers today so now i'm eating those. i got my haircut and i think i like it. TBD. went to rudy's where the other girls go. cool place. very cool place. was gonna go get some of jame's gifts but instead i totally passed out on my bed for like 4 hours and i just woke up and believe u me, i will be able to back to sleep. i'm tired as hell. thursdays suck! anyway i had some weird fucked up dreams. i think i'm getting sick. and i'm still totally not awake right now.

everything sounds better in threes.

omg. i swear today has been totally ridiculous in the work dept. i was so productive it's not even funny. yet at the same time i didn't get anything done in one dept. so yea. it was a mess. freelance crap just went all awry. but i think we are back on track and ready to go. i dont think i'll ever take on a project where i'm fixing shit again. cuz the people just don't set up their files properly. or don't collect their fonts manually. something. always fucks up. anyway, josh is supposed to come over to work on website stuff. woo! he lives so close to me now with his "wife" as i like to call her. cuz it's like he's fuckin married. haha

men are motherfuckin lame. so i happened to be on friendster with the kid was on. and so we chatted. like via their horrible chat function. anyway, he says he's super busy. yadda yadda. he will call me soon. yadda yadda. i told him straight up, i'm not calling anymore. cuz i'm sick of calling and leaving messages. if he wants to call me he can call me. etc etc. he claims to be sorry and whatnot. whatever. he can call me if he wants. i ain't expecting any miracles though. he seems sincere and whatnot. but anyone can seem anything. i can seem like a bitch if i want. doesn't mean i am one. whatever. if it's one thing i learned it's that u can't hold your breath with any man. cuz 9 times out of 10 they are duds. if only joe guy wanted to date. damn that would be awesome. we'd have so much fun together. i mean we do as it is as friends. just imagine...or maybe it would be worse? who knows. i like when he gives me piggyback rides though. that's really fun. oh joe guy...

sounds like friday is gonna be jam-packed with people. how exciting! i told friendster kid i was gonna invite him if we got to hang out beforehand but since we aren't it's pointless cuz it'd just be awkward. like he wanted to come anyway. ha! i'm sure it's all a fucking front. even if he says it's not. altho i'm not certain why he'd bother to even chat. probably cuz deep down he's a nice guy who doesn't want to be a dick. so he's just a part-time dick. on call.

goodnight.

it's been so long since i went to my haircut man that his shop closed! now i'll never find him!! i bet he still cuts from his house but i don't know where he lives. damnit! now i gotta find a new place fast. cuz i wanna get my hair cut before friday's big event. gah! at least my water-filled hula hoop is fun.

work was 10 times better today even if i got less sleep last nite than i needed. my freelance work is consuming my free time and i need to go get my haircut now. the friendster boy is whatever and meanwhile some other dude from friendster and some other dude from myspace messaged me and they all went to the same college that original friendster boy went too! wtf? and its not like this college is nearby. weird. anyway, i'm swamped it seems. work is good but it's work. i don't really have free time. i went to lunch with jessica today though which was cool. looks like the bday is gonna be good. lots of folks are gonna show up! woo! i'm gonna go buy a water filled hula hoop. i think i have more to say but i'm too scattered right now to say it.

whoa. i just went a little nuts shopping online. but for a good reason. i had to buy jason, mel, and kyla's bday gifts. and ky and mel i didn't get xmas gifts for so i had to find even more things! i got jason and mel's totally down. so hopefully they will arrive on time for me to send them to SF. jason's might be a little late. oh well. i'm not done with all of ky's stuff tho but i've got time since her bday is a little ways off. altho i wanna bring it when i go home for memorial day cuz why send when u can bring in person?! i found something that i think she'd really like but alas it's way too expensive. so i settled for other nifty items. and in the process i found something i want and by god i'm gonna buy it on ebay and it's gonna be fucking rad in my room!

i forgot to call the guy last nite. bleh whatever. ill call tonight. im not too excited either way. haha the enthusiasm is entirely lost.

today was a shitty day. and still is. my allergies are flaring up and i can't breathe very well. my stomach hurts. not sure why. i sorta feel like puking. ugh. the day was quick cuz i was working on one thing like ALL goddamned day. i felt very off today. hopefully tomorrow will be better. all 4 of us were very quiet. i think cuz it was monday. oh well.

