so lacma party last nite. good times. though we had to wait forever to get in. and i expected that. years past have proven the same thing. long long lines. i mean why wouldn't there be? it's lacma. having a free event. with art, music, dancing, drinking, and just an all around good social time. why wouldn't people want to go? i didn't mind the line so much because we had a whole crew there. we wedged in btwn my coworker byron and his friends and adam and his girl. just COINCIDENTALLY adam was RIGHT BEHIND byron! that was fucking amazing. so we all laughed it up and had a great time in line for the hour plus wait we were there. inside there were tons of people all around our age having a great time. rick and dwayne were on their A game talking to random people and bringing the party wherever they went. i wanted to dance really badly but my feet were killing me from the stupid shoes i wore. POOP.

so i had a hard time melding the groups last nite. i tried but it's not easy. there was byron and his friends in front. then alex (this dude i met with this other dude the other night who i thought would be cool to bring). then eric and his friend who i've never met. and of course the usual crew. so yea it was hard. but everyone seemed to get along fine and dandy. so i am not concerned.

bleh i'm tired. more later. but parting last words for now. sadly i have come to realize that a decent number of guys my age are starting to lose their hair and/or have slightly receding hairlines. how sad.....

it's really weird but i feel like the night has been MUCH longer than any other night. it's ONLY 11pm but i feel like it should be 1am or later. damn. am i moving in slow motion? i dunno...i am doing a lot of work and also procrastinating. a little of both. no one else is home so the place is all cold and lonely. boo fucking hoo. i'm used to it now. cold bed and cold house. yea i get it. tomorrow is the lacma party. i am curious to see how that's going to be this year now that it's on a thursday. we shall see. eric is coming to town tomorrow so he might come with. his friend is here as well. good times to be had i hope. hopefully a good and interesting weekend!

so today was fucking gorgeous because it rained so much yesterday and today it's all bright and sunny. loved it. a whole group of us went to lunch together too and it was fun. good times. i like when we do that.

we have new desks at work. or rather, our desk locations have all changed. it's really weird. but i am starting to get used to it. we'll see how i like it as the months pass by.

we were just having a discussion of sorts about men giving flowers to girls on dates or whatever. and everyone knows how i feel about flowers. my hate for them as a symbol of caring or whatever. so fucking cliche i can't stand it. and then i recalled when andrew got me orchids for valentine's day. i was so upset over it. and then i recalled when he got me masking tape on our first date. and how in love i was with that idea. oh andy. i miss him sometimes. a lot. how cute was that. masking tape?! oh andy....i think i'm sinking into a sad moment right now. poop.

as u can see, no day # anymore. i've decided to stop counting. i got my response from andrew which leads me to believe if i kept counting i'd be counting for a really long time. and frankly i don't want to do that anymore. it's sad that he's not ready to talk, but what can i do? nothing really. so i move on and when he's ready he's ready....

in other news, i got off work at 2pm today and saw not one but two movies. man. good times. first i saw thank you for smoking and then a preview of brick. the former was good and just what i expected. the latter not so good and not as good as i had hoped.

i will have to keep this short as i just got home and have a million things to tend to. so until tomorrow when i shall blog from my new seat at work. i hope the door doesn't hit me in the head and knock me out.

day 25 (cont'd):
well i got my response. i started to wonder if he was going to get back to me. he did. via email. and as it turns out, he doesn't feel ready to really talk to me yet. i guess i'm coming to terms with this more than he is. cuz i thought i was ready to talk. i mean it has been about a month since we saw each other last. but he isn't ready i seems so i guess i won't really be talking to/seeing him. i dunno what to really think of this. i mean part of me is sad about it because i wonder if we'll ever get to the point of it being ok. he's so fucking busy it sounds like he hasn't had the proper amount of grieving time or whatever u wanna call it. and if he continues to be busy like this will he ever get over it? meanwhile i've tried really fucking hard to get over it. distract myself and just overall try to forget. slowly turn those photos around. or remove those items. whatever it takes. part of me is glad he's not over it. tho that part of me isn't sure why it's glad cuz that part of me also knows that he's not going to change his mind. so it's stupid to be glad he's still in pain. anyway, one thing i do know is i'm glad he replied to me. cuz i started to get angry actually. he ignored my other messages but this one i specifically asked for a response and if he wasn't going to give me one i was going to get super mad. so at least it didn't come to that. bleh. back to work.

day 25 (cont'd):
ugh. why did i do that? now i'm so fucking aggrevated that he hasn't gotten back to me. ugh. that was a bad bad move. cuz now if i don't hear from him i'm going to be really pissed off and really sad all at once. fuck. i can't undo it. ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

day 25 (cont'd):
crap. so i decided to just call andrew to ask if i could see him/get my stuff on wed since eric is in town from thurs to tues and i don't wanna have to deal with that while eric is here even tho i don't know how long eric will actually be around me. i just don't want that complication. not to mention it's been almost a month since i said goodbye to andrew. so i thought it would be ok. anyway, so i called and got voicemail as i suspected and i realized that the moment i had to leave a message it was really fucking hard for me. like i didn't know what to say. i felt like i was talking to a stranger's voicemail. it was so weird. and i know i sounded really really awkward. awkward pauses. awkward speech pattern. man that was harder than leaving a voicemail to some guy i just the number of. goddamnit. this tells me something about how i feel about all of this though. because that was really hard for me. harder than i expected. no tears or anything but still. really hard to do. damn. i told him i would like the courtesy of a response in any form - call back, txt message, email, whatever. just a response. i think i deserve that much. i know he's in the country so we can't blame it on lack of communication possibilities. anyway, we'll see. crap that was hard. crap...

day 25:
another day another dollar. so how's waking up 2 hrs earlier than usual to go to the dentist? yea that's what i did today. no fun. and then on the way to work i saw literally at least 40 UPS trucks on the 10 going west. it was NUTS. they must all deploy at once. crazy shit man.

i have much work to do tonight. and this week is gonna be stellar. i forgot eric was coming to town. so that will be great. LACMA party is gonna be cool and interesting i think. oh yes. good times to be had in the coming week. i can't wait. and yes i am single and yes i'll embrace it goddamnit!!!

day 24:
work day. tho i am going to go out for a bit. gotta see that bright lovely sun at least a little. this week seems just as busy as last. well no vegas involved but tuesday is going to be movie day. i get a half day at work cuz we are moving out offices around. so i think i'm gonna go see thank you for smoking during the day and then later there is an advanced screening of brick that a few of us are gonna try to see. then thursday is the lacma party. and since that's josh's birthday i'll have to figure out another time to take him to dinner. so maybe wednesday. friday is up in the air but i'll figure something out for sure. saturday i'm going with the girls to get pedicures. fun fun. this will be my first. and sprinkled in btwn all that socialness will be work and more work. at least i'm never bored. and shit man, this month has flown by. at the beginning of the month i was so fucking depressed i never thought it would end. and now the month is nearly over and i'm like, holy crap me and james have to figure out our bday plans!! still no word from andrew though which saddens me a bit. i hope he isn't replying to me because he's still sad about it all rather than just so over it or so annoyed that he doesn't want to talk. i can't imagine it's the latter but if it is, that makes me sad.

