day 2 (cont'd):
holy crap i feel a lot better right now. just from talking to lawrence and my dad (separately that is) for like a solid 2+ hours, i feel a lot better. i don't know if this is something that is really temporary and tomorrow i'll be a wreck again. but really getting their perspectives helped a lot. seeing the similarities helped a lot. talking about helped a lot. conversing rather than just ranting or venting helped a lot. and of course dad is dad. in fact btwn dad and lawrence, they both gave me an idea. i'm not going to mention it because i don't know who the fuck reads this anymore. but it's sort of my b-plan of sorts. anyway, i need to hop to some work quickly while i still have the energy. i hope tomorrow is an even better day than today. so that i can really begin this road to recovery. the first day without a tear shed will be a good good thing.

day 2 (cont'd):
the pain definitely comes in waves. it sucks so much. god it hurts. i'm not going to pick up my clothes til thursday. we spoke and he's tired and needs time to relax and seeing me is going to make that impossible. because we both know it has nothing to do with the actual clothes. bleh. BLEH. =(

day 2 (cont'd):
i can't decide if i'm coming to terms with all of this or if i am just blocking it out. cuz i've been doing a lot of work today and not thinking about it too much. also i think i might be fooling myself into thinking he's just gone or something. i dunno. we'll see. i am hoping to see him tonight to get my clothes. do that whole exchange of goods crap. i'm going to give him a mixed cd i made as sort of a "goodbye for now" thing. it's sort of a tearjerker in parts. but i think it's really damn good. then i plan to try and not see him for a few weeks. to make things feel better. see after a few weeks of absence how everything is. does he miss me still and think this was a bad idea? or is it totally over in which case at least i've had my time to get over seeing him regularly. gah. now i'm starting to not be ok just by mentioning this. gah. GAH. this is crap.

day 2:
considering i didn't dismiss the "day" thing i'm sure you can all assume what follows this text. yes, the wound is still open. fleshy and gross. hurting a lot.

we spoke last nite. and to set the stage, we spoke on the phone rather than in person because he's so busy all week with preparing for his trip to japan that he didn't feel like there was time to talk in person. and i didn't want to delay talking so i just went for it on the phone. (not to mention talking on the phone makes it easier to talk rather than cry a bunch and talk in btwn) i mean that just shows how hard this whole thing has been. i mean seriously his work ruined us. at least in my eyes. he said that work is pretty much his life and he doesn't want that to change. i tried to give all my thoughts and reasons for making it work. trying to make it work. but in the end he didn't want to try. he said he's too stressed about work to make it work. he has no more energy for us. for the relationship. for being my boyfriend. and that sucks so much. man this is so hard. i've never felt so much pain before. and i know he's feeling it too. we cried again at the end of our conversation. and it ended with him just saying he couldn't talk about it anymore. so that's how it ended. and now i think i just wanna get some of my stuff back tonight so i can see him. end it properly and then have our time apart for awhile. it will be for the best. or else this wound will never form a scab.

i really hate this part of relationships. and i know that these things will continue to happen till i get married which isn't something i want to do for a long time. gah. it's like when i'm not crying my heart hurts. when my heart doesn't hurt, i'm crying. i can't get a break!!! bleh i'll have more to say later.

day 1 (cont'd):
so i have been thinking a lot. internally and out loud. i talked to numerous people (thanks so much guys) and i have come to many more rational thoughts. i spoke with jen specifically who shares a lot of similar issues with me. and we have a similar perspective on it all being that this is our first real long-term relationship. so it was really good for us to talk. for the both of us. so now i feel better about talking to andrew. knowing more what i want and need to say. and i just hope that his will to want to be with me with let him see that this is a mistake and that we should try to make it work.

day 1 (cont'd):
so day 1 is taking it's toll. i likened relationships ending to a wound that needs healing. like when u break up it's a fresh wound. all open and fleshy. exposed to the world. hurts a shitload because it's being touched by all the outside forces. the air. everything. slowly a scab forms over the wound. and then sometimes you pick at that scab and you have to go back a few steps. start the healing process again. then finally once the scab heals you feel better. that's exactly how this feels right now. and i'm hoping that some miracle of science makes this wound cover up very quickly. somehow. we skip the scab phase. just go straight to a healed wound.

everyone that i've talked to has been so caring and helpful. one of my coworkers (who i'm friends with) made me an awesome mixed cd. and the first track is a major tearjerker. deathcab for cutie - "transatlanticism." it's all about breaking up due to distance. and it's so fitting that it hurts.

