blargh. i'm pissed off. all this past week everyone was off having their merry little christmases while i was home alone doing jackshit. and so i was waiting for revisions and whatnot on my freelance work. and now that everyone is back they have all this shit for me to do and i'm going on MY VACATION. ugh. it's already somewhat ruined by the shit that must get done in time. i'm pissed. at least i'm about to leave work. and go home and attempt to nap altho i've got shit i must get done beforehand. ugh.

yay yay yay. going to SF tonight! can't wait. at work now. it's just a matter of time before i'm outta here and on the road. cannot wait! it's supposed to be pouring like a mofo up there though which sucks. but whatever. u take what u can get. H&M tomorrow! woo woo woo. i don't even have words to describe the joy of getting out of LA for these few brief days. so i will leave it to silence for now.

i FINALLY got my haircut and redyed it jet black. i like it. the cut is cute. not really shorter but more shapely. the guy that cut my hair was the guy that amanda went out with on a few dates. he seemed nice. and i like how he handled my hair. took his time and did a good job. both stacey and joe guy approved. joe said this is his favorite haircut on me of all the one's he's seen! good stuff. but yea. joe came by to get his DP shirt and just so i could see him since it's been 2 months since i last saw him. he's still the same ole awesome joe. fun and hyper and cute as hell. stacey stopped by to get these leggings i bought for her and also to see joe. so then we did a whole rehash of 2005. all the good times. i should list them all some time. not now because i'm getting tired and still have to pack for SF and finish up some crap.

back to the calm world. i think all the engines flared enough. and now i feel better. i'm even going to get my hair cut today! andy called me while at work so we didn't get to talk much. i will speak with him later. i hope he has positive words about v-day. otherwise i will be sad damnit. S. A. D. i got a lamé triangle bra today for $2.50 at our closeout store. woo woo. i can't wait to sport it under a white shirt or something where u can kinda see it and kinda can't. good times that will be. ok back to pseudo-working.

like a little kid. i'm tired of complaining and being upset. mommy can we just go home now?

u know what else i'd like to rant about? two things.

1) people who leave the door slightly ajar in my office. numerous times a day people go in and out of this door. and i sit right by the door. normally the office gets hot and stuffy. so sometimes we keep the door open wide for ventilation. but i absolutely HATE HATE HATE when people leave the door slightly open. because i get the complete draft. it all hits me. the little wind tunnel picks up and focuses on me because i'm the only one by the door to get it. ugh i can't stand it.

2) BUMS. ok so normally i'm sorta whatever about bums. if they just keep to themselves i'm fine. or if they politely ask for change or whatever and i say no and they are ok with it. then fine. that's there lot in life. c'est la vie. sometimes i feel for them because i have seen bums attempt to get jobs at stores and i can just see the people that work there reluctantly giving them an application. knowing full well the bum's never getting hired. so some try. but everyday i go to work i pass by skid row. and this is like the hellest of hells. bums EVERYWHERE. i bet it smells like shit. actual shit. my boss said he sees at least one bum piss OR shit daily on his way to work. that's just gross. i don't really pay enough attention to notice that stuff thankfully. but what i do notice is that bums just walk right out in front of my fucking car. and at night i can barely see them. so i'm swerving left and right and it's mutherfucking annoying. today on the way to work this same thing occured. i saw the bum coming. just walking right in front of my car. not running. walking. i had to swerve to not hit him. shit. can't handle it. can't handle driving.

yesterday i was driving down the street and this car in front of me just stops. right in front of me. two lanes to go. the car stops at the curb and puts his blinker on. what the fuck is this bullshit? it's not like u can ever stop there. it says "NO STOPPING ANYTIME" clearly marked. and he's waving his hands like go around. i can't go around u fucking moron asshole. there are a ton of cars coming. so i honk continuously while attempting to change lanes. i just honk the entire time. cuz i rarely use my horn and goddamn i let him have it. and passed by yelling and gave him the finger. god i was just so angry. i rarely get intense road rage. i usually rant and cuss but this was just like the breaking point. horn for a good 30 secs along with the finger. and he looks like "what? i waved my hand for u to go around!" shit. like that is gonna make a difference. ugh.