ok time to get off this box.

day 23:
last night was nutty. james and i hopped around to like 5 places last nite. good times. we went to moca where mission was accomplished. he met a bunch of MAG peeps very briefly tho none of them know he's a potential for a job except the one woman who i have put him in contact with. and the goal was to intro them. and i did! we caught her at the bar (open bar event...score!) and we all had a 15 or so minute convo. so good good. mission accomplished. the exhibit itself was just so so. and i saw a few peeps from work there. one of which i saw later outside another bar. man she's makes the circuit. haha

after moca james and i went to amoeba where we dropped a little bit of cash and i finally figured out that this guy i saw at bar 107 a few weeks back works at amoeba and THAT's where i recognized him from. now i can lay that to rest. phew!

after amoeba i got some food at jack. then marjolijn called me saying i should meet her at vine bar. so since we were in the area and on our way to the cat & fiddle to meet brian and co, we decided we'd stop by vine bar for a quick drink. but then when we got there it was guest list only. poop. and i saw my coworker macking on some dude. haha

so then we went to the cat & fiddle. but by then it was about midnight and the bar was PACKED. so there was a $5 cover. and we weren't havin that. so we just called it a night.

good times tho. i never really hang out with james just one on one. so that was fun. and we paraded around hollywood for a bit with no success. haha c'est la vie. good company with no bars is better than bad company with bars. so the night was good all in all.

today i'm doing work for most of the day. poop. this vinyl art is killing me. replacing so many fucking tshirts with the G logo. man. its ridiculous because the photo is so small and busy. gah.

i emailed andrew the other day to see if he wanted to talk this weekend. no reply so far. so i guess that means no. poop. i miss him. tho not as much. and i'm getting used to being single. so if he doesn't email me by next friday i'm calling him. and if it goes to voicemail i'm just going to say something like i want to talk and if he doesn't then i'm going to just come to get my stuff. i have the key so i can get it whenever. bleh. so sad. this month has really flown by tho i have to say. it was rough at first but then i just kept myself insanely busy to keep my mind off of it. and it's worked well i think.

day 22:
man. i really needed that rest last nite. i feel so much better today. yes indeed. now i'm about to go out with james to this event at the moca put on by the MAG. i wanna pimp his ass cuz they are hiring for this position and i think he would be great for it. so i want him to meet the woman who is doing the hiring. just so that she knows who he is before he goes on his possible interview. just a quick casual hello at the event just to touch base.

day 21 (cont'd):
man i'm so tired i'm past the point of being tired. seriously. i hit a wall earlier today and it was painful to be awake. literally, i was in pain. but now i'm like whatever about it because i think my body is just like. alright, we don't need this thing called sleep. fuck it. we can go on without it. just keep moving you'll be ok. and so here i am. awake. working. and not really tired. insanity i tell ya. insanity!!!

day 21:
vegas baby, vegas

fuck me i did it. and i love life right now. even if i am running off little to no sleep. i had a great fucking time out there. all 12 hours or so of it. seriously, i loved it. and it wasn't like i did anything extraordinary. i just basically got to hang out with a really awesome boy and have some fun in the process. fun meaning drinking, gambling, and great conversation. i'm so glad i did this. the spontaneity of it is amazing to me and it just proves to me that i am not getting old and fuck man, if u wanna do something, just fucking do it. no regrets. never.

so basically i left work around 4:30 yesterday. got myself to the burbank airport. hopped on the plane and got to vegas around 8pm. took a cab to the hotel where kyle and his friend anthony were staying. changed my clothes and we hit the strip. we spent a good portion of the night at the luxor though we hopped around from the sahara, mgm, circus circus and slots of fun with the help of the monorail. that thing is nifty and handydandy indeed. i drank a lot but when we'd walk a lot it would sober me up. i am awful at blackjack and lost $40. i stopped there. i love the slot machines cuz they are so fun and cheap to play. i even played $1 at a slot at the airport waiting for my plane just to say i did it.

i got random phone calls from will and joe (sf joe). so i had a good 15 min chat with joe and mark. they were at the WRM with ky and eric and so we shot the shit for a few. good times. so random considering i never really talk to joe and will via phone. and yet they both call on the one nite i'm in vegas being totally random. i loved it.

i saw carrot top who looked weird as usual. man i wanted to take a photo with him for the sheer hilarity of it. but that would have meant pretending to fawn over his ass. fuck that.

i got to catch up a lot with kyle which was awesome and just all around it was good to see him again. i love that boy with all my heart. not love love. but love. yes. love. anyway, we had a bitchin good time. i mean to tell the absolute details are just minutia really. drink. gamble. walk around. drink. go to the bathroom. etc. it's not necessary. but yea it was fun.

around 4am kyle and i left anthony at the blackjack table and went back to the hotel. i showered quickly and then slept for about 10 min. then around 5am we all went to the airport. i was hurting at that point. i was drunk AND tired. but had to keep going. man it sucked. i didn't think i'd make it to work. i slept for about 30 min in the terminal i think. then got on the plane and slept the whole plane ride. landed at 9am. raced to work in bum ass traffic on the 5. and still managed to get to the office before most of my coworkers. fuck yea. i haven't had any coffee since yesterday and i'm still awake. i'm a certifiable ROCKSTAR. that's all there is to it.

day 20:
man o man. i've had a rough late night/morning. GAH. ok so like the artwork i'm doing. i won't get into details. suffice to say i'm dealing with 3 versions of it. all need to be uploaded like yesterday so to speak. errors. reuploading. uploading not working. me losing sleep over the uploading. all this bullshit. ugh!!! so i'm tired. cranky. and i am going to vegas tonight. i dunno if i'm thrilled or dreading it at this point. ugh. it's just been a shitty night.

but the guillemots show was great. oh and it's pronouced GIL-MOTS. not GHEE-EH-MOES. at least i think that's what it is. it's weird. whatever. the lead singer has lots of passion when he sings and plays and he's just so fucking cute. i think "my chosen one" is my fave of their songs now cuz when he sang it and played the piano, man was it beautiful. MAN. anyway, another day another dollar. i might be dead tomorrow. we'll see. if not i might go to the GC with the coworker. that would be so much fun. i just don't know if i'll have the energy. honestly.