i talked to a few people who have some good perspective on this because they've been through similar things. one told me that when they broke up it took ages to finally get over it. over a year! and that was with a lot of back and forth. dating. not dating. and now they are not talking!! another made it through. they did a long distance thing for a couple years seeing each other every week or two. but knew there was light at the end of the tunnel. i don't know if there is for me and andrew. which might be why this is so hard. right now it just feels like this neverending downward spiral. but i want to make it work. and make the spiral stop. and i hope we can. i really really hope we can. if not i'm going to be down and out for quite some time i suspect.

good rick quote on the subject: "you know you're in a real relationship when your wiping each other's tears and snot off your face." so true...

i've never felt closer to you than last night. the pain is so great it's unbearable. i've never felt something like this before. and while it makes it no better, i'm glad that you share this same pain with me. maybe we can work it out. make things better. i really hope that we can. but it is what it is. and it's something that is very hard for us to control. i wish we didn't have to fight these battles. and maybe we won't anymore. and that saddens me greatly. but i care so much about you that i don't want this to overcome us. and i hope we can work through it. i miss you so much. it's like someone ripped out my heart and stomped all over it. and now it's laying there limp, slowly getting it's beat back. wishing you were here.

day 1:
i've dated a lot of guys. but none that really amounted to much. so i've been through a lot of break ups, but nothing so painful as the one i endured last nite. yes, this is day 1 of life without andrew. or so i think. this isn't a huge surprise for me as we've been having problems in the past few weeks. most of which are a result of all his travelling. it's taken it's toll and we've hit the brink. so last nite we did something incredibly hard for us and decided to break up. at least that's how we left it. we're going to talk more tonight and i hope we can come up with a way to make it work. this is so hard because it's not like either of us doesn't care anymore. or doesn't want to be together. but his work is taking it's toll. we hardly see each other and when he's here half the time he's tired and grumpy and then i get upset and then he feels bad and it's just this vicious cycle.

last nite he came over and i knew right away what was going to happen. i could just see it. in his eyes. and then we both broke down in tears. i've never seen a boy i've dated cry before. ever. it was so sad. both of us there staring at each other knowing exactly why this was happening and wishing it wasn't. and after 3 solid hours of tears and very little words, he left and we decided we would talk more today. maybe we can work it out. think of a way to fix it. or make it better. hopefully we have more rational thoughts today. although i still feel very emotional right now. i couldn't sleep well and i got to work super early today. i'm holding back the tears which is really hard on this gloomy day. i want desperately for this to work. it's killing me really. but if we decide there is nothing we can do, then today is the first day of a lot of sadness.

i'm sure i'll have more to say but for now that's it. i'm just an emotional mess right now. it's always so much easier when one person fucks up. or doesn't care anymore because u basically force yourself to get over it. u have to. u have nothing to turn to. and u may even hate the other person. but none of that is the case so that makes this so incredibly hard.

so as i wait to go to this silk screening thing i was tooling around myspace and i got to thinking...i've really grown and changed over the years. i recently had a dream about the first boyfriend ever. i think i posted about it. and so he's been on the brain a bit. and i was checking out his myspace page and i just can't help but think how we've both really changed and grown further apart. and i don't mean to say that after high school we really kept in great close contact. because we didn't. we basically just message each other here and there on AIM. we get together a couple times a year for some lunch. that's about it. and seriously, we are totally different people. and i think we both went in the complete opposite direction such that we are further from where we used to be in the middle. i went more eccentric, liberal, indie. he went more christian, conservative, hip-hoppy. it's so weird. and so all we really have left is that we were friends in high school and we dated for 6 months. that's all we've got. it's so strange. so close before. so far apart now. anyhoo, i'm just thinking out loud at this point. i think i'll head off to the silk screening thing now. i hope it's cool and fun!

last nite i went out with the coworkers and we took these photos. fun fun times. we went to the lost souls cafe and along the way i saw the guy that cut my hair! then we ate some pizza next door. went to up one of my coworker's lofts right there in downtown LA. it was a nice place! then we went to the bar across the street where we did some shots, danced a little, and took these photos. good good times. my coworkers are the best. so fun. not like my past jobs. well the MAG peeps were fun. i still talk to them and see them at events. but yea, the other jobs in btwn, not as fun coworkers. as a whole at least. there's always someone who's cool but not the entire dept. and granted this isn't the entire dept in these photos but if they were all around at the time, i'm sure we would have gotten them all in there somehow.

anyhoo, we also saw them filming some bits from the new spiderman movie which was neat. the black suited spiderman character was filming scenes flying through the air and landing on overturned cars and everything. the streets were all blocked off with big lights and cranes and the whole shebang.