ok so maybe that was more like two and a half things. whatever. everything agitates me as of late. i need to get the hell outta here. and by here i not only mean work but LA in general.

ugh. i'm so bitter. this holiday season has turned me into a bitter person. a curmudgeon of sorts. i realize it's also PMS but whatever. i went on a bit of a rant last nite didn't i? i'm still frustrated about it all but whatever. i'm at work with a million things to do now. why? cuz no one else was fucking here the past 3 working days to give me anything to do. so now i have all of it to do today. fuckin eh. i need out of here for a few days. this no holiday taking does not settle well with me. just pushes me harder to want to work for myself. i feel the same sentiments as one of my co-workers who said he wanted to give this place a year because he wanted to look stable on his resume. and i agree. but come a year i dunno. we'll see. i hope by then i can go full blast with freelance. or maybe he will get somewhere with his magazine he wants to start and i can work with him. regardless, this no taking vacation time on holidays is wack. gah. bitter. so bitter.

it's funny cuz when i talk to andrew he's like so what did u do today? and i say, i went to work. that's it. worked. or pretended to work. and i ask him what he did and he said he did this and that and he's having fun. and all i can say is i wish i was having fun. but no. no fun for jen.

i'm very discontent recently. life is sucking this holiday season. i just want it all to end. get past the fucking new year and start fresh. i hate being alone. i'm still alone. and i don't know when anyone comes back. i try and talk to andrew daily but it usually just aggrevates me in the end because i hear things like, "after vegas there will probably be another trip to japan. maybe even other places." shit man. by then i won't have seen you for like 3 wks. and then u will be gone again. moreover i am starting to consider valentine's day ideas because for the FIRST FUCKING TIME IN MY LIFE i may actually get a fucking valentine's day. and considering andrew hates that day and thinks it's stupid, i know he won't be planning anything of consequence. so i have to do it. fine. whatever. but when i come up with an idea that i'd like to remain a surprise til the bitter end but requires planning and reservations, hearing things like "well i don't know if i'll even be here" do not help. in fact words like that piss me off and make me sad. i mean does he even realize that i'll be upset about this? whenever something important for him is happening he tells his work he can't be sent on any trips. and granted most of the time it's not a bother anyway because there are no trips then. but i'm assuming if there is a trip during that timeframe around valentine's day he will just be gone and i will once again get nothing. fuck it. part of me doesn't even want to plan anything. it's useless. i can never plan anything with him cuz he never knows what he's doing. and i know it's not him. it's his job. but it fucking sucks and i don't like it. i mean i wanted to go to a particular show at the disney concert hall. even he wanted to go. but he doesn't know if he'll be gone. so i didn't have tinna get the tickets (bday gift) and now they are sold out because we waited so long. so fuck. how can we ever do anything of consequence because we can't ever plan shit? sometimes i wonder how much more of this i can take. because i hate not being able to plan shit. i want to go away somewhere far next year. and i'd like for him to come with me. i bet he won't be able to confirm because he doesn't know if he'll be gone. i mean shit when we...i mean....he and i...separately...went to NYC, he got there after me. we were supposed to go together. OUR little trip. but instead he was in germany. and we met there. ugh. i'm just venting hardcore right now because the past few days have been shitty as hell. and i just want the bright sun to come out and swallow up these gloomy days. and i know i know i know this is better than him being gone all the time. but that would be a long distance relationship and i will never enter into one of those because i know those won't work for me. so don't even compare.

and don't get me wrong. i'm crazy about the boy. but this sort of shit frustrates me and does NOT help my current state of loneliness and depression.

p.s. i tried to go to norstrom to look at shoes to go with my bridesmaid's dress and the grove was so fucking busy i almost bailed. but then i found a spot really fast so i was happy. turns out the store doesn't have a single fucking shoe i wanted to try on. good grief. can't i get a break anywhere? at least i don't have a GODAMNED thing to do at work. that's a nice break. just sitting there mindlessly for 3 entire work days. doing nothing. yea it's fun. get paid to do nothing. or shit. i dunno. instead of sitting mindlessly i could be home with my family and friends for christmas. oh wait. no no. we need people at work in case something needs to get done. luckily my boss isn't there so there is no one to OK the work i do. but it doesn't matter because there is nothing to do. because it's the holidays. and people take off work. that's why. shit. waste of my fucking time. now you see why i'm in such a sour state. this past week or so has made me bitter as hell. so fuck the holidays. can we just start a new year already?