oh and last nite i got hit on by some middle-aged black guy at jack in the box. ben coltrane was his name apparently. are u serious? coltrane? for real? then this old old old fucking man kept staring at me. he must have been 60-70 yrs old. i sure can reel em in can't i? eat that shit andrew. eat that. hahaha. just kidding. i still miss u. really...i do....

day 19:
i'm going crazy i think. many of u might not know it, but i am. good crazy. not bad crazy. this month has been the shit. and i mean that in both senses of the word. good and bad. i am so fucking tempted to go to the grand canyon with my coworker and her friends this weekend. i dunno. i might die come friday after the LACMA party. i'm not sure. i think i've overcompensated for my singledom a bit much and it's going to catch up with me pretty soon. but fuck it. balls to the walls til then. and sooner or later i'll see andrew again. i hope that goes better than my fucking gang warfare dream. shit.

anyhoo, i leave u with this AWESOMELY HILARIOUS photo of me looking uber lazy and chic in front of the marathoners. curtesy of zach.

day 18:
b&s was fantastic. i am in love with the lead singer. i don't care if he's gay. i love him. very much so. he's so fucking cute and he has the best onstage presence. good banter. fun dancing. cute clothes. he's the best. he's the gay friend u've always wanted. =) they played a great set. like 2 hrs total with the encore. sadly they didn't play "there's too much love" or "boy with the arab strap" but the rest was very solid. joe looked much hipper and cuter than me. i was not on point. tsk tsk jen. hahaha

so today is a new day for the work week and i've been talking with folks. i'm totally confused with my life right now. not scared. not worried. but confused and frustrated. i don't know where my career is going. it's going but i don't know where. i don't know about living here in LA anymore. i'm getting frustrated with the city. i also don't know about my love life. because i don't want to married anytime soon, but i find myself looking for qualities only good in a marriage-material-man. so it's like i'm looking for something solid yet i don't want to get married so i dunno what i'm looking for really. gah. i also don't know how i feel about andrew anymore. like i miss him but at the same time i've learned to block him out so much that i don't know what i'm missing or if i should be missing him anymore. i know when i see him this will change my views of it all but as of now i'm just totally confused.

day 17 (cont'd):
oh yea i forgot to mention, in all the marathon madness, that i went out to see a movie last nite! i managed to get out of the house thanks to stacey. she drove me and lawrence to the arclight. we were going to see thank you for smoking but there were no 3 seats together for us so we saw v for vendetta instead and it was really quite good. i wasn't sure what to expect because the trailer didn't really grab me. it sorta just looked like this action/sci-fi/comic book type movie set in the near future with some sort of government problems or something. well that's what it is but it's really good. it's intelligent and the action is quite good. so i was happy i saw it.

belle & sebastian tonight!!! woo!!! i can't wait...

day 17:

CONGRATULATIONS AMANDA, JEN, & RICK!!!

while the lot of us (lawrence, michael, me, stacey, brian, jessica, zach, dan, clay, and lo's coworker robin) were all lounging on the couch outside my house, amanda, jen and rick were running a mutherfuckin marathon. we cheered them on and took lots of photos as we sat there lazily eating junk food and drinking hard lemonade. it was a great way to spend a sunday morning/afternoon.

rick finished in 04:16:42 for over an overall placement of 3450. jen and amanda finished at the same time in 05:31:55 for overall placements of 10724 and 10724. good fucking job guys! =)

day 16 (cont'd):
just to clarify, i will only be counting til the day andrew and i speak/see each other again. so that should be no more than 30 days. i don't really have a purpose to count anymore. i got over that whole thing at least in the single digit days. but now i'm just counting to see how long it is til we speak. so yea. the count continues.

anyway, i have decided that st. patty's day is too much of a hassle and considering i have been to ireland on st. patty's day, i might as well lay that day to rest cuz nothing is going to top being in the mecca if you will. st. patty's day requires a lot of effort to get your drink on at a bar since everyone and their mother wants to go out that night. and i just don't enjoy that sort of situation. it's too much effort and it's not for me. so alas, another st. patty's day goes by without a drop of liquor. and i'm fine with it. i really am.

it's now approaching 6pm and i have left the house exactly 3 times today. once to move my car. once to go to the UPS store to mail back some proofs. and once to go to ralphs to get snakages for tomorrow when we watch our friends hit mile 19 of the marathon. this day, my friends, has been sad...who the fuck leaves their house 3 times in one day and doesn't do anything fun? clearly me it would seem. i must convince someone to do something with me tonight where they drive and i can just go along for the ride. otherwise it's going to me sitting alone watching some rental on the couch or something. depressing indeed. fitting though because i feel depressed today. but still. i don't want to wallow in complete self-pity. at least i have things to look forward to including drinking hard lemonade with friends in my PJs on my couch outside the house, belle & sebastian with joe, guillemots at the hotel cafe, and motherfucking vegas with kyle! so yea, i just gotta get past today. strange how my saturday is feeling like sunday and sunday will feel like saturday.

day 16:
bleh. last nite was sort of depressing knowing that andrew was supposed to be at sami's but wasn't on account of me. and today i'm just feeling crappy cuz 1) i can't really move my car since the marathon fucks up driving and parking around my house. so i have to leave it parked where it is or i'm fucked for parking later. so it sucks. i can't really go anywhere. i miss andrew. if we were together i could be doing something with him. but no. rick is half asleep and lawrence is with jen. michael...well we never see him. bleh. i have no gumption to do anything right now. even tho i know i have to do some vinyl art. ugh. i just wanna waste my day listening to music. tho that's a little depressing too. if i could move my car at least i could do something. but no. whatever. bleh.

day 15:
the pattern continues...sigh...

day 14 (cont'd):
i'm seeing the pattern. fine during the day at work when i'm super occupied with a lot of stuff. not so fine when i get home to a lonely, empty house. =(

i miss you andy, and you probably don't even care anymore...

day 14:
so i had these wickedly bad dreams last nite. i mean when i recount them they won't sound that bad, but trust me, they felt traumatic when i woke up.

ok so here we go.

first dream entailed massive gang warfare in los angeles. i was driving to andrew's and i got to a point where the roads were blocked. i looked around and didn't realize what was happening. i saw a police squad sitting there guns aimed at the air. they were to my left. i looked to my right and there were a fuckload of gang type people holding their guns too. guns start going off and i panic. so i turn around and head for the hills. literally. i head higher up into hollywood. take the high road so to speak. and eventually i get to andrew's where i literally hide out because i'm scared of getting shot. gunfire is going off everywhere. cuz now i'm realizing this is some sort of gang war going on. i can't remember what else happened but i just know i felt really scared. it was so scary going to see andrew. and i am certain that this dream was just a manifestation of my real fears of seeing him again. so creepy and sad.