i went to attempt to turn in my paperwork to contest my parking ticket i got awhile back. I KNOW I AM RIGHT!!! and i know i'll never get my money back. there was a woman at the parking bureau who heard me talking to the woman at the window and she said she tried to contest her ticket once with photos and it didn't work. she didn't mean to dissuade me but yea. fuck the city. u can't just go around giving false parking tickets. it's fucking BULLSHIT. ugh! it makes me so goddamned angry.

anyway, i just got paid for 2 freelance gigs so that's nice. and coachella is 3 wks away. i can't wait!

my bday is just around the corner and this friday me and james are celebrating together. the plans arent solid just yet but will be soon. i just found a new spot with a photobooth and i think this is a better idea. but i gotta confirm with james first before sending out the massmailing.

but that being said, i will make a bday list of gifts much like i did for xmas. feel free to pick and choose whatever u want from this list to get me or anything else cool u think i'd like that i haven't thought of. cuz i know i am unaware of a lot of cool things out there. especially things in boutiques. anyway, there isn't much order to the list other than my top thing i want is the polaroid book. above all the rest. and if are u trying to choose btwn a dvd or cd, i'd rather u get me a dvd since i buy those less often. there is no order to the dvds or cds except alpha order. so choose whatever u want. eventually i'll own them all. so it doesn't really matter.

- the polaroid book

- 2 tickets to a show at the disney concert hall (i don't even care what the show is really. i just wanna get dressed up and go cuz the building is so fucking rad)

- gift certificate to the vans store so i can get the red checkboard slip-ons

- gift certificate to urban outfitters so i can buy some overpriced trendy clothes or a pair of asics onitsuka tiger shoes

- gift certificate to nordstroms so i lessen the damage of a pair of rad looking lacoste shoes that cost WAY too much

dvds
- before sunset
- being john malkovich
- chasing amy (criterion collection)
- fargo (special edition)
- fight club (special edition - 2 discs)
- in the company of men
- seinfeld seasons 1, 2, & 3
- twelve monkeys
- usual suspects (special edition)

cds
- bravery - self titled
- doves - "some cities"
- muse - "origin of symmetry"
- muse - "showbiz"
- zero 7 - "simple things"

it never fails. our plans to meet new people never seem to work out. we all went to stacey's party last nite thinking we'd meet a bunch of new people since over the half the party was gonna be people she works with and her roommate's friends. and while that latter half of that statement is true, we still barely met anyone. probably because they were all way too cool for school. as everyone got more drunk and dancing began in the living room, we found that we (the all-encompassing "we" of SC folk) were the only ones shaking our asses. the rest of the people looked at us like we were sideshow freaks! we started a conga line twice to recruit people to dance. no luck. it was downright dispicable. don't these people know how to party? or are they too cool to mingle with us non-industry folk? whatever. "we" had a good time! and as usual, when the alcohol is flowing the same ole pairing up ensues.

my thoughts of trying to hook up with joe guy were only partially realized at the end of the night. we danced a lot together and drank a lot to the point where at the end of the dancing night, we were slow-dancing to marvin gaye's "let's get it on" and i proclaimed i felt like i was in high school. to which joe replied, "but high school wasn't quite like this." referring to the fact that we were closer than two non-dating high school kids would ever be. around 3am (i think) we got kicked out cuz stacey and her roommates wanted to go to bed. so a group of us went back to jessica's to continue the party. her place was optimal because she had the most liquor. yes folks, we wanted to drink even more! haha

at jessica's i basically felt like passing out but joe guy wouldn't let me and we kinda got a bit cozy here and there. next thing i know we're making out on the floor. but i hate PDA's so it didn't happen for too long. then we sorta passed out in one seat together. and then again on the floor. finally around 6am guillermo took us back to my place. joe guy didn't spend the nite cuz he had to get up in a couple hours and be somewhere by his house. so no full on hooking up happened. *sigh*

it's funky...joe and i. it's like we're two kids who like each other yet won't do anything about it. so we just sorta flirt and kiss. nothing more. perhaps it's really for the best being that we're friends and all. i'm kind of ok with the setup we've got going here. haha oh and i found out something about joe that i find oddly sexy.