tonight i am going to this silk screening thing at the brewery. $5 a pop gets you a screen on anything you bring. i'm meeting up with sahar and her friends. then i don't know what i'll do after. either meet up with andrew wherever he is at, or meet up with brian and crew in hollywood if they end up going to boardners. we shall see.

oh and i got a cute new pair of charles david shoes at shoe pavillion. about half price. still sorta pricey but a good deal. they are cute. slight heel. black. little strap. i wanted a pair of cute black flats to wear with skirts and whatnot but then i saw these and thought well, they aren't that high. just a tiny heel. so i can deal with that. i'm wearing them right now!

killed two birds with one stone tonight. ok so i left work and headed to this bar/cafe to meet up with lead singer dude. so i drove down the street and found some meters to park at. i wasn't sure if i could park there so i read the signs a million times. also they are filming spiderman 3 right there so i was like can i park here? are they filming? what's going on? crew is strewn about so i was sorta confused. so i get out of my car and i see this guy walk up to me. i thohgt he was with the crew and was gonna tell me to move my car. but he says to me "can i cut your hair?" and then something in me clicked and i thought "that guy who cuts hair on the street in hollywood!" and sure enough, he was the man. he was like "let me cut your hair. are you going to lost souls (a different cafe than the one i was going to)?" i said i wanted to go to lost souls (cuz i have yet to go and do want to go!) but i was meeting some people elsewhere. he was like "how much time do you have? i can do this quickly." i was so intrigued i really wanted to do it. not to mention i had to get my haircut this weekend or sometime soon since the layers were all sorta funky. so i asked him how much he'd charge me and he said $20. so i thought, why the hell not? i have seen this guy do this before, why not. so i did it. and here is a photo of me standing outside lost souls getting my haircut.

the guy was interesting. born in NYC. raised in zimbabwe and south africa. that explains the accen. he had this weird technique of cutting hair. this razor sort of thing. but not quite the razor thing u get a salon. this was new to me. anyway i got scared my hair was gonna look like crap but i actually quite like it! and it feels much lighter too. so good call on that one. so completely and totally random.

damn this belle & sebastian album is good. and i really never thought i'd say those words considering i like them but don't love them. but hot damn this new album is kicking my ass right now. this just means their show is going to be that much better.

so uh...what's with the cab drivers and the B.O.?

haha i just thought of that and wanted to share it. quote from seinfeld. anyhoo, i had a dream last nite. it involved the first bf, daniel. not sure what was happening but he was there. and i was sorta uneasy about him being there. and he wanted to hook up and i didn't. it's weird cuz a few weeks ago i had a similar dream with him in it. same idea. he was there. he wanted to hook up and i didn't. different setting. different circumstances. but same basic premise. what does this mean? the first one i chalked up to being a random dream. but now two! i can't decifer it and it's bothering me.

aside from that i have tons of work to do. i signed onto this project that i think might kill me til it's done around march 9th or whatever. it's this packaging project and i dunno how i got sucked in but i am and it's going to be a lot of work i think. and i have to work with my old professor who couldn't finish it and wants me to finish it. but it has to be under his guidance and blah blah blah. he's working on a movie. super busy. i have to work around his schedule. bleh. the reason i signed on was because i thought it would be some good cash and it wouldn't be too hard or whatever. now because of bullshit i have to work with the professor rather than on my own. and so it might mean working weird hours. gah!! the saving saving grace is that the project was slated at a budget of $5500 and the prof already got $2000 in deposit. he said i can keep the rest of the cash. so i mean $3500. that's a good chunk of cash to save for a rainy day. so yea. that's where i'm at. neck deep in work. i mean i've got a few other freelance projects also going on. and tomorrow i'm supposed to meet with the leader singer of the band who's cd art i'm working on. hopefully that goes smoothly. not that meeting him is bad. cuz it's not. but i mean he's doing a photoshoot. what if it runs late? etc etc.

wow i went a little nuts at amoeba. i bought over $100 worth of cds!! but luckily i had $65 in store credit. so the damage wasn't so bad. but still. shit. i didn't plan to spend so much. i had a few albums i wanted to get but then i found these random b-side cds and whatnot and i couldn't pass them up. so yea. i've got a lot of cd listening ahead of me. so exciting. man where would i be without music? probably depressed and alone in some dark room wishing life was better.