second dream. not really scary. just about shopping and buying way too much cheese. literally the entire dream was about having this cheese in my hands and hoping it wouldn't melt.

third dream. i'm home with the boys and we get a phone call. michael drank too much and got a mild heart attack. i was FLIPPING OUT. but somehow he just comes home and he's not better but he's home. he's all weak and shit. i saw some sort of image scan thing (it doesn't exist in the real world) that shows how this heart attack affected his body. all these spots in differnt part of his body that showed damage. omg i was freaking out. poor michael. that's all i remember of that dream but whenever i have dreams about my friends and they are not well in the dream (like something severe happens) i flip out when i wake up. michael wasn't home when i left the house but i hope to hell he's ok.

anyhoo, volatile sleeping last nite. shit.

so i asked andrew if he wanted to compromise and take part of friday night. but he said he's working up north and doesn't know when he'll get back i could just go ahead and go. i tried. he can't say i didn't. i think he's sick of me. i dunno if that's true but i feel it in my bones. and then i started to come up with all these stupid ideas about why we broke up and then i got really pissed thinking about them and yea. no good. i am hoping we can talk for real next week. late next week. like friday or saturday. see where we stand. maybe get some more of my shit back. etc. bleh. i'm so busy once again it's hard to have time to think about this shit. and i guess i'm getting used to being single again. bleh. BLEH. i miss the boy and all but yea. bleh. bleh bleh bleh. done.

day 13 (cont'd):
holy mother of god i'm going to vegas next week. it just sort of dawned on me that it's real. i'm going to see kyle next week and party all night in the middle of the fucking week. omg. what have i done?!?! haha man that was totally an impluse move right there. i love it. fuck yeah!

day 13 (cont'd):
*sigh* feeling the pangs of pain again. i was doing really well today actually. but it's that little itch that gets ya sometimes. no real reason. just happens. i guess i get really lonely when i come home cuz normally i would come home and talk to him at least. can't even do that now. much less go over and see him. so it's very lonely at home. even if i am working non-stop. =( anyway MUCH work to do. so no time to sit and be sad.

day 13:
i'm going to vegas!!!

i hate vegas by the way. but kyle is going to be there so i'm going for one night. next week. wednesday night. after work. i'll be there less than 24 hours but it will be glorious. i can't wait. i'm so excited to see him and get this release. i'm equating this to my trip to oregon post-dan breakup. only shorter and more expensive. haha anyhoo, i'll be dead by the end of next week with all the social activities i am partaking in. sami/arian bday on friday. belle & sebastian on sunday. guillemots on tuesday. vegas on wednesday. dead on thursday....haha

on a musical note. this month is insane for music. i think i forgot to mention i saw voxtrot on sunday with james. they were good. not spectacular. but good. last nite i saw BRMC and they were fucking awesome. 2 hour set. shit...and they played a mix of accoustic and regular songs. they really rock hard. i loved it. went with two coworkers. we had a blast. and now we are all tired. haha getting old i suppose.

still have to plan my bday celebs with james. gotta figure something out. something amazing. we'll see....

i'm debating about telling andrew he can come to part of sami/arian's bday because i feel shitty about him not going. and i think i'll only go for part of the night on account that i'm feeling sick right now and must gear up for next weeks debauchery. i haven't decided if i can deal with him there for even a little while. so we shall see.

day 12:
i feel like a broken record recently so i am trying to keep this to a minimum. i mean let's face it. i miss him so much there isn't enough times i can say it to get him back. so why even try...

sami told him i was thinking of not going to her party on account that i'd probably start crying and be upset to see him. so he's just not going to go. i can't believe we have to do this. but i dunno. i guess it's for the best. part of me wanted to see him tho it would have been the worst idea ever. and i would have regretted it immediately. so alas, he is just not going. SHITTY.

on a terribly happy note, kyle from georgia is going to be in vegas next week for 3 days. i'm seriously considering flying there for one night to see him and just have a great fucking time. it's midweek which will kill me but fuck it. i need my release. so once i speak to him to confirm it all, i'm going to southwest that shit and go. fuck man, it'll be insane! and i'll love every minute. i'd never have done this if i was with andrew. not because andrew was restraining but like i just wouldn't have had the gumption. NOW i do!

brmc tonight. can't wait. more later.

day 11:

this is how i cope with the andrew situation. i turn to modeling....

day 10 (cont'd):
tell me how unhealthy THIS is....

i just miss him so much. and i think i'll be seeing him friday for sami's birthday. *sigh* that is going to be painfully, and possibly tearfully, hard to do.

day 10 (cont'd):
so i went to the disney concert hall with joe. it was fun. i love joe. and we looked damn good together. we decided to match. he wore black on black with a tie that had red and white in it. so picture joe. cute little joe with frumpy hair. then picture him with a black dress shirt, black slacks, back belt, and black dress shoes. all from kenneth cole. then a black-ish tie with red and white stripes. all he needed was thick-rimmed black glasses and he would have been a sophisticated art major. haha i went with a black strapless dress. my new black charles david maryjane-esque shoes. with red necklace, red ring, and red purse. we looked damn good. ;)

the performance we saw was awesome. the first one was sorta crazy. very spastic. sporadic. infrequent. volatile. these are all words i'd use to describe it. it was hard to process. it's like when u hear a song that not in 4/4 time. it's not a bad thing. it's just harder to dance to because it's not the rhythm u are used to. well i felt like this concert was like that. hard to process. u are listening to the music and u wanna run with it but u can't quite. the conductor was awesome. he looked all snazzy with his black outfit that had red on the underside of the coatails. clearly he got our memo. haha the second concert was amazing. it'd had 5 parts and goddamn they were good. at one point some of the muscians were just plucking their strings and it was so beautiful. the ending was so swelling and beautiful. the overall piece was just more organized sounding. very easy to follow and just get lost in. in fact at times i felt myself just sorta slipping away into the music. letting it take me to another place. and then i started to think about andrew since he was supposed to be my date to this event. and the sadness i heard in the music just translated into my own sadness and i got caught up for a bit. but i didn't cry. that was good.

afterwards joe and i went to eat food. we were starving. so we went to j-town and got some good clean food. then he took me home so that we could each go to our respective concerts. we are hardcore. two shows in one day. for me, voxtrot. for him, ozma.