merry frickin christmas!

yes that's how this christmas is playing out. i woke up to an empty house with absolutely no one to say merry christmas to. at least not in person. it was somewhat sad. i wasn't home in SF with the fam and friends. just me, myself, and i. all lonesome. BUT i was going to disneyland with dad so that was going to cure all ails. or so i thought....when dad and i arrive at d-land what should we find...? that it's FULL. yes, FULL. it filled up early in the morning when it opened. so no d-land for jen. christmas was officially ruined. dad and i went to california adventure but it wasn't the same. crappy rides. no winter wonderland. crap. all crap. california adventure is like the bastard child of disneyland. the tower of terror was fun yet really scary to me. but that's about it. blah. so yea i am going to bed soon. then waking up to go to work. blah. time to forget christmas 2005 and move onto new years eve. that should be fantastic. and if it's not i'll just cry.

depression has subsided thanks to my good friends jessica and stacey. yesterday i was thoroughly depressed at work. see, look at that sulking...

but the day started to take a turn for the best when i found out the owner of our company wanted to give our dept gifts. we had a choice between an emergency radio/flashlight/cell phone charger contraption or the hitachi magic wand.

now for those of you who don't know, the hitachi magic wand is one of the oldest vibrators around. it's marketed as a massager but really it's a massager slash vibrator. and it's really old. we're talking the mustangs of vibrators. tried and true. i remember my grandma had one. i played with it as a kid. i thought it was a massager. i had no idea. hopefully grandma used it as a massager. i'm sure she did. it was just laying around in plain view. anyhoo, only where i work would i get to choose btwn a radio and a vibrator. haha anyhoo, after work i called up jessica and she and i went to the mall. and while shopping we saw jared leto. good ole jordan catalano (sp?) from my so-called life. he looked alright. scruffy and sporting that good-for-nothing incognito hat. a little retail therapy helped bring me out of the depression. but then when i got home it was sooooo sad and lonely. so i called up stacey and she came out with me to fred's to get a bite to eat. then we had a beer at the ye rustic. good times. sadly i was in andrew's area with no andrew in sight. i miss the little bugger. here is a picture of him and his friend jaime getting way too excited about the blow-up mattress. so precious. =)

the excitement is astounding really.

today i went to santa monica and melrose with stacey. we had a good non-depressing time. bought a couple items. while at urban on melrose who should i see again but JARED LETO. yes my friends. i think jared is stalking me. haha i mean seriously. why else would i see him twice in one weekend. xmas weekend no less. clearly he's looking for me. clearly...haha

oh and my friend dave just called me from new york. he's back home. he called to wish me a merry christmas and catch up because we haven't seen each other in awhile. that made me happy. and dominic sent me a card from seattle. i haven't seen him in ages...but we don't live in the same state so that's why! oh the love. it's fantastic. makes being alone that much easier. and knowing it's only temporary helps too. going to disneyland tomorrow with dad. good times. then back to work on monday where me and one of my coworkers can bitch as we always do. we'll make that day go by fast. so yes. i feel good right now. i really miss andy but other than that i'm alright.

i am greatly amused right now. i stumbled upon these websites with japanese toys and i'm going apeshit. meanwhile "canned heat" is playing out in the hall over the loudspeaker. wtf? for those of you who don't know, it's the song that napoleon dynamite dances to at the end of the movie. the amazing dance scene. yes o yes. i can't believe this song is playing! haha so good.

i'm most decidedly depressed. andy left this morning for aspen with his friends jaime and celeste. he left around 7am and i was sad. he left me a cute little note like he does when he leaves me and he also wrote on the mirror with soap "andy miss jen." so cute. i will miss him indeed. i think the reason for my depression is due to a bunch of things at once. andrew leaving for not just christmas but new years AND 10 days after that. so i won't see him for like 3 wks. and 3 wks any other time of the year i would be sad but not really sad. but this is the holidays. not to mention i'm down here in LA for xmas. granted my dad is coming but that just isn't cutting it. everyone else is gone (minus those from the LA area who still aren't really 'around' since they are with their fams). the house is going to be very lonely tonight. and right now i'm at work...doing no work at all. i'm about to whip out the laptop and start on my freelance work. because this is just retarded. i'm truly depressed and i'm sure u can see it in my face. blah. i need some retail therapy.