oh! and the mystery of the old crush from the old internship is finally solved. i spoke with said crush on AIM today. his usual shit he gives me for pushing the teen porn. we spoke of technology including blogs and he said "you still blogging?" and i said yes. then i asked if he was the one who had found the blog at work. he said no but of course he then saw it. so anyhow, mystery solved. he didn't find it but whoever did (that's not important) told him. so he did see it. and my freaking out was warrented i suppose. although it's all in the past so it's sorta moot. but it's good to have closure.

in light of finding wonderful smelling bliss products at the W hotel, i went to their website and found that they are opening a new spa in LA next month! and since stacey and i were gonna get trial run waxes for coachella, i decided we should get them there. since bliss is supposed to be highly rated in NYC. so i just made our appts. i can't wait. of course this means being hairy around my birthday since that's when we are getting the waxing done. right before coachella. oh well. sometimes you gotta suffer for the glory. but yea, i am excited. first time waxing for both of us. i tried once myself at home. NO GOOD. i really wanna get a facial or massage at this place but DAMN they are expensive. that would rule tho. they have so many good facials to choose from. ah....spas. so nice. so expensive. so wonderful...

ah. president's day. is that what it is? i don't even know. all i know is it's some holiday to the effect that you can park anywhere without penalty from the normal parking restrictions, no mail is coming today, and the banks are closed. most of my friends are BBQing as i type this. these are things i know. i also know i am at work and my brain is turning to mush. that's right. anyhow, it's almost 5pm and the sun is still out. so that's good. i'll be leaving here is just a smidge over an hour. woo! it's truly exciting. i am going to rush home to get a good parking spot since parking on mondays is a nightmare due to all the street cleaning tomorrow morning. i will work on the cd artwork i am currently working on. the grandest daddy of them all. probably load more tunes onto my ipod since i stopped somewhere around the N's which means i still have half my collection to go (AND i plan to go to amoeba tomorrow and get like 5 more cds). anyway, that's my grand plan for the night. i had a great sandwich today for lunch which i just wanted to make note of. i miss andrew but he comes back friday. and i really need to hit the gym but can't due to the parking problem of mondays. so i will go tomorrow after amoeba. maybe i'll walk to the grove tonight. that could be fun.

i just beat rick at monopoly. it was a good quick (relatively speaking) game. a few hours only. its a lot harder and faster with just two players. he had a good fight going. we both had a few monopolies but i had better luck of the draw basically it what it boiled down to. we shall play again. neither of us had played in years so we were rusty. but it was good times. indeed!

SD was great. andrew and i got there around 4pm yesterday and checked into our lovely room at the W. i have to say that while the W (and i'm sure all W's around the world) is nice, i'm not certain it's worth the price i paid. but i did like our room a lot. no complaints whatsoever. but i paid a decent penny for it too. we got there and just bummed around rather than going out before dinner. i was cool with that cuz 1) the are the hotel was in was very boring downtown style and 2) i was a bit tired from driving. so at 8pm we got the restaurant for dinner. we went to a fondue place. we had a full 4 course meal. salad to start cheese fondue next. followed by veggie fondue. followed by chocolate fondue. we also had a few glasses of wine. that was lovely. i think we were there for like 3 hours just eating and talking about all sorts of stuff. we haven't had a dinner like that in awhile it seems. then we got lost going back to the hotel. found our way. stopped at liquor store and bought some stuff. then went back to the hotel. we could have used our bracelets that came with the room to go to the swanky bar but we didn't want to cuz it looked like it was full of douchebags. so we opted to stay in the room and drink and watch amelie which i brought with me. that was great. very fun and relaxing. good times.

then this morning, once we got going, we left the hotel and went to the zoo. that was the second part of this plan. stay in a nice hotel to have us time. then go to the SD zoo which we had talked about doing for months and months. luckily it didn't really rain. only about 20 min during our time at the zoo it rained. that sucked a bit but not as much as u'd expect. cuz the rain wasn't too heavy and it still was sunny and relatively warm. so that was good. we saw a whole slew of animals but my fave was the hippo. he was HUGE and he really put on a show in the tank. i didn't get to see the giant pandas which sucked because the line was super long and then it rained so they put the pandas away. oh well. the zoo is quite nice. much much much nicer than any other zoo i've ever been to. the animals are taken care of really well and the zoo itself isn't depressing looking. it's full of life and looks nice and lush with lots of greenery and all. i was quite impressed.