anyway, it was a good time. and i'm glad i FINALLY got to go. in fact he and i might go to this other show on saturday. they are having this weeklong series called "minimalist jukebox" and it kicks off on saturday at 11:59pm with performances by boom bip, the orb, dntel, and someone else. it goes til 6am. we sorta wanna go cuz it would be rad. it's only like $20 for the cheapest seats. so we shall see. the marathon would be a bit of a hinderance in the planning but it's not impossible. so if he's down i'm down. that'd be another hardcore weekend. cuz we are also both going to see belle & sebastian next sunday. so if we did this it'd be disney hall saturday night/sunday morning. sleep a couple hours. then i'd get up to watch the marathon. then sleep a couple hours. then go to B&S. good stuff. it'd be like my own personal music marathon of sorts. haha

day 10:
now that i'm newly single it's now ok to talk to men at bars with the possible intent of getting their numbers. though i have no desire to do this currently as i miss andrew so much there is probably no man out there at a bar who is going to make me forget that right now.

exhibit A: mid-30s asian man with LONG hair.

last nite i went out with the peeps to this new bar in culver city. there was a wait to get in which was killing me but once inside it wasn't half bad. we all posted up at the bar and had ourselves a decent time. at one point said asian man taps me on the shoulder (i saw him standing next to me for like an hour) and says, "i bet you get this a lot but you look a lot like the lead singer of the yeah yeah yeahs." to which i replied, "really? i've NEVER gotten that before. i don't think i look like her." and he says, "really? i'm the first person to tell you that? i thought you were her for awhile til i realized you weren't. it's a good thing though." then i said some nicety and turned away.

1. did this man really think *i* looked like karen o? probably not.
2. was this just some cheesy pick up line? probably yes.
3. was it successful? hell no.

i admit that pickup lines really just don't work. lemme tell you why. unless u say something that is so fucking brilliant, so fucking witty, so fucking hilarious, i won't really give a shit unless you are attractive to me. because this is a bar and how the hell do i know if u have an awesome personality? i don't! and chances are if u do, u will say something that really gets me. and we'll have a chat. so anyway, this man had no chance with this line. no chance in hell. the sad this is that when we left the bar and we were walking to the car, i told rick the story and sure enough, said man was right behind us. and crossed the street making his presence known to me. OOPS! oh well. who ever said i wasn't a bitch at times anyway?

off to disney concert hall with joe....not andy.... =( at least we were dressing up and coordinating colors. that's fun. =)

day 9 (cont'd):
WOW. i have like 60 pairs of non-fancy (ie. not thongs and "special") underwear and like 130 tops (not counting sweaters, jackets, and shirts to sleep in). jesus i have too many clothes!!!

day 9:
ugh. knowing that andrew is here is really getting to me. =( i want to call him or write to him or something and i know i can't. bleh....this is killing me. and i know....I KNOW...it's wrong for me to think this way. but i'm basically counting down my time til we can speak again. which is fucking stupid. i KNOW this. but i can't help it. it's exactly how i'm feeling. just waiting til it's been long enough for us to talk. i highly...HIGHLY...doubt that in a week or two i will have miraculously gotten better and not care if he's out of my life. ugh. i miss him so much.

on a better note. i hung out with my old coworker cindy. we went to the griddle at 9:30 this morning and STILL there was a wait. i mean seriously people. wtf? anyway that's was fun. we got to catch up. then we went to target together and bought more than we needed. as target always makes both of us do. tsk tsk target. now i'm doing my mounds and mounds of laundry. and i just realized that i left my bra bag over at andrew's. =( not only was it free for me to do laundry there but i got to hang out with him too. *sigh* when will i ever get over him?

day 8 (cont'd):
must...have...willpower.

i miss andrew and for sure my "feeling fine" in the past week was a result of knowing he was out of reach in japan. now he's back. sometime today. and i am feeling crappy. missing him a lot. knowing i could call if i was so inclined. i must have willpower. i'm going to see a movie with stacey tonight. get out of the house. take my mind off of andy. ugh....

this weekend i'm going to attempt to figure out how this flash script i found works beause it's exactly how i want my new portfolio site to function. so once i figure out how to manipulate the script it's a matter of redesigning the look of my site and then implementing it all. so first step is figuring it all out. and i have a web team at my disposal for help. i mean as it is, one guy helped me find the script. and now that i have it i just have to figure out how to tweak it and then it's drag and drop really. so that should help take my mind off of andy... =(

day 8:
bleh. i miss andrew. A LOT..... =(

umm so they just had me model piece of clothing at work. hahaha ME? a model? no way. then they decided not to use it cuz well, i'm not a good model. or rather, it didn't fit me right. whatever the case may be, i'm spared. thankfully. it was weird. i don't know how to pose. haha

anyway, i really miss andy. i want to see him tho i know i'll be sad. for sure. boo. BOO....

i had this weird dream last nite that stacey was marrying a man similar to william h. macy. and i had no idea til i was at the wedding and saw her getting married! and my boss was the best man and yea. it was just so bizarre. what the hell does that mean?!

day 7 (cont'd):
maybe my body knows that this time last week i was sitting on andrew's bed crying my eyes out with sheer pain. i dunno. the body is a strange thing. and i think somehow it knows. because i'm on a rollercoaster of emotion tonight. up and down, up and down. random little things are really setting this off and it sucks and hurts so much.

tomorrow andrew comes back from japan. this of course should mean nothing to me as i can't see him or anything. but holy crap it hurts a lot. knowing that i can't see him. i wonder when we will speak again. and i wonder how he's doing. is he hurting like i am? or totally getting over me? i miss him. i miss mr. bear. and i miss all the good times we had together. =(

day 7 (cont'd):
wow that sucked. an enormous rush of pain and sadness came over me for a little bit there. brought me to tears. haven't cried in days now. wow that really really sucked. it hurt a lot. i think i'm better now. relatively speaking. but yea. shit. emotions are stupidly crazy.

on another note. kyla got into columbia for grad school and if she goes i am seriously toying with the idea of moving there next year. i also said i could never live in NYC but if she was there i would possibly do it. not right now clearly. i have a lease to upload and she's not even there now. but if she moved this fall for school, i'd consider moving there next year when my lease was up. that's super far off but seriously, i'd consider it. it'd help me get out of LA and to a place new and fresh for a year or so. anyhoo, that's not a reality at this moment. but it's something i toyed with today as i spoke to her about her probability of moving to NYC.

day 7 (cont'd):
my heart hurts a bit right now. all the way home actually. the pain comes in waves. big waves. it's like either i'm fine and doing crap and not thinking about him or somehow it just creeps up on me and it's very painful. this is one of those times. =(

at least the parking gods have spared me. last nite when i got home really late from hanging out with marjolijn, i found a parking spot half a block from my house! then this morning i found a really good spot at work. and just now i went to return something and urban outfitters and was certain i wouldn't find a good spot when i got home. but i did! half a block away again. so at least something is going right...