i think the depression is starting to set in already...

i'm at work. tired. food coma. nothing to do. yet i'm here. because i have to be. and i will be here tomorrow too. and the day after xmas. and all days following til i get to the 29th when the whole lot of us venture up to norcal. woo! can't wait. we bought our tickets to the popscene/bootie event and we are set. gonna go to H&M too. can't wait! getting very excited about mel's wedding. been looking at shoes online to match the dress. gold colored shoes. i even bought a gold ring to match. since i have no gold jewelry. i wanted something nifty to keep my jen flavor. so i bought this swatch ring. it was quite the ordeal because it's not sold through swatch anymore. and there were only a couple places i could find the gold variety in my size online. so i ended up buying it from this store in mexico. translating and all. i hope it works out. haha cuz it's so me. woo!

andrew leaves tomorrow for aspen. and then vegas for a tradeshow. so i won't see him for nearly 3 wks. very shitty. i will miss him indeed. i think tomorrow i'm going to go shopping for my gold shoes since i have nothing else to do. i have work to do but i want to go out and do something and not be alone. so i can't think of anything more not alone than shopping 2 days before xmas. it should be a madhouse. and i might regret it. but at least i won't be lonely...i think i might become depressed for the next few days. bear with me.

last nite i played santa clause...with clothes. clothes from work. see my work gave us these vouchers to redeem for $100 worth of clothes at the closeout sale. but then really it was more like take 30 items (give or take since they weren't really counting) and get the hell out of there. so since i couldn't find 30 things i wanted i took a bunch of varied sized and styled clothes and gave them away to the friends at jessica and jordan's pre-party holiday party. good times. this is the sack of clothes before the vultures got to it. haha

jessica and jordan's party was great. lots of good food (thanks to jordan of course) and good times with friends. before that though andrew and i had a crappy fight about it all cuz he said he wasn't gonna go and i got pissed cuz it seems like at least half the time when i ask him to go with me to things like this (parties and events) he always says no. so i got really pissy cuz sure it was matt's last saturday night out on LA since he's moving to england. but i had asked andrew to 3 separate things this week and he was saying no to all of them. that's just not fair to me. i thought we could get a compromise going. he goes to jessica and jordan's thing. then splits out on shaun's party. that's fair. but no he didn't want that. well after the fighting subsided he agreed to go to jessica and jordan's. and then even ended up going to shaun's. so maybe he had a better time than he thought he would. punk. i don't get why he was being so stubborn. i asked to split the night. not take the whole thing. i thought that was fair. maybe he realized it too. when he ended up going. good grief.

shaun's party was good times. lots of good dancing. i wish we had the dance party shirts but no. oh well. maybe i can finish them tomorrow night. we shall see.

friday. woo! been very busy this week. and will continue to be busy as long as the freelance keeps coming in. you know the soundtrack i worked on? well they want to do an ad for it in...THE MAG. oh how it all comes together. fun fun. got a message on myspace from a guy who went to usc and started a mag for college students. he asked if i wanted to be the head designer. do it on the side. i'm tempted. we'll see if i can hack it though. it'd be a lot of "side" work. i'll meet with him first before deciding.

eric came and went. he was here very briefly. we went to fred's for dinner cuz he wanted pancakes and they have this one pancake concoction with peanut butter. so i thought he'd be game. but he ate a different one instead. still yummy. we went to little bar. met up with a few kids. and here we are. friday. last day of work for the week. gonna go to dave & busters (ie. chuck e cheese meets vegas) with the co-workers tonight. followed by a late-night appearance at ollie's party. tomorrow i *plan* to get my haircut and run errands including getting an ugly xmas sweater for shaun's party. going to jessica/jordan's pre-party in btwn. fun fun. oh shit. i gotta bring something to eat to the party. oh what to bring....