as for the friendster boy. i think he's a bust quite frankly. he didn't come to the party as i expected. and maybe that was for the best. i doubt i'll see him at all this week. i'll probably call tonight to ask. i'm persistant but i'm not stupid. i know when someone is just laundry listing to me things he has to do in order to show that there is no time to hang out. and honestly, i'd rather he just fucking tell me he doesn't want to hang out. i mean really. so i think when i call and ask if he wants to do something in the middle of the week and he'll say something like "well i don't know. i'll probably have to work late all this week. it'll just depend on each day." (he's been working late everyday to prep his commercial) i'll bounce back with, "alright. just tell me if u don't wanna hang out. cuz i can take it. we're adults. every time i've asked u to do something u give me a wishy washy answer. just tell me so we don't have to waste each other's time." cuz seriously, i don't have time to be wasting on some stupid boy. i just don't. so yea, we'll see tonight when i call....again....

first week of work DONE! woo! it was a good week. computer problems UP THE ASS but a good week. i realize now the importance of working with good people that u like because goddamn u see a lot of them. so if u dont like them, it'd be like working in hell 40 hours a week. and who wants that? not i. that's for sure. i also realize i get really tired just sitting on my ass at a computer. i always lack energy when i get home. probably because i'm atrofying daily. not really but u get my drift. i think now that it's nice and sunny out i should go running or something when i get home. i think that would help energize me for the rest of the nite.

the boy and i have been calling back and forth but no solid plans. he might try to make it to stacey's party tonight. he's going to his friend's band's show so we'll see if he calls me or not. he seems socially lazy. he even admits to just sorta letting everyone do the planning and he shows up. i can't say that bothers me but i can't say i like that. altho i'm such a planner i could plan enough for the both of us. i plan everything else as it is it seems. anyway, whatever. this wishy washy correspondance has left me apathetic towards this whole deal. if something happens it happens. if it doesn't it doesn't. i'm not gonna stress.

meanwhile last nite i went out with joe guy. it seems like every friday we are always antsy to do something and there's nothing really happening. so we call each other to figure something out. last nite i scouted out a potential bar for me and jame's bday celebrations next week. it's this bar sami told me about that has a photobooth. joe said he'd come with me. so the two of us went. we had a decent time. chill. the bar is sort of an older crowd. and the photobooth was out of order. so i think if the shortstop's backroom is open i'll just have people go there. cuz this place wasn't really the right setting. but joe and has good chats about dating and whatnot. and even tho i'm totally over him, just talking about it all made me sorta like him again. just for the time being. cuz we were talking a LOT about dating and types and whatnot. after we got back here we just hung out in my room for like an hour or so. just chatting more. then it got to be late so he left. he's a good guy. good to have around. lots of positive energy. i like that.

anyhoo, i had lunch today with sahar. she's such a nice girl. i love it. too bad she lives down in the OC now. she used to live so close! we have this bond over the fact that noah was a dick to both of us. but TEN MILLION times worse for her than me. god i feel bad for her. i had no idea what sort of person he was. and now i do and i'm appalled really. good fucking god. oh well. we all have to go through something shitty to know what it's like. for me it was john. oh john....ugh!

tonight is stacey's housewarming party. looking fwd to it. lots of new faces i hope since i don't know her roommates, their friends, and their coworkers. should be fun. maybe the boy will come. maybe he won't. joe guy will be there regardless. maybe we can get him liquored up and we can hook up. haha that would be fun! ;)

just when u wanna hate men...they fucking come thru. ugh! i swear. sometimes i really just wanna hate men. and then i can't. anyway, yes he just called me. and yes he just got out of work. so no he's not a fucking asshole. but whatever. i think sometimes i'll come up with anything to hate men. haha anyway now that i've spent more of my time not doing my work and showering, it's about time i hop to it.

maybe he is an asshole? i dunno. i'm giving up. i tried calling tonight with no answer. i left a message saying i wouldn't call again until he called me back. cuz either he's ignoring me cuz he's a fuckin asshole or he's too fuckin busy to call me back. or some such nonsense. either way, i'm basically going to just forget about him. and if he calls he calls. i'll worry then. cuz u can't go trippin on bullshit. when i'm at work i'm so busy with other crap i hardly have time to worry about boys anyway. u know? and then i get home and i'm tired. so then i can't worry too much either cuz i'm half asleep! haha anyway....

i think some tiny bit of bleach got on my AA sweater cuz there are specks and i don't like it. it's so sad. it's my fave sweater. hoodie rather. let's get specific. oh and i still haven't put away my underwear yet. boo. i hate doing it. it might sit here another day. terrible! one more day of work tho. woo! i can't wait for the weekend. now i totally understand...