after the zoo we headed back to LA cuz andrew had to catch a plane to china. so we got to my house and chilled for a bit before going to mani's for dinner. then i took him to the airport and he's currently on a plane to china. he comes back friday. it shall be interesting because his friend from holland arrives here tomorrow and she will be staying with him in his extra room for the next 3 months as she tries to get a visa here to permanently stay and work. i can't to meet her and see what she's like. but i can't help but wonder how the dynamic of me going to his house will change. most assuredly it will because before it was just the two of us. now it will be the three of us most of the time i'm sure. so we shall see how it goes.

time to sleep now. the weekend was long and great even if i did miss shaun's stellar party. i guess this mostly makes up for the shitty vday i had on the actual vday. not 100% makes up but like 85%.

all i have to say is that the people at ballys are total morons. i love that because they are morons the woman reduced my monthly rate but just today i got a notice to renew my membership and take advantage of a savings if i sign up for 1, 2, or 3 year plans. first up i would never do that anyway because who knows if i'll be living here in 3 years!! secondly, they said i would save x amount of dollars with these contracts. UMM NO. that is actually MORE than my current rate. and that's because the current rate got reduced. but they are morons. why would i agree to pay more? once the woman on the phone realized this, i could hear the laugh in her tone like "oops we fucked up." anyway, stupid people i tell ya. STUPID PEOPLE.

and what's with this fucking rain? goddamnit. now it's supposed to rain ALL weekend. not just one day. this SD trip is going to be ruined. i just know it. it's going to rain all weekend and going to the zoo isn't going to work out at all. FUCK.

ok so a coworker just sent me a link to this site. it's fucking hilarious. i mean seriously, who made this site. i want to meet that person. these clothes are out of control. paruse the entire catalog. u will be amazed at the weirdness. my faves are the following.

this one looks like something that i could see me and some girls wearing and taking fun photos. so if they made this, i wouldn't be opposed.

but these two are just fucking creepy.

first up. why are there so many arms attached to the leg? what is that all about?!?!?! and the jacket for three people with their heads all together. that's just scary.

anyway, this site just provided a great bit of amusment to me on this friday afternoon. god i'm sleepy and i want to go home.

so i went to the beauty bar last nite with an old coworker for another old coworker's event. this book thing. it was fun to see some old peeps who i hadn't seen in like half a year. and it was nice to not have the bar all crowded and totally full of hipsters. once the event ended then all the schmuck came in. and we got out. but it was fun while it lasted.

this weekend i am taking andy away. we are off to san diego. i figure i can say it now cuz 1) i don't think he reads this anyway and 2) im going to tell him where we are going before we get there since it will take so long to drive. the plan is to drive down tomorrow midday. check into the hotel (i got us a night at the W...i'm stoked!). chill. have dinner. wander around. try out this edible massage bar i got. haha u know, whatever. just chill good times i hope. then sunday check out of the hotel and go to the SD zoo. something we had meant to do since we first met actually. so yea. that's the weekend plans. i'm going to miss shaun's bonanza of a party which i am sad about. but i am hoping for some vday redemption with this weekend. if not, i'll be sad and pissy.

ah the sun is shining and yet it's a bit cold outside. that's LA for ya. appearances. always about appearance. it appears as though it's hot as hell and the air is all clean and fresh. but really it's cold and smoggy. it's like the movies almost. that's LA for ya.

so it's thursday and the week is coming to an end. woo! yesterday the owner man went on his huge 30+ min rant over sex and sexual images. and everything boiling down to procreation and on and on. fashion. SEX. fucking. more sex. etc. he almost started crying. it was the most interesting thing i've seen in awhile at a job. that's for sure.

tonight i'm going to the beauty bar with some old co-workers for this event. should be fun and interesting. haven't seen some of these peeps since i left the job last year. crazy! maybe i'll pop by andrew's afterward for some cake. we shall see.

i really wish andrew would surprise me with some cake. the cake we made last nite. since we didn't actually eat it because we were too full from the other food we made. i know he won't but if he did that would rule.

i am going to give him more space these days since he feels like he doesn't have enough. it sucks cuz in my eyes all his time travelling for work is space enough. but i know it doesn't really count because he's in a foreign place and working the whole time. so he doesn't get to sit back and relax alone at home sort of thing. *sigh* relationships suck. it's easier being single. not that i wish to be single. because i know how much frustration it causes. but technically speaking it's easier because u only have to worry about yourself. #1. that's it. ah c'est la vie.

i'm transferring more tunes to my ipod. i'm half way there i think. it's taking a long time but i stopped for a couple days. so now i'm back at it. i've got some work to do as well.

joe came over to drop stuff off and chat for a bit. i told him i needed some good happy vibes after all the bad ones last nite. so that was nice. joe's great. always so fucking happy. i love it.