i'm currently on my laptop at andrew's with the tv on in the background to some crap show called las vegas while i work on my freelance stuff for the big shoe company again. this time just two postcards. hopefully less complicated. but doesn't appear that way now because the direction is unclear and the images aren't print size. of course....andrew is in boston and i'm at his house doing a load of laundry because i need a towel for eric to use when he comes to visit. oh yea...eric is visiting. eric as in lydia's former roommate turned my friend turned kyla's boyfriend. yes that eric. he'll be here for a day on wednesday. staying with me. so he needs a towel. anyhoo, spoke with joe today. joe guy. he's back! good to hear from him. that boy is so awesome. we've missed him on the dancefloor most definitely.

after my heavy italian lunch what i really need a metronap. little pods that you can refresh and recline in for a quick power nap. it looks utterly amazing but only exists in NYC or vancouver. available for lease in various places...man that would be heaven if we had one of those around here. oh yes. OH YES....

ah finally a break. i think the storm has subsided. i have nothing to do right now. finally. good times. it's been hectic recently. i hope my order went through so i can redo the dance party shirts tomorrow. we shall see. i'll go check later. so many freakin late folks asking for shirts. shiiiiiit. today lunch didn't come til 2pm. i was freakin starving!! good lord. the afternoon is dragging on. i ordered the rest of andrew's xmas gift. now i just gotta get one more thing for mother dear and i'm done. i've just been waiting on the backorder of it. hopefully it's in now. i'll call later.

so bootie was lots of fun. for the hour or so i was there. the accident prohibited rick and i from arriving in a timely fashion and then there was lauren getting kicked out for backtalking to security, followed by shaun getting kicked out for being too drunk. so we had quite a night on our hands. but good times for that brief moment. i definitely want to return again.

secondly, i learned some disturbing news about my web hosting. hard to explain but the long and short of it is that they don't allow massive emails. and they don't like it or something stupid. anyway, i will be switching to new web hosting in a few days as a result. hopefully there will be no down time. cross your fingers!

rick and i just got into an accident. it wasn't bad in the sense that there wasn't tons of damage but it was very very scary. we were driving down 6th street when this woman was turning right onto it. she didn't see us. she had a stop sign and we didn't. rick honked as we approached but she still went and we hit her head on to her side. it happened to so fast it was scary. i remember thinking at the time "ok rick honked...ok......FUUUUUUUUUUCK!" and then we hit. airbags came out. and there was a cloud of smoke. no one was hurt although rick's hand hurts. he thinks it jammed on the steering wheel. but he's ok. and i'm ok. thank god for the airbag. not sure what would have happened if we didn't have them. maybe we would have hit the windshield. god that would have been bad. anyway, we are home now. rick's calling his insurance. i got the car towed with my AAA. we are contemplating still going out to the club. we'll see. i'm a bit shaken up. so is rick. just because it was so fast and so scary. eesh. i've never been in an accident like that. i've been in 4 accidents now and a hit and run (but my car was parked). all have been rear-ends until now. head ons are scary. very scary....

ho ho ho...merry friday. that's right. tis the season to be jolly. or some such feeling. i'm at work right now. working on all our holiday promos. they aren't too bad actually. can't say what they are but if you don't have the hookup discount like i do, these deals might be good for you as a consumer. at work a bunch of us are also making palindrome mixed cds. one girl here came up with the idea. pretty simple. 12 tracks. 6 songs and 6 covers of those songs. arranged in palindrome order. so 1=12. 2=11. 3=10. etc. it's fun! we've got a wide range going on. one guy made one with lots of R&B and it takes me back to high school...i even told james and he made one! i think everyone should make one! that would be awesome. we could exchange them. mine if in the theme of slow covers of fast songs. here is my tracklisting:

01. Gonzalez - Too Long (cover)
02. Iron & Wine - Such Great Heights (cover)
03. Jose Gonzalez - Heartbeats (cover)
04. Scissor Sisters - Take Me Out (cover)
05. Nouvelle Vague - I Melt With You (cover)
06. Paul Anka - Smells Like Teen Spirit (cover)
07. Nirvana - Smells Like Teen Spirit
08. Modern English - I Melt With You
09. Franz Ferdinand - Take Me Out
10. The Knife - Heartbeats
11. Postal Service - Such Great Heights
12. Daft Punk - Too Long

ok back to work. andy is back!! =)