day 7:
so i hung out with andrew's friend marjolijn last nite and she's way cool. if i didn't have so much work to do i would have extended our time from the dinner and the post-dinner coffee to the bar afterward. but alas i had to get home and do some work. luckily the parking gods were good to me and i found a spot half a block from my house! anyhoo, i hope to hang out with her again. it sucks though that andrew and i aren't together. i could see her more easily otherwise. grrrrr....DAMN YOU ANDREW!!!

as i was driving home i thought to myself that maybe i was starting to get over andrew. cuz i felt alright when i would mention him in conversation and whatnot. and just overall i feel like i'm getting better. but then i woke up today all sad. so i think that was a temporary lasp into disbelief. and knowing andrew is in japan just fools me into thinking he will be back and back with me. but no. he'll just be back. so sad. boo. i miss andy. sometimes i find myself making stupid faces that we used to make at each other and then i wish he was there to make them with me. so i wouldn't feel so stupid. haha

day 6 (cont'd):
so i think i'm more stressed out when i'm not at work than when i am. what is wrong with this equation?? i have so many different projects going on i'm dying. cd artwork is near completion but we dont have final yes and we dont have upload info. now we are going to do a vinyl version and a UK vinyl EP! man. exciting but man. i'm spread too thin. i want to take a break. and my ear hurts. i need medicine. ugh. i'm a wreck. and i miss andrew lots. just not at the forefront. at the back of my brain. it's there. always. wishing he was still with me.... sigh =(

day 6:

the ecomonics of my dream

i had a fairly simple dream last nite. well two actually but i can't recall if the "second" dream was a new one or just an extension of the first. anyhoo, when i woke up this morning i feverishly repeated the basics of the dream to myself as not to forget. and while what i will describe below seems so simple to remember, when u first wake up u aren't really awake and u think u will remember the dream so easily. then a couple minutes later u barely remember anything. weird how that is.

anyway, so my dream was basically that andrew and i were standing in a room that was slowly slowly filling with water. like slowly the water was rising. and i was panicking. but then i remembered that he and i had been through this before. now i don't know if in the dream i had really been thru this before of if in real life i've really had a dream just like this before. i don't know. but i dont think it matters because in the dream i thought, "we have been thru this before. it was 10 times worse. we can make it through it." and it was 10 times worse. the previous time i went through this the water level was nearly to our heads and we barely escaped. i don't know how but we did. so this time we were like, ok all we have to do is this and that and this and that and it'll be ok. so after awhile of doing whatever it was we were dong to get thru this i think i woke up. or my dream switched gears into what i called earlier, the "second" dream.

so the second dream was me, andrew, and bunch of our friends at this carnival type thing. we were riding rides and waiting for a movie to start. i got freaked out suddenly and decided not to go on the ferris wheel. though once it got started they went around like twice and it was over. LAME. then we went to sit down in this preliminary seating area for the movie. and each person was allowed to save one seat. so i saved one for andrew because we were back together in the dream. and that's all i remember.

so that was the dream(s) and when i took my shower at first i was like. hmmm could this be like andrew and i went thru that really bad flood last week and when we speak again it will be like the smaller flood that we overcome? so i was originally going to call this "weathering the storm." but then i got into thinking about it more. and what if the dream signified the macro sense and not the micro. like the micro being me and andrew and our stages of our relationship. and the macro meaning stages of all my relationships. what if this dream meant that this relationship was the big flood that we had such a hard time making it thru. and that the next relationship i have will be easier and i'll make it thru with less complication? so then i was like, it's like economics. macro and micro!

anyhoo, that's it for that. i guess i should start working.

day 5 (cont'd):
sigh....i miss andy.... =(

day 5 (cont'd):

i'm gonna pimp this shit like you wouldn't believe it.

i just had an AMAZING massage at this place my boss recommended. it's called pho-siam. the website is www.phosiam.com and it's a thai massage place. all nice and new looking. cheap too! i got the 60 min massage and it was $40. and boy did they do a number on me. i felt like a wet noodle (to quote my coworker who also came along and got one) after it all. hot damn this is my new massage place. anyhoo, if you are ever feeling stressed of tense, go here. they will work you real good. yes real good. (i know that's not proper english but that's how it is...) beware, it's not for the weak though. lots of pushing, stretching, proding. the whole nine yards. and in some compromising positions too. i believe they have rooms for two people as well in case you wanna go with your special friend. sadly i have no special friend anymore...tho i couldn't see andrew getting a massage anyway. in fact i can't see most men doing it. though secretly i think many want to.

on a completely different note, look at the letter i got in the mail the other day. i forgot to post it. umm....3 questions. 1) how the hell did they get my name? 2) what exactly do you do at a country club? and 3) does it cost more to join than what i make in one calendar year?

lawrence and rick say i should go and check it out just because i got the letter. i'm tempted though currently don't have the time for it.

day 5:
so i guess since i'm sooo fucking busy right now my subconscious has decided to take over my pain for andy. i was up for hours cutting and pasting those fucking boxes only for the man to not come and get them last nite. and then i had my cd artwork to do. nevermind the stuff i put on hold. so instead of thinking about andrew while working i just had a dream about him instead. i can't recall the details except it was present day though he hadn't left for japan. he was on his way. and he called me and it seemed so normal. he was asking about my day. what i had coming up to do. what i wanted from japan. that's all i remember. and then i guess i woke up. i don't know. anyway, i wish he would call me and we could talk. so sad. i miss him dearly. tho right now is the worst time to miss him since i'm just so freakin busy.... =/

anyway so the fucking boxes. ok so the man was going to come and get them but then flaked. so he's picking them up today at work. ugh!!! i spent like 3 hrs hunched over cutting 47 pieces of paper and tiling them together. cut and paste. cut and paste. and then he doesn't come get them. meanwhile i have my cd artwork that is hitting deadline and other crap and ugh. UGH.

day 4 (cont'd):
ok i just found the perfect song for andrew in this situation. and it was RIGHT under my nose since my coworker put it on my mix.

wilco "reservations"

so perfect. and so pretty as well...

p.s. i love oscar winner and sexiest man alive 1997, george clooney. yes, yes i do. and i even made up my little story of the morning after having our fling together. because i think he could charm the pants off me even tho he's twice my age and not my type. haha

day 4:
hmm it's good to read that number get larger and larger.

so i almost got into an accident today driving to work down skid row. some fucking moron was driving down the street the WRONG WAY. i didn't notice at first because i was trying to ensure i didn't hit the j-walking bums as i always do. i swaer they just want me to hit them. ugh. so then the guy in the lane next to me i guess notices the oncoming car and swerves even tho the car isn't anywhere near him. he almost hits me but i swerve. luckily not many people drive down that street AND they always drive slow (on account of avoiding bums). so no accident. all is well. but shit man. it's monday. let's make this work week as painless as possible. i've got a lot of shit to do outside of work. like this fucking cookware project. AND i miss andrew like crazy but i haven't had much time to think about that luckily. once we get past this week i should be in better shape. i hope....