i'm checking out the weekend weather for where i am taking andrew and it appears as tho it's going to be "cold" and some chance of rain. BAH. i hope not. that would suck. the rain part that is. the cold i can deal with. but the rain. why?!

the verdict is in. firsts are always bad. last nite was just not what i wanted it to be. i had more fun with brian the year i was single. is that awful to say? it's a mixture of many things including andrew hating valentine's day, me building it up too much, and then us discussing (sadly) everything wrong with our relationship. that came out wrong but i don't know how else to word it. but i do know the cause of it all. his job. everything relates to his job and the ramifications of it all. and now i'm in a sour sad mood. maybe vday part two (ie. this weekend trip) will be better. and if not then i dunno. i'm not saying i wanna break up, but i'm saying that his job makes everything much more complicated than a first long term relationship should be. bleh. i don't feel like talking about it anymore. it's time for a 3 part doves series.

ugh....flowers and candy....this night is starting off just swell...

more later.

back to reality...since that was fucking hilarious to me, that last post.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

i get to spend it with mr. andy tonight. i hope it's good times. i mean he doesn't like desserts so i dunno about this. no red velvet. no tiramisu. no ice cream. we are settling on yellow cake with chocolate frosting. why doesn't he like desserts? sheesh! this weekend is when we have the real v-day moments. our little weekend getaway before he jaunts off to china for a week. boo. china. will they have any good toys there for me? i don't recall them having as good stuff as japan. *sigh* haha

so the dynamic duo are at it again. apparently they search the bloggy regularly checking for mentions of people they know. then go bitch out my friend for it. what is up with that? do they have any lives? plain and simple, anyone with that much time on their hands needs to find a hobby. at any rate, i don't apologize for what i say in this thing. no matter how old it is and what it was about.

i once wrote about how my roommate's ex-gf was stalking him (before they were dating) and how it pissed me off sooo fucking much cuz she'd come to our house and wake me up at ungodly hours. then they started dating for real and it turned out she was super cool and nice. but i didn't take it back cuz at the time that's how i felt. she really did fucking piss me off back then. c'est la vie.

and now the post in question that the duo found. i found it myself. and u know what. at the time it was hilarious. and now i heard things have changed. and u know what, i'm glad. and if my post burned a bridge, c'est la vie. and if it just helped the cause along, awesome. regardless, read what u want. say what u want. search if you must. but i'll keep going as i damn well please.

i was flipping stations this morning on the radio and i heard an old ass boyz II men song...and i knew all the words to it. isn't that sad? it's like when u hear old ass songs u haven't heard in years the words just come rushing back. crazy huh. i felt a little weird. like i was back in high school or something.

i just watched annie hall. it's a really great movie about relationships and i recommend it to anyone who hasn't seen it. but now it's got me in a mood. bleh.

THIS IS TAKING FOREVER!!!

i have begun the daunting task of putting ALL of my music onto my ipod. yes i repeat, i have begun the dautning task of putting ALL of my music onto my ipod. it's taking FOREVER. so many cds. i think i've done maybe 20 cds so far and i've got about 250 to go. it's ridiculous how much music i have. it wouldn't take so long except i'm not one of those people who has all their albums on their computer. i see that as a huge waste of hard drive space. so i have to burn all my cds to the computer and then put onto the ipod. gah!!! and of course i want more music too. but at least once i have everything onto the ipod i can then just add one album at a time. much more manageable.

i just put my first item up for bid on ebay. i've never done that before. aside from some tickets i sold once in the UK. but that was simple cuz they were easy to mail. i've never sold anything on ebay because i hate dealing with going to the post office. honestly that's the main reason i don't sell shit. but i decided the other day that i didn't want my old diana cam anymore and so i figured i'd sell it on ebay. that's how i bought mine in the first place and there is a weird niche demand for this old vintage cam. i also figured the damn thing is small and comes in a box. so it will be easy to ship. so i put it up for auction. we'll see how it does!

i never thought i'd say this but i'm going to buy the new madonna album. yep. that's right. i heard the two singles and i was flipping out over how good they were. damn dance tunes. get me every time. but that's just it. this new madonna album could really be done by anyone and i think i'd like so long as it was still produced by jacques lu cont and had the same beats. it's just a dance album of greatness. seriously. i have NOT been a fan of new madonna music. nothing since the early 90s at the latest. i thought she was done for. still out there struttin her 50 year old hot self but not making good music anymore. and now this album comes along and totally kicks me in the ass for thinking that. again i say, this album isn't about madonna for me. it's about the dance beats. but whoever it is, i'm buyin it. yep yep. man i can't believe it. i'm gonna walk into amoeba and buy the new madonna album. i hope i don't lose all cred.