man i really like having two monitors at work. i may just have to splurge and buy a second monitor. i'm considering buying a cheap one on ebay. cuz now that i have the luxury, it's hard to go back!

my laundry is taking FOREVER. i have WAY too many clothes. its ludicrous i realize. over 100 tops! not necessary. and i just chucked like 20 tops into a bag for good will too. muthatrucka! i just called the boy and had a very off conversation. then his fone died. so now i'm entirely disenchanted. whatever. he can call me whenever his fone is ready...and he is ready. the convo was just SO off. maybe he's not a fone person. or maybe i'm entirely out of it. after all it is that time of the month. anywho, more laundry to fold. then shower. then freelance work. then bed. what a lovely fuckin night.

and if u haven't found this gem already, go to www.woxy.com and start streaming their radio NOW. it's fuckin good. indie 103 is sorta indie but this is REALLY indie and i fuckin love it. all this shit i've NEVER heard before. a lot of bands i've heard of but don't know ANYTHING about.

out.

woo! my first post from work at my own computer. the bugs STILL aren't ALL worked out yet. one of my monitors is fucked. yes i said "one of." we each get two monitors. i LOVE it. i have so much more room to design now. its great. i'm gonna miss this function when i get home...oh well. anyway, back to work!

work was good today. still no computer! but i got a lot of stuff done and i felt really productive. the day hardly seemed 9 hours. then i went to return something and bought more clothes. ugh! the death of me. cheap clothes but still. tonight im going to cinespace to see fischerspooner with james. got on the guestlist from the old connections. yay! i'll be tired in the morning. boo. tomorrow after work: laundry and freelance work. (to pay for all the clothes i've bought recently!)

he messaged back! my faith in men is restored....

the first day of work was great. i like the people and the office. it's really chill. i dig it. the office will be moving in a month or so to culver city. should be less corporate. woo! they still don't have a computer for me yet which sucks but it should be ready tomorrow. woo!

i know i have more to say but i'm just on my high right now because i don't have to hate men again! woo!!! thank god. i really thought i was losing it there. not being able to tell who is acting and who isn't. and wracking my brain as to HOW he could be SUCH an asshole? and such a good actor. thank god it wasn't true. cuz i had this idea of what sort of voicemail i would leave him if he never did get back to me. and it would have been mean but whatever. he would have deserved it. but thank god he's not an asshole. of thank god!

my new current obsession: "sweet thing" by van morrison

they didn't have my shoes so i had to order them online. i hope they come soon! i know what size i am at least cuz i tried them on in another color.

oh and i appeased myself my sending that boy a friendster message. so we'll see if he responds to that. emily suggested a text message but i already sent the friendster one. so i dunno. could be overkill. i think i'll just wait it out some more. i guess this is for the best really. better to know sooner rather than later. but still! it seemed so good! fuckin eh. men...u just can't win can ya? and it's not like i'm asking for a relationship or anything really. i'm asking for a little courtesy of a callback. that's it! just a friend return of my call. he could call me and say that he didn't want to see my again and sure that'd be a bummer but at least i'd know 100% cuz i'd hear it straight out. instead all of this nonsense waiting. ugh. bullshit.

i don't fucking get it. i've run thru the day over and over. trying to figure out why the hell this fucker hasn't called me back. i could see if it didn't go well. but it went so well. or so it seemed. in my opinion, if u weren't interested, u wouldn't keep the day going. he didn't have to go bowling with me and my friends. he even had to buy socks! we went to ross! he kept saying he wanted me to help him decorate his room. he wanted us to sit and listen to air on the beach by his house. and when we left the car for what would be the last time of the nite, i wanted my cds back cuz i didn't want to leave them in his car. he wanted to keep them so that way i'd have to see him again. i wouldn't let that happen. and goddamn, if he doesn't call me back, it's a bloody fucking good thing i didn't leave them in there. huh? in the morning when we woke up i tried to get up to possibly answer the phone and he wouldn't let me go. he grabbed me cuz he wanted to cuddle more. and when we walked to his car we kissed several times before he left. and right before he left he asked me if i wanted to get breakfast. he even said he had a really good time with me. who does any of this if they aren't interested? am i blind? are men really THAT good of actors that i can't tell? i mean maybe this just goes to show that when something seems like it's going well (ie. ollie) it really isn't?! anyway, if he doesn't call me today (which i assume he won't) then i'm going to have to call him back at least one more time. some time in the middle of the week. just because i have to. i can't let this rest at one phone call. what if he never got the message? i don't fucking know. that's completely unlikely. but u never fucking know. everyone seems to think that there must be a good reason he hasn't called. and i want to think that same thing. but hell, i'm really starting to doubt that idea and starting to think he's just another fucking asshole like the rest of the men in this world (minus my guy friends). this just really throws me for a loop in the dating world cuz if he never does call back, i'm basically going to doubt every date i go on. cuz i'll think it went well and then really it didn't. or some such nonsense. oh good lord.