we gave james his gift on saturday. i forgot to mention. i was soooo happy to hand it to him. seriously. and he was so happy too. i love that guy. he's awesome. and he deserves to go. i was so sad when he told me he couldn't afford it. i made it my mission to find a way to get him there. and here we are. we can both geek out to the scissor sisters together. and shit ourselves over how good WRM are. oh fun times. woo!

day 3 (cont'd):
man. these fucking files for the cookware are so fucking huge. and i'm still not done chopping them up. goddamn the man i hate this mofo project. i just keep telling myself it will be over soon and it will pay for my trip to spain and reading. so that's why i'm doing it. it will pay for my trip. IT WILL PAY FOR MY TRIP...

i'm still searching for the perfect song for this heartache. so far i've come up with the following top contenders:

- diana ross & the supremes "reflections"
- diana ross & the supremes "where did our love go?"
- david gray "say hello, wave goodbye"
- deathcab for cutie "transatlanticism"
- grandaddy "this is how it always starts" (new song!)

day 3:
bleh. tooooo much fucking work to do. i am sick sick sick of this cookware job. i want to murder. the didnt measure the boxes right. he doesn't know what's going on. ugh. so annoying. anyway so i have a mound of work to do. that plus the cd package plus this other shit. gah. and i wanna watch the oscars but i have no time. and i'll probably be at kinkos all night which sucks. that or pasting up these fucking boxes. and inhaling nasty spray mount fumes. ugh. i miss andrew a lot but i don't have much time to think about it since i'm so busy til wednesday night...

last nite was fantastic though i think i may have hit the bottle a little too hard. never have i dropped a bottle and had it break and splatter all over the floor before. i knew i was done for then. shaun just kept buying me drinks! and i kept drinking them. but it was awesome to dance and be with amazing friends. they have all been really helpful and supportive in my time of need. thank you all!! =) and at least i didn't puke last nite. tho at the end of the night i was feeling a bit out of sorts. but i managed to just get home and sleep. which did well for me.

of course i had two blasts from the past last nite. and one other random sighting. ok so i went to ralphs to get booze beforehand and i saw this dude who used to work at the shithole record label i used to intern for. this dude is older. he's very east coast stick up my ass sort of person. i saw him at ralphs and i dunno if he looked at me because he recognized me, thought he knew me but wasn't sure, or just looked at me cuz i kept looking at him. regardless i could feel his nasty energy. he always looks angry. always. months back i saw another person from that label at the same ralphs but he was always sorta nice to me. so whatever. and granted this older dude was nice to me but he was just the sort of person who was fake nice and really just hates the world period. anyway, so i saw him.

THEN at the end of bang! i was standing outside with the gang when i saw this dude named sean who was/is friends with asshole john who i dated long ago. seriously i haven't seen sean in years. but i totally recognized him and knew his name and all. and fuck me he recognized me and knew my name. like seriously, how did he remember me?!!? i figured that even tho i noticed him he'd have no clue who i was and i could just escape. but no. he literally started waving at me and yelling, "jen?!" so i went over and we schmoozed (yes not talked, but schmoozed) for about 5 min. i don't recall what was really said but i remember thinking, "omg get me out of here." anyway, that was weird. i mean i haven't seen john in over a year when he came to my house randomly and scared the shit out of me.

anyway, i better get back to work.

day 2 (cont'd):
wow. my heart just stopped there for a second. the fone rang and it was andrew. or so i thought. it was his number. and i panicked for a moment. he has his own ringtone assigned to him in the phone so whenever i hear it's just programmed in my head that it's him. but it wasn't. it was his friend marjolijn. she was going to come out tonight to bang! so after a second or two i realized it was her calling from his phone. man...so on edge. so shitty.... =(

day 2 (cont'd):
why is everything falling apart? nevermind my love life. the DHL package never came!!! and i dont have the logos i mean. what the fuck? ugh. not to mention i'm not as happy with the print job i just got done as i wanted it to be. i knew i shouldnt have done grey. grey is the single hardest color to print. that and red. i know this too. i've done plenty of print jobs. ugh and now it's nearly 6 and i have so much to do and gah. fuck fuck fuck.

day 2:
bleh. working. hating this project. waiting for DHL to come so i can finish the daddy of all cd packages. where the fuck are u DHL? i have shit to do!!! shit outside of the house. i was considering doing my laundry since once i got my clothes back from andrew i realized i have a LOT of laundry to do. i also realized that i have a fuckload of clothes. i mean i dont NEED to do laundry yet. i've got enough tops to last me a few months. and i still have probably 3 wks worth of underwear left. it's insane how many clothes i have. and yet some days i can't find a single thing to wear. go figure. anyway, i realized that i don't have anything to do laundry with. no detergent or dryer sheets. i brought them all to andrew's because i always did my laundry there. damn the man. so i guess i dont be doing laundry today. no time to get detergent. bleh.

i'm listening to a bunch of fitting music right now. searching for the perfect song to capture this moment. have yet to find it. i've found some really good contenders but still not sure what is the best fit. i will find it though. eventually...

in the meantime back to work. andrew is going to japan today for a week so this should help me. just knowing he's not even in my close proximity helps to avoid any temptation.

day 1 (cont'd):
i wasn't doing great but i was doing alright. acceptable one would say. and then i got home and what did i find? the postcard andy sent to me from china. =( and then i was foolish. foolish foolish foolish jen. and i read all his old ones. and how he used to miss me so much when he'd leave. and how he couldn't wait to come home and see me lots. *sigh* this is going to be so fucking hard.

day 1 (cont'd):
man. i was doing alright this morning. then we went to dim sum and went to this toy store with all these japanese toys. =( i got all sad. andrew and all the toys he gave me. last nite when we were agreeing we can't be in contact for awhile he said, "so that means no postcard either." and i thought to myself "duh! no postcard." but yea it's still sad....i dunno. i hope this feeling changes because right now all i think is how i am counting down the days til i can see/talk to him again. and i shouldn't be thinking that way. i should be just thinking i can't see him again. i can't see him again. and if i see him at some point it's just random. i mean that's also wrong but that's easier in the end. i guess. i don't know. bleh. i need a pickmeup... =(

new day 1:
we really picked that scab last nite. that's for damn sure....

i've decided to start over with my day numbering. i think that the past few days don't count anymore because we would still talk sparingly and email. but now it's full blown cut off. for probably 3 wks. and it hurt so much. my eyes are still sorta red and puffy...