so i was walking to my car this morning from andrew's place and who should i see but that man who tried to hit on me about a month ago. or whenever that was. i mentioned it in the blog. how some dude was like cruising around the neighborhood and saw me walking and would NOT give up trying to talk to me and take me to work. etc etc. i saw him today while i was walking. u know how i noticed? he was in his car, sorta leaned over and rolled down the window. probably realized it was the girl that already said no, and kept on going. cuz i saw him look and sorta smile like "ha! that's that girl. nevermind..." and i, without even thinking, blurted out (when i saw him), "oh no!" as if to say "oh no not again!" haha it was a funny moment.

today was a very slow day at work. nothing really to do. and now i dont have too much freelance so i think i can get to the gym. woo! just gonna eat a bit right now. then pop over to target on the way to let the food digest. then some gym action. then maybe some more work. then sleep. we shall see.

damn the man. the power went out and i was nearly done with my post too! gotta start over....

so other than that the day is going well. not too busy at work. the sun is shining and i can't wait to go to the gym tonight. i'm pissed i didn't get to go last nite but it was because i was having din din with joe and guillermo and then helping them with some stuff for their film. i might be doing their poster too. we'll see.

i found out some good and bad news regarding vday for me this year. it's my first time celebrating EVER. yes....EVER. i've dated lots of guys for short periods of times and never have they overlapped with this godforsaken day. but this year i got lucky. so i made this grand plan for the weekend of the 18th-19th because andrew said he might be going to china in feb and thought it would be before that. well it turns out it's not. he leaves late at night on the 19th. so basically my plans are ok overall but we may have to rush just a bit on that second day. oh well. at least i didn't have to cancel entirely. i would be quite upset if i did.

so today i found out that threadless is running a promo right now. if you buy 3 shirts or more you can get them for just $10 each! promo runs til feb 25th and the code can be found here. i just bought 4 shirts. i love them! the company is rad cuz they take design submissions and have people rate them. then they print limited quantities of highly rated shirts. but that's why the designs are so rad. cuz they get them from people like you and me. who don't design stupid commercialized shirts. and then people like you and i get to rate them. god i love it. they also run this awesome club thing where you pay $200 and get a year subscription. u get 12 shirts. one a month. in the size you select. and they are exclusive to the club only. i wish i could afford it in one pop cuz it's such a rad idea. better than any other monthly club i know of. anyhoo, back to work now i suppose.

ah what a weekend. started off with the debut of joe's balls. yea that's right. balls...we all went to see joe's first feature film directed by his professor. it's the tale of a boy (joe) taken in by a drag queen who then teaches him to save the gays from the cruel straight world. it had some cheesy lines and steamy scenes with joe and his love interest who looked oddly enough like brandon lee! i was so hyped up to see joe's full frontal that when i saw it i was disappointed cuz the print was dark and it was mostly in shadow. i thought seeing that would be the most awkward thing but it was more awkward watching joe making out with a guy. partially cuz it's joe and he's not gay! and partially cuz i just don't wanna be seeing any person i know making out with someone on screen. like fully going at it. not just kissing. that's fine. no need to see my friends in compromising sexual positions. anyhow, good times all around. i also learned that night that will reads my blog daily. this came up because joe refuses to read it. i think because he's in it and it's too personal. either way, i thought it was interesting that will still reads it. he hasn't made an appearance in the blog in ages. not since coachella last year i bet. and before that i can't even recall. in fact i even tried to see the bit when we reconnected. but i can't find it. ah well. i don't care that he reads it. i just find it interesting. so read on will! and see u soon enough. at some random event.

yesterday i hung out with stacey in the valley. yes...the valley. the deep valley. met up with her parents for lunch. got to see what they were like. and stacey is an exact mix of both of them. it's funny. i can totally see it. her dad reminds me of mine a bit because he knows a little about stacey's musical interests and so does my dad. they are the types of dads who attempt to know but are a bit behind. but still valient efforts indeed. after that stacey and i went to REI to get some gear for our trip. yes it's months away but we want to spread out the purchases so they don't hurt so much all at once. plus we are gonna use the sleeping bags we go for coachella. we got these down ones that smush up super tiny. it's awesome!

later on in the night we all made a trek out to sami's new place in los feliz. way cute. then went to bootie to dance it up. there were these two gay (?) guys dancing up a storm together. i was in love. they were so cute together. i don't even really know what they looked like but i love their dancing. i should have gone up to them and told them. oh well.