anyway....

i can't sleep. maybe it's knowing i have to wake up early tomorrow for my FIRST DAY OF WORK! *gasp* entering the real world. i'm not ready! last nite we went to see the roots at usc. it was springfest and it was free. i wasn't really into it at first but by the end they got me. they put on a damn good show and their music is actually quite good. so yea. i was sold. their naerly 2 hour set was just awesome. then after that we went back to jessica's and drank and played games. altho i really didn't do much of either. but i still had a good time.

today i'm gonna attempt to buy these cute shoes i've been eying for ages. maybe do some laundry. we'll see. it's my last free day. gah! not sure what to do.

i don't want to make assumptions about men being complete duds, but i think i will anyway. and if i'm wrong, shoot me. it just doesn't make any sense cuz he seemed so cool. oh well. whatever. fuck men...

so last nite was just not what i needed. i mean i held my ground. i pretended i was having a decent time. but really i wanted to get the hell out of there. i met up with the dude at his house. we had an awkward exchange of words. then went to american apparel where i bought a bathing suit at like 10pm. it was weird shopping so late! and for a bathing suit. but i knew what i wanted. i just had to try it on. then we went to the shortstop and met his friends there. they were nice. but it was just so awkward. of course he talked to me about guys and when i used to date john which was when i met him. he used to like me then. and quite honestly, i think he still likes me. and so it was just plain awkward. we finally left at like 12:30 and i took him home. he asked me twice if i wanted to chill at his place. but i feigned tiredness and just said goodbye. he seemed a bit disappointed. but hey, this is how it has to be. i didn't not go out with him just because i was dating john. i didn't go out with him cuz i wasn't interested! he must understand that. oh well. whatever. i don't feel bad cuz hell, i've been turned down by so many men. probably including this current one. even tho it seemed to have gone so well. maybe he's just a damn fine actor. or maybe there's a good excuse. we shall see.

yay for warm staturdays with bright sun and orange sherbert. woo!

i just got home from my last day at my internship. it was sorta sad. i know i'll go back and visit but it won't be the same. i gave the ex crush back his book and slipped a note inside. nothing drastic. i considered writing "shoulda, coulda, woulda" but didn't. only cuz i know i'll be back in the office to visit sooner than there would be time to forget i wrote such a note. saying goodbye to most of the people was rather simple and normal. only my goodbye to one girl was really good. cuz she said she didn't respond to my email because she was going to draft a really long thank you one. then she decided she would get a card and put it in the card. but then she knew i'd be back so soon that she didn't want to really say goodbye. she's very nice. i offered to continue doing the sampler for her for free just because i like doing it and because it's for her.

anyway...last nite was cool cuz i was really chill and i just hung out in my neighborhood. i went to brian's for a bit and hung out there. then went to joe guys's friend's house and hung out there. then joe guy came back here and swapped music with me. then rick started talking about relationships and joe guy admitted he didn't want anything serious now cuz he had a 3 year one in college that took a year to end basically. so now i know. i could probably hook up with him but nothing more. and rick and i both agree that it was a perfect way to end that crush. the way it happened. so smooth. it was awesome. i feel great about it actually. and now onto the new boy. which may never pan out. we'll just have to wait and see. the ball is in his court.

tonight i think i'm gonna head over the american apparel store to maybe buy a new bathing suit. then meet up with this dude who used to go to AI. he called me up totally randomly after i hadn't talked to him in like months and months. we always meant to hang out but never did. and part of it was cuz i knew he was interested in me and i felt awkward. but i'm feeling fine about meeting with him and his friends at the shortstop. so i think i will. i have nothing else to do really. so why the hell not?