basically i went over there. and it was not alright from the start. crying to begin with. lots of hugging and holding. then we sorta calmed down and talked about how much fucking work we have to do and how much it sucks. then we sorta sat there silently. there were lots of silent moments actually. just sitting there. thinking i guess. looking at each other. playing with mr. bear a lot. holding him. then we would cry. stop. repeat. we also had some fun moments. our usual silly faces we make. biting motions. all the stupid shit we would do all the time. it sounds ridiculous if i say it. haha

anyway after a long while we realized that i had to leave. i had brought up the idea of separating for a few weeks. not talking in any form. and then after that seeing how it goes. he liked and disliked this idea. basically he didn't know. so then there was uncontrollable sobbing. and lots and lots of holding. it was so hard for me. and i think for him too. he did better than me though. maybe that cold medicine he took helped out. acted like a good sedative to numb it all. maybe i should take some. get loopy off nyquil. haha so after about 20 min of me trying to leave we finally said goodbye. one last hug. one last kiss. and i was out the door. i talked to rick and he consoled me. i love him so much. he is always there for me and gives great hugs. thank u rick.

i wonder if andrew listened to my cd yet. and what he thinks of it. i'm listening to it right now and it hurts but it's tough love. bleh. so today truly begins life without andrew. cuz for the next few weeks i can't contact him at all. then after that we'll reconvene. i hope for a miracle but we all know miracles are 1 in a million. so i'm not hoping too much. anyway...moving on.

james said something in an email that really cracked me up. when i said that i want to take a shot or two with him tomorrow nite to drown my sorrows he said: i am assuming that you typed "take a shot or two" when you really meant "drink an entire bottle of vodka in one gulp." oh james! i love u.

day 4 (cont'd):
so i'm starting to get all scared and antsy and sad about seeing andrew tonight. knowing i won't be seeing him for awhile. omg it's starting to break me i think. =(

day 4:
so i've noticed a trend. i wake up every morning around 7am and then go back to sleep because it's too early for me to get up. i realized this is probably because andrew wakes up at that time and i'm used to hearing his alarm and waking up. then going back to sleep til he kisses me goodbye when he leaves. *sigh* i'm seeing him tonight. sort of the last goodbye for awhile. it's going to be hard i know it. back to the scab analogy. here's where the scab is just barely starting to form and then i go and pick at it. that's exactly what this is going to be. at least the sun is shining!

day 3 (cont'd):
i just took a massive massive trip down memory lane. only not andrew memories. really old memories. dominic and tyson. dan. joe. really old old memories. i think it all started when i was talking to my coworker on the way home. we got on all these tangents and i mentioned jay. remember jay? the guy who i had that super rad day long date with. then ended up giving his sweater to goodwill. yea that guy. man i dunno what went wrong there but at first it seemed like he was so rad. he intertwined with joe and that asshole ben. and even andrew maybe. i can't recall the exact timeline but i think i still had the sweater when i first started seeing andrew. cuz i had yet to give it to goodwill.

anyway, that got me started on this whole nostalgia thing. cuz i started to think about andrew too much. so i wanted to think about something else. think about anything from crappy pain from other boys to the fun and excitement of a first kiss with someone. so i started reading a bunch of emails and journal entries. i dunno if it did any good but it took my mind off andrew. and now i feel like i'm 21 again or something. god it's weird to read shit from years ago. u can really see how naive u are. like duh jen, that was so obvious. or shit i can't believe i said that. so funny. anyhoo, once i really get back into the swing of being single i'm gonna have to get back into the swing of dating and more importantly dates. how to get dates. first dates. etc etc. goddamn the game! with andrew i never had the game. we met and the next day we went out. it was so easy it was unbelievable. i think it was the easiest beginning dating experience ever. why did it have to end? WHY!?!?!

day 3 (cont'd):
bleh. i almost broke my rule of no crying today. i had sent andrew an email today and said how it's really hard for me right now. but i'm trying etc. can i come tonight to get my clothes rather than thursday. and he wrote back saying how it's really hard for him too. he's not taking it well. etc. and then he said: "i think about you and i a lot. for some reason mr. bear running is stuck in my head..." and holy crap i almost broke down in tears at that moment. seriously, my eyes started to get all teary and blurry. but i contained myself.

mr. bear for those of you who don't know, is a bear that i bought sort of for the both of us. i can't remember what exactly i thought the role of this bear would be, but i remember buying it really early on in our relationship and leaving him at andrew's house all the time. so he was like "our bear" so to speak. and he'd sorta just lay there on the side of bed and whatnot. and i'd play with him from time to time. just the other day, before andrew and i broke up, i was sad and playing with mr. bear. making him "run" in slow motion. and andrew laughed at it. i guess it stuck with him. i had forgotten that moment. and right now i'm pretty much trying to forget every moment to tell you the truth. but when i read that i got super sad about it all because that was one of the last moments we shared together alone before the crying sad break up moment. *sigh* mr. bear. i don't even know what to do with him. i'm asking andrew to keep him for now because i know seeing him will be really sad for me. when andrew went away for xmas/new years/vegas for 3+ wks i took mr. bear home with me. and i took mr. bear to NYC too with andrew. so i mean this bear means a lot to our relationship. or rather, symbolizes and captures a lot of it. hmm that sounds weird too. i don't know how to describe what i mean. but when i see mr. bear i think of andrew instantly. so whatever that means or is, that's the situation.

i'm back to feeling pretty good right now. got a lot of work to catch up on that i pushed away these past few days. bleh. don't wanna do anything right now. just wanna sit around. watch a movie or something. the house is all lonely. i gotta get used to that again. being here alone. i used to go to andrew's so much i never noticed how empty it can get. and it feels even MORE empty because it's so big. poop.

on a completely UNRELATED note. i forgot to mention this earlier. but madonna is fucking playing coachella. HOLY FUCKING SHIT. i am so excited for this because of her new album. it's unreal. i'm gonna close out both nights dancing my ass off in the tent it looks like. daft punk first night and madonna second night. FUCKING SHIT.

day 3 (cont'd):
right now feeling better. just saw this weird ass japanese packaging with cats in jail, breaking out of jail, etc. and one guy in the office said "it's like an orgasm of cuteness." that was fucking priceless. i'm listening to upbeat tunes after my boss commented on my morose music. i think it's doing a good job. and joe is cracking me up online right now with the little emoticons. ah good times.

day 3:
hmm yea i was definitely wrong. i woke up this morning feeling pretty crappy. this shit definitely comes in waves. uncontrollable waves. the pangs of pain just sorta hit whenever they see fit. so sad. i'm trying though. i really am. it's just such an adjustment for me. but two possibly positive things...

1) me and my coworker are getting hour long massages next week after work. that will RULE!

2) i got a fortune cookie yesterday that said: the next full moon will bring an enchanting evening. oh i hope that is true. its around the 15th of the month. we shall see.