today is a day of work and relaxing (hopefully). andrew comes back today. altho i think it's late so i dunno if i'll get to see him. boo. i think joe and guillermo are coming over to borrow some stuff from me for their movie. we shall see.

ah friday. gotta love it. the room is a nice temperature and the morning is whizzing buy. mr. andy is on his way back to america on the plane right now. but he's staying in san fran for the weekend since his flight was out of there and he has friends up there. so i don't get to see him til sunday. boo hiss. but this weekend is shaping up to be good. tonight is joe's movie. can't wait to see his BALLS! haha well i can wait but it will be so funny and i think people will either shout out loud or giggle. who knows. tomorrow stacey and i are going to shop for spain/reading festival in the VALLEY! i get to meet her parents. woo! can't wait. then later that night is the pre-party at sami's new place (can't wait to see it) and dancing at bootie. WOOT WOOT. much work to do this weekend as well. many freelance projects in the wings. maybe too many. gah. so much work to do! but they are good projects so i'm excited.

got my new discover card last nite. it's just like the photo. love it. love the disco ball. and speaking of cards. the staff at ballys gym, where i go, are fucking morons. ok so i lost my wallet and cancelled my cards. and i had an auto-bill with them. so i called to fix it. called the gym. explained it like 5 times and the guy just didnt seem to get it. i said that if they didn't update my card info the transaction wouldn't go through! he said to just come in and they would fix it. couldn't be done over the phone (why i don't understand). he said the next payment would go on the new card and it would be fixed. so a few days later bally's leaves a voicemail on the homephone and i don't get to hear it all cuz rick thought it was junk and deleted it. but i caught the word bally's so i assumed it was for me about the credit card. so i called bally's back. they didn't get it still. didn't understand. said i had to come in. etc etc. same crap. so then i forgot for a few days. and this morning i heard the phone ring and it was a woman who called from ballys saying to call back. so i called that number and that was the billing services number. the woman was very helpful. told me that my card didn't go through. i explained to her the situation and how the people at the gym just didn't get it and she said to never call those people cuz they don't understand! haha so she fixed my card, i don't think i will be billed for the month that was screwed up AND....she lowered my monthly fee! by 10 whole dollars. so now it's even cheaper for me to rarely go to the gym! haha score. so it all got resolved in the end but those people that work at the gym are morons and i knew they were wrong. but i couldn't argue with them anymore. geez.

i miss andrew. and he doesnt come back til sunday night. granted i have a lot of work to do but still. i can't help but think about how he's gone and i miss him. i realized if i didn't have all this freelance i'd probably miss him even more. and i also realized i don't know what the hell i'd do if i didn't have all this freelance. would i just come home and watch movies? probably. that's what most people seem to do. they go home and watch tv or a movie from their netflix queue. i don't have any time for that. i'm trying to squeeze by with doing my work and fitting in the gym now and again along with seeing andrew at night. it's hard. this year is going to be hard for me i predict. because it's the year i want to really succeed with my freelance. get so much of it that i can just exist off of it. the ultimate goal in life is to either own my own business or just permanently freelance. because i hate the idea of being bound to someone and having to do what they want when they want. if i wanna go on vacation i want that liberty to do so when i want. or take my work with me on the road. whatever. sounds glorious. and this is the year to make that dream come closer to being true. i know it's not possible to do right away but gotta make strides to get closer to it.

once i get a free moment i have to redesign my website too. i have to make it easily updatable so i can just post new stuff whenever it comes which seems to be weekly. i might break down and just pay one of my friends to make it for me since they will make it faster and better than i could. but i will have full control over the design and of course need to know how it works to update it. i'm not web incompetant but i'm also not super savvy so i can't do it as quickly as i'd need to i think. opportunity cost as well. the time i would be spending on it i could be spending on some other project. anyhow, i wont worry just yet but if it gets to be summer then i'll start to push myself to getting it done.

anyhoo, andrew come back!!! cuz i miss u so.

the lineup is official!! tool and depeche mode are headlining. gross. BUT fucking daft punk is on the bill and that's amazing in my book. i'm so excited about all the medium to small bands playing this year. it's insane. i made my list and it's so long! but for sure without doubt i will be at daft punk at the end of the nite. unless franz is on against them. but i think i'll still be at daft punk because when the hell will i get to see them again? my guess is franz will be at reading but not daft! anyhow, i'm super stoked despite losing the coachella pool. goddamn strokes. why o why didn't they play? i think they pulled out last minute. i'm convinced!